293 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
293 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
Article 88 of rec.humor.funny:
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Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!uunet!attcan!looking!funny-request
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From: obrien@aero.UUCP
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places
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Keywords: long, funny
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Message-ID: <2844@looking.UUCP>
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Date: 1 Mar 89 11:30:05 GMT
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Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
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Lines: 277
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Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
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Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!pyramid!verdix!ogccse!tektronix!aerospace.aero.org!sequent!aero!obrien
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( I've never heard of the "WAR_STORIES" notefile; if you want to get
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back to the original author you'll have to go through "haroldh@think.com".
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I'm enclosing everything just as it reached me.)
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Mike O'Brien
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The Aerospace Corporation
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=============
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Subj: Just extracted this from the WAR_STORIES notefile. Long but amusing.
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VAXen, my children, just don't belong some places. In
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my business, I am frequently called by small sites
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and startups having VAX problems. So when a friend of
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mine in an Extremely Large Financial Institution
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(ELFI) called me one day to ask for help, I was
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intrigued because this outfit is a really major VAX
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user - they have several large herds of VAXen - and
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plenty of sharp VAXherds to take care of them.
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So I went to see what sort of an ELFI mess they had
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gotten into. It seems they had shoved a small 750
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with two RA60's running a single application, PC
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style, into a data center with two IBM 3090's and
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just about all the rest of the disk drives in the
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world. The computer room was so big it had three
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street addresses. The operators had only IBM
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experience and, to quote my friend, they were having
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"a little trouble adjusting to the VAX", were a bit
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hostile towards it and probably needed some help with
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system management. Hmmm, Hostility... Sigh.
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Well, I thought it was pretty ridiculous for an
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outfit with all that VAX muscle elsewhere to isolate
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a dinky old 750 in their Big Blue Country, and said
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so bluntly. But my friend patiently explained that
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although small, it was an "extremely sensitive and
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confidential application." It seems that the 750 had
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originally been properly clustered with the rest of a
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herd and in the care of one of their best VAXherds.
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But the trouble started when the Chief User went to
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visit his computer and its VAXherd.
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He came away visibly disturbed and immediately
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complained to the ELFI's Director of Data Processing
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that, "There are some very strange people in there
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with the computers." Now since this user person was
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the Comptroller of this Extremely Large Financial
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Institution, the 750 had been promptly hustled over
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to the IBM data center which the Comptroller said,
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"was a more suitable place." The people there wore
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shirts and ties and didn't wear head bands or cowboy
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hats.
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So my friend introduced me to the Comptroller, who
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turned out to be five feet tall, 85 and a former
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gnome of Zurich. He had a young apprentice gnome who
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was about 65. The two gnomes interviewed me in
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whispers for about an hour before they decided my
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modes of dress and speech were suitable for managing
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their system and I got the assignment.
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There was some confusion, understandably, when I
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explained that I would immediately establish a
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procedure for nightly backups. The senior gnome
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seemed to think I was going to put the computer in
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reverse, but the apprentice's son had an IBM PC and
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he quickly whispered that "backup" meant making a
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copy of a program borrowed from a friend and why was
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I doing that? Sigh.
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I was shortly introduced to the manager of the IBM
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data center, who greeted me with joy and anything but
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hostility. And the operators really weren't hostile -
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it just seemed that way. It's like the driver of a
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Mack 18 wheeler, with a condo behind the cab, who was
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doing 75 when he ran over a moped doing it's best to
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get away at 45. He explained sadly, "I really warn't
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mad at mopeds but to keep from runnin' over that'n,
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I'da had to slow down or change lanes!"
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Now the only operation they had figured out how to do
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on the 750 was reboot it. This was their universal
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cure for any and all problems. After all it works on
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a PC, why not a VAX? Was there a difference? Sigh.
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But I smiled and said, "No sweat, I'll train you.
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The first command you learn is HELP" and proceeded to
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type it in on the console terminal. So the data
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center manager, the shift supervisor and the eight
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day operators watched the LA100 buzz out the usual
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introductory text. When it finished they turned to
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me with expectant faces and I said in an avuncular
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manner, "This is your most important command!"
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The shift supervisor stepped forward and studied the
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text for about a minute. He then turned with a very
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puzzled expression on his face and asked, "What do
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you use it for?" Sigh.
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Well, I tried everything. I trained and I put the
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doc set on shelves by the 750 and I wrote a special
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40 page doc set and then a four page doc set. I
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designed all kinds of command files to make complex
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operations into simple foreign commands and I taped a
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list of these simplified commands to the top of the
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VAX. The most successful move was adding my home
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phone number.
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The cheat sheets taped on the top of the CPU cabinet
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needed continual maintenance, however. It seems the
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VAX was in the quietest part of the data center, over
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behind the scratch tape racks. The operators ate
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lunch on the CPU cabinet and the sheets quickly
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became coated with pizza drippings, etc.
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But still the most used solution to hangups was a
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reboot and I gradually got things organized so that
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during the day when the gnomes were using the system,
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the operators didn't have to touch it. This smoothed
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things out a lot.
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Meanwhile, the data center was getting new TV
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security cameras, a halon gas fire extinguisher
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system and an immortal power source. The data center
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manager apologized because the VAX had not been
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foreseen in the plan and so could not be connected to
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immortal power. The VAX and I felt a little rejected
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but I made sure that booting on power recovery was
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working right. At least it would get going again
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quickly when power came back.
