textfiles/sex/EROTICA/S/sexjokes.txt

WHY IS EATING PUSSY LIKE DEALING WITH THE MAFIA?

ONE SLIP OF THE TONGUE AND YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT!

WHICH ONE DOESN'T BELONG?
1) WIFE
2) MEAT
3) CLOCK
4) BLOW-JOB
IT'S #4 BECAUSE...
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, YOU CAN BEAT
YOUR MEAT, AND YOU CAN BEAT THE
CLOCK......
BUT YOU CANT BEAT A BLOW JOB!

WHY CAN WOMEN ONLY GO 68 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY?
BECAUSE AT 69 THEY BLOW A ROD!

HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOU'VEHAD A REALLY GOOD NIGHT OF ORAL SEX?

YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT AND A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?
BECAUSE HE WAS STUCK TO A CHICKEN

Why did god invent booze?
..........so fat ugly chicks could get laid too.

What is the difference between a 6 and a 10?
..........about 6 beers.

What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?
..........Stand back I don't know how big it gets!

How do you define a "tough guy"?
...he bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it off.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGS?
A NIGHTCRAWLER!

How do you get a Mexican pregnant?
Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!!
.
Where do they get virgin wool? . . . . . . . . . . . Ugly sheep.
.
Did you hear about the pussy cookie? . . . . . . . . You take too
big a bite, it tastes like shit.

Do you know why Congress is trying to keep women from swimming in the oceans?
 . . . . . They can't get the smell off the fish.
.
Know what an "11" is?  . . . . . . . . . A "10" who doesn't get headaches.
.
Know what a Greek "10" is? . . . . . . . The back end of a "3".
.
Know the difference between pussy and parsley? . . Nobody eats parsley.
.
You know a woman is really macho when she kickstarts her vibrator.
.... or rolls her own tampons.
.
Why do women like to play PacMan? . . . It's the only way they know of
to get eaten three times for a quarter.
.
Why do men like to play Pinball?  . . . It's the only way they can get five
balls for a quarter.
.
What's the difference between "kinky" and "erotic?" . . . With "kinky" you
use the whole chicken.
.
What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A system that won't go down.

Why would you want to wrap your hamster
in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you
fuck it.

Know what is the square root of 69?
Ate something.

   A nymphomaniac is a girl who likes every man to be in different.

Why do women have legs?
 So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

Where are an elephants sex organs?
In his feet,if he steeps on you your fucked!

WHAT'S RED & HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?
-
SNOW WHITE'S CHERRY!

What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common?

"Never had it, never will."

Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant?

Why fuck her! of course!

WHAT ARE THE FIVE REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG
1.YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE.
2.YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE.
3.IT TAKES YOU SEVEN MIN. TO GET HARD IN BOILING WATER.
4.YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS.
5.THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.

WHY DID GOD CREATE WOMEN?
........SHEEP CAN'T COOK.
.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?
.......HERPES LASTS FOREVER.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS?
TOYS FOR TWATS.

WHAT DO CALL A HEARD OF MASTURBATING CATTLE?
BEEF STROKENOFF.

WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET?
BECAUSE 8 INCHES ISN'T ENOUGH

WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON?
BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHICKEN AND MEAT?
IF YOU BEAT YOUR CHICKEN IT WOULD DIE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH AN ABORTION?
DECALFINATED.

WHY DON'T CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR?
BECAUSE THEIR PECKERS ARE ON THEIR FACE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A POLACK'S ASS?
A BRAIN TUMOR

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?..(PUFF OUT CHEEKS)
POLISH SPERM BANK

WHAT DID THE POLLOCK DO WITH HIS FIRST 50 CENT PIECE?
MARRIED HER

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PENIS WITH A POTATO?
A DICKTATOR

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
 BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED!

WHAT IS THE DEFINATION OF A BORN LOSER?
   A GUY WHO FALLS INTO A SEA OF TITS AND COMES UP SUCKING HIS THUMB.

