197 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
197 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
The Fixer Presents
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Pranks, Revenge, and General Mayhem
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______ ________ __________ _____ _____
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________________\ \ / \ \__/ / | | |________________
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(_________________\ \/ \ \/ / | | |________________)
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(_______________\ /\ /| | | |_____________)
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(_____________\ /__\ /_| | | |__________)
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(__________/ \___\ /__| | | |_______)
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(______/ \___\ /___| | | |____)
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(__/ /\ \___\ /____| | | |__)
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/_____/ \_____\ \/ |_____|_____|_____|
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(C) 1993 The Fixer
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With thanx to JB and Turb0
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I had a neighbour whose mufflerless VW jalopy used to cruise in at 3 in
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the morning, waking the dead and the living with its asthmatic droning.
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Worse still, this guy sometimes liked to LEAVE at that hour, taking 5 to
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10 minutes to rev and warm up his old shitbox at 90 dBm without a
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concern for those of us who lost sleep. When I confronted this person
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with this he basically told me to fuck off and that it was none of my
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business.
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Seeing red, that night I followed him to his regular pisstank (a local
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bar) and waited for him to go inside. Tools in hand, I removed the
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bulbs from all his taillights and turn signals and put the light covers
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back on.
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To make a long story short, the guy pissed it up for a few hours in the
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bar, and on his way home he was pulled over by the cops for no
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taillights. The officer, smelling the booze on his breath, called in a
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breath tester and gave him a 24 hour roadside suspension for driving
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drunk. He's a repeat DWI, so his court date comes up next month...
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Have you seen those nasty things they have in some parking lots where
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you can only drive over them one way? Drive the wrong way on one and
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you'll pop all four tires. These are usually marked with "No Entrance -
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Severe Tire Damage" which is an understatement as the tires are a
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writeoff.
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Wouldn't it be great to put one of these where someone least expects to
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find one? Like in someone's driveway, or their parking spot at work?
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Well, good luck finding a real one just like your local shopping mall,
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but you CAN manufacture a field expedient version quite cheaply. Just
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pound a bunch of four inch nails, at a 45 degree angle, into a 1"x3"
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board about 8 feet long, at one inch intervals. Spray paint the whole
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assembly the same shitty dark gray colour as the pavement. Use a few
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more four inch nails to hold the thing to the pavement (you may be
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surprised how soft asphalt really is...). If your victim is sharp he'll
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see it before it's too late, but this file assumes that part of your
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prejudice against your victim is to do with his stupidity...
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By the way, it's said that the RCMP no longer need to engage in high
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speed pursuits. They just lay out a portable version of the above ahead
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of the fugitive's path, close the road ahead, and wait for him to barrel
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over it at 90 MPH. I have heard that some spectacular crashes have been
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caused with this tool, and no RCMP casualties... Wouldn't it be a shame
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if one was left on an open highway at night (while your victim is on his
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way to God knows where on the same route...)
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Well, as a lot of you know, I run a popular BBS with girlie files in it.
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In fact, my BBS has been a focus of attention for irate parents and
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curious cops, so I keep a tight rein on who gets access to these rather
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interesting little stories of sex and bondage. This means no-one under
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18, a very liberal cutoff, gets access to 'em.
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Well, this incensed a few of my younger, less mature users who seemed to
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think I owed them the earth, moon, and most of the inner planets along
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with access to these girlie files. To make a long story short, the
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little turds egged my house and wrote a few rag files.
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Rag files about the Fixer. I can see you all running for the blast
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shelters.
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I found myself reminded of the age-old saying, "live by the sword and
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you will die by the sword." There would be no nasty letters to parents,
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no indirect wardialing, no credit card frames, no stinkbombs in the
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unsuspecting urchins' lockers. They lived by the sword, and as Ghod is
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my witness they died by the sword when I took one of my raunchier
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homosexual bondage stories and replaced the names of the main characters
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with the names of these little r0desters. In fact several editions were
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made, one for each kid, each with the kid's name being used for the
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submissive ram-ee. Nice little stories about anuses and baseball bats,
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you understand, where the kids were catching, not pitching.
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Each of these files was sent, by fax, using a fax card programmed with a
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bogus header, to each kid's parents at work. The headers indicated the
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source of the fax as being the father of the most obnoxious of my marks.
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One was faxed to the kid's school, and the dominant character was the
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kid's principal. THAT story's probably true...
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Two of them no longer have access to their computers and likely won't
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again until they reach adulthood and move out. The rest are strangely
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quiet lately...
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"Bunny Lust" would be a good alternative, as most non-modeming people
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have never seen it and it is widely available.
