textfiles/sf/STARTREK/bartrekw

Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!psuvax1!psuvm!tab129
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Wednesday, 8 Apr 1992 15:03:55 EDT
From: Todd Alan Bobenrieth <TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu>
Message-ID: <92099.150355TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Bar Trek:"Who's Afraid of a Virginia Worf?"
Lines: 747

BAR TREK-"Who's Afraid of a Virginia Worf?"

Here is the fifth installment of the much heralded (NOT!) BarTrek series.
Due to lack of time and ideas...this will be the next to last episode.
Within a week or so of the posting of this one will be THE final episode
of BarTrek so get ready for a BIG finale. Anyway, for those of you who
have never read one of my parodies or don't remember, here is the cast as
they relate to the cast of Cheers...

Picard.....Frazier(I thought of it before they did)
Data.......Cliff Clavin
Worf.......Norm Peterson
LaForge....Woody
Guinan.....Carla
Ro.........Woody's Girlfriend
Beverly....Lilith
Riker/Rom Commander...Sam Malone
O'Brien...Leslie Nielson
Alexander..Carla's son(I forget his name)
Sela.....Diane Chambers

The rest of the characters are dead, as per earlier episodes. Let's begin. This
one takes place shortly after Geordie Diem.

Fade into Ten Forward where Worf and Data are sitting at the bar.

Worf: Data, please go away.

Data: I just want to make sure that, ah, you are not still mad that I was
      chosen to replace Commander Riker.

Worf: It doesn't bother me, now leave!

Data: But I haven't ordered yet.

Guinan walks by and throws a drink in Data's face.

Data: That ought to do.

Picard(voice only): Mr. Worf, Mr. Data, report to the bridge immediatley.
                    Red Alert.

Worf and Data exit. We cut to the bridge where Picard is in his chair.

Ro: Captain, the vessel has cloaked.

Picard: Oh wonderful.

Worf and Data enter.

Data: Why are we on Red Alert, sir?

Picard: Look at that Romulan Warbird on the screen.

Data and Worf stare up at the screen and squint.

Worf: I see no Romulans!

Picard: Well you would if it wasn't cloaked.

Ro: Captain, message coming in from the warbird.

Picard: On screen.

Ro: Audio only.

Picard: Proceed.

Rom(voice only): Federation starship, you are in Romulan space. You are under
                 arrest.

Picard: To whom am I speaking?

Rom: I am Commander...ungh(slap heard) Bob!!! Call me Bob!

Picard: Well, BOB.you are mistaken. This is Federation space.

Bob: Is not!

Picard: Is too!

The viewer shows the warbird decloak.

Bob: Think you can stand up to one of these babies?

Picard: Yes!

Eight more warbirds decloak

Bob: How about now?

Close up of Picard's face as we fade to titles and theme music.

Fade back in to an ext. shot of the Enterprise surrounded by Warbirds.

Picard: What is the meaning of this? You know this is Federation space.

Bob: Sorry, we have claimed this space for our empire.

Picard(Aside to Data): Can they do that?

Data: Not legally, sir.

Picard: I see... Commander Bob, what do you want of us?

Bob: You will come back with us to Romulus and become slaves!

Picard: That is a tired cliche!

Bob: I know, but our government is very conservative.

Picard: I cannot allow you to take my ship.

Bob: You cannot stop us.

Picard: Try me.

Rom #2: I already have Jean-Luc.

Picard: I know that voice...show yourself.

The viewer switches to a shot of the Romulan.

Crusher: It can't be!

Picard: Will???

The Rom lookalike of Riker, without a beard, smirks.

Crusher: What a rather intricate developement.

Picard: How is this possible?

Rom: You recall your old friend, Tasha Yar...

Picard: Let me guess, you're her brother??!!

Rom: No, her son.

Picard: Oh really? And I suppose you have proof of this?

Rom: Does looking at me not suffice?

Crusher: He's got you there, Jean-Luc.

Picard: Perhaps, my dear, but I need more evidence.

