178 lines
6.7 KiB
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178 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
From @MCC.COM:werner%sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM Fri Aug 4 08:54:39 1989
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From: suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com (Maurice Suhre)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Dates from Hell
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Keywords: true, funny
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Message-Id: <3922@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 3 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
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Lines: 148
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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Reply-Path: trwrb!suhre
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Resent-To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
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Resent-Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1989 8:54:08 CDT
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Resent-From: Werner Uhrig <werner%molokai.sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM>
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To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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The Orange County Register (Calif newspaper) had an article
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entitled "Dates from Hell". It featured letters from various
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people about their experiences. Here are a few (names
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deleted):
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The Restaurant Tirade
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My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a
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restaurant. I was enjoying his extravagant compliments when I
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saw a snarling woman walk up behind him.
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She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He made
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hasty, embarrassed introductions. "Does your friend know you're
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engaged to be married?" she yelled. "How would you like it if I
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pulled her long hair out by the roots?" she threatened. Her
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tirade went on for 30 minutes.
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You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when
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you're a senior citizen, you don't get this kind of excitement.
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Shopping at Sears
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I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent
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polyester, including outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered
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and much too short, revealing white socks and slip-on,
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non-leather shoes.
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His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point to
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ask guys what kind of car they drive, but it's worth knowing if
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a car is safe to ride in. His definitely wasn't. It was a
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huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting a crack in
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the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory recall notice
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>From 1968.
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As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it
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safely to the restaurant he had chosen for me, one of his
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favorites, he said. He pulled into the parking lot of a place
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known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery quiche.
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After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed the
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band was pretty bad. He suggested we continue the evening by
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shopping at Sears for a bicycle he had seen in a sale flier.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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M
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More "Dates from Hell":
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The Short-of-Change Artist
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My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a Raiders
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game on one of those bus package deals... The bus provided free
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beer in cans and he wanted me to smuggle several cans into the
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coliseum. I gave him my jacket and said he could take the
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responsibility for smuggling.
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After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000
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buses that looked alike. All 10,000 had their motors running,
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and we began walking through the fumes looking for our bus. As
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we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled men relieving
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themselves against the tires of the closely parked buses.
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Then, one by one, those buses pulled away without us. Finally,
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it was just me and my date in a dark parking lot in a strange
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neighborhood. We walked across the street to a liquor store,
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where he went to the men's room again. Then he called a cab and
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I had to pay the $26 fare because he had no money.
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Less than Fine Dining
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At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after
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walking eight blocks to the restaurant. It was a sports bar
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filled with shouting, swearing, drinking men watching a
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Lakers-Celtics game.
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In the middle of eating our dinner a fight erupted at the next
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table. Food flew in the air and tables were turned over. It
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took several bouncers to end the fight, which left one man with
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torn clothing and a broken nose.
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My date seemed oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't
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understand why I wasn't eating. I told him I felt sick and
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needed some air. I needed a long walk to recover from the
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evening.
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The Laundry List of Losers
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A miserable date? Just one?
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1. The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest
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asset and demonstrated it by doing Groucho Marx imitations all
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through dinner at a fancy restaurant.
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2. The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the
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mirror and asked (on the first and only date) if I was
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ovulating.
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3. The man who demanded a list of the "specific skills and
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strengths" that I could bring to a relationship, as well as an
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analysis of the "self-destructive patterns" that caused my
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divorce.
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4. The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to
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concentrate on getting well tonight" and who spent most of the
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evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub up his nose.
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...
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Oh, never mind; it goes downhill from there.
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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Self-realization and Sushi
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After attending a religious ceremony at my date's
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"self-realization temple" and eating a sushi dinner, we returned
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to my apartment for poetry reading. He had found many scraps of
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paper buried in his battered car, which he admitted to sleeping
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in often. He insisted on reading all of them in his most
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dramatic voice.
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After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had the
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courage to show him some of my poetry. He read one or two,
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tossed them aside and said, "I'll reserve judgement on these."
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He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how it
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can feel any emotion, whether it be male or female.
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Then he wanted to select different music. He started going
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through my albums because, he said, they were better than the
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tapes, which were made from those very same albums. He became
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very upset when I told him the turntable didn't work. He told
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me that I should take better care of my things. This harassment
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>From a guy who sleeps in his car?
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I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off more
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than just a first-date kiss.
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--
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Maurice Suhre
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{decvax,ucbvax}!trwrb!suhre
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA
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