732 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
732 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
[Print out and pass this file to every married person you know!
|
|
It has changed my marriage, and I hope it helps other people as
|
|
much as it helped me. -Servant]
|
|
|
|
____________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Cultivating Affection in Your Marriage
|
|
|
|
|
|
a textfile from a booklet by
|
|
|
|
Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph. D.
|
|
|
|
(c)1987 Focus on the Family
|
|
|
|
Typed by Servant
|
|
____________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew she had found her
|
|
prince. At six feet three inches, Richard's 195 pounds were as
|
|
lean and muscular at age 23 as they had been when Jane admired
|
|
him on the basketball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome,
|
|
Richard was the strong, silent type, which only made him more
|
|
intriguing to Jane. Dates with Richard felt exciting, and when
|
|
he held her in his arms the passion level went right off the
|
|
scale.
|
|
|
|
"We've got the right chemistry," Jane assured herself.
|
|
|
|
However, after just a few months of marriage, the passion began
|
|
to pall. Jane started noticing something a bit odd: Whenever
|
|
she cuddled up for a hug or a little kiss, Richard became
|
|
sexually aroused almost immediately. Almost without
|
|
exception, physical contact led straight to the bedroom.
|
|
|
|
Jane also learned that Richard's "strong, silent" courting
|
|
style had covered his tendencies for extreme moodiness and
|
|
keeping almost everything to himself. Before they married,
|
|
Richard had told Jane that his mother had died when he was
|
|
just 10, and his father and two older brothers raised him. She
|
|
hadn't thought too much of it. "That's probably why he's so
|
|
rugged and manly," she told herself.
|
|
|
|
Jane didn't realize that Richard had grown up in a home where
|
|
displays of affection were not frequent before his mother died,
|
|
and afterward they became almost nonexistent. He literally
|
|
didn't know how to give affection, because he had received so
|
|
little himself. For Richard, AFFECTION in marriage was
|
|
synonymous with SEX, something that left Jane feeling
|
|
disillusioned and used. As their marriage approached its first
|
|
anniversary, Richard's account in Jane's "Love Bank" barely
|
|
held its own. (before the story continues, let's define the
|
|
term "Love Bank." To help my clients understand how powerful
|
|
and all-consuming a person's needs can become, I have invented
|
|
a rather artificial little device that I call the Love Bank.
|
|
Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank.
|
|
It contains many different accounts, one for each person we
|
|
know. People make their deposits or withdrawals whenever we
|
|
interact with them. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits,
|
|
and painful interactions cause withdrawals. As life goes on,
|
|
the accounts in our Love Banks fluctuate. Some of our
|
|
acquaintances build sizable deposits. Others remain in the
|
|
black, but have small balances. Still others go into the red.
|
|
In short, their accounts in our Love Banks are overdrawn. Now
|
|
lets get back to our story.) At work, Jane was transferred to
|
|
a new department, and there she met Bob, a warm and affable
|
|
fellow who loved everyone. Bob had the habit of draping his
|
|
arm over the shoulder of whomever he walked with--male and
|
|
female alike. No one took offense. He was just a friendly man
|
|
who liked everybody.
|
|
|
|
Jane noticed that she started to look forward to Bob's
|
|
occasional hugs. They always made her feel good -- warm and
|
|
comfortable and cared for. One day they met in the hall.
|
|
|
|
"Hi, Jane, how ya doin'?" Bob greeted her as he gave her a
|
|
little hug.
|
|
|
|
"You know, Bob," she said. "I've meant to tell you for a long
|
|
time how much I appreciate your hugs. It's nice to meet a man
|
|
who likes to do that."
|
|
|
|
"Well, then, come here!" he laughed and gave her another hug
|
|
and a little kiss on the cheek.
|
|
|
|
Jane tried to act calm, but that little peck started her heart
|
|
pounding. It continued pounding in the following weeks as she
|
|
started receiving little notes from Bob. They were always
|
|
tasteful and sweet. One said, "Good morning! Hope your day is
|
|
full of blessings. You're a fine person and you deserve the
|
|
best. Your friend, Bob."
|
|
|
|
Jane began to reciprocate with notes of her own. Before long
|
|
she began to look forward to the arrival of Bob's latest note
|
|
as the high point of her day. Sometimes he would bring her a
|
|
little bouquet of flowers. That made her feel like a true
|
|
princess.