Rom: More evidence, you say? How about this...

He clicks his fingers and two Romulan woman run to him.

Picard: He is definitely related to Riker. But why now??

Rom: There is no better time. I have come to take daddy home.

Picard glances at Crusher.

Picard: Um, he's not here right now.

Rom: Where is he?

Picard: He is...on vacation.

LaForge: No he isn't, sir. He died last week.

Picard appears to be ready to burst.

Rom: My father is dead?! Hmmm..I guess I'll have to take someone else.

Data: Romulan Commander, you said earlier that, ah, you wished to capture
      all of us. Now you only want one.

Rom: Guys are allowed to change their minds too.

Picard: You must leave here now. Other Federation ships are on their way.

Rom: Then we must act quickly.

Picard: Worf, raise shields!!!!

Worf: Shields up, sir.

Cut to ext. shot of Rom ships firing on the Big E. Cut back to bridge.

Worf: Shields failing sir.

Computer Voice(still Casey Casem): Warning, outer hull breach in twenty seconds

Data: Torpedo bay damaged, sir. Main phasor banks shorted out.

Picard: Increase power to shields. Try to repair the weapons quick!

The warbirds continue to fire, then suddenly stop.

Picard: Now what?

The eight other ships leave the area and cloak.

Picard: I don't understand this at all.

The screen switches back to the Romulan Commander.

Rom: Your shields are gone. You have no weapons, and now you'll have one less
     crewmember. Don't try to interfere or you will all lose your lives.

Two Romulans beam onto the bridge of the Enterprise.

Rom#1: Nobody move

Worf sticks out his tongue at them.

Rom#2: Klingon idiot!

He phasers Worf, who falls to the floor. The Romulans pick him up and all
three beam away.

We fade to a commercial, then back in to the Big E, where Picard, Ro, Data, and
Crusher are in the Ready Room.

Picard: What could they possibly want with Worf?

Ro: His good sense of humor?

Crusher: His preponderance for fine cousine?

Data: He is a, ah, Klingon, Cappy. And as we all know, Romulans aren't too
      fond of Klingons. They might just use him for torture.

Picard: Regardless of their intentions, we must get him back.

Crusher: When do those ships you mentioned arrive?

Picard: I made that up.

Ro: A wise decision, sir.

Picard: Why all of a sudden are you being such a good officer? And what's with
        that stupid haircut??

Ro: Sir,I..

Geordie: Captain, the Romulan Warbird is leaving.

Picard: On my way.

Cut to the bridge of the Warbird.

Worf: What do you want from me?

Rom: Have a seat, Klingon.

Worf refuese to sit, but two guards push him down and tie his arms.

Rom: I said guys could change their minds too. Yours will be changed for you.

Close up on Worf as we cut to an ext. shot of the Enterprise.

Picard: Captain's Log, Supplimental: The Romulans have captured Mr. Worf and
        are heading back to the Neutral Zone. The Enterprise is in pursuit of
        their vessel and all we can do is pass time.

Cut to holodeck, where Picard and Data are playing hopscotch.

Data: Captain, you have obviously never played this game before.

Picard is lying face-first on the ground. He stands up and tugs on his shirt.

Picard: I'm not as good at this as I am at polo.

Data: Yeah, sure.

Ro(voice only): Captain, we are approaching the Romulan vessel.

Picard: I'm on my way.

Picard and Data exit. Cut to bridge where LaForge is watching "I Love Lucy" on
the viewer. Picard and Data enter from the turbolift.

Picard: What's the status, Mr. LaForge?

Geordie: Lucy and Ethel are messing up their job at a candy factory.

Picard: No, I mean with the Romulan ship.

Geordie: Oh, lemme check. (hits some buttons) It seems to have suffered some
         kind of damage to its engines.

Picard: This is our chance. Mr. O'Brien, lock on to Worf and beam him home.

O'Brien: We are too far from Klinzhai to beam him there.

Picard: TO THE ENTERPRISE!!!!!!

O'Brien: Check.

Ro: Sir, they are firing at us.

