179 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
179 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: The .plan file of life
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Date: 13 Feb 90 11:30:12 GMT
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This .plan file is my creation, and it actually resides on
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my account at ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu
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The account I'm using to send this mail to you cannot
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(in my opinion) contain this .plan file because I doubt that
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the School of Engineering here at UCLA will appreciate it.
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I am assuming the reader is familiar with the C language.
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You may decide whether it is a bit too sexist and ROT13 it.
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So anyways, here's the file ...
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PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers
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to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able
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partner (over a LAN or the Internet?).
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In order for me to do that, I must first teach the
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programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can
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only be done in C (C++ version coming out soon).
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So, here it is, excerpts from the book titled:
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"SEXX, a brief practical introduction".
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Also available are:
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1) "SEXX - programmers' HANDbook".
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2) "SEXX - programmers' guide".
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3) "SEXX - programmers' tools".
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4) "SEXX - programmers' manual".
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(c) 1990 - Maxx Kisslick's Software Series.
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---------------- page 15 ----------------
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#include "people.h"
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#include "items.h"
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#include "places.h"
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#include "personalities.h"
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procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
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person *ListOfPeople;
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item *ListOfItems;
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{
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person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
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*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
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sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */
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money wallet;
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int i;
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if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
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if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
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if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y );
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else
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
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} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
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if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE )
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
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else
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
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}
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} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
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if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) {
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printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
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if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */
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} else {
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printf("No glove no Love!?\n");
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* only once this time */
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}
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if ( PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE && PARTNER2->sex == FEMALE ) {
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position = 69;
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->tongue || PARTNER2->finger);
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ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1->tongue || PARTNER1->finger);
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} else {
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/* Finally, some good, 'old fashioned' heterosexual sex. */
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/* Also, (PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE) - "ladies first", right!? */
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switch( PARTNER1->PersonalityType ) {
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case NONE: goto( HOME ); /* She ran away, you're too ugly */
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break;
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case NUN: goto( HOME ); /* Might as well */
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break;
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case WHORE: wallet = wallet - $50;
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/* Or whatever the going rate is these days? */
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goto( MOTEL );
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break;
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case PRUDE: for(i=0; i < 10; i++ ) {
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goto( DINNER );
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wallet -= $50;
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say("I Love you, dear");
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give( GoodNightKiss );
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} /* Wow, that was more expensive than the whore */
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goto( YourPlace );
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break; /* break up and find someone better */
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case CAUTIOUS:
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goto( DINNER );
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talk( PreviousSexLife );
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lie( Haven'tHadSexFor2Years );
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goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
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ENJOY?? ( PARTNER1, PARTNER2, WithGloveOn?? );
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break;
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case CONFUSED:
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goto( DINNER );
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say( "Lets just be friends" );
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GetHerDrunk();
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goto( YourPlace ); /* because she's too drunk */
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break;
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case MentallyDisturbed:
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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goto( MentalHospital );
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LockHerUp();
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ThrowAwayTheKeys();
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break; /* and make sure she stays there */
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case WildNkinky:
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goto( RESTAURANT ); /* To eat, but not dinner */
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Quickie( UnderTableInRestaurant );
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Quickie( InTheCarInFrontOfThePoliceStation );
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goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
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Quickie( OnTheRoof );
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position = 70; /* guess what that is? */
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break; /* Exhausted, taking a break */
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case DOMINATRESS:
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if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, WhipsNchains ) == TRUE )
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->TiedUp );
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else goto( HOME ); /* No pain, no gain!! */
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break;
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case ValleyGirl:
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say( "OhMyGod, like I'm such a stud" );
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/* Valley English?! */
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say( "Lets go to my Bel Air Mansion" );
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break;
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case ENGINEER:
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take( PARTNER1, Plastic surgeon );
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take( PARTNER1, WeightLossClinic );
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wallet -= $1000;
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/* if the above somewhat improved her looks */
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if ( PARTNER1->looks > 0 ) then
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ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
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break;
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case GlenCloseType:
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case KathleenTurnerType: /* If have seen the War of the Roses */
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RunLikeHell();
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break; /* hopefully not your neck */
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case NORMAL: printf("You are out of luck!!\n");
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printf("A normal woman is an oxymoron\n");
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break;
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case OfTheMissingCase:
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say("Give me a light, NO ... Bud Lite");
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say("Tastes Great, Less filling...");
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break;
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default: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* enjoy anyways */
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printf("Anyone who has new cases, let me know\n");
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printf("I am ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu \n");
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}
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}
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} else /* when there are more than 2 people */
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ORGY( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems );
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}
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funcktion ORGY( );
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/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */
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#include "guide.c"
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