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Anyway, as a consolation prize, the data center
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manager said he would have one of the security
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cameras adjusted to cover the VAX. I thought to
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myself, "Great, now we can have 24 hour video tapes
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of the operators eating Chinese takeout on the CPU."
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I resolved to get a piece of plastic to cover the
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cheat sheets.
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One day, the apprentice gnome called to whisper that
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the senior was going to give an extremely important
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demonstration. Now I must explain that what the 750
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was really doing was holding our National Debt. The
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Reagan administration had decided to privatize it and
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had quietly put it out for bid. My Extreme Large
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Financial Institution had won the bid for it and was,
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as ELFI's are wont to do, making an absolute bundle
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on the float.
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On Monday the Comptroller was going to demonstrate to
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the board of directors how he could move a trillion
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dollars from Switzerland to the Bahamas. The
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apprentice whispered, "Would you please look in on
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our computer? I'm sure everything will be fine, sir,
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but we will feel better if you are present. I'm sure
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you understand?" I did.
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Monday morning, I got there about five hours before
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the scheduled demo to check things over. Everything
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was cool. I was chatting with the shift supervisor
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and about to go upstairs to the Comptroller's office.
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Suddenly there was a power failure.
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The emergency lighting came on and the immortal power
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system took over the load of the IBM 3090's. They
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continued smoothly, but of course the VAX, still on
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city power, died. Everyone smiled and the dead 750
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was no big deal because it was 7 AM and gnomes don't
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work before 10 AM. I began worrying about whether I
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could beg some immortal power from the data center
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manager in case this was a long outage.
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Immortal power in this system comes from storage
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batteries for the first five minutes of an outage.
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Promptly at one minute into the outage we hear the
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gas turbine powered generator in the sub-basement
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under us automatically start up getting ready to take
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the load on the fifth minute. We all beam at each
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other.
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At two minutes into the outage we hear the whine of
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the backup gas turbine generator starting. The 3090's
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and all those disk drives are doing just fine.
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Business as usual. The VAX is dead as a door nail but
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what the hell.
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At precisely five minutes into the outage, just as
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the gas turbine is taking the load, city power comes
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back on and the immortal power source commits
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suicide. Actually it was a double murder and suicide
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because it took both 3090's with it.
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So now the whole data center was dead, sort of. The
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fire alarm system had it's own battery backup and was
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still alive. The lead acid storage batteries of the
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immortal power system had been discharging at a
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furious rate keeping all those big blue boxes running
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and there was a significant amount of sulfuric acid
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vapor. Nothing actually caught fire but the smoke
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detectors were convinced it had.
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The fire alarm klaxon went off and the siren warning
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of imminent halon gas release was screaming. We
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started to panic but the data center manager shouted
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over the din, "Don't worry, the halon system failed
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its acceptance test last week. It's disabled and
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nothing will happen."
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He was half right, the primary halon system indeed
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failed to discharge. But the secondary halon system
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observed that the primary had conked and instantly
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did its duty, which was to deal with Dire Disasters.
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It had twice the capacity and six times the discharge
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rate.
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Now the ear splitting gas discharge under the raised
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floor was so massive and fast, it blew about half of
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the floor tiles up out of their framework. It came up
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through the floor into a communications rack and blew
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the cover panels off, decking an operator. Looking
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out across that vast computer room, we could see the
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air shimmering as the halon mixed with it.
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We stampeded for exits to the dying whine of 175 IBM
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disks. As I was escaping I glanced back at the VAX,
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on city power, and noticed the usual flickering of
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the unit select light on its system disk indicating
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it was happily rebooting.
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Twelve firemen with air tanks and axes invaded. There
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were frantic phone calls to the local IBM Field
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Service office because both the live and backup
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3090's were down. About twenty minutes later,
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seventeen IBM CEs arrived with dozens of boxes and,
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so help me, a barrel. It seems they knew what to
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expect when an immortal power source commits murder.
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In the midst of absolute pandemonium, I crept off to
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the gnome office and logged on. After extensive
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checking it was clear that everything was just fine
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with the VAX and I began to calm down. I called the
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data center manager's office to tell him the good
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news. His secretary answered with, "He isn't expected
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to be available for some time. May I take a
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message?" I left a slightly smug note to the effect
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that, unlike some other computers, the VAX was intact
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and functioning normally.
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Several hours later, the gnome was whispering his way
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into a demonstration of how to flick a trillion
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dollars from country 2 to country 5. He was just
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coming to the tricky part, where the money had been
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withdrawn from Switzerland but not yet deposited in
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the Bahamas. He was proceeding very slowly and the
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directors were spellbound. I decided I had better
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check up on the data center.
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Most of the floor tiles were back in place. IBM had
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resurrected one of the 3090's and was running tests.
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What looked like a bucket brigade was working on the
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other one. The communication rack was still naked and
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a fireman was standing guard over the immortal power
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corpse. Life was returning to normal, but the Big
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Blue Country crew was still pretty shaky.
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Smiling proudly, I headed back toward the triumphant
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VAX behind the tape racks where one of the operators
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was eating a plump jelly bun on the 750 CPU. He saw
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me coming, turned pale and screamed to the shift
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supervisor, "Oh my God, we forgot about the VAX!"
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Then, before I could open my mouth, he rebooted it.
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It was Monday, 19-Oct-1987. VAXen, my children, just
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don't belong some places.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
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