275 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
275 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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SOCIAL OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NETWORK LUSERS
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A General TXT on My Personal Gleanings
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and Experience with Network Neophytes
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and the Everyday Joe/Jane "luser".
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information,which is proof
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against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep us in everlasting
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ignorance............that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
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Herbert Spencer
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BY: F A R T B L O S S O M
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Sept. 8, 2004
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;)_
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To quote a saying by the infamous Bastard Operator from Hell, "They never
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learn." No statement written about network lusers has ever rung more true
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than that simple phrase. People simply do not learn, they do not want to
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learn, they fight the process and the more one tries to enforce learning or
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encourage learning, more and more resistance is met.
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Example from the open road: A guy pulls out in front of a truck after
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running a red light and narrowly misses getting hit. Two weeks later at
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the same intersection he pulls the same stunt. I have seen this scenario
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repeated over and over right in front of my house, at the local K-Mart
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red light, and on main street in the local town at the busiest inter-
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section in the entire city. Same cars same people same scenario and
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they never learn.
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The only time they get the hint is when luck runs out and they end up
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in the hospital or dead. Like Mother used to say of my dear sister,
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"She won't believe I will whip her until she feels the sting of the
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switch." And usually when they get the hint, if the live through the
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accident they have the fucking audacity to sue the person who hit them
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even though it wasn't the other person's fault.
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I write this from the (albeit biased) standpoint and position of veteran
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sysad for numerous WAN/LAN's for about 8 years. This is what I do, how
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I make my money and suffice it to say dealing with end users has caused
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no small amount of stress in my life over the years.
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When I first began this task of luser management, along with workstation
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break/fix and WAN/LAN sysad duties back in early 1995 I kept having the
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feeling that I was being left behind. I didn't know much about computers
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or networking back then, so I maintained a constant effort over the years
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to learn all I could about my newly acquired craft. When I finally began
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managing my own systems as senior IT I finally got appreciation for the
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oft repeated phrase, "In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king."
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When I, the humble meek computer geek fizzled onto the sysad scene
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I discovered a profound truth. I KNOW MORE THAN THEY DO. I was stunned
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that all of the talented degreed and credentialed folks I was serving as
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sysad for knew ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING about computers and eight years
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later the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE STILL DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS.
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THAT SIMPLE FACT ABSOLUTELY FLOODED AND FLOORED MY SIMPLE HICK MIND AT THE TIME! How could I know more than someone with a PhD when I barely made
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it through the 12th grade?
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They dont want to know about computers, they want it all done for them
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since they are too fucking stupid and lazy to learn something new. This
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is not only referring to older lusers, but the young ones as well. They
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churn them out of the big industry mechanism stupid. The college kids
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exist to make a professor smile, so they can get an A. Don't think for
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yourself, think the way I tell you and I smile on your Doctorate.
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"Madness," as biblical King Solomon might say as the Preacher, all is madness."
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------- topic switches abruptly ------------------------------------------
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I can't tell you the number of times I get blamed for walking past a server
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room and when the power cycles I get bitched at because it must've been
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something I did. After all I was in the area. And I am an asshole in
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their eyes, therefore it isn't the fault of the power company, since I
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have all these fucking magical TCP/IP wizard telepathy powers I control
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the fucking power grid.
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I hate stereotypes.
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(A quick sidenote, I often mention to my wife that this is what racial discrimination must feel like. It sucks to be on the shitty end of a preconcieved notion.) Or as Frank Zappa might say, it is called
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"SMELLING THE GLOVE."
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About my assistant, she is an excellent pc tech and is wonderful with
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the dear lusers whereas I usually come across as a dickhead or asshole
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to them. I don't know why since I try like hell to be nice, I guess they
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can't handle a non-degreed ex-vet bossing their superior padded PHD
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asses around in the computer arena. Alas that is the corporate curse of
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the humble yet knowlegeable sysad. You know more than they do therefore
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you are an asshole.
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I cite examples of ineptitude:
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1. Most people I work with don't know how to create an icon in Windows.
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2. Most people choose passwords like this:
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baby daddy baseball triplets (their initials) (their birthday)
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3. Most lusers have a memory as long as my dick.
