7597 lines
406 KiB
Plaintext
7597 lines
406 KiB
Plaintext
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REVOLT OF THE CYBERSLAVES
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By Lawrence Dworin
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Copyright 1991 by Lawrence Dworin
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********************************************
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**SHAREWARE**
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This book has been electronically published
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under the "Shareware" concept. If you read
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and enjoy this book, a contribution of $10.00,
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or any amount, would be greatly appreciated.
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Please send it to to:
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Lawrence Dworin
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P.O. Box 413
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Durand, MI 48429
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Your comments, criticisms, and suggestions are
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also welcome.
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Thank you.
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********************************************
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CHAPTER 1
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"Um, It's not exactly what I had in mind!"
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Ernie Ross looked ruefully at his imitation fur loincloth and
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flimsy plastic broadsword. "Um, I sort of thought...."
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The girl behind the counter gave Ernie a sour look. "You
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wanted to play the `Goombah the Barbarian' Virtual Reality Game,
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right?"
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"Uh, yeah," Ernie replied.
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The girl examined a sheet of paper, cracking her gum loudly.
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"In that case, you have to wear the fur loincloth and carry the
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plastic broadsword. It says so right here."
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Ernie thought about this. "Well, in the ad it said that
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playing the game would be just like being Goombah the Barbarian.
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There'd be monsters and wizards and everything, just like the
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movie!"
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"That's correct," replied the girl. "Here at the Virtual
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Arcade, we offer simulated reality games of just about any popular
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character or story line. Our huge mainframe computers allow us to
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synthesize any reality in amazingly high resolution, allowing us to
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believably create stories in which YOU can be the main character.
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You can step into the role of a commando, a swashbuckler, a space
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traveler, just about anything that any popular movie or book has
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featured recently. You can act out the role of your favorite
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character, doing anything that character could. You can actually BE
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your favorite fictional character! You can live out your fantasies,
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for only a few dollars a minute!" She seemed to reading from a
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prepared statement.
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"Well..." Ernie was still unsure. He had heard that these
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games were tremendous fun. They had become very popular in the last
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few years. You could now find a Virtual Arcade at just about any
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major shopping mall (they were franchised). Of course, you had to
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pay through the nose to play, but nobody seemed to mind. They were
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just so much FUN...
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"I still feel silly wearing this fur loincloth and carrying
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this big plastic sword," complained Ernie.
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"That's what Goombah wears in the movie, isn't it?" the girl
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said, looking bored.
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"Well..."
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The girl looked at the clock. "If you don't want to play
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GOOMBAH THE BARBARIAN, I can let you play KILLER LESBIANS FROM
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OUTER SPACE instead. I've got a game starting in ten minutes."
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"No, no, that's okay," Ernie protested.
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A chime sounded. "Your game starts in five minutes!" The girl
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warned Ernie, fluffing her hair absently.
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Well, I guess I'm stuck with this, Ernie thought. I paid my
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$47.95; and there's no refund. I hope this turns out to be worth
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the money. Ernie was, after all, just a college student, and didn't
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have money to burn.
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The chime sounded, again, this time more urgently. "Second
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door on your right," the girl said brightly.
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This is not starting off well at all, Ernie thought, as he
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headed down the hallway. If this doesn't improve real quick, I'm
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going to file a complaint, or something.
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Ernie entered a small cubicle. A technician sat him down in a
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large, comfortable reclining chair, and fitted him with the stereo
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goggles and headset that made Virtual Reality come alive. He even
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added the latest refinement: tactile sensation electrodes, which he
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glued to Ernie's body at strategic locations.
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As Ernie settled into the new visions and sensations that
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awaited him, he began to feel somewhat better. There before him was
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the mysterious landscape that Goombah inhabited in the movies, full
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of forbidding crags and castles shaped like skulls. Of course, none
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of it was actually there, but the illusion was amazingly realistic.
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It was hard to believe it was all just synthesized artificial
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reality. Ernie was impressed. Maybe this will be okay after all, he
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thought. He unsheathed his huge plastic broadsword, preparing to be
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attacked by dragons, wizards, or any of the other fearsome
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mythological characters that Goombah customarily battled.
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Suddenly, Ernie heard a loud, high-pitched bark. He looked
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down and saw a little white dog with a black spot over one eye. The
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dos looked up at him expectantly. Ernie was not prepared for
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something like this. I'm supposed to be Goombah the Barbarian, he
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thought. Goombah does not have any silly little dog!
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The dog suddenly jumped up into Ernie's arms. He caught it
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automatically. It peered up into his face, as though expecting him
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to do something.
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"This has got to be a mistake", said Ernie to himself
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exasperatedly. "This dog must be from somebody else's game. What am
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I gonna do with him?"
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Before he could think about the problem any further, a bright
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light in the sky attracted Ernie's attention. Here it comes, he
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thought, gripping his broadsword tightly. What will it be, a demon,
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a flying dragon? Ernie strained his eyes. It's...a flying saucer?
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Sure enough, it was a flying saucer, looking as though it had come
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straight from an old 1950's science-fiction movie. Ernie was taken
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aback. There weren't supposed to be any flying saucers in Goombah
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the Barbarian!
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The flying saucer quickly landed a few yards in front of
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Ernie, and two space creatures emerged. They seemed to be some kind
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of humanoid reptiles. They reminded Ernie of giant iguanas. The dog
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under Ernie's arm wriggled uncomfortably.
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Ernie frowned. Space creatures? he thought. What am I supposed
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to do with space creatures? This isn't what I was expecting at all!
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Ernie frowned. What kind of game is this, anyway?! The creatures
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began approaching Ernie.
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Maybe I'm supposed to say something, he considered. Suddenly,
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an idea occurred to him. He drew himself up to his full height.
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"Klaatu barada nikto!" he announced.
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One of the space creatures pulled out a ray gun and pointed it
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at him. Hmm, thought Ernie. Maybe that wasn't quite the right thing
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to say. It occurred to Ernie that a strategic retreat might be a
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good idea. He looked around quickly. Unfortunately, the landscape
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of swirling mists and forbidding hills didn't seem to contain
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anyplace to retreat to.
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Ernie turned back to the creatures. "Look, uh, what I said
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about Klaatu, I didn't really mean..." The creature fired. Ernie
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felt himself suddenly stiffen into immobility.
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"It's stunned, sir," Ernie heard one creature say to the
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other.
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"Good, load it onto the ship." The two creatures lifted Ernie,
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who had become stiff as a board, and began carrying him, dog and
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all, toward the ship.
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In spite of himself, Ernie was impressed. These special
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effects are fantastic, he thought. I wonder how they do that
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Stunner business?
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Suddenly, a costumed comic-book character appeared, complete
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with flowing cape and a big, red `M' on his chest. He blocked the
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aliens' path. "Unhand that barbarian!" the comic-book character
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boomed.
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The space creature looked at each other in confusion. "Unhand?
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What does that mean? Are we supposed to cut off his hands?"
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The comic-book character looked exasperated. "Look, just put
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him down, okay?" he said, in a much more conversational tone.
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"Put him down? Put him down?" One space creature looked at the
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other. "What do we do now, sir?"
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"Oh, I don't know", the other creature replied. "Just
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disintegrate him, I guess." They drew their weapons.
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The comic-book character looked confused. "Um..uh.." The
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creatures advanced menacingly.
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Suddenly, the comic-book character shouted what seemed to
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Ernie to be a very odd thing. "JMP 08F1!"
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Instantly, the entire scene vanished. Ernie, still stiff and
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board-like, found himself unsupported, and dropped three feet to
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land with a thud on a carpeted floor. "Hi guy!" Ernie heard someone
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say. "Howya doin'?"
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Ernie attempted to moan, but discovered that he was still
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quite securely frozen. "Here, let me help you up," he heard the
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same voice say. The room swung into view as he felt himself lifted
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up and placed on his feet like a statue. He seemed to be in
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someone's living room.
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The owner of the voice came into view. It was the comic-book
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character, who in the cold light of day appeared to be a pleasant,
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although rather vacuous-looking fellow of indeterminate age. "Allow
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me to introduce myself," he said cheerfully. "I'm Captain Memory!"
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He extended a hand. Ernie instinctively attempted to shake the
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man's hand, but discovered he was still quite frozen. It occurred
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to him that he was still carrying the silly little dog, which was
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also frozen.
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The man dropped his outstretched hand embarrassedly. "Hey, I
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forgot," he said cheerfully. "You're still paralyzed! Hey, no
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sweat! It'll wear off in a few minutes!" The man seated himself on
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a nearby sofa and began perusing a small book he had produced from
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somewhere. Ernie, of course, continued to stand where he was,
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immobilized.
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This is a really weird game, Ernie thought. The special
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effects are fantastic, but the story line is bizarre. Like, what am
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I supposed to do now?
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After about fifteen minutes, Ernie's little finger began to
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twitch. The twitching slowly spread across his hand. Finally, with
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great effort, Ernie was able to take a step towards the comic-book
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character, who was still seated on the sofa, reading his book.
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The comic-book character looked up. "Ah, it's wearing off!"
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he said. "Are you feeling okay?'
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"Ungph", said Ernie, discovering that the power of speech was
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slowly returning to him.
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Captain Memory took that to mean "yes". "Good, good," he
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replied in a cheerful tone.
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"Wharf gumg om?" Ernie got out with difficulty.
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"You're probably wondering what's going on."
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"Yarf!"
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Ernie felt something sharp digging into his side. It was the
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little dog, trying to get away. Unfortunately, that arm had not
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unfrozen yet.
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Ernie's ability to speak seemed to have returned. "All right,
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so what IS going on?"
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"I had to rescue you from those creatures," Captain Memory
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explained. "They were taking you to be a Cyberslave in the mining
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pits."
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Ernie frowned. "What's a Cyberslave?"
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Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "They were going to force
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you to operate mining robots, like so many other poor fools before
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you. Like you, they thought they were going to play a game. The
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next thing they knew, they were forced into a life of virtual hard
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labor, operating mining robots 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, until
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finally their bodies shrivelled up and their brains burned out." He
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sighed. "I was too late for most of them, but at least I could save
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the two of you!"
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Ernie shivered. Some of this was beginning to seem a little
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too real. "Man, this is a really strange game!" he said. "I'm not
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complaining, mind you! I mean, the special effects alone make it
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worth the money!" He looked around. He seemed to be in a huge
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living room, all decorated in 1950's style. It all seemed very
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solid and believable. Ernie couldn't help being impressed. "I mean,
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this is, like, SO realistic! It's just that I'm having a real hard
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time following the story! Like, what is supposed to be happening in
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this game, anyway?"
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Captain Memory sighed. "Look, I'm trying to explain this to
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you. It's NOT a game, okay? That game business was just a ruse. It
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was a trap to get you to come in and hook yourself up to their
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Virtual Reality system. Once you're in, you can't get out! They
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turn you into a Cyberslave, and make you work until your brain
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burns up!"
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"Oh, right," Ernie caught himself. "I get it. You're not
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supposed to admit it's a game. You're supposed to pretend it's
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real. Okay, I'll play along. So, what now?"
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Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "I can see this isn't
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going to be easy." He thought a moment. "Okay, if this is a game,
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you should be able to quit any time you like, right?"
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"Uh, yeah." This was beginning to make Ernie uneasy.
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"So, how do you quit?" the Captain demanded. "Where's the ESC
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button, or BREAK or whatever? HOW do you get out?"
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Ernie suddenly realized that he hadn't been given any
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information on what to do when he wanted to quit playing. "Uh,
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well, I can quit anytime I want," he said defensively.
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"Okay; try!" Captain Memory demanded.
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Ernie shuffled uncomfortably. "Well, maybe I'm not ready to
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quit yet!"
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"Try it, just to see what happens!" the Captain urged.
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"Well", Ernie considered. "It looks like I got into the wrong
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game here. I wanted to play GOOMBAH THE BARBARIAN. I mean, no
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offense, this is a cool game and everything, but I really wanted to
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play GOOMBAH!"
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Captain Memory looked upset. "This really isn't a game!"
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Ernie sighed. "I'll tell you what. I'll just give up on this
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for today, and I'll try again a week from Thursday, okay? So, I'll
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just be heading home now, okay?"
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"Great!" said the Captain enthusiastically. "Just quit right
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now, okay?"
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"Well, okay," Ernie agreed halfheartedly. He tried to think of
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what to do. "Hello!" he called up into the air. "Is anybody there?
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I'd like to go now!" Nothing happened.
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Ernie's heart began to pound. "Hey, c'mon! Isn't anybody
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listening to me? I said `I wanna GO!'" No response.
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This was beginning to be more than Ernie felt he could deal
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with."Look, I'm not asking for my money back, or anything. I'll,
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you know, try again some other time. I just want to go home, okay?"
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No answer.
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Now Ernie really DID want to go! He began to panic. "Hey,
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isn't anybody out there!? WAKE UP!! I don't wanna play anymore! I
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wanna go home!" He wailed, "I WANT MY MOMMY!!" Nothing!
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"All right, all right, calm down!" Captain Memory tried to
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soothe Ernie. "We'll get you out of here! It's just going to
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take...a little time!"
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Ernie's left arm unfroze convulsively, dumping the little dog
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on the floor. It growled unpleasantly. "Why can't you get me out of
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here NOW?" he demanded petulantly.
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The Captain shrugged. "Hey, I don't run this show! I was lucky
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I could even get you away from those creatures! Getting out is
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another story altogether!"
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"Oh, this is awful!" Ernie wailed. He still wasn't entirely
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sure whether this was a game or not, but whatever it was, he didn't
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like it anymore!
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"Maybe you'd better sit down." Captain Memory moved over to
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one side of the sofa. Ernie decided that sitting down was probably
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a good idea, and did so. This was beginning to get altogether too
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real. "Anyway, it could be worse!"
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"How?" Ernie moaned.
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"You could be like that poor guy over there," the Captain
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said, gesturing towards the dog.
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"I don't need your sympathy," the dog snapped.
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Ernie started. "A talking dog! This is unbelievable! What
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next?"
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"Yeah, yeah", the dog snarled. "Believe me, you don't look so
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hot in that ridiculous fur loincloth either! Goombah the Barbarian!
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I'm sure!" The dog pulled a cigar out of some invisible pocket and
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began to smoke it, holding it in his front paw in a very un-canine
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manner.
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Ernie was suddenly very conscious of his loincloth. He looked
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at the dog. "What..what...?"
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"See what I mean?" the Captain gestured towards the dog. "In
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Virtual Reality, you can be anybody, or anything! You're lucky you
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came through as yourself! You could have wound up like him, as a
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dog!"
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The dog made a wry expression. "Yeah, right. Or like YOU!" He
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looked the Captain up and down. "A super hero?" he said
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sarcastically.
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Captain Memory seemed nonplussed. "Well...what's wrong with
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that?"
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"I'm sure!" the replied. "Okay, what super powers have you
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got?"
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The Captain seemed defensive. "Well, I do have some powers!"
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"Like what?"
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"Well..." the Captain thought a moment. "Like, I program in
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Assembler, and he doesn't!"
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"Wait a minute!" Ernie was confused. "WHO doesn't?"
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"Why, the man behind all this, of course," the Captain
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explained. "The evil genius, Waldo Stadium!"
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"Oh, I get it!" Ernie brightened. "This really is a game,
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right?"
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Captain Memory sighed exasperatedly. "Look, for the last time,
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this is NOT a game. The evil genius, Waldo Stadium, has embarked on
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a plan to take over the entire world's computing power. He's been
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breaking into people's systems one at a time, taking control of
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them, and linking them to his other systems to create a vast
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network that grows more powerful all the time. When he takes over
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a system, he establishes complete control over anything and anybody
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that happens to be in it at the time. That's how you fell into his
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clutches. He's taken over the Virtual Arcades; anyone who was
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playing a Virtual Reality games there is now his Cyberslave!"
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"Oh, man!" Ernie sank his head into his hands. This was just
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too much to handle! Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "So, how
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did we get here, anyway?" He gestured to the room around them.
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Captain Memory pulled himself up to his full height. "I
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brought you here!" he said proudly. He turned to the dog. "See, I
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told you I had powers!"
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"Great," said the dog sarcastically. "So where are we,
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anyway?"
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"We're in Virtual Reality," the Captain explained. "You know,
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Cyberspace."
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"Wait a minute," Ernie was finding this all hard to follow.
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"If we're still in the computer, doesn't that mean that this guy
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Waldo Supermarket has control over us?"
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"Stadium", Captain Memory corrected.
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"Whatever," Ernie said exasperatedly. "What about my question?
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Who's in control here?"
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"Ah, that the beauty of it," explained the Captain, warming to
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his subject. "He's been taking over systems so fast that he can't
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keep track of them. He doesn't even know what he's got! Remember,
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when he takes over a system, he gets EVERYTHING that was in it.
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He's got games, spreadsheets, database files, and hundreds of
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different Virtual Realities, all mixed together in no order! That's
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what gives us our window of opportunity. We can hide out in areas
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he doesn't even know he's got, until we figure out how to bring
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this diabolical scheme to a halt!"
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Ernie thought about this. "Okay, we're in Cyberspace."
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"Right."
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"But where in Cyberspace?"
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The Captain slumped. "Well....I don't exactly know."
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The dog snickered. "Some super hero!"
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"Well, well, I was under a lot of pressure!" The Captain said
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defensively. "Those creatures would have had you in another second!
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So, I just picked a location at random and JUMPed to it!"
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"You JUMPed to it?" Ernie was confused. "How do you do that?"
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"That's the beauty of Assembler," the Captain answered
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enthusiastically. "You can do stuff like that! Now, with a high-
|
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level language, you'd never be able to do stuff like that. You can
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only do what the language says you can do. In Assembler, you can do
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ANYTHING." Captain Memory chuckled. "That's Waldo's weak point. He
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refuses to learn Assembler. He insists you can do all this stuff in
|
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C, or whatever language he using now. Well, we'll show..."
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Suddenly, the dog broke in. "At RANDOM!?" he barked. "You
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JUMPed at RANDOM?!!!"
|
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"Well..." the Captain was taken aback.
|
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"You mean," the dog continued. "We could have wound up in the
|
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middle of a SPREADSHEET!!?"
|
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Ernie tried to imagine life in a spreadsheet. It didn't sound
|
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too appealing.
|
||
"It was a chance I had to take," Captain Memory explained
|
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defensively.
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"Great," the dog snarled. "You take chances with our lives!"
|
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"Okay, okay," the Captain said placatingly. "I've got a better
|
||
location." He rummaged furiously through the pockets in his
|
||
costume. "I wrote it down; it's here somewhere." he continued
|
||
searching. "Um, no, um AHA!" He brandished a small slip of paper in
|
||
the air. "Here it is!" He read the paper aloud. "It's: INSPECTED BY
|
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NO. 42!"
|
||
"Some super hero!" the dog repeated.
|
||
The Captain frowned. "Well, maybe that's not the right one!"
|
||
He continued to rummage through his pockets. "I'm sure I had it
|
||
here somewhere!"
|
||
Ernie looked askance at the comic-book character. "You don't
|
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REMEMBER it?"
|
||
Captain Memory fidgeted uncomfortably. "Hey, it's not easy to
|
||
remember a long string of numbers in Hex, you know! I'm doing the
|
||
best I can!"
|
||
Ernie moaned quietly. This was all giving him a terrible
|
||
headache. Suddenly a thought occurred to him. "Hey, this is all
|
||
really just a game, right?
|
||
Captain Memory looked annoyed. "No, it is not a game. It never
|
||
was a game. Will you PLEASE stop saying that!"
|
||
Ernie moaned quietly. Captain Memory glanced at his wrist.
|
||
"We'd better hurry. We're running out of time."
|
||
Ernie looked up. "You don't have a watch," he said
|
||
suspiciously.
|
||
Captain Memory continued to look at his bare wrist. "Well,
|
||
no," he said, a bit crestfallen. "I always wanted one, though."
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Can't we just stay here? It's nice
|
||
here." They seemed to be in a very large living room of a well-kept
|
||
home. It appeared to be furnished in Fabulous Fifties style, except
|
||
for a few odd objects that Ernie couldn't identify.
|
||
"We can't stay in one place to long," replied Captain Memory.
|
||
"Waldo Stadium is sorting his data as fast as he can. If we stay in
|
||
one place too long, sooner or later he'll zero in on us. Anyway,"
|
||
Captain Memory looked around. "This place is beginning to look kind
|
||
of familiar to me. If I'm right, this isn't a safe place to be!"
|
||
"Okay, then where are we?" the dog demanded.
|
||
"I think we've landed in a game called `ATTACK OF THE GIANT
|
||
EGGPLANT.' If I'm right, this place is going to be nuked in" he
|
||
glanced at his bare wrist again, "oh, forty-five minutes or so."
|
||
Ernie began to be aware of a queasy feeling in the pit of his
|
||
stomach. This is making me anxious, he thought. I'm not going to do
|
||
things like this anymore. That's it, no more Virtual Reality for
|
||
me.
|
||
"Maybe you'd like to watch some TV," Captain Memory suggested
|
||
cheerfully. "Maybe that would make you feel better."
|
||
"I thought we were in a hurry," Ernie answered.
|
||
"We can watch for a couple minutes," the Captain replied.
|
||
I guess that makes as much sense as anything else, Ernie
|
||
thought, and followed the Captain towards the other end of the
|
||
room, where he noticed a television with a ten-foot-wide screen
|
||
playing with the sound turned off.
|
||
As they approached the television Ernie noticed a large, high-
|
||
backed '50's-style sofa positioned close in front of the TV. As
|
||
they came around the side of the sofa Ernie was startled to see two
|
||
people sitting there, staring intently at the television screen.
|
||
"Hey!" Ernie uttered involuntarily.
|
||
The two people seemed oblivious to Ernie's presence. "Um,
|
||
hello?" Ernie said tentatively. "Excuse me?" The people did not
|
||
respond.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "It's too late for them, I'm afraid."
|
||
Ernie moaned. "I wished you'd stop saying depressing things.
|
||
It makes my stomach hurt."
|
||
"Oh, sorry." Captain Memory seemed concerned. "Um, how about
|
||
`It's too late for them, I'm pleased to say?'"
|
||
"That's not much better."
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Hey, I tried." He fell silent.
|
||
Ernie looked at the people. They seemed frozen into position,
|
||
staring at the television. They seemed emaciated; their muscles
|
||
seemed to have withered in the positions they were in. "Okay, so
|
||
what's wrong with them?"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head. "They've been in Cyberspace too
|
||
long," he said sadly. "There's a limit to how much of this you can
|
||
take, you know. Your brain burns out. I don't think these two have
|
||
much longer. All they can do is sit here in front of the TV."
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Terrible, just terrible. Look at them; they
|
||
can't even change channels anymore."
|
||
Ernie shuddered. This is gruesome, he thought. I think it's
|
||
bad for me to look at gruesome things.
|
||
"Oh well," Captain Memory brightened. "Can't be helped." The
|
||
Captain unceremoniously pushed the stricken couple off the sofa.
|
||
They fell stiffly to the floor, motionless except for their eyes,
|
||
which rotated to stay fixed on the television screen. Captain
|
||
Memory seated himself as comfortably as possible on the sofa. "So,
|
||
what do you want to watch?"
|
||
They heard a voice behind them. "Crap!" The dog was looking
|
||
ruefully at his half-burned cigar and cursing quietly.
|
||
"What's the matter?" Captain Memory inquired cheerfully.
|
||
"I'm almost out of cigars," the dog groused. "Here I am stuck
|
||
in this stupid pointless computer game, and I can't even get a
|
||
decent cigar."
|
||
"Well, maybe we can get you some more, uh, what was your name
|
||
again?" The Captain inquired.
|
||
"Sterno." The dog intoned pompously.
|
||
"Sterno?" said Ernie dubiously. "What kind of a name is that?
|
||
Sterno is those little cans of heating stuff."
|
||
"I'll have you know that I am Lord High Keeper of the Sacred
|
||
Flame. Why, in better days...."
|
||
"Oh, I remember now!" the Captain broke in brightly. "That's
|
||
a game called `DOG STAR'! You must have been playing it when Waldo
|
||
took over your system! That's why you're trapped in the body of a
|
||
dog!"
|
||
Sterno was taken aback. "Uh, well, yeah, I was..."
|
||
"Lord High Keeper of the Sacred Flame, huh?" the Captain
|
||
continued. "You were doing pretty good!"
|
||
Sterno brightened. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact..."
|
||
"Wanna watch `Stump the Stars'?" Captain Memory said to Ernie,
|
||
cutting off Sterno's tales of past glory.
|
||
"What's that about?" inquired Ernie.
|
||
"It's this game show where famous Hollywood celebrities have
|
||
to answer these questions, and if they get them wrong, they get
|
||
their arms and legs chopped off. Stumps, get it?" Captain Memory
|
||
laughed.
|
||
Ernie frowned. "I don't like these new game shows." He glanced
|
||
at the television. The program seemed to be a game show. The MC was
|
||
an unpleasant looking man wearing a black military uniform with
|
||
skulls on the collar. He wore a monocle in his left eye, and
|
||
carried a riding crop, which he periodically cracked against his
|
||
jackboots.
|
||
"Oh, it's one of those sadistic Nazi game show hosts," said
|
||
Ernie. "Isn't there anything else on?"
|
||
Captain Memory was paging through a copy of TV Guide. "Doesn't
|
||
look like there's anything on except game shows. How about `Vomit
|
||
for Dollars'?"
|
||
Ernie grimaced.
|
||
"Here's a movie," the Captain continued. "How about `The
|
||
Humpback of Notre Dame', starring Ronald Reagan? You know, the one
|
||
about the whale that plays football?"
|
||
Ernie sighed. "What's this we're watching now?"
|
||
"I don't know." Captain Memory reached for a dial. "Let's turn
|
||
up the volume and find out."
|
||
The off-camera announcer's voice came blasting out off the
|
||
set, painfully loud. "... time for Wheel of Torture! The show which
|
||
every week asks the question: How much can you take?"
|
||
The sound of applause welled up from the audience.
|
||
"And here's our host," the announcer continued. "The Gestapo's
|
||
greatest, that famous fiend, Sturmbannfuhrer Dr. Heinz von
|
||
Liederkranz!"
|
||
Once again the sound of applause welled up. The sound seemed
|
||
to be growing impossibly loud. In fact, it seemed to be coming from
|
||
all around them.
|
||
|
||
The game show host smiled and bowed to the audience. "Tank
|
||
you, tank you!"
|
||
"Now, let's drag in today's first victim!" The announcer
|
||
continued. "From Palo Alto, California, let's have a big
|
||
round of applause for: CAPTAIN MEMORY!"
|
||
The huge waves of applause filled Ernie's head, blocking out
|
||
everything else. He clenched his eyes tightly, trying to regain his
|
||
composure. He opened them again, and staggered back in shock. They
|
||
were no longer in the suburban living room. They were actually
|
||
standing on the stage that they had been watching only seconds
|
||
before. They had actually been sucked INTO the game show!
|
||
Captain Memory seemed confused. "Hey, uh, wait a minute. I
|
||
didn't..."
|
||
The announcer continued. "And here's contestant number two!
|
||
From the Land that Time Forgets, let's have a big hand for:
|
||
Goombah the Barbarian!"
|
||
Ernie realized that they meant him. A Nazi SS trooper grabbed
|
||
him, and shoved him roughly forward. "Hey, lemme go...ow. Look.
|
||
I'm not supposed..."
|
||
"Say, I just LOVE your loincloth!", the announcer quipped.
|
||
Ernie could hear the audience laughing. He began to feel
|
||
terribly self-conscious.
|
||
"And what a CUTE little dog!" the announcer went on.
|
||
Sterno didn't seem to be particularly bothered by the state of
|
||
affairs. "Say, you got a cigar?"
|
||
"Why SURE!" The announcer handed him one. The audience
|
||
chuckled.
|
||
The announcer continued. "Well, all RIGHT then! Dr. von
|
||
Liederkranz, what are we going to start out with today?"
|
||
The Nazi smiled theatrically. "Vell, Biff, I tought I'd shtart
|
||
out vit a liddle infention of mein own: de Hot Vhirling Corshcrew!"
|
||
He pulled out a fiendish-looking device, made of glowing, whirling
|
||
metal parts. Without warning, he jabbed Captain Memory with it. The
|
||
Captain let out a blood-curdling shriek.
|
||
The audience applauded wildly.
|
||
"VERY good!" The announcer exclaimed jovially. "Now, let's see
|
||
how that rated on our applause meter. A 57! Well, that's..."
|
||
"Forget this!" shouted Captain Memory. "JMP 08F1!"
|
||
Suddenly, Ernie found himself back on the porcelain sofa. The
|
||
TV was now off. Ernie was trembling. "Wha...what happened?"
|
||
Captain Memory was rubbing his side ruefully. "Oh, I JUMPed us
|
||
back here. I really didn't like that Hot Whirling Corkscrew!"
|
||
"Good cigar, though." Sterno added, puffing away. The cigar
|
||
seemed to have improved his disposition somewhat.
|
||
"I...I don't understand," Ernie whined.
|
||
"You know how in a lot of computer games there's these little
|
||
doors or windows or something, and when you step through them
|
||
you're on a whole different level?" Captain Memory asked.
|
||
"Yeah?" Ernie replied tentatively.
|
||
"Well," the Captain gestured towards the TV. "That's one of
|
||
them!"
|
||
Ernie noticed an odd smell. He glanced towards the floor. The
|
||
two shrivelled people were...vibrating. Wisps of smoke seemed to be
|
||
coming out of their ears.
|
||
"Oh, I forgot," said the Captain. "You're never supposed to
|
||
turn the TV off on these people. Something bad happens... I forget
|
||
exactly what, but it's real bad."
|
||
Ernie continued to watch the couple in horror. The smoke was
|
||
coming more heavily new. Their foreheads seemed to be bulging.
|
||
"What...what are we gonna do?" Ernie choked out.
|
||
Captain Memory regarded his bare wrist carefully. "Some day
|
||
I'm gonna get a watch," he said thoughtfully.
|
||
"I really think we ought to do something," said Ernie
|
||
anxiously. Smoke was coming out of their noses now. Light seemed to
|
||
be appearing behind their eyes.
|
||
"A silver watch might be nice. Do you think silver would look
|
||
good with this outfit?" Captain Memory wondered.
|
||
"I really, REALLY think we ought to do something!" said Ernie
|
||
urgently. The TV addicts bodies were beginning to swell rapidly.
|
||
Ernie inched away from them.
|
||
"Oh well," said Captain Memory unhurriedly. "I guess it's
|
||
time to go. Uh, let's see." He thought a moment. "Let's try: PUSH
|
||
FF0C." With that, they were gone.
|
||
Ernie blinked and staggered. The scene had changed completely.
|
||
Now he saw an elaborate 18th century drawing room around him. The
|
||
walls were decorated with filigreed mirrors and candelabras.
|
||
Delicate furniture surrounded them. It all looked very expensive.
|
||
Captain Memory looked about, obviously pleased with
|
||
himself. "Hey, it worked!"
|
||
Ernie's head swam. He felt confused and disoriented. These
|
||
abrupt changes of scene were making him sick. He sagged into a
|
||
chair. "I don't feel very good," he complained.
|
||
Sterno puffed his cigar. "This is almost decent," he mused.
|
||
"You don't suppose there's a snifter of brandy about, do you?" The
|
||
sound of a harpsichord drifted in from somewhere. "Ah, Telemann,"
|
||
Sterno commented. "Very tasteful."
|
||
Captain Memory turned to Ernie. "Gee, I'm sorry you're not
|
||
feeling well," he commiserated. "Would it make you feel better to
|
||
watch some TV?"
|
||
Ernie sat bolt upright. "NO!"
|
||
The Captain had brought along his copy of TV Guide. "You're
|
||
missing the `Ozzie and Hitler Show'."
|
||
"I don't care."
|
||
"This is a good episode: `Ozzie forgets that the boss is
|
||
coming for dinner, so Hitler has to invade Poland on a moment's
|
||
notice.'" Captain Memory chuckled.
|
||
"I don't like these TV programs," grumbled Ernie.
|
||
"Well, you know," said Captain Memory conversationally. "If
|
||
you're going to travel to other Realities, you're not always going
|
||
to be able to get your favorite TV shows."
|
||
"I want to go home," Ernie sulked. Suddenly a thought occurred
|
||
to him. He brightened. "Hey, this is really just a game, right?"
|
||
Sterno glared at him. "This `game' business is getting really
|
||
old. Knock it off, okay?"
|
||
Ernie had begun methodically feeling the furniture. He
|
||
reasoned that if it were a Virtual Reality illusion, he would be
|
||
able to see it, but since it had no substance, he wouldn't be able
|
||
to feel it. If my hand goes right through this stuff, he figured,
|
||
I'll know it's just an illusion. Unfortunately, everything was
|
||
proving to be distressingly solid.
|
||
"You know, you look really stupid in that fur loincloth,"
|
||
Sterno commented. "And what in the world are you going to do with
|
||
that ridiculous plastic broadsword?"
|
||
"Well, I hadda put a deposit on it," said Ernie defensively.
|
||
"If I don't bring it back I lose 40 bucks."
|
||
Sterno shook his head. He turned to Captain Memory. "Do we
|
||
really have to drag this kid around with us?"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid so."
|
||
"Why?" Sterno demanded.
|
||
"Well, you know", the Captain said off-handedly. "We can't
|
||
just leave him to be a Cyberslave. It wouldn't be, you know, nice."
|
||
A thought occurred to Ernie. "So, what are we supposed to do
|
||
about all of this, anyway?"
|
||
"Hmm?" Captain Memory, still perusing the TV Guide, was not
|
||
paying very much attention.
|
||
"Like, are we just going to keep bopping around Cyberspace or
|
||
what? I mean, do you have a Plan, or something?"
|
||
Captain Memory pulled himself up. "Of course I have a Plan!"
|
||
He turned to Sterno. "See? I have Powers, and I have a Plan!"
|
||
"Okay, okay," Sterno agreed wearily. "You're a fine super
|
||
hero! So, what's the plan?"
|
||
"We have to find a way to terminate this reality within the
|
||
confines of it's own logic," the Captain explained.
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie didn't follow this.
|
||
"We have to end the game," the Captain rephrased. "We have to
|
||
carry it through to it's logical conclusion, so that it terminates,
|
||
and shuts down."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "What's the point of this game, anyway?"
|
||
"That's a problem," the Captain admitted. "This isn't a game.
|
||
It's dozens, maybe hundreds of games, all stuck together in no
|
||
order. The "point" of what we're in now could be the point of any
|
||
of the games, or all of them, or none of them. There's no way to
|
||
tell. Luckily, we don't have to win the game, we just have to end
|
||
it. Any ending that's logically consistent will do."
|
||
Sterno frowned. "Why do you have to end it within it's own
|
||
logic system? Couldn't you just crash it?"
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "I could crash the system, but it
|
||
wouldn't be a good idea!"
|
||
"Why not?" Sterno demanded. "Why can't you just insert some
|
||
totally impossible instruction and crash out the whole system? Then
|
||
this whole thing would be over and we could get out of here!"
|
||
"That's true," the Captain admitted. "but you'd get some bad,
|
||
um, side effects."
|
||
"Like what?" Sterno wanted to know.
|
||
"You see," Captain Memory explained. "After you've been in
|
||
Cyberspace for a while, you brain gets synchronized with it, and
|
||
your system becomes adapted to it. If it suddenly crashes, it
|
||
causes a tremendous shock to your system."
|
||
"What, you mean we're going through all this just to avoid an
|
||
upset stomach or something?" Sterno asked sarcastically. "After
|
||
all, how bad could it be?"
|
||
"Well, um," the Captain looked very uncomfortable. "It's not
|
||
just an upset stomach...."
|
||
"Okay," Sterno demanded. "Then what DOES it cause?"
|
||
"Um, generally, cardiac arrest," the Captain answered
|
||
reluctantly.
|
||
Sterno was shocked. "You mean, if you crash the system it'll
|
||
KILL us?"
|
||
"Afraid so," the Captain nodded sadly. "Along with anybody
|
||
else who's hooked into the system at the time."
|
||
Ernie began to worry. "What about ending the game, then? Won't
|
||
that kill us, too? Does that mean we're trapped here forever!?" He
|
||
began to panic.
|
||
"No, no, calm down," said the Captain reassuringly. "if we end
|
||
the game within the confines of it's own logic, it'll shut down in
|
||
an orderly manner, giving your systems time to readjust before
|
||
you're returned to reality.It won't be a shock to your systems, and
|
||
your hearts won't stop. It's only if it suddenly, abruptly, stops,
|
||
like when the system crashes, that..."
|
||
"Okay, okay, we get the picture," Sterno broke it. "Don't
|
||
crash the system!"
|
||
"Okay." Captain Memory returned to the TV Guide.
|
||
Ernie sighed. It was bad enough being trapped in a computer
|
||
game. Now his life was in danger as well. And his only hope seems
|
||
to be this costumed clown who thinks he's a super hero. Wasn't this
|
||
ever going to stop getting worse?
|
||
Suddenly, Captain Memory started. "Oh NO," he wailed. "Not
|
||
THAT!"
|
||
"What happened? What happened?!" cried Ernie, panic-stricken.
|
||
What could possibly have happened that was worse than the
|
||
predicament they were already in?
|
||
Captain Memory was still holding the TV Guide. "We missed
|
||
Gilligan's Island!"
|
||
Ernie cradled his head in his hands. "I can't stand it. I just
|
||
can't stand it."
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Chapter 2
|
||
|
||
|
||
Ernie was beginning to feel a little bit better. After all,
|
||
nothing really weird had happened for about, oh, twenty minutes or
|
||
so. Things were, relatively speaking, pretty quiet.
|
||
Ernie examined his surroundings. "What is this place?"
|
||
"It's a spaceship," said Captain Memory conversationally.
|
||
Ernie was skeptical. "It doesn't LOOK like a spaceship."
|
||
Sterno sniffed. "They don't have to always be those ghastly
|
||
chrome-and-glass space things. Utterly tasteless. This place,"
|
||
Sterno looked about approvingly. "Is actually not bad."
|
||
Ernie was unconvinced. "It's not moving."
|
||
"Sure it is," the Captain returned. "You just can't feel it.
|
||
Wanna look out?" Captain Memory stood up, and walked over to what
|
||
appeared to be a small harpsichord. He regarded the keys. "Let's
|
||
see. Um, C Major?" He hit the appropriate keys. With a deep
|
||
rumbling sound, the ceiling slid back, revealing a view of deep
|
||
space. "Ah!" Captain Memory was pleased. He returned to the sofa.
|
||
Ernie regarded the view with amazement. Stars and galaxies
|
||
burned brightly against the blackness of space. They seemed to be
|
||
an incredible distance from Earth. Ernie turned to Captain Memory.
|
||
"Where ARE we?"
|
||
The Captain shrugged. "Space."
|
||
"But where in space?" Ernie wanted to know. "Are we far from
|
||
Earth?"
|
||
Captain Memory concentrated. "Let's see, um, `Long, long, ago
|
||
in a galaxy far, far..." Ernie frowned. The Captain stopped. "Wait,
|
||
that's not right." He furrowed his brow. "Well, I can't exactly
|
||
recall where we are, but it doesn't really matter." Captain Memory
|
||
was absorbed in looking at the vista of deep space. "After all,
|
||
when you wish upon a star, it makes no difference where you are."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Something about that bugs me."
|
||
"It doesn't sound quite cricket," agreed Sterno.
|
||
"Well, by jiminy," exclaimed the Captain. "We'll just have to
|
||
move on to something else. Wanna watch some TV?"
|
||
"I'd rather not," said Ernie.
|
||
"Aww." Captain Memory was disappointed.
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Are we safe here?"
|
||
"For the moment," the Captain shrugged. "As I said, we can't
|
||
stay anywhere too long. Waldo will zero in on us if we do."
|
||
"Then what?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"I dunno," the Captain mused. "I suppose he'll come after us."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "You mean he'll come in himself, like
|
||
personally?"
|
||
Captain Memory thought about that. "Well, I don't suppose
|
||
he'll come in AS himself. After all, you can be anyone, or
|
||
anyTHING, in Cyperspace. He'll come in the form of someone else,
|
||
some famous person, or someone he'd like to be..."
|
||
"Like you and your super-hero outfit," Sterno broke in.
|
||
"Well...yeah," the Captain admitted.
|
||
Ernie gave than some thought. "So, what form would an evil
|
||
genius want to take?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "I dunno. A Nazi, maybe..." He
|
||
returned to the TV Guide.
|
||
"This is much like my own Virtual Reality," mused Sterno. He
|
||
seemed to have found a snifter of brandy somewhere, which he
|
||
swirled pensively in his left paw. "I had a drawing room like this.
|
||
I wrote poetry there. Immortal odes to the glory of the canine
|
||
race."
|
||
"Really." Captain Memory was not really paying attention.
|
||
"In fact, I happen to have some with me. Perhaps you'd like to
|
||
see it?"
|
||
"Mmm." Captain Memory was gazing at the view. Sterno took his
|
||
answer to be a `yes', and handed him a piece of paper with some
|
||
verses on it.
|
||
Captain Memory barely glanced at it. "Looks like doggerel to
|
||
me," he said uncaringly.
|
||
Sterno's mood turned black. "I suppose you think that's
|
||
funny," he snarled. "I open my heart to you, and you mock me. Well,
|
||
we'll see who has the last laugh! I know when I'm right! I'm right,
|
||
and you're wrong, and that's all there is to it."
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "Sounds to me like you're being a bit
|
||
dogmatic to me."
|
||
"You fool!" Sterno barked. "You don't even have the vaguest
|
||
idea what's going on here! You're a fine one to talk!"
|
||
Captain Memory abruptly changed the subject. "Wanna watch some
|
||
TV?"
|
||
Ernie really didn't want to watch any TV, but he was feeling
|
||
very uncomfortable with the current drift of the conversation.
|
||
Maybe watching TV would be a good way to change the subject.
|
||
"Uh, this isn't gonna be like last time, is it? We're not
|
||
going to get sucked into the TV show again, are we?"
|
||
"Naw," the Captain assured him. "That was a fluke. One-in-a-
|
||
million chance. It'll never happen again."
|
||
"Well, okay then," Ernie agreed reluctantly.
|
||
Captain Memory returned to the harpsichord. "Um, F-sharp?" He
|
||
hit the appropriate keys. The ceiling view-screen suddenly changed
|
||
from a view of space to a television picture. They seemed to have
|
||
tuned in to a commercial.
|
||
The announcer was an dour looking man wearing a brown military
|
||
uniform and jackboots. He seemed to be making a strenuous effort to
|
||
be cheerful.
|
||
"Hi, I'm Martin Bohrmann," the announcer held up two record
|
||
albums. "And if you remember me, you remember HITLER'S GREATEST
|
||
HITS!"
|
||
"I don't remember that," said Ernie to no-one in particular.
|
||
"Now, together at last on these two long-playing record
|
||
albums, 50 all-time golden hits from the Third Reich! You get the
|
||
Gestapo Glee Club with HEIL HITLER, DEAR!" Military-sounding music
|
||
started up in the background.
|
||
"Do we have to watch this?" Ernie complained.
|
||
"...you can't buy these records in any store, but if you call
|
||
this number, a secret messenger will knock on your door in the
|
||
middle of the night and..."
|
||
"Oh, okay, I'll change it." Captain Memory struck a key on the
|
||
harpsichord. The screen changed to black-and-white. Characters in
|
||
1950's clothing appeared.
|
||
"It's an old movie," Ernie commented. He felt better. An old
|
||
movie; that would be safe, right? Nothing bad could happen out of
|
||
an old movie, right?
|
||
A man in a suit with a cloth over his head appeared on the
|
||
screen. A pretty young woman came up to him, and suddenly yanked
|
||
the cloth away. Under the cloth, the man had the tremendously
|
||
enlarged head of a fly, complete with huge, multifaceted eyes,
|
||
antennae, and a long black snout. The young woman began to scream.
|
||
"Hey, I remember this!" said Ernie brightly. It's THE FLY -
|
||
the original version, too. You know, that movie about the scientist
|
||
who goes into a matter transmitter, except a fly gets in it, and he
|
||
winds up with the head of a fly? Hey, this is a great movie!" Ernie
|
||
settled back to watch, pleased that he could finally watch
|
||
something he understood.
|
||
The movie cut to a commercial. "Hi, I'm Martin Bohrmann, and
|
||
if you remember me..."
|
||
Ernie moaned. I wish they wouldn't keep running the same
|
||
commercial, he thought.
|
||
The commercial ended. "And now, back to THE DATING GAME!"
|
||
"THE DATING GAME!" Ernie sat bolt upright. "I don't wanna
|
||
watch the Dating Game! What happened to my movie?!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked up. "Oh, a game show!" he said brightly.
|
||
He hadn't been paying much attention up to this point. "I like game
|
||
shows! You know, you can really get into game shows!"
|
||
"I KNOW," Ernie interrupted. "That's what I'm AFRAID of!"
|
||
The man on the screen looked like a typical game show host,
|
||
wearing a plaid polyester suit with a large carnation in his lapel.
|
||
The only thing that seemed a bit odd about him is that he was
|
||
wearing jackboots and a monocle.
|
||
"Congratulations!" he was saying to an excited female
|
||
contestant. "You'fe von an all-expenses-paid dream date vit
|
||
bachelor number 3!" The game show host seemed to have a bit of a
|
||
German accent.
|
||
"Oh, I just can't wait to see him!" The young woman was
|
||
jumping up and down with excitement.
|
||
"Bachelor number three, come on out!" The game show host
|
||
called out. A door opened, and out stepped a man, wearing a suit,
|
||
who had the enormously enlarged head of a fly. The young woman
|
||
began to scream.
|
||
Ernie looked confused. "Hey, what are we watching, anyway? Is
|
||
this THE FLY, or THE DATING GAME, or what?"
|
||
Captain Memory was looking at the TV Guide upside-down. "Mmm
|
||
hmm," he agreed, not paying much attention.
|
||
The host seemed to be wrapping the show up. "Vell folks, dis
|
||
is Biff Mozzarella, saying..."
|
||
"Wait a minute" Sterno interrupted. "I think something smells
|
||
around here!
|
||
Captain Memory looked up. "Got a problem?" he asked
|
||
unconcernedly.
|
||
"Think about it," Sterno considered. "His name: Mozzarella."
|
||
"Huh?" said Ernie. "You mean, Biff?"
|
||
"This guy's name is Mozzarella," Sterno noted. "The last guys
|
||
name was Liederkranz."
|
||
"So?" asked Ernie uncomprehendingly.
|
||
"Cheese, get it?" cried Sterno. "They're both cheese!"
|
||
I don't think I like the sound of this, Ernie thought. "Um,
|
||
well, you know," he began to Captain Memory. "Maybe we ought to
|
||
give this some consideration..."
|
||
But it was too late. With a deafening roar, the delicate panel
|
||
doors to the room were blown off their hinges. A dozen armed men
|
||
rushed in, pointing wicked-looking weapons at the trio. "FREEZE!"
|
||
one of them shouted.
|
||
Captain Memory looked uncomprehending. "It seems a bit warm
|
||
for that," he commented.
|
||
The group of armed men parted to make way for an unpleasant
|
||
looking man wearing a black military uniform, jackboots, and a
|
||
monocle. "Zo, ve meet again!"
|
||
The man, did, in fact, look somewhat familiar to Ernie.
|
||
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
|
||
The man smiled warmly. "No doubt you've seen my TV show. THE
|
||
TORTURE GAME is a big hit these days. I'm..." He drew himself up to
|
||
his full height. "Sturmbannfuhrer Dr. Heinz von Liederkranz, the
|
||
Gestapo's greatest." He paused; he seemed to be waiting for
|
||
applause. His men looked at each other quickly, and began clapping.
|
||
Ernie thought it might be a good idea if he applauded too.
|
||
"ENOUGH!" Von Liederkranz silenced his men with a quick sweep
|
||
of his riding crop, leaving Ernie applauding feebly all by himself.
|
||
Ernie looked around, and quickly stopped.
|
||
Von Liederkranz prodded Captain Memory in the chest with his
|
||
riding crop. "Now! You will tell us your name, rank and serial
|
||
number!"
|
||
"My what?" Captain Memory looked uncomprehending.
|
||
"Your name, rank, and serial number!"
|
||
"Name, rank and cereal number?" mused the Captain. "But I
|
||
never even eat cereal."
|
||
"Do not be coy with us!" snapped the Sturmbannfuhrer. "We know
|
||
you are one of Them! Ve know you are a spy on a mission of sabotage
|
||
and destruction!" He paused calculatingly. "Remember, ve have vays
|
||
of making you talk!"
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory in confusion. "Who are these
|
||
guys, anyway?"
|
||
"They LOOK like a bunch of Nazis," the Captain replied
|
||
thoughtfully. "But they COULD be..."
|
||
"Enough!" von Liederkranz broke in. "You vill answer our
|
||
questions!"
|
||
Captain Memory concentrated. "How about: Who Put the Bop in
|
||
the Bop-Shu-Bop-Shu-Bop?" he suggested.
|
||
Von Liederkranz's tone abruptly changed. "You know," he turned
|
||
to Captain Memory. "Ve do not haff to be enemies. Ve could be
|
||
friends. You vould like to be friends, nein?"
|
||
"Sure." Captain Memory was nothing if not agreeable.
|
||
"Then tell us vot ve vant to know!"
|
||
"Okay." The Captain thought a minute. "The attack is set for
|
||
exactly 10:30. Julius Caesar will march on Omaha, and the
|
||
Enterprise will attack the Titanic somewhere in the South China
|
||
Sea. Then Patton will drive up through the south of France, make a
|
||
right onto Route 66, go down three stop lights, turn right and it's
|
||
the third house from the corner."
|
||
"Just as ve thought!" This, of course, was not what the
|
||
Sturmbannfuhrer had thought at all. However, he had to maintain a
|
||
good appearance in front of his men. He smiled amiably. "Please go
|
||
on!"
|
||
Captain Memory decided it was time to stop. "I think I've said
|
||
too much already!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz's face turned hard. "You misunderstand," he
|
||
said menacingly. "I'm not asking you, I'm TELLING YOU! TALK! NOW!!"
|
||
"I'd really rather not." Captain Memory didn't seem to be too
|
||
upset by the proceedings. Ernie, however, was beginning to sweat.
|
||
Sterno was glaring at the other two, giving them an I-told-you-so
|
||
look.
|
||
Von Liederkranz smiled sadistically. "You can't escape, you
|
||
know. Ve haff total control of all computation in zis sector. Ze
|
||
system vill not accept commands from anyone but me. Dere is no vay
|
||
out. Ve have you vhere ve vant you!"
|
||
"Well," Captain Memory began. "I'm afraid I don't have
|
||
time..."
|
||
"So be it!" cried von Liederkranz. "If dat's de vay you are
|
||
going to be - bring on de Hot Vhirling Corkscrew!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked pained. "You know, I really don't care
|
||
for the Hot Vhirling...I mean `Whirling' Corkscrew."
|
||
Von Liederkranz laughed sadistically. "You are very funny. Ve
|
||
vill see how funny you vill be after a few hours vit mein
|
||
Corkscrew!"
|
||
Captain Memory seemed offended. "Well, if you're going to be
|
||
like that, I'm simply going to have to leave."
|
||
Von Liederkranz laughed sadistically, again. In fact, he
|
||
didn't seem to be able to laugh any other way. "Dere is no way
|
||
out!" von Liederkranz continued. "You cannot break into ze system
|
||
from here!"
|
||
Ernie noticed his stomach beginning to hurt again. Stress, he
|
||
thought. It's not good for me to be under this much stress. I think
|
||
it's affecting my health. Maybe I'm getting an ulcer?
|
||
Von Liederkranz switched on his Hot Whirling Corkscrew, which,
|
||
true to it's name began to whirl and glow. Laughing sadistically,
|
||
as usual, he began to bring it closer and closer to Captain
|
||
Memory's face.
|
||
The torture device edged ever nearer, inch by inch, spinning
|
||
and hissing as it approached Captain Memory's unprotected face.
|
||
Ernie shut his eyes tightly. It's too horrible, he thought. I can't
|
||
watch. He waited for the inevitable screams.
|
||
Captain Memory looked miffed. "Okay, be like that! JMP 08F1!"
|
||
Ernie opened his eyes. The rococo sitting room had vanished.
|
||
They seemed to be back in the huge Chicago living room that they
|
||
had originally found themselves in after leaving the Simulation
|
||
Arcade. Ernie's head swam. This is all changing too fast for me, he
|
||
thought. I just can't keep up with it. He found a chair and sat
|
||
down. Ernie didn't feel well at all.
|
||
Captain Memory was strolling around, ruefully inspecting the
|
||
surroundings. "Look at this place," he lamented. "What a mess!"
|
||
Ernie looked about. The place, was, in fact, in dismal shape.
|
||
The walls were covered with soot, the furniture was singed. Much of
|
||
the furniture was knocked over; some was totally splintered. It
|
||
looked rather like a bomb had gone off in the room. Ernie recovered
|
||
enough composure to speak. "Why...why are we back here?"
|
||
"Oh, I apologize for that," Captain Memory explained. "I just
|
||
couldn't think of anyplace else on such short notice. I should have
|
||
known this place would be a mess."
