115 lines
6.7 KiB
ArmAsm
115 lines
6.7 KiB
ArmAsm
ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ
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°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°MAN'S BEST FRIEND°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°Marty Weiss
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ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß
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Oliver, my Black Labrador Retriever, and I were alone,
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watching Mr. Ed on a late night cable station. At a commercial
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break, Oliver lifted his head and said, clear as a bell, "Do we
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have any of those dog bones that remove tartar?"
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As surprised as I was to hear a dog talk, I calmly managed
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to answer as if he spoke all the time. "No," I replied, "but
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I'll get some tomorrow."
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"While you're at it," he continued, "pick up some Snausages
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doggie snacks. The French poodle in their commercial is really
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cute."
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Making the most out of this extraordinary opportunity, I
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asked him some questions. "OK, Oliver, but first you have to tell
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me a few things. You've been my dog for some time now, and I
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still don't understand your behavior."
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"Fire away," he said, wagging his heavy otter-like tail.
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"Almost every night when I let you out in the back yard, you
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chase a rabbit that runs under the fence before you get within
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ten feet. You weigh one hundred pounds and aren't very fast. Why
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do you chase the rabbit when you haven't a prayer of catching
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it?"
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"Because it's there. Why else? Did you ever stop to wonder
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why that stupid bunny waits around, knowing I'll chase him? Let
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me put it another way - why do you play tennis when you can't get
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to half the shots on the court?"
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"Well, that's quite different. It's a sport and a healthy
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activity. I enjoy the chall.... Oh, now I understand."
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Oliver gave a big yawn, then vigorously scratched his neck.
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"Did I ever tell you how much this collar drives me crazy? I can
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never scratch underneath where it really itches. And another
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thing, whenever I walk around, the sound of my dog tags banging
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together drives me crazy. How would you like to hear that
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clinking noise day and night your entire life."
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I reached over with both hands and gave him a good
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scratching and rub on his neck - under his collar and around his
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ears. "Sorry, but it's the law. You have to wear them."
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"Ahhh," he groaned contentedly. "When you rub my ears like
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that I can forgive you almost anything."
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"I'm glad you enjoy it, Oliver. It makes me feel good to pet
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you too. May I ask you a question about your personal hygiene?"
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"Sure, if you're not crude about it. Go ahead," the dog
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replied, sniffing his right paw. "I've never tried to hide
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anything."
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"Yes, we've noticed that. Why was it so difficult to house
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break you? It seemed to take forever for you to learn about going
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outside and not on the carpet or the potted plant in the
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hallway."
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Oliver stood up and vigorously shook his entire body,
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sending out a shower of black, shedding fur. "It's your fault,
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not mine," he answered. "I kept waiting for you to show me how to
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use that cold, white chair thing in the small room everyone else
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uses. One day while you were at work, I learned how to push the
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shiny handle with my nose and make the water flush, but I never
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could figure out those two hinged covers - one down, one up, both
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up - it was very confusing."
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"Never mind. You're doing fine now. It's been months since
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you've had an accident."
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Oliver walked to his water bowl and lapped away for several
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seconds before speaking again.
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"I remember that. It was last Memorial Day. You and the
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family left the house about 10 AM and didn't come back until
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almost Midnight. Just what do you think I am, a miracle dog? I
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waited hours, until I couldn't wait any longer. At least I used
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the room with the tile floor instead of the den carpet."
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"Yes, well, I guess we did leave you alone too long. I'm
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sorry Oliver."
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"My gosh, the way you humans carried on that night. You'd
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think you had never heard of Bounty paper towels and a little Mr.
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Clean."
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"I said I apologize. What more do you want?"
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"Besides," the dog continued angrily, "I heard your mom brag
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about you being completely toilet-trained when you were two years
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old. Big deal! I learned by the time I was a four-month old
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puppy."
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"Alright! You win. I'm sorry I brought the whole thing up in
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the first place."
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"Can I ask you a question now?"
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"Oliver, it's *may* I ask you a question now. If you are
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going to speak, the least you can do is to use proper grammar."
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"Don't get technical. Just tell me this. What did you and
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the wife mean when you talked about neutering me? I didn't like
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the way that sounded or the way you sort of twitched when she
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said it. What's that word "neuter" mean?"
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I really wasn't prepared to discuss this topic with Oliver
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now or at any time. "Forget it,"I answered. "It's nothing very
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important."
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"OK, if you say so, but that word gives me the chills."
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"Don't worry about it, Oliver. One thing, though. I wish you
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would be more careful where you stick your nose when visitors
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come to the house. What you do is very embarrassing to them."
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Oliver seemed to think a moment before answering. "Look," he
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replied, "it's all a matter of geometry and angles."
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"What are you talking about?" I responded.
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"Think about it," he said. "I'm what, about two feet tall at
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the shoulders, and my head is another foot or so higher? So, when
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I look up at a stranger, my nose is... well, it's where the rules
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of geometry are going to put it."
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I shook my head in comprehension. "Yes, I can see that now.
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I never thought about it from that angle, er... point of view."
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Oliver stretched his body and looked over at the TV set.
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"It's getting late. Mr. Ed is over and I'm not in the mood to
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watch a half-hour car wax commercial. Let's call it a night. OK?"
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I turned off the TV and the floor lamp. "OK, pal. Let's go
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to bed."
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Oliver hesitated at the steps. "Just a minute. Before we go
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to sleep, how about opening the back door and letting me take
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another try at that darn rabbit? I'm sure if I fake left with my
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head and then make a quick zag to the right, I should be able
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to...."
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-end-
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Copyright (c)1991 Marty Weiss
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