133 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
133 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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THE WORLD'S FASTEST SPIDER
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Copyright, 1991. Andrew Varga
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It was a crisp Autumn morning as I slowly backed out
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of the driveway on my way to work. Having spent the night
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under our only tree, a gargantuan maple, my car was
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heavily laden with multicolored red, yellow, and orange
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leaves.
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I hadn't gone very far when I thought I noticed
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something move in a strange way toward me across the car's
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hood. Not until it had surmounted my windshield did I see
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that it was a big, ugly, black spider, hairy legs and all.
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I hate spiders, and right then and there I decided I
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didn't need a traveling companion that had eight hairy
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legs. The spider had to go.
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In an effort to persuade it to leave, I pushed the
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wiper button. "Dope-dope dope-dope" they went, but that
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fat black creature hung on tenaciously.
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"Well, if I can't shove it off," I said to myself,
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"I'll wash it off." And I pushed another button.
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The heavy spray of washer solution momentarily blurred
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the entire windshield. Some rude driver blasted his horn
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as we passed. I'd have reported him for disturbing the
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peace except that I couldn't see well enough to recognize
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the vehicle.
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As my windshield cleared, I gaped in disbelief. The
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spider was riding behind my wiper like a water skier
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behind a boat!
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I quickly swerved to the left and then to the right.
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I swear, that big ugly sucker looked as though it was
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enjoying the ride!
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"Its either him or me," I muttered and I pushed down
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hard on the accelerator. When I hit sixty, the wind blew
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two of its legs out from under it. At seventy, two more
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went. By the time I was doing eighty-five, the spider was
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hanging on by only one leg.
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"Just a little more and you're history!" I shouted
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triumphantly.
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It was exactly then that I heard the siren. That old
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spider sat right there on my wiper and leered at me as I
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waited at the side of the road for the policeman to walk
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up to the car.
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"Do you know how fast you were going?" he asked me as
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he began writing out the ticket.
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"No sir, I don't," I guiltily replied.
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"Why were you speeding?"
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I looked straight ahead, my mind racing for a
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plausible answer. I figured he wouldn't believe the real
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reason, and a ticket is preferable to a breathalyzer test
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any time.
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I gasped in amazement. The spider -my evidence- was
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gone!
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"Sir, are you all right?" the policeman asked.
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"Ugh, yes, yes, I'm fine. I don't know, officer. I'm
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usually a very careful driver."
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He handed me the ticket. "You can either pay this at
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the courthouse or you can send a check to the Department
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of Motor Vehicles at the state capital. From now on slow
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down and drive carefully."
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I sat waiting as he returned to his car, feeling
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foolish and muttering under my breath, "As soon as he
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leaves, I'm getting the tire iron from the trunk."
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A genuine smile bloomed across my face as I watched
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the policeman turn off the flashers and slowly pull out
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around me.
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It's a good thing he didn't look at me as he passed,
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I was laughing hysterically.
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I almost waved, at my hairy nemesis, perched there on
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top of his hat.
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