352 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
352 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
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ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
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º GETTING ALL YOU WANT º
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º º
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º By º
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º Roger Victor º
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ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
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EDITOR'S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING WILL NO DOUBT ANGER MANY OF OUR
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WOMEN READERS AS WELL AS SOME MEN. WHEN YOU GET SO ANGRY YOU
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REFUSE TO READ ANY FURTHER, PLEASE JUMP TO THE LAST PAGE AND
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READ OUR OFFER.
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All you want of what? Come on! You know what I'm
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talking about, the thing that most of us spend every waking
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hour thinking about when we aren't getting all we want.
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I'm talking about the one thing that women have a one
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hundred percent monopoly on. And don't they know how to use
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it to get what they want? As the old country song says, they
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learn it in the cradle. They tease us, threaten us, deny us,
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bribe us, and get us to act like cretins and idiots before
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they hand it out in small batches.
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Most of us men will do almost anything to get it.
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We'll lie, steal, pay, and even promise to love the little
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darlings.
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Now unless you're rich, or so handsome that Greek Gods
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hide when you walk by, there is only one way you will ever
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come close to getting all you want.
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You have to have a wife.
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That's the deal men made for thousands of years.
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We brought home the meat, fought off the wolves, plowed the
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fields, and held the ladies when they were scared, all so
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that when the cooking fire burned down, we'd get access to
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the treasure cave. The girls didn't just furnish loving
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either. They cooked our food, sewed our clothes, chewed
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leather to make our moccasins, and generally made themselves
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handy all day long.
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I've never known a bachelor who was getting all he
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wanted. I certainly never did during those times in my life
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when I didn't have a wife. The feminine libbers like to call
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it prostitution these days, but call it what you like, most
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husbands paid well. Perhaps, they paid too damn well.
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Men didn't like to come home to find the creature with
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whom they wanted to roll on the ground too exhausted to move
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because she had spent the day scraping deer hides, stirring
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the mastodon stew, or pounding the clothes on a rock to get
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them clean. The answer was a credit card, a gas stove, a
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stainless steel pressure cooker, and automatic washers. All
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the sweetheart really had to do was to push the buttons on
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the dishwasher, run a vacuum cleaner across the floor, throw
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the clothes in the Maytag, pop dinner in the microwave, and
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get ready to make hubby's day as soon as he came home.
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Leave it to Eve. She kicked herself out of paradise.
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She got the idea that loverboy was having nothing but a good
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time all those hours he was out making a living so she
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decided she wanted a career too.
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Instead of looking on men as great guys who did so much
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for a woman just so he could get a bit of loving, they
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suddenly decided we were oppressors, the people keeping them
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from discovering their true selves.
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Look what we have now, a real war between the sexes.
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If you are an educated American male between the ages of
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twenty-five and sixty, if you went to college, and if you
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work with brains instead of brawn, there is an eighty-three
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per cent chance you're not getting all you want, even if you
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have a wife.
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You're spending hours in singles bars pretending you're
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the "new" male; you're changing diapers and washing the
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dishes after you've cooked the meal; you're learning how to
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cry; and you're watching TV reruns alone because your wife's
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out of town on a business trip. You may not even be reading
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this in your own home because the current woman in your life
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won't let you keep "sexist trash and pornography" in the
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place. Whether you're married or single, the *new* woman has
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got you jumping through hoops in so many different directions
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that some of you are opting out, learning to live without any
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of it at all.
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Isn't it about time you stopped worrying about what
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women want, and started to think about what you want?
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Most men have pretty damn simple wants, a stomach full
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of tasty food, a place to put our feet up in the evening, and
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all the loving we can handle.
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So, how do you do it, how do you get all you want?
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The answer is so damn simple, it's surprising more of
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you haven't figured it out.
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YOU GET A HOUSEWIFE!
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The word is housewife, like helpmate, a woman who
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accepts you as the supplier of the good life and thanks you
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for being that by giving you all you want--a woman who cooks
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your food, washes your clothes, takes care of the kids, and
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crawls in beside you every night.
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I'll bet you thought that wonderful creature didn't
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exist any more. Your wrong, they are not extinct. But they
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don't hang around the places the average modern American male
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lives.
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Whether you're a twenty-two year old just drawing your
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first pay check, a thirty-five year old that's about to
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renounce sex forever rather than risk one more put down, or a
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forty-five year old with a divorce settlement that makes the
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sex his wife handed out for fifteen years the most expensive
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thing he ever bought, there is a woman out there who can make
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you a good housewife, if you know where to look.
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You are not going to find that woman in the senior
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class at the local university. You won't find her in the
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corps of junior executives in the corporation you work for,
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nor at the country club your folks belong to. She won't be
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waiting for you in a bar where the drinks start at $5.50 a
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shot. If you're young and you grew up in a middle, or upper
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income family in the United States, there is a good chance
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you have never met the kind of woman that makes a good
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housewife.
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If you want a housewife, you'll have to find a woman
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who is living such a miserable life that she'll grab the
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chance of cooking your meals, cleaning the house, spending
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your money, and playing cotton tail in bed at night just to
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get out of the mess she hates.
