textfiles/anarchy/FDR/fdr-0281.txt

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           Ultimate Revenge Techniques from the Master Trickster
                               GEORGE HAYDUKE

                     Transcribed by ZoneTripper - 1996




                               -- CONTENTS --

     Nelson Chunder Writes a Few Words About George Hayduke
     Introduction
     How To Use This Book
     Added Words of Wisdom From the Author
     Caution
     Airlines
     Animals
     Answering Machines
     Anti-Abortionists
     Armed Forces
     Associations
     Attitude
     Auto Dealers
     Autos
     Bad Checks
     BB Machine Guns
     Beds
     Body Parts
     Bombs
     Books
     Bucket Above the Door
     Bumper Stickers
     Campers
     Candy
     Charlatans
     Chemicals
     CIA
     Communism
     Computers
     Condoms
     Convenice Stores
     Cookouts
     Corrections
     Customs Service
     Dead Animals
     Death Pool
     Diplomas
     Dog Waste
     Dogs
     Dolls
     Dopers
     Driveways
     Electric Power
     Electrical Appliances
     Explosives
     Feces
     Financial Fun
     Food
     Footwear
     Four Wheelers
     Freaky Stuff
     Furniture
     Gasoline Stations
     Graffiti
     Grave Sites
     Gross Out
     Gun Dealers
     Guns
     Hair
     Halloween
     Health Notice
     High School
     Homes
     Hood Ornaments
     Hospitals
     Insects
     Joggers
     Jukeboxes
     Junk Mail
     Ku Klux Klan
     Landlords
     Laundromats
     Lights
     Local Officials
     Lunch-Bag Thieves
     M.A.D.D
     Mail
     Microwaves
     Molestation
     Motion Pictures
     Musical Cards
     Musicians
     Newspapers
     No Parking Zones
     One Liners
     Paint
     Parking
     Parking Meters
     Parties
     Patriotism
     Pet Owners
     Philadelphia Parking Tickets
     Pie in the Face
     Pilots
     Politicians
     Porno
     Posters
     Pricks
     Public Smokers
     Quiz
     Quotes
     Radar
     Radical Groups
     Radio-Controlled Aircraft
     Radio Stations
     Recipes
     Restaurants
     Salad Bars
     Salespeople
     Signs
     Solder
     Sources
     Sports
     Stereos
     Stink Bombs
     Studs
     Success Stories
     Suitcases
     Summer Camps
     Supermarkets
     Sweeties
     Tar
     Tattoos
     Taxidermy
     Teachers
     Telephone Solicitors
     Telephones
     The Ten Commandments of Revenge
     Theaters
     Tires
     Toilet Tissue
     Toilets
     Travel
     TV Sets
     Typewriters
     Underarms
     Unwashed
     Utilities
     Veneral Disease
     Video
     Wine
     Women Beaters
     Zippers
     Zowie, The Last Word



        -- NELSON CHUNDER WRITES A FEW WORDS ABOUT GEORGE HAYDUKE --

     My pal has been called the meanest man in the world and a true hyena
in swine's clothing. Modest that he is, I know he cherishes both compliments.
George always has been an affront to the pompous twits who rise to positions
of power in our world. For instance, when George was born, the first peek of
his personality shown to the world was his posterior.
     I've known him since we were kids and I have fond memories of his
mother's friends cowering in front of George's BB gun. I knew he'd be a
contemporary author when his first literary masterpiece at the Norris
Kindergarden was a four-letter word.
     A few years later, George was returned from summer camp with a
"Delivery Refused" tag on him. After he got out of school, the Army grabbed
him and he quickly adopted two philosophies that have carried him far in his
life. First, "in confusion there is profit." And second, he totally accepted
General George S. Patton's belief that you don't win wars by dying for your
country; you win wars by making the other poor bastard die for his country.
     To complete the usual occupational trivia, let me report that George
Hayduke has earned his keep as a laborer, minister, aircraft pilot,
photographer, store detective, newspaper reporter, gun dealer, demolition
man, public relations consultant, and now, as a full-time tosspot and
Official Curmudgeon of the Ambrose Bierce Institute.
     One of the finest testimonials Hayduke ever received come from the
Bishop of Estonia and Idaho, the Right Holy Curtis Bevaqua, who said of
George in a church pronouncement, porcus ex grege diaboli "a swine from the
devil's herd". Tears of joyful acceptance from deep within George Washington
Hayduke, Jr., flowed after that ringing endorsement.
     I'm proud to be the friend of the meanest man in the world.



                             -- INTRODUCTION --

     "Can you see the Invisible Man's feces?"
     I posed the question to my fellow philosophers as we sat around our
table at the Gamboa Country Club in the bucolic village of Gamboa, Panama.
It was January 1985 and my companions were Primo, El Presidente and Senor
Tomas. Thinking that perversity makes for strange bedfellows, I repeated the
question.
     "It doesn't matter, my son," El Presidente said, as he sat deciding
between a vigorous display of flatus and erucatition, or perhaps, a symphony
of both. "You can not capture the wind."
     We savants of philosophy don't have much time left for our discussions
or morality in a world gone mad. The Soviets and Reaganistas are running
throat to throat to see who can out-lie and out-bully the other to become
master bully of the rest of the world. I was worrying a lot about my friends,
the little folks. These are the powerless people who are the victims of
bullies.
     I liked the way Sid Bernstein, who's been writing a column in
Advertising Age for years, puts it,"It's not so much what you do that counts,
but what you are willing to let the other fellow get away with."
     Aphoristically speaking, Sid is right. About 95 percent of the people
are decent. They are ordinary citizens, straights and otherwise, who do not
deliberately lie, steal, cheat or bully. They pay their taxes, try to hold
jobs, are kind to other people and are good at their families. It's the 5
percent, though, who bully the 95 percent. I worry, too, because the moral
indignation of the 95 percent seems to have atrophied in the past three or
four years.
     They get picked on, cheated, bullied and abused. And, as I've said,
they just take it. Where is the fighting-back sprit? Where is the moral
indignation that cries out, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it
anymore!" When do the 95 percent start to dish back the crap to the 5
percent?
     Remember, you get walked on all over only when you throw yourself down
in front of people!
     For the few who have written to ask and for the most who haven't, I
have been in Latin America much of the past two years involved in a variety
of activities. During that time, Mac Chunder, a very close pal, has handled
the book-writing chores and I want to thank him for a job well done. But for
some months now, Mac has wanted to visit his ancestral home in the
Australian outback. That, and the alarming plague of individual, corporate
institutional and governmental bullies at home, has hastened my return
across our southern border.
     I missed my country, my friends, my family and the little guys. It's
time for an organized return to some entertainment by Haydukery.
     The great author Chester Himes has a story that explains a great deal
of the Hayduking philosophy without a lot of empty words. A friend of Mr.
Himes, a man named Phil Lomax, told him about a pistol-toting blind guy who
shot at a man who slapped him, but, accidentally killed an innocent
bystander peacefully reading his newspaper.

     I though, damn right, sounds just like today's news, riots in the
     ghettos, war, masochistic doings in the Middle East. And then I
     thought of some of our loud-mouthed leaders urging our vulnerable
     soul brothers on to getting themselves killed, and thought further
     that all unorganized violence is like a blind man with a pistol.

     Don't take that literally. In a sense it's a metaphor. I don't recall
ever advocating that anyone be shot. Hell, every silver lining has its cloud,
you know. I even reject the premise raised by some critics that my tactics
are blunt and destructive. as the scholar and social scientist, Abraham
Maslow points out, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you will treat
everything like a nail."
     To end this rhetorical meandering, I call on two people who probably
would not share a page in the same book... unless it is my book. Though I
despise much of his ideology and actions, I admire these words of Robert B.
DePugh:

     Our nation has reached a point of no return - a point beyond which
     the American people can no longer defend their freedom by the
     traditional means of politics and public opinion.

     Finally, there is a man I wish were here to be our president today. I
refer to Thomas Jefferson, who said in his first inaugural address in 1801:

     Having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
     mankind has so long bled and suffered, we have yet gained little if
     we countenace a political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and
     capable of as bitter and bloody persecutions... If there be any among
     us who would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican
     form, let them stand undisturbed as monuments of the safety with which
     error of opinion may be tolerated, where reason is left free to combat
     it.

     I thought about that beautiful sentiment from Mr. Jefferson as I read
a final letter from a good friend in El Salvador who was born there and now
must stay there forever. He wrote, "I do as you say, George.... do unto
others, then split like hell."
     Adios, amigo. Sometimes you get the eagle and sometimes the eagle gets
you. Maybe this book can even some odds next time. When Talleyrand wrote,
"There are two things to which we never grow accustomed - the ravages of
time and the injustices of our fellow men," he was probably sure that we
could attack only one of those dual assults. That singularity is what this
book is about.
                                                   - George W. Hayduke Jr.
                                                     San Marcos, El Salvador
                                                     January 1986



                         -- HOW TO USE THIS BOOK --
                     (by W. Wellsley Spofford, Ph. D.)

     Mr. Hayduke asked me to write a foreword to his book, but I felt that
too much pedagogical rhetoric would only cloud its definitive purpose, which
is far beyond replication of his earlier philosophies. Instead, I opted to
produce this methodological supplement for the reader's pragmatic
edification.
     As before, Mr. Hayduke has arranged his chapters both by subject and
method, then arranged these alphabetically. In addition to searching chapter
headings, he suggest you search other specific areas as many of the items
lend themselves to more than one treatment. Indeed, in his classic review of
Mr. Hayduke's original two books, Dr. Millard Plankton, the renowed
professor of arcaneology at Louisiana School of Divinity, notes that some
serious scholars of "Hayduking" have compiled extensive cross-indicies of
the various combinations of our author's classifications of
marks/stunts/materials/ methods, et cetera. Mr. Hayduke himself suggests
that each reader perform an informal search of working cross-index of his or
her own while using this book.
     In the author's own words, "If you have a problem with some person or
institution or whatever, look to the chapter heading of this book for an
appropriate response in solving your problems through the use of creative
revenge. Look at some other headings, too, and you'll  get more ideas to
escalate your deserving revenge."
     I can easily concur with that. Here, then, is Mr. Hayduke's newest
book. Please, gentle reader, enjoy yourself.



                -- ADDED WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE AUTHOR --

     As my former mentor, Dr. Spofford, says, you can generate, then mix'n'
match stunts in this book, just as in the earlier books by Mac Chunder and
me. But nasty and personalized touches that are designed especially for your
own mark make each hit more effective. Modification and customizing are
grand ideas and I urge you to use them to match the crime and punishment.
Remember that psychological warfare is almost always more devastating than
the real thing. There's an old Creole belief that sums it up well, "Wesp
geye kofias na dlo, e se dlo ki kuit li," which means something like this,
"A fish trusts the water, and yet it is in the water that it is cooked."

                               GENERAL ADVICE

     Throughout this book I will make universal reference to the "mark,"
which is a street label hung on the victim of a scam or con. In our case,
the mark is anyone who has done something unpleasant, foul, unforgivable or
fatal to you, your family, your property or your friends. Never think of a
mark as the victim of dirty tricks. Think of the mark as a very deserving
target of revenge.
     Before you study any of the specific sections of this book, read these
next few vital paragraphs. They tell you how to prepare before going to
action.

1. PREPARE A PLAN

Plan all details before you take any action at all. Don't even ad-lib
something from this book without a plan of exactly what you're going to do
and how. If your campaign involves a series of actions, make a chronological
chart, then coordinate your efforts. Make a list of possible problems. Plan
what you'll do if you get caught - depending upon who catches you. You must
have every option, contingency, action, reaction and evaluation planned in
advance.

2. GATHER INTELLIGENCE.

Do what a real intelligence operative would do and compile a file on your
mark. How detailed and thorough you are depends upon your plans for the
mark. For a simple get-even number, you obviously need less intelligence
than if you're planning an involved, time-release campaign. Before you start
spying, make a written list of all the important things you need to know
about the target - be it a person, company or institution.

3. BUY AWAY FROM HOME.

Any supplies, materials or services you need must be purchased away from
where you live. Buy way in advance and pay in cash. Try to be as
inconspicusous and colorless as possible. Don't talk unnecessary with
people. The best rule here is the spy's favorite - a good agent will get
lost in a crowd of one. The idea is for people not to remember you.

4. NEVER TIP YOUR HAND.

Don't get cocky, cute'n'clever and start dropping hints about who's doing
what to whom. I know that may sound stupid, but some would-be tricksters are
gabby. Of course, in some of the cases this will not apply, e.g., unselling
car customers at the dealership, or other tricks in which the scenario
demands your personal involvement.

5. NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING.

If accused, act shocked, hurt, outraged or amused, whichever seems most
appropriate. Deny everything, unless, again, your plan involves overt
personal involvement. If you're working covert, stay that way. The only cool
guy out of Watergate was Gordon Liddy; he kept his mouth shut.

6. NEVER APOLOGIZE; IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

Normally, harassment of a citizen is a low-priority case with the police.
The priority increases along with the person's socio-financial position in
the community and with his or her political connection. If you are at war
with a corporation, utility or institution, that's a different ball game.
They often have private security people, sometimes retired federal or state
investigators. By habit, these people may not play according to the law. If
you play dirty tricks upon a governmental body be prepared to have a case
opened. But how hard it is followed depends upon a lot of factors.
Understanding all this ahead of time is part of your intelligence planning
before you get started in action.



                               -- CAUTION --

     The schemes, tricks, scams, stunts, cons, and scenarios presented here
are solely for information and amusement purposes only. It is not my intent
that you use this book as a manual or trickster's cookbook. I certainly
don't expect that anyone who reads this book would actually ever do any of
the things described here.
     This book is written to entertain and inform readers, not to instruct
or persuade them to commit any illegal act. From my own mild disposition, I
could hardly tell someone else to make any of these tactics operational.
     Consider the case of mistaken vengeance that took place in Vienna,
Austria, in 1985, when Leopold Renner though his wife was cheating on him
because he saw her holding hands with another man. The shocked husband
stuffed twenty-seven of her live, exotic pets - one after another - into the
churning garbage disposal. Down went screaming parakeets, hamsters, mice and
tarsiers into a gushy gruel feeding into the sewage drains.
     Fact: His wife Frieda was holding the hand of her brother, whom she
had not seen in a dozen years, and was bringing him home to meet her
husband. True story.
     Please read this book with the reference in mind. Remember, it's all
in good clean fun, isn't it? That was a rhetorical questions.



                               -- AIRLINES --

     Here's a wonderful variation on one of the old airline message jokes.
It came about because Geneth of Huston was tired of flight delays and
hassles, all excused by lies about airport security. An idea formed in
Geneth's mind.
     The primary mark was the least favorite airline. A secondary mark was a
passenger chosen in the terminal because of some form of rude on-site or
other crude behavior. The medium was a handwritten note done by one friend,
while the delivery system was another friend of Geneth's who left the
airport immediately after handling the note in a sealed envelope to a
boarding attendant at the gate, along with this verbal request:
     "See that man/woman ahead, just getting on? That's my uncle/aunt
(husband/wife, son/daughter,etc.) and I have a nice birthday surprise (smile
a whole lot) for him/her. Would you please give him/her this note when you
get airborne? It's OK if everyone wants to sing along. Gee, (laugh), is old
(name) going to be surprised."
     The note that will be opened in-flight by an unsuspecting mark contains
one of these three messages:
     1. Please be discreet. If you have any flying experience come to the
front to the airplane; the pilot's dead.
     2. This airplane has been hijacked and the terrorist have chosen you to
be dumped out of the cargo hatch as a symbol. Come to the cockpit or we'll
blow up the airplane.
     3. A four-year old girl/boy has identified you as the person who
molested him/her in the bathroom of the airport just before departure. We
are holding you for arrest until landing in __________.
     This will create some fun, and some confusion. It will work best if
neither of the marks, primary or secondary, has a sense of humor.
     If you are a frequent flier, you will note how the human cattle called
passengers line up at the restrooms shortly after the in-flight meal has
assaulted their systems. You might beat the line next time you're aloft and
put a generous coating of Elmer's glue on both the top and bottom of the
toilet seat while the meal is being served.


                               -- ANIMALS --

     For a lot of real and symbolic reasons, animals have always been
great tools of revenge, going back to our fears of our evolutionary
ancestors, I suppose. Using animals in your stunts will definitely put you
ahead of the others in the revenge business.
     In some areas you can buy dog and cat inmates from the pound for as
little as a buck or two apiece. Buy a bunch of these condemned prisoners and
hold them as your guest until.....
     You've been fire or insulted by the idiot boss of a bar or restaurant,
or you got a lousy meal there. Maybe you hate the owner for what he or she
did to your family. There could be a dozen reasons for what you're about to
do.
     Take you menagereie of four-footed friends to every available door of
the marked location and get them all as far inside as possible. You may wish
to disguise yourself and your drivers. After your herd is safely delivered,
you should depart. Bedlam is a modest word to describe what will happen
next, especially if your furry dinner guests are really, truly hungry.
Condition them that way before delivery, of course.
     Own a live trap, one of those Havahart numbers? Great. Catch a wild
raccoon, opossum, groundhog or feral cat in it. Turn this animal loose in
your mark's car or apartment. Think about the state that environment after
half an hour attempted escape, followed by frantic trashing.


                          -- ANSWERING MACHINES --

     Maybe it's because he's from Oakland and had to put up with Al Davis
all those years, but Chester the Spoon has some advice for folks who don't
like answering machines. He suggest you make many, many repeated calls over
a thirty or forty-minute period and leave either no message or rude,
untraceable ones. The idea is to overload the machine and, perhaps, make
the mark miss an important call.
     A more direct method, which comes from Alik Allotjka, requires access
to your mark's answering machine, which, of course, would be easy in a
business office. But don't forget social occasions when you might have a
free run of his or her home. It's a great way to pay back someone who's used
a telephone to abuse you in one form or another. Prerecord an answering-
machine message of your own design in your mark's name. Make it awful, crude
or whatever would do the most damage. Substitute this tape for the one
already in the machine. Do it during a time period when you know it will get
maximum play.


                          -- ANTI-ABORTIONISTS --

     The wife of one of my friends had a completely unrelated business
meeting in the same building that housed an abortion clinic. As she tried to
enter the lobby, she was attacked by a gaggle of right-to-life harridans.
This quiet, small lady, who was a computer consultant going to a job with a
financial office on another floor of the large building, was almost in
panic.
     "They screamed at me, called me a murderer, pushed me. Then one of them
spit right in my face. They were some local group from the neighborhood
Catholic Church. I was too scared to be shocked," she recalled, almost in
tears, nearly a month later.
     Furious, her husband went to the police and was told that nothing could
be done without independent witnesses. He was also told, off the record,
that the police chief and the priest at the church were bosom buddies and
the police were told to lean on the clinic and leave the pickets alone.
Frustrated, he came to me.
     The statue of limitations of the state involved make it impossible for
me to relate precisely what was done to 1) picketing group's leaders, 2)
that local Catholic Church, 3) its priest, and, 4) the local police chief.
Be assure, it was appropriate and heavy duty. Maybe a volume or two from now
I can tell you all about the repayment for their uncivilized behavior.
     In any case, if you happen to believe in a woman's freedom to make her
own choices about her own life and body and reject the ravings of the
harpies who think otherwise, simply pick and choose from almost any of the
stunts in this and other revenge books, adapt it to your needs, and go from
there. I would also very much like to hear from those of you out there who
have had similar run-ins.


                             -- ARMED FORCES --

     Is there any low life enlisted man who has not faced the anger, if not
the rotten breath, of a hung-over sergeant with gusto but no justice in his
soul? Allen Watkins told me about one of his friends who tired of being the
object of a scapegoat routine of a drunken lout of a leader. He opened the
hood of the NCO's car and while he had CQ duty one night and packed some
tear gas into the intake manifold of the vehicle's air-conditioning unit.
     Oh, did I mention that our hero was clearing post the next day? Some
weeks later a friends' letter explained the humorous news that the NCO spent
two days in the base hospital.
     Having been an Army grunt, I have never seen an aircraft carrier except
in films or at a great distance. My old pal, a Navy vet name Gino the Engine
King Chemist, tells me they are massive.
     I'm not sure how he knows as he was in submarines, except for the time
he had a gaggle of Italian whores chase him through town for not paying his
tab at the Eat'n'Hump. Anyway, Naker Phelge, another Navy man, says that
some carriers show films or have live Bob Hope-type shows in the enclosed
hanger decks.
     "Do you have any idea how much volume of water is carried in the fire
control/sprinkler system of these ships?"
     His question was more than rhetorical as I had no idea, not even
knowing the Navy had sprinkler system. He told me it was more a deluge
system than a sprinkler. He refused to be specific as he still has a rating
in our Imperial Emperor's U.S. Navy, but he says some guys with a grudge
against someone got high enough to build a strong and very hot heat source
under the fire-control sensors on the hangar roof. They used propane
torches. Within five minutes, the hangar was flooded. The evening's show was
a washout in the true sense of the word.
     As a vet, I always liked Senator Joe Clark's pungent observation that a
leader should not get too far in front of his troops or "he might get shot
in the ass." On the other hand, I wondered about that when I read the
graffiti that Edward Gein had written in the main restroom of the Bates
Motel: "The alternative to getting old is depressing."


