87 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
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The Szechuan Taxi
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by Dave Bealer
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People who live in genuine rural areas should probably skip this
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article because you won't understand it.
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What's that? You don't know what constitutes a "genuine rural area?"
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Alright, if you can pick up the telephone and have a pizza delivered
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to your home, you DO NOT live in a genuine rural area.
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What kind of definition of genuine rural area is that? An accurate
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one. I grew up in a genuine rural area in northeastern Pennsylvania.
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The closest pizza delivery place would not deliver to our house.
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They would deliver to a parking lot a quarter mile away at the bottom
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of the hill, but they would not set foot (tire, actually) in our
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village.
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Not that it was a dangerous village. It was just that the parking
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lot at the bottom of the hill was the end of their range. The pizza
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shop was six miles away from the parking lot, and six and a quarter
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miles away from our house. Some marketing major at the pizza shop
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had decided that it made sense to extend their delivery range two
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miles through sparsely populated countryside to the entrance to our
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village, but not another quarter mile INTO our village. So the 300
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people of our village had to cool their heels in an empty parking lot
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if they wanted pizza delivered NEAR their homes (the parking lot
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belonged to a defunct business and was typically empty because all
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300 people in the village rarely chose to order pizza at the same
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time).
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The result of all this was that we always went to pick up the pizza.
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We figured that driving six and a quarter miles to pick up the pizza
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was less aggravating than sitting around a cold, dark (but safe)
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parking lot waiting for a pizza delivery person who was always
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running late. We knew for a fact that the person was always late
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because we occasionally had pizza delivered while visiting friends
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who lived within the magic six mile limit.
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Now, are we clear on who lives in a genuine rural area? Good. Maybe
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we can get on with the point of this story.
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Home food delivery is a matter of extreme importance to people living
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in urban and suburban areas. Even realtors have begun to recognize
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this phenomenon. Remember how homes have long been listed in the
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classified "for sale" ads with notations about the wonderful school
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district which serves the area? These days you can find homes
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expected to attract childless singles or couples listed with the
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number and types of home food delivery establishments that serve the
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community.
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Now that I live in a major urban area, there are literally dozens of
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pizza delivery places competing for my business. The coupons these
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outfits pay students to stick on my car windshield and the front door
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of my house each year could paper all the walls in my house several
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times over.
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One of the major factors in the decision to purchase my current home
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was the Chinese restaurant a mile away that actually DELIVERS.
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Imagine that! Not just pizza and subs, but food that actually
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contains mono sodium glutamate, delivered to my door!
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A couple of years ago I found out exactly how useful this kind of
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thing can be. I placed a carry out order with the local Chinese
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restaurant, then went to do some shopping. The plan was to pick up
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the food on the way home. The trouble started when the car wouldn't.
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The car wasn't going anywhere, and it was a cold winter night.
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In a rare moment of inspiration, I carried my groceries one block to
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the Chinese restaurant, walked in, and changed my carry out order to
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delivery. If you think ordering without numbers in a Chinese
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restaurant is an adventure, you should have seen this attempted
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conversation. It's a good thing these people knew me as a regular
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customer. Actually, they took it well. They didn't even call the
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police. Eventually the game of charades ended when they realized I
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didn't have a car. They stuffed me in the aged, rusting econo-box
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they use for deliveries. Amazingly enough, the Szechuan Lo Mein,
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wonton soup, my groceries and I were delivered in good shape. I
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tipped the driver unusually well that night. {RAH}
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--------------
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Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
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works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
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largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
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townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
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writes and electronically publishes Random Access Humor. He can be
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reached at: FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
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