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I've got a neat text file called "Fax Phun" which describes a technique
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called the "Moebius Fax." It's basically several sheets of black paper
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taped together in a big loop and fed into the fax machine (taped
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together once in the machine) to form an endless loop. I've done this
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before and the first thing I want to say is that it DOES piss people
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off. However, it's not perfect because the loop will almost certainly
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go out of alignment or will jam or some mickeymouse shit like that. The
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call would then be aborted before you got the REAL effect you wanted -
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the ruination of an entire roll of fax paper!
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However, the advent of cheap Fax Cards has brought about a new kind of
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Moebius Fax. It's not really "endless" but you CAN make it VERY LONG.
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Just concatenate a bunch of copies of "Bunny Lust" or whatever together
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to make a HUGE text file. We're talking megabytes here. Gigantic.
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Enough to empty a fax roll. Set up your Bitfax software to send this
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textfile by fax to your victim. Make sure you have lots of disk space
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as the intermediary file Bitfax will create will be many times larger
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than your already-huge textfile. Reprogram the software to send a bogus
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header - maybe with another victim's name and phone number. And then
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fax away. Do this a couple of nights in a row and then stop because by
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then the Telco will have placed a print monitor on the line.
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By the way, using the same kinds of text files as in the above fax
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pranks will amplify the annoyance factor of this trick...
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A good friend of mine works in a copy shop and, knowing of my rather
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sadistic leanings, felt compelled to tell me just how hard copy toner
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stains are to remove from clothes. Especially the purplish
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multi-coloured used toner dreck from full colour copiers...
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So, thought I, what a great way to recycle copy toner. Stuff a bunch
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into a rubber balloon (until it's stretched), shove an M-100 in after it
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and a suitable fuse. Discretely place near your intended victim, light,
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get away. Your victim will think World War III has started with the
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explosion and the hail of toner, and will find his clothes hopelessly
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soiled...
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Alternatively, if you have less tact, just walk up to your victim and
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dump the contents of the used toner bin onto him. He'll either try to
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stomp your guts out or just stand there stunned, piss his pants, and ask
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you what constructive purpose THAT served...
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Video rental place screwed you over? Have no fear, revenge is here.
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The movie was full of bad spots and should have been thrown out ages
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ago. You can accelerate its trip to the landfill, and through the use
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of creative anarchy you can take a few VCR's with it!
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It's really simple. Video tape does not like to stick to itself. When
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it does, it can wrap around the very fast-moving rotary video head,
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causing a world of problems.
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But when you cause the tape to stick to itself by injecting lubricating
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oil into the cassette's case, you will not only double the repair cost
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of the VCR, you will also foul any tapes that should be played in that
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VCR if the tape happens to survive, reducing their lifespans by about
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100% as well!
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One other thing that a friend used to do when he thought a rental movie
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was a ripoff, is he used to set up a titling program on his C-64 and
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record nasty messages like: "Raghead Video Sucks and So Does This Movie"
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in big letters on the blank tape at the end.
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Ah, Paintball, what a relaxing way to while away your weekends. NOT!
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Obvious things to do with a paintball gun are snipe at Jehovahs,
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splatter an enemy's house, car, and dog, and ruin feminist posters at
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your local university. But, eventually, you will tire of colouring your
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world with your trusty little CO2 pistol, and will want to put it to
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better use.
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A suggestion by one of my users is to use a syringe to suck the contents
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from a paint ball, and another to refill the ball with whatever you
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want. Mace, stinkum, cyanide. Even mind-altering drugs, or just piss.
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Close off the tiny hole with a little epoxy or silicone (I suggest
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surrounding the needle before withdrawing it) and you have one hell of a
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nasty "paint" ball. Naturally, you aim for the face. And if you get
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caught, well, the cop who writes up his report on you will have a story
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to tell his grandchildren...
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An update to my Krazy Glue trick which involved coin-operated machines:
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I suggested Krazy Glue along with some paper to provide volume. However
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it will be easier, quicker, and just about as effective if you buy a
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tube of Silicone, put on the fine tip and just squeeze that shit into a
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coin slot. Works best close to closing time so the shit can set before
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someone tries to put a quarter in.
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Well, that's Pranks XVIII. I'll leave you with a pleasant thought...
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"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will
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be a weapon, a minister of death praying for war. But until that day
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you are pukes. You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You're not
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even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized flabbastic
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pieces of amphibian shit! Do you maggots understand that?"
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- USMC Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Senior Drill Instructor, Parris Island.
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Call: THC (604) 361-4549 1200-9600v32
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