textfiles/sex/EROTICA/S/selfhelp.txt

A Little Self Help
author unknown

*****

Chapter 1 - Visitation

Another interruption was really more than I could bear so I left the
keyboard a little hurriedly and charged downstairs. If those blasted
Witnesses were back again I'd give them something to tell people
about. I flung the door open and stopped because there she was. I
couldn't quite place her but there was definitely something familiar
and yet also quite strange about her.

"Moderately reasonable place you have here John." She grinned. "How
about letting me in?" I must have been a little too slow for her so she
continued "Come on then, this is very important. Jane's getting cold."

I took her inside and sat her down, watched her admiring the
decorations such as they were. The silence became a bit awkward but I
was determined not to break first. I resorted to staring at the clock
for a while. It kept on ticking as usual.

"I suppose you think this is strange?"
"Oh no, mysterious women are always knocking on my door and acting
weird. It happens to me all the time. Only the other day..."
"Don't worry, I know all about you, everything. I want to help."
"Everything?"
"The works."
"You a spy, a psychic or a nut?"
"No, it's simple. How can I say this - I'm another one of you."
"Oh wow, I just knew it. I'm going to call the police or a doctor or
something. You just barge in here and ..."
"You've spent a fair deal of time looking in the mirror lately, don't you
see any resemblance? There are two sides to mirrors you know."

I looked at her much more closely, slim, nice figure and face, long
dark hair. Those tight jeans showed off her figure really well.  She
had a great voice too and a sexy smile. Unfortunately, most of the
resemblance was in my dreams.

"Now look. I don't know who put you up to this but I'm not going for
it. What do you really want?"
"I want you give you a chance at being happy. I'm taking a big risk by
being here but I've seen you and her crying, I know you'd have done the
same for me."
"I don't really know what you mean."
"Yes you do, things aren't right for you. I can help."
"Oh yes, by coming around out of nowhere and driving me mad? You'll be
telling me you're some sort of fairy godmother next. Wave the wand and
zap, everything's fine."
"Oh stop it, no magic wand see, and definitely no pumpkin." She shook her
sleeves as proof. "I'm not offering you an easy out, just something no
one else can. It might turn out harder than if you leave it and walk
away."
"I don't understand. You keep hinting at some kind of big secret. It's
getting to me."
"You do seem a little disturbed. I'll leave you more details and we'll
talk again soon. I'm sorry for winding you up but I couldn't resist
it. You know what our sense of humour is like."

I watched her take out a small cube from a pocket that hadn't been
there before and place it on the table. Then she fiddled with her
watch for a while, cursed a bit, blew me a kiss and seemed to fold out
of existence right in front of me.

I fell into a chair, just a little bit shocked. Then I went to get
myself a drink and made it a very large one. I had another couple. I
could hardly bear to look at the table. The cube was still there. I
laughed madly to myself as I threw three books of popular physics into
the dustbin. It was expensive, but good therapy usually is.

Chapter 2 - Learning Difficulties

It may surprise you that the cube was left on the table for a whole
day. I could see it was going to be one of the most important things
in my life and knew I had to approach it right, make the right choice
and find out what the hell was going on. Also, I was bloody scared.

So the following evening I picked it up and studied it. A featureless
grey cube slightly smaller than one of those used to be popular
puzzles. It didn't rattle and had no switches visible. As I sat
watching it a swirling pattern started to develop within. It disturbed
me somehow and I kept staring at it. I started to feel like it was
sucking me in and I was about to fall into deep space. I was already
tired and sleep came easily and words and pictures followed. She was
in there with me.

"Hi, freaky isn't it? I hope my exit didn't upset you too much.  To
answer your biggest questions I'm your counterpart in a fairly close
reality. Our tech level is much higher and we've started to experiment
with dimensional travel. I'm on the research team but contact like
this is strictly forbidden, I'm taking rather a risk with this.  This
cube is programmed with quite a lot of my personal records and
detailed information on the things you'll want to know. Interactive
retrieval commences. Bye for now love."

Her image faded and I found myself in a small, well lit, room with a
desk and chair. I sat down and a middle aged man entered and came over
to me.

