191 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
191 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
COLA PRESENTS:
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FRED THE ELITE HACKER VS RONALD MCDONALD
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ONE DAY FRED WAS SITTING AT HOME, WATCHING TV WHEN HE SAW A MCDONALDS AD.
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"TWO THICK JUICY PATTIES OF COMPRESSED "MEAT" SAMWICHED BETWEN REPROCESSED
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GARBAGE! EAT MDS AND SAVE!" BLEETED THE WHITE, PUSTULENT FACE OF THE CACKLING
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DEMON RONALD MCDONALD. "THIS WEEK'S BULLSHIT TOY: SOME CRAPPY PEICE OF
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MELTED PLASTIC!"
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"SAVE!" THOUGHT FRED. "I'LL SAVE YOU, YOU CLOWN BASTARD!!! SOON YOU'LL BE
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EATING TWO JUCY PATTIES OF C-4! THAT'LL TEATCH YOU TO KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE
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WITH YOUR REPROCESSED GARBAGE!!"
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FRED CALLED UP HIS FRIENDS, JOHN AND ZACK, AND TOLD THEM OF HIS
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RIGHTEOUS PLAN. THEY BOTH READILY AGREED TO THE CRUSADE, AGREEING TO MEET
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OUTSIDE OF THE LOCAL 7-11. LATER THAT NIGHT, THE YOUNG HEROES GATHERED
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THEIR SUPPLIES.
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"MOM! I'M GOING OUT!!" FRED SHOUTED AS HE STUFFED SOME C-4 IN HIS BACKPACK.
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"DONT BE HOME TOO LATE!" HIS MOTHER REPLIED.
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"I WONT!" FRED REPLIED AS HE HASTILY PACKED HIS BACKPACK WITH RAZOR BLADES,
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A 10" MEAT CLEAVER, SOME FLARES, PIANO WIRE, MODEL ROCKET FUEL, POISON,
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NINJA MASKS, DRIED FETUSES, NUNCHUCKS, HOME-MADE NAPALM, CONTACT EXPOSIVE,
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POWDERED HUMAN FECES, SMOKEBOMBS, GAOLINE, CLEAN UNDERWEAR, HIS LAPTOP,
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ACID(BOTH THE REGULAR AND HALUCINAGENIC VARIETIES), A ROCKET PROPELLED
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GRENADE HIS FATHER HAD BROUGHT BACK FROM VIETNAM AND HIS RED, BLUE, BLACK,
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GOLD, SILVER, ORANGE, GREEN, BROWN AND MAUVE BOXES.
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"THIS SHOULD END YOUR REIGN OF POLYSATURATED TERROR!" THOUGHT FRED AS HE
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STEPPED OUT OF HIS HOUSE. HOWEVER, LITTLE DID FRED KNOW THAT COLD, WINTER'S
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NIGHT, THAT HE WAS STEPPING INTO DESTINY.
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CHAPTER 2: SUPER-SIZED ANARCHY
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JOHN AND ZACK WERE JUST FINISHING STEALING THEIR SLURPEES WHEN FRED ARIVED.
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BOTH WERE DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK, JOHN WAS CARRYING HIS LOCKPICK SET WHILE
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ZACK WAS CARRYING WHAT APPEARED TO BE THE LARGEST PIPEBOMB EVER CONTRUCTED
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AND A THREE INCH THICK, FIVE FOOT LONG SECTION OF WIRE HE HAD CUT FROM THE
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LOCAL CABLE MAIN. A FEW PREPPIES THAT WERE STARING CURIOUSLY WERE EASILY
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SCARED OFF BY A SINGLE GLARE. THEY WERE SUCH SIMPLISTIC COWARDS THAT
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THEY EVEN DROPPED THEIR WALLETS AND EAT-MORE BARS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
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THE YOUNG ANARCHISTS DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO STEAL THE PETTY CHANGE GAURENTEED
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TO BE HELD INSIDE, BECAUSE THEY HAD MORE INPORTANT THINGS TO DO.
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"OKAY, SO HERE'S THE PLAN. WE GO IN AND TRY TO SOCIALLY ENGINEER OUT RONALD
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MCDONALD'S LOCATION FROM THE MCD'S COMPUTERS."
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"OKAY, GOT IT."
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ARRIVING AT MCPEICEOFCRAPS, THE YOUNG ANARCHISTS, IMMEDIATELY AFTER PLACING
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KETCHUP PACKETS UNDER THE TOILET SEATS AND ADDING HYDROCHLORIC ACID TO THE
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KETCHUP DISPENSER, PROCEEDED TO TAKE SOFTDRINK CUPS OFF A TABLE, AND GO TO
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THE FRONT COUNTER, ASKING FOR A REFILL. IT WAS ALLMOST CLOSING TIME, AND
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THERE WERE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THE STORE, OTHER THAN AN ELDERLY COUPLE.
