textfiles/sex/pickup.lin

        From:  byer@uxh.cso.uiuc.edu
        Date:  16 Feb 1990

        Subject:  pickup lines (offensive to women)
        Newsgroups:  rec.humor


        [Edited.  Excluded those that were more dumb or offensive than
        humorous.  Warning:  Some are still offensive; read at your own
        risk.  Do not take these seriously; that would propagate our
        society's unhealthy stereotypes.  Just enjoy the humor.]


        THE CANONICAL LIST OF MALE PICKUP LINES

        That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...

        That's a nice dress.  Could I talk you out of it?

        Do you want to see something swell?

        What do you like for breakfast?

        Hi there!  I'm interested in having breakfast with you.  Can I
        call you or just nudge you?

        Is that a tic-tac in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

        Cold out, isn't it?  (staring at breasts)

        Excuse me.  Do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

        Irish:  Have you got a little Irish in you?
        She:  Uh...  no....
        Irish:  Well, do you want some?

        Pardon me, but I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I
        was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

        Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

        Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk
        about the first thing that pops up?

        Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?

        Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.

        Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

        Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?

        At the office copy machine:  Reproducing, eh?  Can I help?

        Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and
        sofa?

        From:  MAD Magazine:  Classic Flops, Spring 1986:
        Nine Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:

                1.  "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
                2.  "Is that a false nose?"
                3.  "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
                4.  "I'm drunk."
                5.  "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
                6.  "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
                7.  "I just threw up."
                8.  "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
                9.  "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out
                    dressed like that."

        Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

        I require a tissue sample.  May I sever a little-used portion of
        your body?  (brandish forceps)

        I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of
        interesting...  Let's meet sometime...

        I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look
        pretty good.

        She (to passing man):  Excuse me, do you have the time?
        He:  Do you have the energy?

        What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?

        Will you marry me and have my children?  (Beware unfortunate
        side-effects!)

        I'm really sorry about Al.  It was a lovely funeral.  You look
        ravishing in black, did you know that?  What you need now is a
        nice backrub.  Are the straps too tight, darling?  How tragic.
        How very, very tragic.

        Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have
        a weak heart.

        Bond.  James Bond.

        You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it
        appears someone beat me to it.

        Excuse me, do you live around here often?

        Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we
        shared a cab home together?

        Would you like to see a baby picture of me?  (Show the woman a
        picture of a baby better endowed than most men.)

        You look like the type of woman who has heard every line in the
        book...  So what's one more?

        Your place, or mine?

        What's your sign?  (A good reply is, "No parking.")

        Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

        Her:  What do you think of this <article of clothing>?
        Him:  I like nothing better.

        The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked
        up to a young lady in a club and asked, "Are you ready to go
        home now?".  They left together.

        Hi.  The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

        If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it
        against me?

        Playing doctor is for kids!  Let's play gynecologist.

        Want to see my stamp collection?

        I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

        I'd look good on you.

        Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?  I
        thought you knew...

        I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.

        Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?"  (sure to get responses)

        Funny you should mention that; I was a gynecologist once.

        Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think.  Ah'm from
        Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet.

        Ya wanna try out my new "Home Artificial Insemination Kit?"

        I would kill or die to make love with you.

        I am writing a new program, and I need some test data.  What are
        your measurements?

        I have only three months to live.  (Best used before the AIDS
        scourge started.)

        I wear colorful underwear.

        Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

        I'm a copilot for American Airlines.

        I make more money than you can spend.

        My face is leaving in 15 minutes.  Be on it.

        So what do you do for a living?  (A good reply is, "female
        impersonator".)


Here it is:
        -Saturn