                             -- ASSOCIATIONS --

     Deciding who is the worst among current totalitarian leaders is like
deciding from which bucket of buzzard puke to drink. For starters, here is
some help with an easier chose - making life bad for some true jerks. The
best part is that you can use people's natural inclination to "join" as your
ally.
     It happens. Some group like Gay Awareness, or Coal Companies to
Desecrate America, or Veterans to Invade the Pentagon does something
heinous to you. Compounding this latest affront is your mark - a neighbor,
boss, coworker or some other fool - whom you have placed on the
association's roaster without his or her knowledge. If you like the ideas
that follow, thank Bartholomew McHilicudy.
     "Advertise your mark's home or apartment as the meeting place for the
nasty group," advises Bart. "Use different media to advertise - public
service spots on local radio and TV, newspaper mentions, ads, notices in
stores. Hit all the local outlets. Tell people in bars and grocery stores."
     As an extra suggestion, you can also get hold of the floating mike at
the local department store or entire mall complex and sneak in an
announcement or two. Keep'em brief, like ten seconds, and then split as soon
as you're off the air.
     At the suggestion of Don Lecely, here are some dummy organizations you
can sponsor:
     - Herpes Without Partners
     - AIDS Where It Hurts
     - Gay Rights Sleep-in
     - Proud to Be Pederast Parents
     - Chlamydia Victims Cookout
     - Immoral Mothers of __________ County


                               -- ATTITUDE --

     While I was working as an agricultural consultant in Latin America
recently, I found a wonderful story that would make Norman Vincent Peale's
well-springs of humanity overflow. The lady in this story has the best
possible attitude for coping with being either Hayduker or Haydukee.
     This American tourist Yuppie lady awoke in her Cancun condo way
beyond her normal 7 a.m. Nautilus time and was feeling very fierce. She
groaned a few times, whined about drinking too much wine cooler, then
realized that there was something wrong with her hair.
     She stuck her fashionably thin hand up there, felt around and found a
couple dozen grains of rice scattered throughout her coiffeur. Trying to
recall the latter part of the evening, she thought and thought.
     Giving up with a pained look of resignation, she whines, "Well, either
I got married again last night or I was puked on by a Chinaman."


                             -- AUTO DEALERS --

     The Skull really does have a sense of fair humor when he deals with
these purveyors of generally putrid products. As before, he had another run-
in with a car dealer who screwed him on a badly misrepresented vehicle.
After the usual honest and open attempts to right this wrong, Skull thought
of other ways.
     He set up a lemon stand in a public area outside the dealership after
taking out the necessary "street-merchant" license to peddle the fruit. It
cost five dollars. He made a large sign that read: WHY PAY THOUSANDS FOR A
LEMON ACROSS THE STREET? In smaller type, it read: I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE
LEMON.
     And, Skull did.. passing out dozens of lemons to bemused would-be
customers of the dealer. Some tossed their lemons at the salesmen
standing outside the dealership trying to wish away Skull's legal form of
Haydukery.
     "After an hour and a half nobody had gone into the dealership"
reports Skull. "The service manager came over and tried to provoke a fight.
A friend of mine, who had been preprimated, called the police and the local
TV stations. We got a lot more coverage than I even planned."
     Skull says that the very same evening the dealership's manager got in
touch with him and agreed to make right the previous screwing-over our hero
had gotten on his car deal.


                                -- AUTOS --

     You remember Alex Foley, the Detroit cop, who suggested good ideas for
bad guys? Here's a sample of his fun for their rides: a banana in the tail
pipe has the same effect as the Hauduke potato but it's a lot less dangerous
for the person standing behind the car.
     I can't vouch for this, but if old Shadow says it works, it does. he
has been around. But, let's say your mark has a car you don't like either.
According to Shadow, you can take a Spaulding Ping Pong ball - he says it
has to be a Spaulding because of the chemical makeup - fill it with liquid
drain cleaner, using a hypodermic needle, then wrap black electrical tape
all around.
     "Drop that sucker in the vehicle's gas tank and it will stand that car
on its nose," says Shadow. "You can experiment with the amount of tape you
use according to how much time you need to get away.. the more tape there
is, the longer it takes for the gas to eat through."
     Next is a hotshot in the dark from Shadow. Use some crazy-type glue to
adhere a shotgun shell to a hot part of your mark's auto or bike engine. As
a humanitarian, Shadow suggest that (1) you don't work on an engine part
that is hot, and (2) it would be nice to remove the shot load from the shell
first, but leave the wadding in place.
     Shep from Denver has a dilly way to get even with a car tinkerer who's
done him some dirt. Shep says, "Just put a half dozen of those baby dills in
his gas-tank outlet. When that engine kicks over and runs, the fuel pump
will suck those little dills right up into the gas line."
     He adds that when he was once busted totally without reason in Kansas
City, he retailed by pulling his stunt on more than a few of the vehicles in
the police department's official automobile pool. Expensive mechanical chaos
was their repayment bill for his unjustified bust.
     It was good to hear from the Yakima Rt. 1 Auto Flush and his wife as
they share some fun for your mark's auto. First, they suggest removing a
couple spark plugs, dropping a few small ball bearings into the cylinders,
and the replacing the plugs. The results are expensive to repair, in the
neighborhood of $400 to $500 for labor alone.
     Their next idea will work wonderfully if the mark bought his or her car
from an out-of-town dealer. When the mark is at work and the car is parked
in a non-patrolled zone, call a tow service and explain there are problems
with "your" car. You must be "Mr. Mark/Owner" during this call, ofcourse.
     Have the car towed to the local dealership - hopefully on a Friday
afternoon - and tell them you're going away for the weekend and will get
back to them Monday or Tuesday. As most dealers are slow, this vehicle could
sit for a week before someone - the real owner and the police - start to get
seriously worried about it.
     Does your mark have a vehicle with an automatic transmission? Most do
these days, as many marks are real wimps - prime market for the
autoshifters. Our Yakima mechanic says the solution is simple: pour a quart
of battery acid in the transmission fluid. Soon, no transmission.
     Several mechanics from the Pinkeln Auto Repair School suggested that
you have a friendly mechanic reverse the sensor between the gas gauge and
the gas tank of your mark's car. This will be a lot of fun for you mark some
dark, stormy night miles from nowhere.
     Mark Hastings lives in a neighborhood full of stuffed shirts and
materialistic, bragging Yuppies. He finally had some fun with the vehicle of
one from this breed of jerks. The air pressure in the new metric radial
tires is fairly critical. Mark adjusted the air pressure in the mark's car
tire over a two-week period and had the snobbish Yuppie running the soles
off his Nikes in frustration.
     "I increased pressure in the right front to sixty pounds one night. Two
nights later, I decreased the one to twenty pounds and increased the left
front to sixty," Mark says.
     Mark was able to learn when this Yuppie was taking his car into the
dealership to check the front-end "handling" problems, and the night before
he normalized the pressure.
     "The dumb jerk spent about $200 on new parts and repair time, plus the
dealer's mechanics just kept putting new things on his car. It was great fun
hassling this fool," relates Mark.
     We need more folk like Jennifer Marshall. Her mind is magnificently
malevolent. But, alas, she's on her own out there doing rotten things to
evil people as just another avenging angel.
     Here is her latest. There are gasoline additives that rid a car's
engine of excess moisture. That is, unless you use three bottles on your
mark's car. That dosage will heat the average auto-engine temperature beyond
not only belief, but also beyond workable stress. Hello, big repair bills.
     And, from the fun world of doing radio talk shows, I learned from
Denver Don that you can sour an auto battery into inaction by filling it
with vinegar. Also, if you fill an auto's gas tank with aircraft fuel, it
will not be a happy experience for the vehicle, its owner, or the folks
standing nearby when the owner tries to start'er up.
     Can you believe that some guy by name of Dic Smegma, who claims the
title of international revenge master, thinks that the stunts Nelson Chunder
and I report to you are tame? Perhaps, though, Dick's right. For example, he
suggests pouring crystallized drain cleaner into the gas tank of your mark's
car.
     "Want a demonstration?" Dick asks rhetorically. "Try one grain of the
stuff in a teaspoon of gasoline before you move to anything operational."
     I did. It creates quite a reaction. This is an unsafe trick without
grand planning. Use a slow deliver system with insulation or learn to run
faster than an explosion you don't want to be caught in.
     Dick's stuff is fairly explicit, so you'll be reading a great deal more
about him as you peruse this book.
     Remember "Send a Boy to Camp" Let's buy a car for you mark, or, at
least in your mark's name. It may cost you $25 holding money or maybe a few
buck more. But, you can do it. Fill out all the forms and if you've played
the salesperson just right and he or she is hungry, you will get away with
it. Money speaks louder than ID. Obviously, you must know your mark's name
address and all that so you can fill in the binding legal forms. Pay cash
for your small down payment, the leave. Or, see if the salesperson will let
you drive the car to the bank to get loan money. You promise to drive right
back. Park the car somewhere irregular and leave town with a friend. This
probably works best with a used car and a hungry dealer. The legal hassle
for the mark remains the same.


                              -- BAD CHECKS --

     You've been had by a friend who likes to fly bad checks. Moral
persuasion doesn't turn red ink to black and a friendship refuses to balance
things. It's time to kick-start the tongues of the local gossip brigade. The
Baffling Radiologist suggests that you post all of your "friend's" bad debts
and credit risks on public location bulletin boards, especially at
neighborhood groceries, supermarkets and malls. You can also post the
culprint's name on the lists of bad-check writers that a lot of business
carry on their registers and checkout counters in full view to the public.


                              -- BODY PARTS --

     I'm not sure if Ray came up with this one or not. We were all fairly
drunk down in Cabo San Lucas when the idea came up. Anyway, if your mark has
a morbid fear of death and pieces of dead things, and most marks do or they
wouldn't qualify as marks, as you might beg, borrow or steal human body
parts from the nearest physiology or anatomy laboratory. Send these to your
mark You can customize or personalize this in any way you wish. Whbat the
hell, it's a step up the evolutionary ladder from roadkill.


                                 -- BOMB --

     It's not especially enlightening, but you could set off a road flare
or a smoke bomb in your mark's home. The flares are easier to deal with than
smoke bombs, now sold openly to aid folks lost in big forests, which cause
more hassle. Can you imagine your mark coping with 50,000 cubic feet of
white, blue or red smoke billowing around his or her domicle?
     Because of cost factors, the Provos in Ulster switched rom
conventional explosives to chemical bomb a few years ago. Components or
these beasties are easily available in rural and farming areas where
agricultural supply stores abound. In simple form, sugar added to sodium
chlorate or sodium nitrate, along with nitrobenzene or diesel fuel as a
catalyst, makes a generic chemical bomb. Of course, these substances
together are as highly unstable as those who use them in Ireland.
     Anyway, there are many books available telling you how to convert
handy backyard garden products into enough explosives to demolish your
mark's chicken coop, outhouse or stash. Personally - well, no, I promised I
wouldn't moralize in this volume.
     According to a fan who tells me he is a former state legislator from
New England, one o the finer bombs ready for funny use is a television
picture tube from one of the older, ten years or more, abandoned sets. They
blow up loudly.
     "If your mark has wronged you with his car, place one of these tubes
under his car frame where you know movement will crush it. When the mark
moves the car, the tube will explode with a hell of a blast and send glass
flying every which way. It might even cut some hoses on the car," our fan
exclaims with glee.
     My God, an honest, used politican with some sense, including one of
humor. No wonder he's an ex.


                                -- BOOKS --

     Our same reformed politican from New Hampshire wishes to share some
literary fun. If you have any marks who can read, provide them with free
bookmarks. Our contributor suggests very thin slices of cheese or cold cuts
(salami is great) between the pages. This will work well for the mark who
has shelves of unread books just for the ego-image they afford him.
     In addition to their use as weapons themselves, books contain lots of
ammunition to be fired at your marks. What follows is a collection of books
with themes, ideas and thoughts to help the neophyte Hayduker. These books
are especially good friends:

* Hoffman, E.J. Nitration of Toluene. Bradley, IL: Lindsay
  Publications, 1984.

  Want to make your own TNT? This reprint of a turn-of-the-century manual
  from the U.S. Bureau of Mines gives you a step-by-step cookbook to adding
  nitric acid to toluene.

* Horvitz, Simeon L. Legal Protection for Today's Consumer. Dubuque, IA:
  Kendall Hunt, 1981.

  A grand workbook, and inspiration tome for folks interested in effectively
  using consumer protection legislation and available myriad legal emedies.

* Kneitel, Tom. Top Secret Registry of U.S. Government Radio Frequencies.
  Commack, N.Y: CRB Research, 1985.

* Peterson, Bozo and Hendrick, J.G.The Roadkill Cookery Book. Phoenix:
  Hillard-Townsend Frist Mate Press, 1985.

* Tayacan (pseudo). Psychological Operations in Guerrilla Warfare.
  Washington: Central Intelligence Agency, 1984.

  Despite being the Company's famed assassination how-to boo-boo of the
  '80s, this nifty number has some other mind-fornicating tricks in it that
  can be adapted by a creative Hayduker. See your tax dollars at work for
  you.

* Thomas, Ralph D. Physical Surveillance Manual. Boulder: Paladin Press,
  1984.

  This is an excellent handbook by a very professional private investigator.
  He gives detailed instructions on gathering a lot of information on any
  subject, aka, your mark.

* Weingard, George. Pyrotechnics. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.

  Making your own fireworks for use against your enemies can be fun and
  probably safer than trying to smuggle them. This is a reprint of a rare
  1947 "how-to" book that tells and shows you how to make all sorts of fun
  things.

* Worthen, K.J. Preserving the Dead: The Art and Science of Embalming.
  Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.

  This is a reprint of a fairly grotesque and tacky book. The content aside,
  I can see some delightful uses for the art and science described herein.
  It might also make a thoughtful gift for someone you hate.


                        -- BUCKET ABOVE THE DOOR --

     Who else but Dick Smegma would have the intestinal fortitude to update
this hoary old cliche Dick suggest filling the old water bucket with
something more modern than water. His list includes liquid skunk smell,
hydrochoric acid, horse urine or urined-down excrement. Dick says placement
is crucial. I add that disguising the smell, unless you're dealing with a
drunk, allergy or head-cold victim, is also vital.


                           -- BUMPER STICKERS --

     My buddy, the Hombre for Justice, firit wrote me a sad letter telling
me how he was an unaggressive sort of guy who was always being picked upon
and bullied, and how he hated himself. He read a couple of my books, plus
suffered more nastiness by uncaring institutions and people who get back at
his tormentors. It is an inspirational story that brings lumps to my eyes
and tears to my throat.
     Hombre likes to use bumper stickers and gets his printed salvation from
the various companies (see "sources) that sell custom stickers. Here is a
partial inventory of the bumper stickers that Hombre uses on his mark's
cars, buildings, offices, homes, etc.

     - SCREW LAZY AMERICANS, DRIVE A FOREIGN CAR
     - GOD SUCKS
     - GOD SUCKS AND GIVES CHANGE
     - I [HEARTH SIGN] COMMUNISM
     - HAVE YOU HIT YOUR KID TODAY?
     - (TEAM NAME) FANS ARE PUSSIES
     - BIKERS ON HARLEYS ARE QUEER
     - I'M MARRIED TOO, LET'S SCREW
     - FOR FREE SEX CALL (INCLUDE MARK'S NUMBER)
     - HONK IF YOU WANT HEAD

     Dick Smegma is a professional nasty man. Check out the big league style
he has for the use of bumper stickers. First, Dick says they should never be
placed on a mark's bumper. "Always place them on the trunk lids and smooth
them down tight. Use the 'super-stick' kind that remove the paint when they
come off."
     Finally, thanks to Shadow for a couple more sticker ideas:

     - I'M PROUD TO HAVE HERPES
     - AID ME TO GET MORE AIDS
     - I [HEARTH SIGN] AIDS
     - HERPES/AIDS, PASS IT ON


                               -- CAMPERS --

     Does it boil your temper over into the red area on a hot summer's day
when some camper stays in the communal comfort station (aka public crapper)
for twenty or thirty minutes reading the newspaper? A fan by the name of
Wolfgang Creutzfeldt is only kidding around, of course, with his solution to
this irritating face flusher.
     "Get a tin can and fill it half full of Koolaid - the drink for kids.
Then, set it inside the outside door of the crapper. Take a red-hot coal
from a nearby camp fire and drop it into the Koolaid. Instant smoke! Lots of
it," claims Creutzfeldt. "You can experiment with other additives to mix
with the Koolaid. I've tried hot chili sauce with screaming success. It
makes a lot of truly obnoxious smoke."


                                -- CANDY --

     My fellow author, Barney Vincelette, edited this saggy dog tale into a
short, sweet stunt. Barney says to get some blood-inflated ticks and
chocolate-coat candy them. Let them ripen a week. Serve them to your mark.
They burst in the mark's mouth, not in your hand.
     Bothersome Burt is happy to be a rotten egg during the Easter holiday
season as he points out that candy eggs make a nice mark target. He says to
slice off the top of the candy egg, leaving it still encased in the foil.
Remove the sweet contents of the candy egg and replace with any sort of vile
concoction. Burt says not to use liquids, though, as they leak. The
imagination almost goes into overload, however, thinking of all the
disgusting solids and mushy things you can plant in there before you close
it back up and gently melt the chocolate seam together again. Then squeeze
the foil shut and serve.


                              -- CHARLATANS --

     Now, for some comedic relief, brought to you by Lil Eddie Meese.
Remember our "Nobody's hungry, cold in poverty, or hurting in the USA,"
attorney general? Remember him? Here's a fun little game you can play with
other fascist friends.

     1. Print Ronald Reagan's full name (all three of'em) on a paper.
     2. Count the number of letters in each name.
     3. Place the number above the respective name.
     4. Write all three numbers together, side by side.
     5. Mail the completed paper to Jerry Falwell.

     This one makes them froth at the mouth every time.


                              -- CHEMICALS --

     Here's something from my politican friend from New Hampshire. He says
that hydrogen sulfide (H2S) is the gas that gives rotten eggs their
wonderful odor. High school chemistry classes use this gas for research. You
can obtain small, openended glass vials of a compound that when heated
produces volumes of H2S. While these vials are supposed to be in chemistry
experiments, you could use them to experiment on your mark's automobile
manifold, wood stove, radiator or some other spot in which heat is
generated. Get the vials from a chemical supply shop.
     The ingredients in crystallized drain cleaner are very versatile
(See "Auto" section). You can also toss an open can of this product in the
mark's swimming pool - if it contains water. Dumping a canful into a washer
during the final rinse is spectacular, too.
     Remember our old friend ipecac from my first book? It can also be
self-administrated if you want to make a mark's restaurant, for example,
very nervous about your illness. Here's how it works. Eat a colorful portion
of your meal. Go into the restroom and swallow the contents of a very small
container (one ounce or less) of a vomit-inducer that contains ipecac. Cut
the plastic bottle up into pieces and flush them down the commode. Flush
twice more to be sure. Go back out and resume your meal. In about ten
minutes you will be wracked by projectile vomiting. Be creative and use all
your acting ability here to get maximum splatter and mass audience effect.
     According to a pamplet distributed by the International Brotherhood of
Barfing Engineers, a good way to do this is "to move erratically and quickly
among the other diners as you appear to be headed toward the bathroom. Your
real objective, of course, is to strafe as many people as possible with your
vomitus."
     This is a grand way to mess up someone's home or get back at a
restaurant or other mark that made you literally ill in one form or the
another. Advice: Try a dry run (no pun) first so you see how you can handle
this self-administered ipecac attack. Normally, the real thing is over in
about five minutes and you'll have no aftereffects. Now, let's move on from
puking to planting, or rather, unplanting.
     Even though your local K-Mart sells OK weed-killers and other
commercial herbicides, you can get even better and more efficient vegetation
wasters at farm supply stores. A fine gentleman known as the King of
Lexington offers the advice that many splendid plant-killer chemicals are
available there. Being an old farm boy, he'd know.
     "An example of an easily available and safe herbicide is Monsanto's
Round-Up which can be aerially applied to a mark's lawn or garden by water
balloon, or you can use a sprayer to write nasty words or whole messages if
you have the space," our monarch notes.
     Meanwhile, moving to the fabric section, it's nice to learn that
methyl violet will permanently stain clothing. A little of it in any laundry
soap will go a long way in ruining your mark's wardrobe. According to Tanya
of Long Beach, a box of Rit or Tintex dye will also. This is a grand idea
for apartment laundry rooms where your mark is regular.


                                 -- CIA --

     As old Papa Doc from Haiti used to say before being bumped and dumped
by the CIA, "Only the knife knows what's in the heart of the yam."
Obviously, our government does have a sense of humor. How else can you
explain the operations of the Central Intelligence Agency?
     A good friend of mine is a reporter for National News Service and he
brought me back from Honduras one of the very first "exported" copies of
that secret CIA assassination manual (see "Books"). Yup, this was long
before the Washington Press Corp discovered it and thus made it real.
     Anyway, if you think the CIA doesn't have a sense of humor, you should
see the early issue of "CIA Comix," their infamous illustrated manual for
mayhem and murder that was given to Contra terrorist down there to show them
how to do illegal things to the legally elected government of Nicaragua.
     Happily, my Spanish language literary level is at least on a par with
the Contras so I was able to read this comic book that you and I overpaid
some CIA consultant to plagiarize, write, illustrate, print and distribute.
It contains a lot of interesting stunts that you could adopt for your own
use. For starters, report late for work, then slough off the rest of the
day. Clog toilets in your office and other buildings. Leave water running.
Damage expencive office equipment. Make false airline and hotel
reservations. Call in false fire and police alarms. Cut telephone lines.
Spray-paint anti-government slogans. Waste public officials. On the last
one, the CIA insisted it did not mean to murder them. Bull. Most public
officials are a waste anyway so what's it matter, as one of my old CIA chums
once said.
     Order your copy now. Write the publisher, the CIA, and be the first kid
on your block to topple someone's infrastructure, or to start an
insurrection. If the CIA is out of copies, check with some of the commercial
publishers who did rip-off versions.