"Hello, I'm the access program. Tell me what you want and I'll get
it."
"What? Isn't that a little low tech?"
"Of course not. You are not implanted with an access terminal.  Your
sister thought a familiar metaphor would help. She created me to assist
you. Please let me help you."
"Ok then, let's start with some fairly basic biology and psych texts,
films, mind melds or whatever it is you guys use."
"Accessing. There are 12,436 items stored in this system which match
your criteria. I suggest these three." He waved and they appeared on
the desk. "Call me back when you need more." He left. I got to work.

When I came around I found the house in total darkness except for the
orange glow from the lights outside. I checked my watch and saw seven
hours had passed in the trance. I searched for the cube and found it
under the chair where it had rolled away. It's program completed it
now glistened black.

My experience seemed dreamlike but also more real than the mundane
reality surrounding me. I clasped my head as the pain hit me. I looked
at the thing with some respect then decided to take some aspirin
before the pounding in my head woke the neighbours.

When I was feeling vaguely human again I went upstairs and took out
some of my clothes, put on some make up and dressed in jeans and body.
As I put on my wig the usual feeling of relief and calmness flooded
through me but tonight it was different as I looked at myself with new
knowledge. I put on my new earrings and was quite pleased.

I still didn't look how I really wanted but it always made me feel
better, all I ever wanted was to be myself and it had always been
denied.

Later on I had the usual pain when I had to take it all off again. I
washed off the make up and once again became the normal person
everyone expects to see me as, the square peg in the round hole. The
often depressed and pained duality. People wonder why I'm miserable
ha! they got the right life. No one tells them they can't have
children, enjoy sex, wear their favourite clothes.

I managed to stop myself before the run of self pity could really get
under way and went to the kitchen to make a drink.

It was a fitful night as fragments of knowledge splattered across my
brain like some deranged modern artwork. If a little learning is a
dangerous thing I'd become positively lethal.

As ever being awake is maddening, you're tired, you try and will
yourself to sleep all night. You finally manage it and the alarm goes
off. You feel like death but drag yourself out of bed anyway and head
off to work to offer yourself up to the machine. This morning I just
thought sod it.

Chapter 3 - Reunion

I got up and called in sick, went back to bed and slept a little more.
Just after lunchtime I got bored and went for a walk. It ended up
being quite a long one as I mulled over my recently gained knowledge.
I found my steps taking me along by the canal.

I walked past empty warehouses and factories along a path that seemed
deserted. It brought back to me the time six months ago when I'd stood
staring at the water and thought hard about throwing myself in.  I
watched the water moving, dropped in a stone and saw the ripples
slowly fade.

I felt alone and frustrated. Knowing no one was around I vented some
of it by shouting.

"I suppose you think you're bloody clever!" and jumped with a massive
start as she grabbed my shoulder from behind and squeezed.
"Well, I don't argue with facts. My, you look a bit off colour, been
up all night?"

I couldn't help join in with her laughter as I could imagine the
expression I'd had on my face.

"You have got my sense of humour."
"No, you've got mine!"
"But you've got my real body."
"I used to have one like yours. It didn't fit, I took it back."

This exchange struck both of us as rather funny and we laughed for a
long time.  I suppose you had to be there. We embraced and walked
along the path together. Our conversation was a bit fitful as we kept
meeting other people walking dogs or jogging determinedly.

