612 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
612 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
From: wbarnes@sura.net (Bill Barnes)
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Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime
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Subject: Parody: Bubble Gum Cards
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Date: 16 Jan 92 23:31:40 GMT
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Lines: 605
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Well, due to the overwhelming demand for it (namely one person 8^), I'm
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reposting Ryan Mathews' it's-not-a-classic-but-it-should-be BGC parody.
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I proudly present (because I had absolutely nothing to do with its
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production 8^P)...the Night Foils!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mega-Yonkers 2038 : The Story of Knight Foils
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BUBBLE GUM CARDS
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by
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Ryan Mathews
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An Irreverent, Irrelevant Parody
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[Opening scene: A television commercial. A big, blue Buma dances
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around the house while a song plays.]
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SONG
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If you're tired and bored with household deeds,
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A GE Buma is what you need
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Cleans your house and cooks the food
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A GE Buma is one cool dude!
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ANNOUNCER
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Ladies! Is household drudgery getting you down? Then invest in a GE
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Buma! The latest in household appliances! Just look at all it can
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do! It can cook!
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[A Buma flips pancakes]
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It can clean!
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[A Buma scrubs floors]
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It can get rid of pests!
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[A Buma catches rats and cockroaches and eats them]
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It can get rid of salesmen!
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SALESMAN
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Hello! Can I interest you in some encyclopedias---ARRRRGGHHH!!
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[The Buma shoves the sample case down the saleman's throat.]
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ANNOUNCER
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Why, it'll even wash windows!
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BUMA
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Grrrrrrr...
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ANNOUNCER
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Haha! Well, it'll do *almost* anything! And right now with prices
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starting as low as Y2,000,000, there's no better time to buy! Ask
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your GE dealer for financing deals! That's the new Buma! From GE,
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Genom Electric!
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[The channel changes and the screen switches to a kitchen, with a
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certain female PBS chef and a male assistant.]
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ANNOUNCER
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And now, Julia Child's Kitchen!
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JULIA CHILD
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Oh, *hello* there and welcome back to the show! The gentlemen at GE
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have been so nice to provide me one of their new Kitchen-model Bumas!
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Say hello, Jules!
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JULES
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Grarl.
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JULIA CHILD
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Oh, isn't he just *marvelous*. My next dish involves peanuts.
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Unfortunately, the only peanuts I have on hand at the moment are those
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little sacks they hand out on airlines, and I always have such a
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*devil* of a time getting them open. Could you help, Jules?
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*There's* a good boy.
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[Ms. Child hands the bags of peanuts to the Buma, who
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struggles unsuccessfully to open one up.]
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I'll be needing to melt some butter too. Now where did I put the
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flamethrower? Ah, there it is!
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[The Buma bursts out of its skin and grows to twice its size,
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but still can't open the bag of peanuts.]
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Actually, I was thinking of using incendiary grenades, but you just
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can't get that fine control over the temperature.
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[The Buma tries to rip the bag open with its teeth, fails, and
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starts to throw a tantrum.]
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How is it coming with the peanuts?
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[The Buma grabs Ms. Child's right arm and rips it off. Blood
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spurts all over the place.]
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Oh, dear. Wasn't there a Saturday Night Live skit like this? It
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seems that Dan Akroyd fellow was prophetic in a way. I'll just
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shuffle over here and call an ambulance.
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[The Buma roars and rips her head off.]
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DIRECTOR
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Run for your lives! The Buma's gone berserk!
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[Cut to control room.]
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PRODUCER [on the phone]
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Hello? Yes, I have a job for you, now!!
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[Cut to a punk-rock bar. Hordes of slam-dancing teenagers crowd the
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stage. The MC walks out.]
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MC
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And now, punkers and punkettes! The moment you've all been waiting
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for! The First Lady of Punk! The one, the only.... Piss!!
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[The crowd roars as a punk-rocker girl with butch-brown hair comes on
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stage with a mike and starts screaming lyrics at the crowd.]
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PISS
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Oy 'ate you lousy fockers!
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Oy wish 'at you were dead!
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Oy'd like to put big 'oles in your fat stinky 'eads!
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Oy! [boom-boom-boom] Fock you!
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Oy! [boom-boom-boom] Fock you!
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[Piss' watch beeps. She holds to her face. To the watch:]
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Oy! Piss 'ere!
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WATCH
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Piss? This is Wacky. We've got a berserk Buma at the PBS station.
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PISS
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All roight! Time to kick some arse!
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[To the crowd:]
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Oy! I'm outta 'ere! Piss off!
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[Piss leaves and gets accosted by the manager.]