What's so great about being a dick?
.
You've got a head with no brains...
Two nuts follow you around all day..
Your neighbor is an asshole....
and your best friend is a cunt!

Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court??

Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?
"Morning Ladies!"

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH AN OCTOPUS ON HIS SHOULDER. THE BARTENDER SAYS YOU
CAN'T BRING THAT IN HERE. THE GUY SAYS WHY NOT,HE'S A PET PLUS I'LL BET YOU A
DRINK HE CAN PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT IN HERE. BARTENDER SAYS OK HERE'S A
TROMBONE,I'LL BET A DRINK HE CAN'T PLAY IT. THE OCTOPUS PICKS IT UP AND STARTS
PLAYING A TUNE. BARTENDER IS A LITTLE UPSET AND PULLS OUT A CLARINET AND SAYS, I
BET ANOTHER DRINK HE CAN'T PLAY THIS. GUY SAYS OK. THE OCTOPUS PICKS UP THE
CLARINET AND STARTS PLAYING AWAY ON IT. BY NOW THE BARTENDER IS REALLY UPSET.
HE'S HAD TO GIVE THE GUY 2 FREE DRINKS ALREADY.THEN HE REMEMBERS HE HAS AN OLD
SET OF BAG-PIPES IN THE BACK. HE TELLS THE GUY, I'LL BET YOU ONE MORE DRINK HE
CAN'T PLAY SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE AND THROWS OUT THE BAG-PIPES. THE OCTOPUS TAKES
ONE LOOK AT IT AND JUMPS ON IT AND STARTS TRYING TO SCREW IT. THE BARTENDER
LAUGHS AND SAYS, I GUESS I WIN. THE GUY SAYS, JUST GIVE HIM A MINUTE. AS SOON AS
HE REALIZES HE CAN'T SCREW IT........HE'LL PLAY IT.........

FOLLOWING A LONG ARDUOUS CATTLE DRIVE, THE COWBOY HEADED FOR THE RESTAURANT FOR
DINNER.  TAKING THE ONLY SEAT LEFT, WHICH WAS NEXT TO A LADY ABOUT 20 YEARS OLD
(WHO LOOKED VERY WEALTHY AND EDUCATED), HE OVERHEARD HER PLACE HER ORDER.  "I'LL
HAVE BREAST OF FOWL, VIRGIN FOWL.  MAKE SURE IT'S VIRGIN. CATCH IT YOURSELF.
GARNISH MY PLATE WITH ONION AND BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, NOT TOO HOT, NOT TOO
COLD.  AND WAITER, OPEN A WINDOW.  I SMELL A HORSE, THERE MUST BE A COWBOY IN
THE HOUSE." THOROUGHLY PISSED, THE COWBOY MADE HIS ORDER.  "I'LL HAVE DUCK,
FUCKED DUCK. MAKE SURE IT'S FUCKED.  FUCK IT YOURSELF.  GARNISH MY PLATE WITH
HORSESHIT. THEN BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, STRONG AS TEXAS MULE PISS, AND BLOW
THE FOAM OFF WITH A FART.  AND WAITER, KNOCK THE WHOLE DAMN WALL DOWN.  I SMELL
A CUNT, THERE MUST BE A WHORE IN THE HOUSE."

THE BUISNESSMAN TOOK THE YOUNG SECRETARY TO A MOTEL ROOM.  THE GIRL SEEMED SHY
AND INEXPERIENCED, SO THE MAN DECIDED HE WOULD BE HER TUTOR IN THE ARTS OF LOVE.
HE BEGAN BY RUNNING HIS HANDS OVER HER CHEST.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING? HE
ASKED? NO SHE REPLIED... I'M FONDLING YOUR BREASTS.  THEN HE MOVED HIS HAND DOWN
TO THE SOFT V BETWEEN HER LEGS AND ASKED. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING NOW? WHEN
SHE REPLIED, NO, HE EXPLAINED HHE WAS CARESSING HER CLITORIS. THE HE BECAME SO
AROUSED THAT HE SPREAD HER LEGS AND THRUST HIS PINIS INTO HER.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M DOING NOW? HE PANTED... YES SHE RESPONDED COOLY.  YOU'RE CATCHING
HERPES......

