312 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
312 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
The Book That Shall Not Be Named
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By: H. R. Puff 'n' Stuff
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Chapter 1
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It was the begining of the fall season and the
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wind was blowing and I could see up her skirt.
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She wore white panties with a rose on the front.
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The change from spring to summer to fall and to
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winter are sights so beautiful that the eye can
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only concive in a dream. Especial in the fall
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season.The way the leaves change colors and the
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wind starts to blow harder. But besides that, it
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was a lovely fall day. the sun was shining and
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the leaves were falling. I was walking down the
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street just walking when I looked down and saw
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that someone had dropped their wallet. I picked
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it up and opened it and when I looked inside I
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saw $100 worth in singles. So, I went to a
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stripper bar and spent every dollar. And it was
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worth every penny or should I say dollar. Now I
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was stubbling home form all the liquior I drank
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and as I'm walking home I see a purple elephant.
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He was a big elephant he had a yellow smily
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face with squigly eyes tattooed on his ass. He
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spoke to me in a deep voice he asked if I would
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like to a song with him. But what intrests me
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was the choice of song. He want me to sing the
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chitty-chitty bang-bang song with him. So, we
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start walking down the street singing "chitty-
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chitty bang-bang we love you, chitty-chitty
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bang-bang loves us too." When we get to the
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front door of my house the elephant asks me
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if he could come in for a drink and a smoke. I
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told him I don't care I don't even live here.
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So, we go inside and sit down on the couch and
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start watching television. That 70s Show was on
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and Hyde was kicking Kelso's ass. It was funny
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so we both laughed. After That 70s Show went off
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I changed the channel and AdultSwim was on. They
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were showing that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger
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Force where it was Meatwad's birthday and Master
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Shake was headbanging. It was funny so we laughed.
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It was getting late so I turned off the television
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and went to bed. My friend the purple elephant
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slept on the couch and the house was quite once
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again. Goodnight Moon.
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Chapter 2
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It was a beautiful morning, but unfortunately I had
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a hangover so I couldn't enjoy it but it was still
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pretty good. The purple elephant was gone now but he
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left a sticky note that said "Dear Tommy, I've gone
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out for tea and crumpets." So I went to the kitchen
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and made some beacon, "It's Beacon!!!," and eggs with
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a bowl of Pops, "Gotta Have My Pops," and some buttered
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toast with gravey. There was no orange juice so I had a
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rusty nail instead. It was the best rusty nail I ever
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made. After my long breakfast I stumbled to the bathroom
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to throw up and the door was locked. So I threw up in
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the hall, and it smelled like rotten pinnaples. Then I
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started singing chitty-chitty bang-bang again. I laughed.
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I went back upstairs to get dress to go to work, but I
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remembered that I didn't have a job so I went back to bed.
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I woke up at 5:30 in the afternoon, so I had breakfast
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again. I drank a coke and when I looked under the cap it
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said that I won a free coke, but I was delusional so I
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didn't believe it. I decided to go out for a walk and say
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stupid stuff to random people that I don't even know. I
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walked up to this one guy and said,"Excuse me sir but I
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have a cracker up my ass." "Paulie want a cracker?" When
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asked him his name he said it was Paul. How ironic. He
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laughed at me for what I said and I laughed too. We
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invited me to have a cup of coffee with him. So we went
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to a nearby Starbucks and sat down by the front window.
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He ordered a cup of coffee and I ordered as much as I
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could eat because it was free. Paul gladly paid for
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everything. The bill was $152.42. I thought "Whats wrong
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with this guy? He just paid $152 to feed some guy he
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doesn't even know." We started talking and I soon found
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out why he was so generous. He was a Christian. So I did
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what I always did. I ran out screaming "Why me, why me!"
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After running for 5 minutes in any direction I could I
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finally stopped in an ally and said to myself, "Man. That
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was a close one. I'm safe again." But moving on from that
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I started walking down the street again saying stupid
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things to random people. I said things like,"I like your
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pants, and nice ass Jerry." Then out of no where I saw the
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twinkie mobil it was yellow with creme filling. It stopped
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and I said hello. The driver said "Hey, I like your pants."
