265 lines
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265 lines
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(word processor parameters LM=8, RM=75, TM=2, BM=2)
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Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
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Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
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PO BOX 1031
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Mesquite, TX 75150
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There are ABSOLUTELY NO RESTRICTIONS
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on duplicating, publishing or distributing the
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files on KeelyNet!
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April 4, 1991
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100DYING.ASC
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100 Ways to Avoid Dying
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By: Tim Clark
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MS-Dos Version By: Peter Schwab
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Article from: 1990 Farmer's Almanac
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Doctors and scientists are always telling us ways to live longer.
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Usually they involve a healthier diet or lifestyle: that is, eating
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less fat and more vegetables and fruits, getting more exercise, or
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giving up smoking.
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We wholeheartedly endorse these rigorous and unpleasant methods of
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extending life, but our research into centuries of American folk
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wisdom has turned up 100 EASY ways of avoiding death by observing a
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few simple rules in everyday situations. These beliefs come from all
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over this country and were actually collected by students of
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folklore and anthropology.
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None of them were made up. Just remember: if you fail to observe
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these rules, we won't be responsible for the consequences!
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HOUSEKEEPING HINTS
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1. Don't take ashes out of the fireplace or wood stove between
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Christmas and New Year's Day.
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2. Never place a broom on a bed.
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3. Close umbrellas before bringing them into a house.
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4. Avoid sweeping after sundown.
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5. You mustn't wash clothes on New Year Day.
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6. Don't shake out a tablecloth after dark.
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7. Never wash a flag.
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8. Don't turn a chair on one leg.
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9. Keep cats off piano keys.
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10. Don't hang a dishcloth on a doorknob.
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11. Sweeping under a sick person's bed will kill him or her.
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12. Don't ever, ever rock an empty rocking chair.
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RENOVATION AND DECORATING
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13. Never add-on to the back of your house.
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14. You mustn't cut a new window in an old house; the only way to
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avoid fatal consequences is to toss your apron through the
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new window, and then jump through it yourself.
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15. Never drive a nail after sunset.
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Page 1
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16. Don't move into an unfinished house.
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17. Avoid carring axes, shovels, and other sharp-edged tools
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through a house; if you must take one inside, always take it
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out by the same door.
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18. If you move out of a house, don't move back into it for a year.
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19. Don't hang your sweetheart's picture upside-down.
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20. If a picture falls from the wall, don't pick it up.
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21. Never carry a peacock's feather into a house.
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22. Keep cut flowers out of bedrooms overnight.
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23. Don't ever carry a bouquet of wildflowers indoors before May 1.
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SEWING AND FASHION
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24. If you cut out a new dress on Friday, you must finish it that
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same day.
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25. Don't make new clothes between Christmas and New Year's Day.
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26. Never hold a stick in your mouth while sewing.
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27. Always sew cross-stich on your underwear.
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28. Don't walk around in one shoe.
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29. If you see a will-o'-wisp while out walking at night, turn
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your coat inside-out.
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30. Never wear another's new clothes before they have worn them.
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31. A woman who makes her own wedding dress will not live to wear
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it.
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COOKING AND TABLE MANNERS
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32. Never set three lamps on a table at the same time.
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33. Don't set the table backwards.
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34. Never serve 13 at a table.
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35. Avoid drinking coffee at 5 o'clock.
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36. You mustn't write on the back of a dish.
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37. Never return borrowed salt.
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38. Don't ever cross knives while setting the table.
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39. Be sure that someone else cooks your birthday dinner.
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40. Don't put two forks at one place setting.
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41. Never, never turn a loaf of bread upside down.
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SLEEPING
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42. Sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed is surely fatal.
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43. Don't sing in bed.
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44. If you hear a dog howl at night, reach under the bed and turn
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over a shoe.
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45. Don't count stars.
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46. A man should never dream of a naked woman; a woman should
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never dream of a naked man. (You know who you are...)
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PERSONAL HYGIENE
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47. Never rub soap on your skin on a Friday.
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48. Don't look into a mirror over another's shoulder.
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49. Avoid combing your hair after dark.
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50. Absolutely no haircuts in March.
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51. Let a baby's hair and fingernails grow until their 1st birthday.
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52. Don't let two people comb your hair at once.
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53. Never shave at night.
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54. NEVER, EVER share a razor used by a dead man.
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Page 2
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FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
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55. Never hold a funeral on a Friday.
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56. When a person dies in a house, you must immediately cover all
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mirrors and stop all clocks.
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57. Children should not pretend to have funerals.
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58. Don't ever try on a mourning veil.
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59. Always remove a dead body from a house feet first.
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60. Never ride in a hearse, unless you are the driver.
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61. Don't count the cars in a funeral motercade.
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62. Avoid wearing new clothes to a funeral, especially new shoes.
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63. Pull the shades in a room where a funeral service is taking
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place: if the sun hits a mourner's face, he is the next to die.
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64. When walking in a funeral procession, don't look backwards.
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65. Never point at a grave.
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66. Try not to step across a grave.
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67. Never leave a grave open overnight.
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68. Don't ever be the first to leave the graveyard after a funeral.
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69. If a corpse lies unburied on Sunday, another in town will
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surely die soon.
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70. Wait a year before putting up a tombstone for a family member;
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if you don't, another family member will go before the year
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has ended.
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GENERAL AND MISCELLANEOUS
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71. Drink May rainwater.
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72. When sick, don't look in mirrors.
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73. Don't give a person a peony.
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74. Never measure your own height.
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75. Try not to imagine it's Saturday when it's not.
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76. Don't count cars on a passenger train.
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77. Never whistle in a coal mine.
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78. Avoid measuring a person who is lying down.
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79. Don't walk backwards.
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80. You mustn't allow a candle to burn itself out.
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81. Never sell a dog.
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82. Try not to kill a crow; but if you do, be sure to bury it
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while wearing black.
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83. If you transplant a cedar tree, you will die by the time it
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is big enough to shade a grave.
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84. The same is true of a willow tree (as in 83)
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85. Don't ever hang your hoe on a tree branch.
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86. Don't skip a row when planting corn or beans.
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87. If you watch a person out of sight, you'll never see them again.
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88. Avoid stepping over a person who is lying down.
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89. When your name is called, don't answer the first time-it may be
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the Devil calling you.
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90. Never shake hands through a window or over a fence.
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91. Try not to sit with your back to the fire.
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92. Don't burn sassafras wood.
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93. If you walk with your hands locked behind your head, it will
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kill your mother.
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94. Don't even THINK of mocking an owl.
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95. Don't store your shoes above your head.
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96. Never kill a locust.
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97. Never kill a lizard.
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98. If you hear a hen crow, you must kill the hen.
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Page 3
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99. If you are on a train when a woman boards, dressed in black,
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get off.
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100.Whatever you do, don't let a lizard count your teeth.
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Hoped you liked this!
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-Peter Schwab
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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This file placed on KeelyNet, courtesy of Ron Barker.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If you have comments or other information relating to such topics
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as this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or send to the
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Vangard Sciences address as listed on the first page.
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Thank you for your consideration, interest and support.
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Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
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Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If we can be of service, you may contact
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Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 242-9346
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Page 4
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