Picard: DUCK!!

Picard and Ro duck as the cream pies thrown by Data and LaForge sail over their
heads.

Picard: That'll be enough of that!

On the viewer,the Romulan Warbirds explodes.

O'Brien: Sir, the Warbird has exploded.

Picard: No??!!!!

O'Brien: It's true.

Picard: Tell me you got Worf out of there.

O'Brien: Alright, you got Worf out of there.

Picard: Mr. O'Brien, did you get Worf out of there in time?

O'Brien: Aye, sir. But he wasn't alone.

Picard: What do you mean?

O'Brien: Someone came with him.

Picard: WHO???!!!!!

O'Brien: The Romulan Commander.

Picard raises his eyebrows as we fade out.

COMMERCIAL

"Have you ever been in an accident? Does you insurance company not cover
 incidents involving penguins? Call the law offices of Dewey, Cheetum, and
 Howe. Our legal assistants are waiting for you call, and don't forget...
 we won't take a massive chunk of your money until you receive it. Call today."

Fade back in to transporter room #2 where O'Brien is holding a banana at the
back of the Romulan's head. Picard and Data enter.

Picard: So..Bob...looks like you goofed up.

Rom: Don't think this is over, Picard!

Worf takes the Romulan away.

Picard: What do you think he meant by that?

Data: Most likely an idle threat, nothing more.

The Red Alert claxons go off.

Ro(voice only): Captain, the Romulan Commander has escaped and is destroying
                parts of the ship.

Picard: I thought Worf had him restrained.

Ro: Sir, Worf is helping him.

Picard: What?!

Ro: SIR, WORF IS HELPING HIM!!!!

Picard: No way.

Ro: Way!     (sorry, had to do that)

Wesley: Captain...

Picard: YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (jumps into Data's arms) Where did you come from?

Wesley: Sir, I realize its probably been a while for you, but....

Picard: I mean how did you get on the ship?

Wesley: I was kicked out of Starfleet Academy for accidentally shooting
        Boothby.

Picard: Boothby???

Wesley: Yes, and they assigned me to the Enterprise for the remaining two
        episodes.

Picard: Remaining two episodes? How do you know this?

Wesley: It said so at the beginning of the script.

Picard: Ahhh. (looks at Data) Put me down.

Data: You jerk-off!!!

Picard: No, I mean let me down.

Data drops Picard, who hits the floor hard.

Picard: Alright, but we have a bit of a problem right now.

Wesley: I know, the renegade Romulan who looks like Commander Riker.

Picard: Exactly, any ideas?

Wesley: Let's go look for them.

Picard hits himself on the head and they exit.

Cut to sick bay where Crusher is intently sewing.

Picard: Doctor Crusher, we have an emergency, come with us now!

Crusher: Yes, beloved, let me conclude this venture first.

She finishes up and holds up a pair of baby booties. She exits.

Cut to Shuttlebay Four, where Barclay is carefully stacking heavy barrels
with an anti-grav crane. Worf and the Commander enter.

Worf: Lt. Barclay, look up...look down..look at my fist! (punches Barclay)

Barclay falls and they two hide him behind the barrels.

Rom: Well done, Worf. Now lets get ready to signal the fleet.

Worf: Aye, sir.

Cut to bridge, where Ro is playing an atari game with LaForge.

Picard(voice only): Ensign Ro, any further reports of violence?

Ro: Well, Geordie just destroyed one of my ships.

Picard: Violence concerning the Romulan and Worf!!

Ro: Well, they have spray-painted some rather derrogatory remarks on Deck 15.

Picard: Quick, get the paint thinner crews to that area. Picard out.

Cut back to Deck 26, where Picard, Wesley, and Data are looking in every room.

Wesley: Nothing in here.

Picard: Wesley, that's the trash compactor.

Wesley: Oh.

Data: Sir, why don't we ask the computer to locate Worfy?

Picard: Not a bad idea. Computer, locate Mr. Worf.

Computer: Mr. Worf is in Shuttlebay Four.