A GIRL WAS COMING HOME FROM A DATE. HHER MOTHER HAD WAITED UP FOR HER, AND WHEN
THE GIRL WALKED IN THE DOOR, THE MOTHER NOTICED SHE HAD RICE IN HER HAIR.  ANNE,
SHE SAID YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO A WEDDING.  I DIDN'T MOTHER, ANNE
REPLIED.  I WAS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO A CHINAMAN AND HE GOT SICK ALL OVER ME.....

An old indian was feeling out of sorts one day so he went to the medicine man to
get some help. After a short discussion it was determined that the man's problem
was that he had never had sex. So he goes to the local cathouse steps up to the
madam and says "Have wampum, want woman!" The madam soon finds out he's never
had a woman and tells him he must get some experience first and then come back.
So the old indian goes back to the medicine man for advice. and is told to go
into the forest and find a tree with a knothole and practice on it. A few days
later the man goes back to the cathouse and says "Got wampum want woman!" This
time he tells the madam that he has experience. He goes up to the room, and a
short while later an attractive girl comes into the the room and lies down. He
says "Get up!" She does. He reaches under the bed and pulls out one of the wood
slats from under the frame, and hits her hard across the ass with it. She
screems, "What the hell are you doing you pervert!!" He replies, "Checkum for
bees!!". He had indeed gotten experience.

A WHORE CAME INTO A BAR AND SAW A REAL UGLY GUY SITTING AT THE BAR. SHE SAID TO
THE BARTENDER, 'GEE, THAT GUY'S THE UGLIEST GUY I EVER SAW!"
--"SEND HIM A DRINK ON ME!"
THEY FINALLY GOT TOGETHER AND SHE PROPOSITIONS HIM. HE SAYS, "GREAT,
BUT I'M KINKY"
SHE SAYS "GREAT--I LOVE KINKY MEN.  I WON'T CHARGE YOU ANYTHING"
OVER AT HER HOUSE HE TELLS HER TO GET NAKED AND DO A HEADSTAND UP AGAINST
THE WALL FACING IT. SHE DOES
SHE SAYS "GIVE IT TO ME, BABY!"
SHE HEARS THE CLUNK, CLUNK OF THE BELT BUCKLE AND THE CLOMP CLOMP OF
THE SHOES...AND AFTER FIVE MINUTES WONDERED WHAT WAS GOING ON.
SHE SAID, "I'M SO EXCITED BY WAITING.  GIVE IT TO ME"
HE SAID, "I ALREADY DID!"
SHE TURNED HER RED FACE AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND SAID, "YOU DID?!  WHAT
DID YOU DO?"
HE SAID, "I TOLD YOU I WAS KINKY.  I SHIT IN YOUR PURSE!"

A CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS WAS HAVIN SHOW AND TELL, AND A FARMER BOY WAS
SHOWING HIS HOE, WHEN A BLACK KID RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID, "THAT AIN'T NO HOE,
MY SISTER'S A HOE AND SHE DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT"

Two young starlets are discussing the sessions they have just had with the movie
producer. "Did he give you a good part?" asks one. "No he did not!" replies the
other. "Why he made me such a ridiculous offer, I just laughed right in his
balls."

A Polack has always been envious of a friend's ability to pick up girls at the
beach. So one day, he asks how. The friend tells him "I just stick a potato in
my swimsuit. The women go crazy for it." So the polack tries it. A few days
later he sees his friend at the beach and has bad news. "That potato trick
doesn't work at all. Women just go out of their way to avoid me these days." The
friend says "well, wear the potato in front next time. Tah, rah, rah,
boom-bee-ayee, Have you had yours today? I got mine yesterday, With the guy
across the way He paid me ninety cents To go behind the fence He pulled my
panties down And laid me on the ground He shouted, "one, two, three," And stuck
it into me, Won't mommy be surprised, When she sees my tummy rise!