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Yeah, this place has really gone to the
|
||
dogs."
|
||
"I suppose you think that's funny!" Sterno growled.
|
||
Ernie noticed two piles of burned rags lying near the TV set.
|
||
They were still smoldering slightly. He shuddered. He would rather
|
||
not think about what might have happened here.
|
||
"Well...well," Ernie started again. "How did we get here? That
|
||
Nazi said we couldn't escape. He said they controlled all
|
||
computation in the sector!"
|
||
"That's right, Captain Memory smiled. "We JUMPed to a
|
||
different sector!"
|
||
Ernie decided to just accept that explanation, even though he
|
||
didn't entirely understand it.
|
||
"Makes about as much sense as anything else," Sterno agreed.
|
||
He seemed to have found another cigar, and was puffing away on it
|
||
contentedly. He seemed to be in a much better mood whenever he had
|
||
a cigar. "Pity you couldn't have transported that brandy along with
|
||
us, though."
|
||
Ernie was desperately trying to make sense of all of this.
|
||
"So, who were those Nazi guys, anyway?"
|
||
"That's hard to say for sure," CM said thoughtfully. "They're
|
||
probably Cyberslaves, just like you would have been if I hadn't
|
||
rescued you."
|
||
Ernie shuddered. He really didn't like the sound of that
|
||
`Cyberslave' stuff."
|
||
"What about their leader, Von Liederkranz?" Sterno wondered.
|
||
"He didn't look a slave. In fact, he seemed to be having a really
|
||
good time!"
|
||
The Captain nodded. "I'm sure he's not a slave," he agreed.
|
||
"He's one of the Slavemasters. In fact," Captain Memory furled his
|
||
brow in thought. "He MIGHT even be Waldo Stadium himself!"
|
||
"So, what are we doing in all of this?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "Hopeless!"
|
||
"Don't pick on the kid!" Captain Memory defended Ernie.
|
||
"Yeah!" Ernie agreed.
|
||
"After all," Captain Memory continued. "It's not his fault
|
||
he's stupid!"
|
||
"Yeah, it's..." Ernie broke off. That wasn't turning out the
|
||
way he'd hoped.
|
||
Sterno looked at the Captain. "So, what kind of super hero are
|
||
you supposed to be, anyway?"
|
||
"Me?" Captain Memory expounded. "Why I'm a strange visitor
|
||
from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far
|
||
beyond those of mortal men."
|
||
"Powers and abilities?" Ernie wanted to know. "Like what?"
|
||
Captain Memory continued expansively. "I'm faster than a
|
||
speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive; why, I can even
|
||
leap tall buildings in a single bound!"
|
||
This was beginning to sound a bit familiar to Ernie. "Anything
|
||
else?"
|
||
"I can also change the course of mighty rivers and bend steel
|
||
in my bare hands."
|
||
I've got it now, thought Ernie. "You don't, by any chance,
|
||
tend to go around disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter
|
||
for a great metropolitan newspaper, and fight a never-ending battle
|
||
for truth, justice, and the American way, do you?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked totally mystified. "Why, no. Why would
|
||
I want to do a thing like that?"
|
||
Ernie was nonplussed. "Well...I dunno. I just sort of
|
||
thought..." He trailed off.
|
||
There was an awkward silence. Sterno cleared his throat. "You
|
||
don't suppose these people keep caviar about somewhere, do you?"
|
||
Grateful for the interruption, Ernie began searching. He found
|
||
a small white cabinet that looked like it might be a refrigerator.
|
||
"Ah!" He pulled out a small jar. "How's this?"
|
||
Sterno examined the jar ruefully. "Oh," he sniffed. "American
|
||
caviar. Well, I suppose Beluga was a bit too much to ask. We'll
|
||
just have to rough it, I imagine." He looked around. "You wouldn't
|
||
happen to have a slice of fresh onion, by any chance?"
|
||
Captain Memory had returned to perusing the TV Guide. "Wanna
|
||
watch some TV?" he asked brightly. "It's almost time for that great
|
||
game show about the dinosaur age."
|
||
"Which one is that?" Ernie couldn't recall any shows about
|
||
dinosaurs.
|
||
"Oh, I'm sure you've seen it. It's real famous!" the Captain
|
||
explained. "It's called YOU BET JURASSIC!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. Something about that name did seem a bit
|
||
familiar. All these familiar-sounding things that he couldn't quite
|
||
place were making him very uneasy.
|
||
Suddenly, the television came on. "Prepare to die, inferior
|
||
creatures!" the speaker blared.
|
||
Ernie was annoyed. "I thought we turned that off!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked upset. "Oh, dear. I forgot about that!"
|
||
Ernie began to get that queasy feeling in his stomach again.
|
||
"Forgot about WHAT?"
|
||
The television screen showed a huge purple vegetable, lifting
|
||
itself up on a green stalk. It seemed to be gloating, insofar as a
|
||
vegetable can gloat. "You will soon respire your last, animal
|
||
scum!" the vegetable continued. "No longer shall we of the
|
||
vegetable kingdom be your helpless victims, to be bred and
|
||
destroyed at your whims! The day of reckoning is here at last!
|
||
Prepare to receive the Vengeance of the Vegetables!"
|
||
Ernie shifted his weight uncomfortably. "This sure is a weird
|
||
program."
|
||
"Oh, it's not a program," Captain Memory explained. "The
|
||
Killer Eggplants are about to attack!"
|
||
Ernie thought he'd better sit down again. "Huh?"
|
||
"I told you, we're in a game called `ATTACK OF THE KILLER
|
||
EGGPLANTS'!" Captain Memory regarded his bare wrist. "Oh dear, it's
|
||
been almost forty-five minutes."
|
||
Ernie didn't get it. "I don't get it," he said.
|
||
"Remember those nukes I told you about?"
|
||
Ernie didn't like the sound of this. He tried to put the
|
||
pieces together. "They're going to nuke us?"
|
||
"Afraid so," said Captain Memory cheerily. He didn't seem
|
||
particularly upset at the idea.
|
||
"WHY?!"
|
||
"To put an end to the Revolt of the Vegetables," Captain
|
||
Memory explained. "And fry the Great Eggplant once and for all!"
|
||
Ernie was trying hard to understand all of this. "let me get
|
||
this straight - you mean the vegetables have risen up in revolt?"
|
||
"Of course not!" Captain Memory laughed. "How could vegetables
|
||
possibly do a thing like that?"
|
||
Ernie was getting frustrated. "Then WHAT is GOING ON!?"
|
||
Captain Memory chuckled. "Oh, it's all a big practical joke!"
|
||
Ernie felt relieved. "Then they're NOT going to nuke Chicago?"
|
||
"Oh no, they're really going to do it." Captain Memory seemed
|
||
to think this was all very funny. "After all, they don't know it's
|
||
a joke, do they? It wouldn't be very funny if they KNEW it was a
|
||
joke, would it?" Captain Memory chuckled. "Nope, they're going to
|
||
bomb the whole city back to the Stone Age."
|
||
Ernie heard the sound of jets flying very close by outside. He
|
||
began to feel very uneasy. "So, um, what are we going to do?"
|
||
"Do?" asked Captain Memory innocently.
|
||
Ernie began to feel an intense heat radiating through the
|
||
walls. He clenched his eyes tightly closed. I'll just close my
|
||
eyes, he thought. Maybe when I open them again this will all be
|
||
gone.
|
||
He opened his eyes.
|
||
It was all gone.
|
||
Ernie was taken aback. Wow, he thought. It worked.
|
||
He looked around. They were in the midst of a grassy field,
|
||
studded with wildflowers. Bright sunshine bathed the scene. Captain
|
||
Memory was idly toying with blades of grass; Sterno was sniffing
|
||
the flowers.
|
||
"Where are we?" Ernie asked dumbly.
|
||
"Why, the Stone Age, of course." Captain Memory seemed to
|
||
think this was quite obvious. "Somewhere in the Jurassic period, I
|
||
think."
|
||
"You knew this would happen?" Ernie cried.
|
||
"Sure," replied the Captain offhandedly. "It's part of the
|
||
game!"
|
||
Ernie sighed. A gentle breeze swayed the tall grass. He could
|
||
hear birdsongs in the distance. It all seemed very peaceful. Good,
|
||
thought Ernie. I could use a break. He lay down in the grass and
|
||
rested. At least, he thought, we won't have to watch any TV.
|
||
The sun moved slowly across the sky as the hours passed. After
|
||
a time, Ernie sat up. It occurred to him that he might be getting
|
||
a sunburn. "So, what are we gonna do in the Stone Age?" he asked.
|
||
"Get stoned?" Sterno offered.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his bare wrist. "I'm glad you
|
||
mentioned that," he said. "It's time we were on our way."
|
||
I knew I shouldn't have said anything, Ernie thought. Oh well,
|
||
it's too late now. "So now what?"
|
||
"We'd better find a cave before it gets dark, don't you
|
||
think?" Captain Memory said cheerily. "Wouldn't want to have a run-
|
||
in with one of those saber-tooth tigers, would we?"
|
||
Ernie frowned. He had forgotten that there would be things
|
||
like saber-tooth tigers in the Stone Age, although he supposed he
|
||
should have realized that. It suddenly occurred to him that Stone
|
||
Age caves often held giant cave bears. "Um, maybe we should think
|
||
about this," he called out to Captain Memory. The Captain, however,
|
||
was already far ahead of Ernie, striding purposefully towards a
|
||
ridge of white cliffs in the distance. He seemed not to hear Ernie,
|
||
or, if he did, he paid no attention. Ernie hurried to catch up.
|
||
"At least you're properly dressed for the occasion," Sterno
|
||
commented to Ernie. "I understand fur loincloths are all the rage
|
||
this year." Sterno snickered.
|
||
Ernie looked down at his garment. He had been wearing it so
|
||
long he had sort of forgotten about it.
|
||
"If we run into any saber-tooth tigers," Sterno continued.
|
||
"You can just chop them up with your plastic broadsword." Sterno
|
||
laughed unpleasantly.
|
||
"Are you still carrying that thing?" Captain Memory called,
|
||
without looking back.
|
||
"Hey, it's a forty buck deposit, okay?" Ernie sensed that they
|
||
were both laughing at him. "Gimme a break, huh?"
|
||
"Hopeless, just hopeless," Sterno muttered, amused.
|
||
Ernie began to be able to make out an odd looking object in
|
||
the distance. It seemed to be some sort of primitive building. As
|
||
they approached, Ernie began to see it more clearly. It seemed to
|
||
be a house, made out of huge slabs of stone. Holes were cut in the
|
||
front slab for windows and a door. A huge flat slab made up the
|
||
roof. Sitting outside the house was a very odd object. It was a
|
||
wooden framework connected to two huge stone rollers. There was a
|
||
seat on the framework, and a piece of fur held up above the seat,
|
||
creating a primitive roof.
|
||
"How odd," commented Sterno. "Some sort of totem object, no
|
||
doubt. Perhaps a throne of some sort?"
|
||
They approached the house. It began to look a bit familiar to
|
||
Ernie. Those fur curtains on the windows, where had he seen those
|
||
before? A neat walk led toward the front door. At the end of the
|
||
walk was a stone box, held up on a pole. There was something
|
||
written on the box. The name confirmed Ernie's worst fears: "F.
|
||
FLINTSTONE".
|
||
"Hey guys!" Ernie called out.
|
||
"Hmm?" returned Captain Memory, continuing to walk toward the
|
||
house. He was, as usual, not paying much attention to Ernie.
|
||
"Um, I don't think we should go in there!"
|
||
"Why not?" Captain Memory did not even slow down.
|
||
"I've got a real bad feeling about this place!"
|
||
"Aww, is the big, strong barbarian afraid of the little
|
||
house?" sneered Sterno. "Well, then he can just stay out here with
|
||
the saber-tooth tigers if he likes." The two of them continued into
|
||
the house, leaving Ernie standing alone on the front walk. Ernie
|
||
looked around. The sun was slowly edging towards the horizon,
|
||
casting long, menacing-looking shadows. Ernie found himself
|
||
anxiously looking around for places large enough for a saber-tooth
|
||
tiger to hide in. Well, he thought. There's not much point in
|
||
standing here. I might as well go in.
|
||
Stepping inside the doorway, Ernie found himself in a living
|
||
room, appointed with furniture made of stone and wood. Captain
|
||
Memory and Sterno had made themselves comfortable on the stone-and-
|
||
fur sofa. The owners of the house were nowhere in sight.
|
||
"Rather luxurious for the Stone Age, don't you think?"
|
||
commented Sterno. Captain Memory was, once again, engrossed in his
|
||
copy of the TV Guide. Ernie noticed, across from the sofa, what
|
||
appeared to be a roughly carved, stone television set. He moaned.
|
||
"Whatever is the matter!" said Sterno impatiently.
|
||
"Hey guys," Ernie implored. "I really think we ought to get
|
||
out of here. I think this is some kind of a trap, or something."
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "Paranoia," he commented. "The
|
||
poor creature would like to think he's important enough for anyone
|
||
to bother persecuting." He turned to Ernie. "Who in the world would
|
||
want to lay a trap for you? What possible use could they have for
|
||
you if they caught you?"
|
||
Ernie shifted back and forth uncomfortably. Suddenly, an
|
||
object caught his eye. "Paranoia, huh?" he demanded. "What about
|
||
THAT!" He pointed to an object in a dark corner.
|
||
Ernie's exclamation was enough to tear Captain Memory's
|
||
attention away from his TV Guide. He peered at the object. It was
|
||
a box with what appeared to be a lens attached to it. As they
|
||
looked at it, it whirred quietly, moving the lens back and forth.
|
||
"It's a hidden camera!" Ernie cried triumphantly. "We're being
|
||
watched!"
|
||
Sterno was nonplussed. "Where did that come from?"
|
||
"Well, tear it out, then!" Captain Memory said.
|
||
Ernie strode over to the dark corner, grabbed to camera and
|
||
yanked it out of it's mounting. He dashed it to the ground, where
|
||
it shattered, revealing feebly glowing electronic parts which
|
||
slowly, one by one, went out.
|
||
"Well, so much for that," Captain Memory returned to the TV
|
||
Guide.
|
||
"Is that ALL?!" exclaimed Ernie.
|
||
"Well, what else did you want?" asked Captain Memory,
|
||
mystified.
|
||
"Look, I just proved to you that this is some kind of a trap
|
||
or something!" cried Ernie exasperatedly. "There was a hidden
|
||
camera watching us, for heaven's sake!"
|
||
"So, you took it out." Captain Memory seemed perfectly
|
||
satisfied. "So much for that."
|
||
Ernie was getting very frustrated. "Well, well, what if
|
||
there's another?"
|
||
"Oh, I very much doubt that," Sterno commented.
|
||
Captain Memory was still studying his TV Guide. "Wanna watch
|
||
some TV?" he asked brightly.
|
||
"NO!" Ernie was building up a real aversion to television.
|
||
"Why not?" Captain Memory couldn't imagine why anyone would
|
||
not want to watch TV.
|
||
"Look," said Ernie desperately. "This is the Stone Age, right?
|
||
There aren't supposed to be any TVs here. They haven't been
|
||
invented yet. This is before television!"
|
||
Captain Memory chuckled. "Don't be silly! No time is before
|
||
television!" He got up and walked over to the set.
|
||
"How primitive," Sterno commented. "No remote control. That's
|
||
only to be expected in the Stone Age, I suppose."
|
||
"Look," said Ernie urgently. "I'm positive there were no
|
||
televisions in the Stone Age!"
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Be reasonable," he said. "have you
|
||
ever seen, oh, let's say `I Was a Teenage Caveman'?"
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "Um, yes."
|
||
"Where did you see it?"
|
||
"On TV."
|
||
"It takes place in the Stone Age, right?"
|
||
"Um, yeah." Ernie wasn't sure he liked the way this line of
|
||
questioning was going.
|
||
"Well, how could that be, UNLESS THERE WERE TELEVISIONS IN THE
|
||
STONE AGE!?" Captain Memory cried triumphantly. "I rest my case."
|
||
Sterno applauded. "Bravo," he said politely.
|
||
"Well...well..." Ernie was sure there was something wrong with
|
||
this argument, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. He
|
||
noticed that no-one was listening to him anyway.
|
||
Captain Memory switched on the television. Being a primitive
|
||
set, it took a long time to warm up.
|
||
A picture of a room very much like the one the three were in
|
||
appeared on the television screen, taken from an odd angle.
|
||
"Eww, black-and-white," sniffed Sterno. "This really is the
|
||
Stone Age, isn't it?"
|
||
Ernie stared at the picture. A man in a comic-book-character
|
||
outfit, accompanied by a dog, entered the room, and they both sat
|
||
down. After a short wait, another figure, clad in a fur loincloth
|
||
and carrying a large plastic broadsword, also entered. The
|
||
characters seemed to be conversing, but their voices were too
|
||
indistinct to understand.
|
||
"I can't hear what they're saying," Captain Memory said.
|
||
"Seems to be a sound problem," Sterno sniffed. "Only to be
|
||
expected from prehistoric TV stations."
|
||
Suddenly, one of the characters pointed directly at them.
|
||
"...hidden camera!" They heard the figure say. "We're being
|
||
watched!" The other characters said something indistinct. The
|
||
figure in the loincloth loomed larger and larger in the picture,
|
||
until finally the screen was entirely taken up by a face not unlike
|
||
Ernie's own. A huge hand loomed up over the screen, and the picture
|
||
went dead.
|
||
Ernie looked at the dead television screen. "I don't like the
|
||
looks of this at all," he said warily.
|
||
"Neither do I," agreed Captain Memory. "Let's watch something
|
||
else." He changed the channel.
|
||
A different scene appeared. In it, two men were seated at a
|
||
large array of electronic equipment, their backs to the audience.
|
||
They were peering intently at their devices, and conversing.
|
||
"Looks like they found the hidden camera," one said to the
|
||
other.
|
||
"What are we gonna do?"
|
||
"Let's switch over to the second camera."
|
||
"What if they find that one?"
|
||
"They won't. They don't suspect a thing."
|
||
The two men flipped some switches. "Here we go," said the
|
||
first. "Wanna see it?"
|
||
"Sure." The man flipped a switch. Suddenly, the scene changed
|
||
back to the room suspiciously like their own. The figure in the
|
||
loincloth appeared upset.
|
||
"Hey!" cried Ernie. "`Hey!'" cried the loincloth-clad figure
|
||
on the television. "That's us!" "`That's us!'" echoed his TV image.
|
||
Captain Memory regarded the television picture. "Not a very
|
||
interesting show," he commented, echoed a moment later by the
|
||
comic-book-clad character on the television. "Seems a bit
|
||
repetitious. Might as well turn it off."
|
||
"Wait!" Ernie cried, but it was too late. Captain Memory had
|
||
already shut off the set.
|
||
Captain Memory was confused. "Wait? I thought you didn't want
|
||
to watch TV? I just turned it off to be nice. I can turn it back on
|
||
if you want." He reached toward the set.
|
||
"NO! No, uh that's okay. Uh, thanks. I'd just as soon we
|
||
didn't watch anything right now, if you don't mind." Ernie was not
|
||
prepared for the possible consequences of turning on the TV again.
|
||
He had more than enough to deal with as it was.
|
||
Ernie gathered up his thoughts. "Okay, guys, look. I gotta
|
||
tell you something. This place is not what it seems!"
|
||
"Really." Captain Memory had returned to the study of his
|
||
favorite reading matter, the TV Guide.
|
||
Ernie continued. "This isn't a typical Stone Age house, okay?
|
||
It's actually a set from a 1960's cartoon series called `The
|
||
Flintstones.'"
|
||
"Oh, we know THAT," Captain Memory commented, not bothering to
|
||
look up.
|
||
"You DO?!" Ernie was upset. "Well, well, why didn't you SAY
|
||
something!?"
|
||
"You didn't ask."
|
||
Sterno was considering something Ernie had said a few moments
|
||
earlier. "What makes you think `The Flintstones' isn't typical of
|
||
the Stone Age?"
|
||
Ernie dropped into a chair. This was getting to be to much for
|
||
him, he thought. The more he argued about all of this, the more he
|
||
seemed to be losing ground. He wasn't even sure what point he was
|
||
losing ground on.
|
||
Ernie decided to try another approach. "Okay, I give up. You
|
||
tell me, then: What is going on?"
|
||
"Oh, you want to know what's going on!" said the Captain
|
||
brightly. He always enjoyed telling stories. "Why didn't you say
|
||
so! Well," he went on, warming up to his subject. "All of this is
|
||
totally artificial. It was put here to be a trap..."
|
||
"That's what I was trying to tell you!" cried Ernie excitedly.
|
||
"It's a trap! I knew it!"
|
||
Captain Memory was annoyed. "Do you want to hear this or do
|
||
you want to talk?"
|
||
"Sorry." Ernie shut up.
|
||
"Where was I?" Captain Memory gathered his thoughts. "Oh yes.
|
||
Anyway, this is part of a game called `THE FLINTSTONES', in which
|
||
Fred and Barney thwart an attempt by aliens to take over the Earth
|
||
back in the Stone Age. It's really quite elaborate."
|
||
"An excellent game," Sterno added. "I've played it myself."
|
||
"Anyway," Captain Memory continued. "This house is actually a
|
||
trap set by the aliens to try to capture Earth people. We knew
|
||
that, but we thought we'd come in here anyway, because it's more
|
||
comfortable than a cave, don't you think?"
|
||
"Aha!" cried Sterno.
|
||
"What?!" Ernie was startled.
|
||
"Cigars!" Sterno had found a stone jar, and opened it. He
|
||
pulled out a cigar and examined it, sniffing it carefully. "They're
|
||
not very good, but I suppose they'll have to do. One must, after
|
||
all, make allowances in the Stone Age." He lit one, puffing little
|
||
clouds of blue smoke into the air. Captain Memory returned to the
|
||
TV Guide.
|
||
"So, what about these aliens?" Ernie inquired. "What do they
|
||
want?"
|
||
"Oh, I don't know. Typical alien stuff, I imagine. `Take me to
|
||
your leader', conquer the world, steal your brain. You know, all
|
||
that stuff aliens always do."
|
||
Ernie was mystified. "But why?"
|
||
"Oh, I don't know. Probably from watching old science fiction
|
||
movies on TV. The aliens seem to think that sort of thing is
|
||
expected of them."
|
||
Ernie wasn't following this. "Watching TV? Aliens watch TV?"
|
||
"Of course," Captain Memory went on. "You'd have to expect
|
||
something like that to happen. After all, we've been beaming those
|
||
radio and television waves out into outer space for years. It was
|
||
only a matter of time until someone picked them up. Do you realize
|
||
that there are civilizations forty light years from here that are
|
||
now watching 1950's situation comedies? What do you suppose they
|
||
think of that?"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie began.
|
||
"Did you ever think that they might consider it a hostile
|
||
act?" Captain Memory continued animatedly. "They might think having
|
||
"I Love Lucy" reruns beamed at them is an act of war."
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie wasn't following this too well.
|
||
"Well, look at it from their point of view," Captain Memory
|
||
explained. "Here they are, they come home from a hard day at, well,
|
||
whatever it is they do, they just wanna watch a little TV, you
|
||
know? So they flip on their set, and what do they get? `Mr. Ed',
|
||
`The Flintstones', `I Love Lucy'! They don't wanna watch this! They
|
||
wanna watch, you know, ALIEN shows!"
|
||
Ernie considered this. "I Love Lucy, huh? Well, I can see
|
||
their point."
|
||
"So maybe they decide to flip on the stereo," Captain Memory
|
||
continued. "And what do they get? The Chiffons, the Ronettes, Chuck
|
||
Berry! Maybe they don't like rock n' roll! Did you ever think of
|
||
that?"
|
||
"No," Ernie was amazed. "I thought everybody liked rock n'
|
||
roll!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "You can't take anything
|
||
for granted in Outer Space."
|
||
Ernie found this disturbing. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea
|
||
to let all those TV waves get out into space, then."
|
||
"Probably not," agreed Captain Memory. "But, it's too late
|
||
now. We'll just have to deal with the consequences."
|
||
Ernie didn't like that word `consequences.' He would rather
|
||
not think about what the `consequences' of all of this might be. He
|
||
rubbed his head. He especially didn't like that `steal your brain'
|
||
business.
|
||
"So, what are we gonna do?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"Do?" repeated Captain Memory distantly. He had returned to
|
||
reading.
|
||
Ernie heard a shout far in the distance. He strained his ears.
|
||
There it was again! It sounded like...`Yabba-dabba-doo?'
|
||
"Look, I think we ought to get out of here," Ernie pleaded. "I
|
||
think something bad is gonna happen if we don't leave, like, right
|
||
now!"
|
||
"Oh, my! What a coincidence!" cried Captain Memory.
|
||
"What now?" Ernie asked uneasily.
|
||
"You'll never guess what's on! And here we were, talking about
|
||
almost that very thing just a moment ago!"
|
||
Ernie had a bad feeling about this. "Not..."
|
||
"That's right!" returned Captain Memory jovially. "TRUTH OR
|
||
CONSEQUENCES!"
|
||
"I really don't wanna watch..." But it was too late. Captain
|
||
Memory had already flipped on the set.
|
||
The set came on. "...and here's our host," the announcer was
|
||
saying. "That fabulous Frenchman, Henri Gruyere!"
|
||
"This isn't the `Truth or Consequences' I remember!" said
|
||
Ernie suspiciously. As usual, no-one was listening.
|
||
"Gut efening, ladies und gentlemen!" the host was saying. He
|
||
was an unpleasant-looking man wearing a traditional French outfit:
|
||
red-striped shirt, scarf, beret. The only things that seemed a bit
|
||
out of place were his monocle and jackboots.
|
||
"First of all," he continued. "I vould like to point out dot
|
||
I am French. I am not German. Not at all. Not efen a little bit."
|
||
"Wait a minute," said Sterno suspiciously. " Something smells
|
||
here!"
|
||
"Hmm?" Captain Memory looked up unconcernedly.
|
||
"Think about it!" cried Sterno. "Don't you realize..!? His
|
||
name! Gruyere! It's...CHEESE!"
|
||
But, it was, as usual, too late. Sudden brightness dazzled
|
||
Ernie's eyes. As his vision cleared, he found himself standing on
|
||
a game-show stage, with Captain Memory and Sterno beside him. He
|
||
blinked and staggered, disoriented by the sudden change of scene.
|
||
He moaned and held his head until the sickening swimming sensation
|
||
stopped.
|
||
Ernie looked up. He was facing the audience. He noticed
|
||
something odd about the people watching. Oh, that's it, he thought.
|
||
They're all wearing Nazi uniforms.
|
||
"I thought you said this couldn't happen," he said to Captain
|
||
Memory accusingly. "I thought you said there was a million-to-one
|
||
chance of us getting sucked in through a TV again!"
|
||
Captain memory shrugged. "So I was wrong," he admitted. "So
|
||
sue me!"
|
||
The game shoe host turned to the threesome. "Perhaps you vould
|
||
like to step through door number three?" the host said to them.
|
||
Ernie turned around. A number of very nice prizes were
|
||
displayed on the stage: a red sports car, furniture, some shiny new
|
||
appliances. Several very attractive women in cut-down outfits were
|
||
standing around the stage. Unfortunately, they all carried guns,
|
||
which they held trained on Ernie and the others.
|
||
Captain Memory was replying to the talk show host, "No, I
|
||
don't think we would care to step through door number three. Thanks
|
||
just the same."
|
||
The talk show host laughed unpleasantly. "I vould strongly
|
||
recommend dot you step through door number three!" he said
|
||
urgently.
|
||
"No, we'd really rather not," answered the Captain pleasantly.
|
||
The host's face darkened. "You vill shtep through dat door!
|
||
NOW!" The women's fingers tightened menacingly on their triggers.
|
||
"Oh, well, if you put it that way," the three of them found
|
||
themselves prodded towards door number three. The door opened in
|
||
front of them, and they found themselves thrust into blackness. The
|
||
door slammed behind them with a resounding crash.
|
||
Ernie blinked. As his eyes began to adjust, he could see that
|
||
the room they were in was not entirely dark. A small amount of
|
||
light came in from a barred window high up on the opposite wall.
|
||
They were in a large chamber with damp stone walls and a dirt
|
||
floor. It seemed to be...a dungeon.
|
||
"Oh great," Ernie muttered. "So this is what's behind door
|
||
number three!"
|
||
"It could've been worse," said Captain Memory jovially.
|
||
"Oh yeah?" Ernie returned glumly. "How?"
|
||
"It could've been door number four."
|
||
"So? What's the big deal about door number four?"
|
||
"Oh," Captain Memory shook his head. "You don't ever want to
|
||
go behind door number four!"
|
||
Ernie didn't like the sound of that. "So, what is it?"
|
||
"It's the worst," Captain Memory went on ominously. "I mean,
|
||
it's just too horrible..."
|
||
A voice came from out of the darkness. "Hi, guys!"
|
||
Ernie was taken aback. It hadn't occurred to him that someone
|
||
else might be in the dungeon with them.
|
||
A figure approached from out of the darkness. Ernie gasped. It
|
||
was a horrendous creature with the body of a human, but the
|
||
tremendously enlarged head of a fly, complete with huge, faceted
|
||
eyes, antennae, and a long, trunk-like snout. It was wearing rather
|
||
a nice designer suit. "Say," the creature continued. "Have any of
|
||
you guys seen my date?"
|
||
Ernie stared soundlessly.
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Sorry."
|
||
The creature sighed. "She seemed like such a nice girl, too."
|
||
The creature shuffled back and forth, scuffing his expensive
|
||
designer shoes in the dirt.
|
||
Ernie peered at the creature. He didn't seem to be menacing at
|
||
all. Quite the contrary. In fact, he seemed quite unhappy. But then
|
||
again, Ernie thought, it's kind of hard to read expressions on a
|
||
fly.
|
||
"Aww, that's okay, guys," the Fly said sadly. "You don't have
|
||
to tell me. I can figure it out. She took off, right?" He sighed.
|
||
"Just like all the others."
|
||
Poor guy, Ernie thought. His date stood him up. Ernie could
|
||
sympathize; he'd been in situations like that himself. Of course,
|
||
this guy did have an unusual problem.
|
||
"I know," the Fly continued. "It's my looks, right?" His
|
||
antennae drooped sadly. "One little accident, and there goes your
|
||
whole social life."
|
||
Ernie felt awkward. What was he expected to say in a situation
|
||
like this?
|
||
Nothing, apparently, for the Fly went on: "I mean, I've got a
|
||
nice personality, I'm intelligent, I'm a fun guy, you know? I got
|
||
a good job, a nice car, I paid a lotta money for this suit." He
|
||
fingered the expensive silk lapels. "But girls nowadays, do they
|
||
care? Naw, all they care about is looks!" The Fly continued
|
||
animatedly. He really seemed to appreciate the opportunity to get
|
||
all of this off his chest. "I mean, I go into a bar, you know, not
|
||
one of those sleazy places, but a nice singles spot, where the
|
||
drinks cost like five bucks each, you know? I figure, maybe I can
|
||
meet some nice girls here. So, I see some cute chick, I try to
|
||
start up a conversation, and, like, does she even give me a chance?
|
||
Hell, no! I mean, she doesn't even wait to find out, like, what I'm
|
||
all about or anything. It's just `gasp, scream, faint,' `gasp,
|
||
scream, faint,' the same old thing over and over again. I mean,
|
||
what kind of a way is that to behave? Don't girls have any manners
|
||
anymore?" He sighed. "Looks. All they care about is looks."
|
||
"Gee, that's...too bad," Ernie really didn't know what to say.
|
||
"Thanks, guy," the Fly answered. "I really appreciate it. I
|
||
don't get to talk to too many people around here, you know?"
|
||
A disturbing thought occurred to Ernie. "Is this guy okay?" he
|
||
whispered to Captain Memory. "I mean, he's not an alien or
|
||
anything, is he?"
|
||
"Oh, no," laughed Captain Memory. "He's the Fly! You saw the
|
||
movie, didn't you?"
|
||
"Well, yeah," admitted Ernie. "But I thought it was, well, a
|
||
movie!"
|
||
"You see?" replied Captain Memory. "I told you it could be
|
||
worse. At least you're trapped in Cyperspace as yourself. He's
|
||
trapped as the Fly!"
|
||
Ernie had to admit that the Captain was right about that.
|
||
Still, it didn't make him fell much better.
|
||
"Anyway," continued Captain Memory, looking at the Fly. "The
|
||
aliens are much prettier."
|
||
"I say," said Sterno to the Fly. "You wouldn't happen to have
|
||
a cigar on you by any chance, would you?"
|
||
"Sure, guy," the Fly pulled out an expensive gold cigar case
|
||
and flipped it open.
|
||
Sterno removed a cigar and examined it. "Lovely!" He seemed
|
||
very pleased. "Havana, no less! Thanks ever so much!"
|
||
"Hey, my pleasure," The Fly seemed to enjoy the opportunity to
|
||
show off his fine-quality things. It seemed to Ernie that the Fly
|
||
had gone to a lot of trouble to get the best of everything, but
|
||
didn't have much opportunity to impress people with it.
|
||
"Are we going to be leaving here soon?" Sterno inquired of
|
||
Captain Memory. "It is awfully damp in here, and it rather bothers
|
||
my sinuses."
|
||
Ernie shivered. The dampness was getting to him, too. Wearing
|
||
only a loincloth as he was, he had little protection from the
|
||
chill.
|
||
"Hey, I like the loincloth, guy," the Fly said to Ernie.
|
||
"That`s the new `in' thing, right? Maybe I'll get one. You think
|
||
the girls would go for it?" Ernie didn't know how to reply.
|
||
"Well, I guess there's no point in hanging around here much
|
||
longer," Captain Memory decided. "After all, there's no TV."
|
||
"You guys gonna leave?" The Fly seemed crestfallen, or
|
||
perhaps, antenna-fallen. "But you just got here!" He brightened.
|
||
"Hey, you guys are gonna go someplace fun, right? Can I come? Huh?
|
||
Can I?"
|
||
"Well..." Captain Memory began.
|
||
"Do you know how we can get out of here?" Sterno inquired.
|
||
"Hey, no problem!" answered the Fly. "You can take the 5:15
|
||
out of LaGuardia, and that'll get you there in about, oh, two hours
|
||
forty minutes, but if you want the special rate you gotta stay from
|
||
Sunday through Saturday but not any Mondays, or you can take the
|
||
6:25 out of O'Hare, but then you gotta..."
|
||
"What about the door?" Ernie broke in.
|
||
"Oh." The Fly was disappointed. He enjoyed showing off his
|
||
detailed knowledge of travel arrangements. "Yeah, well, there's
|
||
always the door."
|
||
Ernie looked at the door. It was made of heavy steel, and
|
||
seemed to be secure bolted. "So, how do we open it?"
|
||
"Just knock." The Fly seemed to think this was all too simple,
|
||
and therefore not very much fun.
|
||
Ernie knocked. He heard the sound of a bolt being thrown back,
|
||
and the door creaked open. Outside were two burly guards in black
|
||
Nazi SS uniforms. "Ja?"
|
||
"Uh, is it okay if we go now?" Ernie asked brightly.
|
||
"NEIN!" The door slammed.
|
||
"Oh, not like that!" The Fly seemed impatient. "You gotta use,
|
||
like, subterfuge, you know? Here, I'll show you!" The Fly was
|
||
pleased to have another opportunity to show off his expertise at
|
||
something. He knocked on the door.
|
||
The door creaked open again. "Ja?"
|
||
"I gotta go to the bathroom!" the Fly said urgently.
|
||
The guards looked at each other. "Vhat are ve supposed to do
|
||
now? Dey didn't tell us vhat to do if dis happened." They looked
|
||
hesitant. "Vell, I don't know. I don't tink so..."
|
||
Sensing failure, the Fly quickly switched tactics. "Hey,
|
||
look!" he cried, pointing past the guards. "A naked lady!"
|
||
"Vhere?! VHERE?!" cried the guards, peering into the distance.
|
||
The Fly threw his entire weight against the door, which flew open.
|
||
"RUN!" he cried to the others. He sprinted toward center stage,
|
||
followed by Ernie, Sterno, and Captain Memory.
|
||
A startled von Liederkranz was on center stage, trying to
|
||
flirt with the chorus girls. "Guards!" he cried. "Don't let dem get
|
||
avay!" He grabbed the nearest weapon, which, in this case happened
|
||
to be an alien Blaster of unknown properties. He aimed it at the
|
||
foursome, who were sprinting towards a door marked "EXIT". "Shtop,
|
||
or I'll shoot!" Von Liederkranz threatened. The four continued to
|
||
run. Von Liederkranz pulled the trigger.
|
||
A huge ball of magneto-gravitational energy flashed from the
|
||
muzzle of the Blaster, instantly hurtling Ernie and the others into
|
||
a totally different Space-Time Continuum.
|
||
Von Liederkranz looked ruefully at the Blaster, and then at
|
||
the smoking hole in the stage where the foursome had been only a
|
||
nanosecond earlier. "Vell," von Liederkranz admitted. "Perhaps dot
|
||
vasn't der best veapon to use."
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Chapter 3
|
||
|
||
Ernie, Captain Memory, Sterno, and the Fly sat on a rocky
|
||
crag, overlooking a lifeless purple sea. They watched the waves
|
||
crash against the rocks beneath them.
|
||
Ernie sighed. "So, where are we now?"
|
||
"Well, as far as I can figure out," said Captain Memory
|
||
thoughtfully. "We seem to have been blasted back to somewhere on
|
||
the order of four billion B.C. Life has not evolved yet on Earth."
|
||
"Huh?" said Ernie. "You mean, we traveled in time?"
|
||
"Of course not," the Captain replied. "What really happened is
|
||
that we got sent to another sector of Cyberspace. Probably by
|
||
accident." Captain Memory looked around. "After all, I can't see
|
||
any reason for Von Liederkranz to have sent us here on purpose!"
|
||
Ernie looked out over the purple waves. "So, where ARE we? I
|
||
mean, really?"
|
||
Captain Memory thought a moment. "We're probably in somebody's
|
||
Geology program. You know, like computer models of primeval Earth?"
|
||
He looked at the barren landscape. "While we didn't actually travel
|
||
in time, it's almost as if we did. This is like actually being on
|
||
Earth at the beginning of life."
|
||
Wow, thought Ernie. That's really cosmic.
|
||
The Fly looked at the bare rocks around them. "You know, man,
|
||
this place is, like, really dead."
|
||
"Exactly," Captain Memory agreed.
|
||
"I mean," the Fly went on. "There is, like, no girls. None at
|
||
all."
|
||
"That's right."
|
||
"So, like, what good is it?"
|
||
Captain Memory thought a moment. "Good question."
|
||
Ernie watched the orange sun, in a green sky, which was slowly
|
||
setting against a purple sea. "This is really a weird scene," he
|
||
commented. "I have never seen anything like this. Not even on TV."
|
||
He thought about that for a moment. "Not even on TV? Why, that
|
||
could mean that there's..."
|
||
"No TV," Captain Memory agreed. "Not much reason to stay here
|
||
then, is there?"
|
||
Ernie noticed a motion out of the corner of his eye. "I'm not
|
||
sure you ought to throw those cigar butts on the ground here," he
|
||
said to Sterno.
|
||
Sterno looked annoyed. "Why in the world not?"
|
||
"Well, I don't know that much about this," Ernie said. "But it
|
||
seems to me I read somewhere that the further you go back in time,
|
||
the more effect your actions have on the future. Therefore, if we
|
||
make even little changes way back here in four billion B.C., it
|
||
might have some kind of real big effect by the time we get back to
|
||
our own time."
|
||
"Utterly ridiculous," scoffed Sterno, flicking cigar ash into
|
||
the sea."This isn't REALLY four billion B.C., it's only a computer
|
||
model of four billion B.C."
|
||
"Well, yeah," Ernie admitted uneasily. "But the Captain said
|
||
that this was almost the same as really being there. And, I dunno,
|
||
I just have a real bad feeling about those cigar butts."
|
||
"Really." Sterno looked totally bored. "I just can't tell you
|
||
how concerned that makes me." He yawned.
|
||
"Well, well, I just don't think it's a good idea, that's all."
|
||
"Well, you know how it goes," said Captain Memory jovially.
|
||
"It's all just six of one, twelve dozen of another."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "I don't think that's right.
|
||
"Isn't it? Oh well," said Captain Memory cheerily. "Math was
|
||
never one of my strong points. Anyway, no time to worry about that
|
||
now. Let's be off, shall we?" He though a moment. "Let's try some
|
||
Machine Language: 010F E4 61." The scene vanished.
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
The foursome found themselves standing in the middle of a road
|
||
in bright sunlight. Once again, Ernie blinked and staggered, his
|
||
stomach doing flip-flops. As his vision cleared, He could see
|
||
around him what appeared to be an idyllic country scene. A rustic
|
||
rail fence bordered the road. Beyond the fence stood farms,
|
||
surrounded by fields full of amber waves of grain. In the distance
|
||
stood majestic purple mountains. Ernie turned around. Behind them
|
||
lay a broad plain. Ernie was pretty sure there was fruit on it.
|
||
"I wonder where we are?" the Fly asked.
|
||
Sterno looked around. "Kansas?" he suggested.
|
||
Ernie began to get that queasy feeling in the pit of his
|
||
stomach again. A look down confirmed his worst fears: the road was
|
||
yellow brick.
|
||
"I don't think I like this," said Ernie warily.
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "You never like anything!"
|
||
Ernie tried to explain. "Well, you see..."
|
||
"I know, I know," Sterno interrupted. "You have a really bad
|
||
feeling about this. You've seen it all before. You think it's a
|
||
trap."
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "Well...yeah."
|
||
Sterno sighed. "You know, this is all becoming really
|
||
tiresome. I do SO wish you'd find something else to go on about!"
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. Suddenly, he smiled broadly. "Hey, I
|
||
get it! This is all really just a game, right?"
|
||
Sterno moaned. "Not THAT again!" Even Captain Memory looked
|
||
annoyed.
|
||
The Fly was confused. "Like, what is this guy talking about?"
|
||
he asked Captain Memory. The Captain just rolled his eyes upward
|
||
and made little spinning motions around his temple with his
|
||
forefinger.
|
||
"Oh, wow," the Fly went on. "So is this guy, like, crazy, or
|
||
what?"
|
||
"Well, you know how it is," Captain Memory explained, not
|
||
unsympathetically. "Some people just don't deal well with travel.
|
||
It's too stressful for them. It upsets their systems."
|
||
"Oh, wow," said the Fly compassionately. "Poor guy."
|
||
Ernie was annoyed. "Awright, you guys, knock it off, okay? I
|
||
mean, enough is enough, all right?" Actually, he thought there was
|
||
probably quite a bit of truth to what Captain Memory had been
|
||
saying. The stress probably WAS upsetting his system. However, even
|
||
if he agreed with what the Captain had to say, he resented his tone
|
||
of voice.
|
||
"So, like, what are we gonna do now, guys?" the Fly wanted to
|
||
know.
|
||
"Well," the Captain began jovially. "I guess we'll just have
|
||
to follow the..."
|
||
"DON'T SAY IT!" Ernie broke in. "Okay?! Just don't say it!"
|
||
"Touchy, touchy," sniffed Sterno.
|
||
Captain Memory was somewhat taken aback. "Well...have it your
|
||
way. Let's go that way." He gestured down the road.
|
||
The Fly shook his head. "I shoulda known. Anybody who'd wear
|
||
a loincloth like that..." He noticed Ernie glaring at him, and
|
||
stopped. "Hey, no offense..." He shrugged.
|
||
Ernie scowled.
|
||
They began walking down the road. Ernie peered ahead. Far
|
||
ahead down the road, he seemed to see something large and green.
|
||
Big and green?, Ernie thought. Is that, the Emerald...?
|
||
Suddenly, Ernie had an idea. He stopped, clicked his heels
|
||
together three times, clenched his eyes tightly shut, and said
|
||
"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no
|
||
place like home!"
|
||
He opened his eyes. The other three were standing around him,
|
||
staring. "What is WRONG with you?!" Sterno demanded.
|
||
Ernie was acutely aware of everyone watching him. "I'm having
|
||
a bad day, okay?" he said defensively. "Just leave me alone!" He
|
||
began walking forward again, quickly.
|
||
"My, aren't we sensitive today!" Sterno said snidely.
|
||
The Fly shook his head sadly. "The human mind is such a
|
||
fragile thing!"
|
||
They proceeded down the road. The green object in the distance
|
||
began to resolve itself into some kind of building. Ernie continued
|
||
to be very unhappy about the entire situation, but decided he was
|
||
sick of being made fun of, and said nothing.
|
||
They approached the green building. It was done in Greek-
|
||
revival style, with huge Classical columns in the front. "Hey, it's
|
||
a bank!" noticed the Fly. "Do you suppose I can cash a check?"
|
||
The letters carved into the Greek-style pediment of the
|
||
building did, in fact, identify it as a bank. Ernie was confused.
|
||
He hadn't expected to find a bank here.
|
||
"Why would there be a bank here?" Ernie asked incredulously.
|
||
Captain Memory regarded the building. "Looks like we might
|
||
have run into a piece of somebody's business program. Accounting,
|
||
or bank operations or something." He shook his head. "That's what
|
||
happens when you start sticking a bunch of unrelated systems
|
||
together. You never know WHAT you're going to wind up with!"
|
||
They proceeded up the long, marble stairway and entered the
|
||
bank. The interior was huge and very ornate, done in Victorian
|
||
style. Everything seemed antique, as though the bank were right out
|
||
of the 19th century. They walked up to a row of teller's windows,
|
||
each of which was protected by elaborate Victorian grillwork.
|
||
The Fly pulled a very nice quality leather checkbook out of
|
||
his suit pocket. "Hey," he said to the teller, a rather prim-
|
||
looking young woman. "Can you cash a check?"
|
||
"I'm sorry, we can't." She didn't really seem to be sorry at
|
||
all. "We can't do anything right now. Our computers are down."
|
||
Ernie looked around. He saw men at high desks carefully
|
||
copying numbers with long quill pens. Nowhere was there any sign of
|
||
electricity, much less computers. "You don't have any computers,"
|
||
Ernie said suspiciously.
|
||
The teller's expression turned ugly. "Well, we're still not
|
||
going to cash your check," she snapped.
|
||
"Why not?" The Fly wanted to know.
|
||
"We can't do any business. Our...our accountant has gone
|
||
crazy!" she concluded triumphantly.
|
||
Ernie looked at the teller suspiciously. Something very
|
||
peculiar was going on here. However, he decided not to say anything
|
||
about it because he didn't want to be made fun of.
|
||
"I wanna talk to the manager," the Fly decided.
|
||
"Good," the teller sneered. "The manager would like to talk to
|
||
all of you, RIGHT NOW!"
|
||
The teller came out from behind the counter and led them all
|
||
into a room which looked very much like a bank office. There,
|
||
behind a very large desk, sat a disagreeable-looking old woman with
|
||
a sour expression. Ernie somehow knew that the woman had something
|
||
unpleasant in mind for them.
|
||
"Well, it's about time!" she snapped as they entered the room.
|
||
"There's a little matter of an unpaid balance to be taken care of!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the woman. She was wearing a severely tailored
|
||
grey suit, with her greying hair pulled back in a tight bun. For
|
||
some reason, however, she was wearing shoes that didn't match her
|
||
outfit. They were a brilliant, sparkling red.
|
||
The Fly approached the desk. "Hey, I got this check..."
|
||
"Just one minute!" The manager cut him off rudely. "There's a
|
||
little matter to be taken care of first!" She pulled out a sheaf of
|
||
papers. "We have an invoice here for `Time Continuum Repair and
|
||
Reality Maintenance' which was referred to our department for non-
|
||
payment. Which of you is going to take care of this matter?"
|
||
Sterno was becoming impatient. "What ARE you talking about?"
|
||
The manager began reading from the papers. "It seems there was
|
||
a little problem with cigars butts left at four billion B.C."
|
||
Ernie glared at Sterno, who looked innocently off into the air,
|
||
twiddling his thumbs. "It seems these foreign materials left at
|
||
such an early point caused slime creatures to evolve into the
|
||
dominant life form on Earth. Precluding this disgusting development
|
||
required a maintenance order which took, let me see," she flipped
|
||
through the pages and pulled out a sheet marked "Work Order". "Here
|
||
it is: one million, two hundred and fifty-two thousand and three
|
||
standard Earth years, and forty-five minutes. Now, at $39.75 per
|
||
hour, plus time-and-a-half for overtime, and double-time on
|
||
Sundays, that comes to," she flipped through some more pages "One
|
||
hundred and ninety-five quadrillion, four hundred and twelve
|
||
trillion, seven hundred and seventy-one billion, two hundred and
|
||
thirteen million, three hundred and twelve thousand and thirty-two
|
||
dollars and twenty-nine cents." She peered at Captain Memory.
|
||
"Would you like to take care of this balance at this time?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Don't look at me! I don't have any
|
||
money."
|
||
The manager peered at the Fly, who looked uncomfortable. "Hey,
|
||
sorry, but I got obligations, you know? I got car payments, I gotta
|
||
pay the rent..." He trailed off.
|
||
The bank manager looked at Ernie. Ernie laughed. This was all
|
||
just too ridiculous. "Sure, put it on my charge," he said
|
||
flippantly.
|
||
The bank manager smiled maliciously. "Mr. Ernest Ross," she
|
||
said in an disagreeable tone of voice, carefully writing his name
|
||
on the invoice with a quill pen.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at Ernie, horrified. "Oh, you shouldn't
|
||
have said that," he said in an ominous tone.
|
||
Ernie began to get the feeling that maybe he had made a big
|
||
mistake. The bank manager looked up at him. "Now, when may we
|
||
expect payment?"
|
||
Ernie looked desperately to the others. They were all
|
||
pointedly ignoring him. "Look," he said urgently. "Forget I said
|
||
that, okay? I take it back!"
|
||
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said in a tone of malicious sweetness.
|
||
"I'm afraid you can't do that. Now, will you be paying in cash or
|
||
by check?"
|
||
"A hundred and ninety-five quadrillion dollars," said the Fly
|
||
wonderingly. "That's a lot of money. That's more than I make in a
|
||
week!"
|
||
Ernie was beginning to panic. "No! I won't! Forget it! I'm not
|
||
going to pay that bill!"
|
||
"You'll pay this bill, my fine little friend," the bank
|
||
manager cackled. "Or I'll take care of you," she looked at Sterno,
|
||
"and your little dog, too!" She laughed nastily.
|
||
"What a witch!" the Fly commented.
|
||
Suddenly, Ernie had a brilliant idea. He grabbed a vase of
|
||
flowers off the desk, yanked the flowers out of it, and threw the
|
||
water all over the bank manager.
|
||
"Eeyah!" she screamed. "I'm all wet!"
|
||
The Fly looked at Ernie wonderingly. "Why in the world did you
|
||
do that?"
|
||
Ernie looked at the bank manager. She was glaring and hissing
|
||
at him, water dripping off her face. She was not melting at all.
|
||
Ernie became uncomfortably aware of everyone staring at him. "Uh,
|
||
well, I thought..." Ernie stuttered.
|
||
"You'll have to excuse our friend," Captain Memory ad-libbed
|
||
quickly. "It's the stress, you see. Financial problems. He's not
|
||
coping..." The three began hustling Ernie towards the door.
|
||
The bank manager arose, hissing and spitting. "You haven't
|
||
heard the last of this," she shrieked. "You'll see!
|
||
The four rushed quickly through the bank and back out onto the
|
||
road. The stopped to get their bearings.
|
||
"Well, I hope you're satisfied," Sterno said contemptuously to
|
||
Ernie. "You've really made a mess of things now!"
|
||
"Me!" cried Ernie. "Hey, I'm not the one who left those cigar
|
||
butts back in four billion B.C. It's not MY fault..."
|
||
"Oh, sure," Sterno interrupted. "Try and blame it on me..."
|
||
"Hey, guys!" the Fly broke in. "Look at that!"
|
||
The Fly's huge, multi-faceted eyes had picked up a detail the
|
||
others had failed to notice: behind the bank was a small, flat-
|
||
roofed brick building. A neon sign proclaimed: Deer Bar. There was
|
||
a large picture of a deer beneath it.
|
||
"Hey, guys, it's a bar!" the Fly continued. "Whaddya say we
|
||
stop in for a drink? Hey, maybe we can meet some girls!"
|
||
The others looked at each others confusedly. "Hey, it's okay,
|
||
guys!" The Fly went on. "I'll buy!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked relieved. "Well, in that case, sure!
|
||
Thanks!" They all started towards the bar.
|
||
Ernie was finding all of this very confusing. Every time he
|
||
thought he was beginning to understand what was going on, events
|
||
took a turn in an entirely different direction. Wasn't this
|
||
supposed to be the Emerald City? He didn't recall any bars in the
|
||
Emerald City! And what about that bank? And what happened to Judy
|
||
Garland? They entered the bar. Well, Ernie thought. I'm not sure if
|
||
this is a good idea or not, but I could really use a drink.
|
||
Ernie found the interior of the bar reassuring. It was cool
|
||
and dark. It looked like a typical corner bar, with a typical
|
||
corner bartender. In one corner behind the bar a TV set was
|
||
mounted, but luckily it was turned off. There were few other
|
||
customers in the place, but, of course, business was always kind of
|
||
slow in the middle of the day. They seated themselves at the bar.
|
||
They bartender, a portly, balding man smoking a cigar, came up
|
||
to them. "What'll you have?"
|
||
"What kind of beer you got?" The Fly wanted to know.
|
||
"Deer."
|
||
"Deer?" The Fly was puzzled.
|
||
"Deer Beer," the bartender stated matter-of-factly. "This is
|
||
the Deer Bar, we got Deer Beer. You want it or not?"
|
||
"Uh, yeah, okay," the Fly replied, somewhat confused. "Uh,
|
||
three Deer Beers."
|
||
Ernie looked at the Fly. It occurred to him that no-one around
|
||
here seemed at all disturbed by the Fly's looks. That seemed to a
|
||
bit odd. He would have expected the Fly to have attracted somewhat
|
||
more attention. But then on the other hand, Ernie thought, it
|
||
probably didn't mean anything. After all, everything is pretty
|
||
strange around here. Ernie appreciated the opportunity to relax and
|
||
have a beer.
|
||
The Fly pointed into the darkness at the far end of the bar.
|
||
"Hey, get a load of that babe!" he said to Ernie, his antennae
|
||
waving excitedly.
|
||
Ernie peered intently. He could just barely see, in the dim
|
||
light, a rather disreputable-looking young woman with bleached
|
||
blond hair and a skimpy outfit, perched on a stool at the far end
|
||
of the bar.
|
||
"What's your name, dear?" The Fly called out to her.
|
||
"Bambi," she replied.
|
||
The Fly was encouraged. "Hey, whaddya say we..."
|
||
"Cost you bucks," she interrupted.
|
||
The Fly's antennae drooped dispiritedly. "How come there
|
||
aren't any nice girls around anymore?" He turned back to his beer.
|
||
Sterno looked about worriedly. He sniffed. "Something smells
|
||
very peculiar around here."
|
||
"Probably just onions." Ernie was unconcerned.
|
||
"Hardly!" sniffed Sterno. "There is something seriously wrong
|
||
about this place!"
|
||
"NOW who's paranoid?" Ernie dismissed Sterno's fears.
|
||
Just then the door to the bar opened, and a woman walked in.
|
||
She had flaming red hair, and was wearing a 1950's-style party
|
||
dress. "Hi, there, fellas!" she said loudly.
|
||
"HI!" The Fly jumped up, his antennae waving excitedly. "Say,
|
||
can I buy you a drink?"
|
||
"Sure!" she answered in a brassy voice. Ernie looked at the
|
||
woman. Not my type, he thought. Too loud. He looked at her again.
|
||
Something about her seemed very familiar. Ernie was sure he had
|
||
seen her before, but he couldn't quite remember where.
|
||
"Gee!" she said to the Fly. "You sure are different-looking!
|
||
Where are you from?"
|
||
The Fly thought quickly. "Uh..France!"
|
||
"Oh, sure, I know France!" the woman answered brightly. "Ooh-
|
||
la-la, c'est-la-vie, Eiffel Tower, right?"
|
||
"Sure, you got it!" The Fly whispered aside to the others. "Oh
|
||
boy, oh boy, I'm really getting somewhere now!" He turned back to
|
||
the woman. "So, like, what's your name?"
|
||
"Lucy," she answered loudly. The door opened again, and a
|
||
swarthy man with slicked-back black hair entered. He was wearing a
|
||
Cuban shirt with huge ruffled sleeves, and carrying a pair of
|
||
maracas. The woman gestured towards the man. "And this is my
|
||
husband, Ricky."
|
||
"Aww..." the Fly's antennae drooped.
|
||
"How you do!" said the man, with a heavy Spanish accent. "I'm
|
||
Ricky Ricardo, de famous Cuban bandleader." He shook his maracas
|
||
rhythmically. "Chick-a-boom, chick-a-boom."
|
||
"Yeah. Hi." the Fly answered glumly. He turned to the others.
|
||
"Wouldn't you know, she's married." He was obviously deeply
|
||
disappointed. He brightened a bit. "Say," he said to Lucy. "You
|
||
wouldn't happen to have any girlfriends you could ask over, do
|
||
you?"
|
||
"Friends?" said Lucy shrilly. "Sure, I got friends. In fact,
|
||
a couple of them are on there way over right now!"
|
||
The Fly was thrilled. "Oh boy, oh boy!" His antennae waved
|
||
excitedly. He turned to Ricky. "Hey, I like the shirt, guy! It's
|
||
the new `in' thing, right?"
|
||
"Chure!" Ricky agreed. "Ees de latest style in Habana!"
|
||
The door opened, and in walked an older couple, also dressed
|
||
in 1950's styles. "Oh," said Lucy. "Here's my friends now. Fellas,
|
||
this is Fred and Ethel Mertz."
|
||
"Aww." The Fly was disappointed. These weren't the type of
|
||
friends he had been hoping for.
|
||
Sterno leaned forward. "There is something terribly wrong with
|
||
these people," he said to Ernie and the Captain. "I can smell it."
|
||
"Leave me alone," said Ernie. He hadn't forgiven Sterno for
|
||
blaming the bank problem on him.
|
||
All these people looked terribly familiar to Ernie. Suddenly,
|
||
he had it!
|
||
"I've got it!" he shouted.
|
||
The Fly was more mystified than ever. "Now HE'S got it? What
|
||
is it, contagious?" He edged away from Ernie slightly.
|
||
"No, not THAT!" said Ernie impatiently. "I just
|
||
remembered...it's `I Love Lucy'!"
|
||
Lucy put her hand on Ernie's arm. "I love you, too." She said.
|
||
She edged closer. "Now that we're friends, I'd like to ask you a
|
||
little favor."
|
||
"What?" asked Ernie suspiciously.
|
||
"It's just a little thing..." she began hesitantly.
|
||
"What?" He edged away uncomfortably.
|
||
"We'd just like to borrow it, just for a little while. We'll
|
||
bring it right back..."
|
||
"What?!" Ernie was getting impatient.
|
||
"Um," Lucy seemed a bit embarrassed. "We'd like to borrow your
|
||
brain."
|
||
"MY BRAIN!" shrieked Ernie.
|
||
"We just want to borrow it," said Lucy quickly. "Just for a
|
||
little while. We're not going to steal it!" Lucy laughed nervously.
|
||
"NO!" Ernie cried.
|
||
"Really, you don't have anything to worry about!" Lucy
|
||
continued. "We're not going to take it back to our home planet, or
|
||
anything! And we're certainly not going to put it into a giant
|
||
killer robot and use it to take over the Earth!" She laughed. "We
|
||
would never do that!" She turned to Ricky and the Mertz's. "Would
|
||
we?"
|
||
"Oh, no," they all laughed. "We'd never do that! Never!"
|
||
"There, that proves it!" Lucy concluded. "So, how about it?"
|
||
She reached towards Ernie's head.
|
||
"NO!" Ernie screamed, leaping off the bar stool. "Keep your
|
||
hands off my brain!" He whipped out his plastic broadsword and
|
||
brandished it menacingly.
|
||
After standing there a few moments, Ernie became aware of
|
||
everyone looking at him very peculiarly.
|
||
"Hey, guy," the Fly inquired. "Like, what are you gonna do
|
||
with that plastic sword?"
|
||
Ernie could hear the sound of muffled laughter, but he
|
||
couldn't tell where it was coming from. Ernie glowered. "Okay,
|
||
okay," he said, replacing the sword in it's sheath. "Just keep your
|
||
hands off my brain, all right?"
|
||
Lucy frowned. She looked at Sterno, and then looked at her
|
||
companions. "Dog brain?" she asked them. They all shook their
|
||
heads, no. She looked at the Fly. "Fly brain?" she asked Ricky and
|
||
the Mertz's. "Nope." They shook their heads. She looked at Captain
|
||
Memory. She smiled broadly. "I wonder if I could ask you a
|
||
favor..."she began.
|
||
"No chance!" Captain Memory cut her off.
|
||
Her expression became ugly. Extremely ugly. In fact, thought
|
||
Ernie, she was changing into just about the ugliest thing Ernie had
|
||
ever seen. Lucy snarled, revealing rows of pointed, reptilian-
|
||
looking teeth and a forked tongue.
|
||
"Foolish Earth creatures!" she hissed, pulling out a
|
||
frightening-looking weapon. "You will turn your brains over to us,
|
||
or we will destroy this miserable planet of yours!"
|
||
"Who ARE these people?" Ernie whispered to Captain Memory.
|
||
"Remember I told you about those aliens?" Captain Memory
|
||
asked. Ernie nodded. "Well, here they are!"
|
||
"Hey, guys, what do we do now?" the Fly asked Ernie and
|
||
Captain Memory, looking at Lucy's weapon uneasily.
|
||
Captain Memory looked up brightly. "Hey," he said to Lucy and
|
||
her companions. "Wanna watch some TV?"
|
||
Lucy and the other aliens were totally confused. "Watch TV? I
|
||
don't remember that! Is that in the script? What are we supposed to
|
||
do?" They looked at each other confusedly.
|
||
"Oh, wow, look what's on!" Before anyone could stop him,
|
||
Captain Memory had reached behind the bar and turned on the TV.
|
||
"It's time for `Wheel of Torture!'"