Picard: I suggest we go to Shuttlebay Four.

Data: Good thinking, Johnny.

The three run towards the Shuttlebay.
Cut back to Shuttlebay Four where Worf is punching controls into the computer.

Rom: You must hurry. They already know where we are.

Worf: They don't know where we are. They would have flooded the area with
      noxious gasses if they did.

Suddenly, right on cue, gas flows out of the vents.

Rom: Good work, Klingon.

Worf shrugs. Picard, Wesley, and Data come into the Shuttlebay.

Worf: Stay away, Captain. I will be forced to take action against you if you
      interfere.

Picard: Worf, you must fight the control of the Romulan.

Worf raises his hand and puts his pointer finger in the air.

Worf: Worf's not here right now, Captain Picard.

Picard: Ensign Ro, stop with the gas already.

Ro(voice only): Sorry sir, gas stopping now.

The gas stops coming out of the vents.

Picard: What was that anyway?

Ro: Klingon Approdesiac! I thought it might help.

Worf glances over at the Romulan seductively

Rom: Stop looking at me that way.

Crusher runs into the room. Worf seizes her as a hostage.

Rom: Now all of you, back up and face the wall.

Fade out to a commercial

COMMERCIAL

"This weekend on pay-per-view...it's WrestleMania MCMXXXVII, where WWF Champion
 Macho Man Randy Savage defends the title against the number one challenger:
 Hannibal Lector!!!
 Savage: Oooooh, yeah, Hannibal Lector...when we get inside that steel cage,
         I'm gonna fry you!!!!

Lector: Yes, Mr. Savage, there will be frying done. But it will be me frying
        you in a light cheese sauce.

Also: Hulk Hogan will announce if he is finally going to retire, or stay here
      and further extend my pocketbook. Don't miss WrestleMania, live as it
       happens and only on pay-per-view!!!

Fade back in to Shuttlebay Four, where Worf is feeling out Crusher.

Crusher: Stop it you overgrown chia pet!

Rom: Quiet! Now, Worf. How close is the fleet?

Worf: Two days away.

Rom: Good! Now, Picard...dance!!!

Picard: Dance???

Rom: Did I mispronounce it?!

Data: If I may, sir... the correct pronunciation of the word, at least the
      English equivalent has, ah, been handed down from the original word...

ALL: SHUT UP!!!!!

Rom: You see Picard, this is the first step in the annihilation of the
     puny Federation.

Picard: Watch your language!

Wesley moves behind a console and takes out his phaser.

Rom: We have easily brainwashed your comrade, Worf, and you will be next.

Picard: I see. This has been tried before, you know, and by a much more
        powerful race.

Rom: The Indy 500?

Picard: NO!!!! The Borg!!!!

Picard glances over to see that Wesley is aiming his phaser at the Romulan.

Picard: Wesley, now!

Wesley fires once, which makes him stumble backward, firing wildly.
The Romulan is hit, and disappears, the then hits Dr. Crusher in the head,
she disappears. A third shot hits the stacked barrels which tumble on top
of Worf.

Picard: Umm....nice shootin', Tex.

Wesley: Thank you, sir...but my name is Wes.

Picard, Data, and Wesley walk over to where Worf is laying with a barrel on
his back.

Picard: Mr. Worf, are you alright?

Worf: Do I LOOK alright???!!!

Data: The, ah, Klingon's got a point there, Cappy.

Wesley: Worf, have you been released of the brainwashing effect?

Worf: Yes, back to normal.

Picard: Good, then you can report to clean up duty on Level 15.

Worf: Aye, sir...but can I make one request?

Picard: Of course.

Worf: GET THIS BARREL OFF MY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Data picks up the barrel and sets it beside Worf, then kicks him.

Data: Get up, you lazy half breed.

Worf tries to stand up, but can't.

Worf: I can't move!

Data picks up Worf's hand and lets it drop.

Data: He's right, Johnny...he seems to be, ah, paralyzed.

Picard: Para...

Data: No, not para....paralyzed.

