textfiles/sf/XFILES/encinopa

Well, here it is!  Sorry It took me so long.  I didn't know how to copy
files.  Anyways, this story is HUMORUS and not to be taken seriously.  Any
feed back at all would be greatly appreciated.

Enjoy!  


Read, tested, and proven to make you laugh, I give you....
(The X-Files episode "Ice" meets the movie "Encino Man")
By: AlyseW@aol.com 
 
     Mulder and Scully are driving to Doolittle air field to
catch their flight up to the Icy Cape, where they're latest
case is taking them.  Mulder is briefing Scully now.  
Let's listen in....  
     "The Arctic Ice Core Project was a team of 5 men sent up
to the Icy Cape to drill through layers of prehistoric ice. Then, 
all of a sudden, all contact with the team was lost."  Mulder explained.  
     "We've pulled the case because no one else could handle it.  The
Bureau obviously thinks we're either brilliant or expendable."
     "Well, I know which one I am, and since expendable is the only 
one left..."
     "When we get up there, we'll meet some other scientists. I've 
heard they're weird," Mulder warned her.
     "They must be down-right *scary* if *you* think they're weird," 
Scully commented.
     Mulder stopped the car and got out.  Scully followed.  He walked 
over to a group consisting of two men and a woman.
     "I'm Mulder, this is Scully.  We're from the FBI,"  Mulder introduced 
themselves to their companions. The men introduced themselves as Hodge 
and Murphy.  The woman was Da Silva.
     "Can I see some proof that we are who we say we are?" Hodge requested. 
"Licence, registration, birth certificate, note from your mother?"
     They all produced the requested documents.  Scully looked over at 
Mulder's I.D.
     "Mulder, that's you're fake I.D., you bone head."
     "Oops," Mulder said, embarrassed.  He showed Hodge his real I.D.  
A tall man came up behind the group as everyone put away their I.D.'s  
     "I'm Moose, your pilot." 
     "Care to certify that?" Hodge demanded.
     "Okay,"  Moose turned around and pulled down his pants, revealing the
word "Moose" tattooed on his butt.  "Let's get going."
      The group lands on the Cape and crow bar the door open to the AICP 
compound.  The first thing they see are the five dead bodies lying on the 
ground.  Scully immediately begins the autopsies while the others put 
their stuff in their rooms and begin to document the scene.
      "Well, it seems the C.O.D.'s in all the men were self-inflicted 
gunshot wounds," Scully declares an hour later.
      Mulder emerges from a back room.  "You guys, come back here.  
You'll never believe what I just found."      
      "Your sister," Scully suggests.
      "The cat that ran away when you were 8,"  replied Da Silva.      
      "A million dollars," exclaimed Hodge.      
      "A huge keg of beer," said Murphy excitedly. 
      "Your manhood," Moose said.
      "No, just come back here."  Mulder was so insistent that they all 
followed him back into a storage closet.  Cowering in a far corner was 
a dirty creature that was obviously human, but had a prehistoric sense 
about him.
      "I've been able to figure out that his name is Link, but that's 
really it," Mulder explained.
      Link looked around wild-eyed.  Suddenly he lunged forward and 
attacked Moose.  Everyone went into a frenzied state.  Link tackled him,
stripped off Moose's shirt and pants, gave Moose a big, wet kiss.
      "Oh, shit," Moose cried.  "I'm a cave man's boyfriend."
      Link sat down and put on Moose's clothes.  He than smiled up at
everyone.
     "He just wanted Moose's clothes.  He was probably cold,"
Da Silva commented.  After several minutes, everyone decided that that 
was the reason he acted like he did.
     The scientists began a more thorough investigation of the compound, 
while Moose sat back and mostly just watched, eating a snack.  He was 
wrapped in a blanket since Link still had his clothes and wouldn't give 
them back.  Link kept trying to wrestle the food and blanket away from Moose.
     Mulder found a paper with the words "No more, no more" scrawled all 
over it mixed in with some detailed notes of what the AICP team had 
discovered.  He was just about to show the others when a sudden shout 
came from Moose.
     "That's it!  I've had it!" 
     "Moose, what is it?" Scully asked in a concerned voice.
     "This asshole won't leave me the hell alone!"  Moose cried, motioning 
to Link.  Moose grabbed one of the AICP team member's guns from an 