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For thousands of years, women gladly jumped at becoming
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a housewife because that was a hell of a lot better life than
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anything else they might do.
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Now days, the modern, college educated, American women
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sees herself as having a lot of other options that she thinks
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are better.
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So where do you find a woman who doesn't have those
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options. Here's a few suggestions where you can start
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looking.
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THE AMERICAN POOR
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There are thousands of women working in jobs that pay
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minimum wage with no prospects for moving up the salary
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scale. They are not working because they like their career,
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they're working because they will go hungry if they don't.
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Most of them have been working since they were teenagers in
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drudge jobs that leave them dragging their ass back home to
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small apartments and tasteless meals. They are the women
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that never saw the inside of a disco, who read the funny
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papers and romance novels, not THE SATURDAY REVIEW nor the
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Sunday edition of the NEW YORK TIMES.
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That's right, one way to find the perfect housewife is
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to slide a few steps down the social ladder. Look for a
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woman who never went to college, and maybe didn't even get a
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chance to finish high school. Go hunting for a poor thing
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who will be only too happy to get pulled up a ladder she
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never thought she could climb.
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Make sure she understands what the bargain is when you
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find her. You want a housewife that will stay a housewife,
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that will stay home with the kids figuring out ways to make
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tasty but economical meals, patching the hole in your sock
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instead of throwing the pair in the wastebasket.
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I'll admit that with the joys of the American education
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system, the poor young ladies are much rarer than they used
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to be. But there are still some of them out there. All you
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have to do is look. Belief me, they will be happy you found
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them.
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But where do you look for them?
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You can't hunt deer in Central Park and you can't catch
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fish in the bathtub. If you want to find a woman that will
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happily sign up as a housewife, you'll have to go to the
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kinds of places they gather.
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One place to look is the small cities and rural towns
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of America. For every run-a-way from Minnesota that ends up
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selling it on Times Square, there are a hundred more back
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home still keeping it as a private stock and dreaming about a
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prince charming who doesn't have black grime under his finger
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nails and won't insist that she keep working at her job as a
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waitress or a construction crew flag girl so he can afford a
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six pack every evening.
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Save the money you would have spent on a Club Med
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vacation, and drive up for a weekend to one of the rural
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towns of the state you live in, not one of the places the
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tourist all go, but someplace where everybody, especially the
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women, know that a male stranger is in town.
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Take a summer vacation in the mid-west or one of the
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mountain States. Forget about the girls sitting at the bar,
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or eating in the fancy restaurant. Talk to the waitress, the
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girl checking out groceries, the counter girl at the motel, or
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the meter maid putting a parking ticket on your car.
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You may not even have to go that far from your own
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home. Most big cities have working class neighborhoods where
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parents often don't have the money to send their children to
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college. Instead of sitting at home watching the Celtics
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play basketball, take in a high school game in the part of
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town where the fathers all carry lunch boxes off to work
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every day.
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The secret is making it clear from the very beginning
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exactly what you are interested in--a housewife. When you
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meet a girl a couple of social classes down the way, make
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sure you work into the conversation early on how much you
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like the old fashion way, how badly you want a wife that will
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be a housewife.
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Making them understand that has a double advantage.
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First, you weed out those girls who have read so much modern
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junk they think a jump up the social ladder should mean an
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exciting career, not a life of luxury tending house and
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waiting for a man to come home for some tender loving. The
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second reason is that you create a situation of trust. Too
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many lower class women have been burned by the man with money
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in his pocket who was looking for variety, not a lifetime
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diet. You want to to convince them you're for real.
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THE FOREIGN BRIDE
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If you've made it in this country you wear Italian
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shoes and suits from a London tailor. You use a Japanese
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camera and watch a television set made in Korea. You drink
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German beer and French wine and who with any money drives an
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American car? So why not look for a wife in one of those
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countries that producing everything else that makes life so
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nice to live.
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You've seen the adds in the back of magazines. "Asian
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women want to meet American men." It's not just the Asian
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women who are jumping at the chance of becoming American
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housewives. There are women waiting for someone like you in
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Mexico, Spain, any of the recently communist countries, all
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of South America, and even Australia and New Zealand too.
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Don't just answer a magazine ad. Learn all you can
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about the different foreign cultures. Pick the one that
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appeals to you most and spend some vacation time visiting
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there. If possible, learn the language of the country you
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focus your attention on.
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I've spent years living overseas and I know dozens of
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American men who have married foreign women, some as a first
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wife, and many as a second try. It doesn't work every time,
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but most of the men I know with foreign wives are a lot
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happier than the boys back on Madison Avenue who are still
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trying to figure out what the American model they're living
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with really wants.
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THE NOT SO PRETTY
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Every one likes a pretty girl on his arm and all cats
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aren't the same in the dark, not if one weighs one hundred
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pounds and the second one breaks the scale at three fifty.