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MANAGER
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Hey! You can't leave! I paid good money for this show!
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[Piss kicks him in the groin. High voice:]
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But if you must go, I won't stand in your way.
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[Cut to a horrendous traffic jam. A redheaded policewoman directs the
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traffic, making it worse.]
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NINNY [pointing every which way]
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Now let's see, my left is their right. Or is it the other way around?
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Do they drive on the left side or the right? Or is it my left that
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they drive on? Which hand is my left, anyway? I'm so confused. Oh!
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Look at the nails on this hand! I need a manicure!
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[She holds her hand out to examine it, causing a fiery ten-car
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collision in front of her. Her watch beeps.]
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What's that, Wacky? Berserk Buma? I'll be right there! Hmm. The
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traffic doesn't seem to be moving much. Guess I'm not needed.
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[Cut to an aerobics class. 15 huge, hulking women thunder up and down
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while a black-haired girl named Leonard and her assistant direct
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them.]
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ASSISTANT
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Say, Leonard? About the floor?
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LEONARD
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What about it?
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[Several women smash through the floor, leaving really big
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holes.]
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Darn it! What did I tell you about trying to sneak out to the
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restaurant on the lower floor! You'll never lose weight this way!
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[Leonard's watch beeps.]
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Yes? Mm-hmm? I'm coming. Take over, Eileen, I've got other
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business.
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[Cut to a advanced data terminal. Yet another girl looks at the data
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while sipping coffee.]
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CELIA
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Oh, father. Why did you leave me with such heavy responsibilities?
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What is Genom Electric up to? And why did that dunderhead brother of
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mine make me decaffenated coffee?
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[Her brother enters the room.]
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WACKY
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Big sister?
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SILIA
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Yes?
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WACKY
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I've called the others. They'll be here any moment.
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CILIA
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Good. Prepare the van.
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WACKY
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Sure! You feel like taking off your clothes?
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SELIA
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No, why do you ask?
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WACKY
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Oh, just wondering.
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[Cut back to the station. The Buma, having destroyed the sets for
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Julia Child, MacNeil/Lehrer, and Wall Street Week, is now wreaking
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havoc on the pledge drive, while the Station Manager scolds the
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camera.]
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DIRECTOR
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Now you see the kind of crap we have to put up with! If you tightwads
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out there would pledge a few bucks, we could afford a real security
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force! But nooooooooo, that would cut into your budget for Ho-Ho's
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and cola!
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[The back of the studio smashes open, revealing four babes in powered
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armor.]
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SYLIA
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Knight Foils! We have arrived!
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DIRECTOR
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Uhhh, tell you what, why don't we listen to a little music and get
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those phones ringing while I skedaddle my hiney out of here!
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[A Musak rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" starts up as the battle
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begins. The girls attack the Buma with little success.]
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LEONARD
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Go for the head!
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NINNY
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Is that, like, the part at the top?
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[The Buma grabs her and flings her around, knocking phones
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across the room.]
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EEEEEEEEEEEE!
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[The Buma lets go and she crashes into a wall.]
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Oooooh! I'll show you!
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[She fires her wrist gun. The kick causes her to lose control
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and mow down the pledge-helpers.]
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Oopsie.
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PISS
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Fock the 'ead! 'ere's only one way to deal with a man 'is size!
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[She runs toward the Buma.]
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Balllllllll-KICK!!!
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[She gives the Buma a super-powered kick in the groin.]
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BUMA [collapsing]
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Oorg.
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CILEA
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Now! PILE ON!!
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[The girls make short work of the Buma.]
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DIRECTOR
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Thank you! Thank you! Here's a check! Well done!
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SILLYA
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Thank *you* director!
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[To the camera]
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That's right, world! Wherever berserk Bumas menace the world, the
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Knight Foils will be there to stop them!
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DIRECTOR
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Would you care to make a donation to our pledge drive?
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PISS
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Fock your pledge drive! Put Doctor Who back on, now!!
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[Cut to the office of an evil-looking white haired gentleman. The
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plaque on his desk reads "Quincy C. Wright, President".]
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QUINCY
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Knight Foils, eh? Hmm... We may have to deal with this.
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[He hits a button on an intercom.]
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Get me Brian Jar Mason. Now.
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[Cut to the Knight-Cave, er, I mean, Selia's house. The girls and
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Wacky lounge around and discuss the situation.]
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LEONARD
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Well, we made a pretty penny tonight. What was the take? Six million
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yen?
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SELLYA
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That's about right. Of course, since we always get paid in checks
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made out to Knight Foils, that doesn't help much.