"So now we're even, you know all about me."
"Yes, you've had an interesting life."
"Oh, I don't know."
"Was being a man in your world hard?"
"Not really, it just didn't suit me. I decided to switch."
"And no one minded?"
"It's no utopia but people are encouraged to experiment, find out who
they are and what they need and are helped to get it, whatever it is."
"And you say it's no utopia!"
"It's just more tolerant, this place will be better eventually but you
haven't got that long. I can help you jump the queue a little."
"You mean it?"
"Would I lie to me?"
"What did your parents say?"
"Err, hi love, we burned your old clothes and you're marrying your
cousin next week."
"So zis humour runs in ze family. Zat is very interesting. So, what's
ze secret plan."
"You disappear for a while with me, I hack you an ID and as a decent,
responsible, citizen you apply for DNA Retromod. Then I put you back
and you carry on how you want. Except you'll be able to use the
cleaner public loos and you won't smell quite as badly in the
mornings."
"You have done your research, I'm impressed." She bowed ironically.
"But what if you get caught."
"I shouldn't. You won't be around long, I should be able to cover it.
If they get me then I'll be off the project and get into some real
trouble. But hey, almost identical people from different realities
should stick together!"
"You and me and and me and me against the world?"
"Not quite, but close."
"And I'll be away for?"
"Six months or so."
"I could say I'm doing a solo walk round the world."
"Digging to China?"
"Skiing down Everest?"
"Or just say you're quitting. You may well want a change of scene when
you get back. What do you say?"
"Come on, I'll race you to that bridge."
"Which one? Hey! Come back you cheater!"

Chapter 4 - Departure

I'd packed the few things I wanted to take and surprisingly it wasn't
that much. After all it was just a another little trip away from home.
Mothers generally don't hand out advice for what to take on
interdimensional journeys, somehow a packed lunch seems oddly
inadequate.

I took out the small box and read the note again for about the
fiftieth time. "I would fetch you but I have to operate this end.
Signal when you're ready. Mind the reality gap, closing your eyes
helps." I turned it over again to look at the cartoon cat sticking its
tongue out at me, smiled, then put it back in my pocket.

I closed my eyes tightly and pressed the button. I felt nothing.  Then
suddenly I was being touched and kissed. "You do look funny standing
like that, posed for any good statues lately?"

I opened my eyes to find myself in a white room which seemed familiar
except for several pieces of what could well be machinery placed
tastefully around the room in a pleasing pattern.

"Now remember, you're my brother. Everyone's expecting you, just try
and keep calm."
"Calm she says! I feel like my heart is about to burst out of the top
of my head."
She gave me a very weird look "You humans have a very strange
physiology." and stared at me glassily. I fell for it again and she
giggled loudly before handing me a thin bracelet.
"This is your ID and terminal, you are a member of a religious sect
which forbids bodily implants. Wear it always, and think of me."
"I will, your supreme cleverness."
"Just don't screw up. Learn to use the bracelet to do simple things
like open doors and call lifts first, I'll help you pick it up. Now
come on."

As we left the room an older man entered and looked quizzically at me.
She nudged me, somewhat excessively I thought, I'm not totally thick.

"My brother is programmed for full access, a courtesy to our visitors."
"I knew that dear, I was merely waiting politely to be introduced."
"My brother John, this is Zax - archivist and master programmer on our
research project."
"A pleasure, I can see the resemblance. I hope your mind is as strong
and clear as hers."
"I hope so too. I have heard of your wisdom, I feel like we've met
already." She nudged me again.
"Thank you, be welcome in our place of work." He bowed and left.
"So, you're not above borrowing from your surroundings?"
"Of course not, elegant reuse is a cornerstone of simulation."
"Bullshit."
"Yeah. Must be rubbing off. I like him alot, I knew you'd get on."
"He seems like he has a knack for finding things out."

They left the room and soon the building to find a landscaped garden
outside covering a fair deal of ground.

"I hope he waits till you're safely back before he puts 10 base 2
and 10 base 2 together though. Let's go home."
"How do we do that?"
"Simple. We use our legs, race you back!" She ran off straight ahead.
"You bloody cheat! I don't know where it is." He followed her laughter
into the distance.

Chapter 4 - Home

Her place was nearby and very tastefully done too, put mine to shame a
bit. I tried to look casual, sank into a chair and accepted a large drink.