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 4
|
||
|
||
An image of Sturmbannfuhrer Dr. Heinz von Liederkranz filled
|
||
the screen. "Vis us tonight," he began. "Ve haff our contestants
|
||
from our last show." He turned to introduce them. "First, Captain
|
||
Memory!" Captain Memory bowed, to polite applause from the
|
||
audience. "Goombah de Barbarian!" Ernie blinked and staggered. Once
|
||
again, he suddenly found himself on the game show stage. His
|
||
stomach flipped over once again. He hated these abrupt changes of
|
||
scene. "Not again," he moaned.
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Hey, that's show biz!"
|
||
The audience was staring at Ernie. They seemed to be expecting
|
||
something. He smiled and waved half-heartedly. The audience
|
||
tittered and applauded weakly. Ernie noticed that the audience was
|
||
still made up entirely of Nazis.
|
||
He sighed. He might have known he would wind up back here, he
|
||
thought. Whatever the worst thing is that could possibly happen,
|
||
that's what will happen. Ernie frowned. In fact, this was even the
|
||
worst thing that couldn't possibly happen, and it was happening
|
||
anyway! Wasn't that against Murphy's Law, or something? Anyway, it
|
||
was all very confusing.
|
||
Von Liederkranz turned to the other side of the stage. Ernie
|
||
noticed that the aliens had been transported onto the game show as
|
||
well, and were now staggering and blinking, just like Ernie.
|
||
"Und tonight, ve have vith us special guests," von Liederkranz
|
||
said, gesturing towards the aliens with his riding crop. "Lucy and
|
||
Ricky Ricardo, the famous Cuban bandleader, and their friends, Fred
|
||
and Ethel Mertz." Thunderous applause greeted the introduction.
|
||
The aliens were utterly confused. "Chick-a-boom?" asked Ricky,
|
||
shaking his maracas feebly. The Mertz's drew alien weapons,
|
||
pointing them in all directions uncertainly.
|
||
"Und now, ze big question," von Liederkranz said to the
|
||
aliens. "Vill you take vot's in dis bag," he held up a small paper
|
||
bag, which looked a lot like somebody's lunch. "Or try for vot's
|
||
behind door number four!"
|
||
The audience was hushed with anticipation. The aliens looked
|
||
at each other in confusion. "What do we do? I wasn't prepared for
|
||
this! I don't know what to do!" they told each other.
|
||
Captain Memory decided to help them out. "Anyone with any
|
||
BRAINS would take what's behind door number four!" he hinted.
|
||
The aliens brightened. "Brains! Brains! Yes, that's it! Let's
|
||
take what's behind door number four!" They looked pleased. "Chick-
|
||
a-BOOM!" said Ricky definitely.
|
||
"Door number four it is!" called out von Liederkranz. The
|
||
audience roared it's approval.
|
||
An attractive woman in a chorus-girl outfit opened door number
|
||
four, and the aliens filed in, looking very pleased. As soon as the
|
||
last alien was inside, the door slammed with a metallic crash. The
|
||
chorus girl reached over and daintily locked it.
|
||
Immediately, Ernie began to hear the sounds of commotion
|
||
coming from behind the door. At first, pounding, then thuds, then
|
||
shrill, blood-curdling screams. The screams continued for several
|
||
minutes, and then died away. Finally, all was silent behind door
|
||
number four.
|
||
The audience applauded. "Vell," von Liederkranz announced
|
||
jovially. "Looks like dey got vot dey had coming to dem, doesn't
|
||
it?" He laughed. He turned to Ernie, Captain Memory, and the
|
||
others. Ernie noticed that, while their attention had been drawn
|
||
elsewhere, guards with machine guns had surrounded them. "Shtill,
|
||
it vas very considerate of dem to find you for me," he said, with
|
||
an evil gleam in his eye. "I vas afraid ve had lost you forever
|
||
after dat unfortunate incident vit de alien Blaster." Von
|
||
Liederkranz turned to the guard nearest him. "...for vhich YOU vill
|
||
pay, schweinhund!" He lashed the guard with his riding crop.
|
||
"But, Herr Doktor," the guard protested. "I vasn't even
|
||
there!"
|
||
"Shut up!" von Liederkranz snapped. He turned to Captain
|
||
Memory. "Und now, perhaps ve vill continue vith ze questions, ja?"
|
||
He smiled sadistically. "You remember vhere ve left off? Vis ze Hot
|
||
Vhirling Corkscrew?"
|
||
A guard handed von Liederkranz the by-now-familiar diabolical-
|
||
looking device, which began to glow and whirl. Von Liederkranz
|
||
smiled evilly. He began slowly advancing toward Captain Memory with
|
||
his device.
|
||
Von Liederkranz was disturbed by the sound of a knock. He
|
||
looked around. There it was again; someone was knocking on the
|
||
stage door. Von Liederkranz was annoyed. "Answer ze door,
|
||
dummkopf!" he snapped at one of the guards. The guard opened the
|
||
door.
|
||
"Mailman!" A fellow in a post office uniform walked in the
|
||
door. "Got a special delivery letter here!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "For who?"
|
||
"Is there a `Mr. Ernest Ross' here?"
|
||
"Uh, that's me," Ernie said.
|
||
"Here you go!" The mailman handed Ernie a letter.
|
||
Everything stopped while Ernie opened the letter. Von
|
||
Liederkranz and the Nazis milled about confusedly.
|
||
Ernie was totally mystified. Who could be sending him a
|
||
letter, here? Nobody knew he was here, and even if they did, why
|
||
would they send him a letter here? Ernie tore the letter open and
|
||
read.
|
||
|
||
"Dear Mr. Ross,
|
||
We still have not received payment on your outstanding
|
||
balance of $195,412,771,213,312,032.29. This account is now two
|
||
billion years overdue. Do not force us to turn this matter over to
|
||
a collection agency. Send in your payment immediately, before we
|
||
are required to take further action.
|
||
|
||
Sincerely,
|
||
|
||
First National Bank of the West
|
||
|
||
P.S. If you have already sent in your payment, please disregard
|
||
this notice."
|
||
Ernie looked up. Von Liederkranz was watching him very
|
||
carefully. Ernie had an idea. "Oops, looks like I gotta go pay a
|
||
bill! See ya!" Ernie started towards the door.
|
||
"Not so fast!" Von Liederkranz blocked Ernie's path. "Give me
|
||
dot letter!" He snatched it out of Ernie's hand.
|
||
Der Sturmbannfuhrer was very upset. How dare they interrupt
|
||
his game show to deliver a letter! And just exactly who was this
|
||
message from, anyway? And what did it really mean?
|
||
Von Liederkranz examined the letter carefully. "Zo," he said
|
||
thoughtfully. "You owe ze bank one hundred and ninety-five
|
||
quadrillion dollars. Just as we thought!" Of course, it wasn't
|
||
really what he thought at all.
|
||
The Nazi's eyes narrowed. "Zis one hundred and ninety-five
|
||
quadrillion dollars, it is a great deal of money, ja?"
|
||
"Ja. I mean, yes," agreed Ernie.
|
||
"It is more, even, than I make in a veek!" Von Liederkranz
|
||
eyed Ernie suspiciously. "Zo, how is it dot you come to owe zo much
|
||
money?"
|
||
"Well, you see, there was this problem with cigar butts two
|
||
billion years ago," Ernie explained nervously. He didn't like the
|
||
Nazi's tone of voice, and he particularly didn't like the Hot
|
||
Whirling Corkscrew. "And then, we were at the bank, and I had to go
|
||
and open my big mouth, and so then..."
|
||
"SCHWEINHUND!" Von Liederkranz whipped Ernie with the letter.
|
||
"Do you take me for a fool!? No-one could possibly owe zis much
|
||
money! Obviously, zis is some sort of secret code. Now, who vould
|
||
be sending you secret coded messages HERE, on mein own game show!?"
|
||
Ernie looked pleadingly at Captain Memory; the Captain just
|
||
shrugged.
|
||
Von Liederkranz continued reflectively. "Und how could zey
|
||
know vhere to find you vis zis message, unless..." He whirled to
|
||
face his guards. "One of YOU is a traitor!!"
|
||
"Nein! Nein!" The guards blanched and backed away. Von
|
||
Liederkranz looked at the audience. "Or perhaps, one of YOU!"
|
||
"NEIN! NEIN!" the audience cried out in unison, fidgeting
|
||
uncomfortably in their seats.
|
||
Von Liederkranz advanced on the audience, the Hot Whirling
|
||
Corkscrew spinning and glowing in his hand. "Zo, you vill not
|
||
confess, eh!?" he shrieked at the audience. "Perhaps a taste of the
|
||
Corkscrew vill loosen your tongues!"
|
||
Ernie felt a tap on his shoulder. Captain Memory beckoned
|
||
towards the back of the stage. All eyes were riveted on von
|
||
Liederkranz, and on the hissing, spinning torture device in his
|
||
hand. No-one was paying any attention to the foursome. They tiptoed
|
||
into the wings and back behind the stage. As they left, they began
|
||
to hear screams coming from somewhere in the audience.
|
||
They hurried along the corridor leading to the dressing rooms
|
||
backstage. Unfortunately, there seemed to be no exits anywhere in
|
||
that part of the building. The only exits were through the main
|
||
floor, which would have required them to go back out onto the
|
||
stage. This did not seem like a very good idea. An empty dressing
|
||
room beckoned ahead of them. They hurried into it and locked the
|
||
door behind them. The screams were still audible inside the room.
|
||
"Hey, guys," the Fly wanted to know. "Like, what are we gonna
|
||
do now?"
|
||
Ernie sneezed. "I wish they wouldn't keep the air conditioning
|
||
turned up so high," he complained, shivering.
|
||
"Well, if you're going to go around wearing nothing but that
|
||
ridiculous fur loincloth, you have to expect to get a chill,"
|
||
commented Sterno unsympathetically. " We'd all feel a lot better if
|
||
you'd cover up some of that pallid skin of yours."
|
||
"Hey, that's an idea!" the Fly chimed in. "This is a dressing
|
||
room! Maybe there's some clothes here you can wear!"
|
||
That seemed like a good idea to Ernie. He'd been uncomfortably
|
||
cold ever since he'd put that silly loincloth on. He began looking
|
||
through the closet, but found only filmy negligees and harem-girl
|
||
outfits.
|
||
"Hey, there's a whole wardrobe room next door," the Fly
|
||
pointed to an adjoining room. "Take a look in there!" Ernie
|
||
disappeared into the next room.
|
||
Sterno was searching the room carefully. "What'cha looking
|
||
for, secret passages?" the Fly asked eagerly.
|
||
"Actually, I was rather hoping someone might have left a spot
|
||
of brandy about," he answered. "Aha!" He pulled out a bottle. A
|
||
look of disappointment appeared on his face. "MD 20/20?" he asked.
|
||
"What in the world could that be?"
|
||
"Oh, wow," commented the Fly. "Mad Dog!"
|
||
"I beg your pardon!" snapped Sterno huffily.
|
||
"Hey, no offense!" said the Fly quickly. "That's just what
|
||
it's called, you know?"
|
||
"Hmmph!" Sterno opened the bottle and sniffed the contents.
|
||
"Dreadful!" he proclaimed, and dropped the bottle in the trash.
|
||
Ernie reappeared from the wardrobe room. He was now clad in a
|
||
Spanish toreador outfit, consisting of a scintillating gold suit,
|
||
covered with sequins, with knee breeches and white stockings, a
|
||
white shirt and tie, and an odd-shaped little black hat.
|
||
He noticed everyone looking at him oddly. "Hey, it was the
|
||
only thing I could find, you know? Ernie said defensively. "At
|
||
least it's warm!"
|
||
Sterno sniffed. "I must say, you have the most AWFUL taste in
|
||
clothes! But, at least it's better than looking at that sickening
|
||
body of yours!"
|
||
Ernie was offended. "What's wrong with my body?"
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward silently.
|
||
Only the Fly seemed to approve of Ernie's new outfit. "Hey,
|
||
guy," he said enthusiastically. "I like the suit! It's the new `in'
|
||
thing, right?"
|
||
Sterno regarded Ernie critically. "Why are you still carrying
|
||
that ridiculous plastic broadsword?"
|
||
Ernie shifted uncomfortably. "Hey, I told you, it's a forty
|
||
buck deposit!"
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "Hopeless!"
|
||
Ernie sat down in a comfortable-looking chair. He thought he
|
||
had better take advantage of every opportunity to rest; he had no
|
||
way of knowing how long all of this craziness was going to
|
||
continue.
|
||
"So, like, what's with that Lucy chick?" the Fly asked Captain
|
||
Memory. "I mean, like, what's her problem?"
|
||
"Oh, she's an alien," explained the Captain.
|
||
"A what?"
|
||
"You know," the Captain went on. "Come from outer space,
|
||
invade the Earth, steal your brain, that kinda stuff." The Captain
|
||
made himself comfortable on a small sofa, and began leafing through
|
||
his copy of the TV Guide.
|
||
"Aliens?" Ernie asked confusedly. "Are they really aliens?"
|
||
"There as real as anything in Cyberspace, I suppose," the
|
||
Captain commented.
|
||
"But what are they DOING here?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"They're part of a game called `MENACE FROM PLANET ZERO'. It's
|
||
quite popular," the Captain explained. "I figured we'd run across
|
||
it sooner or later. With all the systems Waldo's been taking over,
|
||
the odds are that it'd be in at least one of them."
|
||
The Fly seemed a bit skeptical. "Well, gee, that chick sure
|
||
didn't look like an alien!"
|
||
The Captain was impatient. "She's in disguise, of course! You
|
||
wouldn't want to see what she really looks like!" He shuddered.
|
||
"Anyway," he continued. "That whole bunch are aliens in disguise.
|
||
They've been watching our 1950's TV shows, and they think those TV
|
||
characters are normal Earth people. They think if they disguise
|
||
themselves as 1950's TV characters, you Earth people will never
|
||
know the difference."
|
||
"They don't seem to be very smart," Ernie commented.
|
||
"Well, you know," said the Captain thoughtfully. "Intelligence
|
||
is not the only way to approach reality. There are other ways of
|
||
thinking. It's possible to approach problem-solving from an
|
||
entirely different perspective. There are civilizations in which
|
||
thinking is done in an entirely different way, where `intelligence'
|
||
is replaced by a whole different way of looking at the universe!"
|
||
Ernie had never heard Captain Memory get so philosophical
|
||
before. "So, do these aliens have a completely different way of
|
||
thinking?" he asked wonderingly.
|
||
"No," said the Captain reflectively. "They're just stupid."
|
||
He returned to his TV Guide.
|
||
"I mighta known," said the Fly reflectively. "After all, she's
|
||
hanging out with that Ricky guy! Man, he's something else! Anybody
|
||
who'd wear a shirt like that..." He trailed off, looking sideways
|
||
at Ernie.
|
||
A number of magazines were scattered about an end table next
|
||
to Ernie's chair. A headline in one of the caught Ernie's eye:
|
||
"FANTASTIC ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND REVEALED!" Ernie picked it up and
|
||
began to read:
|
||
"On October 16, 1978, an Arab shepherd following a stray
|
||
animal into a cave near the Sea of Galilee made an incredible find
|
||
- a find unparalleled in modern history. A find so monumental, so
|
||
earth-shattering, so threatening to world governments and religious
|
||
institutions that its very existence has been suppressed. Only now,
|
||
by means of smuggled documents obtained at great personal risk to
|
||
all involved, can this fabulous story come to light - the story of
|
||
the Dead Sea Phonograph Records!"
|
||
Ernie was intrigued. He read on:
|
||
"Our story must really begin in Ancient Egypt - deep in the
|
||
mysteries of the Middle Kingdom; an age which produced some of the
|
||
greatest wonders the world has even seen. Some of these, like the
|
||
Pyramids, have been known to the world for millennia. Yet it stands
|
||
to reason that any people capable of producing wonders like these,
|
||
wonders which the modern world has yet to equal, must also have
|
||
been capable of producing many other amazing things on a smaller
|
||
scale. Yet, all of these have been lost in the sands of time - or
|
||
have they?
|
||
Let us consider for a moment the phonograph - a relatively
|
||
simple device invented in the last century by Thomas Edison. In its
|
||
basic form it consists of a disc, or even a cylinder, driven by a
|
||
crank, that comes in contact with a needle attached to a cone. One
|
||
can then either play or record simply by turning the crank and
|
||
either speaking into the cone, or listening. That's all there is to
|
||
it. A simple device like this can be made with almost anyone with
|
||
basic tools. It could have been made thousands of years ago - it
|
||
could even have been made by the ancient Egyptians! Certainly, any
|
||
civilization capable of producing incredible engineering feats like
|
||
the Pyramids would be capable of constructing a simple mechanical
|
||
device like this!
|
||
Now there is evidence that they did! In the tomb of the
|
||
Pharaoh Pepto II at Bismol, hieroglyphics have been found which
|
||
bear an uncanny resemblance to Edison's early phonographs. Along
|
||
with these were others which were translated to read "...and the
|
||
voice of the Pharaoh shall speak on after he is gone
|
||
and...(fragment missing)...that we, who are as dogs to the mighty
|
||
Pharaoh, shall listen to Our Master's Voice!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the accompanying illustration. It was a
|
||
picture from an Egyptian tomb, showing a dog listening to some kind
|
||
of a device with a cone coming out of it. It reminded Ernie of
|
||
something. Didn't it look a lot like...the RCA Victor logo? Then
|
||
again, maybe not. He continued reading.
|
||
"But this is only the beginning! It would be monumental enough
|
||
if records of the voices of the Pharaohs had been found, but what
|
||
has actually been discovered is so spectacular as to make the
|
||
Pharaohs seem trivial by comparison. It was, of course, phonograph
|
||
records that the Arab shepherd found. They were in the form of
|
||
discs made of fine clay, a material much more durable than the
|
||
perishable vinyl that our present-day phonograph records are made
|
||
of, and were packed in the crumbling remains of an Egyptian-style
|
||
case. When played at approximately 78 rpm, they produced voices,
|
||
much like our own early phonograph records.
|
||
But - stop and consider. These records were found deep in
|
||
Israel, near the Sea of Galilee - in other words, nowhere near the
|
||
Egypt of the Pharaohs. There is no evidence that the phonograph was
|
||
ever used in ancient Israel; what's more, they were in an Egyptian-
|
||
style case, and bore Egyptian markings. How could they have come to
|
||
a cave near the Sea of Galilee?
|
||
There is only one way: They must have been brought there, from
|
||
Egypt - by the fleeing Israelites! Hieroglyphics prove that the
|
||
phonograph was in existence at this time; what would have been more
|
||
reasonable than for the fleeing Israelites, taking with them the
|
||
treasures of Egypt, to take with them this great treasure?
|
||
But what would they have used it for? What else but for the
|
||
same use as the Pharaohs, to record and preserve the voice of their
|
||
leader, so that his will can be known forever - the voice of Moses!
|
||
Yet, if this device, the phonograph, was in the hands of
|
||
Moses, wouldn't he have used it to record the things he considered
|
||
of greatest importance? In that case, wouldn't he have taken it to
|
||
Mount Sinai? Wouldn't he have used it to record - the voice of God
|
||
Himself?
|
||
Now you can see why this find has been suppressed - why no
|
||
government, no religious institution on Earth can afford to let
|
||
these records be heard. They contain at the very least the voice of
|
||
Moses, and possibly even the very voice of God. There may be things
|
||
on these records which could change the life of every man, woman,
|
||
and child on Earth - now, today, in the 20th century.
|
||
But will these records ever be heard? Or will they be hidden
|
||
away in a secret vault, kept from a world that needs them so
|
||
desperately?
|
||
They must be heard! The people have a right to this knowledge,
|
||
knowledge which affects each and every one of them in every facet
|
||
of their daily lives. Right now there is no way of knowing where
|
||
they are being held, or by whom, or for what purpose. But a find
|
||
like this CANNOT be suppressed. It is to earth-shaking, too
|
||
monumental. Word WILL leak out, people WILL be told! Already this
|
||
has begun to happen - secret documents have been smuggled out;
|
||
incontrovertible evidence has been uncovered. It is beginning - now
|
||
it is only a mater of time before the world learns the awesome
|
||
truth about the Dead Sea Phonograph Records!"
|
||
|
||
|
||
Ernie put the magazine down. Wow, he thought. This is really
|
||
heavy. Is this for real, or is this just more crazy nonsense? Did
|
||
this really happen, or is this just more garbage caused by sticking
|
||
together too many computer programs that don't belong together? How
|
||
can we tell the difference?
|
||
Ernie thought about the problem. This is an important
|
||
question, he decided. We may have stumbled onto something really
|
||
meaningful. Somebody ought to look into this. Somebody ought to
|
||
find out whether this is for real or not, because if it is real it
|
||
might be...really important! Ernie stopped. He hadn't the vaguest
|
||
idea how somebody would go about looking into a question like this.
|
||
Ernie looked at Captain Memory. "Here, look at this article."
|
||
He handed the magazine to the Captain.
|
||
The Captain peered at the article. "The Dead Sea Phonograph
|
||
Records? Get real!" Captain Memory tossed the magazine over his
|
||
shoulder.
|
||
"No, really!" Ernie protested. "This is important stuff! I
|
||
really think you should consider it! What if this really happened?
|
||
What if this is, like a secret CIA computer file or something? I
|
||
mean, stuff like that could be here, right? It's possible, isn't
|
||
it?"
|
||
"Aything's possible," the Captain admitted. "But how likely is
|
||
it?"
|
||
Ernie heard snickering coming from behind him. He turned.
|
||
Sterno had picked up the magazine, and was leafing through it.
|
||
"You actually READ this stuff?" laughed Sterno. "Here's a good
|
||
article: `Princess Diana says, I'm Carrying Elvis's Baby'. Or, how
|
||
about `I Was Raped by Killer Lesbians from Outer Space'".
|
||
Ernie frowned. Something about that last headline sounded a
|
||
little familiar.
|
||
Sterno continued. "Here another one: `Earth invaded by Aliens
|
||
Disguised as 1950's TV Characters'."
|
||
"Hey, lemme see that!" Ernie reached for the magazine,
|
||
convinced that they were onto something.
|
||
"What trash!" Sterno dropped the magazine in the wastebasket.
|
||
"Hey!" Ernie fished through the wastebasket, trying to
|
||
retrieve the magazine. "Oh no, it's all covered with sticky wine!
|
||
The pages are all stuck together!"
|
||
"Wow, man," said the Fly wonderingly. "That's really heavy
|
||
stuff. Imagine that: Princess Diana pregnant with Elvis's baby. I
|
||
never knew that!"
|
||
Ernie was trying to separate the pages of the magazine, but
|
||
the Mad Dog wine had dissolved most of the ink, and he was only
|
||
succeeding in making a big mess.
|
||
"Did you really think you were going to find the secrets of
|
||
the universe in that magazine?" asked Sterno sarcastically.
|
||
"I don't think you're going to get anywhere with that stuff,"
|
||
added Captain Memory. "I think you're barking up the wrong tree!"
|
||
"I suppose you think that's funny!" Sterno snarled.
|
||
He regarded Ernie for a moment. "You know, that little hat looks
|
||
really ridiculous!"
|
||
"Yeah, guy," the Fly chimed in. "How come you're wearing that
|
||
Mickey Mouse hat?"
|
||
"It's not a Mickey Mouse hat, alright?" said Ernie,
|
||
frustrated. "It's part of the outfit. You're supposed to wear this
|
||
kind of a little hat. I dunno why, you're just supposed to!" Ernie
|
||
sulked. "Leave me alone!"
|
||
Sterno chuckled. "The only good thing about having him along,"
|
||
he said, gesturing at Ernie. "Is that he can always cheer me up. If
|
||
I didn't have him to laugh at, I don't know WHAT I'd do!" Ernie
|
||
glowered.
|
||
The Fly was sitting at a dressing table, regarding himself in
|
||
the mirror. He kept examining various bottle of cosmetics, holding
|
||
each in turn up to his face, but he couldn't find any that matched
|
||
his shell tone.
|
||
"My, what big eyes you have!" quipped Sterno. "How about some
|
||
eyeliner? Or maybe some mascara for your antenna?"
|
||
"Aw, c'mon guys," the Fly complained. "Gimme a break, huh? I
|
||
was just looking for a little, like, bronzer, y'know? Y'think
|
||
bronzer would look good on me?" His antennae waved hopefully.
|
||
Ernie was feeling irritable. He was tired of everyone picking
|
||
on him all the time. "Why do you keep reading that TV Guide?" he
|
||
snapped at Captain Memory.
|
||
"So I can see what's on," answered the Captain reasonably.
|
||
"How can you possibly tell what's on, when you don't even know
|
||
where we are? You're never gonna have the right listings for here,
|
||
wherever THIS is!"
|
||
"Sure I do," disagreed the Captain. "I've got the listings for
|
||
everywhere."
|
||
"How could you have that?" Ernie was skeptical.
|
||
"This is the Inter-Continuum Edition, with Multi-Galactic Sub-
|
||
Listings, for the week of May 3-Infinity," explained the Captain.
|
||
"It's got the listings for all of Time and Space."
|
||
"Lemme see that!" Ernie snatched it rudely out of Captain
|
||
Memory's hand. "Why, the pages are all blank!"
|
||
"Are you a subscriber?" the Captain wanted to know, gently
|
||
taking the book back out of Ernie's hands.
|
||
"Well, no," Ernie admitted.
|
||
"Well, that's why you can't see it!"
|
||
Ernie sighed. He guessed that made as much sense as anything
|
||
else.
|
||
CM examined the listings carefully. "Wanna watch an old movie?
|
||
Here's a classic: `Mr. Blandings Builds his Dream Horse'."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "You mean `House'."
|
||
Captain Memory was puzzled. "Mr. House Builds his Dream
|
||
Horse'?"
|
||
Ernie shook his head. "No, no. It's supposed to be `Mr.
|
||
Blandings Builds his Dream House'."
|
||
Captain Memory peered at the TV Guide. "It quite clearly says
|
||
here `Horse'."
|
||
"That's ridiculous!" Ernie insisted. "You can't build a
|
||
horse!"
|
||
"That's right!" the Fly chimed in. "At least, not without a
|
||
permit!"
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie was taken aback.
|
||
"And an inspection!" the Fly went on. "I mean, you wouldn't
|
||
want to ride a horse that was built without a permit, and wasn't
|
||
inspected! It wouldn't be safe!"
|
||
"Uh..." Something about this didn't sound right to Ernie.
|
||
The Fly continued with enthusiasm. "I mean, like what if you
|
||
took this horse out on the freeway, you know, and you're cruisin'
|
||
along, doin' maybe 60, and all of a sudden - boom! A leg falls off!
|
||
Then what? Somebody could get hurt!"
|
||
Ernie didn't know how to argue with this. "Uh, I suppose
|
||
you're right." He fell silent.
|
||
Captain Memory broke the silence. "Hey, here's a good show!
|
||
8:30 - `Follow the Yellow Brick Road'. The Fab Four stop for a
|
||
drink at The Deer Bar, and meet aliens disguised as 1950's TV
|
||
characters.' Starring Lucille Ball, Adam West, and Rin-Tin-Tin. How
|
||
about that?"
|
||
"Sounds okay to me," said the Fly agreeably.
|
||
Ernie looked around the room. "There's no TV!" he said
|
||
triumphantly.
|
||
"Oh, there's always a TV!" the Captain assured him.
|
||
"Okay, where?" Ernie demanded.
|
||
"Hmm." Captain Memory looked around. He got up, walked over to
|
||
the dressing table, and peered into the mirror. "Let's try this:
|
||
`Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
|
||
Ain't there no TV at all?'"
|
||
The surface of the mirror dissolved, and an image of The Deer
|
||
Bar appeared in its place. Four characters were seated at the bar,
|
||
drinking beer.
|
||
"So, what are we gonna do now, guys?" asked the Fly, sipping
|
||
a beer through his long, flexible snout.
|
||
Ernie started, and looked about confusedly. They were suddenly
|
||
all back at The Deer Bar. His stomach flipped over again.
|
||
"What...uh..how did we get back here?"
|
||
"Same way we got out," said Captain Memory, gesturing towards
|
||
the TV set. He looked momentarily confused. "Either that, or maybe
|
||
we never really left at all. I forget which. Oh well, it doesn't
|
||
really matter."
|
||
Ernie looked up at the television above the bar, which now was
|
||
turned on. A sadistic Nazi talk show host was using a diabolical-
|
||
looking device to torture members of the audience. "Uh, do you mind
|
||
if I turn that off?" asked Ernie.
|
||
"If you like," answered the Captain indifferently.
|
||
Ernie switched off the set, and breathed a sigh of relief. Now
|
||
they were safe. He frowned. Well, maybe they weren't safe, but they
|
||
were safER. He thought about it a moment. Well, maybe they weren't
|
||
really any safer, but turning the TV off made him feel better just
|
||
the same. That satisfied him, so he returned to his seat.
|
||
The Fly looked around. "Like, we're the only ones here!"
|
||
"Uh huh," Ernie agreed.
|
||
"So, what happened to, like, Ricky and Lucy?"
|
||
As if in answer, the door to the bar flew open, and in
|
||
staggered Ricky, his ruffled Cuban shirt in rags, his maracas
|
||
broken. Close behind him was Lucy, her hair disarrayed, her party
|
||
dress torn and smeared with dirt.
|
||
"You feelthy peeg!" shrieked Ricky, enraged. "You send us
|
||
behind door numero four! I keel you!"
|
||
"What did he say?" the Fly asked confusedly. "I can't
|
||
understand his accent at all!"
|
||
"I think he said he was going to `keel' us," Sterno
|
||
volunteered.
|
||
"What's that?" the Fly wanted to know. "Something to do with
|
||
boats?"
|
||
Ricky advanced on the foursome, holding his shattered maracas
|
||
menacingly. Ernie noticed that they seemed to have acquired very
|
||
sharp edges. "I keel you, I cut your brain out!" he threatened
|
||
Ernie.
|
||
"Hey, he's starting up with that `brain' stuff again," Ernie
|
||
said to Captain Memory. "What do we do?"
|
||
"Have a beer," said Captain Memory, sipping his Deer Beer.
|
||
"That's easy for you to say! It's not your brain he's after!"
|
||
Ernie looked at Ricky apprehensively.
|
||
"Why don't you just let him have your brain?" snickered
|
||
Sterno. "You'll never miss it!"
|
||
Ricky slowly staggered forward. Ernie noticed that Ricky was
|
||
getting much more, sort of, reptilian-looking. He seemed to have
|
||
acquired long, sharp teeth, and a forked tongue, which flitted in
|
||
and out of his mouth in a snake-like manner.
|
||
"Hey uh, shouldn't we, uh, DO something?" Ernie urged Captain
|
||
Memory.
|
||
The Captain looked annoyed. "Oh, all right!" He cleared his
|
||
throat. "And now," he announced pompously. "A word from our
|
||
sponsor!"
|
||
Ricky froze. "Oh, ees a commercial," he said to Lucy. "We got
|
||
to wait!"
|
||
"Well, I guess we'd better get going, fellas," Captain Memory
|
||
said to the other three. "We've only got sixty seconds." He gulped
|
||
down the rest of his beer. "I hate to drink beer in a hurry. It
|
||
upsets my stomach." He burped. He brushed past Ricky and Lucy, who
|
||
were frozen into a state of immobility, and led the group out the
|
||
door.
|
||
Once outside, Captain Memory checked his bare wrist. "Hmm,
|
||
ten more seconds. I know, let's try this!" The Captain led the
|
||
group around the side of the building, where they could not be seen
|
||
from the main door.
|
||
Fifteen seconds later, Ricky and Lucy burst out of the bar
|
||
door. "Where dey go?!" Ricky screamed. "Dey not suppose' to move
|
||
during de commercial! Dey got to wait for de show to start again!"
|
||
Ricky and Lucy looked quickly around, and then charged off down the
|
||
road in the direction of the bank.
|
||
The Fly peeked around the corner. "Looks like they're gone."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Are these aliens really that stupid?" he asked
|
||
the Captain.
|
||
"I'm afraid so," Captain Memory replied.
|
||
Ernie frowned. Something about this didn't seem to make sense.
|
||
"If they're so stupid, how come they've got interstellar travel,
|
||
and blasters, and stuff like that?" he asked pointedly.
|
||
"Well, you know, aliens have brother-in-laws, too," Captain
|
||
Memory explained.
|
||
"Brothers-in-law," Sterno corrected.
|
||
"Uh, right," the Captain went on. "Uh, relatives. They have
|
||
relatives too. Everybody has relatives."
|
||
"So?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Well, what do you do if your brother-
|
||
in-law needs a job, but he's not too, um, bright? I mean, you can't
|
||
leave him to starve, right? After all, he's married to your sister.
|
||
Okay, so maybe your sister doesn't have real good taste in men,
|
||
she's still your sister, right? And what about your nephews..."
|
||
"Get to the point!" Sterno demanded impatiently.
|
||
"Okay, okay," Captain Memory went on. "Anyway, you've got to
|
||
get him a job, but you don't want to get him anything too, like,
|
||
visible, because you know he's going to screw it up, and you'll get
|
||
blamed. So you get him a job that pays good, but is, um, out of the
|
||
way. Like, for instance, `interstellar scout.' Sure, he'll screw it
|
||
up, but he's millions of light years away, who's gonna know?"
|
||
Ernie looked crestfallen. "I always thought they'd send, you
|
||
know, their `Top Guns', their `best and brightest' to attack us.
|
||
You're mean they send their screw-ups to invade our planet?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Well, you know, it's a bureaucracy.
|
||
This is the real universe. Life's like that." Ernie sighed.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his bare wrist. "Anyway, I think it's
|
||
time to get going." He headed off purposefully down the yellow
|
||
brick road, going in the opposite direction from that in which
|
||
Ricky and Lucy had gone. The group trailed along behind him.
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 5
|
||
|
||
|
||
Ernie caught up to Captain Memory as the foursome headed down
|
||
the yellow brick road. "So, where are we anyway?" he wanted to
|
||
know.
|
||
The Captain looked around. "Could be Kansas, I suppose," he
|
||
said thoughtfully.
|
||
"You don't KNOW?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "You can't expect me to keep track of
|
||
all these PLACES," he said annoyedly. "Do you know how many PLACES
|
||
there are in Cyberspace? There's...there's..." He hesitated
|
||
confusedly. "Well, I don't know exactly how many, but there's a
|
||
whole lot of them! And they keep changing all the time, too! I
|
||
mean, you can go someplace you know real well, you come back in a
|
||
few nanoseconds, and it's all different! It was bad enough before
|
||
Waldo Stadium starting networking all these systems that were never
|
||
meant to be networked. Now it's impossible! So don't expect ME to
|
||
keep track of it! It isn't MY fault!" He calmed down. "Anyway," he
|
||
said, more composedly. "I guess it could be Nebraska."
|
||
Ernie peered into the distance. "What's all that smoke?" He
|
||
pointed to a large cloud on the horizon.
|
||
The Fly looked searchingly into the distance. With his huge,
|
||
multi-faceted insect eyes, he could see more clearly than any
|
||
human. "That's not smoke, that's dust," he explained. "There's a
|
||
whole lot of trucks and cars and stuff heading this way. There's
|
||
enough to be an army of 'em." He peered into the distance. "In
|
||
fact, it IS an army! They got tanks, and guns, and everything!"
|
||
Ernie felt uneasy. "So, whose army it is?"
|
||
They Fly squinted. "I can't tell; too much dust."
|
||
"Maybe we should just get out of the way and let them go by,"
|
||
Sterno suggested.
|
||
This seemed like an excellent idea to Ernie. They stepped off
|
||
the road, climbed over a picturesque split-rail fence, and made
|
||
their way into a cornfield, where they hid themselves among the
|
||
tall plants. Ernie noticed a scarecrow out in the middle of the
|
||
field. He thought about it for a moment, but then he decided to
|
||
just leave it alone.
|
||
In a few minutes the first vehicles of the military column
|
||
began to pass them. Ernie noticed that they were armored personnel
|
||
carriers, painted tan and grey. On the side of each was the
|
||
insignia of a palm tree with a swastika at the base. Ernie
|
||
recognized it from watching war movies on the late show. "It's the
|
||
Afrika Korps!" he whispered to Captain Memory. "What would they be
|
||
doing in Kansas, or maybe Nebraska?"
|
||
"Aha," said Captain Memory quietly. "So that's it - Rommel
|
||
must be advancing on Omaha! Therefore, it will be up to Prince
|
||
Eugene to stop the Turkish hordes at the gates of Vienna. In that
|
||
case, Colonel Jackson must be heading down the mighty Mississippi
|
||
at this very moment, taking a little bacon and a little beans, to
|
||
fight the bloody British at the town of New Orleans! That means,"
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his wrist. "It must be 1814!"
|
||
"Oh." Ernie no longer expected Captain Memory's explanations
|
||
to shed much light on things, although, thinking about it,
|
||
something about the last part of Captain Memory's explanation did
|
||
sound a little familiar. But then, on the other hand, everything
|
||
sounded a little familiar, but none of it actually made any sense.
|
||
Ernie decided to try again, even though he didn't have much
|
||
hope of success. "So what's going on, anyway? Isn't this supposed
|
||
to be, like, the Wizard of Oz or something? I don't remember any
|
||
Nazi armies in the Wizard of Oz!"
|
||
"The Wizard of Oz?" the Captain asked wonderingly. "Whatever
|
||
gave you that idea?"
|
||
"Well, gee.." Ernie had thought it was obvious. "There's this
|
||
yellow brick road, and the bank manager was kind of a witch, and
|
||
she had ruby slippers and..." He trailed off.
|
||
"So what?" the Captain demanded.
|
||
"Well...If this isn't the Wizard of Oz, where did all that
|
||
stuff come from?"
|
||
The Captain was annoyed. "Sure, some of this is from THE
|
||
WIZARD OF OZ. But some of it isn't. Some of it's from other games,
|
||
or computer models, or databases, or whatever happened to be in the
|
||
systems that Waldo's been taking over. And there's no way to tell
|
||
what'll pop out where, or when. Even Waldo can't keep track of it.
|
||
It's taking all his computing power just to keep the system halfway
|
||
organized, so it doesn't crash. You know how hard it is to keep a
|
||
FATAL ERROR from creeping into this stuff? It's only because he's
|
||
got a multiple-redundant neural-net system that he can keep this
|
||
stuff running at all!"
|
||
Ernie moaned. He didn't like the sound of that FATAL ERROR
|
||
business.
|
||
"One thing bothers me, though," the Captain continued,
|
||
watching the military vehicles go by. "These Nazis. They're showing
|
||
up way too often. They may be somehow picking up our trail."
|
||
"You mean Waldo Stadium knows where we are?" Ernie cried
|
||
anxiously. "He's zeroing in on us?"
|
||
"Could be," said the Captain thoughtfully. "It doesn't seem
|
||
like they know exactly where we are, but it does seem like they
|
||
know we're around here somewhere. I wonder how they know that?"
|
||
Ernie sighed again. He would have to remember not to ask for
|
||
explanations anymore. They just made things worse.
|
||
After a few minutes, the last of the military vehicles passed,
|
||
taking with it the last of the huge cloud of dust. Ernie coughed.
|
||
He and the others were all covered with a thick layer of dirt. He
|
||
looked at himself. All the sparkle was gone from his toreador suit.
|
||
Sterno shook himself vigorously, sending dust flying in all
|
||
directions. "Hey, watch it!" the Fly complained. "That stuff gets
|
||
in my eyes, you know?"
|
||
Ernie looked at Captain Memory. "How come you're not covered
|
||
with dirt?" he demanded.
|
||
"Oh, it's the suit," Captain Memory explained, fingering his
|
||
comic-book-character outfit. "It's got that dirt-repelling stuff;
|
||
you know, the kind you put in the dryer?"
|
||
Ernie examined his toreador outfit. On the inside he found a
|
||
small tag. Just my luck, Ernie thought. `Dry Clean Only'.
|
||
They made their way back on to the road, and continued in the
|
||
same direction they had been heading before the convoy went by. A
|
||
light breeze sprang up, and carried away the worst of the dust.
|
||
After walking for a few minutes, Ernie noticed a house in the
|
||
distance. As they approached, Ernie could see that it was an
|
||
elaborate Victorian cottage, covered with gingerbread-style
|
||
ornamentation. "Hey, let's stop in!" the Fly suggested. "Maybe we
|
||
can get a drink of water. All this dust is really buggin' me!"
|
||
"Oh, it's `bugging' you?" asked Sterno maliciously.
|
||
"Yeah!" the Fly answered ingenuously.
|
||
Sterno shrugged. There was no point in sniping at people who
|
||
were too dense to understand it.
|
||
As they neared the cottage, Ernie noticed that it was
|
||
surrounded by a white picket fence. However, a large section of the
|
||
fence had been knocked over. The lawn seemed to be all chewed up,
|
||
as though by the treads of a tank. Heading up the front walk, Ernie
|
||
noticed the door was broken off it's hinges.
|
||
As they climbed the porch, Ernie noticed that the gingerbread
|
||
on the cottage was - actual gingerbread, the edible kind. Ernie
|
||
broke off a piece and sniffed it. It seemed fresh. He took a bite.
|
||
Very tasty, he thought. He suddenly realized that he hadn't had
|
||
anything to eat for a really long time. The shutters looked
|
||
interesting - they had frosting and raisins.
|
||
"Oh wow, what happened here?" Ernie heard the Fly ask. He
|
||
looked through the door. Inside were obvious signs of a struggle.
|
||
The quaint, German-style furniture was scattered about. The walls
|
||
were pockmarked with bullet holes. On one side of the room was a
|
||
large, cast-iron stove. Next to the stove stood a large cage, with
|
||
its door open. The stove was red-hot, and a bad smell came from it.
|
||
Captain Memory considered the scene, and regarded the tank
|
||
tracks and bullet holes. "Looks like whoever was here got arrested
|
||
by the Nazis," he commented.
|
||
Ernie thought about this. Hansel and Gretel arrested by the
|
||
Nazis? But then again, `Hansel and Gretel' is a German story, isn't
|
||
it? In that case, Ernie decided, it's none of my business. I won't
|
||
worry about it. Instead, he decided to look for something else to
|
||
eat.
|
||
Ernie found an old-fashioned icebox, which seemed to be full
|
||
of pies, cakes, and other goodies. There didn't seem to be anything
|
||
by way of regular, wholesome food, though. Oh well, thought Ernie,
|
||
cutting into a Bavarian Black Forest Torte, I guess I'll just have
|
||
to rough it.
|
||
Sterno was helping himself to an eclair. "Very nice," he
|
||
commented. "Would you mind handing me a piece of that double-
|
||
chocolate rum cheesecake?"
|
||
"Hey, this is good stuff!" the Fly added, vacuuming up a dish
|
||
of frosted ginger snaps through his long snout.
|
||
Ernie stopped. "Hey, how do we know this stuff is okay? I
|
||
mean, maybe this is an alien trap, or something. Maybe this stuff
|
||
is poisoned!"
|
||
Sterno sniffed disgustedly. "We can always count on you to say
|
||
something utterly inappropriate at the table, can't we? Comments
|
||
like that can ruin everyone's appetite. The first decent thing
|
||
we've had to eat on this entire ridiculous escapade, and you have
|
||
to go and spoil it!"
|
||
Ernie was upset. "Well, okay, maybe you're right. That's not
|
||
dinner-table conversation. But still, how do we know?"
|
||
Sterno sighed. "The problem with you is that you have no sense
|
||
of smell. I, for one, would have known if there was anything wrong
|
||
with these delectable little morsels."
|
||
Ernie relaxed. "So, this place isn't an alien trap, or
|
||
anything?" he asked Captain Memory.
|
||
"Oh no, it's a trap alright," the Captain said unconcernedly,
|
||
helping himself to a dish of something with custard and cherries in
|
||
it.
|
||
"WHAT?!"
|
||
"But the food's okay," the Captain continued. "So we might as
|
||
well have some, don't you think?" He helped himself to a coconut
|
||
cream pie.
|
||
Ernie suddenly felt very anxious. "So, uh, where's the trap,
|
||
then?"
|
||
"Oh, I don't know," the Captain went on. "We'll find it,
|
||
though. We always do." He looked at Ernie's plate. "Say, are you
|
||
gonna eat that Black Forest Torte? If you don't want it, I'll take
|
||
it!"
|
||
Ernie seemed to have lost his appetite. "Uh, here. Take it."
|
||
He handed the dish to Captain Memory. Ernie's stomach was beginning
|
||
to feel queasy again. Stress, he thought. It's not good for me. I'm
|
||
gonna get an ulcer. I just know it.
|
||
Ernie noticed an open door in the back of the cottage. It
|
||
seemed to lead to a bathroom. Maybe I can get cleaned up, Ernie
|
||
thought. The dust was beginning to make him itch.
|
||
Inside the door, Ernie found a nicely-appointed modern
|
||
bathroom, complete with soap and fresh towels. I'll bet I have time
|
||
for a quick shower, he thought. He turned on the shower and let the
|
||
water run for a bit. Nice and warm, he thought. Not too hot. Seems
|
||
okay. He took off his toreador suit, shaking the dust off each
|
||
piece in turn, and got in the shower.
|
||
Ernie let the warn water run over him. Well, this is much
|
||
better, he thought, relaxing. There was a bottle of shampoo on the
|
||
tub shelf. He picked it up and examined it. "Placental Protein
|
||
Shampoo". Oh. That was the same kind of shampoo he used at home.
|
||
Maybe it would get the dust out of his hair.
|
||
"Watch ouph phrm trmp..." What? Was somebody talking to him?
|
||
Ernie couldn't hear over the sound of the shower. He stuck his head
|
||
out. "Did you say something?" he called towards the others.
|
||
"Yes," answered Captain Memory. "I said: `Watch out for the
|
||
trap!'"
|
||
"WHAT?!" Ernie leaped out of the shower. He was about to run
|
||
into the next room, when suddenly it occurred to him that he was
|
||
stark naked and dripping wet. He decided to take a moment to grab
|
||
a towel and wrap it around himself; he wasn't prepared to face the
|
||
ridicule he would have gotten otherwise. "What trap!? Where's the
|
||
trap?!"
|
||
"You're holding it," Captain Memory gestured at Ernie.
|
||
"The TOWEL?!" Ernie almost flung it away, but decided against
|
||
it.
|
||
"No, your other hand!" Ernie looked at his left hand. He was
|
||
still unconsciously clutching the bottle of shampoo. "This? This
|
||
bottle of shampoo?" Ernie examined it. "What is it, a bomb or
|
||
something?"
|
||
"No, it's a bottle of shampoo," Captain Memory agreed.
|
||
"So what's the big deal?" Ernie felt a little foolish getting
|
||
all upset over a bottle of shampoo.
|
||
"What kind of shampoo is it?" Captain Memory prompted.
|
||
"Placental Protein Shampoo? What's wrong with that?"
|
||
"Do you know what a placenta is?"
|
||
"Yeah. It's the thing that feeds an embryo in the womb." Ernie
|
||
had gotten an `A' in biology, and was proud of it.
|
||
"Ever wonder what proteins from embryos are doing in your
|
||
shampoo?"
|
||
"Uh, now that you mention it, that does seem a little
|
||
strange," Ernie admitted.
|
||
"Ever wonder `proteins from embryos of WHAT'?" the Captain
|
||
prodded. "Or, `what KIND of proteins'?"
|
||
"I don't like the sound of this," Ernie said quietly.
|
||
Captain Memory went on. "DNA is a protein, you know."