|
|
|
|
They lunched together several times, and Bob's account in
|
|
Jane's Love Bank climbed steadily. Jane found herself craving
|
|
every expression of the gentle affection she received from Bob
|
|
-- the hugs, the smiles, the notes. Finally, she wrote a note
|
|
to him: "I can't help it. I think I'm falling in love with
|
|
you."
|
|
|
|
Bob didn't respond in kind, but he continued to show Jane
|
|
kindness and affection. The weeks went by, and one day they
|
|
found themselves alone together in a secluded spot they had
|
|
chosen for a hurried lunch-hour picnic. As they packed up to
|
|
leave, Jane's hand touched Bob's, and she gave it a squeeze.
|
|
Bob responded with an especially affectionate hug, and what
|
|
followed came so naturally Jane couldn't believe it. Making
|
|
love with Bob was the most exciting experience of her life
|
|
because she knew he cared so much for her.
|
|
|
|
In the following weeks, they slipped off together as often as
|
|
possible for passionate lovemaking. Jane believed that having
|
|
sex with Bob was wonderful, because she could release all her
|
|
emotions and become thoroughly involved. Bob's genuine
|
|
affection made her feel loved and cared for as a person.
|
|
|
|
What had happened? Did Jane's wedding vows mean nothing to
|
|
her? Was she just waiting for her chance to two-time her
|
|
husband? Hardly. Jane simply felt so starved for affection
|
|
that she was willing to have an affair! Of course, this does
|
|
not justify the sin she and Bob committed.
|
|
|
|
AFFECTION IS THE CEMENT OF A RELATIONSHIP
|
|
|
|
To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection,
|
|
comfort and approval, vitally important commodities in their
|
|
eyes. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the
|
|
following messages:
|
|
|
|
1. I'll take care of you and protect you. You are
|
|
important to me, and I don't want anything to happen
|
|
to you.
|
|
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am
|
|
with you.
|
|
3. I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of
|
|
you.
|
|
|
|
A hug can say any and all of the above. Men need to understand
|
|
how strongly women desire these affirmations. FOR THE TYPICAL
|
|
WIFE, THERE CAN HARDLY BE ENOUGH OF THEM.
|
|
|
|
I believe hugging is a skill most men need to develop to show
|
|
their wives affection. It is also a simple but effective way
|
|
to build their accounts in a wife's Love Bank.
|
|
|
|
Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug
|
|
children, animals, relatives -- even stuffed animals. I'm not
|
|
saying they will throw themselves into the arms of just anyone:
|
|
They can get quite inhibited about hugging if they think it
|
|
could be misinterpreted in a sexual way. But the rest of the
|
|
time, across most countries and cultures, women hug and like to
|
|
be hugged.
|
|
|
|
Obviously, a man can display affection in other ways that can
|
|
be equally important to a woman. A greeting card or a note
|
|
expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate
|
|
the same emotions. Don't forget that all-time favorite -- a
|
|
bouquet of flowers. Women, almost universally, love to receive
|
|
flowers. Occasionally, I meet a man who likes to receive them,
|
|
but most do not. For a majority of women, however, flowers
|
|
send a powerful message of love and concern.
|
|
|
|
An invitation to dinner also signals affection. It is a way of
|
|
saying to one's wife, "You don't need to do what you ordinarily
|
|
do for me. I'll treat you instead. You are special to me, and
|
|
I want to show you how much I love and care for you."
|
|
|
|
Jokes abound on how, almost immediately after the wedding, a
|
|
wife has to find her own way in and out of cars, houses,
|
|
restaurants, and so on. But a smart husband will open the door
|
|
for her at every opportunity -- another way to tell her, "I
|
|
love you and care about you."
|
|
|
|
From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement
|
|
of her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably
|
|
feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly
|
|
bonded to him while he adds units to his Love Bank account.
|
|
|
|
BUT SHE KNOWS I'M NOT THE AFFECTIONATE TYPE
|
|
|
|
Men must get through their heads this vital idea: WOMEN FIND
|
|
AFFECTION IMPORTANT IN ITS OWN RIGHT. They love the feeling
|
|
that accompanies both the bestowal and reception of affection,
|
|
but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. Most of the affection they
|
|
give and receive is not intended to be sexual. You might
|
|
better compare it to the emotions they exchange with their
|
|
children or pets.