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"TAKE THIS, YOU FAT WHALE!" SHOUTED ZACK AS HE STUFFED HIS 5' PIPE BOMB
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DOWN THE BACK OF THE FAT WHALE'S PANTS. "THAT'S MORE POLE THAN YOU'LL EVER
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GET!" THE WHALE TRIED TO PULL IT OUT, BUT SHE WAS TOO FAT TO REACH AND SO THE
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PIPE BOMB EXPLODED, TEARING OPEN HER FAT, FAT BODY. LUCKILY HER MASSIVE
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CARCUS HAD STOPPED ANY OF THE FRAGMENTATION FROM REACHING ANY OF OUR HEROES,
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WHO AT THIS POINT WERE BUSY POURING WATER INTO THE DEEP FRYERS, STEALING THE
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CASHTILLS, MELTING THE MCD'S LOOSER'S FACES WITH ACID, PUTTING RAZORBLADES
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INTO THE MEAT PATTIES AND PLACING CONTACT EXPLOSIVES UNDER THE SOFT-DRINK,
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DISPENSER NOZLES. THE MCDONALDS MANAGER, HEARING THE EXPLOSIONS AND
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SCREAMING, AND SMELLING MORE BURNING HUMAN FLESH THAN THEY NORMALY SERVE IN
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THEIR CHICKEN MCNUGGETS, CAME OUT OF HIS OFFICE TO INVESTIGATE. JOHN SHOUTED
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OUT "OH MY GOD! SUDENLY EVERONE ELSE OTHER THAN US WERE MASSACURED! WANT A
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DIET COKE?"
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THE MANAGER, SEEING THAT MOSTLY ONLY THE OH SO EASILY REPLACED EMPLOYEES WERE
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HURT, AGREED. WHEN THE CONTACT EXPLOSIVE CONVERTED HIM INTO A NEW PAINT JOB,
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FRED AND CREW GOT TO WORK HACKING INTO THE MCDONALDS COMPUTERS. IT TOOK THEM
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LES THAN .00001 SECONDS TO CRACK THE CRAPPY SECURITY, AND THEY WERE IN!
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"LOOK! IT TAKES 0.001$ TO MKE A BIG MAC!"
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"THERE ARE 10,000 CALORIES IN A MCFISH!"
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"THESE PATTIES ARE MADE BY AND FROM CHILD LABORERS!"
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FINALLY JOHN SHOUTED "YES! THE MASTER PASSWORD! I HAVE ROOT ACCESS TO MCD'S
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SERVERS!"
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"HERE WE ARE! A SECRET LAIR IN AFRICA! HERES THE INFO!"
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THE ANARCHISTS QUICKLY LEFT, BUT NOT BEFORE SETTING EVERY DEEP FRYER IN THE
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COUNTRY TO "MELTDOWN", STEALING ALL THE MONEY FROM THE TILLS, PUTTING
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DYNAMITE UNDERNEATH THE PROPANE TANKS, AND BREAKING OFF THE RONALD MCDONALD
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STATUES ARMS AND GLUEING THEM ONTO HIS CROTCH.
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"FUCK YOU RONALD! YOU'RE NEXT!!!"
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CHAPTER 3: RELENTLESS ASSAULT
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THE BLACK PLANE LIFTED OFF WITHOUT A SOUND FROM THE SECRET AIRSTRIP IN THE
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KENTUCKY CORN FIELD. AFTER LIFTOFF, THE PILOTS OPENED THE SECRET INSTRUCTIONS
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GIVEN TO THEM BY THEIR COMMANDER. THEY NODDED TO EACH OTHER, THEN PLOTTED THE
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COURSE TO AFRICA. IN THE HOLD, THREE FIGURES SAT SILENT. IT WOULD BE TIME
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SOON ENOUGH.
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THROUGH THE SLITS OF THE CRATE, THE ANARCHISTS COULD SEE THAT IT WAS NIGHT;
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THE FLIGHT HAD BEEN A LONG ONE. A SHUDDER ROLLED OVER THEIR CRATE AS A
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FORKLIFT CARRIED THEM TO THEIR DESTINATION. THEY WERE IN A FORTRESS MADE OF
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THICK STONE WALLS AND MUD CAKED BUILDINGS. GUARDS AND SCIENTISTS MIXED, ALL
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SOUROUNDED BY THE IMPOSING DUAL SEALS; THE MCDONALDS GOLDEN ARCH, AND THE
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NAZI SWASTIKA.
