79 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
79 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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Gerbil Stuffing
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The following was taken from Cecil Adams' book "More of The Straight Dope."
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Q: While discussing a gay acquaintance recently, my friend Mary, a nurse,
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lauded him by adding, "and he's no damn gerbil stuffer, either." When I
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protested that she should not perpetuate cruel stereotypes of our homosexual
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brethren, she informed me that she personally had witnessed a fellow admitted
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by her hospital to removed a deceased gerbil lodged in his rectum. That
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gentleman is now doomed to be tied to a colostomy bag through eternity. What
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I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and philosophy of gerbil stuffing?
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How are the gerbils inserted and retrieved? Don't they bit and scratch? Why
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not hamsters or snakes? Is this a common practice? My curious friends and I
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await your reply with bated breat. --Shannon O., Chicago
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A: Brace yourself, toots. What follows is not for the weak of stomach. For
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starters, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that gerbil supposedly
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turned up. The medical journals list, among other things, the following
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astonishing array: a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a
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9-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including on 14-inch model
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complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-inch water bottle,
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a deoderant bottle, a Code bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles,
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a 3 1/2-inch Japanese float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a
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150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four
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rubber balls, 72 jewler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same
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time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple,
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an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it
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got stuck when it thawed), a 10-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella
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handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a
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whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a 6 x 5-inch tool
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box weighing 22 ounces, a 6-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two
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cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a
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test tube, a ballpoint pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a
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sand-filled bicycle innertube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled
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tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a
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carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file,
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tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and
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so on. In 1955 one man who was "feeling depressed" reportedly inserted a
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6-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew
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a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood real quick.
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"Insertion of foreign bodies into the rectum," as it is formally known,
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is by no means confined to gays. Many cases are ascribed to autoeroticism on
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the part of straights. Leaving aside victims of assault or accident, however,
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practitioners do have thing in common: they're incredibly stupid. You don't
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need to be an Einstein to realize that insertion of objects presents enormous
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health risks. The rectum can become lacerated, torn, or infected. Long-term
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effects can include a flaccid sphincter and fecal incontinence.
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Which brings us to gerbils. While the examples above are well-documented
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in the medical literature, live or recently deceased fauna are something else.
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Rumors of gerbil (and mouse or hamsters) stuffing have been circulating since
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about 1982. In 1984, a Denver weekly said it had a confirmed report of
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gerbilectomy in a local emergency room. The ManhatT#6publication "New York
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Talk" reported several years ago that New York doctors first caught on to
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stuffing when they started encountering patients with infections previously
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found only in rodents. But no such case has ever found its way into the formal
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literature of medicine. Having investigated the matter in some depth, I am
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inclined to write the whole thing off as an urban legend. (I confess this
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represents a change in my thinking since my original column on the subject in
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1986.)
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Your nurse friend stoutly maintains that a patient was treated for a case
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of ingrown gerbil at her hospital in Chicago, but she concedes she did not
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read the patient's chart or see any documentary evidence. A doctor and a nurse
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at the hospital to whom she appealed for corroboration of her story say they
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know nothing of any such case, although they had both heard about gerbil
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stuffing, the nurse from cops in the emergency ward, the doctor at the medical
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meeting. That's pretty much been the story all over. I have check with
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numerous sources in both the gay and medical communities, and though everybody
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hears something, every attempt to track down an actual case
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has come to naught.
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The whole thing sounds totally nuts, to me, and implausible to boot.
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Whatever the case, take my advice and stick to mammals your own size.
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Typed by Ali Kent on 3/26/89 7:45 PM.
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