192 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
192 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
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Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
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Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.
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'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to
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mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you
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have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.
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The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,
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precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from
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screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.
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The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.
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So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.
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First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.
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In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should
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therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.
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If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
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period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the
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tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will
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cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call
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screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.
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The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these,
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carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to
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be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without
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your knowing it.
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Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!
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Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the
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tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris
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of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the
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tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind
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the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.
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Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be
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pleasured by the car.
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You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment.
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The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.
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The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing
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your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the
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sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.
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What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off.
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When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of
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the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still
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remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is
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good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.
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Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe
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in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're
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out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.
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The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You
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need the following equipment:
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1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
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If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
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xdraco@panix.com) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is
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essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter
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is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated,
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it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case,
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it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
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To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
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a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber
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dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand
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warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've
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had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good
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deal of them at a local discount-type store.
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There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been
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able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get
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through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with
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tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.
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Here is what you need to do:
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1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done
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by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).
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2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.
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3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with
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a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.
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/------------\
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\------------/
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| cut^ |
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\------------/
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4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you
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can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner
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circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than
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the circumference of your shaft.
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5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush.
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Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the
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middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape
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around the whole thing.
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6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom
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of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from
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the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.
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7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from
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cutting.
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8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end:
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attach here only
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V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit)
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======
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----------------------------
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^ \
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/ \ |
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\ / |
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V /
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----------------------------
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9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based
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lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then
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you'll be using a condom).
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Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well.
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You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one
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is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park
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and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and
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forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels
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well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher
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the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to
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rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.
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You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars,
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since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car will
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prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter
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manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts,
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so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less
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play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out.
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Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body
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under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make
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the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire.
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I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car
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sideways.
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More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one
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tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock
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faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.
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NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing
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hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car
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will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh)
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-- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. And
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you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!
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If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or
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fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not
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have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about,
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though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you
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use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom,
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and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oil
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rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.
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Enjoy your cars!
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--Dekhyr Dragon
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(xdraco@panix.com)
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