evidence bag on the table ad held it up.
     "You can't kill him! He could be the most important archaeological find
ever!"  Hodge shouted.
     "Yeah, well fine. *He* won't die."  Moose put the gun to his temple 
and squeezed the trigger.  Da Silva screamed.  There was total pandemonium 
for a while.  We won't go into that.  
     Nobody could sleep that night.  Oh, yeah.  Let me catch you up to 
speed on what happened.  Moose was obviously not able to fly anyone out.  
Because of a storm, rescue teams would be unable to reach the compound 
for a day or two.  Now let's return to "Encino Ice", already in progress....
     Everyone was in a melancholy mood.  Link had said, with what
extremely limited language skills he had, that he was tired, and had 
gone to sleep.  Mulder suddenly remembered the notes he'd found 
describing the project.
     "Hey, I almost forgot.  I found notes that describe the project."
     "Yeah, Mulder.  It's not that hard to figure.  Five guys, hired to 
dig a huge hole in the ice,"  Scully stated dryly.
     "No.  This describes what they found.  Link.  It states that they 
named him Link because they felt that he could be the missing one." 
     "I think *you're* missing a few, too."  Scully grumbled.      
     "That time of the month, Scully?" Mulder asked.      
     "Let's just say I forgot my Midol."
     "Oh, don't you hate it when that happens?" Da Silva said.  "You get 
all--"
     "Ladies, please. Let Mulder finish,"  Murphy begged (yes, Murphy 
is still here).
     "Thank you Murphy.  Anyways, from what I could gather, the AICP feels 
that Link is a type of human parasite.  He gets real attached to someone,
taking food, clothing, whatever they can get.  They're so annoying that 
they usually drive their host to suicide."
     "But why would a parasite kill their host?"  Da Silva inquired. 
     "They don't really mean to.  They're just so needy."
     "Is there any way to kill them?"  This time it was Murphy asking.
     Mulder flipped through the notes.  "It seems if you introduce two
parasites to each other, and have only one host present, the parasites 
will kill each other.  They're not able to tolerate sharing their one 
source of food with another.  
     But by the time the scientists figured this out, Link had already 
gotten to them.  This last entry says 'The only way to kill to parasite 
is to introduce it to another.  The last parasite is in the freezer 
located in--shit, my gun went off.  I'm dead.'  We have to find that 
freezer."
     "Well, there was that room that I never got a chance to check," 
Da Silva stammered.
     The group raced through the compound, until they found the room 
Da Silva spoke of.  Mulder broke in.  The room was, indeed, the freezer.  
In the center of the room,  a huge block of ice sat on a gurney.  Mulder 
and Hodge wheeled the ice out into the front room, where it immediately 
began to melt.  As it melted, the group discussed how they would go about 
destroying the parasites.
     Mulder had his usual objections, but Scully shut him up real quick 
with a single, bitchy look.
     The plan they all agreed upon goes as follows:  Mulder will take 
the other parasite into the room where Link was sleeping (The others
were to chicken.  Actually, so was Mulder, but he drew the short straw).  
Everyone else would wait right outside to make sure everything was okay.  
If everything went according to plans, the parasites would kill each other 
and the scientists would be safe.
     The other parasite woke up (the ice had melted) and took an immediate 
liking to Mulder (Than again, Mulder was the only one left in the room.  
The others were hiding).  Mulder led Link 2 into the room where Link 
one was.  The other 4 scientists waited impatiently outside the door.  
There were horrifying sounds as the parasites killed each other.  All
went quiet, and the four outside waited nervously.  The door opened, 
and Mulder emerged, a stupid smile on his face.
     "Excuse me a moment," Mulder turned around, threw up everything he 
had eaten in the past week, and slowly turned around.  "Check please," 
he said before he fainted.

     To wrap up the story, the five scientists were rescued, and the 
government used the compound as a prison for hardened criminals.
     You may be wondering, "Why didn't any of them just shoot Link?"
     Well now, that wouldn't have made for a very good story, now would it?