textfiles/sf/XFILES/file-ima

Ok,
	Well, I'm taking the coward's way out.  Posting this and then
running off into the mountains away from computers for an entire week.  :)
But please, please, please send me comments on this (but don't expect
responses for some time.)
	In fact, this is "Part I," but whether or not Part II ever gets
written, depends on if people want me to write it.

Obligatory Warnings:
	This is a crossover between X-Files and Animaniacs (and a touch of
Brisco County Jr.).  THIS WAS WRITTEN FOR FUN!  The characterizations of
Mulder and Scully are not as accurate as they could be, to further the
humor element.  The humor is intended to be reminiscent of the Animaniacs
cartoons.


"File-imaniaX"  (Part I)
  by Cliff Chen (cliff@eniac.seas.upenn.edu)
  August 19, 1994


Scene 1 - Office of Mr. Plotz, president of Warner Bros. Studios.

  [We see Mr. Plotz pacing in front of Ralph the Guard, Hello Nurse, and
   Dr. Scratchensniff.]

Plotz:  The Warners have escaped yet again.  We simply must do something
	about them.  Clearly, nothing we've done so far has done any good.
	So, I think it's time we called in for help.

Hello Nurse, Scratchensniff, Ralph [together in shock]:  You don't mean...

Plotz:  Yes.  [Presses hit intercom button.]  Please show them in.

  [Enter Brisco County Jr., Lord Bowler, and Dixie Cousins.]

	Ah, I've called you here to catch those pesky Warners.  I know
	you're the best.

Bowler:  Huh, is that why you let us be cancelled?!

Brisco:  Now, Bowler, let me handle this.  Let me get this straight, Mr.
	 Plotz.  First you let our show get cancelled and won't even let us
	 be shown on your own network.  And now, you want us to catch these
	 kids for you?  Now, maybe I'm missing something here, but what do
	 we get out of this?

  [Dixie looks bored and starts looking around the office, whistling softly
   to herself.]

Dixie [looking bored]:  Still don't know why I was supposed to come.  [She
	whistles softly to herself as she looks around the office.]

Brisco [aside to Dixie]:  You ain't just whistlin', Dixie.

Plotz:  Well...but I...um...that is...

Brisco:  Forget it, let's go, Bowler.

  [Brisco, Dixie, and Bowler start for the door, but Brisco stops and looks
   over at a coffee table in the middle of the office.  He walks over and
   picks up the Orb, which was being used as a centerpiece.  He throws a
   dark look at Plotz, and pulls out three of the rods, which are strangely
   black in color.]

Yakko (in the shape of a rod):  Bzzzzzt!  [Resumes normal form after
   emerging.]

Dot (in the shape of a rod):  Bzzzzzt!  [Resumes normal form]

Wakko (in the shape of a rod):  [belches]  Excuse me.  [Sheepishly resumes
   normal form]

  [Brisco looks rather astonished by this unexpected turn of events,
   and Dot jumps into his arms.]

Dot [imitating Ash from "Army of Darkness"]:  Gimme some sugar, baby!
    [Smooches him.]

  [Wakko jumps into Bowler's arms and Yakko, into Dixie's.] 

Wakko:  Can we call you Daddoo?

Yakko:  Hello, Nurse!  [kisses Dixie]  I always wanted to be kissing
	Cousins.

Bowler:  [Growls and looks at Brisco]  I told you them Orbs was trouble.

Brisco:  Now, Bowler...

Yakko:  Bowler?  I typically score a 120, but you must be pretty good if
	you're Lord Bowler!

  [Wakko pulls a bowling ball from his sack and sends it rolling towards
   Plotz, Ralph, Hello Nurse, and Scratchensniff, knocking all of them
   down.  Behind them we see lots of baseball players who walk out bearing
   signs reading "More Pay or No Play" and such.  John Kruk is the last to
   leave.]

Dot:  A strike!  A strike!

Yakko [suddenly in an umpire's outfit, pointing at Kruk]:  And one ball.

Wakko [peering at Bowler's back]:  Cool, a shotgun!  Does it work?

