243 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
243 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Real DOS User's Guide
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ver. 1.0
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by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
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December 3, 2000
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Introduction
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It's the year 2000 (soon 2001). 5 years ago MicroSlot came out with a
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'revolutionary' OS: Win95. Most people have moved from DOS to Win and
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some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
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stop a REAL DOS user.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Real DOS users
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Real DOS users are older than 15 years
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Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users
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Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he/she has other
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OS' on the HD)
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Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
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Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
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rid of the 1 minute delay by booting
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Real DOS users can program
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Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
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was started by Norton Commander
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Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
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Corollary: they find that DOS Navigator is over-bloated
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Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE runs under it
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Corollary: real DOS users own the DOS version but find that it lacks some
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features
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Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
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be done under DOS
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Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving
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Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
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Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for archiving then he/she definitely
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ain't a real DOS user
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Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
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Real DOS users don't load their mouse driver from CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT
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Corollary: they load it only when they are about to run one of those weak
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programs
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Corollary to the corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the
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annoying mouse cursor when it's not currently needed
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Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
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Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs
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Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
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QEMM
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Real DOS users like the real mode
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Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM instead of QEMM
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Corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user knows German
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Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
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Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are
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Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
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Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP
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Corollary to the corollary: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
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Corollary to the corollary to the corollary: a real DOS user can use every
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piece of software there is no matter what language it's in
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Real DOS users love COM format
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Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB
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Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
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Corollary: they have most of their stuff on CDs
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Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is
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Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it
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Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
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Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes
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Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMM when there's XMS
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Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
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extender
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Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
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from AT Performance
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Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist
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Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
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Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 29 seconds
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Corollary to the corollary: they jump from joy if it takes only 20 seconds
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Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
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Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of viruses
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Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't
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set the booting sequence
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Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
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Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
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Corollary to the corollary: they rather not distribute their programs under it
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Real DOS users have the latest version of PGPi
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Corollary: they know where to get it
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Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software
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Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20
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Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][
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Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD
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Real DOS users think that Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM and others)
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are only good for virus spreading
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Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
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Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
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be shot
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Real DOS users use TurboCopy
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Real DOS users use DG or TR for debugging
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Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
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Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
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Real DOS users don't use backup programs
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Corollary: they like to live dangerously
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Corollary 2: they have had at least two HD crashes
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Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz which
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has a MDA monitor
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Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
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Corollary of the corollary: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore
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Real DOS users have at least two computers
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Real DOS users always have some project going
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Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
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Real DOS users like textfiles
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Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case
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Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
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files
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Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC
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Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware
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DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites
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Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
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Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy
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Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies
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Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
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Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
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Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps
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Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
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alternative to DOS
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Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
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some badly working CD
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Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is
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Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Crist
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Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
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Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because HiRAM won't work
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with others
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Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing
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Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline
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Real DOS users know assembly
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Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing
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Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of
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1 byte
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Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
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is
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Real DOS users have a COVOX
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Corollary: they didn't build it themselves
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Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
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Real DOS users know about most of their files what those are exactly good for
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Real DOS users love ASCII art
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Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
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screen
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Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect
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Real DOS users have at least 600kB free base memory after loading everything
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Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS
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Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS
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Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
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3kB memory
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Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
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DOS 2.0
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Real DOS users know that DOS will never die
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Conclusion
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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If you're lucky (or unfortunate) enough you'll meet a real DOS user one day.
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Hope that day comes soon. Or are afraid of that.
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