270 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
270 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
A MANLY WAGER
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By Lucillus
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Dedicated to testosterone
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There was a pair of warriors
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Who thought they were so cool
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BBBain and Magnus were their names
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The king and prince of fools.
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Now as to which is greater
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Come listen to my tale
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And I will tell you of the time
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These mighty warriors failed.
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Late one night a bet they made
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A very manly boast
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So many maidens each could bed
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But who could get the most?
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And so they set out for to prove
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Who was the biggest prick
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And just how stupid they could act
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And get away with it.
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Bain and Magnus wanted
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To show who was the best
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And each man was determined
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To win this manly test
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By fair means and by foul
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Many maidens they would lay
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Then prove it all by boasting
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In a very manly way.
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Bain went into town now
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And found a likely inn
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He was sure the maids would swoon
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As soon as they saw him.
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He preened and pranced and pampered
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To show his better side
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And practiced his sincerity
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To hide the fact he lied.
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And sure enough the spell he wove
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Had all the ladies there
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Dying for the chance to run
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Their fingers through his hair.
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"Please, ladies, take a number!"
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Pretty Bain he then did say,
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"For I will serve you all upstairs,
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Until the break of day."
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So Bain thinks he's a stud now
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And many maids agree
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He cares not for discretion
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In fact, he charged a fee.
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All the ladies they were waiting
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To take their turn in bed
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Then boast to one another:
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"I'm his only love", they said.
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But Magnus thinks he's clever
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Of that he is so sure
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He followed Bain to see how he
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Would all the ladies lure.
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He saw a lady that he knew
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Whose jealous husband cruel
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Would kill to keep his lovely wife
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As a miser keeps a jewel.
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So straight away he went to tell
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This jealous hulking man
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Of just what Bain was going to do
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And his wife's part in the plan.
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And so, he thought, he could be sure
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To win their manly bet
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This surely was as clever
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As any man could get!
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Now Magnus he is lazy
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As if you didn't know
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He thought he had it made now
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And wished to see the show.
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So he went into the tavern
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And waited for to see
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A very jealous husband
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And his victim soon-to-be.
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Upstairs Bain was grooming
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He made the ladies wait
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While Magnus tried his best to hide
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And leave Bain to his fate.
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Soon the jealous husband
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Had gathered to his side
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As many friends as he could find
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To help him take his bride.
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But Magnus was impatient
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And quite horny now as well
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So he slipped out through the back
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To stables by their smell.
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He was sure that he could ream
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Some very lonely horse
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Then be back inside in time to see
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Bain thrashed by manly force.
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But even for old Magnus
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Things sometimes work out well
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For Bain chose for his first lay
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The faithless wife from hell.
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She could not wait for foreplay
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But jumped upon his steed
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And started quick to ride him
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To service her deep need.
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I know now what you're thinking
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How typical it seems
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For Bain to end up with a maid
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While Magnus a horse reams.
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But justice it soon entered
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Into this merry tune
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The husband and his many friends
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Had come, and none too soon.
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Up the stairs they charged as one
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And burst into the room
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Then looked Bain, and saw right there
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His own impending doom.
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And naked as a jaybird
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He took his only chance:
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Went leaping out the window
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Without even his pants.
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Now Bain had not yet finished
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His very manly chore
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His manhood still was rigid
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And hard now to ignore.
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But his luck did not desert him
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For below him now he saw
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A thatched roof coming quickly
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Made of soft and yielding straw.
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And Magnus in the stables
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Had found a horse to pork
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Was pounding deep into her tail
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And leaned into his work.
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When crashing through the rooftop
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Came Bain with his stiff spear
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And found poor Magnus most exposed
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And fell into his rear.
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A mighty squeal of pain and glee
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Was heard for miles around
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And far away some pigs got hard
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Just thinking of that sound.
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And so we have a sandwich
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Of two men and a horse
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It's hard now to imagine
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How things could turn out worse.
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And Bain, who was stuck deep now
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Was trying to escape
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But Magnus had recovered
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And started screaming "Rape!"
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Out came the jealous husband
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Who could not believe his eyes
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Followed closely by the ladies
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Who laughed until they cried.
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Now if a man were able
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To die of shame alone
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Then surely now our heroes
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Would be deader than a stone.
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But alas, in their position
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An embarrassment from hell
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They could not defend themselves
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And their fate I now will tell.
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They were taken to the woods
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And then tied upside down
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Their clothes were burned before their eyes
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And all went back to town.
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You think the story's over
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But there's one more thing to see
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Who had won the wager
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And the greatest prick would be.
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For as they were a-hanging
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An argument ensued
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Bain said: "I'm the winner,
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And still the coolest dude."
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But Magnus he retorted:
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"At least I finished mine,
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So shut up, Bain, you loser,
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I hate it when you whine."
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Shindar Drinking Song
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Last night I went out drinking,
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And I met a lively crew,
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So we wandered off together,
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To hoist an ale or two.
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We came upon a little place,
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Where the ladies were most fair,
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And so we all decided,
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That we should tarry there.
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Oh we're bold and handsome
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bastards,
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'Til the morning anyway,
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When the rising sun will smite
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our eyes,
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And make us curse the day.
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The lasses they all love us,
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For as long as we can pay,
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But when our coin runs out,
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They will send us on our way.
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So we'll hoist another ale,
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And we'll sing another song,
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And we'll crawl from bar to bar,
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Until the coming of the dawn.
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Behind the bar, with golden hair,
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There stood a beautious lass,
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With ruby lips and eyes of blue,
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And this exquisite nose.
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Well Maddog was a foolish lad,
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Whose moods did not soon pass,
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He lept across that little bar,
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And tried to pinch her nose.
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(Chorus)
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We grabbed young Maddog by the cloak,
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And everything was fine,
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Until the lass's lad showed up,
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With a friend or nine.
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I will not bore you with the tale,
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Suffice to say we had them beat,
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And then the city watch showed up,
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To make the night complete.
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(Chorus)
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Now Fezzik he was not to bright,
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He'd smashed a guardsman's head,
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So the Magistrate said take him out,
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And hang him 'til he's dead.
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The lass that Maddog tried to pinch,
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Appealed to the bench,
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And this morning, I've been told,
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He got married to the wench!
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(Chorus)
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His honor looked me in the eye,
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And said: "What should I do?"
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So I looked right back at him said,
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"Let's hoist an ale or two."
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So off we wandered into town,
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With a guard or two he'd brung,
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Along the way there was a brawl,
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And come the morning he was hung!
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(Final Chorus)
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Jester of the Shindar
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1992
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