                              -- COMMUNISM --

     With the second coming of the Reaganistas, the old bogey word
"communism" has been dug up again to scare anyone who doesn't march along
with the other mindless cattle in Cowboy Ronny's herd of unthinking
Americans. That's why Chris Schaefer has a grand idea to take advantage of
this unnatural, national paranoia.
     Get a copy of official letterhead from the USSR, Cube or some of the
Sovjet's Middle East satellite countries. That's easy enough, just write to
their government with some inane question that needs only a routine reply.
Take their letterhead logo either to your printer or to a copy machine to
make new, blank letterhead. Now, type some sort of cryptic, code-appearing
message on it ... like "The red fish sails" or "Bach comes alive in thirty
days," or some silliness like that. Mail this letter to your mark who works
for a large defense contractor or one of the sensitive government agencies.
     Hope that the secretary will open the mail first - this is usually
the case. With luck she will show it to the mark's superior or to security
people.


                              -- COMPUTERS --

     Eons ago, it seems, I told you about the advent of X-rated computer
games. Now, Bothersome Burt refines this trend. He knew a guy in school who
used to cheat on computer assignments by using other people's programs. Burt
decided to share, too.
     "Make a copy of one of those 'dirty old men' X-rated game disks, making
sure it has really obscene graphics. Label it with the mark's name and the
identification of some popular program, then put it in the school's computer
room library. Red faces in the sunset," Burt says with a chortle.


                               -- CONDOMS --

     If you're a spouse of a mark who is always unfaithful, here's an
idea. Send him or her a condom filled with mayonnaise and include this note:
"You forgot this souvenir last night." Even if you're the other party
involved, you can do the same thing.


                          -- CONVENIENCE STORES --

     There has been a disturbing trend across the U.S. where local
right-think Bible thumpers are blackmailing convenience store management
into banning harmless magazines from their shelves. For instance, in the
East, the Sheetz chain of quickie stops banned such horrible publications as
Playboy because a group of religious loonies threatened to boycott them. In
other parts of the country, 7/11 stores fell to the same pressure from these
mindless slimeballs.
     Enough idiotorializing (editorials about idiots), let's do
something. For that, I call on our dynamic duo, Filthy McNasty and his fine
friends Vera, for help. Here's their plan.
     Locate the most disgusting pictures you can find. Use your
imagination to locate something that will disgust everyone, even farm
animals. Reproduce this photograph on the type of advertising flyer that
stores put under windshield wipers of cars parked in large shopping malls.
Along with the photo, put some advertising slogans like "You can't beat our
meat," or "Get your rocks off here," or, "If you think this looks like fun,
ask our clerk about the daily special." Then, include in large type the name
of the store you want to Hayduke.
     Don't feel sorry for the store. These gutless wimps surrendered to
our enemy in the battle for freedom. Freedom of our minds is far too
valuable to surrender to some evil bluenose wearing his hypocritical
God-squad mask.


                               -- COOKOUTS --

     As noted earlier, Mark Hastings is a prisoner of Yuppieland.
Happily, he has discovered another way of doing guerrilla warfare against
his captivites.
     "I found that soaking charcoal briquettes in transmission fluid and
then replacing them in Mr. Yuppie's bag is spectacular fun. He soaks them in
lighter fluid and lights them up. You would not believe the smoke. All the
Yuppies wimp off inside to get away from that horrible lung pollution."


                             -- CORRECTIONS --

     A number of loyalists wrote to correct M. Chunder's error in Mad as
Hell over hookahs and bongs. We both apologize, although I don't know why I
am, as it was his stupid error, not mine. Anyway, neither of us are dopers.
In fact, he thought hookahs were New Englands prostitutes and I thought a
bong was something from the start of a J. Arthur Rank Organization film.
Sigh.
     We stand corrected now, so stop sending us all the free samples.
What will we do with them all?


                           -- CUSTOMS SERVICE --

     If your mark has been or will travel out of the country, you might
want to help make a memorable return home by filling out a U.S. customs
declaration in his/her/their name. Forms may be obtained at international
airports. After being creatively completed, it can be left in an airport,
smuggled into a custom area or given to airport security. It would all
depend how and upon whom you chose to use it.


                             -- DEAD ANIMALS --

     Thanks and a tip of the Hayduke halo to Tim W. Newton for this
charming use for previously live animals. Tim used to use full-size roadkill
for Haydukery, then he got into the idea of nerve terror after reading M.
Chunder's last book.
     "The idea is to make the mark think some cult or loony is paying
attention to him or her," Tim says with a glee. "What I do is get very small
dead animals and birds, like chipmunks, baby bunnies, or sparrows. I nail
them to a cross or board. Sometimes I paint funny designs on them or on the
board. I always try to include a photo of the mark and/or his family which
I've taken with a long telephoto lens."
     That, I imagine, could just shake the effluvia out of anyone.
     You remember Carla Savage. She says that roadkill and other dead
animals are like cops, they're never around when you need one. But, since
moving to California, she has found a remedy to this shortage of dead
animals.
     "Being in the horse business, I know a lot of people with big old
barns. Big old barns have rats. They also have rat traps, poison and
ill-paid illegals from Mexico to dispose of the rodents."
     "I give the Mexicans a bunch of baggies each week, then pay them
twenty-five cents per rat, more if the rat is really big and gross," Carla
writes. "When I told them what I planned to do, they were thrilled at my
getting back at some rich creep, so they began to volunteer things for my
collection of putrescent carcasses-dead lizards, jack rabbits, snakes, and
something so large and foul that even Chief Medical Examiner Quincy couldn't
identify it."
     Carla's little zoo soon began to appear in the swimming pool, tennis
court and, eventually, the water well of her neighbor, a man who had given
her and her own live animals mega-reasons for revenge.


                              -- DEATH POOL --

     The credit for this fine bit of American ingenuity goes to Barb, Ray
and Tim. With some modification you can make it work on your mark. You send
a memo or call your mark on the telephone. Ask if he/she wants in on "The
Death Pool." Explain that the player coming the closest to the actual death
date of the subject in the next six months wins the pool. When asked the
inevitable "Who is going to die?" question, you reply calmly, "We've picked
you."
     As a visual aide, you might create a Death Pool calendar with the
choices listed. Display it in a high-traffic location in the office, dorm,
barracks or whatever.


                               -- DIPLOMAS --

     You know the insecure, sissy kids who sort of grew up to be wimps
today? These are the folks who hide their lack of talent, skills, security,
balls, brains, beauty, common sense, humanism, humorlessness, etc., behind
job title, degrees, rank, position or marriage. One of their telltale spoor
is the glass-framed credential, usually in the office or open-to-guests area
of the home.
     Chester the Spoon says, "Use permanent markers to make big slashes
across their credential security shields."


                              -- DOG WASTE --

     Bill Overton of Granite City, IL, was not fond of his neighbor's
canies because of their annoying habit of loud, long nighttime conversations
back and forth, plus their dumping of softball-sized piles of excrement on
his lawn. Bill decided to act.
     Concerned that this behavior was caused by improper diet, Bill
soaked some small sponges in bacon grease, a culinary delight favored by the
fair, four-legged street dweller os Granite City. He dispensed these doggie
hors d'oeuvres, and the doggies loved them. Unhappy, their digestive systems
did not, and they were unable to pass feces or the sponges onto Mr.
Overton's lawn. How sad. They became bloated with flatus and other
complications.
     Happily, a veterinarian was able to save the dogs from their own
stupidity. Showhow, their master figured out what had happened and managed
to move away before Bill Overton found a way to feed him, too.


                                 -- DOGS --

     My friend Carla is obviously a lover of life and of animals. She has
a great idea for people - short of just killing them - who like to harm
animals. Carla points out that there are few laws against abuse of animals
that don't involve official witnesses, officers and all that. But, you can
use what laws there are. Carla says that in most states you can legally
seize (gently, please) any dog that sets paw on your property. Call the
local animal control folks to come and take the dog to the pound. It takes
the owner between twenty and fifty dollars to bail out the dog when you
press the trespass charges.
     Another tip Carla passes along when you decide to declare an
obnoxious dog MIA is to "lose" its rabies-shot tag. This will add some extra
bucks to the bailout. Carla says most pounds don't have the time or
inclination to identify individual animals, thus forcing the owner to
personally drive in to look over the catch of the day.
     Be careful when planning this stunt that you take into consideration
the owner who might not care enough to buy back the dog, and what happens to
the animal if nobody claims it.
     I forgot to tell Carla that in their own world, dogs have a pound
where they tow stray humans. Sometimes they perform medical experiments on
them, in humane fashion, of course. In any case, beware of any animal
hospital whose staff vet is a named Mengele.


                                -- DOLLS --

     You know those soft-sculptured, adoptable dolls that are the current
rage? Take advantage of the fact that some alleged people, including
chronological adults, are more attached to these ugly con jobs that to other
humans or live, traditional pets.
     It gets the old mind to tinkering away in its evil closet.
     Here, directly from the mind of Reinhard Wunken, are some suggestion if
your mark holds dear a cabbage-head kid:

- Assassinate the thing, using a highly graphic form of attack, e.g.
  decapitation, dismemberment, crusifixion, etc.
- Have it sexually assaulted by the neighbor's dog, or, if the actual act is
  impossible to create, a composite photo would be the next best thing.
- put on a one-scene act from "Joan of Arc" with the kid in the title role.
- Send the kid to summer camp, in Lebanon.


                                -- DOPERS --

     The word "dopers" attracts attention. The beauty of this stunt is that
it will work well against any jerk or jerkess that you'd like to see in
trouble with his parents, boss or other authority figure. It's simple, too.
You call the mark's home or work telephone number in hopes the authority
figure answers. A bit of a research could narrow that to actually happening.
Here's a sample of what to say.

     "Hello. Is (mark's full name) there?"

     Authority figure answers negatively and request a message. If
     not, you ask if you can leave a brief message.

     "The message is that I paid for my dope and that little creep
     better deliver it or I'm gonna have some street people [ or
     bikers ] rip his/her face off. You got that [ bitch, lady, punk
     or whatever name you with to use ] ? I get my dope by tomorrow
     or that little AIDS bait [ relationship ] of yours is deat
     meat."

     It is likely this rather one-sided conversation will create some
interesting additional conversation when the gist of the call is explained
to the mark, proving once again that a milligram of prevention is worth a
kilo of cure. In one way or another we have Sid, Chris and UCM to thank for
this one.


                              -- DRIVEWAYS --

     Here's another blast from the brain of the Skull. He saves old, dirty
motor oil instead of recycling it through the oil companies as an obedient
citizen should. He waits for some dark, rainy night, then spreads five or
six gallons of this murky mess on the driveway of his hated mark. It works
better if the driveway is slightly sloped, as most are. If Skull ever sells
the movie rights to this thing, we should call it Tarmac the Barbarian.


                            -- ELECTRIC POWER --

     Somebody you know running a power trip on you, flexing the ego-bully
muscles of a new job, promotion or whatever? Black out his ambition by
switching his or her home fuse box or circuit breaker box in the the "power
off" mode. Then, padlock or spot-weld the box shut. Bleme the Nazis, the
KKK, the Democrats or some other cult by leaving a crude note.


                        -- ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES --

     Many Haydukery fans suggested this one so it really isn't new. But
maybe you'd forgotten it, so pay attention now. You are all aware of the
removable power-cord block at the back of many TV sets, small ovens and
other appliances. It's called the "interlock."
     Select your mark's appliance that you wish to sabotage and unplug the
interlock. Using clear nail polish, cover the male pins thoroughly with a
good, heavy coating. Let dry. Replace the interlock. The appliance will not
operate.
     The fun really cuts loose, of course, when the frustrated mark finally
takes the inoperable appliance to a service center. Big, big repair bills as
well as frustration for the repair person, as most don't spot the trickery.


                              -- EXPLOSIVES --

     Another booming expert comes along with a formula to rattle windows.
St. Petersburg's Captain Video says to poke a small fuse hole in a Ping Pong
ball with an ice pick. The slice the ball almost completely open, but not
totally, at its circumference, using a razor blade. Load the ball with any
of the mixtures of explosive we've used in past books. Captain Video says to
use a portion of mixed with three-quarters of a cup of superfine German
black aluminum powder. Put some six to nine inches of fuse in the hole and
seal the ball with nail polish. Captain Video says this will give you "a
cherry bomb unlike any you have ever used."


                                -- FECES --

     According to the Hombre of Justice, human feces mix well with chocolate
or coffee ice cream and because of the freezing involved, the odor is
eliminated. This stunt gives new meaning to the order, eat shit!
     Animal feces has application beyond agricultural manure. Our faithful
fan, Babs Barfly, lives near a bunch of pigeons and always scarfs up a fresh
supply of their gooey white droppings an stores it, later to be substituted
for cracker spread or dip in the mark's kitchen.
     "Rabbit pellet cookies are an excellent substitute for chocolate chips
... gets the mark away from all those harmful sweets," she adds.


                            -- FINANCIAL FUN --

     The Shadow knows, even if he's from Chicago. Let's say your mark is a
heavy gambler and owes money. You get some nasty-voiced goon to call (choose
one or more) the mark's best friend, employer, spouse, parents, parole
officer, etc, and say something like:

     "Your [friend, spouse or whatever] owes ['Loanshark Eddie' or some
other name with real Mob clout in the ares] two grand. He says you'll take
care of it today personally. So, Crazy Larry and Knuclebuster Spike are
gonna be there in two hours to collect the money offa you. Need I say more?
Good bye!"

     It take little imagination to imagine the results of that telephone
call.


                                 -- FOOD --

     Consulting the menu from Aunt Nancy's Kitchen, we discover that you can
burn your mark if you insert some fun into his or her personal, homemade
assembly line of cake and cookies. The major idea is to ice the bakes goods
with something yucky. What comes to mind is bacon grease icing. Try it on
your mark's cookies and cakes. Some food coloring should hide the smell.
     Would you like to freak out some real rat who has mistreated you to
horrible dinners and other meals? Invite him or her to your place, or,
better yet, to a neutral location for dinner. Slip a couple of mice or rats
into a blender with other ingredients of your choice and make whipped
delight. Put it into a baked shell, pie, quiche or whatever is in at the
moment. But be sure to name it.
     Let your mark eat it. Wether or not you inform the mark what was eaten,
when or how, is up to you.
     Sharing food with friends is a popular Yuppie treat. According to Billy
Bea McStates, a true Yuppie master, one of the newer trends is to volunteer
food from your plate to the plates of others. Here's how Billy Bea does it.
     "I slurp up a bite of something, chew it around for awhile, then offer
it out, saying, 'Hey, wanna try some of my food?" They think it's gonna be
fresh off a plate, least ways until I spit what's been wetly masticated in
my mouth onto their spoon or directly onto the mark's plate.


                               -- FOOTWEAR --

     Did you ever want to float someone's footwear? Gary Signora found it
fun to pee into a beaker, then pour the output into his mark's deck shoe,
rubber overshoe or winter boot. Sometimes, he peed into a plastic bag and
then fit that inside his mark's footwear.
     Why does he do such urinary things?
     "A few months ago, my brother left my shoes outside in the rain after
he'd borrowed them. I raised hell. He said it would never happen again. Then
he gets pissed at me for something and he does it again on purpose. He told
me he did it cause he was pissed. What else could I do? I pissed in his
shoes."


                            -- FOUR WHEELERS --

     Four-wheel drive vehicles are great, useful and valuable. Sometimes,
though, idiots obtain these prime vehicles and do rude things to other
people's property. This where CW of Hastings drives in with a great payback.
     His is a simple idea that befits the simple-minded Brotherhood of
Rednecked Baboons who misuse these fine machines. When the weather is
horrible, ice or snowy, or the goon is in a desert dune, simply unlock one
of the hubs on his vehicle. he has locked them both and assumes they are
locked. You unlock only one. He drives as if his vehicle were in four-wheel
drive. It's not. Disaster ahead. Or, behind.


                             -- FREAKY STUFF --

     Thank the Shadow for this excursion into the occult. If you want to
terrify your mark more than hurt her/him, follow these simple directions.
Get to your mark's bedroom window. Take a glass cutter and gently cut a
square hole in the glass. Be careful not to cut the whole way through the
glass. Choose a biker's glove that is just larger than the hole, or the
other way around, and glue it over the cutting on the outside of the window.
If you can't get a glove, a photo will do. The idea is that a biker has left
his calling card and may reappear anytime.
     Scared? I bet your mark sleeps on his or her back for a long time after
the stunt... if sleep comes.
     Next freak shot is when you hire a really disgusting and gross person
and put him on her in a really disgusting outfit. You are going to take
revenge on someone who really irritated you. It could be a former sweetie,
boss or whomever.
     This person you have hired to do your freaky stunt must be a terrible
sight. You must insist that he/she have a huge head cold or sinus condition
as a prelude to employment. When he/she gets to your mark's home and the
mark swings open the door, your disgusting stooge shouts "Boogergram,
Boogergram!!!" and blows his/her nose fully on the mark, pulls the door
shut, and leaves as fast as possible.


                              -- FURNITURE --

     Sherry of Palm Springs has a true vandal's way of getting back at
somebody's furniture when the host/hostess or furniture has been nasty to
her. For instance, she says if they have a beanbag char, she makes a small
slice in it with her razor-knife. Or, she makes several slices. The weight
of the next occupant and gravity will carry this stunt to completion.


                          -- GASOLINE STATIONS --

     Does the pump jockey dribble gasoline all over your car? Does he wipe
your windshield with a greasy rag? Was a simple twenty-dollar tune-up
upgraded to a fifty-dollar rip-off? Is it any wonder you're not happy with
the owner of this service-oriented business?
     Simply remove the inspection stickers that your state bureau of
measurements puts on the dealer's gasoline pumps to certify that they have
been tested and found to be accurate. The station owner will be in REAL
trouble if you do that. Do your duty as a good citizen, too, and report to
the proper officials that there are no stickers on Mr. Mark's pumps.


                               -- GRAFFITI --

     Obviously, graffiti are very useful little musings from the walls of
toilets, walls, buses, overpasses, etc., and make up the philosophy of
America's street scholars. These graffiti also make great slogans for
T-shirts, bumper stickers, letterheards or, in their purest form, can be
spray-painted on something belonging to your mark.
     According to our veteran contributor Geneth, paint pens are the best
invention for graffiti artists since walls. Geneth says you should always
buy the large size, too, as it lasts longer and is cheaper. Paint pens do a
neater job and are easier to hide than cans of spray paint.
     When the politically controlled Nuclear Regulatory Agency was ordered
from the White House to light up Three Mile Island by starting the reactors,
some dissident friends of your author scribbled some large painted noticed
on bridges and other natural billboards along the Pennsylvania Turnpike:
"HERSHEY, PA: IT MELTS INTO THE GROUND, NOT IN YOUR HAND."
     Here are some prime examples of specific graffiti you can use:

     - To all Virgins - thanks for nothing!
     - When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you.
     - When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking (doping)
     - When all else fails, lower your standards
     - I survived Catholic schools
     - It's not pretty being easy
     - Life is a bitch, then you die
     - Reality is for people who lack imagination
     - A woman's place is in the mall
     - Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you're making too
       much money
     - When God made man she was only funning
     - Yuck Fou
     - We'll get along better as soon as you realize I am god
     - Real men don't have floppy discs
     - Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
     - Life is too important to be taken seriously
     - Get stoned, drink wet cement
     - I love the immoral minority


                             -- GRAVE SITES --

     If you really want to spook some primary or secondary mark, mess with
the burial site of an appropriate, symbolic, but dead mark. Maybe that one
could be referred to as the markee. In any case, Dick Smegma has the answer
to this grave question.
     He says to pour sulphuric or hydrochloric acid on the grass atop of the
markee's site. It will kill vegetation more quickly than standard
herbicides. I can think of all sorts of fun, secondary things you could add
to this stunt to make it really twilight-zone time. I bet you can, too.
     Desmond Dosdose is fifty-three years old and has been a hard worker for
the past thirty-four years, totally loyal to his company. He was ordered
into early retirement at less than a justified amount after his employer
sold out for a huge profit within two hours of pledging to employees he
would not sell out if they would agree to a wage giveback of 30 percent. The
"clever" owner did this to make his business a more attractive sales
package. He sold and ran.
     Viewing his professional death as being worth a fun, live one, Desmond
sought a trusted friend in another state who had another friend who was a
stone mason. Some dollars changed hands and a very realistic tombstone was
created in the name of the former business owner who'd lied to and cheated
his 175 employees. The name and date of birth were correct. The date of
death was two months in advance.
     The tombstone was photographed and made into postcards. These were sent
to the boss who was now "retired" in Florida. A copy was sent to his wife
who was still in the Northeast, selling the house and joining him later. In
the meantime, the original tombstone was planted in the front lawn of the
business.
     Would you believe it spooked the new owners enough that final signings
were delayed six months, which made it necessary for the former owner to
make four very expensive trips back.
     In the meantime, several people from all over the U.S., friends of our
hero, began to call both the mark and his wife every few days saying,
"Only _____ days left to live. Are you ready to die? How does it feel to be
a dead man?"
     OK, enough light humor, it's back to heavy time. If you really want to
shatter your mark, as in "do the sucker in," here you go. Borrow some very
uninhibited friends, truck them to the gravesite of your mark's close
family. Using a Polaroid camera, have your associates perform sexual and
scatological acts up the grave site and stone, then mail the photos to your
mark.