|
|
|
|
All of this confuses the typical male. He sees showing
|
|
affection as part of sexual foreplay, and he is normally
|
|
aroused in a flash. In other cases, men simply want to skip
|
|
the affection business; they are aroused already.
|
|
|
|
Lets look in on a hypothetical couple we'll call Brenda and
|
|
Bruce. They have been having tension lately because Brenda
|
|
hasn't responded to Bruce's requests for sex. As our scene
|
|
opens, she senses Bruce has that look in his eye again, and she
|
|
tries to head him off at the pass: "Bruce, let's just relax
|
|
for a few minutes. Then maybe you can hold my hand, and we can
|
|
hug. I'm not ready for sex just like that. I need a little
|
|
affection first."
|
|
|
|
Bruce bristles with a type of macho impatience and says,
|
|
"You've known me for years. I'm not the affectionate type, and
|
|
I'm not going to start now!"
|
|
|
|
Does this sound incredible or far fetched? I hear versions of
|
|
it regularly in my office. That Bruce fails to see the irony
|
|
in wanting sex but refusing to give his wife affection would
|
|
seem amusing if it weren't so pathetic. A man who growls,
|
|
"I'm not the affectionate type," while reaching for his wife's
|
|
body to satisfy his desires for sex, is like a salesman who
|
|
tries to close a sale by saying, "I'm not the friendly type--
|
|
Sign here you turkey. I've got another appointment waiting."
|
|
|
|
Although they shouldn't have a hard time understanding this
|
|
simple logic, men lose track of Harley's First Law of Marriage:
|
|
|
|
/----------------------------------------\
|
|
| When it comes to sex and affection, |
|
|
| you can't have one without the other! |
|
|
\----------------------------------------/
|
|
|
|
ANY MAN CAN LEARN TO BE AFFECTIONATE
|
|
|
|
I believe almost any husband can be taught to be more
|
|
affectionate. His best teacher is his wife, if she can:
|
|
|
|
1. Put aside her pride. It will do little good to sit
|
|
and pout, "If he really loved me, He'd know I need
|
|
lots of affection."
|
|
2. Be patient. Remember that the typical male does not
|
|
gave a strong need for affection. Sex, yes;
|
|
affection, no. He needs to become aware of his
|
|
wife's vital need for affection.
|
|
|
|
Affection is so important for women that they become confused
|
|
when their husbands don't respond in kind. For example, a wife
|
|
may call her husband at work, just to talk. She would love to
|
|
receive such a call and is sure he feels the same. She often
|
|
feels disappointed when he cuts it short because, "I've got all
|
|
this stuff to finish by five o'clock." It doesn't mean the
|
|
husband doesn't love her; he simply has different priorities
|
|
because of a different set of basic needs.
|
|
|
|
When I go on a trip, I often find little notes Joyce has packed
|
|
among my clothes. she is telling me she loves me, of course,
|
|
but the notes send another message as well. Joyce would like
|
|
to get the same little notes from me, and I have tried to
|
|
leave such notes behind -- on her pillow, for example -- when I
|
|
go out of town.
|
|
|
|
My needs for protection, approval and care are not the same as
|
|
hers, nor are they met in similar ways. I've had to discover
|
|
these differences and act accordingly. For example, when we
|
|
stroll through a shopping center, it is important to her that
|
|
we hold hands, something that would not occur to me naturally
|
|
or automatically. She has encouraged me to take her hand, and
|
|
I'm glad to do so, because I know she enjoys that and it says
|
|
something she wants to hear.
|
|
|
|
When I try to explain this kind of hand holding to some
|
|
husbands in my counseling office, they may question my manhood
|
|
a bit. Isn't my wife "leading me by the nose" so to speak? I
|
|
reply that in my opinion nothing could be further from the
|
|
truth. If holding Joyce's hand in a shopping center makes her
|
|
feel loved and cherished, I would be a fool to refuse to do it
|
|
because I thought not doing it would make me look "macho." I
|
|
appreciate her coaching on how to show affection. I promised
|
|
to care for her when I married her, and I meant every word of
|
|
it. If she explains how I can best give her the care she
|
|
wants, I'm happy to learn, because I want her happiness.
