112 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
112 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
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Programmer X
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by Greg Borek
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Mr. Noodle, I'm glad you could meet me for lunch.
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Well, Jenkins, I always have time for my managers. Besides, you made
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it sound very important. What's so urgent?
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Now that I have had time to think about it the matter I wanted to
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discuss seems to lose some of its urgency. But the issue is still
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important enough to bring to your attention.
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Why a lunch meeting? Why not just bring this up at the manager's
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weekly meeting?
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I thought you should hear about this yourself first, away from the
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office. I wanted to discuss one of my programmers, Franklin.
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Franklin? One of my star employees. Excellent programmer, good
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fellow, salt of the earth. Wins all kinds of productivity awards,
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doesn't he? What about him?
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I know he writes clear, concise, I dare say perfect code. Always
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gets his work in on time, exactly to specification. Yes, he's a
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wonderful employee, but have you ever actually met him?
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Well, no, but he works the night shift, doesn't he?
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That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Franklin is in my
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department, and I felt that it was about time to meet him face to
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face. Whenever I would send him e-mail to set up a meeting, he
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always came up with a last minute excuse. I accepted his excuses
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initially, but they became too regular, then too contrived. When I
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asked his immediate supervisor, I was surprised to find out that he
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has never met Franklin either. As a matter of fact, no one has.
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How can that be? Some one must have hired him.
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Apparently everyone thought someone else had recruited, interviewed,
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and hired him. Curious, I wanted to investigate his personal life.
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Why? That's a bit irregular, isn't it? Maybe he's just eccentric,
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a hermit or something. As long as his work is excellent, I don't
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think we should bother him. Hm. You don't suppose one of the other
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employees is acting like a programmer?
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No, I thought of that. They are all too busy with their own work,
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and besides no one else has his genius for clarity. I thought I
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might see him on payday when he picks up his paycheck, but he has
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direct deposit. I decided I would drop in on him at home. I got his
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address from personnel and visited his apartment building. I asked
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the apartment manager about Franklin and he said that he has never
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met him in person, that all of their business is conducted over the
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telephone. Although he never met him personally, Franklin's an
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excellent tenant: quiet, always pays the rent on time, no complaints.
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The manager didn't think it was odd no one ever saw Franklin because
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of the hours he keeps. When I went to the apartment, you'll be
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amazed at what I found.
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What?
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Absolutely nothing. The apartment is just a front. I resolved to
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get to the bottom of this by surprising Franklin at the office. I
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decided I would come in at night unannounced and confront him. I
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came in one night and waited. He never showed. Of course, he may
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have been sick. The thing is the next day, his work was done and he
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had e-mailed several people during that time.
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Could he be remotely accessing our computers?
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Not possible, sir. The security we have set up doesn't allow access
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from outside the building. I decided to go back the next night and
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search the building for him. When I couldn't find him, I decided to
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get drastic. Since no one else was in the building, I went outside
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and turned on the alarms. If he was anywhere in the building he
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would set off the motion detectors.
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Did he?
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No. Sir, what I am going to tell you may sound fantastic but it can
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be the only explanation. Your star employee doesn't exist.
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What? That is ridiculous. Someone has to be writing his code.
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No sir, after careful study of network activity logs, computer CPU
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usage, security files, and Christmas party attendance sheets, I can
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only conclude that what we have here is a virtual employee.
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A what?
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Although Mr. Franklin is one of our best and most productive
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employees, he is actually nothing more than a computer program that
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is masquerading as a person. This is the only conclusion that can be
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drawn after studying all of the facts.
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What do you propose we do?
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Absolutely nothing. {RAH}
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--------------
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
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Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
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He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
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Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
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around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
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Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
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write in BASIC, at least after the age of 12.
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