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I was shocked and then I burst out in laughter. Then this
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guy started throwing twinkies at me and I said,"What the
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hell, I'm not the twinkie king. Eric is!" So he threw them
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at some other guy. Dumbass.
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Chapter 3
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After freaking people out for about an three hours, I
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decided to go back home and think of new stupid things I
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can do. After I thought of something I called my friend,
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he who shall not be named, because he has a camcorder. He
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comes over and I tell him about the idea. "Okay first,
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we're gonna get a shopping cart and attach it to the back
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of your car then we,re gonna go to the freeway and I'm gonna
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get in the shopping cart and then your gonna pull me through
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Sunday traffic and I'm gonna scream bloody hell while eatting
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a donut from Krispy Kreme. All we need is some one to hold
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the camera and a donut from Krispy Kreme." Then he said,"I
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could call my friend Joey."Then I said,"Sweet! Lets go." So
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we went and picked up Joey and started off to the freeway.
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When we got to the freeway we pulled over and hooked up the
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buggy. I hopped in and they drove off with me draging behind.
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I woke up in a twinkie factory with a broken head. The twinkie
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docter said, "I was lucky to be alive," but at least I finished
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my donut. I decided to go home and when I got outside I saw a
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magic bunny with a top hat, bow tie and a cape on while playing
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a banjo and singing Home on the Range while floating in the sky.
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He also had a magic wand and a mask with a crazy eye and a
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button nose. I laughed. Then I went to the street corner and
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bought a four-finger lid and went home to get really baked. On
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the way I picked up some vodka and root beer. After drinking an
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entire 30 ounce bottle of vodka and smoking that lid of magic
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grass, I was so stoned I couldn't move and I started seeing
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spots and pink and purple animals. Then the purple elephant
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came in with the tea and crumpets and I passed out on the
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couch. The next morning I woke up on a sidewalk in Mexico City
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with One hell of a hangover and a bad attitude problem. LIfe
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gets more crazy everyday.
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Chapter 4
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So I'm in Mexico City with no clue how I got here and nobody
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speaks english. "Damn." But at least there's a bar so I'll live.
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I go inside and sit down at the bar. The bartender asks me what
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I want to drink and I'm like,"Thank God somebody speaks english."
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I asked for a rusty nail and and a shot of bourbon. It was good
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not the best but good. But the main thing was that it was cheap
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so I was happy. After talking with the bartender for awhile I
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found out away to get back home for nearly no money. So there I am
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clibbing across the fence on the border running like a bat out
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of hell trying to get away from the border patrol and I got shot
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in the ass. I made it to Los Angeles but I got shot in the ass.
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"Damn." Getting shot in the ass hurts like hell. I called a guy I
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knew and he took the bullet out and that hurt even more. "Damn."
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I called a friend to wire me some money so I can go home but he
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had to go to Pittsburg. "Bastard." So I started my new life in Los
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Angeles. I hate California. Now I have to get a job. "Damn it." So
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I got a job with the mafia stealing CDs and drugs stuff like that.
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Its not that great but at least the pay is good, and I get full
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heath coverage. There was this bar that I went to every night
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after pulling a heist or whatever, but one day I noticed something,
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something different. Then I looked over behind me and there was
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this girl sitting at a booth with her friends looking at me. And
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she was a pretty hot ass bitch. She had long black hair, the face
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of a devient angel, a perfect chest, long ass legs, and an ass like
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you wouldn't believe. Damn she was fine. She came up and asked the
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bartender for a black russian and sat down beside me. We started
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talking and she asked me if I wanted to go with her and her friends
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to a party. I told her, "Sorry babe, but I gotta get some sleep
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tonight. I gotta rob a bank in the morning." She said, "How would
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ya like to sleep with me?" "Damn. Lets go." Next morning I'm back
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in Mexico City again."Damn it. Could life get any worse?" I decide
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to try to learn some spanish and start living in Mexico for awhile.
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So I went back to that bar to see if I could get a job, and I got
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one but at the same time I'm learning some spanish so that was
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pretty cool. Pretty soon I saved enough money to get an apartment
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and start my new life in Mexico. Happy birthday.