|
|
|
|
Almost all men need some instruction in how to become more
|
|
affectionate. The men who are good at it learned how to do it
|
|
from good coaches -- perhaps a former girlfriend. So, unless a
|
|
wife wants to pay a counselor to do it later in her marriage,
|
|
early on she will understand she is the proper teacher for her
|
|
husband when it comes to teaching him how to be affectionate,
|
|
and she will take appropriate action.
|
|
|
|
Women find it hard to do this, because they want such behavior
|
|
from their husbands to at least appear spontaneous. But any
|
|
new behavior is not spontaneous until it is well learned.
|
|
Remember the two prerequisites already mentioned: Put aside
|
|
your pride and be patient.
|
|
|
|
First, help your husband feel good about displaying affection.
|
|
Whatever you do, never nag or hang on him or try to force some
|
|
affection out of him. This kind of negative reinforcement will
|
|
only make him more cold and distant. Instead create situations
|
|
that lend themselves to positive reinforcement.
|
|
|
|
Rather than waiting for him to slip up behind you to do his
|
|
customary caressing that usually ends with your telling him,
|
|
"Not now, I'm trying to make dinner," it might be better to
|
|
take the direct approach. One simple scenario, played out in
|
|
the privacy of a living room could go like this:
|
|
|
|
PEGGY: (after turning down the television): "I'm
|
|
interrupting this program to ask you an important
|
|
question. Do you love me?"
|
|
PETE: (a bit puzzled and anxious to get his newscast back):
|
|
"Of course, you know I do."
|
|
PEGGY: "Then give me a little hug -- just a little one so I
|
|
know you care about me." (She slips into Pete's
|
|
arms, gets her hug, and slips out again.) As she
|
|
turns the TV back up she says: "Thanks, I needed
|
|
that."
|
|
|
|
Another approach to affection lessons can be make in the semi-
|
|
privacy of the family car:
|
|
|
|
ALICE: (sliding over on the seat): "Remember when we were
|
|
dating and you used to drive everywhere with one
|
|
hand?"
|
|
AL: "Yup, it's a wonder I didn't get a ticket or in an
|
|
accident."
|
|
ALICE: (snuggling close and putting her head on his
|
|
shoulder): "Could you see if you haven't lost your
|
|
touch? If we get stopped, I'll explain everything
|
|
to the policeman."
|
|
|
|
There are other approaches, of course. Every wife needs to
|
|
develop one that will work for her. It could be something as
|
|
simple as:
|
|
|
|
* Slipping your hand into his as you walk into church.
|
|
* Mentioning how cool the movie theater's air conditioning is
|
|
as you gently tug to get his arm around you.
|
|
|
|
Follow this cardinal rule when coaching your husband in the
|
|
fine art of affection: Keep it casual. Listen and watch
|
|
carefully. If he communicates any feelings of discomfort--
|
|
verbal or nonverbal -- just back off and try again later.
|
|
Remember to build your strategy on positive reinforcement, and
|
|
aim at helping your husband develop a habit of displaying the
|
|
kind of affection that doesn't always have to lead
|
|
automatically to sex.
|
|
|
|
SEX BEGINS WITH AFFECTION
|
|
|
|
Over the years, I have seen nothing more devastating to a
|
|
marriage than an affair, because it destroys the one-flesh bond
|
|
of a husband and wife. Sadly enough, most affairs start
|
|
because of a lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex
|
|
(for the husband). It is quite a vicious circle. She doesn't
|
|
get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He
|
|
doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being
|
|
is affectionate.
|
|
|
|
I constantly deal with couples caught on this kind of merry-go-
|
|
round, but it is anything but merry. I STRIVE TO GET THEM TO
|
|
STOP THE MERRY-GO-ROUND, GET OFF, AND START BUILDING A
|
|
RELATIONSHIP ON MUTUAL CARING, NOT MUTUAL NEEDING.
|
|
|
|
Some husbands don't feel too happy at first when I explain that
|
|
affection is the ENVIRONMENT of the marriage, and sex is an
|
|
EVENT. But even the most sex-hungry husband will agree that
|
|
you can't have sex ALL the time. You should, however, have
|
|
affection all the time, because it forms the canopy that
|
|
lovingly covers a marriage and provides shelter for the lover's
|
|
couch.
