162 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=(·b0redom vol 1.1·)=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= =
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= ooooooooo. =
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= `888 `Y88. =
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= .oooo. 888 .d88' .oooooooo oooo oooo .oooo.o =
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= `P )88b 888ooo88P' 888' `88b `888 `888 d88( "8 =
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= .oP"888 888`88b. 888 888 888 888 `"Y88b. =
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= d8( 888 888 `88b. `88bod8P' 888 888 o. )88b =
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= `Y888""8o o888o o888o `8oooooo. `V88V"V8P' 8""888P' =
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= d" YD =
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= "Y88888P' ·(·How to become an Internet badass v1.2·)· =
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= =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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So you're bored, and your physical apperance isn't exactly helping your social
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life? You need a way to feed your ego without having to go outside (you know,
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where "they" are), or getting off your fat ass? Why not become an internet badass?
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Benifits of becomming an internet badass:
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- Cyber/Phone sex with a number 12-14 year old girls
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- Eleveated Ego
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- Semi-loyal Followers
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- ereet h4x0r staus without all the trouble of learning computing.
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With this program (formally known as the GrimZ method) you too can become an
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internet badass.
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===============
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= Part I: IRC =
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===============
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First off you must begin with IRC, and an introduction. When joining your 1st network,
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talk about your "old network" and comment frequently about what an established
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badass you are there. When you are asked why you left simply reply with "I got sick
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of all the bullshit" or "t00 many fucking lamers" Be sure to use plenty of profanity,
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and replace the letter "o" with zero whenever posisble. More on leet speak later.
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Your first task is to discover a common enemy. Someone disliked on the network.
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Usually one of the more strict IRCops. Talk about how "(s)he hates me."
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Discuss your coding prowess in obscure languages, confident that no one in the
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channel(s) in which you are speaking knows them and will call you on it. If someone
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ever does call you on it, talk down to them and explain how easy it is to learn, and
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that all you need is a book on the language(s) in question, without actually
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demonstrating any real knowledge of the language. ALWAYS claim to know c/c++ but
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be very vauge as to actual code and syntax.
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It is also a good idea to learn either mIRC or pirch scripting. They are both very
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easy to learn, and are impressive to those who do not wish to learn. Make scripts for
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people to improve you social ranking on the network.
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Do not help just anyone however, only help those who are IRCops or have Ops (+o) in
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popular channels, or chanels you wish to be in. If a script you send someone doesn't
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work (which happens frequently to the internet badass) either become frustrated and
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say "fuck it I'm going back to c/c++!!!" or the ever popular "it works for me, you
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must have fucked it up somehow"
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=====================
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= Part II: Additude =
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=====================
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It is very important to talk down to others to increase your social ranking. Target
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newbies, especially java users and people who do not speak english.
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Whenever addressing anyone with a higher social ranking, act as if you are a peer,
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and even slightly superior. Higher ranking internet badasses can smell fear and
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hesitation.
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Talk loud and often. Express your opinions as obnoxiously and as often as possible.
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This will make you seem knowledgeable, at least for a time. By the time you are exposed
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as a moron, you will have too many followers backing you up, and therefore, you word often
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goes unchallenged.
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Whenever anyone discusses their accomplishments in anything you claim to have knowledge of,
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state that you are "way past that shit", and begin to reminice about your fictional
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experices.
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Example:
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"I remember the first time I wrote my own operating system.. god that must have
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been back in 92' on my old 386. It was the shit back in the day."
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Whenever someone approves of an application/OS/etc talk about your fictional experiences
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with said item, and why you stopped using it, in as vauge a manner possible.
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Example:
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"Yeah I tried slack but it was stupid. Slow as shit and lots of bugs. Red Hat is
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much leeter."
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Take special note to the above example. All popular (un patched) operating systems are
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"full of bugs" to some extent. Although it is stated that "Red hat is leeter" there is no
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real mention as to how or why. Vauge generalizations allow knowledgeable users to fill in
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the gaps on their own, and newbies to be impressed by your "skillz".
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=======================
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= Part III: Followers =
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=======================
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Every true internet badass develops followers. A small contingency of newbies whom you take
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under your wing and use to build your own ego. When they ask for your help ALWAYS as to see
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their code. This allows you to learn better methods for deveopling scripts/what have you,
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by examining the code of those actually willing to learn, while appearing to be the all
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knowing guru they expect.
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Steal code/architecture often. In time you will become compitent enough to steal
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functions/ideas and writting them out in such a way that it appears to be your own. In time
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you may learn the language simply through ossmosis.
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Always claim that everyone else copied you, unless of course, they are one of your followers.
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Followers are what makes being an internet badass worthwhile. People to boost your ego and do
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your bidding. People to steal from, lie to, and above all else, talk down to.
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=======================
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= Park IV: Leet Speak =
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=======================
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The true internet badass never spells words correctly. Intead he uses a pseudo-hacker form
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of communicaiton known as "leet speak". This envolves misspelling every word possible, while
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maintaining phonetic accuracy.
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Example: "DiS stuph iz fukin st00pid."
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Leet speak is used for 2 reasons:
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1. It makes the badass in question seem more like a "1337 h4x0r"
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2. It masks the often lacking intellegence and litteracy skills of your average internet
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badass. (Interesting that some who thrive in a text based medium can barely spell their
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own name.)
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===================================
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= Part V: The obligitory FBI bust =
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===================================
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Every internet badass manufactures street cred by telling the story of his fictional
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arrest/questioning by the FBI/CIA/NSA and narrowly avoided imprisonment. Usually revolving
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around some extreamly vauge account of them "hacking" somone, usually a military or ISP
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target.
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Begin by telling your story to many newbies, so that they can back you up later when
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questioned by more knowledgeable users.
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===============
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= Conclusion =
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===============
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Congradulations! If you followed the easy steps in this text, you are well on your way to
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becomming an internet badass. Enjoy your new found popularity, and make use of it while you
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can. You will be questioned. You will be exposed. You will be owned. It's all just a matter
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of time....
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=(·Copyright ©2000-2001 b0redom Industries·)=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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