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The End
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Part Two
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Return of the Magic Grass from Mexico
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Chapter 1
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It was a beautiful day in Mexico City. It was sunset and the
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pollution painted the sky in the most beautiful colors. But it
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was how the colors were shown by the Suns bright burning light.
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I was on my way home from work and I saw this guy getting his
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ass kicked in an ally so I pointed and laughed. When I got to
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the front door I notice it was open so I knew somebody broke in,
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I don't have anything wroth stealing so I wasn't worried. I went
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into the kitchen to get something to drink but, the refrigerator was
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empty so I just crashed on the couch. I turned on the television
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to see what was on and AdultSwim was doing a recap of there
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shows so I watched that for three hours and passed out on the
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couch. The next morning I went down to the coast to score some
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girls and the beach was closed because of some hurricane so
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scratch that idea. I decided to go to a bar nearby and get a drink,
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and it was closed too. "Damn hurricane." So now I had drive back
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home and go to the bar I usually go to which ain't that bad because
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Carlos the bartender there makes a mean rusty nail. But it was still
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a pretty good day. There sky was fully covered by dark black storm
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clouds and it began to rain. "I love the rain." So when I got to the
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bar I noticed some about it that I did not like very much at all...it was
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closed. "Shit." Then I started thinking about amish people. "Wow. Oh
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buttered toast with gravey. Ummmm gravey," but moving on. I went
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and parked my car and started walking down the street. I saw this kid
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standing on the corner selling Chiclets and crack. I felt sorry for the
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poor kid so I bought everything he had. When I got home I relized I
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had just spent 800 pesos on crack and chewing gum, and I didn't
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even concider the heath risks. I mean the gum could be poisonous,
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but then again I didn't care, so I ate it anyway. I wasn't worried about
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the crack. So I grab a coke from the frig and I spill it on some of the
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crack and the shit turned blue. "Oh my god, its Ajax! Oh well, Ajax
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does the same damn thing so snort, snort." Thats why it was so cheap.
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I thought it was a buy one get one free. Buy the gum get the crack free.
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After I snorted a few hundred lines of Ajax I got the munchies and I ate
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six bags of those chocolate chips that you bake with. So afterwards I
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had to go to the bathroom and that burned. Yeah but when I was done
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I looked in the toilet and my shit was blue. "Damn. I'm never doing Ajax
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again." You would think the chocolate chips would even it out. And I
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didn't even get a good buzz out of that. Damn its like drinking too much
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Gatorade cause that shit burns too. But at least I saw the pretty colors.
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That next morning I woke up with a bad ass mother fucking headache.
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So I called a guy and got him to hook me up with a shit load of magic
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grass for about 200 pesos. So I go and get the weed, go home and
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start rolling a joint the size of a pickle jar. And After that one little joint I
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was so stoned that I couldn't move, see, or even speak. I was a vegatable.
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The next morning I wake up in Cleveland tied to a light pole with a hat on
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that says "Big Daddy " on the front. "Damn thats some good magic grass."
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So after I got untied from the light pole I went to a phone booth started
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looking for a guy named Drew Carey just for the hell of it. And when I
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found some one close to where I was, I went to his house and rang the
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door bell. When he opened the door I said, "Hey, your on Candid Camera "
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and then ran away screaming bloody hell. I died laughing afterwards. Their
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was a funeral and everything except nobody came. "Those bastards." Oh
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well, moving on from that I found another bar and went in for a drink and
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when I walked in everyone had started looking at me funny like I was a
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stranger. Two hours later I walked out of there so shit faced drunk I couldn't
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walk straight. I was stumbling all over the place, running ito things and
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speaking in tongues. I got hit by several cars. After they hit me I'd just get
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right back up and walk away. It was a hit and stumble.
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Chapter 2
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I was stumbling down the road and I ran into a mailbox and fell asleep in front
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of it. The next morning I wake up in Nebraska in amish country. "Oh sexy amish."