|
|
|
|
I work diligently to get such a husband to see that he must
|
|
shower his wife with affection, but without sex. I explain
|
|
that sex can come naturally enough and often, IF THERE IS
|
|
ENOUGH AFFECTION.
|
|
|
|
I have a simple plan. The husband sets as his goal making
|
|
affection his ordinary way of relating continuously to his
|
|
wife. He doesn't just turn on affection now and then in order
|
|
to get some sex. Whenever he and his wife come together, a
|
|
big hug and a kiss should be routine. In fact, almost every
|
|
interaction between a husband and wife should include
|
|
affectionate words and gestures. Am I saying they have to
|
|
constantly hug, kiss and whisper sweet nothings? Not at all,
|
|
but I do believe every marriage should have an atmosphere that
|
|
says, "I like you, I'm fond of you, I really do love you, and I
|
|
know you love me."
|
|
|
|
Women need affection regularly and often, at least several
|
|
times a day. A hug in the morning before getting out of bed, a
|
|
kiss good-bye as he leaves for work, a call during the day, a
|
|
card now and again in the mail, a big hug and kiss upon
|
|
arriving home, seating her at the dinner table, holding hands
|
|
in front of the television set -- all these create the
|
|
environment of affection.
|
|
|
|
Sex, on the other hand, is an event, and in and of itself, a
|
|
special occasion. There should be a time and a place for it.
|
|
In that setting, affection comes into play as a part of sexual
|
|
intercourse.
|
|
|
|
At this point many men become confused. If I want him to save
|
|
sex for special occasions, what does a husband do with his
|
|
natural feelings of arousal, which can be triggered simply by
|
|
looking at his wife in just about any setting? When
|
|
counseling husbands on this, I teach them how to discipline
|
|
their thinking and reorient their behavior so they no longer
|
|
make a direct connection between affection and sex.
|
|
|
|
Some men don't find it easy. They want to know if they have to
|
|
go back to the "just take a cold shower" routine they got when
|
|
they were courting their wives. I reply that they need not
|
|
take the cold showers, but it wouldn't hurt to remember how
|
|
they acted toward their wives when they dated. They showed
|
|
plenty of affection and attention then. The usual routine
|
|
included dinner and perhaps a show or some other form of
|
|
entertainment. Throughout the evening the young man treated
|
|
the young lady with respect and tenderness. On the way home
|
|
they often stopped to park and admire a lovely view. He
|
|
slipped his arm around her and both of them seemed to enjoy the
|
|
physical contact that followed.
|
|
|
|
A lot of husbands do remember the passionate encounters of
|
|
their courting day and want to know, "Why doesn't she get
|
|
turned on the way she used to, now that we're married?"
|
|
|
|
I patiently explain that she isn't getting turned on NOW
|
|
because he isn't treating her as he did THEN. Does he think
|
|
getting married suddenly eliminates the woman's need for
|
|
affection? A man should work as carefully and patiently at
|
|
showing affection in his marriage as he did when he and his
|
|
wife dated. This sounds simplistic to some men; they think I
|
|
am chiding them for not "being romantic enough." Don't I know
|
|
that the romantic stuff is impractical and unnecessary when
|
|
you're married?
|
|
|
|
I respond that I know no such thing. In fact, I suggest they
|
|
have put things in total reverse and could be asking for real
|
|
trouble. Wives treated with little or no romance are ripe for
|
|
an affair.
|
|
|
|
Why? In most cases, in order for a woman to willingly have sex
|
|
with a man, she needs to feel one with him in spirit. A couple
|
|
achieves this one-spirit unity through the exchange of
|
|
affection and the passage of time. A woman's need for one-
|
|
spirit unity helps us understand how affairs develop. Only
|
|
after a woman has received affection for a time will she become
|
|
one with a man physically, but affection MUST come before sex.
|
|
|
|
In the typical affair, a woman has sex with a man after he has
|
|
demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection.
|
|
Because her lover has expressed such care for her, the physical
|
|
union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy otherwise
|
|
unknown to the woman in her marriage.
|
|
|
|
All this misleadingly makes affairs sound like forbidden fruit
|
|
and far more exciting than marriage could ever be. In truth,
|
|
any marriage can have the sizzle of an affair, if it has that
|
|
strong one-spirit bond.