                              -- GROSS OUT --

     An undeserving couple was nistly undercut by a Yuppie hostess at a
neighborhood party. Being only wimps, they applied for help from a friend
who had graduated from a Haydukery School of Mayhem. Here's what he did.
     "I went to the lady's next party as a guest and took a can of instant
whipped cream with me inside my coat," recalls Pablo Gorman. "The lady's
friends did some very upper-class snotty charades, cutting on poor people,
minorites, stuff like that. I got ready for my turn.
     "Before going in front of the group, I filled my mouth with the whipped
cream. The, I strode out and stood in front of the hostess. I began to
stroke my neck up and down, starting slowly, then going more rapidly. Within
a few moments, I moaned, bulged my eyes, opened my mouth and spewed the
whipped cream all over her face."
     In the climatic confusion, Pablo Gorman quickly left, the message
intact.


                             -- GUN DEALERS --

     If your potential mark is a federally licensed gun dealer, you can
target his posterior in rapid-fire big trouble by reporting him to the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms, a federal bureau that enforces gun
laws, often beyond their letter. Most dealers fear the BATF the way Jewish
folks feared the Gestapo in WWII's Germany.
     The best way to attract attention to the dealer is to call BATF and
tell them the dealer is selling guns without paperwork, selling to kids and
fancying stolen guns. Another idea would be to buy an ad in the local
newspaper on behalf of your gun dealer/mark and advertise that he sells live
machine guns cheap and without all the federal paperwork. Stress in your ad
that the dealer has "found a loophole in the fed's stupid law" that lets him
sell machine guns freely. Clip the ad and send it to BATF in Washington.
     It's true that most gun dealers are very honest, fill-in-all-the-
paperwork legal people, so use this stunt only if the mark is a true bastard
or crook. The fun can come if your mark is not a licensed gun dealer. Better
yet, if he or she hates guns, then you have a perfect mark for another BATF
scam. Plant weapons and dummy sales records, and make actual sales to hoods
in the mark's name, and so on. Then, report Mr. Anti-gun to the feds as an
unlicensed dealer.


                                 -- GUNS --

     After Edgar got ripped off, then physically busted up in a drug deal at
his local bikers' bar, he had some fun. Considering that he was going to
split for Panama on a permanent basis, he decided to "act" as a purchasing
agent for that biker group in making a deal for some "off-paper" street
guns, i.e., guns not properly registered and sold. He knew he was dealing
with undercover agents of the BATF.
     "I set up the deal and pulled in a few of the brothers who had me beat
up, letting them think that I was trying to get back into favor," Edgar told
me. "I got the deal set, then I split. I learned that four of my former
brothers got busted in Maryland on federal gun charges and are going to do
about three to five years each. Good news."
     Alonzo Hitler bought one of those very realistic-looking replica
submachine guns after his boss literally walked away from his gambling debt
to Alonzo by pointing a loaded pistol "near" Alonzo's testicles, and telling
him the debt was paid.
     "Enough of that bull. I got the replica submachine gun and got a
girlfriend to drive," Alonzo said. "I knew the boss was out of town for the
day so we took his very recognizable Continental from where he'd parked it.
     "She was behind the wheel and we drove all over town. I had done a bit
of disguise makeup and had dressed the way my boss always dressed so from a
distance I looked like him. Every time we came near a crowd, I waved the
fake gun out of the car window. People scattered.
     "We drove through a mall parking lot and I screamed at a group of
senior citizens waiting for their buss, 'Get down or I'll blow your
worthless heads off.'"
     This went on for only ten minutes as Alonzo and friend figured the
police would be beaming along soon. The boss had parked his continental at
the airport which is where Alonzo and his girlfriend left it - thirty
minutes before El Jefe's flight was due in.
     When the boss landed and walked up to his car, he found several police
cars and some very antsy officers waiting for him with their own, very real
guns drawn. They wanted to discuss his gun waving car ride that afternoon.
     Airline alibi? The boss had no airline alibi. He had faked the flight
and ducked out the side door of the airport to meet his extramarital sweetie
in the car for a trip to a nearby motel. She brought him back in time to
"come off" the flight and appear to be arriving home to his wife and family.
Alonzo knew all of this, of course.
     "It took a month and about $1,300 of his lawyer's time to straighten
out all of this," Alonzo reports. "I'm not sure how it all came out at home,
though. Poorly, I hope."


                                 -- HAIR --

     You may have to think about his original idea for a few moments to
appreciate all the ramifications of disrespect, taboo and mind-mess
involved. Put simply, mail hair to your mark. Mail public hair or go to a
barber shop and collect sweepings of hair. You can be subtle or you can be
gross.
     One of my milder friends gets back at club or disco bars with bad
entertainment and heavy cover charges by pasting public hair on the mouths
of women pictured on promo posters promting the band or singers.
     If you're a waitress, bartender or customer, you can plant pubic hair
in people's drinks and food. Think about the mental anguish. Always pick a
good taboo like this for fun revenge on someone's mind. Hair's thinking of
you, kid.


                              -- HALLOWEEN --

     As a lot of people have known through the years, Halloween is a fine
time for having fun with serious intent, i.e., a great time to get even.
Suppose your mark lives in one of those security bound buildings protected
by closed circuit TV, guards and all that. Wait until Halloween, when a lot
of guests will be entering the building in costume or other disguises.
     Have a very trusted friend who has no connection with the mark rent
your costume for you. Both of you will need airtight alibies in the event
the police got involved, i.e., if your stunt is really awful.
     You dress in the surrogate-rented suit and do your dirty work. All that
the guards or the video cameras note is "someone" in your costume. Frankly,
unless a truly sensational crime is involved, police have more vital things
to do than chase down a prankster in a Halloween suit on Halloween night.
Although others had the same basic idea, the icon of creation here was dick
Smegma.
     When I was a kid, we had this old grump in the neighborhood who was our
mark because he was such a mean old prick all year-round. Halloween was our
one night to get even and usually did. But those were the innocent years.
Today, new generations would deal with him in a different fashion, as you'll
see.
     Take advantage of all the media hype about sickies who poison candy or
stick razor blades in kiddies' goodies. This time, you or a very trusted
friend plant the poison or the blades in your own kid's stash or that of
the friend's kid. Make sure you have some witnesses when you "check" your
kid's candy as "a concerned parent."
     Of course, in your intelligence-gathering stage earlier, you learned
what sort of goodies the mark is handling out. Duplicate it. Now, for the
surprise - you "find" the doctored stuff and announce that your kid got it
from "Mr. Mark" The Kid will probably agree, because he or she did get that
sort of treat there. Make sure you have removed the other examples of that
treat from the bag before "breaking your case."
     Call the police. Follow up with a civil lawsuit for millions or you get
publicity. Even if all the hype falls through, listen to the word-of-mouth
reputation you've created. A good way to poison the old neighborhood well,
as it were.


                            -- HEALTH NOTICE --

     You need to have professional printing to get this stunt started. That,
and human nature, will assure that the stunt works, says Dick Smegma, a
master who lost his amateur status years ago. Here's the deal. Get phony
forms printed that look as if they're from your state's health department.
Use all the official seals, etc. This is why you need to have a friendly
printer in your trust.
     Use the form to report to your mark that he/she has been sexually
active with a partner who has been positively diagnosed as having AIDS. The
form should carry the warning, "Please refrain from sexual relations of any
kind until we can diagnose your case." Tell the mark to bring this form in
person to (address of local clinic filled in) on (set a date and time).
Include some reference numbers, case numbers, etc. Insist that the mark
bring along any spouse or regular sexual partner, too.
     The mark will be in panic, especially if he/she is a straight arrow. It
could cause all sorts of fun with spouses, friends, employers, etc. Also,
think of the yuks when he/she shows up at the clinic.


                             -- HIGH SCHOOL --

     A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he was a young
tad, Colorado's Bill Basque remembers how his ana rival high school
cooperated to stop senseless vandalism. Bill says the student councils at
the two schools signed a pact saying that the senior class treasury would be
used to pay for any damages done to the rival school before, during and
after "the big game."
     "We had one guy who was  a little bit craftier that the rest. He lined
up some very sensible damage to our school using the other school's name and
colors; then he planted some incriminating personal property evidence he'd
managed to acquire from some kids who went to the rival school.
     "Naturally, his little counter terrorist stunt caused and uproar,
depleted the other senior class's treasury and ruined their senior prom. He
was a bright kid. I think he works for the Republican National Committee
now," Bill muses.


                                -- HOMES --

     Barcelona Blom seems like a nice enough guy. He was kind enough to
write me a letter explaining how he moonlights as an interior decorator.
Join me as I share some of his professional suggestions.
     "I had a guy at work who really screwed me a couple times on borrowed
money and was nasty and gloaty about it. I got the biggest Mason jar I could
find and filled it with samples of paint, wood stains, glues, old motor oil,
ketchup, animal blood, puke and all sorts of nasty crap. Nothing fancy, I
just put the lid on, drove it over to the mark's place about 3 a.m. and
heaved it through his big picture window right into his fancy living room.
About a week later at work he was bitching about his megabuck cleaning bill
and that he had no idea who'd be sick enough to do such a thing. I did, but
I kept my mouth shut."


                            -- HOOD ORNAMENTS --

     While hood ornaments have gone the way of old hoods, I think they are
classy and should be resurrected, but with changes. It might be fun to place
a dead rat on the front of a mouthy mark's car with a neck tag that reads,
"You're next." This particular use of the message for a newly planted
ornament came from Shadow.
     I, myself, had though of mounting a stiffy dead groundhog so that my
mark's new "hood ornament" stood up, impaled from the animal's sphincter
muscle. Perhaps a note would be appropriate, perhaps not.
     The only worse use of head ornaments I have heard of came from John
"Big Dick The Truck" Camper, who is normally a quiet, poetry-addicted,
middle-aged member of a small-town Elk's Club. He told me he would love to
find, buy and place a dead human head on the hood of his truck. Does he look
like morgues, anatomy classes or Democratic Party rallies?


                              -- HOSPITALS --

     Dolly Gurney, who toils in the medical profession in West Virginia, has
a neasty twist of humor. She offers up some intelligence which might be
useful to repay a hospital for.
     Whenever a body (aka a dead person) is being moved from one area of a
hospital to another, it is usually loaded onto the bottom tray of one of the
double layer carts they use. This makes it look less ominous, I suppose. The
body is hidden under a sheet so unsuspecting visitors fresh from seeing
Uncle Joe in his last throes of terminal herpes won't be offended by another
stiff. To check, look carefully for the white toe-tag clipped to the sheet.
     Hospital orderlies haul these loads during their routine rounds.
Sometimes, the deceased is unattended for three, four or even five minutes
at a time. Sound like part of a comedy film plot? Nope, it's true. How much
imagination does it take to list five quick stunts you could pull involving
their silent coconspirator?
     Dolly revealed an incident from her own medical facilty when one of the
snotty clerks from the front office, a habitual gossip and confirmed bitch,
was standing in the hall flapping her mouth in a torrent of lies about some
other employee's sex life. Dolly says on of the orderlies had his buddy
assume the corpse position on the lower shelf of meat wagon, complete with a
tag on a bare toe peeking out from under the almost carefully tucked sheet.
     Laughing with her usual guest, Dolly continued, "This orderly was
whistling gaily as he approached the bitch and her cornered audience. They
looked up and saw what was coming - no big deal. As the orderly drew abreast
of the gossip, he slowed almost to a stop as if not being able to pass.
     "At that very moment, the other orderly, pretending to be a corpse on
the lower shelf, slowly reached his hand out from under the sheet and firmly
grabbed the bitch's ankle."
     Dolly reports that the shirek was heard from Pittsburgh to Louisville,
and that the markess had to change her underwear immediately after she
revived by an ammonia cap.
     Yeah, I like it, too.


                               -- INSECTS --

     Jennifer Marshall is a grand lady who now lives in California. She's
had a bad time because she is good, honest, hard working and good looking.
But best of all, she has a grand sense of humor, and she also knows how to
use fleas.
     She suggests you take three or four plastic storage bags that seal and
put a small a mount of honey in the bottom of each. Blow some air into each
bag. The, Jennifer says, locate some roaming neighborhood cat that is always
outside, i.e., a full-occupancy flea motel. Hold the bag over the cat's back
and run the open end along the fur as you pretend to pet it. You will sweep
up many fleas into the bag.
     Next, take the bags of fleas to your mark's car. If you want the fleas
to a nice home, sprinkle some powered sugar around the interior of the
vehicle, too. This also works for apartments, mail slots, etc.
     It may be true that the early worm risks being eaten by a late-night
bird, but cockroaches will probably outlive us all. There must be growing
appreciation for cockroaches, though, as both Shadow and The Quarter Machine
suggested cockroach eggs as a useful tool for the happy Hayduker. These
little eggs, which look just like popcorn kernels, can be gathered from most
fleabag apartments and hostels. Some laboratory supply companies also sell
them. They would be a delightful present for that special someone,
especially if he or she likes popcorn.


                               -- JOGGERS --

     While this is actually more a defense measure than a revenge stunt,
many people who jog have called when I do talk shows to ask how they can get
back at their attackers. Other than the usual bag of after-action goodies,
there are always "kicking spikes," sold for general personal defense, but
ideal for joggers. Basically, they are 20-gauge steel spikes worn unseen
under you shoelaces, but protrudingly enough to do damage. Kicking spikes
are available from Defense Systems, PO Box 297, Awendaw, SC 29429


                              -- JUKEBOXES --

     Nothing fancy, but this stunt could cause the demise of one of these
machines, plus the spillover ill will of ear-mushed customers toward the
restaurant or bar. Out a bunch of your abandoned change, two or three
dollars' worth, into the target box and select the worst song on the play
list. Researching the establishment, its patrons and the play list for
maximum effect is vital before you attempt this stunt. A bit of test
marketing could also help you. Select the absolute worst song, the really
aural dog on the list, and pump it all your change. Hit the buttons and
leave or stay; either way, enjoy.


                              -- JUNK MAIL --

     According to M. K. Smith, the definition of a real loser is a Democrat
who gets junk mail with the postage due.
     Want your mark to receive lots of junk mail? Write a nice, polite,
literate letter in your mark's name to Direct Mail Advertising Association,
6 East 43rd St., New York, NY 10017. Ask them to please place "you" on their
master list for merchants and advertisers as "you" dearly love the bargain
shopping that comes in the mail to "you." You might also note that you are a
shut-in and do your shopping via the mails. Soon your mark will be buried in
unwanted advertising. If you want to thank someone for that last idea, wave
a hearty hand to little Tommie Titmouse.
     The Baffling Radiologist offers a way of fighting back against junk
mailers. He makes top-quality Xerox copies of "First Class U.S. Postage
PAID" mail labels he gets from junk mailers. He then packs up boxes of ugly
and evil things, sticks the labels on them and has them mailed back to the
organization of origin by other friends in strange places.
     Or, for a bit more money, you can mass-produce counterfeit and/or
stick-on labels with your printer pal. Depending upon your legal adviser,
this stunt may be illegal. So what? Happy posting.
     At long last, the combined forces of that great people's law firm of
Hacker and Computer have found a way to smash the evils of junk mail in a
very modern way. The firm's eloquent representative, Mr. Master Hacker,
Esq., tells it as it should be.
     First, find out the name of the "top executive" in the junk-mail
company. Then, find out where the main office is and if possible what the
telephone prefix (first three numbers) is. Now, you need an efficient,
trusted hacker, who knows how to bypass security on the company computer.
     Have the hacker delete the entire mailing list, or just a few names if
you prefer, yours being one of the, of course. If you feel really devilish,
substitute another mark's name for yours or put many different names with
his address on the list. Second, order moderate amounts of products in the
name of the "top executive" of the junk-mail firm. If the hacker knows what
he/she is doing, the executive will never find out what happened.
     Another suggestion involves learning the names and addresses of several
salesmen or executives, including the main office address of the company.
Make a fake chain letter with the list of these individuals and their
addresses. In the chain letter, promise that if you send x numbers of dollar
to the top person, delete his name, and add your name to the bottom, you
will receive x number of dollars when your name reaches the top. Include
instructions to make x copies of the letter and send it to x numbers of
friends. As you know, chain letters are quite illegal, but you will still
follow through with this plan by sending copies to the letter to your
friends, who are the postmaster general of the United States, the U.S,
attorney general, the local district attorney, and any other law-enforcement
personnel you with to include.
     An alternative to the dollar amounts might be to say "send your wife/
husband to the man/woman at the top of the list for one night. When you
reach the top you will have x different encounters; some of them will have
been great fun."


                             -- KU KLUX KLAN --

     Leave it to Dick Smegma to dirty the sheets of this idiotic group of
good old boys with a great stunt that uses the KKK as an unwitting aide.
Dick says to get a membership application sent to your mail drop in a phony
name. Make some color photocopies or have your printer do this for you for
later use. Fill out one in the mark's name, use a postal money order for the
initial membership fee of about $25, then list the mark's work address or
his minister's address or the local "Black Power" organization's address for
that of the mark. Mail it back to the Klan.


                              -- LANDLORDS --

     Donna Vicegrip has a friend whose landlord was a real one-man
pestilence who finally did an ultimate dirty deed to the tenant families.
Donna came to the rescue and here's what happened.
     This was a single-family house so the scam was confined to the landlord
and was executed as the tenants prepared to leave. The first step is to
visit a couple of markets and among other things buy ten or twelve five-
pound bags of sugar. Go to a per store and purchase a bunch of crickets and
roaches (They're sold as pet food).
     When you return to the house, and in the daytime, carefully turn off
all the electricity at the main switch box. Remove all of the wall-light
switch plates. Using a common kitchen funnel to guide the flow, pour the
contents of each of the bugs in each switch hole. Replace the plates and
turn the power back on.
     The insects will feed on the sugar between the walls and will multiply
like bigots in government. The rotten landlord will never get rid of them.
     A wonderful fan called in a variation of this stunt during a talk show
in Florida. He suggested filling the walls with effluvia, dead animals,
vomit, etc., using the electrical access holes as entry points.
     If working with bugs makes you crawly, Donna has a modification of the
insect invasion. Again, pull the main block and shut down all the power in
the house. Remove all the switch plates from the switches and the face
plates from the outlets. Cut all wires from all switches and plugs, attach
fishhook weights to the cut wires and let them fall to the floor, inside the
wall. Next, secure the plates in place again, only this time use Superglue
to seal the bond so that the screws are just cosmetic. Imagine the
landlord's fun when he tries to make the wiring functional again.
     Tanya and friends have slumlords under fire in southern California. A
feisty lady, she had a friend print some "official" forms, illegally using
the name of the landlord, who really is a slime and a slumlord. She makes
sure that all new tenants get a copy. The tenant reads the form, reproduced
here, and sends it in. Much fun then happens between the landlord and the
authorities.



                                                                 (date)

Dear Tennant:
     It has come to our attention that your apartment building has numerous
health and safety violations. As a service, we are providing you with this
form so that your rent can be reduced or stabilized if the owner of this
building does not upgrade your apartment complex. A list of common
complaints follows. Check and comment on those that apply to your apartment.

     1) Old, worn carpeting.
     2) Broken dishwasher.
     3) Broken garbage disposer.
     4) Leaks in plumbing, causing mildew, mold, sagging ceilings
        and/or walls due to water damage.
     5) Missing window screens.
     6) Unusable underground parking due to poor lighting in the
        garage area at night.
     7) Non-operating washers and/or dryers, necessitating the use of
        a laundromat.
     8) Peeling paint.
     9) Clogged sinks.

     Please take the time to fill out the form and list your complaints,
then tell us how much loss you feel your rent should be because of these
defects. We will take legal action if necessary to protect your rights.

Sincerely,
(Name and Title)
Los Angeles Rent Control Board
(Address)

     Another way to hassle a landlord is to picket his home, office, other
rental properties, or wherever you might locate him/her personally, e.g..,
his country club. Be sure to include minority pickets and make broad hints
that the landlord won't rent to members of ethnic, racial and social
minorities. Old people are great sympathy-arousing minorities for this
stunt, as are nice young couples with babies whom the landlord has "put out
in the cold." Make sure these are all working-class folks and civilized
minority types. You will get sympathetic media coverage, too, if you play
this properly.


                             -- LAUNDROMATS --

     Have one of these absentee-ownership business ruined your clothes,
ripped you off or otherwise stained your relationship without a hope of
mending things in a reasonable fashion? Holy White Tornado, it's Filthy
McNasty and Vera to the rescue with myriad grand ideas.
     If the laundromat has no attendant on duty, and most don't, simply go
into the place and fill all the washing machines with quick-drying cement.
The will cost a hell of a lot of bucks to repair. The dryers can be
sabotaged by filing them with expanding plastic foam. Best to do this at
night when there are no other customers around.
     Or, you can walk into the washeteria with about five pounds of calcium
carbide (wonderful stuff) and dump it into a washing machine. Start the
cycle and run like hell. It will foam up like crazy, give off an incredibly
obnoxious-smelling gas, and also gum up the machine's gears.
     These are drastic measures. Here is a lightweight goody. Most laundry
detergents are a white powder. So is powered bleach. Buy a box of Tide, or
similar laundry soap, empty out half of it, and fill it with powdered
bleach. Leave the box behind. If this is used for colored clothes, they will
run beyond belief. Some laundry detergents are a green or blue powder. So is
dye. Mix in some dye with the colored soap powder. Guess what happens?
     Another way to point out the errors of their ways to errant owners of
these establishments comes from an old Vietnamese friend of mine, a
laundryman named Diddy Mao. He converts empty washing machines and clothes
dryers into pet cages. For instance, he suggests you put a large, live rat
into one of the washers and close the cover. Or, fill one of the machines
with crickets from a bait shop, or a swarm of bees. In any case, the
customer is going to be the secondary mark in this sting and will surely be
out to spread some legal venom to the owner of the business.