Picard: Hmmm...first Wesley kills his own mother. Now this...Two crew members
        in one episode.

Data looks through a book.

Data: That is a new record, sir.

Picard: Well, lets get him to sick bay and see if Doctor Kazoo can save him.

Cut to sick bay, where Dr. Kazoo and a visiting Dr. Pulaski(played by
Audrey Hepburn) are looking at x-rays of Worf's back.

Kazoo: Looks like we will not be able to repair his spinal cord.

Pulaski: Nope...any other ideas?

Kazoo: Maybe we could try the new replacement system I developed last week.

Pulaski: Is it safe?

Kazoo: Doctor, now is not the time for old movie references.

Pulaski: Indeed, sorry. But will Worf have a good chance to live?

Kazoo: I can't tell.

Pulaski: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Kazoo: No, I mean I don't know.

Pulaski: Lets tell him what his alternatives are.

Cut to Worf laying on the table, later that day.

Worf: Captain, I must ask a big favor of you.

Picard: If its about the cheese rations, I told you we can't budge.

Worf: No no no...

Picard: And no more autographs for Alexander...

Worf: Captain...I request that you kill me.

Picard: Kill you?? Why?

Worf: I am useless now.

Picard: To be honest with you, Worf, you were useless before.

Worf: I know. But now I can't even move.

Picard: Worf, I cannot kill you.

Worf: If you do not, I will do it myself.

Picard: For God's sake, Worf, show a little backbone...

Worf frowns.

Picard: Oh...I'm sorry, Worf.. I didn't mean...

Worf: Sure, whatever.

Picard: Don't you have any other options?

Worf: There is the new replacement surgery suggested by Dr. Kazoo...but there
      isn't much chance of recovery.

Picard: Any chance would be better than just killing yourself.

Worf: Are you ordering me to allow the surgery?

Picard: Yes.

Worf: Fine. Make it so.

Picard opens his mouth to respond as we fade to a commercial.

I really wanna get the parody done, so the commercial has been cancelled.

Fade back in to the operating room parlour.

Picard: What is taking them so long?

Data: I believe the operation is, sir.

Picard: Shut up, you pinhead.

Data mouths, "Pinhead?" and feels the top of his head.

Pulaski and Kazoo come out.

Picard: How did it go, Doctors?

Kazoo: Well, there was extensive damage to his spinal cord. It was unrepairable
       and threatened his life.

Pulaski: Dr. Kazoo's new technique was attempted to see if we could give Worf
         a replacement spinal cord. The operation went as well as could be.

Picard: Then Worf is alright?

Pulaski: Well, for a few minutes...Worf was dead. But there is something that
         only a handful of Trekkers know...Klingons have two of almost every
         organ in their body. Because he has two hearts, Worf should be able
         to function well enough while he recouperates...

Kazoo: You say his other heart also works?

Pulaski: Yes, of course it does...why do you ask?

Kazoo: Ummm....I thought it was just like spare parts and removed the newer
       one...

Pulaski: You mean????

Everyone looks into the camera

Cut to the outside of the Enterprise as a photon tube is shot out and impacts
with a star that is nearby. The star erupts as the Big E warp off into the
distance. We fade to black and then back into closing theme and titles.

Well, there it is...the latest chapter in the BarTrek series. As I said earlier
there will only be one more story, then I hang up my writer's hat and call it
a day. So I intend to make the last story as funny as possible, it will be
finished in a few weeks. Until then...tell me via E-mail or post your thoughts
on this tale...

 *********************************************************************
 *                                                                   *
 * It's the JNaii, they bother me.             - Worf & Troi during  *
 *     Why?                                      a card game in      *
 * They just do.....they're all alike.           "The Outcast"       *
 *                                                                   *
 *********************************************************************
 *                                                                   *
 * For a free transcript of anything I say, send $29.95 to           *
 * Todd A. Bobenrieth(TAB129)@PSUVM                                  *
 *                                                                   *
 *                                                                   *
 *                                                                   *
 *********************************************************************