|
|
|
|
Husbands will have little trouble interesting their wives in
|
|
sex if they have laid the proper groundwork with plenty of
|
|
affection. When you face such a troubled marriage, look for
|
|
the lack of groundwork. Without the environment of affection,
|
|
the sexual event is not predictably pleasant for the woman.
|
|
All too often, she reluctantly agrees to have sex with her
|
|
husband, even though she feels she won't have that great a
|
|
time. In an affair, however, the conditions that guarantee a
|
|
good time -- the bonding that comes with affection and caring
|
|
-- are met. Her lover has taken time to create the right
|
|
environment. Consequently, she feels sexually aroused just at
|
|
the thought of him.
|
|
|
|
In most couples I see during counseling, I try to help the
|
|
husband to see that for his wife, affection has meaning far
|
|
beyond anything he can imagine. A woman experiences
|
|
immeasurable pleasure from the sensations she receives through
|
|
affection. Although these sensations are not the same ones she
|
|
enjoys during sexual arousal and intercourse, they form a vital
|
|
part of the relationship, because without them she usually
|
|
cannot get the most from a sexual experience.
|
|
|
|
Many husbands have this all backwards. Because they can become
|
|
aroused without giving it a thought, they think women can too.
|
|
Most women give sex quite a bit of thought and usually give
|
|
themselves permission to become sexually aroused. Customarily
|
|
they make a deliberate, conscious decision.
|
|
|
|
When counseling wives in troubled marriages, I usually have
|
|
little difficulty talking them into having more sex with their
|
|
husbands. For a woman, having sex is a decision, more mental
|
|
than physical. Husbands who remain unaware of this basic
|
|
difference in women often feel troubled when their wives
|
|
suddenly become sexually responsive to them as a result of
|
|
talking to me. They suspect that I must use some charm or
|
|
technique which they lack. They often ask me, "What did you
|
|
tell her?"
|
|
|
|
Just as women prefer that their husbands' affection be
|
|
spontaneous and not learned behavior, so men would like to
|
|
think of their wives' sexual response to them as being
|
|
spontaneous. Understand that meeting each other's needs is
|
|
seldom a spontaneous, "natural" process. You need to learn a
|
|
new behavior. I must add, however, that I find it much easier
|
|
to "talk a woman into having sex with her husband" if he at
|
|
least makes some kind of effort to be affectionate.
|
|
|
|
Women have a choice when it comes to sex, but when offered
|
|
affection they have little resistance, because it is perhaps
|
|
their deepest emotional need. In describing their need for
|
|
affection, I realize I've confronted men quite strongly about
|
|
learning to become affectionate, and that may seem rather
|
|
one-sided. But all I've said here will prove of little value
|
|
if a wife fails to understand that her husband has an equally
|
|
deep need for sex. To the typical man, sex is like air or
|
|
water. He doesn't have any "options."
|
|
|
|
If a wife fails to understand the power of the male sex
|
|
appetite, she will wind up with a husband who is tense or
|
|
frustrated at best. At worst, he may start looking for
|
|
somebody else and, tragically enough, find that someone all too
|
|
easily. All this need not occur if men learn to be more
|
|
affectionate and wives respond with more eagerness to make
|
|
love. As Harley's first law says: WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND
|
|
AFFECTION, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.
|
|
|
|
|
|
QUESTIONS FOR HIM:
|
|
|
|
1. On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being "very
|
|
affectionate," how affectionate am I toward my wife? How
|
|
would she rate me?
|
|
|
|
2. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage?
|
|
|
|
3. In the past, have I tended to equate affection with
|
|
getting sexually aroused? Why hasn't this worked?
|
|
|
|
4. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection?
|
|
|
|
5. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her
|
|
more affection in the ways she really likes it?
|
|
|
|
|
|
QUESTIONS FOR HER:
|
|
|
|
1. Is affection as important to me as this booklet claims?
|
|
|
|
2. If I'm not getting enough affection from my husband, and I
|
|
willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him?
|
|
|
|
3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were
|
|
truly interested in me and affectionate toward me?
|
|
|
|
|
|
CONSIDER TOGETHER:
|
|
|
|
1. Do we need to talk about affection? If so, what exactly
|
|
do we need to share?