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and tells the receptionist that he wants to
get fucked. So she tells him to go up to room 23, he looks around for a while
and finally finds it, knocks on the door and says, "I want to get fucked!". The
girl on the other side says, "OK, slip a twenty under the door". He searches his
wallet, pulls out a twenty and slips it under the door. About 10 minutes later,
he knocks on the door again and says, "Hey, where's my fuck!!" The girl says,
"You've just been fucked, want to try again??"


A fellow drops into to local red light destrict to get a little action. But he
only has a few dollars and asks the Madam to fix him up cheap. She say she can
and sends him up to the room. A bit later a rather attractive gal comes in. He
is suprised to get a good looking girl so cheap and they start to have at it. He
quickly withdraws from the girl and says she feels like sandpaper. She says that
why they call her Sandpaper Sally. She steps into the bathroom and comes back a
short time later and they resume. He announces that whatever she did feels
much<EFBFBD>better. When they were finished and relaxing a thought comes to him and he
asked her what she did when she was in the bathroom. She rep<65>ies "Picking the
scabs."

A GUY LEAVES HIS PLACE AT THE BAR TO GO RELIEVE HIMSELF. HE COMES BACK ABOUT 10
MINUTES LATER, SITS DOWN AT THE BAR, MUTTERING & SWEARING VERY SOFTLY. THE BAR
KEEP APPROACHES THE CUSTOMER AND ASKES WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

   "OH SOME SON-UV-A-BITCH SNUCK UP BEHIND ME WHILE I WAS AT THE URINAL AND PUT
A GUN TO MY HEAD".

   "JESUS CHRIST! WHAT HAPPENED?"

   "HE TOLD ME TO GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB OR HE'D BLOW MY BRAINS OUT!"

   "YEAH, THEN WHAT?"

   "WELL YOU DIDN'T HEAR A GUN SHOT, DID YOU?"
A CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS WAS HAVIN SHOW AND TELL, AND A FARMER BOY WAS
SHOWING HIS HOE, WHEN A BLACK KID RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID, "THAT AIN'T NO HOE,
MY SISTER'S A HOE AND SHE DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT"

So there's this loudmouth guy sitting getting plastered in a bar late one night.
He gets pretty drunk and yells to the bartender "Hey barkeep, I want to buy a
drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar!" The bartender comes over and
tells the man that he should remember she is a customer and to be civil. The man
nods, but a while later yells to the bartender "Hey listen, I still want to buy
that douchebag a drink." The drinkmaster reminds the man that he runs a
respectable establishment and to treat customers with respect. The man says he's
sorry, and the bartender goes to the other end of the bar and tells the woman
"the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What
would you like?" "Great," the woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water."

A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal
is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he
hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't
believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face.
The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to
perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The
man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just
don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla."

                  (Reprinted from a newsletter in an office.)
We were listening the other day as a group of strident feminists declared that
the Women's Liberation Movement in this decade has brought about the demise of
the Male Chauvinist Pig. Possibly.

We assume they're referring to the amateur, weekend, dilettante Male Chauvinist
Pig. Not the all-pro Died-in-the-wool variety. For him the women's movement is a
blessing.

Look at this way: Before "liberation" if a man wanted "WHAT ALL MEN ARE AFTER,"
it would take him a good 6 months of courtship, #376.29 worth of candy, flowers,
dinners, phone calls, cute little stuffed animals with gushy Hallmark cards in
their paws, and lots of fancy talk. Then, once he reached his piggish goal,
there was always that "now that we're engaged, dear..." to be dealt with. It was
a nightmare out of Women's Circle, McCall's, Redbook, AND Seventeen.