  [At this point, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot typically go crazy and run out
   pointing at each other, screaming "Bang! Bang!"  Disgustedly, Brisco
   and Bowler also make their way out.]

Brisco:  I heard they have jobs at CBS for people to work on the news.
	 The only "coming thing" around here is trouble.

Bowler:  Yeah, maybe I'll get a job on that Murphy Brown show...

  [Brisco, Bowler, and Dixie make their exit.]

Plotz [getting over being stunned by these events]:  Ooo...fine!  Well,
	I guess it's time to look outside the company for help.  [He
	reaches for the phone, begins to press a button, then realizes that
	he still hasn't a clue how to use it.  Opens the door and screams
	at his secretary]  Get me the FBI!

  [End scene.]


Scene 2 - X-Files division of the FBI

  [Mulder and Scully are sitting at their desks, apparently reading various
   files.  The phone on Mulder's desk rings.]

Mulder:  Mulder.  [pauses to listen]  But...  [quiet again]  Ok, whatever.
	 [Hangs up.]

  [Scully looks at Mulder quizzically.]

Mulder:  So, uh, Scully, how'd you like to take in a movie?

Scully:  [smiles as if he were joking] And what was that call?

Mulder:  A missing persons case...[sarcastically] a gift from Skinner.

Scully:  Any background info?

Mulder:  Well, apparently, we're supposed to find three kids who have gone
	 missing at the Warner Bros. Studios.  We are to contact a
	 Mr. Plotz and get the details from him.

  [End scene.]


Scene 3 - Mr. Plotz' Office

  [It appears that Plotz has explained the situation.]

Plotz:  So, that's the situation.

Scully:  Mr. Plotz, I'm sorry, but if these Warners have been tormenting
	 you, why did you say they were missing?

Plotz:  Well, Agent Scully, I had to get you here somehow.

Scully:  But this isn't a missing person case.  It sound more like you need
	 a babysitter.

Mulder [silent in thought until now]:  So, where were they last seen?

Scully:  Mulder, this isn't a criminal case.  We shouldn't be here.

  [Mulder throws her a look as if he knows something she doesn't.]

Mulder [to Plotz]:  So, we can assume that your security guards will help us
	in any way.

Plotz:  Of course, of course, just catch those Warners!

  [Mulder leads Scully outside the office.]

Scully:  Ok, Mulder.  What's up?

Mulder:  Well, after seeing a picture of those Warners, you must admit that
	 they are not an indigenous species of this planet.

Scully:  Aliens, Mulder?

Mulder:  Think about it.  By all reports, these Warners have incredible
	 powers:  shape-changing, the ability to create anything out of
	 thin air, and they are 65 years old and certainly don't look it.

Scully:  So can Doug Henning, but he's not an alien.

Mulder:  [smiling] Are you sure?

Scully [giving in]:  Ok, fine, so then what's the plan?

Mulder:  We'll work undercover, posing as a married couple taking a tour of
	 the studio.  The Warners will probably come to taunt us.

Scully [looking at their current dress: suits]:  Well, we certainly aren't
	 dressed for the part.

Mulder [spotting something at the end of the hallway]:  Don't worry, I've
	 got an idea.

  [Mulder walks to the end of the hallway, where a little blonde girl is
   playing with a ball with a dog watching over her.]

Mulder [crouching]:  Hiya.  What's your name?

Mindy:  Hi, Mr. Man!

  [Puzzled by her response, he looks at Buttons, who is holding up a sign
   which reads "Mindy."]

Mulder:  Hmm, ok, Mindy.  Now, listen, we're going to play a game.  You
	 have to pretend I'm your daddy, and Scully here is your mommy.

Mindy:  Ok, Mr. Man!

Scully:  How adorable.  [Picks up Mindy.]  Hiya, Mindy.

Mindy:  Hello, FBI-Lady!

Mulder:  Ssssh!  We're going to be undercover, Mindy.  So, be quiet.

Mindy:  Why?

Mulder:  Because we need to pretend.

