180 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
180 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
From: pa1129%sdcc13@ucsd.edu (Steve Boswell)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Mission Impossible meets the Twilight Zone
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Date: 7 Apr 90 10:30:09 GMT
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Mission: Impossible
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meets
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The Twilight Zone
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(Scene: The city zoo, near the gorilla exhibit. Two gorillas are sitting down
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near a pool of water, pulling bugs from each other. Suddenly Jim Phelps jumps
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over the wall from a service area and quickly shoots the two gorillas with
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tranquilizer darts. He walks up to the female and reaches between her legs to
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open a secret catch. Out falls a small tape recorder and a manila envelope.
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Phelps opens the envelope and plays the recorder.)
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Tape: Good morning Mr. Phelps. Your mission, if you choose to accept
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it, is to find the person or persons responsible for the death
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and disappearance of twenty UCSD visual arts undergrads and
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bring them to justice. The only clue we have... (Phelps looks
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at a photo of a thin man in dark clothing) ...is a picture of a
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man who was observed at the scene of some of the
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disappearances. Since this is an internal affair, we suggest
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you not use the right-wing radicalisms that you normally
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exercise outside our borders. If any of your force is caught,
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the Secretary will be more than happy to leave you twisting in
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the wind. This tape will self destruct in five seconds.
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(Camera moves back to show that a large crowd has gathered to stare at Phelps.
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Wisps of smoke come forth from the tape recorder and toward the male gorilla,
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waking him up. As he begins beating the tar out of Phelps, the camera pans
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left to Rod Serling, holding a lit cigarette.)
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Rod: Jim Phelps... last of a dying breed. In an age of enlightened
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interaction between governments, a Cold War crusader now
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working as an undercover...
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Lady: (Walking up to Rod from the crowd) Here now! You filthy man!
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Don't use that kind of language around my son!
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Rod: Shhh!
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Lady: Don't you shush me! I won't have you talking about filthy
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disgusting sex in front of my son!
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Rod: (Perplexed) All I was going to say is that Jim Phelps is
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working as an undercover...
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Lady: (Covering her son's ears) Don't say it! Don't you DARE talk
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about that man, that dirty man who has to go outside of the
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human species to find sex. I don't want you putting perverted
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ideas like free love and masturbation and...
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(Meanwhile, Jim Phelps, badly thrashed, delivers a tremendous right uppercut
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to the gorilla and walks away.)
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Rod: Madam, please...
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Lady: Don't you call ME madam! (Her husband begins to drag her away)
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Of all the cheeky things, calling me madam in front of an
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impressionable child...
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Rod: (Turning back to the camera) Jim Phelps... last of a dying
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breed. In an age of enlightened interaction between
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governments, a Cold War crusader now working as an undercover
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police force. He seeks evil, but today he may find instead...
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the Twilight Zone.
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Phelps: (Off-camera, to Rod) Hey, you're the guy in the photo! (Runs up
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to Rod, grabs him by his shirt collar, and puts the
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tranquilizer gun to his head) Tell me what you know or I'll
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kill you right now!
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Rod: (Becoming defensive) Kiss my ass...
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Phelps: (Throwing Rod up against a wall) NOW, mister!
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Rod: OK, OK... (reaches into his pocket) Here's the address where
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the bodies are.
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Phelps: (Snatching the paper) Thanks.
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(Phelps shoots Rod in the chest with the gun, then runs. Rod collapses. The
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crowd gasps.)
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(Scene: A reception room in a medical school on the east side of town. A
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secretary sits at a nearby counter. As she is talking on the phone, a student
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and two street thugs carrying a large package walk up to her.)
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Student: I need to talk to the professor about a grade change.
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Secretary: He's left for his summer vacation. Try again in three months.
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Student: You've got to be kidding!
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Secretary: I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do about it. Next...
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(Student walks off with an aghast look on his face. Street thugs walk up to
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secretary.)
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Thug #1: We have three packages for the professor.
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Secretary: Oh yes. He's expecting you in his office.
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Thug #1: Thank you very much, ma'am.
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(Thugs walk to the professor's office, go in, and close the door. Student
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walks back to secretary's desk, staring at the professor's door. He then
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stares at the secretary. Cut to inside office. The professor is sitting at his
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desk, and the thugs are putting down a package.)
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Thug #1: We have a man with a slashed throat, multiple lacerations, and
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bruised organs here. In the truck is a woman cut from chest to
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stomach with a chain saw and a young boy with arsenic
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poisoning. All freshly killed, just like you ordered.
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Professor: Excellent... bring the man into the training lab, and put the
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other two into the freezer over in cadaver storage.
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Thug #1: Very well, sir...
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(Thugs pick up package and leave the room with it. Dissolve to next scene.)
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(Scene: A conference room. Cigarette smoke fills the air. Jim Phelps is
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sitting at a table with Barney, Paris, and Cinnamon. Hugo is also here, guest
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starring as the driver.)
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Hugo: Okay, can we go over the plan one more time?
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Phelps: (Wild look in his eyes) WHAT?! (Stands up) We've been over this
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plan sixteen times now! It's perfectly simple! You still don't
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understand it? You idiot! Get out of here! You're not on this
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mission any more!
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(Hugo's face becomes sullen; he stands up and leaves the room. Phelps looks
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around.)
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Phelps: Right, everyone else understand the plan?
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All: We imagine rightfully so with honor, Jim!
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Phelps: Good! Let's do it!
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(Everyone leaves the room.)
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(Scene: The medical school. Show "Later that night, on the east side of
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town..." caption. All four, dressed in black, are creeping along a dark
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passageway. They come to a lit window, and looking through, they see the
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training lab. It has an operating table with an object covered with a sheet. A
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door in the lab opens, and the professor walks in with two students. They walk
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to the table.)
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Professor: Here is your final assignment. Determine the age of the woman,
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how long she's been dead, and the exact cause of death. I'll be
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back in an hour or so to check up on you.
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(Professor removes the sheet, revealing a woman with a large gash running from
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her chest to her stomach. It's the lady from the zoo. Students get to work.)
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Phelps: (Whispering) This med school is training students with the
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murdered bodies!
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(Suddenly the professor opens a door they hadn't seen and turns on a light.)
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Professor: (Startled) Who the hell are you?
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(All four run down the dark hallway leading to the back alley. Professor blows
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a whistle, and loud footsteps are heard. Finally, Phelps and his team burst
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through the exit door into the dark alley.)
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Phelps: (Looking around wildly) Where the hell is our getaway car?
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Paris: We don't have one.
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Phelps: (Turning to Paris) What are you talking about?
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Paris: Hugo was supposed to drive the getaway car, Jim. You dismissed
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him and didn't tell anyone else to drive.
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Phelps: (Staring blankly) You're kidding...
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(Flood lights switch on from all along the med school wall. Armed men pour out
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of the door, capture Phelps and his team, and march them inside. Professor is
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with them.)
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Phelps: (To Professor) I demand to know where we're being taken!
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Professor: Fine... we're going to use one of you to beat the other three
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to death to see if our students can figure out what the murder
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weapon was. You'll all be used as a final project for our
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graduating seniors.
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(Professor opens a door, and everyone is taken inside, then the door slams.
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Rod Serling, holding a lit cigarette, walks in from left and faces the
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camera.)
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Rod: Jim Phelps... (Professor opens the door and sees Rod) Victim to
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the crime he tried to solve...
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Professor: (Grabbing Rod and pulling him through the doorway) And you can
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join him!
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Rod: (Struggling) Wait! You don't understand! I'm Rod Ser...
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(Door slams. Fade to black. Roll credits.)
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