With "liberation" our pig is faced with a lot of women who have talked
themselves OUT of sentimentality. They hate and suspect romantic trappings...
good-bye stuffed animals. They're paranoid about career and financial
independence, which means their frantic division of all tabs exactly 50-50 saves
the pig a lot of money. They believe in their right to sex, so they're willing
to talk freely on the subject and then get right to it. No more coy 6 month
waiting period. And then when the pig does slip and say something chauvinistic,
all he need do is let his femperson rant for half an hour on the gross
inadequacies of men, then look sheepish and explain that he's sorry but he's
just a victim of society's training and he needs help.

Finally, when he grows bored with things, our pig gets out by extending a firm
h<EFBFBD>nd and saying, "I want us both to grow and continue to respect each other as
individuals but I feel in this relationship we're cramping each other and though
it's painful, I want to let us part as mature friends." The translation of which
is, "I just met this blond even easier than you."

A woman goes into a hardware store and wanders around for a while and picks up a
hinge. She wanders around a while longer and captures the attention of a clerk,
who watches her. She finally settles down in one certain aisle, and just kind of
hangs there. Eventually, the clerk walks over to her and asks, "Can I give you a
screw for that hinge?" "No," she says, "but I'll give you a blowjob for that
electric toaster."

     Here's to the girl who's afraid of men
     Fucked herself with a fountain pen
     The pen broke and the ink went wild
     And she gave birth to a colored child.

     Tell me why, ye gen'rous Swains?
     tell me, ye nymphs upon the Plains?
     Why does Sylvia leave the Green?
     Has she done any thing obscene?
     They all reply'd Your Sylvia's gone;
     For she will do't with ev'ry one.

A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first
fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the
fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a
fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."

A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl
sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man
asks, "what is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl. "They call
me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky." "They call him
that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders. "No," she says. "They call
him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs."

Oh, husband, dear husband I tremble with fear, you've been on the night shift
for over a year. And since you are gone all thru the nite, A real piece of ass
seems way out of sight. Oh husband, dear husband, stop being a fool, Working the
nite shift is wasting your tool. Its far better to be hungry the rest of your
life than to bring home a dead pecker to your hot naked wife! I have always been
happy, your little queen, But now when its nite, you're nowhere to be seen! You
come home in the a.m. barely to creep, I feel like fucking, you want to sleep!!!
Each morning, dear husband, when you flop into bed Your intentions are good, but
your pecker is d-e-a-d! Though i have pleaded with you with tears in my eyes And
fondled it gently, that damned thing won't rise! So, i'll get a man who works
thru the day, Then at night while you're gone, I'll proceed to make hay! For in
all this world, there is only one sin, For which there's no pardon, nor never
has been. And that's of a man who is foolish and mean, Who gives up his fucking
to fix a machine!!!!!!!

Message on card from male to female

Scientists determined that the average time of intercourse is four minutes, the
average strokes per minute is nine, making the average intercourse consisting of
thirty-six strokes. the average penis is six inches letting the average girl
receive 216 inches or 18 fet per intercourse.  the average girl does it about 3
time a week, 50 weeks a year, and 150 times 18 makes 2,700 feet or just a little
over half mile! so, if you're not getting your half mile every year, why not let
the man who gave you this card to read--help you catch up?????

The presenter of this card is a member in good standing of the "quarter mile a
day club" and holds the boy scout merit badge for physical fitness!

A nun goes into a doctor's office, worried that she has crabs. After a short
exam, the doctor says he has some good news and some bad news. "The good news,"
he says, "is that you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry is so
old, it has fruit flies."

A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends
half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a
tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately
bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him. "Come on, turn
around," the sailor says angrily. "I don't want to butt-fuck." "But you do want
to open that bottle, don't you?" says the whore.