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WACKY
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Hey, I'm working on that! You think it's easy getting a bank account
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for a bunch of costumed mercenaries?
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NINNY
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We could show up at the bank in armor.
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PISS
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Yeah, an' if the fockers won't cash the check, we hold up the bank!
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LEONARD
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No, Piss. That goes against Knight Foils Rule #1: "Don't do anything
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stupid."
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NINNY
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No, that's Rule #4. Rule #1 is "Cover your ass."
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LEONARD
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I thought that was Rule #6.
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PISS
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'ere is no Rule #6.
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SLYA
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I think Genom Electric is up to something.
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LEONARD
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Like what?
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CEELIA
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I'm not sure.
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PISS
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Good enough for me! Let's kill 'em!
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NINNY
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But that violates Rule #7: "No murder without the consent of all
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members"!
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LEONARD
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No, that's Rule #5. Rule #7 is "Don't pick your nose in public."
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[Leonard and Ninny walk home in the dark.]
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NINNY
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Thanks for walking me home, Leonard. The streets are all dark and
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scary and there's never a cop around when you need one.
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LEONARD
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I thought you *were* a cop.
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NINNY
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Oh, that's right! I'll protect you instead, then.
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[A girl runs up to Leonard.]
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GIRL
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Leonard! Remember me? I was your best friend in High School!
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LEONARD
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Kathy? Wow! Fancy meeting you!
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GIRL
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Yeah! Well, I gotta go! See ya!
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[She runs off down the road and is attacked and killed by a
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Buma.]
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AARRGH!
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LEONARD
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Did you hear a scream?
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GIRL 2
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Ninny? Hi? Remember me? We met at the Police Ball last week.
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NINNY
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Oh, yeah! How are you doing?
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GIRL 2
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Oh, pretty good! Well, I'm off! See you later!
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[She runs off down the road and is attacked and killed by a
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Buma.]
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AARRGH!
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LEONARD
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You know, I think there's a pattern here we're missing.
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[She talks to her watch.]
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Wacky? Where's Cilya?
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WACKY
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She went to her High School reunion.
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LEONARD & NINNY
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Oh, NO!!!
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[Cut to a drive-thru burger joint. Piss drives through on her bike.]
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PISS
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Oy wanna double cheesburger, fries, and Coke! An' fockin' hurry 'cuz
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I'm fockin' hungry!
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[Piss obtains her burger and eats. She is approached by a
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plain-clothes policeman.]
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POLICEMAN
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That hair! That mouth! You must be Piss! I'm a big fan of yours!
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PISS
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Piss off.
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POLICEMAN
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Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Peon, an officer of the Very
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Determined Police.
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PISS
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VDPolice, eh? Why should oy care?
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PEON
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Well, I've been very busy lately, fighting crime, beating Buma,
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opening malls, that sort of thing. I'm a big man on the force. Can I
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buy you dinner?
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PISS
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Wha' does this shi' in my mouth look like, moron?
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PEON
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Well, at least let me have your autograph.
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PISS
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'Ere's my autograph!
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[She punches him in the face and drives off.]
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PEON
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She touched me! I'm in heaven!
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[Cut to the house where Leonard's reunion is being held. Cellea,
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Leonard, and Ninny survey the wreckage. The room is filled with
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corpses, and the girls are the only ones alive.]
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SILEEA
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Oh, it was awful! Every time I talked to someone, a Buma would pop
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out of nowhere and kill her! All my friends, dead!
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LEONARD
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How awful!
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NINNY
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EWWWWW!! There's blood all over the place! YUK!
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SELI-UH
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Now I'll *never* be voted Most Popular!
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[Piss comes running in.]
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PISS
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Oy! I came as fast as I could! 'Ey! Is 'at blood on the floor?!
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All roight! My kind of party!
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SELLEA
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We can't let this go unanswered. There's only one thing to do.
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PISS
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Senseless violence, roight?
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S'LEE-A
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This isn't just for me. It's for the entire Knight Foils
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organization.
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PISS
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So we're gonna kick their arses, roight?
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[Cut to Knight Foils headquarters. Wacky is showing his friends nude
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pictures of the Knights with a slide projector.]
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WACKY
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And here's Piss bathing in 10W40!
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FRIENDS
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Ooooooohhh!
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[The door flies open and Celiah enters, causing Wacky to yelp and turn
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the projector off.]
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SELIAH
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Wacky! Prepare the van! The Knight Foils are about to strike!
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[The girls get into their suits. We get to see Piss naked. Gotta
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have our quotient of T&A, you know.