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "You mean, DNA, like in genetic
|
||
material, like `basic building blocks of life', the stuff that
|
||
determines what every kind of life form is going to be?"
|
||
"That's right," the Captain agreed. "Now, what do you suppose
|
||
would happen to you if you rubbed alien DNA from unborn space
|
||
creatures onto your scalp, where it could seep right down into your
|
||
brain?"
|
||
Ernie looked at the bottle of shampoo uneasily. "You mean, it
|
||
could, like, take over your brain?"
|
||
"Could be," Captain Memory agreed. "However, it doesn't work
|
||
all at once. It has to seep in little by little. The more you wash
|
||
your hair, the worse it gets."
|
||
Ernie was suddenly glad he didn't wash his hair too often. He
|
||
thought for a moment. "So, people who wash their hair a lot would
|
||
get it the worst, right?"
|
||
"You got it," Captain Memory assented cheerfully.
|
||
Ernie considered the problem. "So, who washes their hair the
|
||
most?"
|
||
"Pretty girls!" the Fly chimed in. "They wash their hair every
|
||
day, sometimes more than once. I know, 'cause every time I ask one
|
||
out one, she says `I can't go today, I gotta wash my hair'!"
|
||
"That's true," Ernie admitted. He thought a moment.
|
||
"Wait a minute! We have this stuff at home. In fact, my girlfriend
|
||
uses it!"
|
||
The Captain considered this. "Noticed any changes in her
|
||
recently?"
|
||
"Well, she has been kind of...cold," Ernie conceded. "And, now
|
||
that you mention it, I have noticed her skin getting kind of scaly,
|
||
but I thought it was just the heartbreak of psoriasis. I tried to
|
||
say something about it, but she hissed at me!"
|
||
"Mmm hmm," Captain Memory agreed.
|
||
"Y'know, I noticed that a lot too," the Fly added. "I'm real
|
||
observant, and I noticed that an awful lot of pretty girls nowadays
|
||
have forked tongues!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. He had noticed something odd about his
|
||
girlfriend's tongue, but he hadn't wanted to mention it. He didn't
|
||
want to get hissed at again.
|
||
"They also have real sharp teeth," the Fly continued. "And
|
||
slit pupils in their eyes. I don't think that's normal, do you?"
|
||
All of this was making Ernie very unhappy. "You mean, aliens
|
||
are trying to take over the Earth?" he asked.
|
||
"I wouldn't doubt it," Captain Memory answered cheerfully.
|
||
"Well, what are we going to do about it?!" cried Ernie.
|
||
"Oh, you don't need to worry about it," said the Captain
|
||
reassuringly.
|
||
"Why not?" asked Ernie suspiciously.
|
||
"It's just a game anyway, right?" The Captain gave Ernie a
|
||
cheery smile, and helped himself to a piece of lemon meringue pie.
|
||
"There is one thing you could do," Sterno added.
|
||
"What?!" asked Ernie desperately.
|
||
"You could put some clothes on," Sterno said, looking ruefully
|
||
at the peach frappe' on his plate. "The sight of all that naked
|
||
skin is rather spoiling my appetite."
|
||
"Oh, all right!" Ernie snapped, stomping off to the
|
||
bathroom.
|
||
Sterno sighed. "Some people are so sensitive!" he commented,
|
||
reaching for a large Cherries Jubilee.
|
||
Ernie was somewhat placated to find that the luster had
|
||
returned to his toreador suit. The only thing worse than having to
|
||
go around in a toreador outfit was having to go around in a DIRTY
|
||
toreador outfit. He returned to the main room.
|
||
The Fly was eating what seemed to be large cookies of some
|
||
kind. "Hey, these are good gingerbread men!" he remarked, offering
|
||
one to Ernie.
|
||
Ernie examined the cookie. "It's not a man," he said
|
||
thoughtfully. "It looks like a gingerbread...reptile."
|
||
The Fly looked at the cookies. "Yeah, you're right." He
|
||
vacuumed another one up through his snout. "They're good, though."
|
||
Ernie looked at the cookie ruefully. "I don't know if I want
|
||
to eat a reptile."
|
||
"Might as well," Captain Memory volunteered. "It wouldn't
|
||
hesitate to eat you!"
|
||
Ernie put the cookie down quickly. He seemed to have lost his
|
||
appetite again.
|
||
Ernie heard footsteps approaching the house. A man in a post
|
||
office uniform, carrying a bag of mail, was coming up the walk.
|
||
"Howdy!" the mailman said cheerfully. "Nice day, isn't it?"
|
||
"Uh, yeah." Ernie thought he should be the one to answer,
|
||
since everyone else had their mouths full.
|
||
The mailman chatted on cheerily. "Had a few Nazis a mite
|
||
earlier, but it looks like it cleared up!" He looked through his
|
||
mail. "Is there a `Mr. Ernest Ross' here?"
|
||
"Uh, that's me," Ernie answered unenthusiastically.
|
||
"Here you go!" The mailman handed Ernie a letter. "Have a nice
|
||
day!" He left.
|
||
Ernie opened the letter and read:
|
||
|
||
"Dear Mr. Ross,
|
||
|
||
We are still awaiting payment on your unpaid balance of
|
||
$195,412,771,213,312,032.29. This account is now two billion years
|
||
and two days overdue. Do not force us to turn this matter over to
|
||
a collection agency. Don't let a little matter like this ruin your
|
||
credit rating. You don't want the shame of having your name dragged
|
||
through the mud, do you? You will never be allowed to buy anything
|
||
on credit ever again. People on the street will point at you and
|
||
jeer. Your entire family will be ostracized from decent society.
|
||
Your dog will turn upon you. Your aged parents will be thrown out
|
||
of their home, your children will be spat upon, even your
|
||
childrens' children, yea, unto the seventh generation!
|
||
Save yourself from embarrassment and inconvenience by paying
|
||
this balance now! Use the enclosed envelope for your remittance."
|
||
Ernie looked between the pages. There was no enclosed envelope. He
|
||
read on.
|
||
"Sincerely,
|
||
|
||
First National Bank of the West
|
||
|
||
P.S. If you are experiencing financial difficulties at the moment,
|
||
please contact one of our representatives to work out a payment
|
||
plan. As little as a trillion dollars a month could satisfactorily
|
||
take care of this account. Thank you!"
|
||
Ernie sighed. "Isn't there anywhere you can go to get away
|
||
from junk mail?"
|
||
"I doubt it," answered Captain Memory, cutting himself a big
|
||
slice of pineapple upside-down cake.
|
||
Ernie sighed, and sat down on the nearest piece of furniture,
|
||
which happened to be a child's rocking chair which was a bit too
|
||
small for him. Ernie noticed, while squeezing himself into it, that
|
||
the arms were scraping some of the sequins off his suit. Looking
|
||
down, he noticed that sequins had been falling off his suit all
|
||
along, leaving a sparkly trail as he walked. Oh great, he thought.
|
||
Now, on top of everything else, my suit is shedding.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his bare wrist. "I guess it must be
|
||
just about time for the Eggplant Uprising," he commented.
|
||
"The what?" Ernie was confused, as usual.
|
||
"Oh, come on!" The Captain was annoyed. "Don't you pay
|
||
attention to anything I tell you? You know, the Revolt of the
|
||
Vegetables, the Purple Menace; remember, when they nuked us back to
|
||
the Stone Age?"
|
||
"Oh, sure," Ernie remembered being nuked well enough. He had
|
||
some vague recollection of the other stuff, too. He decided to
|
||
pretend he remembered the rest of it as well, since he was tired of
|
||
being picked on for not paying attention. "So, uh, what about it?"
|
||
"Well, anyway," the Captain went on. "After the Great Traffic
|
||
Jam..."
|
||
"The what?!" Ernie broke in involuntarily.
|
||
"Oh, you're right," said the Captain, slightly abashed. "I
|
||
didn't tell you about that. The Great Traffic Jam took place
|
||
because of this problem they had due to chronic over-production of
|
||
cars. You see, they just kept building all these cars, and people
|
||
kept buying them, just for the heck of it, even though they didn't
|
||
have anyplace to go in them. Well, of course, it had to happen: one
|
||
particularly nice summer day everybody decided to go for a drive
|
||
all at the same time. They wound up bumper-to-bumper, coast-to-
|
||
coast. The entire country was tied up in total gridlock. People
|
||
didn't know what to do; they didn't know how to get around without
|
||
their cars anymore. It was terrible; there was mass starvation.
|
||
Thousands died; vultures picked their bones through their
|
||
convertible tops. Well, I'm sure you can see that under
|
||
circumstances like these, people were in no mood for a practical
|
||
joke!"
|
||
"Uh, right!" Ernie thought he'd just agree, and maybe the
|
||
Captain would go on with the story without noticing that Ernie
|
||
wasn't following the story at all.
|
||
Ernie was lucky. The Captain continued: "Well, you can imagine
|
||
how people felt when rumors began to fly about certain species of
|
||
giant plants that had escaped from the atomic testing laboratories
|
||
and had grown to enormous size by feasting on human flesh. And how
|
||
these plants were determined to get revenge on the entire animal
|
||
kingdom for the millions of years of abuse they and their plant
|
||
brothers had had to put up with at the hands (and paws, and
|
||
muzzles, and so on) of non-vegetable life forms."
|
||
Ernie furled his brow. "Does that have anything to do with the
|
||
Vegetable Rights Movement?"
|
||
"You got it!" agreed Captain Memory.
|
||
Ernie felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. In
|
||
spite of himself, he WAS beginning to remember all this! He didn't
|
||
WANT to remember it, because if he remembered it, that meant....
|
||
Ernie didn't want to think about what that meant.
|
||
"Anyway," the Captain continued. "They were going to organize
|
||
all the vegetables, stage a massive uprising, and eliminate all
|
||
animal life for ever! On top of all this, these plants were
|
||
invulnerable to conventional weapons, and could only be destroyed
|
||
by the atomic fires that had created them!
|
||
"Small wonder, then, that general panic broke out when
|
||
something very large and very purple raised it's leafy head over
|
||
the city of Chicago." Captain Memory chuckled.
|
||
"Oh, wow!" said Ernie. This was really creepy. It was a lot
|
||
like telling ghost stories around the campfire at camp. "So, it was
|
||
a giant, man-eating eggplant?"
|
||
"Don't be silly! How could there be a such a thing as a giant,
|
||
man-eating eggplant?" Captain Memory was amused. "No, it was just
|
||
practical joke. It was that zany Andreas Labyrinth and his band of
|
||
merry pranksters, up to their little games again." Captain Memory
|
||
chortled. "I still remember that phony Russian invasion. That was
|
||
really a riot! Or how about that bogus epidemic! That had everybody
|
||
in stitches!"
|
||
Something about that explanation didn't seem quite right to
|
||
Ernie, but he wasn't in the mood to try to figure out what it was.
|
||
He wanted to hear the rest of Captain Memory's story. "So then what
|
||
happened, uh, will happen, uh...so, what about the Eggplant?"
|
||
"Well, as I was saying," Captain Memory always enjoyed telling
|
||
stories. "It wasn't really a giant Eggplant, it was really just a
|
||
big purple balloon. But it looked a lot like a giant eggplant, you
|
||
know, big scary face painted on it and all. I suppose, in saner
|
||
times, people might have questioned the whole thing a little more
|
||
closely. After all, there wasn't really any proof that it was a
|
||
giant eggplant. It could have been a giant grape. No reason to nuke
|
||
a giant grape, is there?"
|
||
"I guess not." Ernie supposed he might as well agree, since he
|
||
couldn't think of any reason on Earth to nuke a giant grape.
|
||
"But, people just didn't stop and think," the Captain went on.
|
||
"They just went ahead and dropped the bomb. And when they found
|
||
out, boy, were they mad!" Captain Memory chuckled. "Of course, it
|
||
isn't really funny if it doesn't make somebody mad, is it? That's
|
||
what practical jokes are all about!"
|
||
Captain Memory paused. "But, anyway, all of this should be
|
||
taking place just about" he looked at his bare wrist, "Now!" A
|
||
sound like that of distant thunder shook the house.
|
||
Ernie looked out the window. "Chicago?" he asked.
|
||
"Yup!" answered the Captain. "There it goes!"
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "Did they nuke Chicago twice?"
|
||
"Why would they want to do something like that?" Captain
|
||
Memory wondered. "Once you nuke it, it stays nuked!"
|
||
"Well, in that case," Ernie pondered. "How could we be in
|
||
Chicago just before it got nuked, before, when we're here just
|
||
before it got nuked, now?"
|
||
Captain Memory frowned. "That is confusing, isn't it? I've
|
||
never quite figured that out." The Captain didn't seem overly upset
|
||
about the problem.
|
||
Ernie decided that it probably wouldn't be good for him to
|
||
think about that problem anymore. He decided to think about
|
||
something else.
|
||
"So, what ever happened to that practical joker, that Andreas
|
||
Whats-His-Name?" he asked.
|
||
As if in answer to this question, a figure burst through the
|
||
door. It was an older man, with a wild white beard and hair. His
|
||
clothes were in tatters, and he was covered with splotches of egg,
|
||
rotten tomatoes, and other things too disgusting to think about.
|
||
"Hide me, hide me!" he implored. "They're after me! They'll tear me
|
||
to pieces! It was just a joke! I didn't know they'd take it
|
||
seriously! It was just a practical joke!"
|
||
"Well..."Ernie began.
|
||
Suddenly, the man seemed to see Ernie clearly for the first
|
||
time. "A BULLFIGHTER!" He looked at Captain Memory. "A comic-book
|
||
character!" He looked at the Fly. "A GIANT FLY!"
|
||
"What IS your problem?" Sterno demanded.
|
||
"A TALKING DOG!" the man shrieked. "You're all worse than me!
|
||
I've got to get out of here! They'll tear you all to pieces!" With
|
||
that, the man threw himself through the nearest window, which,
|
||
luckily, had been glazed with large panes of sugar instead of
|
||
glass. He sprinted towards a group of trees behind the house, and
|
||
disappeared into a large hole beneath one of them. Ernie thought he
|
||
saw a large white rabbit with a watch disappear into the hole as
|
||
well, but he wasn't sure.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his bare wrist. "I'd really like to
|
||
get a watch," he commented. "It doesn't have to be anything fancy.
|
||
A Timex would be okay."
|
||
The Fly was looking out the door. "Uh oh," he said ominously.
|
||
"Here they come!"
|
||
"Here WHO comes?" Ernie demanded anxiously.
|
||
"The angry villagers!" the Fly said unhappily. "You know, with
|
||
the torches and the rocks and everything? You don't want to mess
|
||
with the angry villagers, man. They're mean!" They Fly shuddered.
|
||
He seemed to have had some kind of bad experience with them in the
|
||
past.
|
||
"Uh, maybe we ought to get out of here?" Ernie suggested.
|
||
"I haven't finished my strawberry mousse!" Sterno said
|
||
petulantly.
|
||
"Oh man, I don't know what we're gonna do," said the Fly
|
||
miserably. "They're closing in on us from all sides!"
|
||
Ernie peered through the broken window. He could see the smoke
|
||
from their torches in the distance. It occurred to him that perhaps
|
||
they should barricade the door, or something. Unfortunately, the
|
||
door had already been broken off its hinges by the Nazis. Ernie put
|
||
it upright in the doorframe as best he could, and shoved a small
|
||
rocking chair up against it to hold it.
|
||
"I don't think that's gonna stop anybody," the Fly said
|
||
glumly.
|
||
Ernie could hear angry shouts. The villagers were approaching
|
||
fast. "I think we better do something!" Ernie urged Captain Memory.
|
||
"Oh yeah?" Captain Memory looked up unconcernedly. "Like
|
||
what?"
|
||
With a crash, a rock came sailing through on of the unbroken
|
||
windows. The angry shouts were quite close now. Ernie couldn't
|
||
understand them, though. They seemed to be in German.
|
||
A burning torch came sailing through an open window. Another
|
||
landed just outside the door. Thick black smoke began to fill the
|
||
air.
|
||
"Ew, burning sugar!" complained Sterno. "How rank!"
|
||
The Fly peeked out a window. "Oh man, those angry villagers!
|
||
They're bad news!"
|
||
"Hey, this place is burning up!" Ernie urged Captain Memory.
|
||
"We've got to DO something!"
|
||
Captain Memory made a wry face. "Well, I guess there's no
|
||
point in hanging around HERE anymore!" He thought a moment. "Let's
|
||
try 011F 0D 0001!" The scene vanished.
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
Blinking, Ernie found himself once again in an entirely
|
||
different place. He staggered, and his stomach flip-flopped. "Oh,
|
||
man", he moaned. "I don't know if I can take these sudden changes
|
||
of scene anymore."
|
||
"Oh," Captain Memory seemed surprised. "Would you rather be
|
||
back at the gingerbread cottage?"
|
||
Ernie straightened up abruptly. "No, no that's okay. I'm fine,
|
||
just fine. I"d just as soon be right...um... He looked around.
|
||
Captain Memory, the Fly, and Sterno were all looking around as
|
||
well. They were in what appeared to be a large government office.
|
||
It was a big room, with a high, arched ceiling, lit by rows of
|
||
fluorescent lights. The walls were painted eye-saver green. `It
|
||
looks like an old-fashioned post office or something,' Ernie
|
||
thought.
|
||
In the middle of the room was a long row of tables with forms
|
||
in little pigeonholes and pens attached by chains. A row of windows
|
||
occupied one wall, each with a bored-looking clerk doing something
|
||
with papers. A sign above the windows said `Federal Bureau of
|
||
Drawers'.
|
||
Ernie was puzzled. "Why did you bring us here?" He asked
|
||
Captain Memory.
|
||
"This isn't quite what I expected," admitted the Captain. He
|
||
seemed just as puzzled as Ernie. "Actually, I didn't really want to
|
||
leave. I really wanted to have another piece of cake - German
|
||
chocolate, as a matter of fact." He sighed. "I guess I won't get my
|
||
cake now."
|
||
Ernie sighed as well. He wished he had taken advantage of the
|
||
opportunity to eat something while they were still at the cottage.
|
||
He was beginning to get really hungry, and it didn't look like he
|
||
was going to be able to find anything to eat here.
|
||
Ernie looked around. "What is this place?"
|
||
The Captain regarded the building thoughfully. "I'm not sure,
|
||
but I think it's a database."
|
||
"A database?" Ernie was confused. "I thought data in
|
||
Cyberspace was supposed to look like big, glowing geometric forms
|
||
that you could fly around in!"
|
||
"Yeah, well you could do that if you wanted," the Captain
|
||
explained. "But businesses usually don't. They secretaries don't
|
||
like 'em. They like something a little more, you know, traditional.
|
||
Like this!" He gestured at the building around them.
|
||
Their discussion was interrupted by a shrill, nasal voice.
|
||
"Next, please!" Ernie looked around confusedly. "That's you!" An
|
||
unpleasant-looking older woman with her hair pulled back in a tight
|
||
bun seemed to be pointing at him. "Step up to the window, please!"
|
||
Ernie looked at Captain Memory. "What should we do?"
|
||
The Captain shrugged. "I guess we should step up to the
|
||
window." They did so.
|
||
"Hello!" Captain Memory said pleasantly to the woman behind
|
||
the window. "Can you tell us why we're here?"
|
||
"Certainly," she said through tight lips.
|
||
Captain Memory smiled. "See," he said to Ernie. "This isn't
|
||
going to be hard at all!"
|
||
The woman behind the window smirked unpleasantly. "Just fill
|
||
out this form." She handed a thick sheaf of papers to Captain
|
||
Memory.
|
||
The Captain's face fell. "What's this for?"
|
||
The woman smirked happily. "That's a form 4729, `Request for
|
||
Information'. I assume you have your authorized Form 7391 with
|
||
you?"
|
||
"Uh, I don't think so," the Captain answered confusedly. "What
|
||
is it?"
|
||
"Oh, you must have your Form 7391, `Request for Request for
|
||
Information' completely filled out, authorized, and validated
|
||
before we can process your Form 4729, `Request for Information'.
|
||
Oh, you don't have a Form 7391? Here you are!" The woman handed
|
||
Captain Memory another thick sheaf of papers.
|
||
Captain Memory looked very unhappy. He leafed though the
|
||
forms. "These are real long," he complained.
|
||
"Be sure to read ALL the directions," the woman simpered
|
||
cheerfully. Her mood seemed to be improving with every passing
|
||
form. "And fill in all the blanks, except those marked `Do Not Fill
|
||
In This Blank'. Of course, if you fail to fill in any of the
|
||
correct blanks, or if you should happen to fill in any blank marked
|
||
`Do Not Fill In This Blank', then you'll have to start ALL over
|
||
again!" She cackled with glee at the thought.
|
||
"And, of course, you'll need a Form 6729, `Request for
|
||
Authorization of Forms', a Form 3451, `Request for Validation of
|
||
Forms', a Form 4472b, `Request for Instructions for Authorization
|
||
and Validation of Forms', and a Form 2392A, `Application for
|
||
Verification of Authorization and Validation.'" She handed Captain
|
||
Memory four more thick forms. He now had a pile of forms about
|
||
eight inches high in front of him. "And, of course," she said to
|
||
Ernie "We'll need a complete set of forms from you as well," she
|
||
handed Ernie a similar stack of papers. "And from you, and from
|
||
you." She handed the Fly and Sterno each their own stack. The woman
|
||
seemed positively ecstatic now.
|
||
Ernie looked at the pile in shock. "There's... there's
|
||
thousands of them!"
|
||
"Oh yes," said the woman gleefully. "There used to be only
|
||
hundreds, but ever since they passed the Paperwork Reduction Act
|
||
we've had far more!"
|
||
Ernie regarded the papers with dismay.
|
||
"After you've filled all those out," the woman continued
|
||
delightedly. "We'll start on the rest!"
|
||
The foursome took their piles of forms to the tables in the
|
||
middle of the room and began leafing through them despondently.
|
||
"These government offices are always so depressing," Sterno
|
||
complained. "Why must they always paint them that ghastly shade of
|
||
green?"
|
||
Ernie decided that he agreed with Sterno, but he was too
|
||
depressed to talk. He began leafing listlessly through his Form
|
||
2392, `Application for Verification of Authorization and
|
||
Validation', for no other reason than that it happened to be at the
|
||
top of the pile. It started out straightforwardly enough:
|
||
|
||
Name: Social Security #:
|
||
Father's Name: Mother's Name:
|
||
Mother's Maiden Name:
|
||
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
|
||
|
||
|
||
Grandfather's Name:
|
||
Grandmother's Name:
|
||
Ernie tried to fill in his name, but the pen on the little
|
||
chain wouldn't write. Instead, he flipped a few pages ahead.
|
||
|
||
Great Grandmother on your Father's Mother's Side's Maiden Name:
|
||
Great Grandmother on your Father's Mother's Side's Dependent
|
||
Children Living with Her at the Time of Marriage (if any) Names:
|
||
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
|
||
STOP! Did you write in this space? If so, take the letters of
|
||
your name, add their numerical equivalents to your date of birth,
|
||
and turn to the appropriate section as indicated by the table on
|
||
page 349. Follow directions carefully. Then, discard this form and
|
||
start all over.
|
||
Ernie sighed. He leafed ahead a few more pages.
|
||
|
||
ENTER ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
|
||
(a)Your Adjusted Gross Income, minus Unrecovered
|
||
Depreciation otherwise deductible on Form 692A, but including
|
||
Accrued Losses not otherwise reported on this Form.
|
||
(b)The sum total of all the money you ever made in your
|
||
entire life.
|
||
(c)The sum total of the sum total of all the money you
|
||
ever made in your entire life AND all the money your father and/or
|
||
mother made in their entire lives OR;
|
||
(d)How much you got?
|
||
Complete the above and roll again. If doubles, forfeit one
|
||
turn. Otherwise, proceed to the nearest RR and pay owner TWICE what
|
||
he would otherwise receive. Do NOT pass GO; do NOT collect $200.
|
||
|
||
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
|
||
|
||
|
||
Ernie looked up. "Do you get the feeling they're playing games
|
||
with us?" he asked the others.
|
||
"Oh NO!" cried the Fly desperately.
|
||
"What!?" said Ernie, alarmed.
|
||
"I wrote in the space that says `Do Not Write in This Space'",
|
||
wailed the Fly.
|
||
"Tsk, tsk," said Sterno. "You're in big trouble now!"
|
||
Ernie was glad that it was someone other than himself who was
|
||
in big trouble, for a change. He looked over at Captain Memory.
|
||
The Captain was having a hard time filling out his forms. He
|
||
seemed to have gotten stuck. Ernie looked over his shoulder. As a
|
||
matter of fact, the Captain seemed to have gotten stuck on the
|
||
first space, `NAME:'. "Should I put `Captain Memory' or `Memory,
|
||
Captain?'" he mused.
|
||
Ernie noticed that the Captain's form was different from his.
|
||
Ernie read:
|
||
|
||
NAME:
|
||
RANK:
|
||
SERIAL NUMBER:
|
||
In twenty-five (25) words or less, explain how you manage to
|
||
travel through Cyberspace without stopping at the approprite
|
||
checkpoints and/or checksums. Be concise; use specific examples,
|
||
and remember, neatness counts!
|
||
If you need more room, use a separate sheet.
|
||
|
||
DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE
|
||
|
||
"I know!" said Captain Memory. "I can put `Memory' under
|
||
`Name:', and `Captain' under `Rank:'. I wonder what I should put
|
||
under `Cereal Number:'?"
|
||
Ernie suddenly became very uneasy. "I think maybe we should
|
||
just get out of here while we have the chance!"
|
||
Sterno was leafing through his pile of papers. "Aha!" he
|
||
cried. "Here we go: Form 1193, `Request for Authorization to Apply
|
||
for a License to Purchase Cigars'! Now we're getting somewhere!"
|
||
Sterno did not find the forms upsetting at all. In fact, he seemed
|
||
to be the only one able to deal with them. He began scribbling
|
||
industriously in the blanks. As Ernie watched, he took his sheaf of
|
||
forms to one of the windows, where it was stamped. He then took it
|
||
to another window, where a large gold seal was affixed to it. Then
|
||
on to another window, where several people signed it. He then
|
||
disappeared around a corner, and returned, moments later, carrying
|
||
a large box of cigars.
|
||
"Wow!" The Fly was awestruck. "That's amazing! I wonder how he
|
||
does that!"
|
||
"It's not really that difficult," commented Sterno, lighting
|
||
up a big cigar. His disposition always improved tremendously when
|
||
he had a cigar. "I'll tell you a secret: the universe is actually
|
||
a giant bureaucracy. It's possible to get anything in the Cosmos
|
||
done, if you fill out the right forms. However, filling out the
|
||
right forms can sometimes be very difficult indeed." He puffed his
|
||
cigar appreciatively. "Havanas, no less! One needs a special permit
|
||
to get these, I'll have you know!"
|
||
The Fly, meanwhile, was intent on trying to erase what he had
|
||
written in the space marked `Do Not Write in This Space'. So far,
|
||
he had only succeeded in tearing a hole in the paper.
|
||
Ernie, meanwhile, was noticing the fact that all the clerks
|
||
and tellers seemed to be watching them. Another unusual thing
|
||
struck him. "Hey guys," he commented. "Did you notice that there's
|
||
all these clerks and all these officials, but no customers besides
|
||
us?"
|
||
"Egad, that IS odd," agreed Sterno. "Everyone knows that the
|
||
usual ratio is 116,312 customers per clerk." He looked around.
|
||
"Where ARE all the lines? I've never seen a government office this
|
||
empty, except of course at the Administration for Not Doing
|
||
Anything At All Building, and even there only after 5:00 P.M. on
|
||
weekends. It does seem suspicious!"
|
||
Ernie was thrilled that for once, someone agreed with him.
|
||
"Okay, well that proves it, right? So let's get out of here, okay?"
|
||
"I've got it!" cried Captain Memory. He grabbed a pen, and
|
||
wrote in large, childlike block letters in the space marked `Serial
|
||
Number:' `FROSTED FLAKES'. "There!" he said, beaming. He looked at
|
||
the next line, and his face fell. "Oh, it's an essay question! I
|
||
hate essay questions!"
|
||
"So let's get out of here, okay?" Ernie urged. He felt more
|
||
uneasy with each passing moment.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "I guess we might as well. I'm never
|
||
gonna finish this thing!" He pushed the pile of papers aside. Ernie
|
||
began slowly heading toward the door, acutely aware of all the
|
||
clerks watching him. He tried to act as nonchalant as possible,
|
||
whistling a little tune and shuffling his feet as he walked.
|
||
"Just a minute!" he heard the old woman clerk cry out. "Just
|
||
WHERE do you think you're going?"
|
||
"Uh..uh.." Ernie stammered.
|
||
"Don't you know you're not allowed to leave without filling
|
||
out a Form 9150, `Application for Authorization to Apply for
|
||
Permission for an Interruption in Completion of Forms'!" she
|
||
shrieked. "Get back here!"
|
||
Ernie thought fast. "Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom!"
|
||
The old woman glared at the other three. "And what about YOU?"
|
||
The others followed Ernie's lead. "Uh, we all gotta go to the
|
||
bathroom!" they chorused in unison.
|
||
The clerk scowled. "All right! Fill out this Form 7711,
|
||
`Request for Permission to Apply for Authorization for Admission to
|
||
the Sanitary Facility'!" she snapped. "Anyway, you're going the
|
||
wrong way! The bathroom's that way!" She pointed down a long
|
||
corridor which seemed to disappear into the bowels of the building.
|
||
Ernie looked at the others. "RUN!!" he yelled. They all
|
||
sprinted for the door.
|
||
"Stop them!" shrieked the old woman, but they were already
|
||
through the door.
|
||
Outside, they found themselves on the dingy streets of what
|
||
appeared to be a large city greatly in need of urban renewal. "We'd
|
||
better keep moving," Ernie urged. "They're right behind us!"
|
||
The Fly looked back. "No, they're not."
|
||
Ernie stopped, confused, and turned around. Sure enough, there
|
||
was no sign of pursuit. "Why aren't they chasing us?" Ernie
|
||
wondered.
|
||
"Oh, here's the reason," said Captain Memory regarding his
|
||
bare wrist. "It's five o'clock. Civil servants never work past
|
||
five!" He continued to regard his bare wrist. "I'd really like to
|
||
get a watch!"
|
||
Ernie breathed a sigh of relief. "So, we're safe, then?"
|
||
"At least till nine o'clock tomorrow morning," Captain Memory
|
||
agreed. He looked around brightly. "Let's go for a walk! Maybe we
|
||
can find a jewelry store somewhere around here!" Captain Memory
|
||
paused reflectively, looking at his bare wrist. "It doesn't have to
|
||
be a Rolex. A Seiko would be okay. Of course, I wouldn't mind a
|
||
Rolex!" They began strolling down the street.
|
||
As they neared the corner, they began to hear music in the
|
||
distance. Ernie recognized the sound of steel drums and guitars.
|
||
"Reggae!" he said. "Somebody's playing reggae music around here!"
|
||
Ernie relaxed. While he wasn't a particular fan of reggae music, it
|
||
made him fell more at home to come across anything at all he could
|
||
recognize.
|
||
As they turned the corner, they came upon a group of black
|
||
people who seemed to be having a party. They wore bright-colored
|
||
clothes, and had their hair hanging down in long braids.
|
||
"Dreadlocks!" Ernie recognized. "They must be Rastafarians!"
|
||
The Fly seemed totally confused by these people. "Hey, guy!"
|
||
he said to one of them. "Uh, do you live around here?"
|
||
"Oh, no mon," the man answered in a thick Jamaican accent. "We
|
||
not from here, mon. We from de Islands. We Rastas!"
|
||
In spite of himself, Ernie found himself becoming suspicious.
|
||
For one thing, they didn't look like other black people Ernie knew.
|
||
There was something funny about their skin tone. It was unusually
|
||
black, and it seemed to be coming off on objects around them. Out
|
||
of a corner of his eye, Ernie noticed a trash can nearby. It seemed
|
||
to be full of empty bottles of black shoe polish.
|
||
Another of the Rastafarians approached the Fly. "Hey,
|
||
brother," he said, pointing at the Fly's antenna. "You got de
|
||
dreadlocks too, I see. Here, smoke some of dis ganja!" He handed
|
||
the Fly a funny-looking cigarette.
|
||
"Uh, thanks." The Fly accepted the cigarette. However, he
|
||
couldn't seem to fit it into his snout, no matter which way he held
|
||
it.
|
||
Ernie heard the reassuring strains of Bob Marley and the
|
||
Wailers drifting out through a nearby doorway, but he was unable to
|
||
shake his suspicions. He noticed something unusual about the man's
|
||
footwear. "Since when do Rastas wear jackboots?"
|
||
The man seemed momentarily nonplussed, but quickly recovered
|
||
his composure. "Oh sure, mon. We all wear de jackboots now. It's de
|
||
new `in' thing." He turned to the Fly. "Ain't dat right, brother?"
|
||
The Fly had managed to get a grip on the cigarette with his
|
||
snout, and was puffing away. He started to giggle. "Jackboots!
|
||
Sure! Why not!"
|
||
"Dere you go, mon," the Rasta said reassuringly, while taking
|
||
out a monocle and fitting it into his eye. "You got nothin' to
|
||
worry about! We just Rastas, mon. We not Nazis, or nothin'!" He
|
||
laughed. "Oh, no!"
|
||
The Fly was giggling uncontrollably now. "Hey, that's GREAT
|
||
music!" he said enthusiastically. "You guys are really alright!
|
||
This is FUN!" He broke down into fits of hysterical giggling.
|
||
"Take it easy, mon," the Rasta said to Ernie. "My name's Jack.
|
||
I from Monterey. Dey call me Monterey Jack!"
|
||
Sterno stiffened. "Monterey Jack! Do you know what that is!?"
|
||
he hissed. "It's...it's CHEESE!"
|
||
The Rasta stood abruptly up, the monocle dropping out of his
|
||
eye. "SEIZE THEM!" he shrieked, his Islands accent abruptly
|
||
vanishing.
|
||
"RUN!" shouted Ernie and Sterno together.
|
||
"Hey guys, what's the rush?" asked the Fly, his head lolling
|
||
from side to side. "Isn't this a FUN party?"
|
||
"Come ON!" Ernie grabbed the Fly's tie and pulled him along
|
||
like a puppy on a leash. The ran down the narrow street, the Fly
|
||
stumbling and giggling. Close behind them were the imitation
|
||
Rastas, discarding their Caribbean clothes as they ran to reveal
|
||
Nazi uniforms beneath. "Quick, in here!" Ernie pulled the Fly into
|
||
an open doorway, followed by Sterno and Captain Memory. Inside was
|
||
a flight of stairs. They ran up the stairs and through a door at
|
||
the first landing, to find themselves in a long corridor, lined by
|
||
rows of doors.
|
||
"Looks like an apartment building, or maybe a hotel," Ernie
|
||
observed. "Maybe we can find a room to hide in!"
|
||
"Good idea!" Sterno agreed.
|
||
"I'd like a room with a TV, if you don't mind," Captain Memory
|
||
added. Ernie glared at him, and hurried down the hall, still
|
||
dragging the Fly by the necktie.
|
||
An open door beckoned. The four rushed into what appeared to
|
||
be an ordinary, somewhat run-down hotel room, slammed the door
|
||
behind them, and locked it.
|
||
"Whew!" Ernie breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I don't think
|
||
they can find us in here! Look's like we're safe!"
|
||
The Fly collapsed into an overstuffed chair. He held his hands
|
||
up in front of his face. "Oh wow," he said wonderingly. "Did you
|
||
ever look at your hands? I mean, really LOOK at them?" He started
|
||
giggling again.
|
||
"Hmmph!" Sterno sniffed. "Some people just can't hold their
|
||
ganja!"
|
||
There was a knock on the door.
|
||
"Ssh!" Ernie cautioned the others. "Let's just be quiet and
|
||
they won't know we're in here!"
|
||
"Ve know you're in dere!" a voice outside the door shouted.
|
||
Ernie was astonished. "How could they know we were in here?"
|
||
he whispered to the others.
|
||
"Dat's easy!" answered the voice from behind them door. "Ve
|
||
just follow ze trail of sequins!"
|
||
Ernie looked at his toreador suit. Large, sparkle-less patches
|
||
confirmed his worst fears. Sure enough, a faint, but clearly
|
||
identifiable trail of sequins led under the door.
|
||
Ernie became aware of everyone glaring at him, except of
|
||
course, the Fly, who was still busily examining his hands. "You,
|
||
again!" snarled Sterno.
|
||
"Well, hey..." Ernie shrugged defensively. "What am I supposed
|
||
to do, you know? I..."
|
||
The knock sounded again, this time louder. "Open up!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the door. I'll be cool about this, he decided.
|
||
Maybe I can fake them out. "Uh, yes?" he called out brightly.
|
||
"Who's there?"
|
||
"Nazis!" came the reply. "Open up!"
|
||
"Uh, no thanks! We don't want any!"
|
||
"You vill open zis door! NOW!"
|
||
Ernie thought fast. "Uh, I'm in the bathroom right now! Could
|
||
you come back later?"
|
||
"BREAK DOWN ZE DOOR!" Something large and heavy thudded into
|
||
the door.
|
||
Ernie looked around the room frantically. "The fire escape!"
|
||
Ernie pointed through an open window. "Quick! Everybody! Out that
|
||
way!" The ran to the window and climbed down the fire escape, Ernie
|
||
pulling the Fly by the necktie. "Hey, what's the rush, guys?" asked
|
||
the Fly, giggling. "We just got here!"
|
||
As they hurried down the fire escape, Ernie heard the sound of
|
||
the door breaking down behind them. "After zem!" a voice cried.
|
||
The bottom of the fire escape led to a narrow alley. Hurrying
|
||
along it, the found themselves facing a large iron door. There was
|
||
no other way out of the alley. The sounds of pursuit were close
|
||
behind them. Ernie tried the doorknob. It was unlocked. "Quick,
|
||
through here!" he shouted.
|
||
They four scrambled through the door and slammed it behind
|
||
them. Inside it was totally dark. Ernie felt along the doorframe
|
||
for a lock. He found one, and locked it. He found another, and
|
||
locked that too. There was also a large bolt, and a huge padlock.
|
||
He locked those as well. "There," he said. "That should keep them
|
||
out. We're safe now!" He breathed a sigh of relief.
|
||
"Where are we?" he heard Captain Memory's voice ask. "I can't
|
||
see a thing!"
|
||
Ernie inched carefully forward, his hands outstretched, hoping
|
||
to find a lamp, or a light switch, or something. Suddenly, from out
|
||
of the darkness, a voice rang out. "Ah, how nice of you to return!"
|
||
the voice said. "Ve haff been vaiting for you!"
|
||
"Uh oh," Ernie began. "I think we're in trouble guys!"
|
||
The now-familiar voice of the game-show announcer boomed out.
|
||
"You sure are, because it's time for WHEEL OF TORTURE!"
|
||
There was the sound of tremendous applause.
|
||
The entire scene erupted into blinding light.
|
||
The announcer continued. "And now, for our first contestant:
|
||
from Toledo, Ohio, it's Goombah the Toreador!"
|
||
"My name's Ernie," Ernie complained. "Gimme a break, huh?"
|
||
"SURE!" the announcer agreed cheerfully. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
|
||
BROKEN?!" Ernie heard uproarious laughter.
|
||
"Say!" the announcer continued. "I just LOVE your suit! You're
|
||
missing a few sequins, though!" Ernie heard laughter again, this
|
||
time cut short in a very artificial-sounding way. His eyes were
|
||
beginning to adjust to the light, but he still couldn't see
|
||
clearly.
|
||
"And here's our second contestant: from Des Moines, Iowa, it's
|
||
Seth Brundage, the Human Fly!"
|
||
"Aw, I wish you wouldn't call me that!" the Fly complained.
|
||
"It makes a real bad impression, you know? Couldn't you just call
|
||
me `Seth'?"
|
||
"Sure thing, Mr. Fly!" the announcer agreed jovially.
|
||
The Fly moaned. "And I'm not from Des Moines, either!"
|
||
Ernie's vision was beginning to clear up. They were,
|
||
unfortunately, back on the stage of `Wheel of Torture'. They seemed
|
||
to have blundered (or been maneuvered) into the same stage they had
|
||
escaped from twice before. Ernie just hoped they would be able to
|
||
escape from it again.
|
||
He looked out towards the audience. There was no audience -
|
||
just empty chairs. Ernie looked around. There were no guards, no
|
||
chorus girls. In fact, there was only one person: the Gestapo's
|
||
greatest, Sturmbannfuhrer Dr. Heinz von Liederkranz, the man whose
|
||
name sounds like cheese! Ernie heard thunderous applause.
|
||
"Tank you, tank you!" von Liederkranz bowed in the direction
|
||
of the non-existent audience. He then reached out and shut off a
|
||
small tape recorder. The applause ended abruptly. He turned on
|
||
another small tape recorder. "And now, on with the show!" the
|
||
recorded voice of the announcer rang out. Von Liederkranz shut that
|
||
one off, too.
|
||
"Zo, ve meet again!" Von Liederkranz smiled unpleasantly. "Now
|
||
you are in my power! You vill tell me vhat I vant to know!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the empty chairs. "What happened to the
|
||
audience?"
|
||
Von Liederkranz's face turned hard. "Dat vas most...
|
||
unfortunate. Dey all refused to confess, und I vas forced to...
|
||
eliminate dem. For vhich..." He looked around quickly. Finding no-
|
||
one else around him, he settled on Ernie. "YOU vill pay,
|
||
schweinhund!" he cried, slapping Ernie with his riding crop.
|
||
"Why me!?" cried Ernie. "I didn't..."
|
||
"SILENCE!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz eyed them all suspiciously. "Unfortunately, I
|
||
vill not be able to interrogate you at de moment, due to a, um,
|
||
temporary staff shortage. Until zis situation can be remedied, I
|
||
vill be forced to keep you locked up. Zis time, however, you vill
|
||
not escape due to ze incompetence of guards! Ze guards have been...
|
||
liquidated." He smiled evilly. "Now, you vill go behind Door Nummer
|
||
One! MARSCH!" He gestured at them with an evil-looking
|
||
weapon. The foursome found themselves herded through Door Number
|
||
One, which crashed shut behind them with a very loud and ominous
|
||
clang.
|
||
Ernie looked around, his eyes slowly becoming accustomed to
|
||
the darkness. They seemed to be back in the same large dungeon cell
|
||
they had been held in before. The room was dimly lit by a torch
|
||
attached to one wall. The far reaches of the room disappeared into
|
||
the darkness, making it impossible to tell exactly how big the cell
|
||
was.
|
||
"Oh man," the Fly complained. "Not here again! This place is
|
||
no fun! I waited for my date in here for DAYS, man! She never
|
||
showed up! I couldn't even get a drink while I waited! The service
|
||
in here is terrible!" He peered into the darkness. "Waiter!
|
||
Waiter!" He sighed. "It doesn't do any good. Nobody ever comes!"
|
||
Ernie peered into the darkness. No, he couldn't see anything
|
||
that even remotely resembled a waiter. However, straining his ears,
|
||
he did seem to hear something. It sounded like sniffling, and
|
||
perhaps crying. "Who's there?" he called into the darkness.
|
||
Two small figures began to approach into the light. As they
|
||
approached, Ernie could see that they were children: a little boy
|
||
and a little girl. They were both dressed in German national
|
||
costumes. The girl was wearing a dirndl, and the boy was wearing
|
||
lederhosen and a little alpine hat. They both seemed very sad.
|
||
Ernie was surprised. "Hi there," he said to the little boy in
|
||
a kindly manner. "What's your name?"
|
||
"My name is Hansel," said the boy, with a heavy German accent.
|
||
"Und dis is my sister, Gretel."
|
||
The Fly regarded the children. "Say, you kids haven't seen my
|
||
date, have you? She's about five-foot-two, eyes of blue..." The
|
||
children looked at him uncomprehendingly. The Fly sighed. "Oh well,
|
||
it was worth a try."
|
||
Ernie regarded the children with amazement. "How did you kids
|
||
get here?"
|
||
Hansel sniffled sadly. "Ve vas arrested by ze Gestapo," he
|
||
explained. "Ve vas lost in ze forest, und ve found zis gingerbread
|
||
house, und a vicked vitch, und ve push her in ze oven." Hansel
|
||
sniffled tearfully. "How vas ve to know she vas a Gestapo agent?"
|
||
"Gee, that's tough, kid," Ernie said sympathetically. He hoped
|
||
Hansel wouldn't cry. He never knew what to do around crying
|
||
children.
|
||
"Well, cheer up, kid," Captain Memory added in brightly. "It
|
||
could be worse!"
|
||
"How?" asked Hansel innocently.
|
||
"Uh..." Captain Memory thought for a moment. "I'll get back to
|
||
you on that!" He fell silent.
|
||
Hansel whimpered. "It's so cold and dark and awful in here!
|
||
I'm afraid!"
|
||
Ernie winced. `Oh, he's gonna start crying', he thought. `What
|
||
am I gonna do? I don't know what to do when kids cry!' Ernie tried
|
||
to think of something to do. "Uh, cheer up kid! Maybe I'll tell you
|
||
a story!"
|
||
Hansel brightened. "Oh, do you know a good story?"
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Uh, well,...no." He turned to Captain Memory.
|
||
"Hey, tell these kids a story! You know lots of stories!"
|
||
"Tell us a story! Tell us a story!" The children jumped up and
|
||
down in front of Captain Memory.
|
||
The Captain seemed confused. "Well, uh, I dunno."
|
||
"Oh man," said the Fly. "You're not gonna disappoint these
|
||
poor little kids, are you? Tell 'em something!"
|
||
Captain Memory hesitated. "Well, gee. I don't know what to
|
||
tell them!"
|
||
Hansel jumped up and down excitedly. "Tell us how you travel
|
||
from sector to sector in Cyberspace vithout getting shtopped at ze
|
||
checkpoints! Tell us dat one!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. How did these kids know about that?
|
||
Gretel, too, was jumping up and down excitedly. "Tell us how
|
||
you can JUMP from places dat are not supposed to accept any
|
||
external commands! Tell us dat one!"
|
||
The Captain seemed unsure. "Well, I don't know if I should
|
||
talk about that!"
|
||
"Oh, sure!" said Hansel reassuringly. "You can tell us all
|
||
about it! Dere's no harm in it! Ve're just little kids! You can
|
||
tell us everything you know!"
|
||
"I really shouldn't..." the Captain began.
|
||
"Oh, come on," Hansel cajoled. "Why not? We're just little
|
||
kids who want to hear a story! We're not midgets, just little kids!
|
||
And," he laughed. "We're certainly not Gestapo agents!"
|
||
Gretel laughed too. "Oh no, we're not midget Gestapo agents,
|
||
nothing of the kind! How silly to even think such a thing!"
|
||
Hansel gestured at Gretel. "See? Dot proves it! Und ve're
|
||
certainly not trying to pump you for information, ve just vant you
|
||
to tell us a story, ja?"
|
||
Captain Memory breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's a load
|
||
off my mind!"
|
||
"Gut! Gut!" Hansel and Gretel beamed. "Now, you vill tell us
|
||
vhat ve vant to know, ja?"
|
||
"Sure!" said Captain Memory brightly. "Uh," he scratched his
|
||
head. "What were we talking about again?"
|
||
Hansel fumed. "Talk, schweinhund! Or else ve..." He noticed
|
||
Gretel glaring at him. He caught himself. "Oh, ja." He laughed
|
||
feebly. "You vill tell us how you JUMP from place to place, ja?"
|
||
Sterno looked at the children suspiciously. "There's something
|
||
very peculiar about these children," he remarked. He looked them up
|
||
and down carefully. "You children," he demanded. "What is your LAST
|
||
NAME?"
|
||
Hansel and Gretel looked at each other in confusion. "Our
|
||
what?"
|
||
"You last name!" Sterno insisted. "Your first names are Hansel
|
||
and Gretel; what are your last names? Even Germans have last
|
||
names!"
|
||
Hansel and Gretel put their heads together and began
|
||
whispering furiously between them. "Last names...Dey didn't give
|
||
us...Vhat do ve say?" Finally, the looked up. "Uh, Colby! Dot's our
|
||
last name! Hansel and Gretel Colby! Ein gut name, ja?"
|
||
Sterno stiffened. "Do you know what that IS!?" he hissed.
|
||
"It's...it's CHEESE! COLBY CHEESE!"
|
||
A look of fury passed over both Hansel and Gretel's faces.
|
||
"Dummkopf!" Gretel screamed at Hansel. "You give away ze whole
|
||
show! Und ve vas zo close!"
|
||
"ME!?" Hansel shrieked back. "It vas you! You pick zis stupid
|
||
name!"
|
||
Suddenly, the door to the dungeon cell flew open. Von
|
||
Liederkranz stood in the doorway, framed in light. "Zo," he said
|
||
menacingly. "My liddle subterfuge does not fool you, eh? Dot is
|
||
most... unfortunate. Now I vill have to interrogate you meinself.
|
||
Out!" The entire group stepped out of the dungeon cell, and back
|
||
onto the stage of WHEEL OF TORTURE.
|
||
Von Liederkranz turned to Hansel and Gretel. "Und as for YOU,"
|
||
They winced. "Such incompetence is not to be tolerated! You vill
|
||
perhaps step behind Door Nummer Four, ja?"
|
||
The midgets blanched. "NEIN! NEIN! Not Door Nummer Four!"
|
||
"MARSCH!" Von Liederkranz gestured toward the door with his
|
||
evil-looking weapon. The midgets filed sadly through the door,
|
||
which slammed shut behind them. Ernie heard two piercing, blood-
|
||
curdling screams, and then silence.
|
||
Shaken, he turned to Captain Memory. "What...what is behind
|
||
Door Number Four?"
|
||
The Captain shook his head sadly. "You DON'T want to know!"
|
||
Ernie thought for a moment, and decided that probably the
|
||
Captain was right.
|
||
Von Liederkranz smiled evilly. "Und now, ze interrogation! Too
|
||
bad you did not tell ze midgets ze story dey vanted to hear! It
|
||
vould have been much easier... for you!" He stopped, sniffing at
|
||
something in the air. "Vot is dat smell?" he inquired of no-one in
|
||
particular. His eyes lighted on Sterno, whose cigar smoke was
|
||
drifting his way. "Vot are you smoking?"
|
||
"Oh, care for one?" Sterno offered politely. "They're
|
||
Havanas!"
|
||
"Very nice!" Von Liederkranz accepted one. His eyes narrowed.
|
||
"Vhere did you get dese? It takes a special permit to buy dese!"
|
||
"Of course," Sterno agreed. "You need a Form 1193, `Request
|
||
for Authorization to Apply for a License to Purchase Cigars', and
|
||
you have to have it validated, verified, stamped, sealed, notarized
|
||
and signed; in triplicate, of course. Then you file it, wait for
|
||
your authorization number, and then..."
|
||
"I see!" Von Liederkranz interrupted. Of course, he didn't see
|
||
at all, but listening to this sort of thing gave him a headache.
|
||
"You must be very important, to have such privileges!"
|
||
Sterno puffed himself up proudly. "Well, as a matter of fact,
|
||
I..."
|
||
They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who dares to
|
||
interrupt me!?" von Liederkranz fumed.
|
||
"Mailman!" a cheerful voice answered.
|
||
"Vot do you vant?" von Liederkranz answered angrily. The same
|
||
cheerful-looking mailman entered. `How did he get through all those
|
||
locks?' Ernie wondered.
|
||
"I got a letter here for a Mr. Ernest Ross!"
|
||
Ernie waved weakly. "Right here!" The mailman handed Ernie his
|
||
letter, and left.
|
||
Von Liederkranz was livid with rage. "Vhy do you get all ze
|
||
mail?!" he raged. "I myself am avaiting important communications,
|
||
but do I receive zem? No! YOU get all ze mail! Just last veek I vas
|
||
informed dat I may already have won TEN MILLION DOLLARS! Prize
|
||
Notification Central is supposed to contact me any day now! But do
|
||
I hear from zem? NO! I don't even get ze magazines I order from
|
||
zem, either! YOU get all ze mail!" Von Liederkranz raged. "Zis
|
||
makes me very angry! For vhich..." He looked quickly around. His
|
||
eyes lit on the Fly. "YOU vill pay, schweinhund!" He slapped the
|
||
Fly with his riding crop.
|
||
"Hey!" the Fly complained. "It's not my fault! Gimme a break,
|
||
huh?"
|
||
Von Liederkranz smiled evilly. "Vhat vould you like broken?
|
||
Heh, heh!"
|
||
The Fly frowned. "Hey, guys, we gotta think of some other
|
||
phrase to use around here! I don't think it's safe to say `Gimme
|
||
a...'" He looked uneasily at von Liederkranz, who was smirking
|
||
menacingly. "...uh, to say that thing we just said, you know?"
|
||
Ernie opened his letter and read, even though he had a sinking
|
||
feeling that he knew what it was going to say. He was right:
|
||
|
||
"Dear Mr. Ross,
|
||
We have been retained by the National Bank of the
|
||
West to investigate the matter of an unpaid credit card balance of
|
||
$195,412,771,213,312,032.29. We understand that this account is a
|
||
little over two billion years overdue. Perhaps this matter has
|
||
slipped your mind. Perhaps you think you've got better things to
|
||
do. Well, LISTEN, you lousy DEADBEAT, if we don't get that money by
|
||
noon tomorrow, we're gonna send Vito to collect it! This is gonna
|
||
make Vito very angry! Vito is gonna get this out of you, ONE WAY OR
|
||
THE OTHER, if you get my drift! So send us this money, PUNK, while
|
||
you still can!
|
||
|
||
Affectionately,
|
||
|
||
ACME COLLECTION AGENCY
|
||
|
||
P.S. If you have already sent in a check for this amount, please
|
||
disregard this letter. Have a nice day!"
|
||
The letter ended with a Smile face.
|
||
Ernie moaned. It was all just getting worse and worse.
|
||
"Give me zat letter!" von Liederkranz tore the letter out of
|
||
Ernie's hand. "Zo, just as ve thought!" he said, reading the letter
|
||
quickly and then tossing it aside. "Zo, you have problems vith
|
||
money, eh?" Ernie nodded, smiling weakly. "I can understand zat,"
|
||
said von Liederkranz commiseratingly. "I, too, have problems vith
|
||
money. In fact, I begin to see, now, vhere some of my problems come
|
||
from!" He pulled out a wicked-looking weapon and held it in Ernie's
|
||
face. "VHAT HAVE YOU DONE VITH MY PRIZE NOTIFICATION?!"
|
||
"ME!?" Ernie began. "I never..."
|
||
"Do not trifle vith me!" von Liederkranz snapped. He held the
|
||
weapon up for Ernie's inspection. "Do you know vhat zis is?"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie began.
|
||
"It is a pain generator," von Liederkranz went on menacingly.
|
||
"You vould like a taste, perhaps?"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie began again.
|
||
Von Liederkranz pulled the trigger. Instantly, Ernie's entire
|
||
body was engulfed in intense, searing pain. "YEEOW!"
|
||
VOn Liederkranz smirked evilly. "Ze pain generator has
|
||
intensity settings. Dat vas a number `1'. Ze numbers go up to
|
||
`100'. You vould like to try, perhaps, a `25'?"
|
||
Ernie blanched. All he could think of to say was "Well..."
|
||
There was a knock on the door. "Mailman!"
|
||
"AHA!" Von Liederkranz cried excitedly. "I knew it! ZE PRIZE
|
||
NOTIFICATION!" Von Liederkranz ran to the door and threw it open
|
||
frantically.
|
||
The door flew open, and von Liederkranz froze in horror. "MEIN
|
||
GOTT!" he shrieked. There, an inch outside the door, was a huge
|
||
Post Office dump truck, it's bed lifted, its tailgate open, ready
|
||
to dump. Von Liederkranz had time for only one short scream before
|
||
he was completely engulfed in a huge flood of slick paper
|
||
magazines.