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4. Most lusers put passwords in desk drawers, under mousepads and my
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personal favorite, they WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING MONITOR ON A DAMN
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STICKY NOTE. So much for network security.
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5. Most lusers refer to Windows 97 as their operating system or Microsoft
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as their operating system when asked.
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6. Most lusers can't differentiate between physical RAM and a hard drive.
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Example: How much memory do I have? Can I get rid of some of it to
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free up space on my machine?
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7. Most lusers can barely operate MS Word
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8. The most frequent question I am asked on initial PC orientation of
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new employees is, "What's a URL?"
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9. The next question I get, even though I manage over 1000 nodes, 20
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WAN links and over 5000 users is, "Do you read our email?"
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FUCK NO I DON'T READ YOUR EMAIL. DON'T FLATTER YOUR LITTLE SELF. I HAVE
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SO MUCH WORK TO DO SUPPORTING YOUR CONSTANT DESTRUCTION OF MY PC'S THAT
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I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ MY OWN EMAIL.
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10.I have once watched a former sysad friend of mine convince a lady
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who was a veteran computer trainer that her problem was leaking
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packets. He actually had her on the floor looking for packets that
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fell out of her laptop connector and out of the wall jack, NO SHIT!
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I almost pissed myself I laughed so hard. And this lady was teaching
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other employees! Isn't that novel? The Bible tells us "if the blind
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lead the blind, both fall into the ditch."
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11.My favorite bitch of all: "Do you do computer work on the side?"
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Read this to mean, "I want my pc/modem/monitor/hard drive/data/mouse/
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keyboard/floppy/scanner/printer fixed absolutely free because after
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all I want something for nothing and you must give it to me because
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I am a luser and can tattletale to the boss that you are mean."
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(If I have to fix one more Packard Bell Legend, one more shitty ass
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Hp Pavillion I am going to go ballistic on somebody!!!!!!)
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So you might ask what is the point of this article. Mainly I wanted to
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vent and since I am such an asshole (I am really not, ask my wife) I
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have no other folks to vent to. You might also ask, "If you hate the
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lusers so much why do you keep staying there?" Good question. This
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seems to be the best place for me to further my career.
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I have excellent access to the latest and greatest technology.
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Plus its hard to find a job in this recessive economic downturn. All
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of the sysads are being axed for cheaper prices in India.
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It seems everyone wants a degreed sysad and I don't have one. While
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most were busy going to college and fucking their sweethearts and playing
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at being a man, I was busy serving my country during Desert Storm in the
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good old US MILITARY. So I don't have a fucking degree, looks like I am
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stuck here until someone feels sorry for me. :( I, just as the simple
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little lusers I faithfully and dutifully serve, have a wife and home
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and bills and I have to eat too.
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The main point I wanted to get to is this. Most people are sheep. Just
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like Jesus said in the Bible, "All like sheep have gone astray." True
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and even I have done some dumb stuff in my life. But I try like hell to
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learn and not repeat mistakes. Your average Joe and Jane luser does not.
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First, they hate the machine. They resent it. They fear it and all who
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come in defense of the PC. They don't want it. Management forces them
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to use it and won't have it any other way. The luser has bills to pay
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and kids and a husband or wife at home to take care of, therefore the
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machine is a hated entity because it is forced upon them. True enough.
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They are hereby stuck in a hard position.
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They hate technology but are forced to use it, the economy won't let them
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leave for a better job, their home life probably sucks ass, therefore
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the popular pastime is, "Hey, lets take it out on the computer guy!"
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"He has no life, its his fault." I am the embodiment of pure human to
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machine interface. I am the computer come in man-form to their pathetic
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little cubicles. I am therefore the target of all their frustrations.
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Or as I have told my wife, I am like an ambulance driver. I usually get
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them when its almost too late. I really really want to help, and I really
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want what's best for them. I swear to God I do.
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Persecution complex you say? Perhaps. Schizophrenic musings of an
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intelligent lunatic? Fuck you for noticing. I just gave up Zoloft
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for cigarettes again. You believe whatever the hell you wish. At least I
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am honest with myself. Narcissist? Fuck no. Anti-social? You bet, a
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learned behavior. These stomach pains are for real motherfucker.
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A lot of lusers are close to retirement and hatefully despise technology.