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THEY WERE BROUGHT INTO A STOREROOM, WITH ONLY A SMALL PODIUM A FEW RIBBBONS
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ADORNING THE WALLS AND SOME LIGHT APPETISERS. THE GUARDS OUTSIDE WERE TOLD
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NOT TO LET ANYONE IN FOR ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR. EMERGING FROM THE CRATE, FRED,
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JOHN, AND DEATHLOCK BEGAN TO TRAP THE ENTIRE ROOM THEN PROCEDED TO HIDE ONCE
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AGAIN. HALF AN HOUR LATER, PEOPLE, APPARENTLY GENERALS, FILED IN AND WAITED
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ATTENTIVELY. THEN, RONALD STRODE IN.
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"FELLOW NAZIS! OUR EVIL PLAN HAS COME TO FRUITION! BEFORE WE COULD NOT KILL
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ALL OF THE JEWS, BUT NOW, WITH THE HELP OF HITLER'S BRAIN, WE HOLD THE POWER
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IN THIS VERY ROOM! BEHOLD! THE KILLERON 5000!"
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"NOT THIS TIME, YOU PASTY-FACED DEMON!"
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WITH THAT, THE ANARCHISTS BURST OUT OF THEIR HIDING PLACE, THROWING NAPALM,
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DYNAMITE AND MODEL ROCKET FUEL GRENADES AT RONALD. ALLTHOUGH ON FIRE, RONALD
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SHOUTED OUT "GET THEM, GOONS!" TO HIS GENERALS, HALF OF WHICH WERE TRIPPING
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OUT BECAUSE OF THE LSD IN THE PUNCH, AND THE OTHER HALF OF WHICH WERE
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ALLREADY DEAD BECAUSE OF THE PURE NICOTENE LACING THEIR FOOD. RONALD WAS
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STILL ON FIRE, BUT ADVANCING TOWARDS THEM. THE FIRE AND EXPLOSIONS HAD BURNT
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OFF THE ARTIFICIAL SKIN COVERING THE ROBOTIC MONSTROSITY BEFORE THEM.
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"NOW YOU KNOW MY TERRIBLE SECRET" CACKLED ROBO-RONALD, A SAWBLADE WHIRRING
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ON HIS ARM. "NOW YOU DIE!"
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LEVELING HIS RPG AT RONALDS FEET, FRED SHOUTED "NOT TODAY, ROBO-BASTARD!"
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THE RPG BLEW ROBO-RONALD OFF HIS FEET, GIVING FRED THE OPPORTUNITY TO
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PULL OUT HIS 10" MEAT CLEAVER. DIVING, HE PLUNGED IT ALL THE WAY INTO
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ROBO-RONALD'S EVIL MECHANICAL BRAIN. RONALD SCREAMED IN HORRIBLE PAIN,
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THRASHING ABOUT, EVENTUALLY FALLING STILL.
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THEY HAD DONE IT. THEY HAD KILLED RONALD MCDONALD, AND SAVED THE WORLD'S
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JEWS. THEIR DESTINY WAS FUFILLED, AND WORLD PEACE WAS GAURENTEED.
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ON THE WAY OUT, DEATHLOCK PUT THERMITE ALL OVER ROBOTIC RONALD MCDONALD'S
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DEAD CARCUS, WHILE JOHN PUT POWDERED HUMAN FECES IN HITLER'S BRAIN'S JAR,
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AND FRED TOOK ALL THE CHANGE FROM THE DEAD GENERALS WALLETS.
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THE YOUNG ANARCHISTS STOLE A JEEP AND RODE IT TO THE NEAREST AIRPORT, WHERE
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1THEY CAUGHT A FLIGHT HOME, BACK TO THE LAND THAT THEY LOVED SO DEAR.
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ONE THOUSAND FEET ABOUVE, IN THE TOP FLOOR OF THE TOWER BUILT ON MT.
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DEATHKILL, A SHADOWY FIGURE WATCHED. A SINISTER CACKLE ECHOED THOUGH THE
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MOUNTAINS.
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BY ZATATHUSTRA
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PROPS: SYLPHEED, ELIASISS, ZEMEKISS, GRAMIJKA, MANDELBROT
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SLOPS: MS IIS CODERS, AMERICANS(IT'S NOT OUR FAULT OUR KIDS ARE CRAPPY!),
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ANYONE WHO SHOWS THEIR TRUE COLORS. (AND THEY'RE DIFFERENT THAN MINE)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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_______
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/ \ "KEEP THAT BITTERNEESS CLOSE TO THE HEART"
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| ___ ____
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| / \ | / \ / \ \ /
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| | | | /_____\ | \ /
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| \ __/ |____ / \ . \____/ / \
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\______/ I GOT PIMPED AT COLA.CX / \
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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COPYRIGHT MARCH 6, 2000 BY COLA CONTACT: COLA@COLA.CX
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THIS FILE MAY BE DISTRIBUTED FREELY, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT MODIFIED.
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