|
|
|
|
2. Is there enough affection in our marriage? What examples
|
|
can we give?
|
|
|
|
3. How can we have "affection practice?" What is comfortable
|
|
for both of us?
|
|
|
|
|
|
_____________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Dr. Harley has over 20 years of experience as a marriage
|
|
counselor. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and director
|
|
of a network of mental health clinics and chemical dependency
|
|
programs in Minnesota.
|
|
|
|
The above material is excerpted from Dr. Harley's book HIS
|
|
NEEDS, HER NEEDS (c)1986 by William F. Harley Jr., and was used
|
|
with permission of Fleming H. Revell Company.
|
|
_____________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
More Booklets from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY:
|
|
|
|
The following booklets are also available from Focus on the
|
|
Family for a suggested donation of $.35 [Yes folks, a big 35
|
|
cents!] per booklet.
|
|
|
|
Write out a list of which ones you want, and enclose the list
|
|
with your return address and a check or money order in an
|
|
envelope addressed to:
|
|
|
|
Focus on the Family
|
|
Pomona, CA 91799
|
|
|
|
Booklets for which no author is indicated are by Dr. James
|
|
Dobson.
|
|
|
|
1. Prepare for adolescence
|
|
2. Fatigue and the homemaker
|
|
3. Stories for the children's hour -Dr. Kenneth Taylor
|
|
4. Busy husbands, lonely wives
|
|
6. Self-Esteem for your child
|
|
7. Understanding your child's personality
|
|
11. Questions parents ask about discipline
|
|
13. Materialism: enemy of the family
|
|
14. Overprotection: the error of dedicated parents
|
|
16. The plan of salvation
|
|
17. The impact of TV on young lives
|
|
18. Abortion: a moral outrage
|
|
19. Overcoming the marriage blues
|
|
22. The scourge of sibling rivalry
|
|
24. A checklist for spiritual training
|
|
25. A fresh look at husbands and wives
|
|
26. Questions parents ask about self-esteem
|
|
29. Low self-esteem in adults
|
|
31. The heavens declare God's glory
|
|
34. Music in the home
|
|
35. Teaching children to be kind
|
|
36. Mother's employment: Implications for the family
|
|
37. A new look at masculinity and femininity
|
|
39. Dr. Dobson talks about families
|
|
40. Advice to pre-teenagers about self-confidence
|
|
41. Human emotions: friends or enemies
|
|
43. Setting your adolescent free
|
|
44. My father and a dog named Benji
|
|
45. The strong-willed adolescent
|
|
46. Don't nag your teenager
|
|
47. The hyperactive child
|
|
49. Surviving the crises of life - Virginia Watts
|
|
50. The unproclaimed priests of public education - Timothy
|
|
Crater
|
|
52. Values in the home
|
|
53. Hormone imbalance in mid-life
|
|
54. Discipline from 4 to 12
|
|
55. Making sense of wills, trusts, and estate planning - Lloyd
|
|
Copenbarger
|
|
56. Motherhood: it helps if you smile
|
|
57. Thirty ideas for husbands and fathers
|
|
58. A guide to family budgeting - Larry Burkett
|
|
59. Launching the young adult
|
|
60. The straight life
|
|
61. How to preserve your marriage
|
|
62. Eating disorders: an epidemic of self-induced starvation
|
|
63. Developing your child's devotional life - Mary White
|
|
64. Sex and communication in marriage - Dr. Kevin Leman
|
|
65. The miracle parenting tools
|
|
66. Treating your child's allergies - Doris Rapp, MD
|
|
67. A new approach to planning family vacations - Tim Hansel
|
|
68. A Woman of influence: How to pray for your children - Jean
|
|
Flemming
|
|
69. The loving leader: A man's role at home - Dean Merrill
|
|
70. Help for the alcoholic and his family - Sharon Wegscheider
|
|
71. Preparing for the arrival of a newborn - William Sears, MD
|
|
72. Creative ideas for grandparents - Norman Bowman et al
|
|
73. Hope for the hurting parent - Margie Lewis