                                -- LIGHTS --

      Here's a quickie from Jolly Cholly Potter, who likes to put shoe
polish on the pull-strings hanging down from basement light fixtures.
Calling into one of my talk shows, he said, "I do it for my girlfriend a lot
and she always falls for it. It's a real hoot, as the old mark gets polish
all over his or her hand."
     He's in coal business if that help explain things.


                           -- LOCAL OFFICIALS --

     Political philosopher Fearing Pangborn, director general of the
Albanian Human Rights Council, mistrust both the U.S. and the USSR war-
monger governments. Speaking of them in tandem, he notes, "Facts without
theory is trivia, while theory without facts is bull." All of which brings
up this great scam played on small-town bozos.
     The hero is very careful not to give away anything of his identity to
us because he's still having too much fun to even risk getting caught. But
it's all true. Basically, what he let me know so far is that small
community's "old boy club" leaders screwed him badly on a business deal on
favor of one of the old boy's sons, using insider data via the local bank
president. Nasty business. Much of the blame goes to the police chief and
the mayor who brought blackmail pressure on the banker because of his
extramarital affair with a local lady. The lawyer who gained big bucks was
the mayor's son.
     Our hero had a friend in another town across the country get him a fine
transceiver with the local police and emergency frequencies on it, including
the scrambled tactical operating frequencies. He had another out-out-state
friend wire a connector between his transceiver and his car's cassette
player.
     Our hero rides around the area at odd hours of the day and night
playing quick snatches of porno cassettes featuring very explicit sound
effects. He precedes the tape selection with a recorded cut-in done by
another out-of-state friend who can imitate Johnny Carson and the voices of
other stars, saying things like, "And now, dear friends, here is my on-the-
spot recording of the mayor's daughter whoring around with the police
chief's mother."
     Naturally, in a small town, all sorts of gossip about this has started,
and our hero has become a folk hero to an underground newsletter started by
an out-of-work bunch of labor-union folks who also have justified grudges
against the power elite of the town.
     Not only can you use a transceiver with the proper crystals of
frequencies to have fun in official radioland, you can also modify the
official actions of the minions of this land. As Jake Buckshot explains, "I
got an official transceiver through a buddy who had been a cop until he
tired of the 'bash first, ask later' mentality in his town and moved on. I
use it to cut in on stupid dispatch orders.
     "We had some bluenoses upset about a nude section of public beach up
here. They pressured the local police into hassling these quiet folks who
felt like sunning and swimming without suits. I decided to help out these
dumb Nazis we got here playing cop."
     "I cut into and overrode the dispatcher - I'm a ham operator and radio
buff and know how to soup my set - and said, 'Disregard previous
instructions, beach squad. Return to base for visual instructions.'
     "Another time I sent them to the mayor's house for a reported orgy on
the lawn, only I didn't tell them the mayor lived at that address."


                          -- LUNCH-BAG THIEVES --

     If you're having problems with other folks stealing your brown-bagged
lunch at school or work you might want to think about the rather extreme
methods Jose Cajones took to combat them in his factory job area.
     He bought some little discs of moth killer that come wrapped in plastic
packs and look somewhat like candy. He wrapped a few in the desert section
of the lunch his wife packed and put the lunch on his shelf above his desk.
Bingo!
     When the fellow employee was taken ill suddenly and had to leave the
shop for a trip to the emergency room, Jose figured his problem was solved.
And, it was. Watch your dose rate with this one, though, as a whimp/mark
could get really sick.


                               -- M.A.D.D. --

     Because they are such a vindictive bunch of hens, the Mothers Against
Drunk Driving must be treated with caution, much as one would approach a
poisonous snake. Our contributor on this one will remain fearfully unknown,
except for being from the state of Washington. Here's what happened.
     A local M.A.D.D. member believed our contributor was a drunk driver
because this person worked in a tavern. Our contributor was constantly
bombarded with phone calls, mail and visits by M.A.D.D. zealots. Later, a
mistaken identity in a local paper cause her more grief with these menacing
mothers.
     Late one night, our contributor called the local M.A.D.D. busybody's
home, gave a fake name and said she was drunk and needed a ride home.
     "I gave her the name of the bar and a generic description of myself. I
waited for her nearby. While she entered the bar looking for me, I quickly
spirited a half empty bottle of booze into her car, with the lid loose,"
our contributor reports.
     "After waiting a few minutes she left, probably figuring it was a
prank. In the meantime, I had called the local DWI hotline and reported her
car and license. The cops stopped her and found the bottle. We have an
open-bottle law in our state, so she was had.
     "You know how wonderful there-is-justice-afterall in this matter? She
really was legally loaded... a .17 reading. Ain't it wonderful? Getting even
is such fun," our contributor writes.
     Meanwhile, a friend of mine, El Coronel Thomas Eructo, is starting an
organization known as Drunks Against Mad Mothers, or D.A.M.N. Would I lie?


                                 -- MAIL --

     Did you ever want to run a direct-mail business? Did you ever want to
run a truly gross direct-mail business? Did you ever consider setting up
your mark in just such a business? If you answered "yes" to any of the three
questions, read on. Otherwise, turn on your TV and watch the PTL Club's
Dollar Flagellation Hour.
     All you need to do to put your mark in business is buy a couple of ads
in the classified sections of the sleazy magazines on sale at your local
newsstand or sold through the mail. Set up your mark in the business of
providing sex by mail or telephone. Offer a free first call or something
else to shill the customers. Be sure to make your ad copy as lustful as
possible, especially if your mark is female. Most guys really run their
logic circuits on overload if they think they're going to score for this
natural biological weakness which occurs in the male species.
     Do you need to get someone on a lot of mailinglists or to flood them
with samples, introductory offers and subscriptions? There is at least one
company that provides all the ammunition for this valuable weapon in your
trickster's arsenal. It's called Executive Management, and you will be using
their "Direct Media Card Deck" division.
     Using a selected nom de mark, order one of the "decks." What you'll
get is a plastic-packed deck of direct-mail inquiry cards from various
businesses offering myriad services and products. All are pre-addressed to
your mark and most have prepaid postage. All you do is select appropriate
cards, check a few boxes, then mail. They have a lot of different "deck"
selections, as this is a clearing house for promotions, so work this gold
mine well and often.
     At last, I've finally discovered a positive use of advertising
circulars, i.e., you can help your enemies by ordering self-help books for
them. Here's the idea. Rob your mark's mailbox of fliers from book-clearing
remainder houses, sales outlets, and liquidation sales centers. You then use
the adhesive stickers on the order blank to "order" books for your mark on a
COD basis.
     You can add insult to injury by selecting books that slap the mark's
ego, e.g., 30 Days to a Real Bustline, Flatten that Fanny, Home Cure Your
Herpes. You get the idea. Or try to pick books that are totally
inappropriate to your mark's lifestyle, biases, etc.
     On another scale, the postal one, here is a stunt that is hardly new
and dozens of people have suggested it so I imagine it is working well.
Let's share it with the rest of the masses. Here's how to mail letters to
friends for free. Simply reverse the sender and the sendee name/address, and
use no postage stamp.
     And speaking of envelopes, you can always use a good supply of
postage-paid envelopes, according to governmental consultant Joseph Porta.
Joe suggest you shop for a supply of these at government and military
offices, corporate mailrooms, etc. He says using these with some common
sense security guidelines really cuts down on your postal bills.
     Here's a nice twist on the old charge of address bit. This idea came
from my old mail delivery man. Either change the mark's address or give the
mark a new address, using the existing address of some outfit like the Red
Cross, YMCA or whatever. Or, you can change the address of the YMCA, Red
Cross, etc. to your mark's home or business address. Whichever you do, the
idea is to bury the mark with high-volume mail delivery. The confusion of
getting all of this straightened out will be a delight, too.


                              -- MICROWAVES --

     At first, Dick Smegma's landlord was a nice guy. Then it became
obvious that the hell was trying illegally, immorally and however else to
force Dick and his wife out so he could rent to a relative. Things got kind
of tight and nasty.
     "You could feel the tension cooking," Dick noted with glee as as
recalled the revenge he extracted.
     "We loaded up the apartment's microwave with all the silverware in the
place and turned it on for an hour. This act causes the microwave to feed
back into the uranium diode (hearth of the unit), shorting it out and
rendering the whole microwave useless."
     A quick check with a local repair person netted me the knowledge that
repair or replacement of the diode and retuning the unit would cost between
$200 and $500.


                             -- MOLESTATION --

     If your mark really deserves this, do it, because the current
atmosphere is right and the dirt is ripe for results. Call your mark's
employer, or have a lady friend who is a good actress do it. It works well
if the mark is a teacher or has some other occupation that involves kids.
Tell the employer that the mark made sexual advances to your kid - cry or
shake the voice a bit - and you want it stopped. You don't want the police
involved because you don't want the child subjected to that, you just want
it stopped. See why the caller has to be a good actor or actress?
     As a slight variation, Mr. Justice, our clever contributor, suggests
you call the employer and pretend to be a vice cop. Inform the employer
about a complaint against the mark and that you're checking to see if there
have been other complaints. Insist you are trying to keep this quiet and
contained.


                           -- MOTION PICTURES --

     Giggi Taveras was accused of sneaking booze into t theater when it was
actually the people behind him. He had a few beers before the flick so he
did smell of booze, but he had not brought in any. He didn't even know the
people behind him. Nonetheless, the manager had him charged. The fine was
twenty-five dollars and nine dollars in cost. Giggi was furious.
     When he next went to the movie, he prowled around the projection booth
and found a lot of ventilator holes. He noted that with a piece of
telescoping antenna and some putty he could adjust the sound volume control
on the movie without the operator seeing him as that employee was also the
ticket taker who had other duties after he set the film to running.
     Giggi waited until they showed a good suspense film. Then minutes
into the film he stepped unnoticed to the air hole and adjusted the volume
all the way up with his antenna. He quickly shortened it and was in his seat
in three seconds. After six repetitions of the volume mysteriously going up
and down drastically within twenty minutes, the show was stopped, the
patrons waited ten minutes for an equipment check, then the film began
again. So did Giggi, the moment the projectionist left the booth. The next
time, he bravely adjusted the sound while the man was in the booth but had
his back turned. He did it again. And, again.
     By this time the audience was unruly to the point of being surly. The
manager stopped the show and not only refunded everyone's money but issues a
free pass to all customers for a future movie. Giggi left a pleased and
vindicated man. He made sure that he thanked the manager personally with a
big smile.


                            -- MUSICAL CARDS --

     Are Father's Day, Grandma's Day, Ex-Spouse Day, and all of the other
sentimental holidays really historic or are they just an accumulation of
marketing scams by greeting-card companies? Bring up the music maestro,
let's explore the issue. Ah, the hell with it. Here's what you do. You know
those expensive cards with little mechanical music-makers inside that play
some sappy song when you set them of? Set off a whole bunch of them in a
store... as in a concert of cacophony.


                              -- MUSICIANS --

     Mel tells this great story about her fiancee, Gary. He played in a
group with a piano pounder who was a thorough rotter. Nobody liked the guy
and he earned this hatred every day because of his ego and actions. Gary
decided to have some professional fun.
     "They were in a stage setup where Gary was playing guitar behind and
below where the keyboard was set up. Gary waited until the piano jerk had a
solo, then crawled to the bench, totally out of sight of the audience, and
slipped his body just under the man's bench. Then, with his drum-stick he
started to beat a completely different temp back and forth, like a
metronome, on the player's knees. Within moments, the man's distractedness
showed and he hopelessly fouled up his solo. The audience got very restless.
Nobody in the group jumped in with a riff to save him, either. He took
another long, long minute to finish his messed-up solo," Mel reports.


                              -- NEWSPAPERS --

     Not long ago, the Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, Times Leader, which
presumably employs editors and proof-readers, reported the wedding of Thomas
Durkin and Mame Broody. According to the paper, the wedding party included
people with names like Gloria Snockers, Lilac Arug, Amos Behavin, and Hugh
G. Wrection.
     At about the same time, the Columbia, South Carolina, Record published
an employment agency's classified as in the help-wanted section under
"Secretary." It read: "Several Positions w/Top Co. Screw Your Way to the
Top!"
     Both items were obviously the work of jokesters, the kind of thing
newspapers hate, but Haydukers love.


                           -- NO PARKING ZONES --

     Our old pal Trusty Giusti on the West Coast doesn't like lazy jerks
who park in handicapped zones. He has large, newsprint signs printed and
fixed with stick-on glue backing. His sign is a foot square and he slaps
them right in the driver's vision zone of the windshield of the offending
parked vehicle. The sign says "Don't park in handicapped zone again, jerk,
or we'll see that you qualify!" He reports that the signs are very
difficult to remove.


                              -- ONE LINERS --

     These are good, tested one-liners that you can use to put down or
otherwise top another person during a public confrontation that has
attracted the attention of other folks. The decibel level at which you
deliver the line will reflect on the situation. Also remember that timing is
vital to effective communication.

* It doesn't matter if you're gay (to a person of the opposite sex)
* My God, he got you pregnant?
* Stay the hell away from my ten-year-old daughter! (to an older man)
* You shouldn't even be in here - you have herpes (in a restaurant, bar or
  child-care center).
* Keep your hands off my ass (anyone of either sex).
* Don't you dare follow me to the bathroom again, you fag!
* My God, you're carrying a gun!
* Goddamn it, you're a narc. Hey, he/she's a narc (great in biker bar)
* Deny you're a narc, you jerk (also great in a biker bar).
* How can you sell dope that cheap? (anywhere, but great in schools)

     I'm sure you have others that you've used in the past. I'd like to hear
about them. For these, I wish to thank Warthog, M. N. Chunder, Dick Smegma
and Carla.


                                -- PAINT --

     As a journeyman painter, Skull introduces us to a fine product known
as "Fix Quick" or "Fix All," depending upon the brand name. It is used to
fix deep cracks in drywall or wood. Skull says it can be used to fix creeps
as well.
     These products come in powdered form to be mixed with water. What
might happen if the water you mixed the powder in was in your mark's toilet
bowl at the time? Or, pour some of this magic powder into a garbage
disposal, sink, drain or washer. Add a bit of water and within fifteen
minutes the stuff expands and become hard as Sheetrock.
     By the way, those little plastic bubble paints that some hobby stores
carry team up very well with a heavy-duty, field-model slingshot to do some
colorful damage to all sorts of property. This helpful household hint comes
from interior decorating hobbyist Mac Barfo.


                               -- PARKING --

     Here is an interesting modification to the old "Reserved - Police
Dept." bags that people used to carry in their cars to insure parking spots
or to beat meters. I heard this stunt down at a local Sons of Mussolini
meeting a few months ago. You go to your printer and have a hundred or so
cardstock signs made saying "Funeral Parking Only." You can tie these around
parking meters all around your mark's store, and customers will stay away.
The mark will be afraid to remove the signs because they say in small type
at the bottom: "By Order of (town name) Police Department. Do Not Remove."
     A friend of mine had a lot of fun with the police department in
another town by having his friendly printer make him several books of
parking violation tickets that duplicated the originals from the town in
question. My friend spent a lot of funny days and evenings issuing them to
secondary mark's vehicles. In addition to indiscriminate ticketing, he
always dropped a few on some of the police's more outspoken critics in the
community to stir the pot of paranoia.


                            -- PARKING METERS --

     Will someone tell me if this is possible? Chris Schaefer asks if
realistic decals could be made that would watch your community's parking-
meter windows. You stick them over the expired sign and it would look on
routine inspection as if there were money in the meter. Sounds like a grand
idea. I asked one printer and he said it surely could be done, but would
cost more than the parking was worth unless you were buying in bulk and
selling them to the public. Any comments?


                               -- PARTIES --

     Speaking of party poopers, we have to thank Long Beach's Tanya, a
chemist, who suggests that you can use an eye dropper or other small
insertion device to put croton oil, a diarrhea producer, or Lasix, a potent
diuretic, in chocolated or any other food. It takes a deft touch, Tanya
says, but you can do it. She suggests you use your imagination to produce
other surprise fillers, then combine with previous Haydukery, like nailing
or gluing shut the bathroom facilities.
     Refinement is an amusing word to use here considering what's about to
happen, but this is a refinement on a stunt from one of the earlier books. A
former state legislator offers the idea of a nationally advertised party for
bikers to be held at your mark's home. Try to choose some date you know the
mark will be there - the wedding of a son or daughter or a neighborhood
party - or perhaps you can assure the mark will be there through some pseudo
planning of your own.
     Then you advertise the party in some biker magazine promoting free
beer, food and lots of horny ladies. I suggest Easy Riders as I know the
magazine well and it has credibility. Include in the classified ad that this
is a "coming home party for some righteous brother who's just gotten out of
the joint." Give a definite time, date and address.
     Even if the "former state legislator" doesn't know for sure, I will
guarantee from any background that this one could cause the sudden call-up
of the National Guard. I would love to be there. Let me know when and where.


                              -- PATRIOTISM --

     Here comes a roaring broadside from Dick Smegma that makes use of
patriotic flag-waving. This one works even better if your mark is a super-
patriotic son of the Jessie Helms ilk.
     Tie an American flag to one end of a rope and tie the other end of the
rope to the underside, not the bumper, of the mark's car. Stuff the flag
under the car where it cannot be seen. When the mark drives off, Old Glory
unfurls and you can guess the rest. Hint: using the stunt in a high-
visibility area adds both risk and more likelihood of the mark getting
nailed legally and otherwise.


                              -- PET OWNERS --

     The immortal battle: what to do to the rude owners of those dogs who
take those gross dumps on your lawn. Rob from Palm Beach got a large box,
filled it with packing, then included a plastic bag full of two or three
days accumulated dog dump. He sent it to his neighbor COD via UPS from a
nearby town. Within four days, the neighbor began to carry a pooper-scooper
when he walked his dog.


                     -- PHILADELPHIA PARKING TICKETS --

     Our madman, Stud McCutcheon, is correct when he says that only folks
in the Great Rust Belt of the Northeast will have heard of the infamous
Philadelphia Parking Ticket Scam, which he blames on the evil La Croix
Brothers Mob. However, the principle is useful anywhere. It seems the
Philadelphia traffic-ticket system spews out tickets for people who've never
even been in Philadelphia, let alone operated an automobile there. Dead
folks have been cited.
     Here's how Stud's scam works. You call your mark and identify
yourself, let's say as Sgt. McGregor of the (fill in a city or town -
perhaps
even Philadelphia) Traffic Court Division, and you ask the mark what he or
she is going to do about $150 in outstanding traffic warrants.
     I am sure you can imagine the rest of the conversation if the mark has
never been to the community in question. Nonetheless, adopt a tough-cop
attitude and bully the mark. Insult the mark. Threaten the mark. Either
frighten the mark or make him/her furious. This one has a lot of sharp edges
to it. You can lend authenticity to this by having an associate with the
proper accent and attitude make the call.


                           -- PIE IN THE FACE --

     Continuing with his genius of adding new style to old tricks, Dick
Smegma brings his scatological outlook on marks into playing again. Instead
of using a shaving-cream filler to pie your victim, Dick says to make an
excrement pie. He also says to mush it in the mark's face; don't just throw
it. This works best with wimpsor with people who are slower runners than you
are.


                                -- PILOTS --

     Our Jimmy Carter is not the same honest wimp who was driven from the
White House by the histrionics of that Teflon-coated California pond scum.
Our Jimmy is a fun guy. When he was hassled by an airplane pilot for reasons
beyond belief, Jimmy didn't ground the guy with a fist to the face, he used
a blow to the brain.
     "I found a book that documented airplane crashes with a lot of really
grisly pictures. I made photocopies of the wreckage, the people and the
carnage in general and sent them to him as photo postcards," Jimmy reports.
     The book Jimmy refers to is Plane Crashes, by Beryl Frank (NY: Bell
Publishing Co., 1980)


                             -- POLITICIANS --

     We were seated one evening discussing ferals when it wasn't long until
Sr. Estercolero Pope mentioned politicians. He said that medical researchers
are considering using them for experiments instead of laboratory rats
because politicians are more plentiful, they have a metabolism close to that
of humans, plus the technicians don't become as emotionally attached to
them.
     Years ago, Drew Pearsons observed that "rarely will a politican pass
any law to which he is subject... Most are moral cowards." But that's no
reason we cannot imitate them. You've seen Ron Smith's commercial lookalike
celebrities on television. These are everyday folks who look and, sometimes,
sound like celebrities, but who rent themselves out for a whole lot less
than the real issue. The biggest broker in the country for this service is
Ron Smith, with offices in New York and Los Angeles (see "Sources").
     Why not rent someone who looks and sounds like your least favorite
political thing and have your impersonator make political speeches, public
appearances, press conferences, etc. The legal key is never to actually
identify the actor as the real person. Let the media and audience assumption
do the job for you. Never deny, just never formally identify. You can have a
lot of fun with this.
     If you need someone to thank for this kindness, say "Hi" to Marla and
Melanie, twin dynamos of creativity in Phoenix. As Marla points out with a
sly smile, "Everytime I see Ronald Reagan on television, I am reminded of
that famous line from the Wizard of Oz, 'Pay no attention to the man behind
the curtain.'"


                                -- PORNO --

     Since Adam and Eve went out of the adult photo-finishing service, you
folks need a safe place to send your sexually explicit photos for
processing, the first step for some Haydukery. Here's a good outfit: Male
Order Photolabs, 18718 Ventura Blvd., Tarzana, CA 91356. They accept credit
cards, too.