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "Poor guy, he should have
|
||
read the fine print. It clearly says that ordering all the
|
||
magazines won't increase your chances to win."
|
||
"Tough," Ernie said callously. After his brush with the pain
|
||
generator, he wasn't in the mood to be too sympathetic about
|
||
anything that happened to von Liederkranz. "So, why don't we get
|
||
out of here, okay?"
|
||
"Hmm," said Captain Memory thoughtfully. "`Out of here', you
|
||
say. Well, that's all well and good, I mean, anybody can just say
|
||
`let's get out of here', but..." He trailed off.
|
||
"Do you have a problem with that?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"Well, um," said Captain Memory thoughtfully. "I'm not exacly
|
||
sure where we should go next. My last location didn't work out
|
||
quite the way I intended it."
|
||
"Hoow about the Dead Sea Phonograph Records?" Ernie suggested.
|
||
"Maybe we should go and check them out!"
|
||
"Will you get off that `Dead Sea Phonograph Records'
|
||
business?" Sterno snapped. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've
|
||
heard in...in..." He thought a moment. "...two billion years!"
|
||
"Well, have you got a better idea?" Ernie said exasperatedly.
|
||
"Loot, rape, and pillage," said the Fly thoughtfully.
|
||
"What!?" Ernie didn't know what to make of that statement at
|
||
all.
|
||
"You know," the Fly continued. "What the Nazi was saying,
|
||
`Loot, rape, and pillage'. It reminds me of something, but I can't
|
||
quite recall what." The Fly concentrated. "Doesn't it just drive
|
||
you crazy when you can almost think of something, and then, just
|
||
when you think you got it, it gets away from you?"
|
||
"I know what you mean," said Ernie sympathetically.
|
||
"Let me see now," said Captain Memory reflectively. He seemed
|
||
to be taking the Fly's problem very seriously. "That was: Rape,
|
||
Loot and Pillage?"
|
||
Sterno frowned. "I don't think that's right."
|
||
Captain Memory looked surprised. "What's wrong with it? It's
|
||
not a song title, is it?"
|
||
"No." Sterno thought a moment. "It could be a heavy-metal rock
|
||
song. But I don't think it is."
|
||
Captain Memory breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's one
|
||
less thing to worry about!" He fell silent; he seemed to be lost in
|
||
thought.
|
||
Sterno continued. "I think it's supposed to be `loot, pillage,
|
||
and rape'."
|
||
The Fly considered this. "`Loot, pillage, rape', not `loot,
|
||
rape, pillage'?"
|
||
"How about `pillage, rape, loot'?" Ernie chimed in.
|
||
The others glared at him. "Don't be ridiculous!" Sterno
|
||
snapped.
|
||
"Attila the Hun!" the Fly cried excitedly.
|
||
"What?!" Ernie said exasperatedly. "What in the world does
|
||
that have to do with anything?"
|
||
"That's what I was trying to think of!" The Fly was jubilant.
|
||
"Boy, do I feel better!" He turned to Captain Memory. "Hey, it was
|
||
Attila the Hun!"
|
||
The Captain seemed to have sunk into a reverie. The Fly's
|
||
comment seemed to suddenly startle him out of it. "What? Oh, Attila
|
||
the Hun? Well, I guess. I can't think of anything better!"
|
||
Ernie didn't like the sound of this. "Wait a minute! What..."
|
||
But it was too late.
|
||
"0028 CE 21!" Captain Memory cried. The scene vanished.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 6
|
||
|
||
The foursome found themselves standing on a grassy hill. In
|
||
this distance a column of smoke rose heavenward from a village that
|
||
was being pillaged - possibly looted and raped as well (it was too
|
||
far to see).
|
||
"There you go, guys," said Captain Memory cheerfully. "Attila
|
||
the Hun! Now what?"
|
||
"What do you mean, `Now what?'?" Ernie demanded. "If you don't
|
||
know what we're going to do here, then why did you bring us here?"
|
||
"I thought you wanted to come here!" Captain Memory protested.
|
||
"It wasn't my idea! I was just trying to be nice! Actually, I
|
||
thought it was kind of a weird thing to do. I mean, we could have
|
||
gone to Vegas, we could have gone to Hawaii, but no, you want to go
|
||
see Attila the Hun!"
|
||
"Well, whose idea was it, then?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"Well, it certainly wasn't MY idea!" Sterno demurred.
|
||
They all looked at the Fly. He shifted uncomfortably. "Hey, I
|
||
was just making conversation, you know? I didn't mean we should
|
||
actually come and SEE Attila the Hun. I don't even know the guy,
|
||
you know?"
|
||
Captain Memory chuckled. "How about that! We came all the way
|
||
to ancient Rome, and nobody really wanted to go at all! Funny how
|
||
things work out, isn't it? Well, I guess we'll just have to make
|
||
the best of it!"
|
||
|
||
Ernie looked out across the fields. "How can we be in anciant
|
||
Rome, anyway?" he asked.
|
||
"Educational software," the Captain explained. "THE HISTORY OF
|
||
THE WORLD database. All the schools have it."
|
||
"Oh." Ernie looked down. He noticed they were standing on a
|
||
road. He would have assumed it was one of the famous Roman Roads,
|
||
except that it was made of yellow brick. Ernie was almost certain
|
||
that the Romans didn't build their roads out of yellow bricks, but
|
||
he decided not to say anything about it, just in case he was wrong.
|
||
He was sick of being made fun of.
|
||
"I wonder where this road leads," Ernie speculated.
|
||
"Rome," Sterno answered with certainty.
|
||
"How do you know?" Ernie was skeptical.
|
||
"Everybody knows that," Sterno answered with authority. "`All
|
||
Roads Lead to Rome'!"
|
||
"Hey, that'll be fun!" the Fly chimed in. "Maybe we can get
|
||
togas! Maybe we can have a Toga party!" He started chanting. "Toga!
|
||
Toga! Toga!"
|
||
"Yeah, maybe we can get shot full of arrows by the Huns, too,"
|
||
Ernie added glumly.
|
||
They began walking down the yellow brick road. In the distance
|
||
a pall of smoke rose from nearby pillaged villages. "Hey, there's
|
||
a building up ahead!" the Fly observed.
|
||
They walked nearer. "Oh, it's a Roman villa! They're supposed
|
||
to be very luxurious! Let's take a look at it!"
|
||
Ernie was doubtful. "What if it's been pillaged?"
|
||
"Don't be ridiculous!" Sterno snapped. "It's a `villa', not a
|
||
`village'! You can't very well pillage a `villa'! It doesn't even
|
||
rhyme!"
|
||
"Oh...sorry," Ernie felt like he just couldn't stop making
|
||
mistakes.
|
||
"They education they give young people these days!" Sterno
|
||
sniffed. "It's just a disgrace! Whatever happened to the classical
|
||
education? Where I come from, EVERYONE who is ANYONE has a
|
||
classical education!"
|
||
"I don't have a classical education," the Fly commented.
|
||
"My point exactly," Sterno smirked.
|
||
The Fly frowned. "Hey, are you putting me down or something?"
|
||
"Oh, perish forbid," said Sterno sneeringly. "Far be it from
|
||
me to put you down, when you do such a wonderful job of it
|
||
yourself!"
|
||
"Oh, uh...thanks." The Fly seemed confused. He brightened.
|
||
"Say, do you suppose there'll be any beautiful harem girls in that
|
||
villa?"
|
||
Sterno looked disgusted. "This is ROME! They don't have harems
|
||
in ROME! Only the Arabs have harems!"
|
||
"Aww." The Fly seemed deeply disappointed.
|
||
A thought occurred to Ernie. "Hey, this is ancient Rome!"
|
||
"You just noticed that?" Sterno said sarcastically.
|
||
"I'll bet this has something to do with the Dead Sea
|
||
Phonograph Records!"
|
||
Sterno sighed disgustedly. "Will you PLEASE get off that Dead
|
||
Sea Phonograph Records business? You are the only person I know who
|
||
organizes their entire life around articles in sensational
|
||
tabloids! Why can't you worry about something serious, like alien
|
||
Elvis clones?"
|
||
A serious look came over Ernie's face. "Do you suppose I
|
||
should?"
|
||
Sterno sighed again. "Hopeless!"
|
||
They approached the villa. A large white marble porch, held up
|
||
by Roman columns, greeted them. Ernie noticed something moving in
|
||
the shadows nearby.
|
||
The Fly peered at it. "Oh, it's a horse!" he exclaimed.
|
||
The horse walked towards them out of the shadows. Ernie saw it
|
||
was a good-sized palomino, well-groomed, wearing a bridle.
|
||
Something looked a bit odd about it, but in this light Ernie
|
||
couldn't tell what it was. But then, he didn't really know that
|
||
much about horses anyway.
|
||
The horse approached them. "Hi there!" the horse said in a
|
||
deep, drawling voice.
|
||
Sterno started. "A talking horse!"
|
||
The horse started. "A talking dog!"
|
||
Ernie sighed. "A talking horse, right. I guess I might have
|
||
expected something like that. What next?" There was a time when all
|
||
of this would have seemed very unusual to him, perhaps even
|
||
startling. Now, however, it was getting kind of routine.
|
||
The horse regained its composure. "Say, have any of you guys
|
||
seen my friend Wilbur around here?"
|
||
The Fly regarded the horse carefully. "You know, this horse
|
||
looks very familiar. That voice sounds familiar, too."
|
||
The horse tossed his mane. "Oh, maybe you've seen my TV show.
|
||
My name is Mr. Ed!"
|
||
"Sure!" cried the Fly gleefully. "I used to love that show!"
|
||
He began to sing. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course..."
|
||
"Will you please stop singing that stupid song?" snapped
|
||
Sterno irritatedly. "I've always hated that song!"
|
||
"You don't like the theme song?" asked Mr. Ed incredulously.
|
||
"But everybody likes the theme song! It's one of the most popular
|
||
parts of the show!"
|
||
"Well, I don't!" Sterno barked.
|
||
Mr. Ed pawed the ground. "Well, I guess that's all you can
|
||
expect from a talking dog!"
|
||
Sterno glared. "Where I come from, we grind up animals like
|
||
you and feed them to our pet humans!"
|
||
Mr. Ed whinnied. "Let's not get personal, now!"
|
||
"Hmmph!" Sterno fell silent.
|
||
"Well..." said the Fly hesitantly. "I liked the theme song!"
|
||
"Thank you," said Mr. Ed. "I'm glad somebody here has some
|
||
taste."
|
||
"Gee, it's really neat to actually meet Mr. Ed," the Fly
|
||
enthused. "You know, I always thought your voice was, like, a
|
||
special effect or something."
|
||
"A what?" asked the horse.
|
||
"You know, like dubbed or something," the Fly explained. "I
|
||
mean, I thought you weren't really talking."
|
||
"Why would you think a thing like that?" Mr. Ed wondered.
|
||
A thought occurred to Ernie. "Say, Mr. Ed," he said to the
|
||
horse. "What are you doing in ancient Rome, anyway?"
|
||
Mr. Ed tossed his mane. "You know," he said thoughtfully. "I
|
||
was just asking myself that very question!"
|
||
Ernie narrowed his eyes suspiciously. That didn't seem to be
|
||
a very satisfactory answer to him.
|
||
"Let's go inside, shall we?" suggested Sterno. "The smoke from
|
||
that burning village is bothering my sinuses."
|
||
"Good idea!" said Mr. Ed, and led the way.
|
||
They crossed the Roman-style marble porch, walked through an
|
||
open atrium with a gurgling fountain in the middle of it, and came
|
||
to a huge oak door covered with iron studs. Inside, was a 1950's
|
||
style suburban living room, complete with blond furniture and a
|
||
free-form coffee table.
|
||
Ernie frowned. "You know, somehow this looks out of place to
|
||
me."
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Now THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD database
|
||
is all screwed up, too. Somebody's teacher's gonna be really mad
|
||
about this!"
|
||
Ernie continued to frown. "You notice that we come across an
|
||
awful lot of fifties-type stuff? How come we don't get forties
|
||
stuff, or seventies stuff? How come it's always fifties stuff?"
|
||
Captain Memory sighed, and dropped heavily into the green
|
||
fifties-style sofa. "Oh, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for
|
||
it. I just can't think of it at the moment."
|
||
Mr. Ed pawed the ground nervously. "Say, you're not suspicious
|
||
or anything, are you? There's nothing to be suspicious of!
|
||
Everything's perfectly safe!" Somehow, this reassurance failed to
|
||
make Ernie feel any better.
|
||
Mr. Ed pointed his muzzle towards a large, floor model,
|
||
fifties-style television set. "Say, you wanna watch some TV?"
|
||
"NO!" Ernie was not ready to cope with any more TV.
|
||
Mr. Ed seemed taken aback. "You don't have to shout," he said
|
||
in a hurt tone, clopping off to the other side of the room.
|
||
"Aww, now you hurt his feelings!" said the Fly accusingly. He
|
||
set off to try to console Mr. Ed.
|
||
Captain Memory was pulling some objects out of hidden pockets
|
||
in his costume. "Ah, here it is!" he said, producing his favorite
|
||
item, the TV Guide.
|
||
Ernie felt his stomach grumbling. He was getting really
|
||
hungry by now. He hadn't gotten anything to eat back at the
|
||
gingerbread cottage, when the others were stuffing their faces. He
|
||
was beginning to really regret that now. He noticed an open door at
|
||
the other end of the living room, and decided to go and investigate
|
||
it.
|
||
Through the door was a typical suburban kitchen. His eyes
|
||
immediately fixed on one object: the refrigerator. He threw it open
|
||
excitedly. Unfortunately, it was empty, except for a box of baking
|
||
soda. Maybe there would be something in the freezer? Ernie opened
|
||
the freezer door, and started back in horror. There, frozen into
|
||
immobility, was the most hideous, disgusting, totally alien
|
||
monstrosity that Ernie had ever seen. One of it's tentacles, or
|
||
pseudopods, or whatever they were, was frozen into the ice cube
|
||
tray. Another seemed to be reaching for a box of popsicles. Ernie's
|
||
stomach turned over, and he slammed the freezer door in disgust.
|
||
Ernie ran back into the living room. "There's the most awful
|
||
thing in the freezer!" he exclaimed excitedly.
|
||
"Oh yeah?" Captain Memory wasn't actually paying attention.
|
||
"Yeah!" Ernie went on agitatedly. "It's some kind of weird,
|
||
alien thing, and it's frozen into the ice cube tray!"
|
||
"Oh, yes," Sterno commented calmly. "Aliens in the ice cube
|
||
trays. We get them all the time. Rather a nuisance. Unsanitary,
|
||
don't you know."
|
||
"What?!"
|
||
"Must you always shout?" Sterno said reprovingly. "I have very
|
||
delicate hearing, you know."
|
||
"Oh, um, sorry," Ernie was embarrassed. Apparently no-one
|
||
seemed to consider the alien very important.
|
||
Sterno thought a moment. "Were there, by any chance, some
|
||
popsicles in that refrigerator?"
|
||
Ernie was surprised. "Uh, yeah, there were. How did you know
|
||
that?"
|
||
"Oh, yes," Sterno continued. "They're always found with
|
||
popsicles, you know. That's why they come to Earth, we believe. To
|
||
steal popsicles. But then, they accidentally step into the ice cube
|
||
tray in the "Quick Chill" section, and get frozen stiff."
|
||
"Wasn't that a movie?" the Fly chimed in, momentarily breaking
|
||
off his conversation with Mr. Ed.
|
||
The word "movie" caught Captain Memory's attention. "Oh yeah?"
|
||
"Sure," the Fly went on enthusiastically. "I remember that
|
||
now. `THE THING'! It was a '50's science fiction movie about this
|
||
alien frozen into the ice at the North Pole."
|
||
"Great movie!" Captain Memory agreed. "With James Arness as
|
||
the Thing!"
|
||
"I thought James Arness was Marshall Matt Dillon on
|
||
`Gunsmoke'," said the Fly, puzzled.
|
||
"Mmm hmm," Captain Memory agreed. "But he was also the alien."
|
||
"Imagine that!" the Fly shook his head wonderingly. "Marshall
|
||
Matt Dillon was an alien! No wonder he was so quick on the draw!"
|
||
Ernie fidgeted anxiously. "So, what should I do about it?"
|
||
"About what?" Sterno asked, only half paying attention.
|
||
"The ALIEN!" Ernie cried.
|
||
"Please!" winced Sterno, putting his paws over his ears.
|
||
"Oh. Sorry." Ernie lowered his voice.
|
||
"That's better," Sterno lowered his paws. "Just don't thaw it
|
||
out."
|
||
"Leave it?"
|
||
"DON'T thaw it out!" Sterno repeated emphatically.
|
||
Ernie considered this. "Why would aliens steal popsicles?" he
|
||
wondered.
|
||
"Because they haven't any money, I suppose," Sterno mused.
|
||
"They can't buy them if they haven't any money, now can they? I
|
||
suppose they'll just have to steal them, then!"
|
||
"Uh..." Ernie felt unsatisfied by this line of reasoning.
|
||
"They can't very well just go out and get jobs, now can they?"
|
||
Sterno continued. "After all, who'd hire an alien? McDonalds? Would
|
||
you really want to buy a hamburger from an alien?"
|
||
Ernie thought about the frozen alien, and his stomach flipped
|
||
over again. "Um, no..."
|
||
"Well, that proves it, then!" Sterno leaned back triumphantly.
|
||
Ernie sighed, and sat down on the sofa. The others all seemed
|
||
absorbed in their own pursuits. Ernie fidgeted uncomfortably. His
|
||
stomach growled. He was beginning to get ravenously hungry. He
|
||
looked at the kitchen door. Maybe he could try the kitchen one more
|
||
time.
|
||
The kitchen looked a lot like something out of a 1950's
|
||
`Better Homes & Gardens' magazine. It was painted in cheerful
|
||
colors, with cast-iron trivets hanging on the walls as decorations.
|
||
Ernie would have found it quite homey, if he hadn't known that
|
||
there was a Thing in the freezer. Avoiding the refrigerator, he
|
||
walked over to a row of cabinets and began rummaging through them.
|
||
The contents of the cabinets turned out to be disappointing.
|
||
There were none of Ernie's favorite foods. He looked through the
|
||
containers. `Hearts of Toad'? No. `Poisonberry Yogurt?' I don't
|
||
think so. What's this? Ernie grabbed a box of what appeared to be
|
||
peanut brittle. `Great!' he thought. `I love peanut brittle!' He
|
||
was just about to tear into it, when he noticed the label:
|
||
`Cockroach Crunch'. He put it back gingerly. He decided that
|
||
perhaps he wasn't all that hungry after all.
|
||
Ernie was just about to give up and go back into the living
|
||
room, when he noticed a familiar-looking object on the counter
|
||
nearby. He looked at it more closely. It seemed to be an old
|
||
1950's-style coffee maker. It seemed to Ernie that he could sure
|
||
use a cup of coffee right now. He examined it more closely. `Hey!
|
||
This is Bakelite! Genuine Bakelite! This must be one of the first
|
||
coffee makers ever made! What a treasure! Plastic collectors would
|
||
pay a fortune for this!' He picked it up and carried it into the
|
||
living room.
|
||
"Hey, guys!" Ernie announced. "Look what I found!"
|
||
Captain Memory started as he saw what Ernie was carrying.
|
||
"Wow! Where'd you get that?"
|
||
Ernie was excited. "It was just sitting on the counter in the
|
||
kitchen!"
|
||
"Do you know what that is?" Captain Memory enthused. "That's
|
||
a Psion Megaforce Generator! I wonder what it's doing on this
|
||
planet?"
|
||
Ernie's heart sank. "Does this mean I'm not going to get a cup
|
||
of coffee?"
|
||
Captain Memory continued to enthuse. "Wow! A Psion Megaforce
|
||
Generator! Right here! Right in our own living room!"
|
||
Sterno, who, up to this point had not been paying any
|
||
attention, looked up irritatedly. "What? What kind of nonsense are
|
||
you going on about now?"
|
||
"It's a Psion Megaforce Generator! I can't believe it!" The
|
||
Captain seemed really enraptured by it.
|
||
"I just can't tell you how thrilled I am about that," Sterno
|
||
yawned. "Or rather, I could, but I'd rather not be impolite. So,
|
||
instead, why don't you just tell us what this thing is supposed to
|
||
be?"
|
||
"It's a Psion Megaforce Generator!" The Captain was, indeed,
|
||
very excited.
|
||
Sterno sighed. "Okay. We understand that. Now, why don't you
|
||
just calm down, and tell us what it's supposed to do."
|
||
Captain Memory seemed taken aback. "Do?"
|
||
Sterno spoke each word slowly and carefully, as though talking
|
||
to a small child. "What is it supposed to do?"
|
||
Captain Memory shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmm, lemme think. Uh,
|
||
I used to know that. I used to know all that stuff..."
|
||
Sterno repeated himself, speaking even more slowly and
|
||
carefully, as though to someone who did not speak English very
|
||
well. "What is it supposed to do?"
|
||
Ernie examined the device. He turned to Captain Memory. "Are
|
||
you sure this thing is really a Psion Megaforce Generator?"
|
||
"Oh, absolutely!" The Captain looked very relieved that
|
||
someone had broken the awkward silence.
|
||
"Then how come it says `Mr. Coffee' on it?"
|
||
"It's a `Mr. Coffee' brand Psion Megaforce Generator. What's
|
||
wrong with that?" the Captain wanted to know.
|
||
Ernie was becoming more and more skeptical. "So, how come it
|
||
says `makes 1-4 cups. Drip grind only'?"
|
||
"Well, uh, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for that,"
|
||
Captain Memory said evasively. "I just can't quite think of it at
|
||
the moment."
|
||
Ernie narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Are you sure this isn't
|
||
a coffee maker?"
|
||
"Uh..." Captain Memory stopped. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.
|
||
"I've got it! NOW I remember! Of course, why didn't I think of it?
|
||
Now I remember what a Psion Megaforce Generator is supposed to do!"
|
||
Sterno was not impressed. "Okay. What?"
|
||
"It makes coffee!" Captain Memory cried out triumphantly.
|
||
Ernie set the coffee maker on the table and sat down on the
|
||
sofa, rubbing his head wearily. Why did everything always have to
|
||
be so complicated?
|
||
Captain Memory looked around at everyone, obviously
|
||
disappointed. Sterno was pointedly looking in another direction.
|
||
The Fly was talking to Mr. Ed. Ernie was wearily cradling his head
|
||
in his hands. No-one seemed to be greeting the Captain's
|
||
announcement with much enthusiasm.
|
||
"Of course, I could be wrong," The Captain said tentatively.
|
||
No-one answered.
|
||
Ernie began examining the coffee maker. He wasn't quite sure
|
||
how to work an old model like this. He turned it over. There seemed
|
||
to be some directions on the bottom, but the were all covered with
|
||
coffee stains, and were practically impossible to read. He would
|
||
probably just have to figure it out himself.
|
||
"Wait a minute!" The Captain said urgently.
|
||
Ernie looked up. "Now what?"
|
||
"It just occurred to me that, uh," Captain Memory looked
|
||
embarrassed. "Maybe the Psion Megaforce Generator doesn't make
|
||
coffee after all."
|
||
"So what does it do instead? Make tea?"
|
||
"Um, no." The Captain looked uncomfortable. "I think it, uh,
|
||
destroys planets."
|
||
Ernie gave the Captain a disgusted look.
|
||
"There, uh, isn't any place to put peanut butter in that
|
||
thing, is there?" the Captain asked intensely.
|
||
Ernie examined it. "No."
|
||
"Nothing about peanut butter? No little door, or compartment
|
||
or anything?"
|
||
Ernie looked it over. "Nope."
|
||
The Captain seemed relieved. "Okay, okay. Forget that. Forget
|
||
I said anything about peanut butter. I'm absolutely sure that it,
|
||
uh, destroys planets. Or makes coffee. It for sure either destroys
|
||
planets or makes coffee!" Captain Memory beamed, pleased with
|
||
himself for having solved this difficult problem.
|
||
Ernie examined the machine more closely. There was a lever on
|
||
the top which was labelled `Mild' on one side, and `Full' on the
|
||
other. He also found a two-position switch on the side. There were
|
||
little words printed next to each position. Unfortunately, the ink
|
||
had rubbed off of them, and they were very difficult to read. Ernie
|
||
peered closely. He wasn't sure, but the positions seemed to be
|
||
labelled "Brew" and "Destroy." Ernie sighed. He was rapidly losing
|
||
interest in the entire subject. Idly, he flipped the switch.
|
||
Instantly, the earth rumbled, the building shook. Ernie
|
||
hastily flipped the switch back again.
|
||
Sterno turned to Ernie irritatedly. "Who did that? Did you do
|
||
that?"
|
||
"Uh, yeah, I..."
|
||
"Well, you could at least excuse yourself!" Sterno snapped.
|
||
"Oh. Sorry." Somehow, Ernie always seemed to wind up feeling
|
||
that he was at fault.
|
||
Captain Memory was beaming. "Well, that settles that, doesn't
|
||
it? It destroys planets! I was right all along! Of course I was!"
|
||
Ernie regarded the device ruefully. He noticed a small, faded
|
||
tag on the side which read "WARNING: Follow instructions carefully.
|
||
The manufacturer assumes no responsibility for damage to planets
|
||
due to failure to follow said instructions. Such failure will also
|
||
void your warranty." Ernie sighed. "There goes my cup of coffee."
|
||
Captain Memory returned to consulting his TV Guide. An object
|
||
on the coffee table caught Ernie's attention. It was a small
|
||
rectangular object wrapped in paper. He picked it up. It seemed to
|
||
be a candy bar. Ernie's stomach started grumbling again. He was
|
||
feeling very sorry for himself at the moment. He hadn't had
|
||
anything to eat for a very long time. How come everybody else got
|
||
to eat, but not him? He couldn't even get a cup of coffee! He
|
||
unwrapped the object. It looked like a candy bar. It smelled like
|
||
a candy bar. A wave of guilt suddenly came over him. He probably
|
||
shouldn't eat it. It probably belonged to Captain Memory. But then,
|
||
on the other hand, maybe it had been on the coffee table all along,
|
||
and he just hadn't noticed it. Ernie brightened. In any case, that
|
||
sounded like a good excuse to him. He took a bite. Quite tasty,
|
||
although it did have an odd crunch. He ate the rest of the bar, and
|
||
tossed the wrapper under the sofa.
|
||
Ernie was beginning to feel somewhat better. Suddenly, the
|
||
telephone rang. Ernie looked at Captain Memory. Captain Memory
|
||
looked at Ernie. "Well?" the Captain demanded.
|
||
"Uh, the telephone's ringing," said Ernie uncomfortably.
|
||
"Are you going to answer it?" the Captain wanted to know.
|
||
"Um, you want me to answer it?"
|
||
"Well, it's on your side!" It was, indeed, sitting on an end
|
||
table right next to Ernie.
|
||
"I thought they didn't have telephones in ancient Rome," said
|
||
Ernie uneasily.
|
||
"For god's sake, answer the telephone already!" cried Sterno.
|
||
"That ringing is driving me crazy!"
|
||
Ernie picked up the phone. "Yo!" cried the voice on the other
|
||
end. "Ernie Ross, right?"
|
||
"Uh, yeah," answered Ernie uneasily. He wasn't expecting to
|
||
get any calls in ancient Rome.
|
||
"Dis is Vito. We got a little matter to discuss about
|
||
a...uh...$195,412,771,213,312,032.29, PLUS INTEREST, you know what
|
||
I mean? We're gonna get dis money, you know what I mean? So, uh,
|
||
are you gonna make it easy on yourself and give it to us now, or
|
||
are we gonna have to get it outta you, like, da hard way?"
|
||
"Well, look, I got this problem..."Ernie began desperately.
|
||
"You tink you gotta problem now," Vito interrupted. "It ain't
|
||
nothin' compared to the problem you gonna have if you don't pay
|
||
up!"
|
||
"Well..."Ernie tried again.
|
||
"Look!" Vito broke in. "I'm comin to get da money, punk, and
|
||
you better have it, OR ELSE!" He hung up.
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "Maybe we should go someplace
|
||
else," he suggested.
|
||
"Okay," said the Captain agreeably. "Where?"
|
||
Ernie concentrated. "I know!" he said brightly. "How about we
|
||
go to the Middle East and look for the Dead Sea Phonograph
|
||
Records?"
|
||
Sterno moaned. "Not THAT again!"
|
||
The Captain looked doubtful. "It's kind of a long walk!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Can't you just transport us there?"
|
||
"Well, you know, I don't really like to do that too often,"
|
||
answered the Captain. "There's always a certain amount of risk.
|
||
With these locations changing all the time, there's always a chance
|
||
of a FATAL ERROR creeping in, and..."
|
||
"Okay, okay," said Ernie quickly. "Forget I said it, okay?"
|
||
"Have it your way", said the Captain agreeably.
|
||
Ernie sighed. All of this was just too much for him. "If only
|
||
we had some kind of vehicle or something. A spaceship, or even a
|
||
car!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked thoughtful. "Oh, you want a spaceship?"
|
||
"You have a SPACESHIP?" Ernie cried.
|
||
"Well, it's just a little something I take out on the
|
||
weekends," the Captain explained modestly. "It's no big deal. I
|
||
mean, it doesn't have a kitchen, or a porta-john or anything. It's
|
||
just for short hops, like around the solar system or something.
|
||
It's called the Luna C."
|
||
"Lunacy?" Sterno inquired.
|
||
"Oh, no," Captain Memory laughed. The Luna C."
|
||
"Why C?" Ernie was curious.
|
||
"Well, you know, after the Luna A and the Luna B, there's the
|
||
Luna C!" Captain Memory explained.
|
||
"So, what happened to the Luna A and the Luna B?" Sterno
|
||
wanted to know.
|
||
Captain Memory suddenly became very quiet. After a few
|
||
moments, he muttered "Well...well...it wasn't my fault!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. "What wasn't?"
|
||
"It was a stupid place to put a planet anyway!" Captain Memory
|
||
went on, suddenly indignant. "I mean, how was I supposed to know
|
||
there was a planet in that sector! Nobody would've expected a
|
||
planet to be in that sector!"
|
||
"A planet?" Ernie asked incredulously.
|
||
"Well, okay, okay," Captain Memory continued defensively.
|
||
"Maybe I was a little way out of the spacelane. It could happen to
|
||
anybody! A couple of light-years this way or that..."
|
||
"A couple of light years?" Sterno inquired.
|
||
"Okay, okay," Captain Memory seemed very ill-at-ease. "So
|
||
maybe I had a couple of drinks. Big deal! I mean, I was at a party,
|
||
right? What do you want me to do, just stand around all night?
|
||
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been doing Warp 9 in a Warp 3 zone.
|
||
So I made a little mistake. Big deal! I mean, what am I supposed to
|
||
do, pay for this the rest of my life, or what?"
|
||
"Let me get this straight," Sterno said. "You hit a planet at
|
||
Warp 9?"
|
||
"It was a stupid place to put a planet," Captain Memory
|
||
repeated petulantly. "It should've had a guard rail, or something."
|
||
"So what happened?" Ernie asked incredulously.
|
||
"Oh," Captain Memory looked at the ground. "I hadda pay for
|
||
it."
|
||
"You had to pay for a PLANET?"
|
||
"Well, I had insurance..." the Captain said brightly. "Um,
|
||
that is, I had insurance..." He trailed off.
|
||
Sterno caught the drift. "You don't have insurance any more?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked very uncomfortable. "Well, my premiums
|
||
kind of went up..."
|
||
Sterno thought for a moment. "You said there was a Luna A and
|
||
a Luna B. That accounts for one of them. What happened to the other
|
||
one?"
|
||
Captain Memory fidgeted. "Can't we talk about something else?"
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "So, are you going to be flying
|
||
this spaceship?"
|
||
"Well, uh, no..." the Captain began.
|
||
"Thank Heavens!" Sterno broke in.
|
||
"I would, I mean, I could," Captain Memory continued. "Just as
|
||
soon as I get my license back..."
|
||
Sterno sighed. "So, what are we supposed to do, wait?"
|
||
"No, no," the Captain said reassuringly. "They gave me a
|
||
pilot."
|
||
Sterno breathed a sigh of relief.
|
||
"So, where is this spaceship?" Ernie asked excitedly. He was
|
||
really looking forward to the prospect of seeing a real live
|
||
spaceship.
|
||
"I left it parked up in orbit," the Captain explained. "Want
|
||
me to call it down?"
|
||
"SURE!"
|
||
"Okay." The Captain began looking around. "Where's my remote
|
||
control? I had it here a minute ago!"
|
||
Ernie began looking around as well. "What does it look like?"
|
||
"Oh, it's about so," Captain Memory motioned with his hands to
|
||
indicated a rectangle about six inches long. "It's wrapped in white
|
||
paper."
|
||
Ernie began to feel uneasy. "What color was it? Under the
|
||
paper, that is?"
|
||
The Captain was still looking around. "It's brown, and kind of
|
||
soft." The Captain looked under the sofa. "That's funny. Here's the
|
||
paper from it, but it's all crumpled up! And the remote is gone!"
|
||
Ernie began to get a real bad feeling in the pit of his
|
||
stomach. "Um, was it, by any chance, uh, chocolate?"
|
||
"Well, sure! After all, it was either that or strawberry!" The
|
||
Captain laughed. "I couldn't very well have a strawberry remote,
|
||
could I?"
|
||
Ernie moaned quietly. "Uh, I think I know what happened to
|
||
it."
|
||
Sterno looked at Ernie, aghast. "You DIDN'T!"
|
||
Ernie nodded sadly.
|
||
Sterno turned to Captain Memory. "He ATE it!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked at Ernie incredulously. "How could you
|
||
EAT a remote control unit?"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie was embarrassed. "Actually, it was pretty
|
||
good!" Suddenly, a disturbing thought occurred to him. "Say, it's
|
||
not poison or anything, is it?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked thoughtful. "I don't know, nobody's ever
|
||
eaten one before." He thought a moment. "I guess we'll find out,
|
||
won't we?"
|
||
Ernie moaned quietly. "Well...well...If they're gonna make a
|
||
remote control unit that looks like a candy bar, they ought to put
|
||
a warning on it or something!"
|
||
"They did," Captain Memory answered.
|
||
"I didn't see any warning!" cried Ernie indignantly. "All I
|
||
saw was a piece of blank white paper!"
|
||
"That's the warning," the Captain explained. "It means `Don't
|
||
Eat this Remote Control Unit' in Franglian."
|
||
"Franglian?"
|
||
"You know, like they speak on the planet Franglia?" Captain
|
||
Memory acted as though this were perfectly obvious to everyone.
|
||
"But nobody on Earth speaks Franglian!" Ernie protested.
|
||
Captain Memory considered this. "Well, then I guess it's not
|
||
much good, is it?" He pulled out his TV Guide. "Hey, you wanna
|
||
watch some TV?"
|
||
Ernie's stomach was beginning to feel very bad indeed.
|
||
Actually, watching TV was about the last thing he wanted to do, but
|
||
considering the looks everyone was giving him at the moment, he
|
||
thought perhaps he had just better keep his mouth shut.
|
||
The Fly and Mr. Ed returned from the other side of the room.
|
||
Mr. Ed seemed to have cheered up considerably. "Hey, what's on TV?"
|
||
the Fly asked Captain Memory.
|
||
"Let me see," the Captain leafed through the pages. "Wanna
|
||
watch a movie? How about `Beach Blanket Chainsaw Massacre'? `Irate
|
||
viewers get sick of aging beach stars and cut them up with power
|
||
tools', with Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Lucille Ball, and
|
||
Desi Arnaz."
|
||
"Maybe," said the Fly thoughtfully. "What else is on?"
|
||
"You like horror movies?" said the Captain. "How about
|
||
`Goldfish from Hell'? `Suburban family discovers their pet is
|
||
possessed by evil spirits', with Flipper, Lucille Ball, and Desi
|
||
Arnaz.
|
||
"Nah," said the Fly. "I don't like horror movies."
|
||
"How about `Gidget Goes Berserk'? `Gidget gets a chainsaw for
|
||
Christmas and..."
|
||
"Oh no," Sterno broke in. "I simply cannot tolerate Gidget
|
||
movies!"
|
||
"How about `Kung-Fu Tigers Go Hawaiian', with Bruce Lee,
|
||
Lucille Ball, and Desi Arnaz?"
|
||
Ernie noticed something odd about the TV listings. "Say,
|
||
doesn't it seem a little strange that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
|
||
are in all these different movies?"
|
||
"No, I don't think it's strange at all," drawled Mr. Ed. "Do
|
||
you?"
|
||
Sterno glared at Ernie. "After all YOU'VE done, I should think
|
||
you'd be content to sit quietly and mind your own business!"
|
||
"Hey, you'll like this!" Captain Memory said to the Fly.
|
||
"Wanna watch the `Miss Galaxy Pageant'?"
|
||
"Sure thing!" the Fly enthused. "Turn it on!"
|
||
"Okay, I'll get up and turn it on. I'll have to get up
|
||
because," The Captain glared at Ernie. "I don't have a remote!"
|
||
Ernie shrank into his seat.
|
||
The Captain turned on the television. "...and here's our
|
||
celebrity judges, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz!" The camera panned
|
||
in to the two celebrities.
|
||
`That's odd,' thought Ernie. `They don't look the way I
|
||
remember them. I don't recall them having such pointy teeth. Oh
|
||
well, it's probably just the lighting, or something.'
|
||
"Now, our first contestant..." The girls began parading by.
|
||
Ernie noticed that the girls in this pageant didn't look quite like
|
||
the one's he was used to seeing. For one thing, they were all a lot
|
||
plumper than the beauty queens at home. None of them seemed to have
|
||
much personality, either. They all looked sort of bovine.
|
||
"Isn't she a delicious young lady," the announcer was saying.
|
||
"Look at those scrumptious legs, those mouth-watering shoulders,
|
||
those tender, juicy thighs!"
|
||
"Gee, these girls aren't very cute!" said the Fly,
|
||
disappointed. "Not like at home!"
|
||
"They look positively delicious to me!" commented Mr. Ed.
|
||
Ernie looked at Mr. Ed suspiciously. That seemed to him to be
|
||
a very strange comment to be coming from a horse. But then, come to
|
||
think of it, any comment was strange coming from a horse.
|
||
"You wanna watch something else?" Captain Memory asked the
|
||
Fly.
|
||
"No, no, that's okay," said the Fly quickly. "I'm sure they'll
|
||
get better!"
|
||
The pageant continued. "...our next mouth-watering
|
||
contestant..." The camera cut to the celebrity judges. They seemed
|
||
to be drooling slightly. A little forked tongue seemed to dart in
|
||
and out of their mouths. Or maybe it was just a trick of the light.
|
||
Ernie felt uneasy. Beauty pageants at home weren't like this. He
|
||
decided to try not to look at it. He regarded the horse instead.
|
||
There was definitely something peculiar about that horse,
|
||
Ernie decided. It seemed to be somewhat lumpy and misshapen. There
|
||
seemed to be a line going around its middle, almost like a seam.
|
||
Why would a horse have a seam?
|
||
"...the new Miss Galaxy!" The shouts and applause drew Ernie's
|
||
attention back to the television, where the winning contestant was
|
||
being crowned. "And now.." The celebrity judges leaned forward
|
||
expectantly. Their broad grins revealed rows of needle-sharp teeth.
|
||
Their forked tongues flicked in and out of their mouths in
|
||
anticipation. "...it's CARVING TIME!" The announcer whipped out a
|
||
whirring chainsaw and advanced on the hapless Miss Galaxy, who
|
||
struggled feebly while the two runner-ups held her in place.
|
||
"Oh man!" the Fly complained. "I told you, I don't like horror
|
||
movies! They give me the creeps! Let's watch something else!" He
|
||
changed the channel.
|
||
A commercial was on the new station. A man was sitting behind
|
||
a desk, looking deadpan directly at the camera. The phone on the
|
||
desk began to ring. "Does your heart sink when the telephone
|
||
rings," the man said. "Because of bill collectors constantly
|
||
threatening you about unpaid debts?"
|
||
`Hmm,' Ernie thought. `As a matter of fact, it does."
|
||
"Why not call Acme Debt Counseling Service?" the commercial
|
||
continued. "We've helped millions avoid the nightmare of bad debts.
|
||
We'll set up a payment plan you can afford, and get those bill
|
||
collectors off your back once and for all. Call today!"
|
||
`That's an idea,' Ernie thought. `I don't know if it'll work,
|
||
but it's worth a try. Maybe they can keep Vito away long enough for
|
||
us to get out of here, at least!' He picked up the phone and dialed
|
||
the number that was displayed at the bottom of the screen.
|
||
"Acme Debt Counseling Service," a woman's voice answered.
|
||
"Yeah, I just..." Ernie began.
|
||
"Ah, Mr. Ross!" A man's voice cut in. "We've been expecting
|
||
you! I have your file right here in front of me!"
|
||
"Oh." Ernie was taken aback. How could they have known he was
|
||
going to call?
|
||
"You'll be pleased to know that we've worked out a very
|
||
convenient payment plan to take care of this matter," the man
|
||
continued. "The collection agency has agreed to accept the payment
|
||
plan, and has agreed to call off Vito, who was on his way
|
||
to...well, we'd rather not say what Vito was going to do. But
|
||
anyway, you don't need to worry about that now. Everything is all
|
||
taken care of!" Ernie heaved a sigh of relief. This collection
|
||
agency business was really beginning to bother him. They seemed to
|
||
be able to find him, no matter where in time or space he was. He
|
||
was really glad that he wasn't going to have to worry about it any
|
||
more.
|
||
"We've broken this down into small, easy-to-afford weekly
|
||
payments," the man on the phone continued. "Now, if you'll just
|
||
send in the first week's payment - in cash, of course," the man
|
||
laughed. "You can't expect us to accept a check from someone with
|
||
YOUR credit history - we'll get the ball rolling on this!"
|
||
"Um, how much is the payment?" Ernie asked hesitantly.
|
||
"Only $412,865,945.43 a week!" the main exclaimed glowingly.
|
||
"Hey, don't thank us, it's our job!"
|
||
"Uh..um..ahem," Ernie cleared his throat nervously.
|
||
The man on the phone stopped. There was an awkward silence.
|
||
"You're NOT going to tell us you don't have $412,865,945.43, are
|
||
you?"
|
||
"Uh, well..."Ernie began. "Um, I don't exactly have that much
|
||
on me, right now, that is. If you could give me a little time...a
|
||
couple of years, maybe...?"
|
||
The man on the phone sighed. "Oh, that IS unfortunate! Well,
|
||
there may still be something we can do. I'll have to talk to my
|
||
supervisor about this. Please hold!" The man's voice disappeared,
|
||
and tinny Muzak came over the receiver in it's place.
|
||
Ernie sighed. Well, he hadn't really thought that was going to
|
||
work anyway. Still, maybe they could come up with something yet. He
|
||
waited, listening to low-fidelity versions of 1950's pop hits
|
||
played by the Million and One Strings. Ernie sighed again. He hated
|
||
being left on hold.
|
||
After what seemed a very long time the man's voice reappeared.
|
||
"Good news!" he exclaimed cheerfully. "My supervisor said we may
|
||
still be able to work something out!"
|
||
Ernie breathed a sigh of relief. "Great!"
|
||
The man continued. "My supervisor says that if you don't have
|
||
the cash right now, we might be able to accept something else of
|
||
value instead."
|
||
"Like what?" Ernie couldn't imagine what he might have with
|
||
him that would be worth $412,865,945.43.
|
||
"Oh, I don't know. Just some little thing," the man said
|
||
evasively. "Like, maybe...your brain."
|
||
"MY BRAIN!" Ernie shrieked.
|
||
"Now, now, don't get excited," the man said soothingly. "After
|
||
all, what's one little brain among friends? You'll never miss it!"
|
||
"FORGET IT!" Ernie slammed down the phone.
|
||
Mr. Ed shook his head sadly. "I think you should have taken
|
||
that deal," he advised.
|
||
"Forget it! I'm not going to give them my brain!" He glared at
|
||
the horse. "What business is it of yours, anyway?"
|
||
"Hey!" The Fly interceded. "Don't pick on Mr. Ed!" He stroked
|
||
the horse. "Nice horsey!"
|
||
"Why not give them your brain?" Sterno suggested. "You never
|
||
use it!"
|
||
Ernie glared. "Leave me alone!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the TV. Black-and-white images of Lucille
|
||
Ball and Desi Arnaz were on the screen. Lucy seemed to be upset
|
||
about something. "What are we watching, anyway? More `I Love Lucy'
|
||
reruns?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked at the TV Guide. "That's funny. This is
|
||
supposed to be a movie called `Nazi Cheerleaders from Planet X'."
|
||
Ernie looked at the TV. "Oh yeah? Who's in it?"
|
||
Captain Memory consulted the TV Guide. "Let me see, uh...
|
||
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "I dunno. It looks an awful lot like `I Love
|
||
Lucy' to me." Ernie thought a moment. "Doesn't it strike you as
|
||
just a little bit odd that absolutely EVERYTHING on TV right now
|
||
has Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz in it?"
|
||
"No, I don't think that's odd at all," said Mr. Ed in his
|
||
typical, low-voiced drawl. "Why shouldn't Lucille Ball and Desi
|
||
Arnaz be in everything? They're probably the two greatest
|
||
performers who ever lived!"
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie didn't know how to answer that.
|
||
"In fact," Mr. Ed went on rapturously. "I'd say that they are
|
||
definitely the finest performers that show business has ever
|
||
produced, the greatest that ever COULD be produced, in fact, in all
|
||
of time and space, no-one, anywhere in the universe, could possibly
|
||
even approach the greatness of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz!"
|
||
"Oh, come off it!" snapped Sterno irritatedly. "They're just
|
||
a couple of second-rate TV actors!"
|
||
"Ay, carramba!" Mr. Ed cried furiously. "What chu talkin'
|
||
about! Dey de greatest! Especialmente Desi Arnaz, de greatest Cuban
|
||
bandleader in de world!"
|
||
Ernie looked at Mr. Ed suspiciously. "Hey, what happened to
|
||
your voice? Where did you get that Cuban accent?"
|
||
Mr. Ed was flustered. "Hey man, I...uh...oh.." Something very
|
||
peculiar seemed to be happening to Mr. Ed. He seemed to be writhing
|
||
in a very un-horselike manner.
|
||
Suddenly, Mr. Ed fell in half. Both halves lay on the floor,
|
||
each writhing independently. Ernie was stunned. He stared at the
|
||
two halves of Mr. Ed, jaws open with astonishment. Suddenly, a head
|
||
covered with rolled red curls popped out of the back half of Mr.
|
||
Ed. "Oh, uh, hi guys!" It was Lucy.
|
||
Lucy turned to the front half of Mr. Ed, which was still
|
||
writhing on the floor. "Oh, Ricky! I told you to let me be the
|
||
front half of the horse! Now look what's happened!"
|
||
A voice came from the front half of Mr. Ed. "Lucy! I stuck in
|
||
dis horse suit! Help me out, okay?" The front half of Mr. Ed
|
||
thrashed wildly, filling the room with the sound of thuds and
|
||
maracas.
|
||
Lucy struggled out of her half of the horse suit, and ran over
|
||
to help Ricky. However, the more she tried to help him, the more
|
||
tangled up he got.
|
||
The Fly looked ruefully at the horse suit. "Poor Mr. Ed!"
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "Now what?"
|
||
The Captain was still reading his TV Guide. "How about `She-
|
||
Devils of Green Gables', with Shirley Temple and..." He was
|
||
interrupted by a loud pounding on the door. "Open up!"
|
||
They all looked up, startled. The pounding came again. "Open
|
||
da door, punk! I know you're in dere!"
|
||
Lucy turned to Ricky, who was still stuck in the horse suit.
|
||
"Oh, Ricky! It's Vito! Let him in, will you? Maybe he can get our
|
||
brain from that awful Ernie person!" She glared at Ernie.
|
||
Ricky struggled in the horse outfit. "You got to get me out of
|
||
here!" He cried, distressed. "I can't see nuttin' in dis suit!"
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "I think we ought to get out
|
||
of here, okay?"
|
||
The Captain continued to peruse his TV Guide. "Oh, you'll like
|
||
this one! `A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Attila the Hun'
|
||
with Zero Mostel and..."
|
||
Ernie paced anxiously. "Look, we've got to do something! All
|
||
these people are after my brain!"
|
||
Sterno shrugged. "Call the police!"
|
||
Ernie started. The police! That was worth a try. He grabbed
|
||
the phone, and dialed `911'.
|
||
Ernie fidgeted impatiently while the phone rang. He heard the
|
||
sound of the phone being taken off the hook. "You gotta help me..."
|
||
he began.
|
||
He stopped. The voice on the other end was a recording: "We're
|
||
sorry, all of our officers are busy at the moment. If you're being
|
||
murdered, please leave a clue, and one of our detectives will
|
||
contact your next-of-kin as soon as possible. Thank you, and have
|
||
a nice day!" Ernie slammed the phone down disgustedly.
|
||
Vito pounded on the door again. "Open up!" Ernie looked
|
||
apprehensively at Ricky, who was still struggling to get out of the
|
||
horse suit. "Look, I really think we ought to get out of here!
|
||
Like, NOW!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked up in annoyance. "Well, if you're going
|
||
to be that way about it...!" He got up and strode across the living
|
||
room, and through an open doorway which seemed to lead into the
|
||
kitchen.
|
||
"Hey, wait for me!" cried Ernie, chasing after him. As he ran,
|
||
he grabbed the Psion Megaforce Generator. He wasn't about to leave
|
||
a fortune in precious Bakelite behind! He continued to follow the
|
||
Captain. He didn't know where Captain Memory was going, but he
|
||
figured it would have to be an improvement.
|
||
The Captain walked through the next room, which was the
|
||
typical suburban kitchen, opened a typical suburban back door, and
|
||
stepped outside. Ernie and the others followed quickly behind him.
|
||
They found themselves once again standing in a countryside of
|
||
green rolling hills. The village in the distance seemed to have
|
||
burned itself out, and only feeble wisps of smoke were rising from
|
||
it.
|
||
"I'm awfully glad we got out of there," commented Sterno. "It
|
||
was really getting dreadfully noisy! My ears are very sensitive,
|
||
you know."
|
||
The Fly was the last of the group to leave the villa. He shook
|
||
his head sadly. "Poor Mr. Ed! It must have been a real shock to
|
||
him, falling in half like that!"
|
||
Ernie considered trying to explain the situation to him, but
|
||
decided it wasn't worth the trouble. He turned to Captain Memory.
|
||
"Now what?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked around. "Nice day, isn't it?"
|
||
Ernie tapped his feet impatiently. "I think it would be a good
|
||
idea if we went someplace else! They're going to be coming after us
|
||
any minute now!"
|
||
"Not after US," Sterno corrected. "After YOU."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Yeah. They want my brain. They don't want your
|
||
brain."
|
||
Sterno thought about this, and decided he was offended. "Well!
|
||
That just shows what those silly aliens know! If they knew anything
|
||
about brains at all, they'd realize mine is clearly superior!"
|
||
An idea occurred to Ernie. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should
|
||
tell them?"
|
||
Sterno frowned. "You know, I think we should go someplace
|
||
else. It's suddenly become awfully boring around here!"
|
||
"Nice day for a walk, don't you think?" said Captain Memory,
|
||
strolling off towards the yellow brick road. The others followed
|
||
quickly.