Mindy:  Why?

Scully:  Because, Mindy, we are playing a game.

Mindy:  Why?

Scully:  Because we don't want someone to find us.

Mindy:  Ok, I love ya, bye-bye!

  [Mulder, Buttons, and Scully, carrying Mindy walk down the hall to the
   elevators.]

Mindy:  Where are we going, FBI-Lady?

Scully:  Mindy, call me Mom, Mommy, just not FBI-Lady.

Mindy:  Ok, FBI-Lady.

Scully:  [rolls her eyes] And my mother wonders why I'm not married yet.

  [They enter an elevator to find Baby Plucky inside.  Mulder reaches to
   press the button for the Lobby.]

Baby Plucky:  No you push the button!  I push the button.  I push 8!  I
	      push 8!  [Jumps up and hits 8]

Mulder:  But we want to go to the lobby.  [Again, reaches for the button.]

Baby Plucky [blocks the panel with his body]:  No your elelator, MY
	     elelator!

  [The door closes to continuing cries of "Elelator go up!" and "I push
   the button!"  End scene.]


Scene 4 - Acme Labs (on the studio grounds)

Brain [looking out the window of the lab]:  Pinky!  Quickly, we must hide our
	equipment, the FBI are coming.  It wouldn't do to have our plans to
	take over the world foiled so soon.

Pinky:  Right, Brain.  Uh...Brain, we don't have any equipment.  All we have
	is this big cup full of green liquid.  [Points to an Erlenmeyer flask
	labelled Purity Control.]

Brain [whacking Pinky over the head with a pencil]:  That IS the equipment,
	Pinky.  This sample of alien DNA will allow us to modify ourselves
	with super powers, and no one will be able to stand against us!

Pinky:  Oh, right.  Sorry.  It just looks so much like green Kool-Aid.

  [He pushes the flask out of sight behind the cage.]

Brain:  There is no such thing as green Kool-Aid, Pinky.  Now, keep quiet,
	they're coming in.

  [Enter Mulder, Scully, Buttons, and Mindy]

Scully:  Mulder, what reason would a studio have for keeping an experimental
	 science laboratory?

Mulder:  I don't know, let's take a look around.

Scully:  There doesn't seem to be anyone around, except for these caged lab
	 animals.

Mulder:  You know, this one here seems to have an abnormally large head.

Pinky [snickers]:  Bighead Brain!  [laughs]

Brain:  Pardon me, sir, but it is only my cranium and brain which are
	abnormally large, and as such give me superhuman intelligence.
	[pauses, realizing he may have given away too much]  But that is not
	to say we aren't just plain laboratory mice.

Scully [puts Mindy down on the counter]:  Mulder, are you talking to the
	rats?

Brain:  Pardon me, miss, but we are not rats, we are two lab mice with
	plans for world conquest.

Scully:  Oh, ok, whatever.

Mindy [finding the Purity Control flask]:  Kool-Aid!  [begins to tilt it
	back to drink.]

  [Buttons squawks and dives forward, knocking the flask out of her hands.
   The flask falls into a sink and the liquid is quickly down the drain.]

Baby Plucky [sticks in head from side of screen]:  Monkey peepee go down
	     the hole! [laughes and vanishes]

Mulder:  Well, there doesn't seem to be anything here.  Let's go find the
	 Warners.

  [Scully picks up Mindy and they all leave except Pinky and Brain sulking.]

Brain:  Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Pinky:  I think so, Brain.  But if Michael married Lisa Marie, what is Tito
	going to do?

Brain:  Pinky, was your mother drunk when you were born?

Pinky:  No, she was too busy smoking.  [Continues to babble...]

Brain:  Never mind, shut up, Pinky.  I've got to think of a new plan for
	tomorrow.

Pinky:  Why, what are we goin' to do tomorrow, Brain?

Brain:  The same thing we do every day, try...

Pinky:  Oh, right, I know, I know.  Try and take over the world, yeah.

  [Cue music and fade out:  "They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain,
   Brain, Brain..."]

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