                               -- POSTERS --

     It's not very original, but when a truly stupid politican irritated
Paul "W. Ass, and rational discourse didn't settle things, our hero waited
two years until reelection time. By this time he had collected some amusing
candid photos of the incumbent idiot in silly, semi-embarrassing postures.
He used them to illustrate posters that falsely advertised the politico/
mark's radical views on unpopular issues. The operable words here is "false"
views.
     "I put these posters, which cost less than twenty-five cents each from
a sympathic printer, in really high-traffic areas where it is illegal to
post posters, like turnpike booths, city trash cans, church windows and
service display boards," Paul reports.
     When it comes to anti-poster planning, consider the problems faced by
an unpopular cause in America - peace. James Idare, a longtime advocate of
peace, laments, "Every time we put up posters, some Yuppies, hawks or
retreads for Reagan tear them down. I finally had a fine idea.
     "I mixed some rather rough ground glass, a bit of cow urine and
another chemical in with the paste we used to secure the posters. I figure
that trading some poster-ripping for those jerks' fingertips and some later
disease is fair enough."


                                -- PRICKS --

     According to a story I read in the Christian Crusade Enquirer, a
Clifornia husband who had found a new sweetie instructed his wife to sell
all their community property and said they'd split the total. He even agreed
to let her sell the true love of his life - his vintage Porsche. He'd rather
have it end up with a stranger than with his soon-to-be ex.
     Later, she gave him a check for his share, and an itemized receipt.
She'd gotten a good price for everything - except the Porsche, which she'd
sold to a migrant worker for $75.
     This demonstrates to me that the wages of sin vary a whole lot. Or, in
the words of the late Bruno McManmon, saepe intereunt aliis meditantes
necem. For those not conversant in Latin, that means those who plot the
destruction of others, often destroy themselves.


                            -- PUBLIC SMOKERS --

     A lot of public elevators have ashtrays to encourage those vermin who
smoke among us. Replace the sand in these ash trash with a mixture of
potassium nitrate and sugar. Thanks, Barney Vincelette. While we agree very
strongly, I'm glad you talked me out of using claymores.


                                 -- QUIZ --

     There's a short, shelf-help quiz to tell you if you are a sucker, a
victim or someone likely to be screwed by the various bad bullies of our
world. Answer "yes" or "no" to these questions.

1. Do work and salary make you free?
2. Do you think Pepsi, your own PC/videogames, vacation outside the fifty
   states and five-digit price-tag car represent the good life?
3. Do you give a hoot about the First Amendment?
4. Do you know what it is?
5. Do you think Jesus moved that rock all by himself?
6. Can the local police really protect your rights?
7. Is capitalism compatible with communism?
8. Is either compatible with humanism_
9. Should R. Reagan and S. Stallone lead the first wave ashore in
   Nicaragua?


                                -- QUOTES --

     Here's some honesty. The first time Mac Chunder and I discussed using
quotes in a book, it was as filler. Frankly, we used them to fill up space,
to pad the book. To our amazement they have drawn a lot of positive mail,
including you folks sending in favorite quotes and quoters.
     Make good use of these quotes in your graffiti cryptic messages,
threats, bon mots, comebacks, etc.

"The next best thing to a good friend is an enemy who knows you all too
 well."
                                                         - Chester the Spoon

"The easiest way of change history is to become a historian."
                                                        - Rev. Jerry Falwell

"The world is absolutely out of control now and is not going to be saved by
 any reason or unreason."
                                                             - Robert Lowell

"Somewhere, something incredible happened in history - the wrong guys won."
                                                             - Norman Mailer


"Treason never doth prosper; what's the reason? Why if it prosper, none dare
 call it treason."
                                                           - John Harrington

"Conscience is a larger foe of mankind than is gunpowder."
                                                         - Snakeoil Cignetti

"We damn Americans roam the world strewing death, destruction and riches in
 our wake and turn whole countries into either napalm ruins or flourishing
 whorehouses."
         - A Vietnam combat vet in protest of the U.S. outrages in Nicaragua

"He's such a pacifist you just want to kill him."
                                                            - M. Kerri Smith

"The best political weapon is the weapon of terror. Cruelty commands
 respect. Men may hate us. But, we don't ask for their love; only for their
 fear."
                                                          - Heinrich Himmler

"The people will always attempt to find the positive aspects of all
 circumstances, which, in themselves, are not susceptible to danger."
                                                             - Joseph Stalin

"People aren't really poor until they start using water on their corn
 flakes."
                                                              - Nancy Reagan

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre
 minds."
                                                           - Albert Einstein

"It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove
 all doubt."
                                                               - George Bush

"No one can make you feel inferior without you consent."
                                                          - Elanor Roosevelt

"A dog is a dog, except when he is facing you in a narrow alley. Then, he is
 Mr. Dog."
                                                  - Nicaraguan street vendor

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness isn't shopping in the right places."
                                                              - Nancy Reagan

"Capitalism gives all of us a great opportunity if we seize it with both
 hands and hang on to it."
                                                                 - Al Capone

"Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
                                                                   - LTC Mac

"It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the
 Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
            - An American doctor viewing a bombed-out village in El Salvador

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
                                                                  - Mae West

"Je te pisse au cul."
                        - A French veteran of Bergen-Belsen to Ronald Reagan

"To profess principles but not be prepared to back them is to be without
 principles."
                                                              - Mary J. Berg

"My mother-in-law told us she always had a desire to be buried at sea. I
 told my wife we should dump her off the Salmon River bridge tonight...
 she'd eventually get to the sea. Three weeks later I'm divorced."
                                            - G. Barrett, via George McGeary

"A fellow who is always declaring he is no fool usually has his suspicions."
                                                             - Wilson Mizner

"Ask a kid what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
                                                             - Fran Lebowitz


                                -- RADAR --

     You remember how in WWII Allied aircraft dumped tons of aluminum strips
to confuse German radar so that millions of these fake blips his the real
blips of the bombers on Nazi radar screens. Fast forward today, courtesy of
Gary Sisco.
     If you don't like American policy in Latin America, where they bomb
villages every day, or you want to screw up a SAC airfield, your own local
field or mess up the local police, pay heed to Gary.
     "Invest about sixty dollars in a tank full of helium and about five
hundred balloons. Fill each balloon and have friends tie strips of aluminum
foil to each one. Release them in the area of the airfield where you want to
mess up the radar. It works with presto wonderful efficiency all the time."
     He mentioned using vans and other mobile launching units to really mess
up things.


                            -- RADICAL GROUPS --

     Have a bone to bash with the KKK, MOVE or some other group of dangerous
mental midgets? Here's an idea based on something a chap named Chucky Gorman
did when he got home from Vietnam.
     "I found out the home phone numbers of about a dozen members of the
local radical group of hatemongers. I also knew their leader and how he
spewed hatred of anyone who had a job, was white or had white friends, etc.
IT was a black version of the KKK. I could also imitate his voice.
     "All of these brothers got this heavy-duty alert phone call from me
about then o'clock that night, telling them to unearth their pieces. I also
told them to bring the heavy stuff - the full autos and sawed-off shotguns -
for a big blast-off for some Klanners. I told them to meet me at a specified
location at midnight.
     "My next call went to the state police and I used my 'Mr. Charley P.
Whitey' voice for that call. I told them when and where. Man, I check out a
couple of the brothers and at 11:30 they were loading up their cars and
going for full combat.


                      -- RADIO-CONTROLLED AIRCRAFT --

     Every kid wishes he had one... even us old farts who had to make do
with balsa wood gliders dozens of years ago. But now, Mac Chunder's old pal
Jimmy Carter has some new uses for the latest in radio-controlled aircraft
models.
     It's expensive to sacrifice these aircraft, but Jimmy feels if the
fault and the cause are enough, then the cure is $$-justified. That works
for me. Here's some of his suggestions:

* Always be sure you have included the primary and secondary mark's full
  name, address and telephone number on an ID plate on the aircraft.
* Crash or land the aircraft in or on the area of a ball game, concert,
  religious gathering, graduation, funeral, etc.
* Add a smoke or mild pyrotechnic capability to the crash.
* Fly it through the mark's window kamikaze style. This ending works well
  with corporate windows, trustee meetings, parole boards and union or
  management gatherings. Again, remember smoke or pyrotechnics.


                            -- RADIO STATIONS --

     C. F. Riggs tells how a friend got back at a local radio station that
had fired him unjustly. The gimmick is to buy a stadium or gym seat just as
close to the radio broadcasting booth as possible. Take a ghetto blaster to
the event. To protect yourself from physical harm by other fans close by,
disconnect the speaker. Now, you're ready to do it.
     Turn the machine up as high as it will go. Turn the tone control to
maximum treble. Carefully tune your radio to the station doing the play by
play. The wonderful squeal of feedback will roll across the airways and into
the immediate crowd area. Classy!


                               -- RECIPES --

     The famed Eastern European chef Job Trojemadj once had a supposed
friend plifer and use two of his personal recipes to win an important
culinary skills contest with both monetary and professional rewards at
stake. Needless to add, our wronged captain of the kitchen dealt his own set
of cards.
     "I had printed some blank recipe cards just as my former friend used
in his own files. I then prepared some carefully faked recipes with various
bogus things, ranging from ingredients to amounts of ingredients, scattered
throughout. I had these smuggled into his personal recipe file at his home -
items he would prepare for personal guests. It took only a month for the
rumors to surface about this man losing touch with his craft," Job Trojemadj
reported with obvious savor to his voice.
     "Revenge in my field is always a case of hoping for the best, but
always expecting the worst," he adds.
     You could easily take this stunt another step and use this basic idea
to infiltrate bogus recipes into the appropriate locations at stores,
restaurants, flea markets, local newspaper columns, etc.


                             -- RESTAURANTS --

     Who else but Dick Smegma would have the fortitude to pull this off,
other than me, of course? Dick writes from Hawaii that an "all you can eat
salad bar" restaurant had really screwed him over on a business deal. All
efforts at civilized collection failed. Haydukery followed.
     Dick went to Mission Row, that's Hawaii's answer to Skid Row, and
rounded up eighteen derelicts that used to look like humans. He announced he
was treating each to a free meal, and he was sincere. He trucked them to the
offending restaurant and ordered eighteen "all you can eat salad bar" meals
for his odoriferous charges, then paid the $2.50 per each in advance.
     "The manager came storming out when he heard the noise and smelled the
stench of my guests. He told us to leave, not even offering a refund at
first," Dick related. "I pointed out the possibility of both legal action
and very likely trashing of his place by pissed-off bums. He saw the light
and had us seated."
     Dick reports that the eighteen derelicts stayed for the next two
hours, gorging on everything not tied down. Word somehow got out to the
washed public that day and they stayed away like fans at a Pittsburgh Pirate
baseball game.
     When the last of his new friends farted loudly enough to flush
commodoes a block away and then knocked a painting sideways with a mighty
belch, Dick and his guy left. But not before he promised the manager that
since they'd had so much fun and fine food, they'd be back again the next
weekend.
     "The manager and I had an instant settlement of (1) all money due me
for the initial rip-off, (2) refund of my meal money for the eighteen bums,
(3) an overall apology, and (4) free luncheon for me for a month on the
premise that I not bring back my eighteen friends," Dick reports.
     What Dick didn't tell the manager is that he could always find
eighteen new friends if the need arose again.
     Another way Dick got back at a restaurant that had screwed him was to
share his story with others in the dining public. He had a printer run off
one thousand handbills written and printed in newsletter format explaining
how he had been offended by this restaurant and the legitimate ways he had
tried to make right his case. He stood outside the restaurant on a public
sidewalk and handed the papers to each person heading into the eatery. Dick
says the restaurant owner fired the offending manager (who had been a real
prick to the help and to other customers) and made amends with Dick
personally.


                              -- SALAD BARS --

     You really can have a lot of fun getting back at eateries that mess
you up or over. Dick Smegma suggests a fun game to play when they have a
salad bar.
     "Go in, pay, fill up your plate with a loaf of messy stuff and begin to
eat. Eat with noise, looking, sounding and acting like a pig. It works
better if you are personally none too clean," Dick suggests.
     "Halfway through, when there is a crowd at the salad bar, come up and
say, just after belching loudly, 'I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought
and besides this stuff tastes like Arab snot!' Then start shoving the
leftover food off your plate and back into the salad-bar containers."
     I would suggest you not look at the horror on the faces of your fellow
dining companions as they back away. You'll probably laugh.


                             -- SALESPEOPLE --

     Even if they are rude, boorish, pushy and invade your privacy, don't
dispose of door-to-door salespeople with a slam in the face of your door.
They can be helpful in your never-ending quest for justice against some
nasty mark who has wronged you. Here is how James Rodger sees it.
     "I politely explain that I cannot afford the product or am just not in
the market now. But, I do have a friend who has mentioned so many times how
much he/she wants a (whatever the salesperson is peddling). Give out the
mark's name, address and telephone number. Then you mention something
personal.
     "My friend was in a severe accident some years ago and has a steel
plate in his/her head. Sometimes, he/she gets odd flashes of strange
behavior and can be confused. Most of the time, though, my friend is a warm,
loving person," is the Rodger pitch. "You might want to call several times
to catch my friend in one of the good moods. I just know you'll have a good
sale there, as he/she is as rich as can be."
     What salesperson could pass up that challenge?


                               -- SOURCES --

     Here is the master listing of places where you can find equipment,
people, accessories and other items to make your Haydukery work. It is
arranged in alphabetical order for your convenience.

* Abbeon Cal, Inc. 123-275Y Gray Avenue, Santa Barbara, CA 93101
  Mark permanently with real paint pens and here's where you can get some.
  They wholesale the real thing in all colors.

* Alcan Wholesalers, Inc. PO Box 2187, Bellingham, WA 98227
  Holy gung ho! These guys have a catalog crammed full of police, military
  and security goodies, equipment, chemicals and supplies. They're real.

* Baron Samedi, Box 2084, Glenview, IL 60025
  This evil chap guarantees "voodoo revenge" on your enemies. Anywhere,
  anyone and fast. Guaranteed for only $25.

* Baytronics, Box 591, SAndusky, OH 44870
  Vets especially will appreciate the huge stocks of GI surplus common
  equipment here, some of it very modern. They have all sorts of
  communication gear.

* Blackhawk, Rt. 1, Box 221, Blue River, WI 53518
  A chemical supply house that sells hard-to-find goodies by mail. When I
  last looked, chloroform was featured at two ounces for $5.

* Break Wind Enterprises, Box 77, Mt. Ida, AR 71957
  These people sell all sorts of fart-related gadgets, signs and bumper
  stickers. They're my kind of tasteful jokes.

* Bumper, PO Box 22791, Tampa, FL 33622
  For create-your-own bumper stickers, here's a printing device. They say
  it's cheap and portable. Write to them for free details.

* Cardinal Publishing, 2071 Emerson, Jacksonville, FL 32207
  If you need blank certificates, here they are birth, baptismal, marriage/
  divorce, wills, awards, diplomas, etc.

* Chemistry, PO Box 1881, Murfreesboro, TN 37133
  These guys advertise all sorts of useful chemical agents. You can order
  with safety.

* CRB, Box 56, Commack, NY 11725
  Hear the feds before they hear and find you! CRB sells books and equipment
  that reveal all the "secret" frequencies of the FBI, CIA, ATF, CC,
  customs, and the military. This is like a big supermarket for buggers,
  anti-buggers, and others who want to know who is listening to what and
  why.

* Dwan Starks, 515 Byrne St., Petersbrug, VA 23803
  Learn the secrets of locksmithery (aka lockpicking), with books,
  instructions, tools, accessories and equipment. A starter kit is available
  for $5.

* Ephemera, Inc. 275 Capp St., San Francisco, CA 94110
  Perverted and disgusting buttons are the forte here, and they also do
  custom work. Bad taste is their hallmark.

* Freedom Press, Box 2451, Farmington Hills, MI48024
  This place is like having access to a major library on chemical,
  biological and explosive warfare. They sell how-to books, plans and formulas
  to Haydukers everywhere. These are good folks.

* Funny Side Up, 425 Stump Rd., North Wales, PA 19454
  This is an adult version of the old Johnson Smith catalog. You need a copy
  of this class clown's bible.

* Gims, Box 45212-452, Baton Rogue, LA 70816
  Fill up your first-aid kit from this legitimate wholesale medical supply
  house, which sells medical treatment equipment and supplies. A catalog
  costs $5 (refundable with order).

* Inkadinkado, Inc., 105 South St., Boston, MA 02111
  Rubber stamps + your imagination = grand fun. These people furnish
  hundreds of splendid, creative and custom rubber stamps and accessories.
  The rest is up to your wonderful mind.

* Kansas City Vaccine Co. PO Box 5713, Kansas City, MO 64102
  These folks sell all pet products and drugs... real drugs. One item that
  may interest you is rabies vaccine.

* Lindsay Publications, Inc. PO Box 12, Bradley, IL 60915
  This is very interesting publishing house, offering a lot of old-fashioned
  how-to books for the person who wants to be independent and self-reliant.
  There are all sorts of technical goodies available here and the catalog is
  free.

* Male Order Photolabs, 18718 Ventura Blvd., Tarzana, CA 91356
  This lab will process your sexually explicit photographs and get them back
  to you safely. The cost is $8.95 per twenty-four exposures, plus a buck
  for postage. They accept MC and VISA. They're O.K. merchants.

* Mesa Books, Drawer 1789-AX, Denver, CO 80201
  Choose from a list of more than five-dozen books loosely related to
  survival and nastiness to your enemies. The incredible price is just $1
  per book... neat titles, too. Their motto is "Ban Defeat." I can get into
  that.

* Norstarr, PO Box 5585, Pocatello, ID 83202
  Make your own explosives and fireworks. They supply everything, including
  instructions, formulae and all ingredients for explosives, smoke dyes,
  etc. Catalog is $1.

* Nova Detection Systems, 11684 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA 910604
  Need a telephone line transmitter? They sell a kit that is a very
  dangerous threat to your mark's privacy.

* Overthrow, PO Box 392, Canal Street Station, New York, NY 10013
  The official newspaper of the Youth International Party (Yippies), this
  great publication contains more truth than many straight media. I've been
  a satisfied reader for years. It's worth the price of a subscription, well
  worth it.

* PBS Livestock Drugs, 2800 Leemont Avenue, Canton, OH 44711
  If your mark may be considered livestock, you will find PBS a sweet source
  of biologicals and other veterinary drugs and products. They have a $1
  catalog with some disturbing implements and medicines for sale.

* P&K Enterprises, Box 6155, Minneapolis, MN 55406
  Their motto is "We print any messages." And they do it on bumper stickers
  for a very reasonable price. Here's where you get those rotten personal
  bumper stickers printed for your mark's car.

* P.W., 237 W. Houghton Lake Drive, Prudenville, MI 48651
  Any message printed and no minimums for this bumper-sticker business. They
  sell'em for two bucks each.

* Seton Name Plate Corp., PO Drawer DF-1331, New Haven, CT 06505
  This fine industrial firm has a huge catalog full of plastic and metal
  signs - identification products. These are stick-ons, bolt-ons, etc., and
  they look real because they are real.

* Shotgun News, PO Box 669, Hastings, NB 68901
  It's 100 percent advertising and the world's greatest single source of
  guns, knives, etc. This is the gun nut's bible. If it's destructive,
  someone will advertise it in Shotgun News.

* SME, PO Box 251, Warren, OH 44482
  Ohio must be the explosives center of the U.S. Here is yet another buckeye
  boomer offering all sorts of blow'em up goodies, smoke grenades, etc. Send
  SASE for custom specs and consulting, too.

* Ron Smith Productions, 9000 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA 90069
  This is the man with more than 500 doubles and talented impressionists for
  the celebrities of yesterday and today.

* Sooner Supply, Box 454, Lawton, OK 73502
  A handyfolk's supply of chemicals, casings and other supplies to make
  fireworks. A catalog cost you a buck.

* Trident, 2875 South Orleans, Milwaukee, WI 53227
  This is a mail-order chemical house with lots of fun stuff at fair prices.
  Send your wants and SASE.

* Walter Drake, The Drake Building, Colorado Springs, CO 80940
  This is one of those little catalogs your mother gets, full of cutesy
  gifts and novelty items for the house. It is also a Hayduker's delight...
  lots of custom-printed and speciality items useful for dealing with marks.
  It's one of my favorites.

* WASP, PO Box 5091-AB, Steamboat Springs, CO 80477
  Invest $5 in this catalog of discounted medical supplies and equipment.
  They sell all sorts of drugs, supplies, instruments and medicines at cheap
  prices.

* The Wild Geese, Postfach 1145, 6460 Gelnhausen, Federal Republic of Germany
  These folks do some publishing and some printing. They claim to be on the
  cutting edge of mercenarydom, but that may be a shill. Whatever, they
  offer some wonderful printing services, including death warrants, search
  warrants, interesting ID cards, etc.

* YS & Company, PO Box 6713, Salinas, CA 93912
  Give yourself an alibi with one of the taped sound-effect cuts on this
  company's cassettes. Great background sounds to play in the background of
  your telephone calls. I have this product - it's very useful.

* Zebra Mail Center, PO Box 11028, Houston, TX 77391
  Your mail will be confidentially received, forwarded, remailed, held, or
  whatever else you wish. The Zebra motto is "use our address as your own."
  Free details.