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Still, homely women can make damn fine lovers, and grateful
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ones too. There are thousands of women who have given up the
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hope of ever being held, cuddled, and loved because their
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parents never paid to get their teeth straightened, their
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features don't quite fit together, their breast are too
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small, their hips are too thick, or their hair too thin.
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When you meet one, make her day and give her a smile. You
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might find there is a nice person there, one that would be
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only too happy to play the old fashion game of helpmate, if
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some man would only give her a chance. You'll be surprised
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how pretty they can be in the dark.
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So what if your friends smirk whenever you show up in
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public. When they're home begging the stunning beauty they
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married for another tiny bit of the loving she hands out once
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every two weeks, you'll be sacked out and sound asleep, the
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dark hiding the silly smile on your face the same way it
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hides your wife's crossed eyes or dumbo ears.
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If you absolutely have to have a stunning blond hanging
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on your arm whenever you show up in public, hire one for the
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occasion. Believe me, it will be cheaper in the long run.
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THE RELIGIOUS LADY
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Don't forget about the woman who thinks Phyllis Shafley
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is right, the girl who believes that God intended for the man
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to rule and the woman to obey. However, move carefully here,
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unless you share those same religious beliefs. If you don't,
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expect her to spend half her life trying to save your soul.
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Worse yet, sometime the religious ones have been so sold on
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sex being evil, they never get over it being a no-no.
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They'll let you, because the priest tells them they have to,
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but they won't enjoy it, and neither will you.
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THE DIVORCED AND THE WIDOWED
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The older you get, the more of these there are going to
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be in an age group that fits your needs. There will be so
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many of them by the time you reach sixty, you may not even
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need to take a housewife to make sure you get all you want.
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Way back when I was a kid I knew a fellow named Chester who
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was sixty-five. He had a stable of women hauling his ashes
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that would have done a Mormon patriarch proud. His only
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problem was scheduling which one was putting out on what
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night.
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Still, it's not just sex we're talking about, it's the
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other goodies that go with living with a woman. If you're
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still healthy, able to pay the bills that come from
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supporting a woman, and look like you have a few more years,
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the widows and the divorcees, especially the ones with
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children, will be lining up to listen to your offers.
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ONCE YOU'VE GOT ONE PICKED OUT
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The real problem isn't finding a helpmate, it's the
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hard bargaining you have to engage in to make sure you get
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what you want. No matter where you find the woman, the key
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point is making it clear before she moves in exactly what the
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deal is. You'll be the one who earns the salary, she'll take
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care of the housework, and you decide when it's time to not
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make love. If you want to really be smart, you'll put it in
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writing, along with some very clear understandings about how
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you divide up the property and the kids if you decide she's
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no longer living up to her share of the bargain.
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The modern American woman working beside you at the
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office will hate you for it. She'll sneer at you, call you a
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pig, and try to talk your wife out of the happiness you both
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have. She will also spend a lot of time wondering why she
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can't have what that poor, foreign, uneducated, homely twit
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waiting for you at home has--a man who acts like he wants to
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act, not like NOW thinks he should act.
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I ought to make it clear here that I like the modern,
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educated, career oriented American woman. I've always liked
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bright, intelligent ladies. I agree they must be paid
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exactly what a man is paid if they are doing the same kind of
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work, and I have absolutely no problems taking orders from
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one if she happens to be the boss. At different times, I've
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worked for three different women and I got along great with
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all of them and promotions from two of them. I agree that
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they have every right to work free of sexual harrassment with
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the full respect of their co-workers.
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Some modern, educated American women even make good
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housewives. There are those who have figured out that being
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a wife and a mother can be just as rewarding and certainly as
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important to society as any job they could ever find. If you
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find one of those, you may have found the best of everything.
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EDITOR'S OFFER: EVERY HUMAN BEING IS ENTITLED TO FIND HIS OR
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HER OWN HAPPINESS, INCLUDING HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
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LIFE, THROUGH THE BARGAINING PROCESS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PRINT
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A COUNTER-PIECE TO THE ABOVE ARTICLE, WRITTEN BY A WOMAN AND
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SUGGESTING HOW THE MODERN AMERICAN WOMAN CAN BEST FIND THE
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KIND OF MAN SHE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE HER LIFE WITH AND WHAT
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KIND OF BARGAIN SHE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE WITH SUCH A PERSON.
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WE PROMISE WE WILL PUBLISH IN A FUTURE ISSUE OF *THE CHAOS
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ADVOCATE* THE BEST SUCH PIECE SUBMITTED TO US.
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+-----------------------------------------------------------------+
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| THE CHAOS ADVOCATE is copyrighted by Mack Tanner. You |
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| may review and read sections of this electronic publication |
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| to determine whether or not you would like to read the entire |
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| work. If you decide to read the entire magazine, or if you |
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| keep a copy of the magazine in the unpacked, readable format |
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| for your own personal use or review for more than two days |
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| must pay a SHARELIT fee by mailing $2.00 to |
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| Mack Tanner |
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| 1234 Nearing Rd. |
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| Moscow, ID 83843 |
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| If you want a receipt, include a self-addressed and |
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| stamped envelope. |
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+-----------------------------------------------------------------+
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