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I have often heard even our CEO state, "I wish we could just somehow
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get rid of all of the computers and go back to the old way." I actually
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heard that oral turd dispenser say that on numerous occasions.
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The CEO also mentioned (on the 15th time he got a complaint) that I was mean,
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to the poor, unfortunate always right and perfect lusers, and he
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threatened to fire me. I in a super nice way told him to fire me now
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and not to wait. Don't fuck around, do it NOW! Right fucking now!
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Don't dangle that carrot, don't threaten me. I will flip fucking hamburgers
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if that is what I have to do. I am not too proud.
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He hesitated and I am still not fired five years later. He won't
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fire me and do you know why? It would cost him double to pay someone now
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to replace me and that person would probably have a learning curve of at
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least 18 months to get up to speed. Plus it would take a new sysad
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about 1 year to restabilize what I picked up as a large fucking cobbled
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together excuse of a WAN/LAN.
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I literally rebuilt this unorganized grabastic hunk of shit cheap WAN
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from scratch. They had no program until I got here. No pride because I
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fought, scratched, bitched, whined, complained, and prayed prayed prayed to
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God every step of the way. So I guess God gets the credit, not me.
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Let me put this to you. Nobody is permanant. Everyone is expendable and
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even I never forget this rule. I am quite sure they could find some little
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eager upstart to take my desk, my terminal and my job from me. And the
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sad thing is the little shit probably has a college degree. He may even
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know a little about networks, perhaps the OSI model.
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But do you know the one thing Mr. College doesn't have that I have?
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Experience with all sorts of people and machinery to be exact. I was
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in a maintenance and electronics career for 15 years before I became sysad.
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I have worked on everything from radio to microwave, to weapons systems to
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VCR's. I have soldered boards, built houses, mixed paint, and broken
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into combination locks (legally). I have shoveled shit, helped calves
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give birth and made homebrew antennas to pick up long range radio stations
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with. I have plowed fields and rebuilt engines, I have been both grounded
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and on top of the world.
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What else do I have that Mr. College still shitting yellow doesn't? I have
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the heart, mind, body, and soul of a sysad. Good admins are made, not
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born. It takes work to get up every day even though you feel like never
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getting out of bed again and have taken 81 asschewings this year already
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for shit they keep piling on you that you have yet to finish, and haven't
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enough time or techs to help you.
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What else do I have Mr. Fucking Know it all college PUNK doesn't have?
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I care about my lusers. I really really do. I don't want them to lose
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their data, or their pc to a virus. Hell no!
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What else do I exhibit that Mr. College fresh wannabe doesn't? I am true
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to my God and to myself. I do not like to lie to me. I know what I know
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and that is all I know, but I want to know more and more. I spend hours
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upon hours in books, on the 'Net trying to learn one more thing to insulate
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my lusers from the real world of computing. Anything I can do to make their
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lives and mine easier that is what I look for. Nothing else will do.
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I want to make them happy. Yet they still fucking fight me and turn me
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in because I say what they don't like, I tell them the truth. Yes the
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drive has crashed and you lost everything. They can't handle that.
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One more final thing I have that college boy doesn't. I have humility.
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Humility of a kind that is born in the crucible of hard ass mind numbing
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deadlines, and thankless work and hard decisions daily. My humility was
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born of numerous ass-chewings, numerous deflations of my pride. Humility
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is setting up Netware 41 times on the same fucking box until you get it
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right, learning each step of the way. Humility is working on a pc for
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three weeks, only to find out it was something retarded all along like
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an unseated stick of ram. Be humble, be available, but be wise as a
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serpent and harmless as a dove.
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I have news for you lusers. Computers are not going away. They are here
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to stay and sysads like me are always going to be needed. Be nice to us
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because there will come a fateful day when your drive crashes, you get a
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virus and you will need our services. You do reap what you sow, that much
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I have learned in all my trials and tribulations of life in general and as
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a sysad.
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It is getting quite late and I am quite sure I have wasted enough of your
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valuable time reading this. I think the BOFH put my real feelings in print
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best: "I know I have that LAN cable I spliced into the power cord somewhere.
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" MWUAHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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FART BLOSSOM
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SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE NEW SOUTH
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MAY SHE RISE AGAIN!
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EOF |