These two Martians are flying around the earth one night, and land their saucer
in a gas station. One Martian goes over to the cigarette machine, and asks,
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" The other Martian
walks over and says, "don't bother with her, Qmmpzzgl, we're no match for earth
men. Look at that one sleeping over there with his prick in his ear."

MY NOOKIE DAYS ARE OVER MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT WHAT USED TO BE MY SEX APPEAL IS
NOW MY WATER SPOUT TIME WAS WHEN OF IT'S OWN ACCORD FROM TROUSERS IT WOULD
SPRING BUT NOW I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB TO FIND THE BLASTED THING IT USED TO BE
EMBARRASSING THE WAY THAT IT BEHAVED FOR EVERY SINGLE MORNING IT WOULD STAND AND
WATCH ME SHAVE AS MY OLD AGE APPROACHES IT SURE GIVES ME THE BLUES TO SEE IT
HANG IT'S LITTLE HEAD AND WATCH ME TIE MY SHOES!

Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse and sets up a deal
with the <20>adam. "I want something different but not Hurricane Gussy and it took
me ten trips to the clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got thats
different!!" "Well," the Madam replies, "How about One eyed Wanda." He says
"Fine as long as I don't get pissed on or catch something." He goes up to the
room and a bit later a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving
in and she says "Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn't got there." She then
proceeds to remove a glass eye and says, "Give it to me there." He proceeds and
when he was leaving he says to the girl "Dear that was one of the best screws
I've had in years. I'll be back soon!!" She replies "Great!! I'll keep an eye
out for you!"

A WOMAN WENT TO A PODIATRIST WITH A COMPLAINT THAT HER FEET ALWAYS HURT.  HE
IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT SHE WAS EXTEAMLY BOWLEGGED. HE ASKED HER IF SHE HAD
ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY?? NO SHE SAID, NOT UNTIL RECENTLY. IVE BEEN FUCKING A LOT
DOGGIE STYLE.  WELL HE SAID, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP. I CAN'T SHE REPLIED,
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY MY GERMAN SHEPHERD FUCKS.

TWO DRUNKS WERE LYING ALONGSIDE THE CURB WHEN A COP CAME UP THE OFFERCER SAW
THAT ONE HAD HIS FINGER STUCK UP THE OTHER'S ASS. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING? THE COP DEMANDED.  MY BUDDY IS SICK AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP
THE DRUNK SLURRED.  WELL HOW THE HELL IS STICKING YOUR FINGER UP HIS ASS GOING
TO MAKE HIM THROW UP? JUST WAIT THE DRUNK SAID, UNTIL I STICK IT IN HIS
MOUTH......


A shoe salesman picks up a prostitute and wants to do some business. He tells
the young lady that he only has $25 but would like to give her some shoes for
the remainder of her $50 fee. She agrees and they go up to her place.

Now this guy thinks he has to prove something. So, he tries like to hell to give
the whore an orgasm. He does his very best to fuck as long as he can to get her
off, and after a while he feels her pull an arm behind his back. Then she pulls
another arm behind his back. "Wow," he thinks, "I'm gonna make her come." Then
the woman brings both legs up onto his back. He asks, "are you going to come?"
"No," she says, "I'm trying to try on these new shoes."

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penances to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.

"Oh," says the older priest, "give him a dollar or so, if you feel like it.
Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

Having taken a few too many at a hotel dance, a pretty young thing in Cheyenne
dashed out of doors, fainted, and fell over a trash barrel. A young man saw her,
picked her up and carried her up to his room. The next morning he wired his
partner in Denver. "CLOSE OFFICE, SELL EVERYTHING COME TO WYOMING. THEY THROW
AWAY BETTER STUFF HERE THAN YOU CAN BUY IN COLORADO!"