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The van speeds down the highway. Those nifty crane things lower the
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Knights' bikes onto the road. Unfortunately, Ninny's bike is loaded
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backwards, and she wipes out and has to catch up.
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The four bikes head for the RCA building in Downtown New York, now
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owned by GE.]
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DOORMAN
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Take your bags? WAAH!
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[The four bikes crash through the door into the lobby. They switch to
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humanoid form, ring for an elevator and wait.
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Cut to GE Central Control, where Brian Jar Mason oversees the
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operation. Bumas run past him hurriedly while he toasts the occasion
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with a glass of sake.]
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MASON
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Let them come! Together we will celebrate the birth of SuperBuma, the
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ultimate household appliance! Ha ha ha!
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[A Buma runs into him and spills his drink all over him.]
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Asshole!
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[Cut to tastefully furnished hallway. The elevator opens and the four
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Knights and their moto-slaves tiptoe down the hallway.
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Four Bumas in intern's uniforms burst into view, sprout swords and
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attack. The girls go at it but don't have much luck.]
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SILEA
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We need more room! The quarters are too close here!
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NINNY
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Quarters? Where?
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[Ninny starts to search the carpet. A Buma drop-kicks her down the
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hall.
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Cut to the set of Late Night with David Letterman.]
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DAVE
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You know, Paul, those GE executives are all a bunch of boneheads!
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[The battle bursts onto the set, trashing it.]
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Hey Morty, I thought Stupid Buma Tricks was scheduled for *tomorrow*
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night!
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[Leonard unleashes a devastating volley, but the Buma survives by
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picking up Paul Shaffer and using him as a shield, much to the delight
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of the audience. Piss tosses her Buma into the crowd.]
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PISS
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OY! FREE BUMA!!
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[The Buma screams as the audience eagerly tears him to shreds. The
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Knights bike out of the studio and the remaining three Bumas pursue.
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Cut to the roof. Leonard, Piss, and Ninny engage the Bumas while
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Cillya is thrown off to the side. As she gets up, an armored Mason
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grabs her and squeezes her helmet.]
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MASON
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And now, we shall see.... urm.. And now, we shall see... (c'mon, you
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sunuvabitch, open) And now, we shall see who you are!
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[The helmet pops open.]
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Cylia Amana. Just as I expected.
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CYLYA
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Yes, it's me. I've been fighting ever since you killed my father!
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All he was trying to do was to invent a toaster that you could really
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set the darkness on, and you perverted his work into those evil
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machines!
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MASON
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Celia, Sylia, Selia. You just don't understand. If the public were
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to find out that the knobs on their toasters weren't connected to
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anything, our stock would plummet! He had to die!
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PISS
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Yeah, well so do you!
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[Startled, Mason drops Seelia and whirls around. The other three
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Knights stand ready for action.]
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MASON
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You--! How did you defeat my Bumas?
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LEONARD
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I tossed a copy of Blade Runner over the edge of the building. They
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went over like lemmings!
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NINNY
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It's their favorite movie!
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MASON
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Well, screw it! I don't need Buma's to defeat the likes of you! Not
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when I'm wearing my Ronco 4-in-1 Mecha Armor! It grinds!
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[Giant whirling blades come out and attack Piss' armor,
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damaging it.]
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It blends!
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[A huge pair of egg-beaters pops out, grabs Ninny, whirls her
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around and throws her away.]
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It juices!
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[Two big hands pop out and squeeze Leonards armor until it
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breaks.]
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It even...MICROWAVES!
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[A big rod pops out, points itself at Cylea and hums.
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Suddenly, lightning arcs between Cilya and Mason.]
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AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
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[Mason collapses and dies, electrocuted.]
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LEONARD
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What happened?
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SYLEA
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We are the Knight Foils, Leonard. And as everyone knows, you should
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never use a microwave on foil.
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[Cut to later at the same place. A VDPolice helicopter lands, and
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Peon hops out. Next to Mason's corpse is signed "Nite Foyls".
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Cut to a cemetary. Celiya lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear
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and walks away. Piss lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and
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walks away. Leonard lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and
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walks away. Ninny lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and
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walks away. Seliya lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and
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walks away.
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Pan back to reveal flowers on half the gravestones, plus a huge pile
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of flowers to which the Knights walk back to reload. They've got
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their work cut out for them.]
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FIN
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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P.S. Ryan, if you're out there, forgive me for not asking you first,
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but how could I deny them? 8-]
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--
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Bill "Is there life before death?" Barnes wbarnes@sura.net
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Disclaimer: Don't assume anything I say is truthful, accurate, or worthwhile.
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Datclaimer: My employers wouldn't WANT to share some of my opinions.
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