100 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
100 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
|
|
--------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
|
|
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeahman, at the
|
|
dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")?
|
|
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
|
|
kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
|
|
get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?
|
|
Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to
|
|
describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages
|
|
in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing
|
|
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
|
|
standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly revised guide to
|
|
the bases.
|
|
|
|
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
|
|
|
|
--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know
|
|
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing
|
|
and sometimes not.
|
|
--Second Base- This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
|
|
outside the clothes genital contact.
|
|
--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
|
|
partner.
|
|
--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
|
|
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was,
|
|
EVERYONE knew!
|
|
|
|
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
|
|
repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
|
|
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy)? And what
|
|
about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
|
|
questions and present without further ado...
|
|
|
|
The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
|
|
|
|
--On Deck- Having plans for a date
|
|
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
|
|
--Walk- Kissing
|
|
--Bunt- Masturbation
|
|
--Single- Tongue kissing
|
|
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
|
|
and feels
|
|
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
|
|
masturbation
|
|
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
|
|
--Home Run- SEX!!!
|
|
--Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom
|
|
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
|
|
--Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom
|
|
--Hall of Fame- Marriage
|
|
|
|
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
|
|
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
|
|
|
|
--Balk- Premature ejaculation
|
|
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
|
|
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
|
|
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
|
|
--Box Seats- Waterbed
|
|
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
|
|
--Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps
|
|
--Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)
|
|
--Rookie- Virgin
|
|
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
|
|
--Loaded Bases- Manage a trois
|
|
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
|
|
--Foul tip- Venereal Disease
|
|
--Three up and three down- impotency
|
|
--"All you"- Make the first move
|
|
--Batting Glove - sexual aide
|
|
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
|
|
old confusion with our current clarity.
|
|
|
|
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past
|
|
third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
|
|
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
|
|
run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
|
|
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked
|
|
during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
|
|
pitcher.
|
|
|
|
|
|
>> If we could, at this time, shrink the Earth's population to a
|
|
>>village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios
|
|
>>remaining the same, it would look like this:
|
|
>> There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western
|
|
>>Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans.
|
|
>> 70 would be non-white; 30 white.
|
|
>> 70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.
|
|
>> 50% of the entire world wealth would be in the hands of only 6
|
|
>> people - and all 6 would be citizens of the United States.>>
|
|
>> 70 would be unable to read.
|
|
>> 50 would suffer from malnutrition.
|
|
>> 80 would live in sub-standard housing.
|
|
>> Only 1 would have a college education.
|
|
|