                                -- SPORTS --

     At last, something to replace the old balm in the jock stunt so hoary
to so many of us old sports from the scholastic locker-room wars. Yes, a tip
of the old helmet to C. B. Gunslinger for this idea.
     "I was the last guy out of the locker room after the morning practice
one day last summer, because I wanted to get back at this football animal
for some cheap hits he'd taken at me. I got his helmet off the top of his
locker and pissed in it, making sure I basted the mouthpiece heavily.
     "That afternoon, I was laughing so hard at the thought of this jerk
thinking the moisture in the own sweat that the coach gave me hell for not
being serious enough. If he only knew..." says C. B. with another big roar
of joviality.
     The moral to this story, as all coaches like morals is, "Don't get
your teammates pissed off at you."


                               -- STEREOS --

     From the storehouse of brotherly love we again welcome C. B.
Gunslinger to transmit a tip of dealing with loud stereos. He notes that his
brother and his punk friends inspired this idea.
     "I need to study or want to be alone to read and my brother and his
damn friends crank up the stereo and keep me away until 3 a.m. It happened
all too often," Gunslinger related. "I stopped that nonsense. Every time
he'd blare his stereo I'd just turn on my CB radio and key the mike a few
times. It sends a great shrill, piercing noises squealing through the stereo
speakers."
     Happiness means that the Gunslinger brothers have reached an agreement
to please all concerned. C. B. says this cooperation concept will work for
people in other apartments and houses, too.
     Remember that old college game called "Switch," favored by Greeks,
where you moved your thumb from location to location on command? Several
readers noted the idea that switching components on stereo equipment might
advance the cause of Haydukery. For example, switch capcitors and resistors,
or solder bridges between previously unjoined ports. Cut a wire at a
junction, but leave it in place mechanically. All of this fun stuff will
cost the marks lots of repair dollars.


                             -- STINK BOMBS --

     Freshly soiled diapers make great close quarter attack bombs,
according to the Hombre of Justice. He says they work great in hot weather,
especially if flung into the mark's face, food and/or drink at a day's end
or beginning. Have a nice day.
     The formulae for other stink bombs, these delightful potions, continue
to pour in. And since we really can't package Uncle Gerry's Expulsions into
a practical delivery system, we'll have to make do with the next best
devices. One of these came from Filthy McNasty and Vera.
     "It's vile, disgusting and will make strong men weep. But it works and
here's how," F&V write. "Take a small jar and break an egg into it. Stir
well, then add an equal volume of urine straight from the tap. Mix well and
leave uncapped for twenty-four hours. Then, cap it tightly and set aside for
a month.
     "After thirty days, hold your breath, open the jar and strain whatever
comes out into another container. Apply as and where needed with mirth and
guaranteed results."
     If your mark has done anything to you that requires a fishy response,
thank Tanya for the following. She says a small squid tossed somewhere into
a very warm climate will putrify in a very short time and become a vile-
smelling mess for a very long time.
     She also relates that abalone will get totally sickening if you put
into a jar of water for a week and left in the sun for another week. The
odor is "indescribable, but awful... don't get near it," she notes.


                                -- STUDS --

     Our expolitico from New England wonders how it would look if your
mark, a happily married man who'd been true the little lady always and
forever - even when they were first dating at Sam Jackass High School -
where to get a "Happy Birthday Daddy" card from out of town with the name of
another female high-school classmate on the return address? That's a long
sentence, either way you cut it.


                           -- SUCCESS STORIES --

     As I have so happily proved, Hayduking has become one of the world's
finer participant sports. More people are commercializing on the fact. In
Montgomery, Alabama, there's a firm known as Dirty Deeds and they specialize
in what they advertise as "sweet revenge." For twenty-five dollar a shot
they do such things as mail dead rats, push pies in the mark's face, deliver
dead turkeys to local politicos and award "Bitch of the Year" plaques
to... ?
     According to owners Sherrie Campbell and Cathy Capp, a pair of former
kindergarten teachers, they want to franchise the operation and go national.
"All over America, people are dying to get even with other people," they
claim.
     Don't we know it, ladies. It all started right here. And, as Uncle
George says with a knowing grin, "Lemmings must know something we don't."
     The disciples of Hayduke remain active. There are rat-a-grams, dead
flowers by mail or delivery, and I hear that George Hunter III of
Leavittown, PA, is escalating the buffoonery. For forty-five dollars, Hunter
gets nasty in a black costume, and white facial makeup, loads an old casket
with ugly dead weeds and flowers, then deliver it to the person of your
choice. "People in this country like to get back at other people. That's my
market," Hunter claims.
     True, amigo, just remember who started it all.
     The best news is that the classy practitioners are coming through with
a veneer of professionalism that will raise Haydukery to a life form
recognized along with the other classics, i.e., we might even make the
Yellow Pages one of these days. The leading hitter in the pro ranks is Dick
Smegma, action-able chief of the Revenge Squad. Dick is a prolific
contributor to these pages and as his last year's yuletime greeting card set
the tone: Merry Syphilis and a Clappy New Year!
     Many years ago when I was still flying, I used to pilot for the
local jump club. So did Palm Beach's Bob who told me a funny story about it. A
friend of his flew an old DC-3 for local jump clubbers who used to make
practical jokes a lot.
     He got back at them by sneaking his copilot into the plane secretly
before the jumpers loaded. The pilot came strolling in last and told the
guys he was flying solo that day as the copilot was ill. They told him, "No
sweat." He smiled as he closed the cabin door and prepared for takeoff.
     About five minutes into the flight, the pilot locked the cabin door
behind him as he strolled down the deck toward the open jump door. Unknown
to the jumpers, the copilot was flying the ship.
     "She's on auto pilot, guys, I guess, so have fun..." the pilot shouted
as he jumped out of the ship with his own parachute.
     The rest of the plane emptied faster and cleaner than some of the
trousers worn by the jump-team members.
     Someone in Crown Point, Indiana, used a caulking gun and liquid nails
to seal shut all 102 of the small town's parking meters, giving citizens a
big break. Although the police did charge a local carpenter, nobody said
anything one way or the other about it. In the end, they had to let him go.
No hard evidence.
     Thanks to Jeff Woiton of Dallas, I learned about a Hayduking that took
place in the cold winter of 1985. Jeff set me a clip from the Dallas Times
Herald explaining how some pranksters spilled ethyl mercaptan in the lobby
of a fancy high-rise condo. The authoroties thought it was a natural gas
leak and ordered an evacuation.


                              -- SUITCASES --

     How you handle this next nasty depends upon how subtle you want to be
or how mean. According to Travel Agent Paco, my main man from Mexico, you
simply stuff your mark's suitcase(s) with poison ivy. For maximum mental
effect, leave the vines and leaves in the suitcase until the mark finds
them. For maximum total physical effect, remove the ivy only after you have
carefully crushed it and rubbed it all around the inside of the case, being
certain that the nasty secretions from the plant go everywhere. Happy
tripping, Mark!


                             -- SUMMER CAMPS --

     Time to put away the jokes about Jason, poison ivy and Camp Crystal
Lake. I have a real question from a real contributor. He is Captain Video
and he has served a tour of duty as a camp counselor for a bunch of ten- to
sixteen-year-old kids, some of whom are really obnoxious little bastards.
Let the captain explain.
     "I have delightfully pulled some of your pranks on adults, but
hesitate to pull them on kids. Maybe some of your other readers have also
served as summer-camp counselors and would be kind enough to share some of
the devilish and nasty things they did that were suitable for deserving
little peckerheads."
     Let's hear from present and former counselors.


                             -- SUPERMARKETS --

     Filthy McNasty and lady Vera are back in the Hayduke news with some
fine updates on supermarket revenge. Here's their first dispatch.
     Either you or a friend go into the supermarket and buy a bottle of
catsup, steak, barbeque or spaghetti sauce and take it home. Open it and
insert several dead cockroaches, beetles, dead lizards, or whatever. Reseal
the bottle or jar and return it, saying that you got the wrong brand, and
exchange it, without letting the clerk look into the bottle. Some
supermarket geek will put it back on the shelf. Eventually, some customer
will buy it, and come dinner time... Back it goes with a full-blown case of
hysteria, let's hope right in front of other shoppers.
     For another stunt, walk into the market with a friend or two, making
sure you are well within earshot of as many customers as possible. Discuss
the recent outbreak of botulism poisoning that the health department has
traced to that particular market. This is especially good if the market has
a deli or hot food take-out service.
     Still talking, even though the Tylenol cyanide poisoning are old hat
now, mention how the police are looking for a copycat poisoner in the area
of the market of your choice. You can add a twist to this also. As you are
in the checkout line with a few groceries, start eating from a bag of potato
chips, cookies, or whatever that you are buying. Be sure that lots of
customers can see you. Suddenly clutch your chest, then your stomach, and
act as if you are poisoned. Make disgusting noises, and generally give the
impression that you are going to croak right there in the market. Scream
that the stuff you were eating was poisoned. A couple of accomplices whisk
you out of the store into a car to "go to the hospital emergency room." You
make a clean getaway. Improvise on this one and you can have a lot of fun.
     It's great to have my buddies back - the terror of the supermarket
cabal - Filthy McNasty and Vera. Not only are they fun folks, but they
concoct, perform and write well about funny things. This time, they are
taking an even bigger dump on the supermarkets. What set off this terrific
tirade by this terrible twosome? The daughter of a good friend was a
stockperson at a local produce pit and was the victim of extreme sexual
abuse, economic butchery and employer violence, compounded by the old-boy
network of the local newspaper, small-town officials, the courthouse crowd,
etc. You recognize the usual cesspool of small-town crap. Enter Filty and
Vera.
     Filthy said he first set himself up as a bag boy at the mark's huge
emporium of grocery grossness. It was easy. He just copped a white apron,
dressed as they dress and became a four-dollar an hour moron carrying out
folks' grocery bags. Let Filthy pick up the story.
     "After bagging a customer to the car, round up five or six empty carts
and look for a customer just entering or leaving their cage [biker lingo for
a car]. Choose an expensive set of wheels or look for people who appear to
be uptight creeps.
     "Then roll that thundering row of charts broadside into their car...
whammmmm, you know what that does to cheap car doors. The people will bitch
and yell. Tell them to bitch at the owner, the carts are his, not yours.
When they persist, tell them to screw off. When they steam off to the store,
you split."
     You might come back to the same place a week or so later and repeat
this same stunt.
     Filthy and Vera's second chapter involves you and/or your surrogate bag
boys standing outside the store or just inside the door offering straight
customers some new premiums for shopping there. Offer them acid, a joint,
some hash, a swig of scotch from your bottle, some kiddy porn, maybe even
flash someone. Be prepared to make a fast exit on this one, so control your
laughter. It's tough to run when you're hysterical.
     Filthy and Vera say this next one takes balls, but I think mostly takes
good, strong arms and fast feet. They call it "Food fight" and it becomes
obvious as you read.
     A bunch of friends, six to ten, go casually into the mark's store.
After a minute or so for all to get settled into a location (preplanning is
vital here), the leader grabs one of those PA system phones for in-store
announcements and says "Attention shoppers. (Mr./Ms. mark's name), our
manager, welcomes you to our seventh annual food fight. Participate and win
a $200 gift certificate and, remember, it's all legal and all in fun."
     With that, you shills start flinging everything they can at each other
and at the straight customers, who, hopefully, will join in. Try to throw
stuff that makes splashy messes.
     Tip over people's carts, pie them, spill food from shelves, fire spray
cans of shaving cream and whipped cream at people as you dash by. Totally
trash the place. Obviously, you and your ringleaders will wish to escape
before order is restore and blame begins to settle out of the messy chaos.
You have about ten minutes on this stunt. Who says market day had to be
boring!
     Are we having fun, gang? You bet!!!
     Let's tone down the levity for a moment and do something very subtle,
simple and effective. Locate the mark's store's silent alarm - they all have
them. Set it off or short it out. Split fast, or just continue to shop if
you were able to hit the alarm without being spotted (watch for TV cameras
and surveillance mirrors).
     Or, here's another stunt. Most markets have outdoor banners and signs
with the weekly specials advertised. Some creative editing will alter
"Ground Beef $0.89 Per Pound," or whatever the store has, to "Fresh Dog Crap
$0.49 a Pound," or "Fermented Iranian Pimples $0.15 Ea," or "Fresh Wino
Piss, $1 a Pint."
     Speaking of whom, do you know some old winos? You can probably bribe
several of them to lie down in front of the mark's market and drink their
bottles. It may repel a few customers. Also, bribe one of the winos to puke
on someone.


                               -- SWEETIES --

     My old pal LTC MAC is a devoted reader of Easy Riders and other
literature of the genre. A gentle, Christian man and former Sunday School
teacher, LTC Mac shares his fine way of bringing some new friends into your
former sweetie's life if she has proved to you that this is what she desires.
     Write some very simple, friendly letters in her name to folk
incarcerated in the nation's prisons. All sorts of cons write letter to Easy
Riders, Overthrow, The la Free Press, etc., requesting pen pals and more.
LTC MAC wants only to help everyone achieve maximum karma.
     He suggest that you no make the letters too friendly or they will
appear phony. As he notes, the idea is to entice the con to write back,
hoping he/she will be one of the nastier ones who use these ads to bait
unsuspecting marks themselves. It isn't too hard to figure this out when you
read some of the magazines. Try to avoid obviously sincere cons as a lot of
them are in prison in America and do not belong there, just as a lot of
people at the top of government and industry belong in the very worst
prisons we can find.
     Among the things you can offer the cons in your "Sweetie's" letter are
jobs, money, and sexy photos. Be sure to include a sexy - but not gross -
photo with a second letter. Second letter? Sure, write again as the real
sweetie will probably ignore the con's first response letter. It doesn't
matter whose picture you send, by the way.
     Elmer Groin's girlfriend was given the shaft by so many other guys
that her mother, a prudish divorcee, nagged the hell out of Elmer to marry
this girl. Elmer, a computer engineer, was a nice, rich nerd. But he wasn't
dumb without a sense of deviousness.
     "I set up a loud, boastful jerk at work with my soon-to-be
ex-girlfriend, without telling her. I showed him her picture and said what a
great and easy lay she was. Half of that was true, anyway," Elmer related.
     Now, comes the kicker. Elmer gave the guy the address of the girl's
mother's apartment and let him in with a key he had "borrowed" about ten
minutes before mother was due home from work. He told the guy to get
undressed and to surprise the lady, as she got all hot when surprised like
that.
     At this point, dear reader, I'll close the page on this true story so
you might fantasize the climax with your own creative imagination.
     My friendly New Jersey woodcutter, Mr. Justice, has a fun idea for
revenge involving a straying lady, although it would also work with a
husband. Her is Mr. Justice's idea.
     Recruit a trusted female friend to phone the mark's husband and say,
"Keep your wife away from my husband." Let's proceed with the heterosexual
scenario. The accomplice continues, "He swore the affair was over last year,
but I have proof they are at it again. Just keep your whoring wife away from
my man..." Stop and break into a brief bit of semi-hysteria here.
     Continuing, the accomplice also says there are photos of the couple
and that she will share them when she gets them back from the lab. When the
mark cries out, "Who is this?" The accomplice says, "I'm sure you know...
just tell your slut wife to stay away from my man." The she hangs up.
     Everyone likes to receive mail. So leave it to me to create an
exception. If you have an exsweetie who's done you rotten, go to your
favorite tabloid publication that features classified personals of a very
intimate, personal nature. Look for an ad that offers to exchange pictures
and intimate dialogue. Compose a letter form your exsweetie, getting a
friend of whatever sex to help you with the handwriting. Be inventive and
very explicit. Remember, you're writing a sales letter, i.e., soliciting. Be
sure to include a snappy photo of your ex or someone who's really sexy
looking.
     The following happened to a reader of mine. He gave his girlfriend
money toward buying her own car, bought her a ring, lots of clothes, stocked
her pantry and sprang for dinner at good restaurants at least twice a week.
Her response was to hang out in bars on his two work nights a week and let
herself get picked up by local college kids, although she swore they never
went to bed.
     He decided that since he couldn't marry her he would help her have the
wedding anyway. A printer did invitations, our hero placed the story in the
local paper complete with announcement photo of the bride. The caterer was
ordered and all was set for the date. The surrogate groom? It was an old
drunk scarffed up from a local gin mill who was paid $100 for the stunt.
     Everything clicked in place. The story/picture of the bride ran in the
local paper Friday and all the usual wedding stuff happened Saturday,
including the "groom" who showed up at both the church and at "his" bride's
home. Naturally, everything and everyone there was in a total turmoil. To
add to the fun, the "groom" was drunk as could be.
     The bride had no idea what was happening. Curious friends were
calling, the church was calling, the caterer had arrived and there was a
smelly old wino at the door insisting he was marrying the young lady of the
house.

     "Best wedding I ever planned," chuckled our triumphant reader.
     Here is an unusual, but not rare situation. Your friend's sweetie has
just done a number on him or her. For whatever reason you are among the
emotional casualties. From previous books you know all the SOP fight-backs.
Here's a little deeper tactic from Chester of the Spoon, a master of
dish-it-out deviousness.
     "When a couple breaks up, the dumpee is probably slandering the dumper
all over the place. If you, the friend, got hurt, too, keep on the pressure.
It ain't nice, but keep reminding your friend how rotten the other party is
and what wildly sexual thing the other party is likely doing now with
everyone and anyone. Nasty, yes, but it will keep the pressure and the flow
of rotten tricks on the ultimate target," says Chester.
     Little Tommie Titmouse didn't get angry when his sweet young lady was
a mite unfaithful. Indeed, this gentleman even offered to help her broaden
her services. He ambled on down to his favorite printer and got a couple
hundred index-sized business cards printed that advertised her name -
Sweetie's Unusually Erotic Massages." He also included her parents'
telephone number as she lived at home, her hours of noon until 3 a.m., one
price for all, and no tipping. He also put the Via and MasterCard logos in
the upper boarders of the card.
     The cards were posted in bars, motels, phone booths, the local airport
and bus station and in the day rooms of the local military base. If your
exsweetie lives alone, Tommie says you should print the girl's at-work
number.
     Tanya from Long Beach is one mean Hayduker. Here goes.
     "I used the gentian or methyl violet stunt on a little tease who came
on to my husband during a week-long camping trip, but only after she finally
embarrassed me publicly. I got even privately.
     "I put it into a box of expensive and intimate dusting powder, wrapped
it in fancy paper and sent it to her. Inside I included a typed personal
card telling her this was a sample of a new product from a local ritzy
store. She should enjoy it while she looked over the credit-card
applications, which I also enclosed as a part of the cover."
     Tanya reports that her friends told her this young tease's boyfriend
wore a long, unhappy face for a long time, which means the stunt struck
home.


                                 -- TAR --

     I'll never forget the expression on the face of Raymundo Diaz when he
told me, "The man with access to a bucket of tar has more power than the man
with an eighteen-inch neck in the bar-room fight." As always, Ray's
priorities are on schedule.
     It takes less time for me to tell you to obtain a bucket of roofing
tar from your nearest lumber yard that it does for you to think of ways to
use this natural weapon against your mark. Consider the thick gooey nature
of this substance and how it adheres to almost everything with the same
serious tenacity. Need references? Ask your mother, spouse or anyone else
who has had the unsuccessful frustration of attempted tar removal from
objects like clothing, car interiors, skin, hair, food, lawns, gardens,
pets, children, paintings, water systems, air conditioners, and so on and on
and on.
     Tar belongs, Haydukers. Enjoy its immoderate use.


                               -- TATTOOS --

     Tattoo fun can be contagious, as I realized when my friend Don the
Registrar showed up with one on his shoulder. He told me he got loaded
beyond control and just had it done. That got me to planning.
     Suppose you had a really mean mark who was straight in all ways except
with booze. He was a mean drunk. After you got him loaded, a custom tattoo
artist could come to the safehouse location and put just about anything your
cash would buy on that resting mark. Dozens of fresh tattoo ideas are
rushing into my mind as I create this sentence, spiling over each other to
the first in line to mess up your mark's future with his world. Do you have
any idea of the impression given by a large, gross tattoo on someone's
forehead?


                              -- TAXIDERMY --

     It's a fun time when Uncle Geroge leaves his Idaho redoubt and rolls
his customized Zapata mobile home in for a visit at Ft. Hayduke. It means
evenings of fun, drink, love 'n laughter as we rerun, over and over, the
memories of our silly youth. This last time, Uncle George had an idea to
quell the curious and, as he put it, "to piss off nearly everyone, as I've
finally found the universal disgust switch."
     Uncle George says to locate a previously living puppy or small dog,
first choice being a cocker spaniel. Your actual choice would depend upon
you, your territory, neighbors, friends, and related factors. Your next
choice is that of finding a taxidermist to mount the head and paws properly.
     "Raw, disgusted shock is what you're going for," Uncle George roared as
he explained this to me. "If you're lucky, they'll think you killed it, and
with imagination you can come up with a suitably distasteful war story of
slow, painful mayhem."
     Nurture this one well, gentle reader.


                               -- TEACHERS --

     A lot of us owe where and what we are in life to our teachers. That
though alone must piss off a whole lot of folks daily, including their
teachers. Want to have some fun with the teachers anyway? Some teachers like
to be really unresponsive to legitimate questions, during exams, for
example. Chester the Spoon says you can crack this facade by either noisily
throwing up and/or fainting during the exam period. A faked seizure also
works, as I have found out through some nefarious experience of my own.
     When he wrote to me, Mark Fedyk was a nice kid, a bright, high-school
senior. Somehow, I feel that Nelson Chunder's book matured him. Anyway, he
pulled off a grand stunt and now that the statue of limitations has expired,
i.e., he has been graduated, we can share this with you for your own use and
enjoyment.
     He worked in the school print shop where they produced complaint card
for teachers to use to communicate with the principal which students had
been naughty. Mark made up a card for a fictitious student named "Mike Hunt"
and slipped it in with some real ones.
     After some time hunting through records for this mysterious student
and finding nothing, the principal of this large school thought it must be a
new student or a transfer and that he paperwork had not yet caught up with
him. So he asked he secretary to page the student on the school's general PA
system which went into every room during the morning homeroom period. She
did. "Would Mike Hunt please report to the principal's office immediately."
     Mark says the laughter could be heard for blocks.