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But no seriously I'm stuck in amish land, its like an amusement park but without
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the amusement. And theres no controled substances for miles. That means no
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weed, no crack, no coke, no meth, no ice, no rusty nails, and definantly no Coca-
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Cola. Its Red Bullshit. Oh and the name of the town is Farfignewton. Now thats
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cool as shit. But no I met this girl and I got her to give me a ride out to another city
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in another state where theres civilization, you know stuff like fire and the wheel.
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"Whoa." The trip took several days but it was still pretty cool. I got to travel in a
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wagon with a horse and a sexy amish girl. "Dude." I ended up in Colorado with a
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bag of flour and a black hat. "Oh sexy." So the first thing I saw was a giant peanut
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and I don't know why. "Man, I want to go back to Cleveland or Idaho where I can
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watch the potatos grow. Hey that rhymes. Home, home on the range..." I love that
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song. I broke in to some guys house in some neighborhood and found a shit load
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of magic grass, Coca-Cola with lime, and Chiklets. "Damn I'm good, real good
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yeah." So I did the resposible thing and I stole every damn thing I could even the
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lawn chairs. But as I was taking all this stuff I noticed that I didn't have a lighter.
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"Shit." So I seached the entire house looking for a damn mother-fucking piss-ass
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lighter and couldn't find shit. What kind of a stupid ass mother-fucking person has
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all this weed and no fucking lighter. Its just not right, its just not fucking right. Oh well
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no big deal I'll just buy one at the Kwiky Mart. So on my way to the Kwiky Mart I
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thought of something really smart, wow thats rare, but anyway just in case I end up
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in amish land again or some where else like that then I should carry a small bag of
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magic grass in my pants. I'll carry just enough to make two or three small joints
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about the size of a pickle jar. Pretty smart right? "Cool." So then I walked in through
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the front door of the Kwiky Mart, and the guy behind the cash register had stated
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looking at me funny like he liked looking at me. Then he looked at my ass and then
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I found out that he was gay which was cool I got no problems with that. I set him
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straight and told him that I wasn't gay but that the guy behind me was flamming and
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that was cool cause the guy got jumped. So I pointed and laughed. "Ha ha." Oh well
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got to keep rolling down the road. Sweet potato pie. "Ummmm pie."
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Chapter 3
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"And then there was God." That was so random, I love random thought. The mind
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of someone who is dazed and confused, its beautiful. "Cool I found a penny. Now
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I'll have good luck the next time I fuck. Cool." I'm gonna need all the luck I can get
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cause I have to get to the border and I have no idea where I'm going. Oh well I'm
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not worried. "Don't worry, be happy." Thats a cool song. I made it down to Reno,
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Nevada and went to a couple of casinos and played some Blackjack. I'm real good
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at Blackjack. I can get real lucky in a good game of Blackjack. When I was a kid I
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wouldn't beat up kids for their lunch money I'd steal it from them in a nice unfriendly
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game of Blackjack. Not that I cheated or anything cause back then I didn't know how
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to cheat and I still don't I just have a natural born talent for Blackjack. So I'm inside
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the casino, I don't remeber the name but, I walked inside with some cash cause I
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sold some of the weed I stole and got a hundred dollars in change at table 6. The
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dealer was tall and skinny with light skin and a pale face that was blank , the face of
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a dealer that you couldn't read until you've already lost the game. I looked at him
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straight in the eye and asked him,"Have you ever been constipated?" Now his face
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wasn't so blank anymore. It went from blank to bright red so I pointed and laughed.
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I bet everything on one hand and left the table. I won so I doubled my money. Then
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changed my chips into cash and went to another casino and did the same thing. In
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one hour I had scored over $800 and I had started with only $100. Its a good thing
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I found that penny. Then I went and found a cheap hotel and spent the night. In the
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morning I started doing the same thing I did last night and won $1200 in two hours.
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Then I decided to goto another casino and get a job application and I stayed at that
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hotel until I had enough money to get a car and an apartment and start my new life in
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Reno, Nevada. Happy Birthday
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The End
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The Story of Jack Schitt
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By: unknown
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"Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
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married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt and
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produced six childern. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next twin
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sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son
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Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt
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and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens childern are Dawg Schitt, Byrd
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Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are
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awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.
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I just wanted to add one of my favorite stories into this file and make it a little bit funnier. |