This fellow walks into the local Catthouse looking for some action. In response
to the madams question of how she could be of assistance, he says "I'm looking
for a little different style of sex." The Madam replied, "Well you might try
Hurricane Gussy". So the fellow goes up to the room, gets undressed gets into
bed and waits. A short time later this BIG MAMMA rolls into the room and
announces "I'm Hurricane Gussy." She jumps into bed and starts blowing her warm
breath all over the guys body. He is slightly taken aback by this and says
"Whats the big idea". She replies "Thats the warm wind fom the hurricane. A
little while later she starts flogging him on the face with her enormous tits.
He yells "What the hell's going on!!" She replies "Those are the coconuts
falling from the palms during the hurrucane." A little bit later she stands
astride him and starts pissing all over him. He jumps up and yells "What the
fucks the deal here!!". Gussy replies "those are the rains from the hurricane."
He starts getting dressed and she askes "Where are you going" He replies "I'm
leaving. Who can fuck in this weather!!"

A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense
headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over
and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the
headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after
the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to
the operation. He gets castrated.

Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and
there was no pain, but still, he sat at the window and stared into empty space.
His wife wandered over and told him "Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I
feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me
feel much better."

He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and
orders a fancy suit. The tailor tells the man, "Well, I can tell that you wear a
size 15-and-a-half shirt."

The man is amazed. "That's exactly right," he says.
  "And a size 10-B shoe."
  "Yes!" exclaims the man, "you are right again."
  "And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist
on your underwear," says the tailor.
  "That's perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist."
  "Oh, no," says the tailor, "I know my business. You wear a 36. If you
wore tighter underwear, you'd get pressure built up in your groin,
and then you'd get terrible headaches."

A Ukranian couple just got married and they have just arrived in their hotel
room on their honeymoon.  They are undressing and the groom takes off his shoes
and socks.  The wife sees his toes and says "Oh my God! what happened to your
toes?" His toes are all wizzened up and look terrible.  He says "Didn't I tell
you? When I was little I had toelio." So they continue undressing and the groom
takes off his pants.  The wife sees his knees and says "Oh my God! what happened
to your knees?" His knees are awful.  They are just big ugly knobs.  He says
"Didn't I tell you? When I was young I had kneasles." They continue to undress
and the groom takes off his underwear.  The bride exclaimes "Oh my God! you
never told me you had smallcocks too!"

A GUY WALKS INTO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HIS ELBOW HURTS.
THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND CATCH A SAMPLE OF URINE AS HE
JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER THAT CAN ANALYZE THE SAMPLE AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING
THAT IS WRONG WITH THE MAN. THE MAN TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HE HAS JUST PISSED AND
DOESN'T HAVE ANY LEFT, SO THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO TAKE THE BOTTLE HOME AND BTING
IT BACK LATER.  AS THE MAN DRIVES HOME, HE GETS A BRAINSTORM. ONCE HOME HE TELLS
HIS WIFE TO PEE INTO THE BOTTLE AND THEN TELLS HIS DAUGHTER TO DO THE SAME.
LATER, WHILE WALKING THE DOG, HE CATCHES SOME OF THE DOGS PISS ALSO.  JUST
BEFORE TAKING THE SAMPLE BACK TO THE DOCTOR, HE BEATS OFF INTO THE BOTTLE. THE
DOCTOR RUNS THE SAMPLE THROUGH THE COMPUTER AND RETURNS TO THELL THE MAN THAT HE
HAS SOME MAJOR PROBLMS.  THE MAN SAYS 'BUT JUST MY ELBOW HURTS!'.  THE DOCTOR
SAYS 'WELL, THAT'S JUST TENNIS ELBOW. BUT THE OTHER PROBLEMS ARE BAD.  FIRST,
YOUR WIFE HAS VD, SECOND, YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT AND THIRD, YOUR DOG HAS
DISTEMPER.' WOW, THE MAN EXCLAIMS, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY ELBOW? THE DOCTOR RETORTED:
QUIT BEATING OFF AND YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL HEAL!!!
.' WOW, THE MAN EXCLAIMS, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY ELBOW? THE DOCTOR RE