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 7
|
||
|
||
After a few minutes walking, the four travelers through
|
||
Cyberspace began to see an encampment of some kind in the distance.
|
||
"What do you suppose that is?" Ernie wondered.
|
||
"I dunno," commented Captain Memory. "Want to turn around and
|
||
go the other way?"
|
||
Ernie thought of Lucy, Ricky, and Vito, all of whom were
|
||
somewhere behind them. "No, let's just keep going."
|
||
"It doesn't really matter which way we go," commented Sterno.
|
||
"After all, all roads lead to Rome."
|
||
Ernie thought about that. "It seems to me that would cause a
|
||
lot of traffic problems," he said reflectively.
|
||
The Fly peered into the distance. "Somebody's coming!"
|
||
Ernie started. "Uh oh, what do we do now?" He thought a
|
||
moment. "Are they Romans or Huns?"
|
||
"How should I know!" The Fly answered.
|
||
"Well, what are they wearing?"
|
||
"Funny outfits!" The Fly shrugged. "What are they supposed to
|
||
be wearing?"
|
||
Ernie sighed. "I dunno. I sort of hoped they'd be wearing
|
||
togas, or something." The men approaching were coming into Ernie's
|
||
range of vision. They seemed to be a military patrol. They wore
|
||
armor, some kind of leggings, and carried shields, bows and spears.
|
||
"So, what are they?" the Fly wanted to know. "Romans or Huns?"
|
||
"I dunno," Ernie said. "Might as well flip a coin, I guess."
|
||
"You got a coin?"
|
||
"I left all my money in my other pants pocket," Ernie
|
||
admitted.
|
||
"So, just pick one, then," the Fly urged.
|
||
"Well, Romans then. If they're Romans, we could talk to them
|
||
in Latin. I don't know what we could do if they're Huns. What
|
||
language do they speak, Hungarian? I don't speak Hungarian."
|
||
"Do you speak Latin?" asked Sterno sarcastically.
|
||
"Well...well...I used to watch a lot of gladiator movies,"
|
||
said Ernie hopefully.
|
||
"Good enough!" said the Fly encouragingly. "You go talk to
|
||
them, then!"
|
||
"Why ME?!"
|
||
"It was your idea!" the Fly returned.
|
||
"It was NOT my idea! I never..."
|
||
"We'll just go hide in these bushes in the meantime!" The Fly
|
||
sprinted off towards a little group of bushes on the other side of
|
||
the hill, followed by Sterno and Captain Memory.
|
||
Ernie saw that the soldiers had noticed him. They were
|
||
pointing in his direction and saying something that Ernie could not
|
||
make out. Ernie decided his only course of action was to brazen it
|
||
out. He bit his lip uncertainly, and walked forward in what he
|
||
hoped would seem like a confident manner. He tried to think of
|
||
something to say in Latin. "Uh, `E Pluribus Unum'!'" he called out.
|
||
"`Gallia est divisio in partes tres!'"
|
||
They soldiers looked at him. "Hey, get a load a this!" the
|
||
first soldier said. "It's a Roman in a funny outfit!" He turned to
|
||
the soldier next to him. "Hey Frank, gimme an arrow, will ya? I
|
||
wanna shoot this guy!"
|
||
Ernie realized that he had made a serious tactical error. He
|
||
decided that the correct move at this point would be to beat a
|
||
hasty retreat. Turning abruptly, he sprinted towards the other side
|
||
of the hill, half-expecting to feel an arrow in his back at any
|
||
moment. As he ran, he could hear little bits of the soldier's
|
||
conversation drifting in his direction: "...whaddya mean, you don't
|
||
got any arrows! I told you to save some arrows! How come nobody
|
||
never does what I tell 'em?"
|
||
Ernie ran for the bunch of bushes the others were hiding in.
|
||
"What happened?" the Fly asked eagerly.
|
||
"We guessed wrong," answered Ernie glumly.
|
||
"Well, we better do something," said the Fly. "'Cause they're
|
||
coming this way!"
|
||
"I don't think they can find us in here!" said Ernie
|
||
hopefully.
|
||
"Oh, yes, they can," returned Sterno. "There's a trail of
|
||
sequins leading right to us!"
|
||
Ernie's heart sank. He knew he'd never hear the end of this.
|
||
"Oh man," said the Fly. "You better ditch that suit! It's
|
||
getting us in a lot of trouble!"
|
||
Luckily, Ernie still had his fur loincloth, sandals, and
|
||
plastic broadsword. He had been afraid to discard them, since,
|
||
after all, he had put a forty-dollar deposit on them. He quickly
|
||
changed into the Goombah the Barbarian costume, and hid the
|
||
toreador outfit under a rock.
|
||
No sooner had he finished changing then they heard a voice
|
||
coming from behind them. "Hey, what are you guys doing in those
|
||
bushes?"
|
||
The same group of soldiers Ernie had encountered on the road
|
||
was there behind them. Ernie thought fast. "Uh, we're looking for
|
||
blueberries! You guys see any blueberries around here?"
|
||
"No," answered the first soldier. "And anyway, it ain't
|
||
blueberry season, so why don't you guys come out of there, real
|
||
slow?" The soldiers held their spears in a menacing fashion.
|
||
"Sure, whatever you say," Ernie laughed nervously.
|
||
The soldiers inspected the foursome suspiciously. The first
|
||
soldier looked at Ernie. "So, what are you supposed to be?"
|
||
"Uh, I'm Goombah the Barbarian!" Ernie announced.
|
||
The first soldier guffawed. "Hey Frank, get a load a this!
|
||
This guy thinks he's a barbarian!" The other soldiers laughed
|
||
uproariously.
|
||
Ernie sulked. He didn't see what was so funny about it.
|
||
"What did he say his name was?" asked Frank. "Gumby? Gumby the
|
||
Barbarian?" The soldiers all laughed hysterically. "Lookit this -
|
||
he's got a plastic broadsword! A real tough guy!" He doubled over
|
||
with laughter.
|
||
The first soldier gradually composed himself. "Say," he said,
|
||
wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "You didn't see a Roman in
|
||
a funny suit go by here, did you? He left a trail of sequins that
|
||
led right in here!"
|
||
Ernie thought fast, again. "Uh, as a matter of fact, yeah. He
|
||
went thataway." Ernie pointed down the road.
|
||
The soldiers looked in that direction. "Aw, we might as well
|
||
forget it. We'll never get him now!" The second soldier looked at
|
||
Ernie. "So, what are we gonna do with Gumby here?" At the mention
|
||
of the name `Gumby', the soldiers all started laughing hysterically
|
||
again.
|
||
"`Gumby the Barbarian', huh?" the first soldier commented,
|
||
after he had stopped laughing to the point that he could speak
|
||
again. "Well, I'm Joe the Hun," he said, introducing himself. "This
|
||
here's Frank the Hun, and back there, that's Pete the Hun." He
|
||
looked at the foursome. "What a weird bunch! I guess we'd better
|
||
take all you guys to the boss!"
|
||
"Who's the boss?" asked Ernie.
|
||
"Attila the Hun!" answered Joe.
|
||
`That figures', Ernie thought. Ernie decided that maybe he
|
||
would go along and meet Attila the Hun, especially since he
|
||
couldn't see any alternative at the moment. The foursome headed off
|
||
down the road in the direction of the burning village, escorted by
|
||
the Hun soldiers.
|
||
After a few minutes walk they entered the encampment of the
|
||
Huns. The soldiers led them to a large tent, where they were
|
||
ushered into the presence of an imposing figure. A large, heavily
|
||
muscled man in armor sat or a golden throne, leaning on a huge
|
||
broadsword. "Attila, King of the Huns!" a soldier announced.
|
||
Attila regarded the foursome carefully. "Why have you brought
|
||
these creatures before me?" he demanded in a thunderous voice.
|
||
"Uh, well sir," said Joe the Hun timidly. "We didn't know what
|
||
else to do with them." He started to giggle. "This one," he pointed
|
||
at Ernie. "He says his name's Gumby the Barbarian!" He put his hand
|
||
over his mouth to stifle his laughter.
|
||
Attila regarded Ernie seriously. "Is that correct?" he
|
||
demanded sternly.
|
||
"Uh, actually it's `Goombah'" Ernie said timorously.
|
||
Attila erupted in thunderous laughter. "That's great! `Gumby
|
||
the Barbarian!' That's hysterical!" He turned to the soldiers. "You
|
||
guys dressed him up like this for a joke, right?"
|
||
"No, it's for real!" Joe protested. "We just found 'em like
|
||
this!"
|
||
Attila doubled over with laughter. Wiping the tears from his
|
||
eyes, he turned to the Fly. "Hey, lookit this guy's mask! It's
|
||
really weird!"
|
||
"That's not a mask!" the Fly was offended. "That's my face!"
|
||
Attila erupted into hysterical laughter again. "He says it's
|
||
his face! That cracks me up!" The laughter was contagious; all the
|
||
soldiers were doubled up with laughter, too.
|
||
"Hey, Gumby!" Attila chortled. "What are you gonna do with
|
||
that plastic broadsword? You gonna loot, pillage and rape?"
|
||
"Well, uh," Ernie stammered. "I'm, uh, not exactly sure how to
|
||
do that. Besides, uh, don't you need a license for that, or
|
||
something?"
|
||
Attila broke up again. "`License to loot'! I love it! These
|
||
guys are hysterical!"
|
||
Sterno was getting annoyed. "This IS getting a bit tedious!"
|
||
he complained.
|
||
Attila's jaw dropped. "Wow! A talking dog! What a great act!
|
||
I get it now, you guys are traveling clowns, right? You're part of
|
||
a circus, right?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked perturbed. He seemed to be sensitive
|
||
about being called a clown. "Is that an insult?"
|
||
Attila collapsed in laughter again. "`Is that an insult?', he
|
||
says, and he says it with a straight face! You guys really crack me
|
||
up!"
|
||
The foursome shifted about uncomfortably while Attila buried
|
||
his face in his arms, laughing uncontrollably. After what seemed to
|
||
be a very long time, Attila looked up, tears of laughter still
|
||
streaming down his face. "Say, you guys are just great! We've been
|
||
doing so much raping, looting, and pillaging that it's just not
|
||
that much fun anymore! What I really need these days is a good
|
||
laugh! I feel a lot better now!" He thought a moment. "I think I'll
|
||
give you guys a reward!" He turned to Ernie. "How about a bag of
|
||
gold? Would you like that?"
|
||
Ernie considered that. "Yeah, I guess that would be nice. I
|
||
owe kind of a lot of money right now, and I've been having a lot of
|
||
problem with bill collectors."
|
||
Attila chuckled. "Yeah, I had a lot of trouble with bill
|
||
collectors, too. But I solved that problem. Wanna know how?"
|
||
"Yeah!" Ernie was excited. Maybe he could use this solution
|
||
for his bill-paying problems.
|
||
Attila chuckled. "I chopped their heads off! You should have
|
||
seen their faces!" He thought a moment. "In fact, I think I still
|
||
have them around here somewhere. Wanna see 'em?"
|
||
Ernie grimaced. "No that's okay. I'm not supposed to look at
|
||
severed heads. It makes my stomach hurt."
|
||
At this, Attila collapsed into helpless laughter again. "You
|
||
guys are just a laugh a minute! Just when I think I've heard it
|
||
all, you come up with another one!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. None of this seemed very funny to him at all.
|
||
"You Huns really have a strange sense of humor."
|
||
Attila's brow furled. "We do, huh?" he said menacingly.
|
||
Sterno and the Fly turned to look at Ernie. Ernie shuffled
|
||
uncomfortably. It occurred to him that maybe he shouldn't have said
|
||
that.
|
||
A broad grin appeared across Attila's face. "That's funny! I
|
||
like it!" Ernie heaved a sigh of relief.
|
||
Suddenly, a messenger ran up to the King of the Huns. "Your
|
||
magnificence, we found these strangers lurking around the edge of
|
||
the camp!"
|
||
Ernie looked behind him. Hun soldiers were dragging forth
|
||
three struggling captives. The first was someone Ernie did not
|
||
recognize - a beefy man in an ill-fitting suit. The other two were
|
||
Lucy and Desi. "Oh, Vito!" Lucy said to the beefy man. "Make them
|
||
let us go!"
|
||
"Oh my gosh!" said Ernie involuntarily.
|
||
Attila looked at Ernie sternly. "Do you know these people?"
|
||
"Uh, sort of," Ernie admitted. "They're, uh, bill collectors!"
|
||
Attila's face lit up. "Bill collectors! My favorite! Oh, what
|
||
fun! Let's see," he paused reflectively. "Shall we boil them in
|
||
oil, or flay them alive? Maybe we could boil them until they're
|
||
tender, and then flay them? Or maybe..." He strode off to examine
|
||
his new captives, leaving Ernie and the other alone.
|
||
"Looks like you've solved the bill collector problem," Sterno
|
||
said to Ernie.
|
||
"Uh, yeah, I guess so," decided Ernie. "So, why don't we get
|
||
out of here before Attila decides to do something like that to us,
|
||
too?"
|
||
"Oh, he wouldn't do that," the Fly said. "Attila likes us!"
|
||
Ernie watched as Attila fingered Lucy's red curls. Lucy bit
|
||
him. Attila drew his sword.
|
||
Ernie decided he didn't want to watch what came next. "Just
|
||
the same, let's go, okay?"
|
||
"What's the matter?" said Sterno tauntingly. "Don't you want
|
||
to see what Attila's going to do to them?"
|
||
"Uh, I'd just as soon not, all right? Let's just go, okay?
|
||
Sterno continued to look back. "Looks like Lucy's losing her
|
||
head over Attila," he said, smirking. Ernie's stomach turned over
|
||
again. He hadn't really felt very good ever since eating that
|
||
remote control unit; he was sure he didn't want to see anything
|
||
that might make him feel worse.
|
||
Attila strode back to his throne, his huge broadsword
|
||
dripping bright red blood. "Gee, that was fun!" He sighed. "Well,
|
||
I guess I gotta get back to business. Who am I supposed to see
|
||
next?"
|
||
"Three representatives of the King of the Parthians, your
|
||
majesty," an attendant told him.
|
||
"Oh yeah? What are their names?"
|
||
"Larry, Moe, and Curly," the attendant answered.
|
||
Attila thought a moment. "Are they funny?"
|
||
"I believe so, sire."
|
||
"Well then, let's see 'em!" With that, the foursome found
|
||
themselves ushered out of the tent.
|
||
The four of them stood outside Attila's tent. "Well, now
|
||
what?" The Fly wanted to know.
|
||
"That's a good question," Captain Memory began. "Yes sir,
|
||
that..."
|
||
"Okay, okay," Ernie cut him off. He didn't want to hear that
|
||
whole thing all over again. "Let's just get out of here, okay?
|
||
Everybody keeps pointing at us and laughing!" Sure enough, as they
|
||
looked around, they noticed the passing Huns all pointing the
|
||
foursome out to each other and making what Ernie was sure were
|
||
snide comments. Ernie in particular was getting very sensitive
|
||
about snide comments made at his expense. "Let's go, guys, okay?"
|
||
he urged.
|
||
They began walking down the yellow brick road, heading out of
|
||
the Hun's camp.
|
||
Soon they were out of the camp, and heading once again across
|
||
the green hills. The road rolled on before them, over hill and
|
||
dale, heading towards Rome - maybe.
|
||
The road seemed to stretch on endlessly in front of them.
|
||
Ernie sighed. It looked like it was going to be a long walk.
|
||
After what seemed to be a very long time they noticed
|
||
something up ahead of them. It seemed to be a huge cloud of dust
|
||
heading across the countryside. Whatever it was, it was going to
|
||
cross the road a short distance in front of them.
|
||
Ernie strained his eyes. "Can you make out what that is?" he
|
||
said to the Fly.
|
||
"Oh wow," said the Fly. "It's a cattle drive!"
|
||
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Sterno. "Cattle can't drive!"
|
||
"No, no," the Fly protested. "It's cows! A whole bunch of
|
||
cows!"
|
||
"`Herd' of cows," Ernie corrected.
|
||
"Of course I've heard of cows!" snapped Sterno. "Don't be
|
||
insulting!"
|
||
"Well, they're coming this way," the Fly said.
|
||
As the four walked along, they began to make out more clearly
|
||
a vast number of cattle, raising a huge cloud of dust with their
|
||
hooves. "What are all these cattle doing here?" Ernie wondered.
|
||
As if in answer to that question, a lone figure on a horse
|
||
came galloping toward them.
|
||
"Hey, it's a cowboy!" the Fly said cheerfully. "Hiya, cowboy!"
|
||
He waved.
|
||
The cowboy galloped up to them and stopped. "Howdy! Any of you
|
||
boys know the way to Abilene?"
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Uh, sorry. I'm a stranger here myself."
|
||
The cowboy scratched his head. "This country don't look at all
|
||
familiar! We ain't seen a thing we recognize fer quite a spell,
|
||
now. Y'all know where this here road leads?"
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "Uh, I think it leads to Rome, but I'm
|
||
not sure."
|
||
The cowboy considered that. "Rome? Is that in Kansas?"
|
||
"I don't think so," Ernie said.
|
||
The cowboy stroked his horse's muzzle. "Well, Toto," he said
|
||
to his horse. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" He turned
|
||
back to Ernie. "Well, thank ya'll kindly!" he said, tipping his
|
||
hat. He galloped back to rejoin the herd.
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "What do you make of that?"
|
||
"Tsk, tsk," the Captain shook his head. "The file corruption
|
||
is getting really severe. More and more data is turning up in the
|
||
wrong sector. I really don't know if the system is going to be able
|
||
to stand much more of this!"
|
||
Ernie found this comment disturbing. "Why? What'll happen
|
||
then?"
|
||
The Captain shook his head sadly. "Well...well, it might..."
|
||
He trailed off.
|
||
Ernie hated it when people trailed off. It always made him
|
||
terribly uneasy. "It might...what?" he prompted.
|
||
Captain Memory looked uncomfortable. "Are you sure you want to
|
||
know?"
|
||
Ernie thought about this for a moment, and decided the Captain
|
||
was right: he didn't want to know.
|
||
The Fly, however, had become interested in the subject. "Oh,
|
||
I get it, we're supposed to guess, right?" he said brightly. "First
|
||
syllable? Sounds like?" He began gesticulating in a peculiar way,
|
||
as though trying to act out some unknown word. "This is fun!"
|
||
Sterno grimaced. "Will you please stop making those disgusting
|
||
motions? I can't even begin to tell you how utterly offensive they
|
||
look!"
|
||
The Fly paid no attention. "I know, I know, it's a movie star,
|
||
right?" He began prancing about in a very disconcerting manner. "Is
|
||
it a dancer, huh? A dancer?"
|
||
"Well, no..." Captain Memory looked very uncomfortable.
|
||
"I know! I know!" The Fly jumped up and down excitedly. "It's
|
||
Fred Astaire, right? Fred Astaire?"
|
||
"Uh, no..." Captain Memory shifted about awkwardly.
|
||
"Gene Kelly!" The Fly shouted excitedly. "It's Gene Kelly,
|
||
right?"
|
||
"Uh-uh." The Captain looked at the ground.
|
||
"For heaven sake's, tell him already!" snapped Sterno.
|
||
"Nothing else is going to shut him up!"
|
||
Ernie winced. He really didn't want to hear this. If it was
|
||
bad enough for Captain Memory to warn him about, it must be really
|
||
terrible. Especially considering all the terrible things the
|
||
Captain had told him WITHOUT warning him. He shuddered. No, he
|
||
definitely didn't want to hear this.
|
||
Captain Memory looked very unhappy. "It's...uh..."
|
||
"I know! I know!" The Fly was totally involved with the game.
|
||
"Carmen Miranda! It's Carmen Miranda, right?"
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "It's...well, it's...TOTAL SYSTEM
|
||
FAILURE!"
|
||
The Fly was totally taken aback. "Huh? Sister Failure? Who's
|
||
she?" He sulked. "It's not fair to use people who aren't famous!
|
||
How am I supposed to guess that? What movies has she been in,
|
||
anyway?"
|
||
Ernie sighed with relief. System Failure. Well, that wasn't
|
||
that bad! He frowned. It suddenly occurred to him that he might
|
||
feel differently if he had any idea what a `system failure' was.
|
||
"What..." he started to say, then stopped. On second thought,
|
||
perhaps he'd rather not know.
|
||
"What in the world is a `total system failure' supposed to
|
||
be?" Sterno demanded irritatedly.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "That's when you totally exceed the
|
||
operating parameters of the system, to the point where not even the
|
||
multiple-redundant neural-net backups can compensate for it any
|
||
more."
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie wasn't following that.
|
||
"Well," Captain Memory simplified. "It's sort of like the
|
||
system has a heart attack."
|
||
Ernie thought about that. "And, if the system has a heart
|
||
attack..."
|
||
"Then WE have a heart attack," Sterno finished for him.
|
||
Ernie moaned quietly. He'd had a feeling it was going to be
|
||
something like this. Why did they have to tell him this, anyway?
|
||
What was he, Ernie, supposed to do about it? What did they have to
|
||
tell him if there wasn't anything he could do about it? His stomach
|
||
hurt. He decided to try to think about something else.
|
||
Their path was now blocked by the herd, forcing the foursome
|
||
to cool their heels and wait for the animals to pass. They waited
|
||
while thousands of cattle went by, raising a huge cloud of choking
|
||
dust. Finally, the herd passed and the four continued on their way.
|
||
They walked for what once again seemed a very long time,
|
||
finding nothing. Finally, the Fly noticed something. "Seems to be
|
||
something going on up ahead," he commented. "Looks like a chariot
|
||
pulled over by the side of the road."
|
||
As the foursome approached, they could see that it indeed was
|
||
a chariot. Four Romans in togas stood around it. A tire on one of
|
||
the wheels seemed to have gone flat, and they were pumping it up
|
||
with a hand pump. Ernie frowned. "Are chariots supposed to have
|
||
tires?"
|
||
The Fly looked at the chariot. "Hey, it's got old-fashioned
|
||
skinny tires on spoked wheels, like a Model T Ford. What do you
|
||
expect?"
|
||
"I dunno." Ernie was trying hard to remember what the
|
||
chariots looked like in the gladiator movies, however he hadn't
|
||
been paying attention that closely. "With all the stuff that's been
|
||
happening, you can't be too careful!"
|
||
"Don't be such a worry wart!" snapped Sterno. "Suppose it IS
|
||
a phony chariot, what difference does it make?"
|
||
"Uh..." Ernie hadn't thought that far ahead. His thoughts were
|
||
interrupted by one of the Romans who approached them. He was a
|
||
tall, thin man, wearing a toga. He seemed like a typical Roman out
|
||
of a gladiator movie, except for the fact that he wore a monocle
|
||
and jackboots.
|
||
The man's arm swept out in a Roman salute. "Heil...I mean,
|
||
Hail!" he said cheerfully. Ernie frowned. Weren't Romans supposed
|
||
to wear sandals?
|
||
The man continued. "Ve chust finished fixing our chariot.
|
||
Perhaps you vould like a ride, ja?"
|
||
"You bet!" said the Fly enthusiastically. "Boy, I'm really
|
||
sick of walking!"
|
||
"Well, I dunno..." said Ernie. Something about this just
|
||
didn't seem right to him. He looked at the two white horses that
|
||
the chariot was hitched to, carefully examining them for any sign
|
||
of seams or lumpiness. No, they looked okay. Perfectly formed, with
|
||
no seams. One thing did seem odd about them, though: they didn't
|
||
move at all. They stood absolutely still, like statues. But then,
|
||
on the other hand, Ernie didn't really know that much about horses.
|
||
Maybe they were supposed to stand like that. It probably didn't
|
||
mean anything.
|
||
"Oh, come ON!" said Sterno impatiently. "Quit making such an
|
||
issue about everything! Let's just get in, all right? I've had it
|
||
with walking!"
|
||
"I bet you must be dog tired, right?" said the Fly.
|
||
"Spare me your attempts at humor, you insectile moron!" Sterno
|
||
barked.
|
||
The Fly looked upset. "What did he mean by that?" he said to
|
||
Ernie.
|
||
"Time to go!" urged the Roman. "All aboard, ja?"
|
||
Sterno and the Fly quickly scrambled aboard the chariot, which
|
||
seemed unusually large and spacious to Ernie. He got on as well, in
|
||
spite of his misgivings. Captain Memory brought up the rear. The
|
||
other three Romans then got on behind them, blocking the entrance
|
||
and making any escape impossible. Ernie felt very uneasy about
|
||
that. He was, however, relieved to see that Captain Memory did not
|
||
seem the least bit bothered by the situation. But then, Captain
|
||
Memory didn't seem the least bit bothered by ANY situation.
|
||
"Vell, avay we go!" said the Roman cheerfully. "Giddap!" He
|
||
snapped the reins.
|
||
Nothing happened. The horses stood there, totally immobile.
|
||
The Roman laughed nervously. "Giddy UP!" He lashed the horses with
|
||
the reins. Still nothing. From somewhere in his toga he produced a
|
||
riding crop, and began lashing the horses unmercifully. "You vill
|
||
MOVE, you shtupid animals!" The horses stood absolutely still,
|
||
totally unresponsive.
|
||
The Roman turned to the foursome with a nervous laugh. "A
|
||
liddle problem, nothing to vorry about! No need to get out!" He
|
||
jumped over the side of the chariot, and approached the horses
|
||
menacingly.
|
||
"Uh, Herr Sturmbannfuhrer," one of the other Romans spoke up.
|
||
"There is something ve forgot to tell you..."
|
||
The first Roman gave the closest horse a swift kick in the
|
||
hind leg. The leg broke neatly off. The Roman jumped frantically
|
||
out of the way as the horse toppled slowly over and crashed to the
|
||
pavement, shattering into a million pieces.
|
||
The first Roman turned on the other Romans in a fury.
|
||
"Idiots!" he shrieked. "You brought ze plaster horses! I told you,
|
||
ve must have ze REAL horses!"
|
||
"But, but Herr Sturmbannfuhrer," the second Roman sputtered.
|
||
"Ze real horses, zey make doo-doo on ze floor!"
|
||
"Dummkopf!" shrieked the first Roman. "How can ve travel vith
|
||
plaster horses?"
|
||
The other three Roman looked at each other in dismay. "Oh. Ve
|
||
didn't tink of dat."
|
||
"Idiots!" The first Roman lashed the others with his riding
|
||
crop.
|
||
"Oh man!" said the Fly sadly. "Does this mean we're gonna have
|
||
to walk after all?"
|
||
The first Roman stopped abruptly, and turned to the foursome
|
||
with a bright smile. "Oh no, of course not! Dis is chust a minor
|
||
problem, ve fix in chust a moment!" The Roman pulled some sort of
|
||
small electronic device out of his toga, and scanned the
|
||
surrounding area with it. It beeped. "Ah! Ze solution to our
|
||
problem is coming right down ze road!"
|
||
An object appeared over the horizon, moving quickly down the
|
||
road in their direction. As it approached, Ernie could see that it
|
||
was a large chariot, pulled by four beautiful white horses. It
|
||
looked somehow familiar.
|
||
The four Romans stood in the middle of the road, blocking the
|
||
path as the chariot aproached. The man in the chariot stopped,
|
||
confused.
|
||
"You!" the first Roman shouted. "Out of ze chariot! NOW!" He
|
||
pulled an evil-looking weapon out of his toga, and pointed it at
|
||
the man in the chariot menacingly.
|
||
"Make way! Make way!" the man in the chariot cried out. "I
|
||
have no time to waste! I'm on my way to the chariot races in Rome!"
|
||
The man in the chariot looked very familiar to Ernie. Could it
|
||
be...Charlton Heston?
|
||
"I have no time to vaste, either!" The first Roman fired his
|
||
weapon at the man in the chariot, who vanished in a flash of flame.
|
||
"Now," he turned to Ernie and the others. "Ve vill take ZIS
|
||
chariot, ja?"
|
||
"Oh man!" said the Fly mournfully. "They're ruining all my
|
||
favorite shows! First Mr. Ed falls apart, and now they disintegrate
|
||
Ben-Hur!"
|
||
Even Sterno was now beginning to get suspicious. "Say," he
|
||
said to the first Roman. "What's your name, anyway?"
|
||
"My name?" the first Roman seemed nonplussed. "You vant to
|
||
know my name?"
|
||
"Yeah!" Ernie picked the question up. "What's your name?"
|
||
The first Roman laughed nervously. He elbowed the second Roman
|
||
sharply. "Quick!" he whispered. "Vot's my name?!" The second Roman
|
||
whispered something to him. The first Roman smiled agreeably. "Oh
|
||
yes, my name! I am Marcus Provolonicus."
|
||
Sterno froze in horror. "Provolone...It's CHEESE! Oh my god,
|
||
it's CHEESE! Run!"
|
||
The other three Romans suddenly whipped out evil-looking
|
||
weapons. "DO NOT MOVE!" shrieked the first Roman. "Or you vill
|
||
suffer ze same fate as our friend here!" He gestured towards the
|
||
other chariot, which now contained only a little pile of ashes.
|
||
The first Roman tore off his toga, revealing a Nazi SS uniform
|
||
underneath. "So, our liddle subterfuge does not fool you, eh?" he
|
||
said menacingly. "Dat is most...unfortunate. For vhich..." He
|
||
looked around quickly. His eyes came to rest on the second Roman.
|
||
"...YOU vill pay, dummkopf!" He lashed the man with his riding
|
||
crop.
|
||
"But, Herr Sturmbannfuhrer..." the man began.
|
||
"SILENCE!" shrieked von Liederkranz. "It is impossible to get
|
||
good help zese days!" he sulked. "Ze quality of ze Cyberslaves is
|
||
not vhat it used to be!"
|
||
He turned to Ernie and the others. "Now, you vill get on zis
|
||
chariot, and ve vill be on our vay!" Ernie looked at von
|
||
Liederkranz's evil-looking weapons, and decided to do it the Nazi's
|
||
way. They boarded the other chariot. This time, the horses worked,
|
||
and they moved off quickly down the road.
|
||
"Hey, this sure beats walking!" said the Fly cheerfully, as
|
||
they thundered along the yellow brick road.
|
||
"I dunno," said Ernie ruefully. "Considering where we're
|
||
going, maybe we'd rather walk." Ernie frowned. "Say," he said to
|
||
von Liederkranz. "Where ARE we going, anyway?"
|
||
Von Liederkranz smiled evilly. "You'll find out soon enough!"
|
||
Ernie looked on ahead. They appeared to be approaching
|
||
something. "Oh, it's a town!" said the Fly.
|
||
"Vot!" von Liederkranz snapped. "Dere's not supposed to be a
|
||
town here! Whoa!" He stopped the chariot. "Vhere's my map?" He
|
||
pulled out a map and began regarding it carefully. "Ah, here's de
|
||
problem! Ve get on ze autobahn, und turn left at Heidelberg..."
|
||
The other Romans had removed their togas as well, and stood
|
||
revealed as Nazi SS troopers. One of them peered over von
|
||
Liederkranz's shoulder. "Uh, Herr Sturmbannfuhrer," he began
|
||
tentatively. "Dat's a map of Bavaria!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz started. He looked at the legend of the map,
|
||
and then crumpled it up angrily and threw it on the ground. "I know
|
||
dat!" he snapped. "I vas chust...testing you. Very good!" He
|
||
prodded the SS trooper with his riding crop. "Okay, Mr. Know-it-
|
||
all, vhere do ve go now?"
|
||
The trooper regarded the road carefully. "Vell, since dere's
|
||
only one road, and dis isn't de right vay, I vould say ve go...de
|
||
other way!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz thought a minute. "Uh...right! De other vay!
|
||
Ve go de other vay!" He wheeled the chariot around and they
|
||
galloped off in the other direction.
|
||
They charged on down the yellow brick road in the direction
|
||
from which they had come in the first place, moving faster this
|
||
time as von Liederkranz whipped the horses bad-temperedly. After
|
||
some time, they began to approach what seemed to be a town.
|
||
"Oh wow," said the Fly. "It's the same town! How did we get to
|
||
the same place when we went the opposite direction?"
|
||
"I told you so," smirked Sterno. "`All Roads Lead to Rome'.
|
||
You're just going to have to go there. There's just no getting out
|
||
of it."
|
||
Von Liederkranz peered ahead. "Gottverdammter! Vhere's my
|
||
map?" He pulled out another map and regarded it carefully. "Ah!
|
||
Here's ze problem! Ve chust get on I-94, turn right at
|
||
Indianapolis..."
|
||
The SS trooper looked over von Liederkranz's shoulder again.
|
||
"Uh, Herr Sturmbannfuhrer, dat's a map of Illinois!" Von
|
||
Liederkranz started. He quickly crumpled up the map and threw it on
|
||
the ground. "I know dat!" He turned to the rest of the group. "Ve
|
||
are going to zis town! Ve intended to go to zis town! It vas NOT a
|
||
mistake!" They continued down the road, and into town.
|
||
The town consisted of one unpaved road, flanked by one story
|
||
wooden buildings with broad fronts. Their names were clearly
|
||
legible on them: SALOON, GENERAL STORE, U.S. MARSHAL. The town
|
||
looked somehow familiar to Ernie.
|
||
"Oh wow!" exclaimed the Fly. "It's Dodge City!"
|
||
"That's impossible!" snorted Sterno. "You can't have `All
|
||
Roads Lead to Dodge City'! That's not right! I have a classical
|
||
education and I know!"
|
||
"Could be Abilene, I suppose," mused Ernie.
|
||
"`All Roads Lead to Abilene'?" said Sterno sarcastically. "Fat
|
||
chance!"
|
||
"You must be right," Ernie agreed. "I don't see any cattle
|
||
around. Must be Dodge City after all!"
|
||
As they passed through town, Ernie noticed a tall, thin young
|
||
man who looked at them with alarm. The young man began hurrying
|
||
towards the U.S. Marshal's office, walking with a pronounced limp.
|
||
"Mr. Dillon! Mr. Dillon! Somethin' strange comin' into town!" he
|
||
cried.
|
||
A tall, imposing man, dressed in Western attire and wearing a
|
||
U.S. Marshal badge stepped out of the marshal's office and into the
|
||
street, blocking the path of the chariot. "Hold up there, now! What
|
||
do you boys want in our town?"
|
||
"Get out of my vay!" hissed von Liederkranz. "I haff no time
|
||
for dis shtupidity!"
|
||
"Now hold on just a minute there..." the Marshal began.
|
||
"Idiot!" snapped von Liederkranz. He turned to the SS
|
||
troopers. "Disintegrate him!" von Liederkranz and the SS troopers
|
||
reached for their evil-looking weapons.
|
||
With lightning speed, the Marshal's gun flew into his hand.
|
||
Four shots rand out, catching each of the Nazis full in the chest,
|
||
the force of the bullet hurling their bodies from the chariot.
|
||
"I seen it, Mr. Dillon!" cried Chester, the young man with the
|
||
limp. "They drew first!"
|
||
Ernie threw his hands up over his head. "Don't shoot! We're
|
||
unarmed!"
|
||
Sterno get down on all fours. "Woof!" he said emphatically.
|
||
"They don't shoot dogs, do they?"
|
||
"They were holding us prisoner!" the Fly chimed in. "They shot
|
||
Ben-Hur!"
|
||
"Ben who?" The Marshal looked confused. Just then, a woman in
|
||
an elaborate red dress ran out of the saloon. "Oh Matt! Are you all
|
||
right? I heard the shooting..."
|
||
"Don't you worry, Miss Kitty, I'm just fine," the Marshal
|
||
reassured her.
|
||
Ernie looked at the ground behind him. The bloody bodies of
|
||
von Liederkranz and the other Nazis were lying motionless in the
|
||
dust.
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "Are they really...dead?"
|
||
"Oh yes," said Captain Memory cheerfully. "Too bad they won't
|
||
stay that way!"
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie was confused.
|
||
"Well, you know how it is in computer games," the Captain went
|
||
on. "If you get killed, you just start over again with another
|
||
life!"
|
||
"I dunno, they looked pretty dead to me!" Ernie said.
|
||
"Look again," the Captain advised.
|
||
Ernie turned. The bodies had vanished.
|
||
"See?" the Captain said. "They've gone back to the beginning.
|
||
They'll have to start all over!"
|
||
Ernie turned back to look at the Marshal, who had been
|
||
conferring with Miss Kitty and Chester. "You boys are free to go,"
|
||
the Marshal said. "Just stay out of trouble!" He went back into his
|
||
office.
|
||
"Whew!" the Fly breathed a sigh of relief. "Boy, are we lucky
|
||
to get out of that one! You don't want to mess with Marshal
|
||
Dillon!"
|
||
Sterno stood back up and brushed himself off, trying to
|
||
recover his lost dignity. "You can put your hands down now," he
|
||
said to Ernie snappishly. "You have no idea how ridiculous you look
|
||
surrendering when there's no-one there!"
|
||
"Oh." Ernie lowered his hands. He looked around. "So, what are
|
||
we gonna do in Dodge City?"
|
||
The Fly looked at the Saloon. "Look at all those pretty girls
|
||
in there! Whaddya say we go in for a drink?"
|
||
"Well...okay." Ernie couldn't think of any reason not to.
|
||
Besides, his throat was feeling pretty dusty after that long
|
||
chariot ride.
|
||
They got out of the chariot and walked towards the saloon, the
|
||
Fly leading the way. They walked up to the doors, when suddenly
|
||
their way was blocked by a burly bartender. "Hold it right there,
|
||
boys! We don't allow no Injuns in here!"
|
||
"Huh?" The Fly was confused.
|
||
"That means you!" The bartender prodded the Fly in the chest.
|
||
"Imagine that, trying to come in here with feathers..." he gestured
|
||
toward the Fly's antenna, "...and a war mask!" He gestured towards
|
||
the Fly's face. The dance-hall girls laughed derisively.
|
||
"Hey, wait a minute!" the Fly protested. "I'm not..."
|
||
A shotgun suddenly appeared in the bartender's hands. "I said
|
||
`Git!'" he said menacingly. "NOW!"
|
||
"Okay, okay," the Fly backed off. "I'm gittin'!"
|
||
"And don't come back!" the bartender called after them.
|
||
The Fly sighed as the foursome walked back to the chariot.
|
||
"Aw, gee. I never get to have any fun!"
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 8
|
||
|
||
The foursome walked slowly back towards Ben-Hur's chariot.
|
||
Suddenly, the lead horse reared up, whinnying loudly, and the four
|
||
horses galloped out of town as fast as they could run, the empty
|
||
chariot bouncing along behind them.
|
||
Ernie was totally taken aback by this. "Hey, they started up
|
||
all by themselves!" he said, as the cloud of dust raised by the
|
||
horse's hooves drifted over them. "Can they do that?"
|
||
"Well, obviously they can!" Sterno sneered. "And it's all your
|
||
fault!"
|
||
"MY fault!" Ernie coughed. "Why is it MY fault?"
|
||
"Because it's always your fault!" Sterno snapped. "YOU didn't
|
||
tie them up!"
|
||
"Me?" Ernie protested. "I didn't know you had to tie them up!
|
||
Can't you just, like, turn them off or something?"
|
||
Sterno rolled his eyes upward. "Hopeless!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked up at the bright afternoon sun. "Nice
|
||
day for a walk, don't you think?"
|
||
Ernie looked down the road. It seemed to stretch endlessly
|
||
through a scrubby, dusty, semi-desert landscape. It looked exactly
|
||
like the scenery he'd seen in hundreds of episodes of "Gunsmoke".
|
||
It did not look like a pleasant place for a walk. "Maybe we could
|
||
just stay here," he suggested hopefully.
|
||
Just then, Marshal Dillon stepped out of his office. "You boys
|
||
better get movin', before you get into more trouble," he said
|
||
sternly. "I want you out of town before sunset!"
|
||
Ernie sighed. "Well, okay, maybe we won't stay here, then."
|
||
The foursome started off down the road, occasionally glancing over
|
||
their shoulders to see if the Marshal was still watching them.
|
||
Unfortunately, he was.
|
||
After what seemed like hours, they approached a fork in the
|
||
road. One branch seemed to head off into the mountains, and another
|
||
into the valley. They stopped.
|
||
Ernie looked at both branches of the road. "Well, which way do
|
||
we go? The high road or the low road?"
|
||
"I know!" the Fly chimed in brightly. "You take the high road
|
||
and I'll take the low road!"
|
||
"Why?"
|
||
"Because then I'll be in Scotland afore ye!" The Fly beamed.
|
||
"Gimme a break", moaned Ernie.
|
||
"Wait a minute," Captain Memory interrupted.
|
||
"What?" Maybe the Captain could come up with something that
|
||
would get them out of this desolate landscape.
|
||
"Isn't it supposed to be `you'll take the low road and I'll
|
||
take the high road?'"
|
||
The Fly frowned. "No, I'm sure it's supposed to be `you take
|
||
the high road and I'll take the low road'!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head. "No, I think it's the other way
|
||
around!"
|
||
"No, it can't be!" the Fly answered. "Listen!" He started to
|
||
sing. "You'll take the high road..."
|
||
"That's enough already!" Sterno broke in. "What difference
|
||
does it make, anyway! We're not going to Scotland!"
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Okay, then where are we going?"
|
||
"Rome!" stated Sterno confidently. "`All Roads Lead to Rome!'"
|
||
Ernie regarded the landscape skeptically. "I dunno. Rome,
|
||
that's in Italy, right? This doesn't look like Italy to me. It
|
||
looks like..." He stopped.
|
||
"Like what?" Sterno demanded.
|
||
"Like...well, well...I don't know what it looks like, but it
|
||
doesn't look like Italy."
|
||
"It's pointless to argue with me," said Sterno pompously.
|
||
"Because I have a classical education and I am, therefore, always
|
||
right."
|
||
"Aren't there supposed to be, like, grapes, and pizzas, and
|
||
people playing those little accordions?" Ernie wondered. No-one
|
||
paid any attention to him.
|
||
The Fly looked down the road into the valley, and up the road
|
||
into the mountains. "Okay, so which way do we go, then?"
|
||
"It doesn't matter," said Sterno self-importantly. "`All Roads
|
||
Lead to Rome'!"
|
||
The Fly started up the road into the mountains. "You guys can
|
||
go any way you want," he called back over his shoulder. "But I'm
|
||
going this way!"
|
||
"Why?" Ernie called after him.
|
||
"'Cause then I'll be in Scotland afore ye!" The Fly laughed
|
||
and started running. "Last one there is a rotten egg!"
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory and Sterno. "Well," he said at
|
||
last. "I guess we might as well follow him."
|
||
"I'll say!" Captain Memory agreed. "I wouldn't want him to be
|
||
in Scotland afore me!" The three of them turned, and began walking
|
||
up the road into the mountains.
|
||
The road headed upward at a moderate angle, making walking
|
||
somewhat difficult. They began to notice the terrain around them
|
||
changing as they walked. They seemed to be moving into a cooler,
|
||
moister environment. The desert was giving way to cool Alpine
|
||
meadows. The road narrowed into a path, threading it's way between
|
||
the growing hills. `Actually', Ernie thought. `It's kind of nice
|
||
here. Maybe taking the high road was a good idea.'
|
||
They had not seen the Fly for quite some time, but they were
|
||
fairly confident that he was just a bit out of sight ahead of them,
|
||
since they could hear someone singing "I'll take the high road..."
|
||
in the distance. Suddenly, the singing stopped.
|
||
Ernie frowned. He hoped the Fly hadn't fallen over a cliff or
|
||
something. He strained his ears. No, no singing. Suddenly, he heard
|
||
another sound. "Did you hear that?" he said to Sterno.
|
||
"Of course," said Sterno assuredly.
|
||
Ernie frowned. "What did that sound like to you?"
|
||
"I believe it was `Yodellay-he-hoo'", Sterno replied.
|
||
Ernie knitted his brow in concentration. "I've heard that
|
||
before. That reminds me of something!"
|
||
"Like what?" asked Sterno, with a slight air of sarcasm.
|
||
"Fondue, perhaps? Chocolate? Watches? `Heidi'?"
|
||
Ernie brightened. "Switzerland! We're in Switzerland!"
|
||
"Very good!" applauded Sterno. "Go to the head of the class!"
|
||
Ernie frowned again. "So, what are we doing in Switzerland?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "We seem to have wandered into
|
||
somebody's Geography program."
|
||
"So now what?"
|
||
"We go on to Rome, of course," Sterno answered confidently.
|
||
Ernie looked at the rising mountains and Alpine meadows around
|
||
them. "Are you sure we're going the right way? I mean, are we
|
||
supposed to go through Switzerland to get to Rome?"
|
||
"Of course," said Sterno with great assurance. "Don't you
|
||
remember Hannibal, taking his elephants through the Alps on his way
|
||
to Rome?"
|
||
"Hannibal!" Ernie's face lit up with recognition. "I saw that
|
||
movie! Starring Victor Mature, right?" Ernie looked at the narrow
|
||
path on which they stood, and frowned. "What are we gonna do if we
|
||
run into an elephant on this trail?"
|
||
At that moment they turned a corner, and came upon the Fly,
|
||
who was standing still, looking at something. "Hi, guys!" he said.
|
||
"Take a look at this!"
|
||
The trail at this pointed rounded a curve at the top of a
|
||
cliff. The Fly pointed over the side, into the valley below. There
|
||
was some sort of commotion going on in the valley. There seemed to
|
||
be a large crowd of some sort moving through the valley, carrying
|
||
torches.
|
||
Ernie peered into the valley. There were a lot of people, or
|
||
animals, or something, moving around, but he couldn't make out what
|
||
they were doing. "Another cattle drive?" he suggested.
|
||
"I doubt it," remarked Sterno. "Look at all those torches!"
|
||
"Must be a torch drive!" the Fly said brightly.
|
||
Sterno glared at the Fly, and muttered something
|
||
unintelligible.
|
||
"Those torches sure are pretty, aren't they?" commented
|
||
Captain Memory. "Maybe we should go down and join the party?"
|
||
Ernie could hear some kind of chanting drifting up from the
|
||
valley. He strained to hear what they were saying. It seemed to be
|
||
something like `Oom alla boom'. He frowned. Somehow, he just didn't
|
||
like the look of that crowd. "Uh, maybe we'd better not," he
|
||
countered.
|
||
Sterno agreed with him. "Maybe another time," the dog
|
||
suggested.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at the others. "You guys are no fun," he
|
||
complained. The foursome watched the commotion below for a few
|
||
minutes, and then continued along the trail.
|
||
The narrow trail wound along between huge boulders, making it
|
||
impossible to see very far ahead. The foursome passed through a
|
||
narrow opening, and found themselves facing a large, open field,
|
||
which seemed to stretch on for miles.
|
||
In the middle of this space was a large, English-style
|
||
mansion, surrounded by carefully-tended grounds. The foursome
|
||
approached it.
|
||
A low, ornamental fence surrounded the grounds. A road led
|
||
through the fence, and up to the front door. Lacking any better
|
||
ideas, the foursome walked down the road and up to the front door.
|
||
The door was massive and imposing, with a huge cast iron door
|
||
knocker in the middle. Ernie looked at Captain Memory. Captain
|
||
Memory looked at the Fly. The Fly looked at Sterno. Sterno looked
|
||
at Ernie. Ernie looked around. Everyone was looking at him. Ernie
|
||
sighed, and stepped up to the door. Tentatively, he raised the
|
||
knocker and let it drop. It made a surprisingly loud sound. Ernie
|
||
flinched.
|
||
He waited. Nothing happened.
|
||
"Try it again," Sterno demanded.
|
||
Ernie frowned. "Why don't you try it?" He had a bad feeling
|
||
about this place. It looked like someplace he had seen in a movie
|
||
sometime. He didn't remember what movie it was, or what happened,
|
||
but it was something bad.
|
||
"Well, obviously, I'm not tall enough to reach it," said
|
||
Sterno patronizingly. "Anyway, it's your job."
|
||
"Why is it my job?" cried Ernie indignantly. "Why is it always
|
||
my job?"
|
||
"You started it," retorted Sterno.
|
||
Ernie sighed. He knew there would be some reason why it was
|
||
his job. He always got stuck with things like this. Who knows what
|
||
kind of horrible creature would answer the door. Even if it was a
|
||
normal person, what was he supposed to say to them, anyway? Oh
|
||
well, might as well get it over with. He raised the knocker and
|
||
slammed it down several times, raising a tremendous din that no-one
|
||
in the house could have missed. They waited.
|
||
Nothing happened.
|
||
"Well, nobody's home," said Ernie lightly. "I guess we might
|
||
as well go."
|
||
"Oh, come ON," snapped Sterno irritatedly. "Where are we
|
||
supposed to go, anyway? Try the doorknob!"
|
||
Ernie shifted the coffee maker to his other hand, and gingerly
|
||
touched the huge, cast-iron doorknob, half expecting an explosion
|
||
or an electric shock. Nothing happened. He tried to turn it. It was
|
||
very securely locked, and totally unmovable.
|
||
"Well, door's locked," said Ernie in a cheerful tone. "Might
|
||
as well go!"
|
||
"We'll find another way in!" said Sterno sternly. "Let's walk
|
||
around the building."
|
||
Ernie grimaced. The others, however, seemed content to follow
|
||
Sterno as he headed off around the corner to the left. Ernie
|
||
supposed there was no way to get out of this, so he followed as
|
||
well, bringing up the rear.
|
||
A small garden path led around the corner of the building,
|
||
through the English garden, and to a nicely-tended stone patio.
|
||
French doors led from the house to the patio.
|
||
"Just as I thought!" Sterno declared. He strode purposefully
|
||
up to the doors, and tried the knob. They were unlocked. He led the
|
||
way into the house.
|
||
They found themselves in a luxurious English-style study, the
|
||
walls panelled with dark oak, and lined with shelves containing
|
||
leather-bound books. Sterno headed immediately for a small
|
||
occasional table by the wall. "Aha!" he cried. "I knew it!" He
|
||
flipped open a dark wood box, revealing a store of excellent
|
||
cigars. He grabbed a handful of them, lighting one immediately.
|
||
"Ahhh!" He exhaled a cloud of blue smoke. His eyes lit upon a
|
||
decanter sitting next to the humidor. "Lovely!" he exclaimed.
|
||
"Brandy, anyone?"
|
||
Ernie sighed wearily. All this stress was just too much for
|
||
him, he decided. Luckily, there was a large, overstuffed Victorian
|
||
sofa placed in the middle of the room. Ernie dropped heavily onto
|
||
it, followed by Captain Memory and the Fly.
|
||
Captain Memory scanned the room slowly. "I wonder where they
|
||
keep their TV?" he said pensively.
|
||
The sofa faced to large oak doors, which Ernie supposed must
|
||
lead to the rest of the house. Ernie considered them, wondering if
|
||
they should try to explore the house further. No, he decided, let's
|
||
just leave well enough alone.
|
||
At that moment the doors flew open. In the doorway stood a
|
||
tall, very British-looking gentleman, with a white handlebar
|
||
mustache, wearing a smoking jacket and a top hat. "How good of you
|
||
to come!" he announced jovially. "I'm Lord Foofaraw. Do make
|
||
yourselves at home! Tea, anyone?" A butler entered, carrying a
|
||
silver tray full of teacups, and three large, covered, silver
|
||
dishes. Ernie gratefully accepted a cup of tea, and peeked under
|
||
the covers of the dishes. The first two contained unappetizing-
|
||
looking little ornamental sandwiches. They seemed to be made of
|
||
plastic, or some other not-entirely-edible material. At this point,
|
||
however, Ernie was so ravenously hungry he would have eaten
|
||
practically anything, even items that were only marginally edible.
|
||
However, Ernie decided to check the third dish. What luck! It
|
||
contained a large pile of fresh, hot, sizzling lamb chops, broiled
|
||
to perfection. Ernie loved lamb chops. He grabbed the entire dish
|
||
off the tray and began wolfing them down, eating them with his bare
|
||
hands.
|
||
As Ernie's hunger subsided, he began to feel self-conscious.
|
||
They seemed to be having an elegant English tea with a titled
|
||
British nobleman, and here he was wearing a fur loincloth, carrying
|
||
a plastic broadsword and a coffee maker, and eating lamb chops with
|
||
his bare hands. It didn't seem proper to Ernie. Certainly it was
|
||
very un-British. Ernie frowned. Then, on the other hand, it wasn't
|
||
his fault. Lord Foofaraw was the one who served the lamb chops.
|
||
They shouldn't serve lamb chops if they don't want people to eat
|
||
them. And anyway, they didn't give him any utensils, so he had to
|
||
eat them with his hands. That settled, Ernie returned to stuffing
|
||
his face with chops.
|
||
"Pip, pip! Cheerio! Eh, wot?" said Lord Foofaraw jovially.
|
||
"How very British!" exclaimed Sterno delightedly.
|
||
"Rather!" agreed Lord Foofaraw.
|
||
Ernie turned to the nobleman. "I wonder if you could tell us
|
||
where we are?" he managed to ask between bites.
|
||
"Where you ARE?" Lord Foofaraw seemed amazed. "Why, I should
|
||
think that would be quite obvious! You're HERE, old boy!"
|
||
Sterno chuckled. The Fly waved his antennae confusedly.
|
||
Captain Memory continued to look around for a TV.
|
||
Lord Foofaraw settled comfortably into an overstuffed chair.
|
||
"Ah yes," he began. "This reminds me of the time I was lost in the
|
||
jungles of Poodawumpus, surrounded by cannibals!" He leaned forward
|
||
animatedly. "There were cannibals to the right of me, cannibals to
|
||
the left of me! The light of their torches flickered through the
|
||
dense undergrowth. I could hear their infernal chanting: `Oom alla
|
||
boom! Oom alla boom!' Over and over, until I thought the infernal
|
||
din should surely drive me mad! Suddenly, I...." He broke off,
|
||
looking at Ernie oddly. "I say, my good man, why ever are you
|
||
carrying that coffee maker?"
|
||
Ernie fidgeted uncomfortably. "It's not a coffee maker, it's
|
||
a Psion Megaforce Generator."
|
||
"A WOT?" the lord was amazed.
|
||
"A Psion Megaforce Generator!" Ernie repeated. Lord Foofaraw
|
||
looked at him skeptically. Ernie looked again at the device he was
|
||
carrying. He sighed. "On the other hand, it could be a coffee maker
|
||
too, I suppose." Ernie admitted. "Anyway, it's genuine Bakelite!"
|
||
"Ah, yes! Bakelite!" the lord seemed to consider this answer
|
||
reasonable. A faraway look came into his eyes. "That reminds me of
|
||
the time I was trekking through the desert of Duzzlebuggy..."
|
||
"But, what about the cannibals?" the Fly broke in, his
|
||
antennae waving excitedly.
|
||
"Don't interrupt His Lordship!" snapped Sterno.
|
||
Lord Foofaraw looked confused. "I say, old man, there are no
|
||
cannibals in the deserts of Duzzlebuggy!"
|
||
The Fly's antennae drooped disappointedly. "I wanted to hear
|
||
about the cannibals!"
|
||
"Oh, dear!" The lord seemed quite flustered by all these
|
||
interruptions. "Where was I? Ah, yes, there I was, scaling the
|
||
mountains of Muffiedump...."
|
||
Ernie's mind wandered. He noticed a beautiful silver bell
|
||
sitting on an end table next to him. It seemed to be a very unusual
|
||
design. It was covered with dozens of tiny pushbuttons, each with
|
||
an odd little symbol next to it. Ernie picked it up curiously.
|
||
"BONG! BONG!" Loud, synthesized bell-sounds appeared as though
|
||
out of nowhere.
|
||
Lord Foofaraw looked up in annoyance, stopping his story in
|
||
mid-sentence. "I say, my good man! Whatever ARE you doing?"
|
||
Ernie looked up disconcertedly. "I...um..it..." The bell
|
||
continued to bong loudly.
|
||
"How RUDE!" Sterno glared at Ernie.
|
||
Ernie examined the bell frantically, trying to figure out how
|
||
to turn it off. He could see now that is wasn't a real bell, but
|
||
rather an electronic, synthesized bell, with orchestral sounds, a
|
||
rhythm machine, and full MIDI capability.
|
||
Ernie pushed the tiny buttons frenziedly, desperately trying
|
||
to turn the thing off. The sound changed. "Chick-a-Boom! Chick-a-
|
||
BOOM!" Ernie had accidentally turned on the rhythm machine.
|
||
The door to the study opened. The Butler entered, a swarthy
|
||
character who looked somehow familiar to Ernie. The sound abruptly
|
||
stopped. Ernie breathed a sigh of relief.
|
||
The Butler looked at Ernie, and then at Lord Foofaraw. "Chu
|
||
rang?" he enquired.
|
||
"Ah, yes!" Lord Foofaraw seemed to have regained his
|
||
composure. "More tea, Richard!"
|
||
"Chure!" the Butler said agreeably, and began refilling their
|
||
cups.
|
||
His Lordship resumed his story. "...and there I was,
|
||
surrounded by techno-savages! They had decided to sacrifice a
|
||
virgin, but the first one they selected was discovered to be, how
|
||
shall I say, damaged, so they were obliged to move on to the next,
|
||
who became Virgin 2.0. But she was found to be not entirely
|
||
suitable, so they settled upon Virgin 2.1, revised...."
|
||
It seemed to have gotten dark outside, although they had
|
||
hardly noticed it, since the Butler, or someone, had turned on the
|
||
lights. That was odd, Ernie thought, because it had been the middle
|
||
of the afternoon only a few minutes ago. He was going to consider
|
||
it further, when abruptly, the lights went out, plunging them all
|
||
into total darkness.
|
||
From out of nowhere, a gust of wind blew up, throwing the
|
||
French doors open violently.
|
||
Suddenly, a shot rang out. They heard a cry, and a body fell
|
||
heavily to the floor.
|
||
The lights came on again. There, in the middle of the Persian
|
||
carpet, Lord Foofaraw lay dead in a pool of blood. Nearby lay a
|
||
smoking gun. Ernie was stunned. Before he could even think of what
|
||
to do, the oak doors leading to the rest of the house flew open,
|
||
and a man in a trench coat and a fedora strode purposefully in.
|
||
"Scotland Yard!" he announced. "No-one leave this room!"
|
||
A crowd of Bobbies seemed to have materialized outside of both
|
||
sets of doors. Clearly, no-one was going to be able to leave this
|
||
room until the detective was ready to allow it.
|
||
Ernie frowned. This was beginning to remind him an awful lot
|
||
of some movie or other, although he still couldn't remember which
|
||
one it was.
|
||
"Oh, I remember this!" Captain Memory exclaimed delightedly.
|
||
"This is a game called `MYSTERY', you know, one of those who-dunnit
|
||
things? We have to solve the mystery!" The captain seemed very
|
||
pleased. "This is great fun!"
|
||
The detective scanned all of their faces carefully. "So, here
|
||
we all are, at last!" he said.
|
||
`At last?' Ernie thought. "Uh, we only just got here," Ernie
|
||
said tentatively, wiping his greasy hands on his fur loincloth.
|
||
"And we really don't know anything about this, so, if you don't
|
||
mind, we'll just be on our..." He started to get up.
|
||
"Sit DOWN!" shouted the detective. "No-one leaves until I say
|
||
so!"
|
||
Ernie sat. He hadn't really thought he was going to get away
|
||
with that, but he'd though he'd give it a try anyway.
|
||
"So," the detective continued. "We know you all had a reason
|
||
for wanting Lord Foofaraw dead!"
|
||
The foursome all looked at one another. Ernie shrugged.