                         -- TELEPHONE SOLICITORS --

     At long last, a ringy dingy way to handle rude, nasty and unwanted
telephone solicitations. Thanks to Lancelot A Barward and Karen Feldman
Smith of Ft. Myers, Florida, for sharing the way. And here it is.
     Sam Sewell, a Ft. Myers resident, has dedicated himself to driving
these intrusive telephone solicitors from Flordia. As part of his battle, he
listens to the solicitation long enough to learn what company is behind it
and their address. Then, he bills them for his time. The following is the
form of letter Sam uses.


                                                           August 16, 1985

Dear telephone solicitor and electronic trespasser:

     This is to advise you that on __________ at ___________ your
representative __________________ used our leased phone line and our
telephone equipment. We lease phone line and our telephone equipment to
serve our needs. We do not want to be called by business at inconvenient
times with unwelcome propositions. Accordingly, you are hereby assessed on
a $___________ line and equipment-access fee for use of our phone. An
additional fee will be charged for all additional calls.
     Please remit promptly to Sam Sewell, Ft. Myers, Fl.
     Failure to remit promptly will result in action in small-claims court
to establish the right of a citizen to charge access fees to businesses who
use a citizen's leased and owned property. This is a well-established legal
principle and by applying it to telephone solicitors we may be able to rid
the state of Florida of a pestilence of epidemic proportions.

Access fee schedule:
Normal business hours $5
Outside business hours $10
Weekends $20

Sincerely,

Sam Sewell
(address)


     In another life, Carla Savage was a starving student who had to work
as a phone jockey to pay her bills. She gives the other side of the
telephone solicitation business, with disabled vets, blind and other
handicapped folks, struggling to make a buck. Her thought: please use an
extra margin of care before you come down on these people indiscriminately.
     But, when you do...
     Carla says they all work on a commission basis. "If you order eighteen
magazine subscriptions on Tuesday, they get their commission on Friday. If
you cancel the order the next week or refuse to pay or whatever, that
commission is then deducted from the next week's check."
     They also get hell from the boss if this happens more than a set amount
of times, like twice in a month. Neither of us had ever heard of any company
taking a customer to court over small-ticket telephone solicitation, as all
there has been is verbal agreement over the telephone. Big-ticket items
require a follow-up letter with formal agreement.
     Here's how Carla handles the bad guys. Remember, she used to work this
game, so pay attention. "When the caller is really obnoxious or calls at an
ungodly hour, I make sure I get the name of the caller, the company and the
telephone number, then listen until I get bored. I hang up and wait half an
hour.
     "I then call back and scream at whomever answers to talk to a
supervisor right now! I usually get one. I explain, doing my best to sound
the part of an hysterical middle-class housewife, that some sicko from this
company has been calling my ten-year-old son/daughter with a sales pitch for
a book or video tape on the delights of oral sex, or sodomy with farm
animals, or something like that.
     "I threaten with everything a housewife could think of, saying that my
husband is a lawyer, or some sort of police authority and will get them when
he gets home, blah, blah, blah...
     "By this time, the manager will probably ask me who made the call. You
give him/her the name of the rude solicitor who started all of this with
that inopportune telephone call. Naturally, you never give the manager your
real name. Use the name of some secondary mark."
     Another of Carla's fun ways to beat down obnoxious solicitors is to
freelance for them, without their knowing it. If you're bored and have
access to another private telephone, not your own, start calling people -
either at random or as secondary marks. Identify yourself with some sleazy
name, or the name of a tertiary mark, and say that you represent the
solicitation company that you want to burn.
     What do you sell? Carla says you can sell dildos in decorator or racial
colors. Or sell kiddy porn. Sell drugs. Sell snuff films. But have fun by
offending people in the name of this telephone solicitation firm you
dislike.


                              -- TELEPHONES --

     This scam may have already disappeared as Ma Bell's Computer Police
move in to destroy amateur phone freaks. But, as you'll be using pay
telephones, it might be worth a try.
     You want to call a good friend and talk for awhile. Send that friend
a letter setting a specific date and very specific time when your friend
will be at a pay telephone. You already have that telephone number. Or, you
can reverse the roles.
     Using fake names, place your call as a person-to-person collect call,
making it to the pay telephone number. The best time to try this is early
telephone number. The best time to try this is easily evening or on Sunday
when the operators are busy. If you hear unusual sounds, clicks, or the
words "coin check" from another voice, hang up and clear out fast.
     You can help turn Ma Bell into an even meaner mother, though, at the
expense of jerking your mark's long-distance trunk lines around. Muffle your
voice a bit, and place a collect call to to mark from some safe, out of the
way, pay telephone. Say the call is from (choose one) mom, dad, the kids,
etc. It's better if you know actual names and that the "person" doing the
calling is out of town. It's much better to have the call made from way far
away so it adds more to the mark's bill. When he or she accepts the call,
try to keep the mark on the line as long as possible. All sorts of funny and
creative planning could go into that aspect of this stunt.
     Despite advertising to the contrary, the "new" cordless telephones are
not really all that secure from outside ears. One expert, Jimmy Carter,
tells us that even cheap ham-radio receivers can pick up transmissions from
these telephones. You can listen, record and otherwise use your mark's
cordless telephone conversations to your advantage if you're in range, can
find the frequency and know how to use this illegally obtained information.
I'll leave that part of it to you recreational hamsters who enjoy electronic
sleuthery.
     If you have access to your mark's telephone when it rings and are lucky
enough to have a telephone solicitor on the line, by all means go for it.
This bit of advice came from Charlie Porker, who used to run a boiler room
of phone banks for national political candidates.
     "Most of these numbers are dialed automatically, so the sales jockey
already has the called name and number on his display screen. Keep that in
mind so you don't try to order stuff for your mark from your own phone if
the sales person calles on your own line," he advises.
     "Hopefully, the solicitation will be for something the mark has
absolutely no use for. Try to keep the order under $100, as a larger amount
is usually verified."
     This idea can be modified for an office where it is easy to use
extention telephones and not so easy to check on who has ordered what for
whom. Here is where you can use someone else's telephone to make outgoing
calls ordering several gross of imprinted pens, key chains, T-shirts, etc.
Naturally, sales companies will insist that custom-printed items be paid
for, which will continue to create fun for the mark long after the packages
have arrived. But, remember, heed Charlie's advice... don't get greedy. Keep
the order routine and on the modest side.


                   -- THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF REVENGE --

     And now, thanks to the Apostle of Revenge, Dick Smegma, I humbly
present for your persual, belief and adherence, the Ten Commandments of
Revenge. Stay faithful and you'll have a lot of yucks without the heartbreak
of being caught.

1. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST, NOR CONFIDE IN, ANYONE!

If you do, that person could eventually betray you. Even if it is a relative
or spouse, don't tell them what you are up to. Implicated accomplices are
OK.

2. THOU SHALT NEVER USE THINE OWN TELEPHONE FOR REVENGE BUSINESS!

Always use a public telephone, or an unwitting mark's, so calls cannot be
traced back to you, or someone who knows you.

3. THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH REVENGE DOCUMENTS WITH THY BARE HANDS!

Bare hands leave fingerprints! Wear gloves.

4. THOU SHALT BECOME A GARBAGE COLLECTOR!

Once your victim places garbage outside his home/office for pickup, it is
100 percent legal for you to pick it up yourself. You can learn about your
victim by sifting through his trash. The pros do it all the time.

5. THOU SHALT BIDE THY TIME BEFORE ACTIVATING A REVENGE PLOT!

Give the victim time to forget about your and what he has done to wrong you.
Getting even too quickly makes it easier for him to discover who is doing
it!

6. THOU SHALT SECURE A "MAIL DROP" ADDRESS IN ANOTHER CITY!

You don't want revenge mail being traced back to your residence/town, do
you?

7. THOU SHALT LEARN EVERYTHING THERE IS TO LEARN ABOUT THY VICTIM!

The best revenge schemes/plans are hatched by people who know their victim
better than their victim does.

8. THOU SHALT PAY CASH ALL THE TIME IN A REVENGE PLOT!

Checks, money orders, etc., can be traced back to you. Cash cannot!

9. THOU SHALT TRADE WITH MERCHANTS WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD OF YOU!

Do business with people only once when involved in a revenge plot. Possibly
wear a disguise so they will have trouble identifying you in a legal
confrontation.

10. THOU SHALT NEVER THREATEN THY INTENDED VICTIM!

Why warn your intended victim that you are going to get even? When bad
things begin to happen to your victim, whether or not you caused them, your
victim will remember your threat, and he'll set out to even the score with
you.


                               -- THEATERS --

     Are you bothered by tall people sitting in front of you at concerts or
films? Here is an easy cure. Either bring to the theater or fill in the
theater restroom, a twelve- to sixteen-ounce container of water. Pour it
slowly on the seat in front of you. Nobody will want to stay in a wet seat.
Caution: You might warn people before they sit down in front of you that
others tried to sit there earlier, but the seat(s) is(are) wet.
     If you hate the theater having cause to get back at the management,
substitute some kind of glue, rubber cement, corn syrup, or something else
gooey for water. Again, be kind, warn the potential sitters first. If it's
your lucky day, maybe they will be obnoxious jerks who will tell you to mind
your own business and sit down anyway.


                                -- TIRES --

     The Greasy Mechanic suggest that if you want to hurt your mark in
his/her ride that you pay attention to the tires. New radial tires are
designed to roll in only one direction. So, switch sides and get the tires
running in the opposite direction. As Mark Hastings adds, "This action will
make the tires squirm and shimmy worse than a hyperactive four-year-old at a
long wedding."


                            -- TOILET TISSUE --

     Oliver Snot is one of the cleanest people I know. He is also one of
the most frugal. That's why he tries to recycle everything, including
noseblown tissues.
     "I dry it and refold it so someone else can use it again," Oliver
says. "If I don't like the next user, I try to fold it with the big boogers
and lungers still in there, when I replace the tissue in the mark's
container."
     Can you imagine recycled tissue paper being really desirable for use?
If so, how do you feel about previously used toilet paper?



                               -- TOILETS --

     There must be a lot of cement merchants and plumbers in cahoots in our
great nation. During talk shows and in my mail bag, I have about a dozen
accounts of cementing a toilet. Here's a summary.
     Turn off the water supply to the toilet, flush it, then flush it once
more. The tank or bowl will not refill, obviously. Fill up the bowl with wet
cement and trowel it level before you close the lid. As an added sentiment,
you might use your finger to spell some rude, scatalogical message to your
mark.


                                -- TRAVEL --

     A lot of my domestic travel time is in those areas of the country
where cops play speed trap with crooked technology and old boy magistrates.
That's why I enjoyed hearing Gary's story about adding an aluminum storage
tank and electric pump in the trunk of his souped-up car, along with a hose
aimed out the back.
     "I filled the tank system with sulphur dioxide. Then I got the old
bully boy fuzz on my tail in his pathetic Dodge patrol car and led him out
of town in a mini-chase. I opened up on him at about fifty feet and engulfed
him in this could of foggy gas. He ran clear off the road and dumped his car
assend into a swamp."
     This gas burns and chokes a person, obviously messing up his vision.
Gary said he picked an area where no real harm could come to the officer and
fired his blast before they got up to any unsafe speed.
     Of course, as Richard Stone points out so cogently, "Where there is no
patrol car there is no speed limit."
     Moving from the highway to one of the great travelers of the world,
the late LuLu McManmon, sister of might Bruno, used to say "if you're going
to travel on the Titanic you might as well go first class." She had this
great idea for motels, tour-ships staterooms and other habitats of the
ill-treated tourist. She used to do this to expensive dumps that went out of
their way to make her stay miserable.
     "I always think positively so I though misery might like company,"
LuLu told me once. "You know how these places store extra soap and towels in
the closet? I used to carefully unwrap the soap, stick a bunch of my
tight'n'curlies [aka pubic hairs] on the soap, wrap it back up and replace
it in storage for the next guest."
     Yeah, LuLu, I bet that made a big hit with the management when the
next guest called to raise hell about the short hairs on his soap.
     More hijinks from the Skull, only this time the fun happens before the
mark gets off the ground. Skulls says to make a piece of metal or foil into
the shape of a gun or nasty looking dagger and then slip it into your mark's
carry-on airline luggage.
     "This really works well because the piece of metal or foil is really
thin," says Skull. "You can put it between folded clothes in a briefcase
between photographs or pages in a book. There are dozens of hiding places
where it will not be easily found, except by the airport metal detector or
X-ray machine."
     Always be on the lookout for double fun by also sticking a very small
plastic bag of white powder in the mark's bag or pocket.


                               -- TV SETS --

     There is an afterlife for the older cordless telephones so
thoughtlessly assigned to the dump by the planned obsolescence of Japanese
technology and American marketing. According to Lindley Cajones, these older
models, generally pre-1983 units, really mess up TV reception within 500 to
600 feet of being used. Think about that... a portable TV thumper right
there in your hand.


                             -- TYPEWRITERS --

     I have associates within the FBI who tells me to be careful of using
your own typewriter for doing nasty mail using other people's names and
addresses. Despite a lot of screw-ups in the FBI, their lab folks are sharp
and can pretty well ID individual machines among mass-production runs of IBM
typewriters.
     The answer is either to use coin typewriter from a public library in
another town, as I suggested in my first book, or to rent one from an office
equipment store. Buy your own typing ball from another store and use it on
the rental. Replace the rental ball when you take the machine back. "To be
warned is to be wise," and this comes from the FBI.
     By the way, I assume you've watched enough detective shows on TV to
know to use rubber gloves when handling paper and envelopes that are going
to a mark. You just can't be too careful about fingerprints these days.


                              -- UNDERARMS --

     There are many unfortunates who suffer from chronic underarm radiance,
or as it's known in better clinics, armpit stench. A sensitive person has
only to shop among the huddled masses at any less than urban mall or
supermarket on a weekend to appreciate this offense.
     I propose a solution.
     If your mark is one who suffers from this problem, a few gentle hints
from an interested other party (spouse, friend, business associate, etc.) to
use a powder deodorant will set up the next stage. Before going on, let's
toss a hearty thanks to the ankle biters of Aunt Nancy's Nursery School for
the remainder of this old factory operation.
     When the mark has been set up to the point of using the deodorant
powder on a regular basis, you replace the top layer of that nice, gentle
odor suppressant with 1) yeast powder, 2) wallpaper paste, 3) or something
else along these same tacky lines.
     Actually, it's an idea fit for a Brut.


                               -- UNWASHED --

     You've worked with or shopped near someone who hasn't been near
bathwater and soap for a week. In France, of course, it's their way of life.
But, in a civilized country that is just not done. Rick from Denver has a
suggestion.
     "This guy at work rarely bathed. Seriously, you could not stand to be
within five feet of him for very long. He stunk. No amount of subtle hinting
worked," Rick relates.
     "I bought a piece of raw chicken at the store and taped it under his
desk out of the way. The other three of us in the office acted like nothing
was wrong and went about our business.
     "He must have found it over the weekend, because it was gone Monday
and so was his own odor. We never had any problem after that."


                              -- UTILITIES --

     You've not doubt heard the expression, "Hold your water." Mark
Hastings, a POW in Yuppieland, cements this pledge with good old-fashioned
fervor. In his neighborhood, the water meters are shut-off valves are
located
out from the homes at the edge of the road. The controls are covered with
metal lids and are in holes a foot or so deep.
      Mark needed to pay back at a nasty neighbor who had violated his
rights and property and had the money to get away with it. Mark bought 160
pounds of concrete mix for $6.20. He shut off the neighbor's water vale,
then filled the hole with the 160 pounds of quick-drying concrete one night.
     "You would not believe the size of the hole the utility company had to
dig in this guy's lawn to get his water service restored. The crew foreman
gave him hell and the company billed him for the work," Mark reports.


                           -- VENEREAL DISEASE --

     Choose the sex of your caller carefully, but our old friend Bullet the
Hemorrhoid says to call a local VD hotline or other health clinic and in
really coy fashion explain that you think you've infected (mark's name) with
a (be specific) strain of venereal disease. The name you use to report will
not be important unless you make it too silly for credibility. Don't. You
want the authorities to contact your mark.


                                -- VIDEO --

     Did you ever want to make a "snuff film"? These movies or videos are
really sick fantasies in which one or more of the stars is murdered,
supposedly for real, usually while in the midst of or directly after some
sexual act. In all my worldly travels and those of my associates, I have
never seen any such film/videos outside of the news shown on television.
Snuff films are just carefully done staging... fake all the way.
     But that doesn't mean you can't do it, sort of.
     Some very trusted friends who have experience with the video industry
could help you. But I cannot stress the word "trust" enough. The idea is to
make a tape using an actor or actress who is a dead ringer for your mark.
The scenario from there is up to you:
     * Mark as snuffer
     * Mark as snuffee
     * Mark as director/financier of snuff.
     Another twist is to make a really scuzzy porno film with an actor/
actress that looks like your mark.


                                 -- WINE --

     The husband had spent twenty years painstakingly assembling one of the
finest wine cellars in the Midwest. After six nasty months of divorce
proceedings, the wife ended up owning the house and everything in it. The
first time she went downstairs to fetch a bottle of '59 Lafite-Rothschild,
she discovered that the labels had been soaked off every bottle, the lead
foil peeled from every cork and all the bottles mixed up so that no two
identical ones were in the same rack.


                            -- WOMEN BEATERS --

     I agree with Carla Savage that these scumbag beasts are right on the
top of the list with child molestors when it comes time to hit back. But for
this generic nastiness, according to Carla, your mark in this matter really
doesn't have to be a full-time wife beater, any deserving jerk will do.
     "Call the local shelter for bettered women, usually late on a Friday
or Saturday night as those seem to be prime hours when these creeps have to
reassert their flagging masculinity by having a bunch of drinks and then
knocking the old lady around," Carla says.
     "Have a male friend do the talking. Have him sound a bit drunk, very
surly and very foul-mouthed. Ask for the mark's wife or girlfriend by name.
Mention the mark's name a lot, too, as it is 'him' making the call.
     "Insist the attendant is laying if he or she tells you that the woman
is not there or refuses to give out any information. That's SOP. Tell the
attendant to put her on the phone or you'll come down there and forcefully
take her home your own way.
     "Get really nasty. Get sexist beyond the lunatic fringe. Threaten to
torch the place. Threaten to rape everyone there. Make lesbian charges.
Laugh when the attendant says he/she will call the police. Tell them you
have an axe and explosives. Get angry and loud. Keep mentioning the mark's
name and that of his wife or girlfriend. Suddenly hang up."
     Carla says to wait about fifteen minutes and have your friend call
back. Have your friend sound all sweetness and light. He can't apologize
enough. Have him cry a little. She says these jerks run in patterns like
this. The idea is to make a very realistic performance. Accept the telephone
counseling for a few minutes, then gradually get a bit more militant about a
man's right and that "even if you love (her name) a lot, she lies, etc."
Build into that insulting, threatening rage again.
     If your male friend is a good enough actor and you do a bit of research
beforehand, Carla bets you can have the police at the mark's home with the
second call outburst. Most shelters tape their calls, so keep that in mind,
regarding what your male friend says and who your male friend is, i.e., pick
someone who is not from the area.
     Carla had to use this stunt on one of her exboyfriends who liked to
beat up girls. She said it worked all the way, as outlined. She later found
out the boyfriend spent a little time in the slam before his true alibi
stood up. But you can bet your last dollar that the cops kept his name on a
list. I know cops.
     As a final comment, Carla asks that you save this plan for a last-ditch
effort unless your local shelter has several telephone lines or uses
volunteers with phone-forwarding services. She says, "Don't tie up their
phone lines so that a truly legitimate emergency can't get through. Treat
these numbers with the same respect you would 911."


                               -- ZIPPERS --

     Chester the Spoon claims that liquid solder really messes up zippers.
This tidbit of information is useful whether or not the mark is wearing
clothing. This knowledge could be applied as well to a closed tent,
imprisoning the campers. There are all sorts of uses for this plan. Thanks,
Chester. Keep a zip upper lip!


                         -- ZOWIE, THE LAST WORD --

     You should always have the last word, as long as I am guaranteed the
last action. I would like to do another book and if you have any ideas,
suggestions, stunts or tricks to share, please write and tell me all about
them. Write to George Hayduke, PO Box 1307, Boulder, CO 80306. If you
include a return address, I will write back personally. Also, please let me
know what pen name you want me to use if I include your stunt in the next
book, or, if you wish, I can use your real name. I don't know about you, but
this stuff is true fun for me, so let's share the laughs. Write. Please? Or
else!



                             AN UNUSUAL REQUEST

     We've had curry, soups, ceremonies, mail order and sexual stunts
involving roadkill. I guess a book is not out of the question. There is a
graduate student named Dementia Dermaptera who is doing a book of roadkill
photos.
     "I ask your readers to take their cameras on the roadways of our world
and photograph the roadkill. Then, send the photos to me and I will make a
book of these photos. Each photographer will be credited with his pictured
roadkill and the book will be published. I see this as a unique research
effort," says Dermaptera.
     Send your roadkill photos to: Dementia Dermaptera, PO Box 1307,
Boulder, CO 80306. This coffee-table book will be out in better shops
everywhere, soon.

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