|
|
74. Divorce: coping with the pain - Andre Bustanoby
|
|
75. A christmas sampler from the Dobson's
|
|
76. The balanced life - Key to managing stress - Jan Markell
|
|
77. Working at home: ways to supplement family income - Jay
|
|
Levinson
|
|
78. Your child's physical fitness - Martin Lorin MD
|
|
79. The power of encouragement - Jeanne Doering
|
|
80. Pets and your family - Frances Chrystie
|
|
81. Restoring romance to your marriage - Ed Wheat, MD
|
|
82. Safety Tips for the Home - Bryson Kalt et al
|
|
83. The read-aloud guide - Jim Trelease
|
|
84. Lets make a memory - Gloria Gather & Shirley Dobson
|
|
85. Helping the hurried child - David Elkind PhD
|
|
86. Coping with frustration
|
|
88. Ministering to the aged - David Oliver PhD
|
|
91. A guide to creative hospitality - Marlene DeFever
|
|
92. Advice to parents of preschoolers - Dr. Paul Meier
|
|
93. Creative mothering - Jean Fleming
|
|
94. The approachable father - Gordon McDonald
|
|
95. You are great in God's eyes - Anthony Campolo
|
|
100. Traveling with young children - John Taylor
|
|
101. A family guide to outdoor safety - David Richey
|
|
96. A woman's guide to reaching goals - Mary Crowley
|
|
97. A primer on home schooling - Dr. Raymond & Dorothy Moore
|
|
98. Preparing your children for school - Dr. Cliff Schimmels
|
|
99. Widowhood: are you prepared? - John Watts
|
|
102. Making the most of your time - Edward Dayton
|
|
103. Resolving conflict - Josh McDowell
|
|
104. A parent's guide to storytelling - Ethel Barrett
|
|
105. Christmas is for kids - Alice Lawhead
|
|
106. You can make a difference (US) - Richard Cizek
|
|
121. You can make a difference (Canada) - Richard Cizek
|
|
107. Discover a new beginning - Ted Engstrom
|
|
108. Advice to newlyweds - H. Norman Wright
|
|
109. Tough Love for singles
|
|
113. Shape up and feel great - Marie Chapain
|
|
114. The church and the family
|
|
115. The value of motherhood - Brenda Hunter
|
|
116. Making lifelong friends - Ted Engstrom
|
|
117. The decision of life
|
|
118. Taking time out to be dad - Wilson Grant MD
|
|
119. Help for the pregnant teen - Linda Roggow & Carolyn Owens
|
|
120. Coping with anger
|
|
122. Advice to single parents - Virginia Smith
|
|
123. Questions parents ask about school and education
|
|
124. What Works
|
|
125. Eating Right: a guide to family nutrition - Dr. C.
|
|
Kuntzleman
|
|
126. Interpreting God's will
|
|
127. Why wait for marriage? - Tim Stafford
|
|
128. Christmas -- a time for family - Alice Lawhead
|
|
129. Coping with depression
|
|
130. Selecting a marriage partner - Dr. Neil Warren
|
|
131. Successful stepparenting - Dave & Bonnie Juroe
|
|
134. Getting the Job: A guide for employment seekers - R.
|
|
Laughlin
|
|
135. Queen of hearts: the role of today's mom - Jill Briscoe
|
|
136. A guide to adoption - Douglas Donnely
|
|
137. Questions women ask about middle age, menopause and
|
|
maturity - Joe MIlhaney, MD
|
|
138. What every man should know about fatherhood - W. M.
|
|
Hardenbrook
|
|
140. What the bible says: Ten reasons why you should get
|
|
involved in the fight against pornography - Dr. Jerry Kirk
|
|
141. The power of the picture: how pornography harms - Dr.
|
|
Jerry Kirk
|
|
142. Hard core already illegal: the case against hard core
|
|
pornography in America - Dr. Jerry Kirk
|
|
143. A winnable war: How to fight pornography in your community
|
|
- Dr. Jerry Kirk
|
|
145. Living with an unsaved spouse - William Deal
|
|
146. Help for the postabortal woman - Teri Reisser, MD
|
|
147. Responding to a woman with a crisis pregnancy - Teri
|
|
Reisser, MD
|
|
148. Crisis pregnancy centers: how you and your church can help
|
|
- Pamela Pearson Wong
|
|
149. Cultivating Affection in your Marriage - Willard Harley
|
|
Jr., PhD.
|
|
|