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. The Fly shrugged. Sterno shrugged, in a
|
||
very un-doglike manner.
|
||
"Well, actually," Ernie began tentatively. "No, I..."
|
||
"A likely story!" interrupted the detective. "Here you are,
|
||
wearing a fur loincloth and a plastic broadsword, carrying..." He
|
||
cocked an eye quizzically at Ernie, "...a coffee maker? And you
|
||
expect me to believe a story like that? And just WHERE did you get
|
||
that bag of gold, anyway?"
|
||
Ernie began to feel very self-conscious. He decided that
|
||
perhaps he had better keep his mouth shut. It didn't seem to him
|
||
that saying `Attila the Hun gave it to me' would go over very well.
|
||
"And what about those LAMB CHOPS?!" the detective thundered.
|
||
"Everyone knows that one never serves lamb chops for tea! So, just
|
||
what is the meaning of all this?" Ernie shrank down into his seat.
|
||
"And YOU!" The detective jabbed a finger at the Fly, who
|
||
flinched. "You blamed Lord Foofaraw for your terrible accident,
|
||
didn't you? The accident that left you horribly disfigured, and
|
||
left Lord Foofaraw free to start an affair with YOUR WIFE!"
|
||
"But, but, I don't even have a wife!" The Fly began, his
|
||
antennae waving in consternation.
|
||
"All these years you've plotted revenge, haven't you?" the
|
||
detective continued. "And now, suddenly, mysteriously, Lord
|
||
Foofaraw turns up DEAD! What are we to make of THAT, my fine Fly
|
||
friend?"
|
||
"But, but...." The Fly's antennae waved wildly.
|
||
The detective, however, had already gone on to the next
|
||
suspect.
|
||
"And YOU!" He jabbed a finger at Sterno. "You've had no reward
|
||
for years of faithful service, have you? You've worked like a dog,
|
||
running and fetching every time his Lordship snapped his fingers.
|
||
We know how you resented it, how you longed to even the score. Yet,
|
||
year after year you let his Lordship treat you like an animal, with
|
||
never a whimper of complaint. And NOW, here you are, helping
|
||
yourself to his Lordship's best brandy and cigars! What would his
|
||
Lordship have thought of THAT!?"
|
||
Sterno thought fast. "Woof!" he answered. The detective,
|
||
however, had already gone on to the next suspect.
|
||
"And finally," the detective said, leaving a pregnant pause,
|
||
"we have YOU!" He jabbed a finger in Captain Memory's face. "The
|
||
famous Captain Memory! `Through Space and Time Without a Dime' I
|
||
think you've been heard to say!"
|
||
"Actually, I sort of prefer `Through Time and Space to a
|
||
Better Place'", answered the Captain conversationally.
|
||
"A likely story!" snapped the detective. "We know what you've
|
||
been up to! We see you when you're sleeping! We know if you're
|
||
awake! We know if you've been bad or good, so be..." He stopped
|
||
abruptly, glancing suspiciously about him. "Never mind! The
|
||
question here is: just exactly how do you JUMP out of sectors that
|
||
aren't supposed to accept any external commands, anyway?"
|
||
Captain Memory frowned. "What does that have to do with Lord
|
||
Foofaraw?"
|
||
"You know very well what it has to do with the case!" snapped
|
||
the detective. "Just answer the question!"
|
||
Suddenly, a light went on in Ernie's head. He suddenly
|
||
remembered how all the pieces fit together. "I know!" he shouted.
|
||
"The BUTLER DID IT!"
|
||
The butler blanched. "Hey, mon!" he cried out. "What chu
|
||
talkin' about? I don' do nothin'!"
|
||
The detective looked irritated. "Don't change the subject!" he
|
||
snapped. He turned back to Captain Memory. "Awright, youse guys!
|
||
Talk! Youse guys ain't gonna play me for a patsy!"
|
||
Ernie and the Fly looked at each other in confusion.
|
||
The detective continued. "You lousy two-bit gunsels think you
|
||
can take a rod and..." One of the Bobbies came in hurriedly, tapped
|
||
the detective on the shoulder, and whispered something in his ear.
|
||
"What...?!" the detective snapped. He laughed nervously. "Oh.
|
||
Right. BRITISH detective." He laughed again. "Pip pip! Cheerio! Eh,
|
||
wot?"
|
||
Ernie frowned. There was something very suspicious about this
|
||
detective. For one thing, his large, British-style handlebar
|
||
mustache did not seem to be attached to his face very well. It was
|
||
slowly drooping off one side of his face. There was something funny
|
||
about his clothes, too. The trenchcoat was okay, the hat was
|
||
okay...Maybe it was the jackboots?
|
||
Sterno gave the detective a pitiless glare. "You lost your
|
||
character!" he accused.
|
||
The detective laughed nervously. "Character? Vot character?
|
||
I'm not a character, I'm...uh..." He looked flustered. He elbowed
|
||
the bobby next to him. "Quick!" he whispered. "Who am I?" The bobby
|
||
whispered something in his ear.
|
||
The detective seemed to recover his composure somewhat. "Oh,
|
||
yes! Of course! I'm the famous British detective, Thomas Cheddar!"
|
||
Sterno's fur stood on end. " Oh, no! It's cheese! CHEESE!
|
||
RUN!" he wailed.
|
||
But it was too late. The detective whipped an evil-looking
|
||
weapon out from under his raincoat, which parted to reveal a black
|
||
SS uniform beneath it. "Enough of zis shtupidity!" he cried,
|
||
holding the foursome at bay. "You vill perhaps recognize me now,"
|
||
he said confidently. He screwed a monocle into one eye, and whipped
|
||
off the false handlebar mustache with a flourish. He immediately
|
||
regretted this, and winced with pain as the glue on the false
|
||
mustache tore out half the hairs of his real mustache. He quickly
|
||
regained his composure, however, and waited for some response from
|
||
the foursome.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at Ernie. Ernie shrugged.
|
||
The detective looked from one to the other. "You DO recognize
|
||
me, ja?" he asked, a bit uncertainly.
|
||
"I'm sure we've seen you someplace before," said Sterno
|
||
patronizingly.
|
||
"Of course," agreed Captain Memory. "It's on the tip of my
|
||
tongue! It's...uh..." He trailed off.
|
||
The Fly's antennae waved uncertainly. Suddenly, he brightened.
|
||
"Oh, I get it! It's a game, right? First syllable? Sounds like?" He
|
||
began gesticulating wildly. "I know! I know! It's Fred Astaire,
|
||
right? Fred Astaire?"
|
||
"Enough!" the detective shouted angrily. "I cannot believe dat
|
||
you do not recognize me, Sturmbannfuhrer Dr. Heinz von Liederkranz,
|
||
de most famous Nazi in all Televisionland. Obviously, you haff
|
||
recognized me all along, and you are chust toying vith me. Vell,"
|
||
he smiled evilly. "Ve shall see who toys vis who!"
|
||
Sterno frowned. "Whom," he corrected.
|
||
"Vot?!" snapped von Liederkranz.
|
||
"Whom," Sterno continued. "It's not `who toys with who', it's
|
||
`who toys with whom'."
|
||
Von Liederkranz's monocle dropped out of his eye. "Was fur ein
|
||
shtupid language! I haff no time for dis! We must get on vis de
|
||
questioning!" He smiled evilly.
|
||
"Okay," said Captain Memory agreeably. "Why do fools fall in
|
||
love?"
|
||
"Nein, dummkopf!" von Liederkranz shrieked. "I ask ze
|
||
questions!"
|
||
The Fly sulked. "Why do you always get to ask the questions?
|
||
How come we never get to ask any questions?"
|
||
"Quite right!" Sterno asserted. "And why must you always wear
|
||
that dreadful uniform?"
|
||
Von Liederkranz stopped, startled. "Uniform? Vot's wrong vis
|
||
my uniform?"
|
||
"I mean, really!" Sterno sniffed. "It's hardly the thing for
|
||
High Tea, is it? I should think a top hat..."
|
||
"Puttink on a top hat?" von Liederkranz asked incredulously.
|
||
"White tie, tails..." Sterno went on.
|
||
"Puttink on a white tie?" The Nazi seemed amazed.
|
||
"PUTTING ON THE RITZ!" The Fly shouted joyously, finishing the
|
||
line of the song. "I knew it! I knew it was Fred Astaire!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz drew himself up to his full height. "Ja, I DO
|
||
look a great deal like your Fred Astaire, nein?" Of course, he
|
||
didn't look anything like Fred Astaire, but no-one wanted to be the
|
||
one to tell him that.
|
||
"Oh yes," Sterno enthused insincerely. "You've all the
|
||
elegance, all the grace of the greatest dancer of all time!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz preened. "Ja, dat's right! I do!" Looking
|
||
down, he noticed Lord Foofaraw's top hat, which had rolled off his
|
||
head when he collapsed, dead. He picked it up, tossing his own
|
||
military cap aside. Using Lord Foofaraw's top hat and his own
|
||
riding crop as a cane, he attempted to do a Fred Astaire-style top-
|
||
hat-and-cane number. He began to do a few awkward, shuffling dance
|
||
steps. "Puttink on mein top hat..." he began to sing.
|
||
The `Bobbies' had by now shed their English policeman uniforms
|
||
to reveal their Nazi uniforms beneath. They were totally confused
|
||
by this turn of events. They shuffled about awkwardly, not knowing
|
||
what to do.
|
||
Von Liederkranz glared at them. "Sing!" he commanded. The
|
||
Nazi's lined up and formed a chorus line, swaying with the music,
|
||
singing off key "...puttink on mein white tie..."
|
||
Von Liederkranz attempted to do some slightly more complicated
|
||
steps, but succeeded only in knocking over the silver tray, sending
|
||
the tea cups and little plastic sandwiches crashing to the ground.
|
||
This threw the other Nazi's off their rhythm. Half of them
|
||
swayed left, and half swayed right, causing them to violently bump
|
||
into each other, knocking some off their feet. Their voices trailed
|
||
off.
|
||
"Sing!" von Liederkranz commanded ferociously.
|
||
The Nazi's resumed singing with feigned enthusiasm. "PUTTINK
|
||
ON DER RITZ!!
|
||
"I knew it!" the Fly enthused. "I knew it was Fred Astaire!
|
||
That means I win, right?"
|
||
Von Liederkranz and the Nazis began dancing gracelessly
|
||
towards the door that led to the hallway, singing "Dum de dum de
|
||
dum dum...." since they couldn't remember the rest of the words.
|
||
"Bravo!" Sterno applauded enthusiastically. "Keep it up,
|
||
you're doing great!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz grinned broadly and began dancing with greater
|
||
enthusiasm, although no better rhythm. He headed out the door and
|
||
down the hall, the Nazi chorus line crowding awkwardly behind him.
|
||
"Fabulous!" Sterno enthused. He signalled to Ernie, the Fly,
|
||
and Captain Memory, who caught the hint and began applauding as
|
||
well. "Wonderful! Tremendous!" they all cheered.
|
||
The Nazi's voices began receding down the hall. Sterno
|
||
gestured towards the French doors leading to the outside. The four
|
||
got up, and began tiptoeing towards them.
|
||
Suddenly, the heard a resounding crash coming from down the
|
||
hall. "Dummkopf! Schweinhund!" cried a voice, followed by the snap
|
||
of a riding crop.
|
||
"RUN!" cried Sterno. The foursome charged through the French
|
||
doors and went sprinting across the field behind the house.
|
||
In a few moments, the English Tudor mansion was out of view.
|
||
Peculiarly enough, as soon as they left the mansion it was mid-
|
||
afternoon again. The darkness seemed to have been confined to the
|
||
study. The four slowed down to a walk, exhausted and out of breath.
|
||
Ernie looked back. There was no sign of pursuit.
|
||
"Looks like they're still trying to get their act together,"
|
||
Captain Memory commented.
|
||
"That act has got, let's say, a few rough spots that need to
|
||
be ironed out," Sterno snickered. "I think they're going to be
|
||
working on it for rather a long time."
|
||
Ernie sighed with relief. Those Nazis made him very uneasy.
|
||
The four continued walking. They were in the midst of what
|
||
seemed to be many acres of lush, grassy meadow. A short distance
|
||
ahead Ernie spotted flock of sheep peacefully grazing.
|
||
"Sheep!" Ernie exclaimed.
|
||
"Really?" Sterno asked sarcastically. "How clever of you to
|
||
figure that out!"
|
||
A small group of sheep detached themselves from the flock and
|
||
walked up to the foursome. Ernie noticed that they looked much like
|
||
the other sheep in the flock, except for the fact that they were
|
||
wearing dark sunglasses. Looking closely, he could see that some of
|
||
them seemed to be carrying some objects that looked a lot like....,
|
||
hmm, well, like surfboards. "Baa!" the first sheep said, as if in
|
||
greeting.
|
||
"Baa Baa!" Sterno replied. The sheep seemed to respond
|
||
favorably to this.
|
||
"You speak their language?" Ernie was astounded.
|
||
"Of course," Sterno replied offhandedly. "I was always a great
|
||
student of foreign languages."
|
||
"But, what language do they speak?" Ernie wanted to know.
|
||
"Sheepish, of course," Sterno replied in a patronizing tone.
|
||
"Everybody knows THAT!"
|
||
The lead sheep continued. "Baa Baa Baa!"
|
||
"Ba?" inquired Sterno.
|
||
"Baa Baa Baa!" the lead sheep repeated vigorously.
|
||
A second later, the next sheep repeated the same thing, "Baa
|
||
Baa Baa!" And then the next sheep picked up the refrain; soon they
|
||
were all chanting "Baa Baa Baa." Suddenly, the lead sheep launched
|
||
into the main verse: "Baa Baa Baa, Baa Barbara Ann...."
|
||
"Oh, it's the Beach Sheep!" the Fly exclaimed.
|
||
By now the entire group of sheep had launched into the song,
|
||
in full chorus. "They're not bad," admitted Ernie.
|
||
"Even the President likes the Beach Sheep," the Fly asserted.
|
||
"Of course, they're not really the Beach Sheep," Sterno
|
||
explained.
|
||
"They're not?" the Fly seemed very disappointed.
|
||
"Don't be silly!" Sterno sniggered. "You couldn't expect the
|
||
real Beach Sheep to be performing in a little, out-of-the-way
|
||
meadow like this, could you? The only play the really big fields
|
||
nowadays!"
|
||
"Aww!" The Fly's antennae drooped.
|
||
"No," continued Sterno. "They're just one of a whole flock of
|
||
Beach Sheep impersonators. A good imitation, but not the real
|
||
thing."
|
||
Ernie thought a moment. "You mean, like Elvis impersonators?"
|
||
"The Sheepish equivalent," Sterno agreed.
|
||
Having finished their song, the Beach Sheep began discussing
|
||
something with Sterno in very serious tones. Ernie, of course,
|
||
couldn't understand a bleat of it, since it was all in Sheepish.
|
||
"So, what's the deal?" the Fly wanted to know.
|
||
"It seems the sheep have a problem," Sterno explained.
|
||
"They're being oppressed by one of their own kind, a cruel tyrant
|
||
who will stop at nothing to get his own way."
|
||
"Gee, that's tough," the Fly shook his head sadly.
|
||
"What's this tyrant called, anyway?" Ernie was curious.
|
||
Sterno paused dramatically. "They call him....the Wooly
|
||
Bully!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. That name seemed somehow familiar to him.
|
||
The Fly started snapping his fingers and humming. "Wooly
|
||
bully, wooly bully..."
|
||
"Will you STOP that!" barked Sterno. "Have some respect,
|
||
please! This is a serious problem!"
|
||
"Oh. Sorry." The Fly fell silent.
|
||
Sterno continued conversing with the sheep. "They're asking
|
||
our help in breaking free of this awful tyranny."
|
||
"Wooly Bully, that reminds me of something." Captain Memory
|
||
became thoughtful. "The Hully Gully, perhaps?"
|
||
The Fly's antennae perked up. "The Frug? The Jerk? The Mashed
|
||
Potato?" he suggested.
|
||
"The Swim?" Sterno added. "Or even, The TWIST?"
|
||
A brilliant idea occurred to Ernie. "I know! This must be `The
|
||
Land of 1,000 Dances!'"
|
||
Sterno turned to Ernie with a look of utter disgust. "Look,
|
||
we've been through this before, remember? `Fondue, chocolate,
|
||
watches, `Heidi'', remember?"
|
||
Ernie became subdued. "You're trying to tell me this is
|
||
Switzerland, right?"
|
||
The Fly's antennae twitched excitedly. "Oh, I remember that
|
||
now! `Land of 1,000 Dances!' That was a song by Cannibal and the
|
||
Headhunters!"
|
||
"Cannibal..." Ernie started. He thought for a moment. "On the
|
||
other hand," he went on. "Switzerland is fine! Chocolate,
|
||
`Heidi'..... Fine, just fine!"
|
||
"Well!" Sterno sniffed. "I'm glad THAT'S settled!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his wrist. "Watches? Did you say
|
||
watches?"
|
||
Ernie looked at the sheep. He noticed that each of them wore
|
||
rather a nice Swiss watch on one of their front forelegs.
|
||
Captain Memory continued to look at his bare wrist, and
|
||
sighed. "Oh dear, I'm afraid it's getting late. We'll have to be
|
||
going!"
|
||
Ernie was nonplussed. "Aren't we supposed to, like, help them
|
||
overthrow the evil ruler, or something?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "It's not my problem, you know? I
|
||
mean, we can't do everything!"
|
||
"Baa Baa!" said the lead sheep insistently.
|
||
"The sheep wants to know," Sterno translated. "If you can't
|
||
help overthrow the Wooly Bully, could you at least give him some
|
||
clue as to the whereabouts of his daughter? She's been missing
|
||
since yesterday, and he's afraid something terrible might have
|
||
happened to her, the poor little lamb!"
|
||
Ernie burped. Everyone turned to look at him. "Uh, who, me? I
|
||
don't know anything about it! Why would I know anything about it?"
|
||
He fidgeted uncomfortably, compulsively wiping his still-greasy
|
||
hands on his fur loincloth. "Stop looking at me like that!"
|
||
"I think we'd better get going!" said Captain Memory
|
||
decisively. "Now!"
|
||
The four turned to leave. Ernie looked back at the group of
|
||
sheep. He smiled weakly, trying to think of something nice to say
|
||
in Sheepish. "Ba!" he waved good-bye.
|
||
The lead sheep started, and rose up on his hind legs looking
|
||
very angry and offended.
|
||
"That was very rude!" Sterno reproved Ernie.
|
||
"Uh, what did I say?" asked Ernie, bewildered. "I only
|
||
meant..."
|
||
"After ALL!" Sterno continued. "You've never even met his
|
||
mother! And even if you had, I seriously doubt she would have
|
||
consented to do anything like that with YOU!"
|
||
"Gee, I'm sorry, I..." Ernie decided that perhaps the safest
|
||
thing to do was simply be quiet.
|
||
The four continued walking. Ernie noticed that it seemed to be
|
||
getting warmer. Substantially more humid, too. Even though he was
|
||
wearing only a loincloth, Ernie began to perspire. The others also
|
||
seemed to be feeling uncomfortable from the heat. All except
|
||
Captain Memory, who never seemed to be uncomfortable at all.
|
||
As the sun began to set, Ernie noticed that the vegetation
|
||
around them was different, now. The warm area they were heading
|
||
into seemed to full of tropical plants. Lush flowers and tall trees
|
||
loomed ahead of them. In fact, they seemed to heading into a
|
||
jungle.
|
||
Ernie noticed an object lying in the grass. It appeared to be
|
||
the broken remnants of a vandalized sign of some sort. Ernie could
|
||
just barely make out a few words through the layers of graffiti.
|
||
"Pooda....something," Ernie read. "No alcoholic beverages allowed.
|
||
Do not feed the..." The rest was gone. Something about it made
|
||
Ernie feel very uncomfortable.
|
||
"Um, is it really a good idea to be heading into the jungle at
|
||
night?" Ernie asked nervously.
|
||
"Oh, you're right," said Sterno sarcastically. "Let's just
|
||
check into a Holiday Inn instead!"
|
||
"Well, it's just that it's awfully, well...dark," Ernie
|
||
fidgeted.
|
||
"It gets that way at night," Sterno pointed out. "You know of
|
||
some way to prevent it, perhaps?"
|
||
Ernie eyed the thick jungle vegetation ahead of them with
|
||
misgivings. "What if there's, um, hostile natives or something?"
|
||
At that exact moment, drums began pounding in the distance.
|
||
Ernie began to feel very uneasy. "Do we have to go in there?" he
|
||
pleaded.
|
||
"No, not at all," Captain Memory pointed out. "We can just
|
||
stay here and wait for the Nazis to catch up with us, if you like!"
|
||
Ernie moaned. "No, that's okay. Let's just keep going!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "I dunno, nothing seems
|
||
to make you happy! You don't want to go, you don't want to stay...
|
||
You know, you really need to have a more positive attitude!"
|
||
"Yeah, right," Ernie grunted. They continued along the way
|
||
into the jungle. The vegetation seemed to swallow them up. The
|
||
heavy masses of green foliage on all sides seemed to offer little
|
||
possibility of escape. The continued along the trail, which became
|
||
ever narrower as they progressed.
|
||
"Look!" the Fly pointed ahead. It was now almost night. The
|
||
jungle before them was almost pitch black. However, off to the left
|
||
small points of light could be seen, weaving and bobbing in and out
|
||
of the foliage in the distance.
|
||
"What's that?" Ernie wanted to know. "Fireflies?"
|
||
"Torches!" the Fly corrected. "It's those villagers we saw in
|
||
the mountains! They've come to meet us! Isn't that nice?"
|
||
Ernie was still uneasy. "Are you sure they're friendly
|
||
villagers?"
|
||
The Fly peered into the distance. "They sure LOOK friendly! It
|
||
looks like they're having a party! They're all singing and
|
||
dancing!"
|
||
As the villagers approached, Ernie began to be able to make
|
||
out what they were singing. They were chanting rhythmically to the
|
||
beat of the drums. "Na, na na na na, na na na na,..."
|
||
Ernie frowned. "I KNOW that song! It's, um it's...."
|
||
"Sure!" the Fly broke in. "`Land of 1,000 Dances'! What a
|
||
great song!"
|
||
"AHA!" cried Ernie. "See, I told you! I was right!" He turned
|
||
to Sterno. "See? This is The Land of 1,000 Dances! I was right
|
||
after all!"
|
||
"You were not!" sniffed Sterno. "That was there, this is here!
|
||
That was Switzerland, this is the Land of 1,000 Dances!"
|
||
Ernie sulked. "Well, I was sort of right! Anyway, this is The
|
||
Land of 1,000 Dances, so those guys with the torches must be..." He
|
||
suddenly turned pale. "CANNIBAL AND THE HEADHUNTERS!!"
|
||
"Cool!" agreed the Fly. "Great band, huh?"
|
||
"What are we gonna DO!?" wailed Ernie.
|
||
Suddenly, they were distracted by a loud crashing in the
|
||
forest behind them. "Gottverdammter! Schweinhund!" The crack of a
|
||
riding crop could clearly be heard. They turned to see bright
|
||
fingers of white light, as though from high-powered flashlights,
|
||
probing through the foliage.
|
||
"Zey must be in here somevhere!" they heard a voice call out.
|
||
"Ze trail of isotope tracers from ze radioactive lamb chops leads
|
||
right zis vay!"
|
||
Ernie pressed his hands to his stomach. "I don't feel good,"
|
||
he moaned.
|
||
Ernie looked up to find the other three glaring at him. "How
|
||
was I to know the lamb chops were radioactive?" he protested
|
||
loudly. "Do you think I would have eaten them if I knew?"
|
||
"Ssh!" The four heard the voice behind them call out. "I tink
|
||
I hear zem!" Ernie quickly put a hand over his mouth.
|
||
Up ahead, the bobbing torchlights were weaving ever closer.
|
||
The pounding drums and chanting was getting louder. The chanting
|
||
had changed now. "Oom alla Boom!" Ernie could hear. "Oom alla
|
||
BOOM!" From behind, the searchlights were weaving ever more in
|
||
their direction, slowly beginning to focus in on their position.
|
||
Ernie whimpered quietly.
|
||
"Hey guys, look at this!" the Fly pointed to something in the
|
||
darkness. Off to the right, visible only to the Fly's huge insect
|
||
eyes, a faint trail split off from the main path. "Let's try this!"
|
||
The Fly hurried down the trail. The others followed as closely as
|
||
possible, so as not to get lost in the increasing darkness.
|
||
The four scampered along the dark, narrow path, attempting to
|
||
move quickly, but also quietly, and not doing a very good job of
|
||
either. The sounds of pursuit behind them seem to grow ever louder.
|
||
The trail led to a large clearing, and then stopped.
|
||
Surrounding the clearing was an impenetrable thicket of thorn
|
||
bushes. In the middle of the clearing was a large iron pot, big
|
||
enough for all four of them to fit into at the same time. It sat on
|
||
a large pile of neatly arranged firewood. A heap of neatly cut-up
|
||
potatoes and carrots lay nearby.
|
||
"I don't like the looks of this," Ernie moaned. He turned to
|
||
Captain Memory. "Can't you get us out of here?" he pleaded.
|
||
Captain Memory frowned. He seemed lost in thought. "Well, I
|
||
suppose it's worth a try," he said dubiously. With that, he turned
|
||
suddenly and slugged Ernie in the stomach, hard.
|
||
"Oof!" Ernie doubled over in pain. "Hey, what....BEEP BEEP
|
||
BEEP!" Ernie was astounded at the sounds coming out of his mouth.
|
||
"Good!" Captain Memory cheered. "It still works!"
|
||
Ernie coughed. "What..what still works?"
|
||
"The remote!" Captain Memory seemed particularly cheerful. "I
|
||
just remembered that a Franglian remote will still work, even if
|
||
you eat it! Quality construction, you know!" He nodded wisely. "I
|
||
paid a little extra, but it was worth it!"
|
||
The Captain regarded Ernie carefully. "The only problem is,
|
||
it's a little hard to press the buttons! Let me see..." Without
|
||
warning, he elbowed Ernie violently in the kidneys.
|
||
Ernie fell to the ground in pain. He opened his mouth: "BEEP
|
||
BOOP!"
|
||
Captain Memory looked embarrassed. "Oh, sorry. Wrong button!"
|
||
The toe of his boot slammed into Ernie's ribs. "BOOP BEEP!"
|
||
"There we go!" Captain Memory exulted. "Now we've got it!"
|
||
Ernie lay in the dirt, moaning. Captain Memory reached down to
|
||
help him to his feet. "Sorry about that," he apologized. "Still,
|
||
you have to expect that sort of thing if you're going to go around
|
||
eating remote control units!"
|
||
Ernie staggered to his feet, moaning.
|
||
"Look!" the Fly pointed up into the sky. A bright object
|
||
seemed to be descending in their direction.
|
||
Captain Memory looked at his bare wrist. "Ah, here he comes!
|
||
Right on time!" The Captain looked at his wrist more closely.
|
||
"Well, almost on time."
|
||
As the bright object approached, Ernie began to make it out
|
||
more clearly. It looked like, well, it looked like an overly-large
|
||
1957 Plymouth taxi. It had huge fins, two-tone paint, and rather a
|
||
lot of rust.
|
||
Captain Memory gestured proudly towards it as it came in for
|
||
a landing. "There it is, guys!" he announced proudly. "The Luna C!
|
||
Ain't she a beauty?"
|
||
Sterno glanced behind them. The sounds of commotion back on
|
||
the trail were increasing. "Not a moment too soon!" he muttered.
|
||
Ernie watched the Luna C as it approached for a landing. He
|
||
noticed that it seemed to be coming in rather fast. With a
|
||
deafening crash, the Luna C slammed into the ground, throwing a
|
||
cloud of dust and dirt in all directions. As the dust settled,
|
||
Ernie noticed a hubcap rolling listlessly away, finally coming to
|
||
a stop by a nearby tree.
|
||
Captain Memory winced, but then quickly regained his
|
||
composure. He started towards the spacecraft.
|
||
The driver's side door of the Luna C opened, and a lanky
|
||
individual with long, unkempt hair got out. He was wearing a loud
|
||
Hawaiian shirt, and dark sunglasses, even though it was night.
|
||
He waved at Captain Memory. "Hey dude, what's happenin'?"
|
||
"Hey, Ralph!" Captain Memory waved cheerily at the driver.
|
||
"This is my pilot, Ralph!" he introduced the man to the group, as
|
||
they all sprinted towards the spacecraft.
|
||
Sterno eyed the Luna C suspiciously. "This is your ship?"
|
||
"That's it!" Captain Memory waved at it proudly.
|
||
"Then how come it says `Taxi' on it?" Sterno asked pointedly.
|
||
Captain Memory's face fell. "Well...well... I was supposed to
|
||
get a limo! Well, they told me I could have a limo, but there was
|
||
this budget problem... Anyway, I could've had a company car, for
|
||
sure, except, um, there was that problem about my license. So,
|
||
anyway..." He trailed off uncomfortably.
|
||
"So you hadda take a cab!" Sterno finished for him.
|
||
"Well... well..." Flustered, Captain Memory broke off. "Yeah."
|
||
Ernie noticed that the sounds behind them were getting awfully
|
||
close. "Uh, could we talk about this someplace else?"
|
||
Captain Memory glanced back down the trail. "You're right!" He
|
||
turned to Ralph. "Let's cruise!"
|
||
Ralph looked uncomfortable. "Uh, I wanted to tell you, dude.
|
||
We got a little problem..."
|
||
"Let's talk about it on the way," he suggested, glancing back
|
||
down the trail. "The guys around here are, um, uncool!"
|
||
Ralph nodded understandingly. "I can dig it!" He got into the
|
||
driver's seat, while the other four piled into the roomy back seat.
|
||
Ralph shifted into `Fly', and stomped on the accelerator. The
|
||
Luna C instantly shot thirty feet straight up into the air,
|
||
violently flipped upside-down, and hung there, unmoving.
|
||
Ernie, Sterno, and the Fly suddenly found themselves upside-
|
||
down, in a very uncomfortable position, laying halfway on the roof
|
||
and halfway in their seats. Captain Memory and Ralph, however, were
|
||
sitting quite comfortably in their seats as though glued into them.
|
||
"So, like I was saying, dude," Ralph went on conversationally.
|
||
"We got this little problem..."
|
||
In the position he was in, Ernie could see the ground beneath
|
||
them quite clearly through the Luna C's large rear window. Their
|
||
seemed to be some kind of commotion taking place. The probing
|
||
searchlights and the bobbing torches seemed to have come together.
|
||
Ernie heard shouts, screams, machine-gun fire. Then, all was
|
||
silent.
|
||
After a few moments, the drums and chanting began again. "Oom
|
||
alla boom! Oom alla BOOM!" Ernie could see a fire being lit beneath
|
||
the huge iron pot. It looked as though the Cannibals were going to
|
||
have their feast, after all!
|
||
Ernie's attention returned to the conversation inside the
|
||
space taxi. Ralph was telling his story animatedly. "....so I wired
|
||
the framistatter to the quark generator..." Ralph could see that
|
||
Captain Memory was about to say something, but he cut him off.
|
||
"Yeah, I know you're not supposed to do it. I know, `Warning: Do
|
||
Not Bypass Overload Protection....' Who listens to that crap? So
|
||
anyway, it really kicked up the horsepower, you know what I mean?
|
||
And when the light turned green, man, I was outta there! Those guys
|
||
in the 'Vette, man, they couldn't believe it! You shoulda seen
|
||
their faces! It was...."
|
||
"So, what happened?" Captain Memory interrupted.
|
||
Ralph became suddenly subdued. "Okay, so maybe the left rear
|
||
antimatter coupler got toasted! It's no biggie! We'll stop at the
|
||
parts store, we'll pick up a new one! It's just a couple bucks! It
|
||
was worth it! You shoulda seen those guys' faces!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "I got some bad news for
|
||
you, Ralph. The parts store's closed."
|
||
"Oh, MAN!" Ralph was annoyed. "You mean we're gonna have to
|
||
hang out until the store opens? What a drag!" Ralph shook his head
|
||
unhappily. "So, like, when does it open?"
|
||
Captain Memory regarded his wrist carefully. "Let's see, it's
|
||
9:30 right now.... So, I would say, it'll probably open in about,
|
||
oh, two billion years!"
|
||
"Oh, MAN!" Ralph was really upset. "I can't wait two billion
|
||
years! I got a date on Friday!"
|
||
Ernie whimpered. "Does that mean the ship won't fly?"
|
||
"Hey, be cool!" Ralph said comfortingly. "Sure it'll fly! It's
|
||
just a little, uh, handling problem! That's all! Fly's great! Just
|
||
doesn't, uh, handle exactly right!" It was beginning to occur to
|
||
Ralph that perhaps wiring the framisttater to the quark generator
|
||
might not have been such a good idea, after all.
|
||
"Handling problem?" inquired Sterno, and he wriggled about
|
||
trying to find a comfortable position in the upside-down vehicle.
|
||
"Is this part of the `handling problem'?"
|
||
"Hey, it flies fine!" Ralph insisted. "So, maybe it's upside-
|
||
down! I mean..."
|
||
"And sideways!" Captain Memory reminded Ralph.
|
||
"Oh, yeah," Ralph became quiet. "Sideways. Okay, so it only
|
||
goes upside-down and sideways. Hey, it's no biggie! It gets you
|
||
where you're going, right? Okay, so maybe you wouldn't want to take
|
||
any long trips in it right now, but it get's you.... Uh, well, it
|
||
gets you to the parts store!" he concluded triumphantly.
|
||
"The parts store's closed, Ralph," Captain Memory reminded him
|
||
gently.
|
||
The Fly's antennae suddenly quivered. "I know!" he said
|
||
excitedly. "How about Road Service? Can you call for a tow?"
|
||
Ralph fidgeted uncomfortably. "Well, um, I sorta been having
|
||
this problem with the towing company... There's this, um, unpaid
|
||
balance...."
|
||
Ernie and the Fly looked at Captain Memory. He shrugged. "Hey,
|
||
I don't got insurance, you know?"
|
||
Captain Memory suddenly perked up. "Hey Ralph!" he cried.
|
||
"What about Warp drive?"
|
||
Ralph brightened, and then slowly resumed his glum expression.
|
||
"Uh, well, I don't think you wanna use the Warp drive right now,"
|
||
he shook his head sadly.
|
||
Captain Memory frowned. "Why not?"
|
||
Ralph fidgeted. "Well, it's been kinda acting up a little," he
|
||
explained. "I been meaning to get something done about it. Just
|
||
yesterday, I said to myself `Ralph, you know you really oughta get
|
||
that warp drive took care of' But, uh, you know, it's like fifty
|
||
credits minimum just to have 'em look at it, and, uh..." He trailed
|
||
off.
|
||
Captain Memory looked confused. "Didn't you get the Repair
|
||
Requisition Voucher from the Main Office?"
|
||
Ralph looked very uncomfortable. "Um, uh, yeah. Well, the
|
||
other night me and the boys was playing a little cards, see, and I
|
||
had this great hand! I had three Galaxies! How could I lose, right?
|
||
But I was all outta chips! All I had left was the Voucher, so I
|
||
said..."
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "That's against the
|
||
rules, Ralph!"
|
||
Ralph sighed. "Well, how was I to know the other guy had five
|
||
Nebulae? You know what the odds against that are?"
|
||
Ernie racked his brains for a solution to the problem. "Maybe
|
||
we could just, sort of, give it a try," he suggested hopefully.
|
||
Ralph sighed. "Well, I thought of that, but last time I tried
|
||
it, I wound up in, um, Dimension 9!"
|
||
Captain Memory was startled. "Dimension 9! Oh, no wonder!" He
|
||
chuckled. "You sure don't wanna wind up in Dimension 9, do you?"
|
||
Ralph nodded his head glumly. "That's for sure!" They all fell
|
||
silent.
|
||
After a few minutes, Ernie heard the sound of snoring. He
|
||
squinted through the near-complete darkness, the only light coming
|
||
from the lights on the dashboard. Ralph seemed to have dropped off
|
||
to sleep. Captain Memory seemed to be nodding as well. Lacking any
|
||
better ideas, Ernie slowly worked himself around to a comfortable
|
||
position, and fell asleep as well.
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 9
|
||
|
||
It was dawn when Ernie awoke. During the night, the Luna C
|
||
seemed to have drifted quietly to the ground, and was now lying on
|
||
it's top in the dirt. Ernie peered out the windows. The clearing
|
||
was deserted, but signs of last night's revelry remained. The large
|
||
iron pot was tipped over on it's side, empty. Various bones lay
|
||
scattered about. Lying here and there was what appeared to be an
|
||
occasional jackboot. Ernie tried not to look at them.
|
||
After a few moments, the others began to stir. The Fly moaned.
|
||
"Oh man, I hate sleeping in the car! Look at my suit! It's all
|
||
rumpled!" Only Sterno seemed comfortable, curled up in a doglike
|
||
position on the ceiling of the upside-down space taxi.
|
||
Ernie twisted uncomfortably. He was feeling very stiff and
|
||
achy after sleeping in an odd position in the car. Thinking about
|
||
it, his stomach didn't feel very good, either.
|
||
Captain Memory blinked confusedly and looked around. Ralph
|
||
yawned. The Captain looked pointedly at Ralph. "Well," he said
|
||
unhappily. "I guess there's no getting around it, is there?"
|
||
"Oh, no," said Ralph dejectedly.
|
||
"You gotta do it," Captain Memory shook his head despondently.
|
||
"You're gonna have to call the office."
|
||
"Oh MAN!" Ralph didn't seem to like this idea at all. "I hate
|
||
calling the office! They always give me a hard time! They'll
|
||
probably leave me on hold forever, too!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "It's gotta be done,
|
||
Ralph!"
|
||
Ralph sighed. "Oh, okay." He reached under the seat and pulled
|
||
out what appeared to be a car phone. He picked up the handset and
|
||
dialed, looking very glum.
|
||
"Hi Stella, it's Ralph." Ernie could only hear Ralph's side of
|
||
the conversation. Ralph seemed upset. "Look Stella, don't start up
|
||
with me, okay? I'm having a bad day, okay? Look, it wasn't my
|
||
fault! Anyway, I gotta talk to the boss, is he... Oh no, Stella,
|
||
don't put me on..." Suddenly, Ralph froze into immobility. Ernie
|
||
peered at him. Ralph was absolutely motionless, like a statue. He
|
||
didn't even seem to be breathing.
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory. "What happened to Ralph?"
|
||
Captain Memory seemed unconcerned. "Oh, they put him on
|
||
`hold'."
|
||
"On `Hold'?" Ernie was uncomprehending.
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "Well, you know, they always do that
|
||
when you want to talk to the boss. You can't expect him to drop
|
||
everything just to talk to YOU, can you?" The Captain chuckled at
|
||
the thought.
|
||
Ernie peered at Ralph. "He's not breathing!"
|
||
"No, he doesn't need to. He's in suspended animation," the
|
||
Captain explained, yawning and stretching. "That way, you're not
|
||
aware of how much time has passed while you're waiting for your
|
||
connection!"
|
||
Ernie frowned. "I don't think I'd like that."
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "I guess they feel it's kinder that
|
||
way," he conjectured.
|
||
"`Kinder?'" Ernie was having a hard time with all of this.
|
||
"It's either that or Muzak," Sterno explained.
|
||
"Oh." Ernie considered this. "Yeah, I guess suspended
|
||
animation would be better!" He looked over at Ralph. "So, how long
|
||
is he gonna be like that?"
|
||
"Let me see..." Captain Memory examined his bare wrist
|
||
closely. "It's ten o'clock now, so I'd say, oh, about two billion
|
||
years."
|
||
"Two billion years!" Ernie was aghast.
|
||
"Look at the bright side," Captain Memory went on cheerfully.
|
||
"By then, the parts store will be open!"
|
||
Ernie moaned. "What are we supposed to do in the meantime?"
|
||
Captain Memory frowned. "Good point! We can't very well sit
|
||
around here, can we?" He chuckled. "Might as well hit the road!" He
|
||
opened the car door, and flipped himself neatly around from his
|
||
current sitting position, which was, of course, upside-down
|
||
relative to the others, and landed neatly on his feet on the ground
|
||
outside. He turned to Ernie. "Coming?"
|
||
Ernie crawled painfully out through the open car door, and
|
||
struggled to his feet on the ground outside.
|
||
The group assembled themselves outside the upside-down taxi,
|
||
all of them stretching and yawning. Ernie peered into the interior
|
||
of the taxi until he spotted his coffee maker, which he carefully
|
||
retrieved. He stood up beside the taxi, and looked about
|
||
confusedly.
|
||
Sterno seemed to have regained his composure more quickly than
|
||
the other members of the group. "What is this `Office' that you and
|
||
Ralph were talking about?" he asked Captain Memory pointedly.
|
||
The Captain looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Well, uh, you
|
||
know, everybody's got to work for a living..." He trailed off.
|
||
"You mean you're not a full-time Super Hero?" the Fly
|
||
inquired. He seemed disappointed.
|
||
Captain Memory shuffled awkwardly. "Well, uh, you know, Super
|
||
Hero-ing doesn't pay too good..."
|
||
"What exactly do you do at this `Office'?" Ernie wanted to
|
||
know.
|
||
"Oh, you know, a little programming..." The Captain seemed
|
||
evasive.
|
||
"Oh," said Sterno with relish. "This is beginning to make a
|
||
lot more sense to me now! THAT'S how you manage to do all these
|
||
tricky things here in Cyberspace! You're using the Company
|
||
computer! You've got a mainframe to work with, don't you?"
|
||
"Well..." Captain Memory seemed very uncomfortable.
|
||
Sterno continued. "I bet you're not running all this from a
|
||
PC!"
|
||
"Well, no," the Captain admitted. "I got a Cray."
|
||
"A CRAY!?" Even Ernie, who knew very little about computers,
|
||
had heard of the awesome power of a Cray.
|
||
"Well, it's not mine, personally, you understand," the Captain
|
||
began defensively.
|
||
"In other words," Sterno said reflectively. "You're using the
|
||
Company's Cray to break into Waldo Stadium's stolen systems and
|
||
free the Cyberslaves." Sterno's eyes narrowed. "Aren't you supposed
|
||
to be doing something more productive?"
|
||
"Hey, this is important!" Captain Memory insisted indignantly.
|
||
"Anyway, it's part of R & D, you know? After all, I could...."
|
||
He was suddenly interrupted by the thunderous BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! of
|
||
jungle drums. A distant chanting reached their ears. Ernie
|
||
struggled to make it out. It seemed to be something like "Oom alla
|
||
boom, YUM YUM YUM!"
|
||
"Maybe we should, um, get moving?" Ernie suggested.
|
||
"Uh, sure!" The Captain agreed, glad to change the subject.
|
||
"Let's go!" He began striding purposefully forward. He walked right
|
||
up to an impenetrable thicket, and stopped, looking at it
|
||
confusedly.
|
||
"How about this trail?" Ernie suggested, pointing to a narrow
|
||
path that led through the underbrush in the opposite direction from
|
||
the trail they had come in on. It was also, luckily, leading the
|
||
opposite direction from the jungle drums.
|
||
Captain Memory snapped his fingers. "Of course! That's it! A
|
||
trail! We need a trail! Now, why didn't I think of that?"
|
||
"Good question," Sterno agreed.
|
||
Captain Memory headed purposefully down the trail; the others
|
||
following behind him.
|
||
Within seconds the forest seemed to close in around them.
|
||
Ernie could see nothing around him but dense underbrush. All he
|
||
could see ahead of him was Captain Memory's back. He supposed that
|
||
he didn't have much alternative except to just keep moving along
|
||
the trail. At least the sound of the jungle drums was diminishing.
|
||
Ernie began to be aware of a sound in the distance. A sort of
|
||
whooshing sound. It sounded almost like distant traffic noises. He
|
||
considered it. It was probably just the wind in the trees, he
|
||
decided.
|
||
Captain Memory stopped abruptly, causing Ernie to just about
|
||
pile into his back. "Hmm," he said, peering intently forward.
|
||
"You can get through that opening right there," the Fly's
|
||
voice came from behind. As usual, his hyper-acute vision had
|
||
spotted details which everyone else missed.
|
||
Captain Memory pushed through a narrow gap in the bushes. The
|
||
others followed.
|
||
Pushing through the dense brush Ernie emerged on to.... a
|
||
clearing? No, it was a lawn. A big mowed lawn. About fifty yards
|
||
ahead was a large parking lot, followed by a huge chrome-and-glass
|
||
office building. In the distance was what appeared to be a major
|
||
highway, from which Ernie could hear what were, indeed, traffic
|
||
sounds.
|
||
"HEY!" A gruff voice interrupted them.
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie looked around confusedly.
|
||
"Get outta da flower bed!" Ernie looked down. He was standing
|
||
on top of a dozen beautiful, but crushed, tulips.
|
||
"NOW!" the voice demanded. Ernie rushed forward onto the
|
||
grass, destroying dozens more beautiful flowers in the process.
|
||
Ernie looked back to see the rest of the group carefully picking
|
||
their way forward through the flowers, careful not to cause any
|
||
more damage.
|
||
Ernie looked up to see the owner of the gruff voice
|
||
approaching. He was a short, heavy-set man in coveralls, smoking a
|
||
cigar. He appeared to be the groundskeeper.
|
||
He glanced at the group, and singled out Ernie. "Look whatcha
|
||
did to my flowers! Whatsa matter with you kids, anyway? You wanna
|
||
use the Park, you follow the rules! You stay on the trail, you
|
||
don't go walking through the flower beds!"
|
||
"Park?" Ernie was uncomprehending.
|
||
"Poodawumpus Park!" the gardener repeated insistently. "What
|
||
you just came outta! You stay on the trail, you follow the signs,
|
||
you don't be tearin' up the bushes!" He glared at the entire group.
|
||
"Um, we didn't see any signs," the Fly said carefully.
|
||
"Aaah, the damn kids tore up the signs again! Little brats!
|
||
I'll kill 'em!" The groundskeeper chomped his cigar angrily.
|
||
"Um, there were these natives..." Ernie began uncertainly.
|
||
"Yeah, o' course there's natives! It's a nature park! There's
|
||
natural natives in it!" He looked at Ernie suspiciously. "You
|
||
didn't feed the natives, didja?"
|
||
"No, no!" Ernie protested. "We didn't even get near 'em!"
|
||
"Good!" The groundskeeper seemed slightly placated. "They eat
|
||
what's not on their diet, it makes 'em sick!" He continued to
|
||
regard the group suspiciously. "You didn't leave no junk in there,
|
||
didja? Damn kids party in there on weekends, leave the trail fulla
|
||
junk! I once hadda haul a whole junk car outta there!" He glared
|
||
accusingly at the foursome.
|
||
"No, no," Ernie protested. "We're real neat. We never litter!"
|
||
"We don't allow no dogs on the trail, neither!" He glared at
|
||
Sterno. "Sign says so, right at da entrance!"
|
||
"Um, we didn't see..." the Fly began.
|
||
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Damn kids stole da sign! Awright, I'll
|
||
letcha off dis time, but next time I swear I'm gonna calla cops!"
|
||
"We're real sorry!" Ernie began edging away. "It won't happen
|
||
again!" The group started moving slowly in the direction of the
|
||
office building.
|
||
"Yeah, yeah," the groundskeeper was looking ruefully at his
|
||
crushed flowers.
|
||
The Fly shook his head. "Boy, is he gonna be mad when he finds
|
||
the Luna..."
|
||
"Sssh!" Sterno warned.
|
||
"What?!" the groundskeeper turned back to them.
|
||
"Uh, have a nice day!" Ernie said quickly. "Good-bye!" He
|
||
waved cheerfully, and started walking quickly towards the office
|
||
building. The others followed.
|
||
Ernie was confused. "Why is there an office building here?" he
|
||
asked Captain Memory.
|
||
The Captain thought about it for a moment. "Looks like it's
|
||
somebody's architecture program."
|
||
"I've heard of that," Sterno commented. "The architects model
|
||
a building in Virtual Reality, so that the clients can see if they
|
||
like it or not before it's actually built."
|
||
"Well, we might as well take a look at their handiwork," the
|
||
Captain decided.
|
||
The continued over the large parking lot that lay in front of
|
||
them. It was almost empty; only an occasional car was parked here
|
||
and there. They soon reached the doors of the building and entered.
|
||
In front of them lay a small, utilitarian lobby, typical of
|
||
cheaply-constructed office buildings. In the center of the lobby
|
||
was a booth marked "Information", but there was no-one manning it.
|
||
Most of the offices appeared to be closed.
|
||
On the wall was a directory to the offices in the building,
|
||
which the Fly was reading carefully. "Mostly lawyers," he said
|
||
ruefully.
|
||
"We may need a lawyer after all the damage HE's caused,"
|
||
Sterno said, looking at Ernie accusingly.
|
||
"Me!" Ernie protested.
|
||
"Oh, look!" the Fly broke in. "There's an office that's open!"
|
||
He pointed down a long corridor.
|
||
"Great!" Ernie enthused, glad for an opportunity to change the
|
||
subject. "Maybe we can go in and ask..." He stopped, and looked at
|
||
Captain Memory expectantly. "Uh, what should we ask them?"
|
||
"Good idea!" Captain Memory agreed, although Ernie wasn't
|
||
exactly sure what it was that the Captain was agreeing with. The
|
||
Captain started off briskly down the hall, in the direction of the
|
||
open office. The other three followed behind him.
|
||
"Ah, good, you're here! We've been expecting you!" An
|
||
efficient-looking receptionist in a crisp white uniform greeted
|
||
them cheerfully.
|
||
"See?" the Fly pointed out brightly. "They've been expecting
|
||
us! Therefore, we must be in the right place!" The Fly was quite
|
||
pleased with this leap of logic.
|
||
Ernie looked around. They were in a large waiting room,
|
||
decorated in doctor's office green. The room was filled with rows
|
||
of chairs, and an occasional table, on which there lay heaps of
|
||
very old magazines. In the background some easy-listening music was
|
||
playing quietly. There was, as usual, no-one else there. Ernie
|
||
moaned. "Oh, man! Why would they be expecting us? We're not even
|
||
supposed to be here! What's going ON!?"
|
||
The Fly shook his head. "I dunno, man, sometimes you can be
|
||
just, such a downer! Why don't you like, lighten up a little?"
|
||
"Obviously," sniffed Sterno. "We must be in the right place,
|
||
because they are, after all, expecting us! How could they be
|
||
expecting us if we weren't in the right place?"
|
||
"But..." Ernie began. The receptionist interrupted.
|
||
"The doctor will see you now." She opened a door to another
|
||
room.
|
||
"Oh, good!" The Fly was pleased. "You know, I've been having
|
||
this pain in my neck..." He began rubbing it vigorously. "Maybe he
|
||
can give me something for it!" He strode purposefully through the
|
||
door.
|
||
Ernie shuffled uncomfortably. "I hate going to the doctor!"
|
||
"Oh, come ON!" Sterno stood impatiently behind Ernie. "Don't
|
||
be such a baby about it!"
|
||
Ernie sighed, and followed the Fly, accompanied by Sterno and
|
||
Captain Memory.
|
||
They found themselves in a large room, with a dozen chairs set
|
||
in a circle. A few of the chairs were occupied. In one, a fat blond
|
||
woman sat, nervously munching something from a bag on her lap. Two
|
||
chairs to the left sat a very depressed looking young man, wringing
|
||
his hands constantly and moaning quietly. He looked steadfastly at
|
||
the floor, never looking up. A little further on sat a dishevelled,
|
||
wild-eyed man who kept constantly lighting matches. Every time one
|
||
lit, he would laugh hysterically.
|
||
Against one wall was a chair that was larger than the others.
|
||
In it sat an older man in an old fashioned, black suit. He was
|
||
bald, with a goatee beard, and smoked a cigar. He carried a
|
||
notepad, and seemed to be taking notes on everything that was
|
||
happening. He looked up.
|
||
"Ah, gut!" He smiled at the foursome. "You are chust in time
|
||
for ze group therapy session! Please, sit down." He gestured
|
||
towards the empty chairs on the opposite side of the room from the
|
||
other patients. The foursome sat down. Ernie carefully placed the
|
||
coffee maker by his side.
|
||
"Oh, you must be the doctor!" The Fly observed. He looked
|
||
around confusedly. "But, what kind of doctor are you?"
|
||
"A psychiatrist, of course!" The doctor replied. "You have
|
||
been having, hmm, some problems in regard to your appearance, ja?"
|
||
"That's right!" The Fly was amazed. He turned to the others.
|
||
"I wonder how he knew that?"
|
||
Sterno looked at the doctor's cigar excitedly. "I say, you
|
||
wouldn't happen to have an extra cigar, would you?" The
|
||
psychiatrist produced one from an inner pocket of his jacket.
|
||
"Thanks ever so much!" Sterno lit the cigar, and puffed
|
||
contentedly.
|
||
Ernie was suspicious. "You've got a German accent!" he said
|
||
accusingly.
|
||
The psychiatrist drew himself up, looking very offended.
|
||
"Dat's an AUSTRIAN accent!" he sniffed. "I have studied in Vienna
|
||
with ze great Dr. Freud himself!" He peered closely at Ernie. "Zo,
|
||
you have zis feeling zat you are being persecuted, ja? Zat everyone
|
||
is against you?"
|
||
Ernie was taken aback. "Well, um, now that you mention it,
|
||
yeah!"
|
||
"Chust as ve thought!" the psychiatrist said, scribbling
|
||
something on his notepad. "Classic paranoia!"
|
||
Ernie was about to protest, when suddenly the door opened, and
|
||
two more patients entered. Ernie looked up, and then moaned. It was
|
||
Lucy and Desi.
|
||
"Hi, guys!" Lucy waved brightly to the foursome.
|
||
"Chick-a-BOOM!" agreed Desi. He seemed to have acquired a new
|
||
Cuban shirt, and another pair of maracas. They sat down on the
|
||
unoccupied chairs across from the psychiatrist.
|
||
"Gut!" exclaimed the doctor. "Now ve are all here; ve can
|
||
begin!" He turned to Lucy. "Now, Lucy, last veek you vere telling
|
||
us about your problem..."
|
||
"Oh, doctor!" Lucy exclaimed. "It's all those TV shows from
|
||
Earth! They're driving me crazy!"
|
||
"Ach, zo!" The psychiatrist exclaimed quietly. "Und, vhy is
|
||
dat?"
|
||
"Oh, doctor!" Lucy exclaimed again. "Every time we turn on our
|
||
Vidicom sets on my home planet, all we get is old TV shows from
|
||
Earth! Our sets are very sensitive, and your signals keep drowning
|
||
ours out!"
|
||
"I zee," said the doctor thoughtfully. "Und you find
|
||
zis...upsetting?"
|
||
"Oh, doctor!" cried Lucy again. "We're not humans! We're
|
||
reptiles! We don't wanna watch Earth TV shows! They're all about
|
||
mammals! `Lassie!' `My Friend Flicka!' `Leave it to Beaver!'
|
||
They're all MAMMALS! We want to watch our OWN TV shows! About
|
||
REPTILES!" She seemed very upset.
|
||
"Ach zo," the doctor nodded. "Und you think dat if you conquer
|
||
ze Earth, you vould feel better, ja?"
|
||
"Oh doctor!" Lucy seemed very agitated. "Don't you see? We've
|
||
got to do something to stop those TV signals! We just can't stand
|
||
it anymore! They're driving us CRAZY!"
|
||
The doctor nodded thoughtfully, scribbling notes on his pad.
|
||
He thought for a moment. "But, you are 40 light years from here, so
|
||
you are just now receiving signals from 40 years ago, ja?"
|
||
"Yes?" Lucy agreed tentatively.
|
||
"Zo," the psychiatrist continued thoughtfully. "Even if you
|
||
stop ze signals today, you vill continue to receive ze signals zat
|
||
have already been sent. You vill continue to receive ze Earth TV
|
||
shows..." He paused expectantly. "...for ze NEXT 40 YEARS!"
|
||
"NO!" Lucy screamed. She buried her face in her arms, sobbing
|
||
hysterically. "I can't stand it! I just can't stand it!" She
|
||
continued to sob uncontrollably. Ricky patted her back. "Chick-a-
|
||
BOOM!" he said commiseratingly.
|
||
The Fly's eyes clouded sympathetically. "Aw, gee!" His
|
||
antennae waved in consternation. "I hate to see a woman cry!"
|
||
Sterno nodded sagely. "I suppose I can see her point." He
|
||
thought for a moment. "I've always rather enjoyed `Lassie',
|
||
though."
|
||
A thought popped into Ernie's head. "What about `Rin-Tin-
|
||
Tin'?"
|
||
"Not bad," Sterno agreed thoughtfully, puffing on his cigar.
|
||
He looked almost like a canine version of the psychiatrist. "And
|
||
then there's `Sgt. Preston of the Yukon'. It wouldn't be a bad
|
||
show, if only King could get rid of that silly fellow in the red
|
||
suit!"
|
||
"MAMMALS!" Lucy screamed, sobbing with renewed intensity.
|
||
The psychiatrist stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Zere is,
|
||
perhaps, a solution!"
|
||
"Yes?" Lucy looked up expectantly, her makeup streaked by
|
||
tears. It seemed to Ernie that he could see a hint of something
|
||
green beneath it.
|
||
"Perhaps... ze time machine!" the doctor seemed deep in
|
||
thought.
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory in confusion. "Time machine?"
|
||
he whispered.
|
||
"It isn't a real time machine," the Captain explained. It's a
|
||
Virtual time machine. You aren't actually travelling through time,
|
||
but you might as well be. Like when we went back to four billion
|
||
B.C."
|
||
"Oh." Ernie was not exactly following this, but he noticed the
|
||
others glaring at him, so he decided to stop.
|
||
The psychiatrist continued. "Perhaps, you could go back in
|
||
time, back 40 years, und stop zese signals before zey start?"
|
||
"Oh doctor!" Lucy cried hopefully. "Do you really think it
|
||
would work?"
|
||
"Stop TV!?" cried the Fly, obviously very upset at the
|
||
thought. "Oh, no! How could we survive without TV!? It would be the
|
||
end of... of..." The Fly tried hard to think what it would be the
|
||
end of. "Of civilization AS WE KNOW IT!" he cried triumphantly.
|
||
"True," the psychiatrist agreed pensively. Lucy's eyes began
|
||
to fill with tears.
|
||
"But, perhaps..." the doctor continued slowly. Lucy peered at
|
||
him expectantly.
|
||
The psychiatrist went on. "Perhaps it would not be stopped,
|
||
but chust changed a little. So dot it vould not be a bother to ze
|
||
space creatures!"
|
||
Lucy sat up excitedly. "Oh, yes! Yes!" She turned to Ricky.
|
||
"Oh, Ricky! We could do it! I know we could do it! If only we had
|
||
a time machine!"
|
||
The psychiatrist smiled. "Vell, as a matter of fact, I chust
|
||
happen to have one right here..." He gestured towards a door that
|
||
Ernie had assumed was a closet.
|
||
Ernie was, once again, suspicious. "What would a psychiatrist
|
||
be doing with a time machine?" he wanted to know.
|
||
"Oh, it is chust ze thing for ze childhood trauma," the doctor
|
||
explained. "You go back in time, prevent ze traumatic incident, und
|
||
ze patient is cured!"
|
||
Ernie had to admit that this did, in fact, sound reasonable.
|
||
The psychiatrist peered intently at Ernie. "Vhen did you first
|
||
notice dat you felt suspicious of everyone?"
|
||
Ernie was somewhat taken aback by this sudden change in
|
||
questioning. "Um, actually," he though about it. "It started when
|
||
I first went into the Virtual Arcade..."
|
||
"Bye, guys!" Lucy interrupted. She and Ricky were standing at
|
||
the door of the closet, or time machine, or whatever it was. "We're
|
||
going into the past now, so we probably won't be seeing you
|
||
anymore!"
|
||
"Take it easy!" cried the Fly cheerfully. He was relieved that
|
||
Lucy had stopped crying.
|
||
"Um..." A thought occurred to Ernie. "Does that mean that
|
||
you're not going to needing my brain, after all?"
|
||
Lucy's brow furled thoughtfully. She looked at Ricky. He
|
||
shrugged. "No, I guess you might as well just keep it." Ernie
|
||
sighed in relief. Lucy continued, "If it turns out we need it after
|
||
all, we'll get back to you, okay?"
|
||
"Uh, yeah..." Ernie fidgeted uncomfortably. He had hoped that
|
||
the problem would go away completely, but that seemed to be too
|
||
much to expect. At least he didn't have to worry about it right
|
||
now!
|
||
Lucy opened the door to the time machine. She waved at the
|
||
foursome. "See you...uh...later? Uh, earlier?" She looked confused.
|
||
She turned to Ricky. "Bye!" he said, and ushered Lucy into the
|
||
machine. The door closed behind them.
|
||
Captain Memory yawned. He was finding this all rather boring.
|
||
"I wonder what's on TV?" he mused, pulling out the TV guide. A look
|
||
of concern came over his face.
|
||
Ernie noticed this. "What's the matter?"
|
||
"It's the programs," the Captain said, looking distressed.
|
||
"They've, um, changed!"
|
||
"Changed?" Ernie was uncomprehending. "Changed how?"
|
||
"Well, for instance," the Captain explained. "Instead of `I
|
||
Love Lucy', there's now `I Wanna Donna', starring Donna the Iguana,
|
||
and her husband Ricky the Reptile. In fact," Captain Memory flipped
|
||
through the pages quickly. "They all seem to be Reptile shows!"
|
||
Ernie buried his face in his hands. "Oh, no! Now, instead of
|
||
them having to watch our shows, we have to watch THEIR shows!"
|
||
Cm continued calmly perusing the TV Guide. "Aside from that,
|
||
they're pretty much the same. The plots seem to be about the same."
|
||
He chuckled. "Oh, look! Here's the episode where Ricky Jr.
|
||
hatches!"
|
||
Sterno seemed lost in thought. "That reptile lady's name
|
||
wasn't really Lucy, was it?" he asked the psychiatrist.
|
||
"Oh, no," agreed the doctor. "Dat's only her stage name!"
|
||
Sterno's eyes narrowed. "Her real name wouldn't, by any
|
||
chance, happen to be...." He paused for effect. "...DONNA, would
|
||
it?" He watched the psychiatrist closely.
|
||
The doctor fidgeted uncomfortably. "Uh, I'm, um, not allowed
|
||
to divulge personal information about...."
|
||
Sterno cut him off. "Just as we thought!" Sterno puffed his
|
||
cigar contemplatively. "You know, some people will do anything to
|
||
get into show biz!"
|
||
The Fly's antennae waved worriedly. "I don't know if I'm going
|
||
to like watching Reptile shows all the time!"
|
||
The psychiatrist regained his composure. "Vith every
|
||
successful therapy, there is always a period of readjustment for ze
|
||
family. In time, you vill learn to deal vith dis new situation."
|
||
He turned to Captain Memory. "Und you must be ze one vis ze
|
||
amnesia problem!"
|
||
The Captain looked up. "Who, me?"
|
||
"Dat's right!" the psychiatrist looked at him intently. "You
|
||
have ze amnesia, ja?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked confused. "Not that I recall!"
|
||
"Chust as ve thought!" the doctor said triumphantly,
|
||
scribbling furiously on his notepad.
|
||
All of this was making Ernie very uncomfortable. "Hey guys,"
|
||
he whispered to the others. "I think maybe we ought to get going!"
|
||
"What IS your problem?" said Sterno loudly.
|
||
"Um, uh..." Everyone was looking at Ernie. He didn't know what
|
||
to say.
|
||
The Fly looked puzzled. "Is something the matter?"
|
||
"Oh, don't pay any attention to him," scoffed Sterno,
|
||
gesturing in Ernie's direction. "He's just paranoid!"
|
||
"I am not!" said Ernie defensively.
|
||
The Fly seemed confused. "Paranoids never admit they're
|
||
paranoid," explained Sterno.
|
||
"Please, please, gentlemen," the psychiatrist broke in. "Ve
|
||
must return to ze topic. Everyone vill get his turn to speak." He
|
||
tuned to Ernie reassuringly. "Ve must not allow our paranoia to
|
||
carry us away, ja?" He smiled. It seemed to Ernie that the smile
|
||
wasn't very friendly. But then, he thought, that's what a paranoid
|
||
would think! Could it be that the doctor was right, and that he,
|
||
Ernie, had become paranoid? Ernie didn't know what to think any
|
||
more!
|
||
"Zo," the doctor turned again to Captain Memory. "You vere
|
||
telling us about your computer hacking activities, ja?"
|
||
"I was?" The Captain looked puzzled. "I don't recall that!"
|
||
Ernie's eyes narrowed. He didn't recall that, either!
|
||
"Ja, ja," the psychiatrist said reassuringly. "Amnesia is a
|
||
terrible thing! Ve must begin your therapy right avay!" He pulled
|
||
out a gold pocket watch on the end of a long chain, and began
|
||
swinging it slowly back and forth in front of Captain Memory.
|
||
"Vatch de vatch," he whispered to the Captain. "Now, go back,
|
||
back....Vhat do you remember?"
|
||
Captain Memory seemed to be completely hypnotized.
|
||
"It's...it's so confusing! Images, numbers, it's space...yes,
|
||
Cyberspace! And it's all filled with strange images! Games,
|
||
pictures, old movies and TV shows! They're all coming at me! All at
|
||
the same time! They're filling my head! They're taking over my
|
||
brain!!" The Captain was becoming very agitated.
|
||
"Relax, calm yourself," the psychiatrist whispered. The
|
||
Captain seemed calmer now. "Go back, further back. Vhat do you
|
||
see?"
|
||
The Captain seemed to be in a daze. "Pyramids...Pharaohs..."
|
||
"No, no," the psychiatrist protested. "Not THAT far back!"
|
||
"I knew it!" Ernie broke in. "Ancient Egypt!"
|
||
"Please!" the doctor snapped, glaring at Ernie. "Do not
|
||
interrupt! Your time.... vill come!" He smiled evilly. Or, on the
|
||
other hand, perhaps Ernie only imagined that he smiled evilly?
|
||
Maybe he was really trying to help, and Ernie's paranoia was making
|
||
him imagine something else? Ernie just didn't know anymore!
|
||
"I remember... breaking out of an egg..." The Fly was talking
|
||
now. He, too, seemed to be in a daze.
|
||
Oh, wow! thought Ernie. The Fly must have been watching while
|
||
the doctor hypnotized Captain Memory! Now he's hypnotized, too!
|
||
The psychiatrist glared at the Fly. "Quiet, please!"
|
||
The Fly paid no attention. He kept on talking. "A larva!
|
||
That's it! I'm a larva..."
|
||
The doctor attempted to coax more from Captain Memory. "Now,
|
||
go back..."
|
||
The Fly broke in again. "I'm a larva, and I'm on a nice, warm
|
||
pile of garbage! Yes..."
|
||
The psychiatrist cursed under his breath. He turned to the
|
||
Fly. "Wake up!" He snapped his fingers in front of the Fly's face.
|
||
Both the Fly and Captain Memory awoke instantly. The Fly put
|
||
his hands up to his head. "Oh wow!" he said uncertainly. "I must
|
||
have dozed off!"
|
||
Captain Memory yawned. "That's funny! So did I! And I've been
|
||
having the strangest dreams!"
|
||
The doctor turned to Captain Memory with keen interest. "Zo,
|
||
tell me about zese dreams!"
|
||
Captain Memory scratched his head. "Well, I was in Ancient
|
||
Egypt, and I...." He trailed off.
|
||
"Please, go on!" the psychiatrist urged.
|
||
The Captain looked confused. "That's all I can remember!"
|
||
The doctor cursed again. He suddenly became aware that Ernie
|
||
was watching him. He cleared his throat, and regained his
|
||
composure.
|
||
"Zo," he began. "Now, ve give ze other patients a turn."
|
||
The doctor turned to one of the patients that had been in the
|
||
room when the foursome arrived: the depressed-looking man who kept
|
||
wringing his hands. "Why don't you tell us your name, and vhat has
|
||
brought you to see us today?"
|
||
The other patient looked somehow familiar to Ernie. "Vell,
|
||
doctor, my name is Holger Horses. Und mein problem, vell, it's mein
|
||
job!" He continued to look steadfastly at the floor, never once
|
||
looking up at the others around him.
|
||
Ernie thought it was very odd that this patient, too, had a
|
||
German accent. But then, on the other hand, perhaps he was just
|
||
being paranoid.
|
||
The patient went on. "Mein boss, he is so...demanding. If I
|
||
make even one liddle mistake, he hits me vith his riding crop! Und
|
||
if I don't make any mistake, he hits me anyway!" He sniffled. He
|
||
seemed about to cry. "It makes me feel so....inadequate!"
|
||
"There, there," said the doctor commiseratingly, handing the
|
||
man a handkerchief.
|
||
The man blew his nose noisily. "I mean, it's not mein fault
|
||
dat they keep getting avay! Ve lock them up good! But somehow, dey
|
||
get out, and I get blamed!" He sniffled. "Vhy do dey keep doing dis
|
||
to me? All ve vant to do is torture dem a liddle!"
|
||
"Oh, ja, ja," the psychiatrist said compassionately. "Ze
|
||
vorkplace is so demanding dese days! I understand exactly how you
|
||
feel!"
|
||
"Do you, doctor?" The man looked up hopefully, pleadingly, at
|
||
the psychiatrist. "Does dat mean you von't hit me vith the riding
|
||
crop any more?"
|
||
"Dummkopf!" the psychiatrist hissed. The man caught his breath
|
||
suddenly, and looked quickly back down at the floor. He began to
|
||
moan quietly again.
|
||
The doctor laughed nervously. "Vell, uh, perhaps ve had best
|
||
go on to ze next patient!" He turned to the other man, the one who
|
||
continuously lit matches. "Und your name, sir?"
|
||
"Vell, Herr Doktor, mein name ist Horst Manure," the man
|
||
continued to light matches as he talked.
|
||
It seemed very odd to Ernie that this patient, too, spoke with
|
||
a German accent.
|
||
"I zee," said the psychiatrist. "Und vhen did you first notice
|
||
zis fascination vith...fire?"
|
||
The patient giggled. "Vell, it shtarted vhen Rome burned.
|
||
Flames, everywhere. The whole city in flames. People running,
|
||
screaming. It was chust...SO much fun!" He stared fixedly as the
|
||
match slowly burned down to his fingertips.
|
||
Ernie couldn't help interrupting. "Wait a minute! How could
|
||
you be old enough to be in Rome when it burned?"
|
||
The patient looked taken aback. He looked quickly at the
|
||
doctor. The doctor seemed very uncomfortable. "Uh, um...ze time
|
||
machine! Oh yes, he use ze time machine!"
|
||
"What's he doing with a time machine, anyway?" Ernie demanded.
|
||
The psychiatrist quickly regained his poise. He peered at
|
||
Ernie. "Zo, do you haff zese attacks of paranoia often?"
|
||
Ernie was caught off guard. "Um...uh...yes! Uh, I mean, NO!"
|
||
He was becoming very confused.
|
||
The psychiatrist nodded knowingly. "I zee!"
|
||
Ernie pouted. "I think there's something pretty suspicious
|
||
about this whole business!"
|
||
"Of course you do," Sterno puffed contentedly on his cigar.
|
||
"You're paranoid!"
|
||
"No, I'm...." Ernie began.
|
||
Sterno continued, cutting Ernie off. "You know, I've always
|
||
suspected as much. But, now that we have the doctor's diagnosis, we
|
||
know for sure!"
|
||
Something occurred to Ernie. "You `suspected' as much?"
|
||
"Yes, all along," Sterno maintained smugly.
|
||
"Well, if you're `suspecting' things, than maybe YOU'RE the
|
||
paranoid!" Ernie cried out triumphantly.
|
||
Sterno harrumphed. "I don't think that's..."
|
||
The Fly cut him off. "Oh, I get it, it's a game, right?" His
|
||
antennae waved excitedly. "It's `Find the Paranoid', right?" He
|
||
began bouncing up and down in his seat. "I know! I know!" He waved
|
||
his hands in the air excitedly, making incomprehensible gestures.
|
||
"First syllable....sounds like...!"
|
||
"SHTOP DIS!" the psychiatrist screamed angrily. From out of
|
||
nowhere, a riding crop had appeared in his hand. He was about to
|
||
lash out at the patient nearest him, when he noticed that everyone
|
||
was looking at him.
|
||
He stopped, and laughed weakly. He quickly tossed the riding
|
||
crop under a chair, and tried to regain his composure. "Zo, uh,
|
||
where vere ve?"
|
||
Ernie's eyes narrowed accusingly. "You had a riding crop!"
|
||
The Fly bounced up and down excitedly. "Oh, wow! He had a
|
||
riding crop! He's not supposed to have that!" He pointed an
|
||
accusing finger at the psychiatrist. "Personal foul! Lose 10 yards!
|
||
Do not pass `Go', do NOT collect $200!" He folded his arms
|
||
triumphantly.
|
||
The doctor smiled weakly. "Uh, I can explain..."
|
||
"I bid twenty," the Fly interrupted. "Three strikes and you're
|
||
out!"
|
||
Ernie noticed a framed diploma hanging on the wall behind him.
|
||
He turned to read it. He looked at the diploma, and then at the
|
||
doctor, and then at the diploma again. "Hey, guys!" he called out
|
||
to the others excitedly. "Do you know who this `doctor' is? He's
|
||
Dr. Heinz von Lie...."
|
||
"ENOUGH!" The psychiatrist slammed a riding crop against the
|
||
seat of an empty chair, commanding everyone's attention. Ernie that
|
||
the first riding crop was still under an empty chair, where the
|
||
doctor had thrown it. He appeared to have an endless supply of
|
||
them.
|
||
"All right!" He took off the thin, pince-nez glasses he had
|
||
been wearing, tossed them aside, and replaced them with a monocle.
|
||
"Zo, you haff discovered my true identity, eh?" He laughed evilly.
|
||
Ernie was pretty sure that the doctor really was laughing evilly;
|
||
that he wasn't just imagining it. "It does not matter," von
|
||
Liederkranz continued. "The interrogation will proceed!"
|
||
The Fly was confused. "Interrogation? I thought it was
|
||
therapy?"
|
||
"Interrogation, therapy, what difference does it make?" the
|
||
Nazi answered. "It's all ze same thing!"
|
||
Ernie pointed indignantly at Sterno. "See?! And you thought I
|
||
was paranoid! You were wrong!"
|
||
"I was not!" Sterno declared defensively. "I still think
|
||
you're paranoid!"
|
||
"But..." Ernie was totally taken aback.
|
||
"Just because he's really a Nazi doesn't mean you're not
|
||
paranoid," Sterno continued self-importantly. "Even paranoids have
|
||
enemies!"
|
||
Ernie could only sputter with indignation.
|
||
The Fly looked at the Nazi accusingly. "You said you were a
|
||
psychiatrist! We trusted you!"
|
||
"Ach, but I am!"
|
||
"Huh?" The Fly was confused.
|
||
The Nazi explained. "I told you, I am Sturmbannfuhrer Doktor
|
||
Heinz von Liederkranz! Und, vot kind of doctor did you tink I vas?"
|
||
Sterno puffed thoughtfully on his cigar. "That DOES make
|
||
sense," he admitted. "After all, if a Nazi torturer were going to
|
||
be a doctor, then a psychiatrist would be the one to be!"
|
||
"Precisely," von Liederkranz agreed.
|
||
The Fly's antennae waved agitatedly. "You're not going to
|
||
torture us, are you?"
|
||
"Oh, no!" laughed von Liederkranz. "Ve don't do dat anymore!
|
||
Dat's barbaric!" The Fly sighed with relief.
|
||
"Now ve have psychiatry!" the Nazi smiled evilly. "It's MUCH
|
||
worse!"
|
||
Ernie began edging slowly towards the door.
|
||
"Don't bother!" the psychiatrist called out. "It's locked!"
|
||
Ernie lunged for the door anyway. No-one made a move to stop
|
||
him. The door was solid steel, and securely locked. Ernie glumly
|
||
returned to his seat.
|
||
Von Liederkranz turned to Captain Memory. The Captain hadn't
|
||
been paying much attention to the proceedings. He was still
|
||
engrossed in the TV Guide. He appeared to be diligently searching
|
||
for something to watch other than Reptile shows.
|
||
The Nazi smiled malevolently. "Zo, you didn't like ze Hot
|
||
Vhirling Corkscrew, eh?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked up annoyedly. "Not THAT again!"
|
||
Von Liederkranz laughed diabolically. "Oh no, of COURSE not!
|
||
Ve have something, heh, heh, MUCH vorse!" He peered closely at the
|
||
Captain. "Your mother never liked you!" he announced.
|
||
Captain Memory's eyes went wide with shock. "Aaugghh!" he
|
||
screamed, burying his head in his arms.
|
||
The Nazi chuckled sadistically. "I told you, psychiatry is
|
||
MUCH vorse! Und much more effective!" Ernie noticed that the Nazi
|
||
had discarded his cigar, and was now holding a cigarette in a long
|
||
holder. "Now, vill you tell us how you gain access to the system?"
|
||
Poor Captain Memory could only whimper.
|
||
Von Liederkranz didn't seem to mind that the Captain refused
|
||
to talk. It gave him more opportunity to practice his sadistic
|
||
psychiatry. "Very vell," he smirked. "You asked for it!" He peered
|
||
intently at the Captain, choosing his words carefully. "You're
|
||
totally inadequate!"
|
||
"NO!" screamed Captain Memory, curling himself up into a tight
|
||
ball.
|
||
"Heh, heh!" the Nazi chuckled. He looked closely at Captain
|
||
Memory, preparing his next shot. "You're..."
|
||
The Captain couldn't take any more. "Uh, 007C D0 C8!" he
|
||
cried.
|
||
Suddenly, the scene vanished. Ernie staggered with vertigo,
|
||
and sat down heavily on the ground. His eyes stung as a gust of
|
||
wind blew sand in his face. His head swam, and he felt nauseous. He
|
||
closed his eyes tightly, and put a hand over his stomach. "I think
|
||
I'm getting the flu," he moaned.
|
||
After a few moments, he opened his eyes, carefully wiping the
|
||
sand out of them. At first, all he could see was sand. Then he
|
||
looked up, and saw... "The Pyramids!" Ernie breathed, in awe.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHAPTER 10
|
||
|
||
Ernie looked around. The Fly was sitting in the sand,
|
||
attempting to make sand castles. Sterno was prowling around the
|
||
sand, obviously looking for something. Captain Memory was still
|
||
curled up in a ball.
|
||
Ernie struggled to his feet, and attempted to brush some of
|
||
the sand off himself. He walked over to where the Captain lay, and
|
||
tapped him on the shoulder. "You can come out now. He's gone!"
|
||
Captain Memory peeked out tentatively. He breathed a sigh of
|
||
relief, and uncurled, sitting up in the sand. "Whew! I'm glad
|
||
that's over! That was awful!"
|
||
The Fly peered at Captain Memory curiously. "That stuff he was
|
||
saying, was it true? I mean, like, about your mother and
|
||
everything?"
|
||
The Captain looked puzzled. "Um, actually, I can't quite
|
||
recall. But if it had been, it would have been pretty awful,
|
||
wouldn't it?"
|
||
"Wow," said the Fly in agreement. He thought a moment. "And
|
||
what about that stuff about being totally inad..."
|
||
"I don't want to talk about it!" The Captain cut him off
|
||
irritatedly.
|
||
Ernie looked up, and once again beheld the majesty of the
|
||
Pyramids in the distance. They looked a lot newer than he
|
||
remembered them. "Wow!" he breathed. "We must be in Ancient Egypt,
|
||
right?"
|
||
Captain Memory looked perplexed. "Um, well, I could be wrong,
|
||
but I think we're on a beach in New Jersey!"
|
||
"Ah, well," Sterno chimed in, still sifting through the sand.
|
||
"That explains all these cigarette butts and ring-pull tabs."
|
||
Ernie stared at him. "What are you doing?"
|
||
"I seem to have dropped my lighter," Sterno explained. "You
|
||
haven't seen it, have you?"
|
||
Ernie looked around. "Afraid not."
|
||
"It's so difficult to find anything in this shifting sand!"
|
||
Sterno stopped, and picked up something. "Here's a penny."
|
||
"Oh, yeah?" This might be a clue to they're location, Ernie
|
||
thought. "What kind is it? A Lincoln?"
|
||
Sterno turned the penny over. "No, a Cadillac."
|
||
Ernie scratched his head. "Well, that's close, I guess. What's
|
||
the date one it?"
|
||
Sterno examined it closely. "2,500 B.C."
|
||
Ernie's face lit up. "Oh, that explains why the Pyramids look
|
||
new!" He frowned. "But, what are the Pyramids doing on a beach in
|
||
New Jersey?"
|
||
"I've got it!" Sterno cried.
|
||
"You do?" asked Ernie in amazement. "Great! What..." He
|
||
stopped.
|
||
Sterno was holding a small object triumphantly aloft. "I've
|
||
found it! I..." He stopped. "Wait a minute! This isn't my lighter!
|
||
It's just an old BIC!" He flicked it. A small flame appeared. "Oh
|
||
well," he sighed. "I suppose it'll have to do." He placed it in his
|
||
invisible pocket.
|
||
Ernie looked at the Pyramids again. "Uh, anyway, as I was
|
||
saying..."
|
||
Captain Memory sighed loudly.
|
||
"What's the matter?" the Fly wanted to know.
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sadly. "It's a real bad sign
|
||
when you get Pyramids showing up on a beach in New Jersey."
|
||
"Bad sign?" The Fly's antennae waved nervously.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Yeah. It means that the fabric of
|
||
Cyberspace is coming apart. We're getting really close to that
|
||
final, total sys..."
|
||
"Don't say it!" Ernie pleaded.
|
||
"..tem.." Captain Memory continued.
|
||
"Please!" Ernie begged.
|
||
The Captain stopped. "Why not?"
|
||
Ernie moaned. "It makes my stomach hurt!"
|
||
Captain Memory just shrugged.
|
||
Ernie moaned again.
|
||
"Hey, guy," the Fly chimed in. He took a small package out of
|
||
one of his suit pockets and handed it to Ernie. "Here's what you
|
||
need. Have some Rolaids!"
|
||
"Oh. Thanks." Ernie tried a few. Actually, they did seem to
|
||
help. Well, maybe a total system failure wasn't that bad, after
|
||
all.
|
||
"So, what do you wanna do now, guys?" the Fly piped up
|
||
brightly.
|
||
"Beats me," answered Captain Memory.
|
||
"Haven't the foggiest!" replied Sterno absently. He was
|
||
engrossed in trying to light a cigar using the tiny flame from the
|
||
old BIC.
|
||
Ernie looked around. "I dunno. What do you wanna do?"
|
||
"Wanna go see an ancient, undiscovered, tomb? That sounds like
|
||
fun, huh?" The Fly's antennae waved expectantly.
|
||
"Oh, let's!" answered Sterno brightly. He was in a much better
|
||
mood, now that he'd gotten his cigar going.
|
||
Ernie frowned. "How do you know where to find an ancient,
|
||
undiscovered tomb?"
|
||
"Simple," the Fly replied cheerfully. "Just follow the signs!"
|
||
He pointed to an object in the distance.
|
||
Ernie peered in the direction the Fly was pointing. Sure
|
||
enough, he could just barely make out a sign, which said `THIS WAY
|
||
TO THE ANCIENT, UNDISCOVERED TOMB', with an arrow pointing the way.
|
||
"Well..." Ernie wasn't sure this was going to be such a good
|
||
idea.
|
||
"Aw, come on, guys!" the Fly enthused. "It'll be fun!"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie was unconvinced.
|
||
"Do you have something better to do?" Sterno demanded.
|
||
"Well..." Ernie hesitated.
|
||
"That's settled then!" Sterno stated with finality. He glared
|
||
at Ernie. "And I DO wish you wouldn't keep repeating yourself all
|
||
the time!"
|
||
"Well..." Ernie began.
|
||
"PLEASE!" Sterno cut him off. Ernie decided to just be quiet.
|
||
The foursome trudged through the dry sand. Luckily the sun,
|
||
though bright, was not very hot. Ernie hoped they didn't have far
|
||
to go. Trying to walk through the shifting, blowing sand was very
|
||
tiring. The approached the sign.
|
||
The sign seemed to be pointing to something behind one of the
|
||
Pyramids. As they rounded the corner, they became able to see what
|
||
it was.
|
||
"Wow!" breathed Ernie in awe. A fabulous Egyptian temple stood
|
||
in front of them. Crumbling columns towered 200 feet into the sky,
|
||
supporting a sandstone roof that had collapsed at various points.
|
||
In the center of the temple stood a large stone structure with no
|
||
windows, and only one door, which was closed.
|
||
After a few moments, Ernie noticed that there was a small,
|
||
brightly-colored wooden building standing in front of the temple.
|
||
A sign on the little building said `SEE THE ANCIENT, UNDISCOVERED
|
||
TOMB! Admission: $2.00.'
|
||
Inside the small building was a portly, middle-aged man
|
||
wearing a bright plaid suit and a straw hat, and smoking a cigar.
|
||
"Step right up, gentlemen!" he cried to them. "Yer just in time!"
|
||
"Oh, wow!" said the Fly, obviously excited. "We wanna see the
|
||
tomb!"
|
||
"Of course you do, sonny," said the man, flicking the ash of
|
||
his cigar. "Everybody wants to see the tomb! Let's see, there's
|
||
four at two dollars each..." He looked the group over. "I'll tell
|
||
you what I'm gonna do. Because I like yer, uh..." He looked at the
|
||
Fly with puzzlement. "...face, I'm gonna give you a special price.
|
||
Only $10 for all of ya!"
|
||
"Gee, thanks!" said the Fly enthusiastically. Ernie opened his
|
||
mouth to speak.
|
||
"Hey, that's okay, guys," the Fly cut him off. "It's on me!"
|
||
He handed the ticket-seller a $10 bill.
|
||
"Step right on in, gentlemen!" The ticket-seller gestured
|
||
towards the door of the tomb.
|
||
As they approached, Ernie examined the hieroglyphics on the
|
||
walls of the temple. Suddenly, one caught his eye. "Look!" He
|
||
pointed it out. "It's the RCA dog! And the phonograph! This must
|
||
be..."
|
||
"Oh, your not going to start that `Dead Sea Phonograph
|
||
Records' business again, are you?" Sterno said irritatedly.
|
||
"Well..." Ernie began.
|
||
"Will you PLEASE stop saying that!" Sterno cried in
|
||
exasperation. Ernie shut up.
|
||
The interior of the building did, in fact, look like an
|
||
ancient, undiscovered tomb. Mummy cases lined the walls. Strange
|
||
carved containers, some shaped like animals, lay on all sides.
|
||
Drifting sand lay piled up against everything.
|
||
"Wow!" The Fly was amazed. "An ancient, undiscovered tomb! I
|
||
bet we're the first people to be in here in a zillion years!"
|
||
An ancient wooden cabinet caught Ernie's attention. The figure
|
||
of the RCA dog was carved into it. Ernie opened it gingerly. "Aha!"
|
||
he cried. "Look!"
|
||
Inside, sure enough, was an ancient, acoustic Victrola-type
|
||
record player. Lined up neatly in slots were dozens of flat black
|
||
disks that could only be 78 rpm records. "See?" proclaimed Ernie.
|
||
"I told you so! It's the Dead Sea Phonograph Records!"
|
||
"Cool!" enthused the Fly. "Play it!"
|
||
Ernie was taken aback. This could be the greatest find of all
|
||
time! It could change the world; completely alter Life As We Know
|
||
It. He had to be very careful. One mistake might ruin the whole
|
||
thing. If he made the wrong move, the greatest discovery in history
|
||
might be lost forever - and it would be all his fault! "Um, play
|
||
it?" Ernie hesitated uncomfortably. "Um, I'm not sure..."
|
||
"Play it!" demanded Sterno irritably. "You've been going on
|
||
and on about this for...for..." Sterno thought a moment. "Actually,
|
||
for BILLIONS of years, now, and we're all just about sick of it!
|
||
All right, here it is! Now, play it, already!"
|
||
Ernie looked over the machine warily. "Um, I'm not exactly
|
||
sure how to work it." He tugged at one of the 78 rpm records. It
|
||
refused to come out of it's slot.
|
||
Sterno sighed in exasperation. "It's simple enough! Look!" He
|
||
pointed to a corroded metal strip on the bottom part of the
|
||
machine. There were a number of buttons on it, and a slot. Next to
|
||
the slot Ernie could just barely make out the words "Insert Coin."
|
||
Ernie searched through his pockets. "Um..."
|
||
"Oh, all right!" Sterno snapped annoyedly. "Here!" He handed
|
||
Ernie the Cadillac penny.
|
||
"Um, thanks." Ernie dropped the coin into the slot. For a
|
||
moment, nothing happened. Then, slowly, the ancient machine began
|
||
to creak into action. A small, dim, light appeared behind a little
|
||
square next to the slot. Brushing away the dust, Ernie could just
|
||
barely make out the words `Make Selection'.
|
||
"Oh, wow," said Ernie. Next to each button was a small
|
||
rectangle, which was obviously supposed to contain the name of the
|
||
song. Unfortunately, most of them were so covered by dirt and
|
||
corrosion that Ernie couldn't read them.
|
||
"Um, which one should I pick?" he asked in confusion.
|
||
"Who cares?" barked Sterno in exasperation. "Just pick
|
||
SOMETHING!"
|
||
Ernie peered at the selections. He was desperately afraid of
|
||
making the wrong choice. This might be his only chance to learn the
|
||
Secret of the Universe, or something like that. He had to make the
|
||
right selection! Suddenly, he saw something he recognized. "Hey,
|
||
look at this!" He pointed at one of the selections. "It's Sam the
|
||
Sham and the PHARAOHS! See, I told you..."
|
||
"Play it!" Cried the Fly enthusiastically.
|
||
"Play it!" snapped Sterno annoyedly.
|
||
"But...but..." Ernie peered at it more closely. "The song is
|
||
`Walk Like a Man!' I don't think Sam the Sham ever did that song!"
|
||
"PLAY IT!" shrieked Sterno, his patience gone.
|
||
Ernie frowned. He looked at Captain Memory. The Captain just
|
||
shrugged. "Well..." Ernie said hesitantly. "...okay." He pushed the
|
||
button.
|
||
The ancient machine slowly creaked into action. A 78 rpm
|
||
record dropped on to the platter, and the device began to play.
|
||
Within the first few notes, Ernie knew something had gone
|
||
terribly wrong. The music was growing louder with every second,
|
||
much louder than an old Victrola could ever have made it; in fact,
|
||
painfully loud. "This isn't `Walk Like A Man'!" Ernie cried. A
|
||
terrible realization hit him. If you took `Walk Like A Man', and
|
||
crossed it with Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, you'd get..."
|
||
Suddenly, it was all too clear. He recognized the music plainly
|
||
now. "Oh, no!" Ernie wailed. "It's `Walk Like an Egyptian!'"
|
||
"What?!" yelled Captain Memory. The music was too loud,
|
||
drowning out their words. He looked at the others. He could see
|
||
their mouths moving, but he couldn't hear a word they were saying.
|
||
The music was too loud, drowning out everything.
|
||
The music grew louder with every passing second. The pain
|
||
began to build in Ernie's head. He tried to cover his ears with his
|
||
hands, but found it very difficult to do while holding the coffee
|
||
maker. It didn't help, anyway. The music was so loud that it
|
||
vibrated through his hand, through his head. The whole temple was
|
||
vibrating!
|
||
Ernie looked at Captain Memory. "Do something!" he shouted.
|
||
The Captain shrugged and pointed to his ears, obviously meaning `I
|
||
can't hear a word you're saying.'"
|
||
Ernie looked at Sterno and the Fly. They had their hands over
|
||
their ears, their eyes clenched tight in pain. Sterno especially
|
||
seemed to be suffering, his keen dog hearing more affected by the
|
||
sound than the others.
|
||
Ernie was miserable. Not only was he in pain from the terribly
|
||
loud music, but his very best idea ever, to go find the Dead Sea
|
||
Phonograph Records, had turned into a disaster. The music grew ever
|
||
louder. Ernie knew that excessive sound levels can be fatal. They
|
||
were all going to be killed by `Walk Like an Egyptian' played at a
|
||
million decibels - and he didn't even like that song!
|
||
Ernie tried to hold his hands more tightly over his ears. If
|
||
only the coffee maker wasn't in his way....Suddenly, it hit him!
|
||
The coffee maker! He set the selector to `Destroy', aimed it at the
|
||
ancient Victrola, and flipped the strength lever to `Full'.
|
||
Suddenly, the Victrola vanished - along with the cabinet, the
|
||
wall of the tomb, half the temple, and just about everything else
|
||
Ernie could see. In fact, Ernie now seemed to be standing at the
|
||
edge of a huge chasm. It was so broad that Ernie couldn't see the
|
||
other side; so deep that he couldn't see the bottom.
|
||
Ernie felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned. The Fly was
|
||
pointing at the opposite wall of the tomb, and saying something,
|
||
but Ernie couldn't make out what. Although the music had stopped
|
||
when the Victrola was destroyed, Ernie's ears were still ringing so
|
||
badly that he couldn't hear a thing.
|
||
Looking at the wall, Ernie guessed what the problem was.
|
||
Without the other side of the tomb to hold it up, the huge stone
|
||
wall was swaying. It looked as though it might crush them at any
|
||
moment.
|
||
Without thinking, Ernie aimed the coffee maker at the wall,
|
||
and flipped on the power switch. This time, his ears were just
|
||
barely recovered enough to hear the tremendous roar as the Psion
|
||
Megaforce Generator destroyed the other wall, and everything else,
|
||
for as far as the eye could see.
|
||
As the dust cleared, Ernie could see that where the opposite
|
||
wall had been, there was now what seemed to be a bottomless,
|
||
measureless chasm. On that side, too, there was a steep drop, as
|
||
though they were standing on the edge of an infinitely tall cliff.
|
||
All that remained was the 8-foot by 10 foot patch of sand and rock
|
||
which had been the inside of the tomb, where they now stood.
|
||
Looking around, all that Ernie could see was the little piece of
|
||
land that they were now standing on, and the sky. Everything else
|
||
appeared to have been disintegrated.
|
||
As the ringing in Ernie's ears slowly subsided, he began to
|
||
hear Captain Memory saying something.
|
||
"Wow!" The Captain was peeking over the edge of the precipice.
|
||
"That Psion Megaforce Generator sure is powerful!"
|
||
Ernie carefully peered over the brink. He tried to see the
|
||
bottom of the crater, but he couldn't see a thing. No, wait a
|
||
minute. He did see something; he saw....stars? How could there be
|
||
stars at the bottom of a hole?
|
||
The Fly peeked over the edge as well. "Whew! That's some big
|
||
hole you blew there, buddy!"
|
||
Ernie continued to peer into the hole, trying to make some
|
||
sense out of what he saw. He turned to Captain Memory. "Um, how far
|
||
down does that hole go, anyway?"
|
||
The Captain shook his head sadly. "All the way!"
|
||
"Huh?" Ernie was uncomprehending. "All the way to where,
|
||
China?"
|
||
Captain Memory continued to peer downward. "Further than that!
|
||
From the look of it, I'd say just about all the way to Mars!" The
|
||
Captain shook his head sadly. "You know, you really should read the
|
||
directions to those things before you use them!"
|
||
Ernie looked at the coffee maker in dismay. He placed the it
|
||
carefully in the sand, and gingerly edged away from it.
|
||
"Hey, this is really cool!" the Fly continued to look over the
|
||
rim. "I can see stars looking down," he looked up, "AND looking
|
||
up!" He peered over the opposite edge. "Hey, there's stars on all
|
||
sides! Neat! How did you do that?"
|
||
Sterno stared at Ernie, his eyes widening in horror. "You
|
||
didn't!"
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head sorrowfully. "He did!"
|
||
"What?" demanded Ernie. "What did I do?"
|
||
Sterno seemed to be in a state of shock. "You mean, that one
|
||
little device could..."
|
||
Captain Memory nodded dismally. "I'm afraid so!"
|
||
"WHAT?" Ernie was becoming very agitated.
|
||
Sterno glared balefully at Ernie. "How could you DO such a
|
||
thing?!"
|
||
"Will somebody please tell me what I did?!" Ernie wailed.
|
||
Captain Memory sighed. "Well, let me put it to you this way.
|
||
You see this little patch of ground we're standing on? That's all
|
||
that's left!"
|
||
"All that's left of what?" Ernie wasn't following this at all.
|
||
"Of the planet Earth!" the Captain declared morosely.
|
||
"WHAT!?" Ernie was horrified.
|
||
Captain Memory shook his head dejectedly. "I'm afraid you blew
|
||
just about the entire planet away! Everything except the little
|
||
patch we're standing on!" He peeked over the edge. "Looks like you
|
||
nailed the moon, too."
|
||
"But...But..." Ernie protested weakly. "How could that
|
||
HAPPEN!?"
|
||
The Captain sighed. "I told you that thing was powerful!" He
|
||
continued peering over the edge. Something caught his eye. He
|
||
brightened. "Ah, good! That's a relief!"
|
||
"What?!" Ernie was desperate for any good news.
|
||
Captain Memory smiled. "You'll be glad to know that Mars is
|
||
fine! The blast didn't even touch it!" He peered more closely. "It
|
||
might be a little off it's orbit, but aside from that it's
|
||
perfectly okay!"
|
||
Ernie moaned.
|
||
Suddenly, Captain Memory straightened up. He began looking in
|
||
all directions, a look of consternation on his face. "Something's
|
||
happening!"
|
||
Sterno glared at Ernie. "This is all your fault!"
|
||
The Fly put his hands up to his head. "Oh, wow! My head!
|
||
It's...What's happening to me?"
|
||
Ernie's jaw dropped in amazement. The Fly's head was beginning
|
||
to...change. As the others watched in astonishment, the Fly's head
|
||
shimmered, disappeared, and was replaced by the perfectly normal-
|
||
looking head of a man in his mid 30's.
|
||
"Whoo!" complained the Fly. "I feel really weird!" He
|
||
squinted. "There's something wrong with my eyes! I can't see too
|
||
good anymore!"
|
||
"You're....you're normal!" Ernie gasped in astonishment.
|
||
The Fly put his hands up to his head, feeling out it's shape.
|
||
"Oh, wow! It's my old head! I got it back!"
|
||
Ernie turned to Captain Memory is helpless astonishment.
|
||
"What's happening!?"
|
||
Captain Memory, too, looked amazed. "It's the game! We've
|
||
ended the game!"
|
||
"Of course!" Sterno caught his drift immediately. "By
|
||
destroying most of the world, you've brought the game to an end!
|
||
There's not enough of the planet left to play with!"
|
||
"Right!" Captain Memory beamed. "And you've done it within the
|
||
logical confines of the program! Using materials found within the
|
||
program, in a manner consistent with the program's logic!" Captain
|
||
Memory reached out to shake Ernie's hand. "Good job!"
|
||
Sterno looked ruefully over the edge of the chasm. "Of course,
|
||
I don't think we got very many points!"
|
||
"It doesn't matter," said Captain Memory cheerfully. "It's
|
||
`Game Over'. That's all we need!"
|
||
Ernie was finding this all difficult to follow. "So, now
|
||
what?"
|
||
"Now the system shuts down, in an orderly manner, and we're
|
||
all free!" cried the Captain jubilantly. "The evil genius Waldo
|
||
Stadium is thwarted, his Cyberslaves are set free! We win!"
|
||
Ernie's eyes narrowed. "You talk about all of this almost as
|
||
if it was a game!"
|
||
Captain Memory seemed taken aback. "Did I?" he said
|
||
innocently. "Well, I'm sure I didn't mean to...." He trailed off.
|
||
Meanwhile, the Fly was engrossed in examining his head. He had
|
||
pulled out a small pocket mirror, and was looking himself over
|
||
carefully. "Hey, this is great!" he enthused. "I've got my looks
|
||
back! The babes are gonna love it! Awright! It's time to PA-A-A-
|
||
RTY!"
|
||
Ernie looked around thoughtfully. There wasn't much to see.
|
||
All that was left of the planet Earth was the little patch of
|
||
ground that they stood on. "What's...what's going to happen to us
|
||
now?"
|
||
"Well..." Captain Memory scratched his head. "I guess we'll
|
||
all be going home!"
|
||
Sterno put a paw over his stomach. "I...I feel very strange!"
|
||
he complained. "I..." Suddenly, Sterno shimmered, and disappeared!
|
||
Ernie was aghast. "Oh my god, he's gone! What happened to
|
||
him?"
|
||
"It's beginning," Captain Memory replied calmly. "We're all
|
||
going back to our proper place and time...." the Captain hesitated.
|
||
"...wherever that is!"
|
||
"We're going back?" the Fly was enthusiastic. "AWRIGHT!" He,
|
||
too, had begun to shimmer. He flashed Ernie the `thumbs up' sign.
|
||
"It's PARTY TIME!!" With that, he was gone.
|
||
Now there was only Ernie and Captain Memory. "But...but what
|
||
should I do when I get back?" Ernie wanted to know. "I mean, after
|
||
all this, shouldn't I....I dunno, DO something?"
|
||
Captain Memory shrugged. "I guess you'll just have to wait and
|
||
see!" Suddenly, Ernie felt ill. The world began to shimmer around
|
||
him. The Captain's shape was becoming vague and indistinct. The
|
||
last thing Ernie saw was the Captain gazing ruefully at his bare
|
||
wrist. "I sure wish I could have gotten a watch, though!" he said
|
||
sadly. With that, the scene vanished.
|
||
|
||
EPILOGUE
|
||
|
||
Ernie's head swan. The strange, distorted shapes of a surreal
|
||
landscape swirled around him. He stumbled backwards, and his hand
|
||
fell upon a doorknob. Reflexively, he pulled it open and stepped
|
||
through.
|
||
A bright, fluorescent light dazzled his eyes. He became aware
|
||
of the sound of many voices in the distance. He staggered forward.
|
||
"All done?" A girl's voice startled Ernie. He looked up. He
|
||
was back at the Arcade! "Did you have a nice game?" the girl at the
|
||
information booth was asking him, twirling a finger through her
|
||
hair absent-mindedly.
|
||
"Uh..." Ernie could only mumble.
|
||
"HowEVER did you get that loincloth so dirty!" she reproved,
|
||
cracking her chewing gum loudly. "There's a five dollar cleaning
|
||
fee for that, you know!"
|
||
Ernie's mind was slowly clearing. "Uh, yeah?..." he managed to
|
||
answer.
|
||
"You can change in there," the girl pointed to a dressing
|
||
room. "When you return the loincloth and the broadsword, you'll get
|
||
your deposit back," she looked at him pointedly. "Minus the five-
|
||
dollar cleaning fee!"
|
||
As Ernie changed, his mind began to clear. Putting his own
|
||
clothes on again made him feel almost...normal. Had all of this
|
||
really happened, or had it all been just an illusion? Maybe it was
|
||
all just a malfunctioning computer program? Ernie couldn't be sure.
|
||
Ernie walked slowly home from the Arcade, trying to put his
|
||
mind in order. He looked carefully at everything he passed. For
|
||
some reason it seemed to him that things would be somehow
|
||
different. Yet, the neighborhood looked about the same, as far as
|
||
he could tell. But then again, he'd never really paid that much
|
||
attention to all the details. Some of them might be different, and
|
||
he'd never even notice.
|
||
After what seemed a very long time, he approached his own
|
||
house. He examined it carefully. It looked the same, as far as he
|
||
could tell. He took a deep breath, and went inside.
|
||
"Hello, dear," he heard his mother's voice come from the
|
||
kitchen. "Did you have a nice game?"
|
||
"Uh, I guess..." he called out in reply. "It was... uh...
|
||
different!"
|
||
"That's nice!" his mother answered. "Dinner's ready!"
|
||
Ernie walked into the dining room. He was still feeling pretty
|
||
woozy. Maybe something to eat would make him feel better.
|
||
Ernie's mother entered, carrying a large covered dish. Ernie
|
||
gasped. "Mom! Your hair...!"
|
||
Ernie's mother looked confused. "What about my hair?"
|
||
"It...it's green!" Ernie choked.
|
||
"But it's always been green!" his mother was puzzled. "Are you
|
||
feeling all right, dear boy?"
|
||
Ernie collapsed into a chair. "No," he moaned. "I don't feel
|
||
good at all!"
|
||
"It must be that awful Virtual Reality Game," his mother said
|
||
knowingly. "I've always said those things were unhealthy! It's just
|
||
too much stimulation for young minds!"
|
||
"Uh, yeah," Ernie agreed pitifully.
|
||
"Have some dinner and you'll feel better!" she said wisely,
|
||
dishing out a plate of food for Ernie. "I've made your favorite:
|
||
squid with mothballs!"
|
||
"Uh..." Ernie began.
|
||
"Your favorite TV show's on tonight," his mother continued
|
||
cheerily. "`I Wanna Donna' with Donna the Iguana! In fact," she
|
||
went on brightly. "All your favorite Reptiles are on tonight!"
|
||
Ernie sighed deeply. Well, he thought. It looks like I'm home!
|
||
Sort of.
|
||
|
||
|
||
THE END
|
||
|