"Hi home. I'm home."
"Good afternoon Jane, you have two messages."
"Save them for later. Offline."
"Fine."
"Ok, I'll need about two weeks to get everything set up. That is if
you're sure you still want to do it?"
"Never felt surer."
"I hope we get away with it."
"Sure we will."
I was a bit surprised when the kid walked in. He looked around 9 or 10
but I was wary of judging ages around here. For once I decided to keep
quiet.
"Hi mom!"
"Hello, come and say hello to your uncle - remember what I told you."
"Yeah, keep my big mouth shut or I get walloped."
"That's right. It's a secret ok?"
"Sure. I'm off to meet the guys, I'll probably be back tomorrow."
"Ok, have fun. Watch that blonde guy, she's got her eye on you."
He blushed noticeably "We haven't done anything at all yet Mom."
"I know, I'm getting worried about you, now get going."
"Bye then, bye uncle!" He winked dramatically at me and left quickly.
"I thought you said it wasn't a complete bio reversal."
"It isn't. If I can't bear a child naturally I can still supply half
the genes and raise one. He's going to be a bit like his father, too
damn clever by half."
"And like his mother?"
"What, you mean totally irresistible?" She brushed her hair aside and
laughed.
"What else?"
"Come on let's get some food."

Chapter 5 - Alterations

I was very nervous as we walked to the medcentre. Can I do this? What
will happen? Why am I talking to myself? I made myself shut up. Once
they had me tucked up in bed they tactfully left us alone for a while.

"I thought it would be all robots and machines and computers."
"It is, they just do this to make people feel at ease. When I've gone,
they'll knock you out, put you in this big machine, saw off the top of
your head."
"And suck out my brains?"
"No, that's the reverse operation. You're becoming a woman."
"We've watched too many bad films. What really happens?"
"We interface you to the design program, it's a special job old Zax
tailored for my change. A real work of art."
"We can talk later?"
"Once things get under way, you'll be put in semi-active mode and
plugged into some comms. Relax and I'll catch you on the net."
"I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed."
"No you're not, but you soon will be. I'll see you on the other side."
"Take care."
"And you. Don't interact with any strange men. Not till you have the
right bits anyway!"

She kissed me and left, waving from the door. I really did start to
feel relaxed and felt quite good when the medic arrived.

"We're ready to start. These jobs are quite routine now and you have the
best program I've seen for it. I'll be monitoring you but there should
be no problem." He produced a small metal tube.
"What are you going to ..." The lights dimmed to black.

I came to in what looked suspiciously like a psychiatrists office. The
bearded figure got me to lie down on the couch.

"I hope you can handle this scenario. There are several others available."
"This will be fine."
"Now then, you understand there are limits to what we can do here."
"Yes, I know. Can you tell me what's going to happen? It will help me
concentrate."
"Of course. I am supplied with your physical and mental parameters and
genetic template. We will together develop an a desired end
configuration based on GeneFlow simulations. I will construct a tailored
Splicer to modify the activation patterns of certain parts of your code."
"This will cause a shift towards the final configuration?"
"Precisely. Over a few months major changes will occur to your body
and we shall perform minor rewiring of certain motor and other nerve
functions to ensure a perfect mapping of your new arrangement. The UNI
nanomachines involved are programmed to destruct afterwards. I understand
this is permissible to your sect."
"And if they don't?"
"It is unlikely but if they do you will not be waking up. I understand
suicide is permissible to your sect under certain conditions."
"I believe some of our more forward members have tried it."
"It should not be necessary. Commence design programme. May your experience
be positive. All trademarks acknowledged."
"The more things change...."
"Indeed. An apt observation."

Chapter 6 - To Awaken

"Ok, I have to go now. They want to shut me down for a full check
before they let me out of here at last."
"Let's hope they haven't lost your system disk."
"Yeah."
"See you in a week or so. Does it hurt?"
"Only when I don't laugh."
"I know. It was a corny joke, I'm sorry. Hey I've seen your pictures,
you are going to be one sexy creature."
"I'll believe it when I see me."
"You will. Bye."
"Bye."

Her e-voice faded and I signalled that I was ready.

"You are stable and nominal. There is no indication of trouble. A
complete medical scan will now be performed. You will not be conscious
during this procedure. If all has gone well we will not speak again,
your full function will be restored. Thank you for using our software."
"Where do I send the tip?"
"Clarify? Destination of effluent heap has no appropriate referent."
"Never mind. Thanks for your help."
"Terminal 7 disconnect. GTech sequence 1023 concluded. Scan commences.
Good luck and thank you again."

I yawned and stretched before trying to get out of bed and falling
over. It wasn't I was tired or really disoriented, just that I had two
seemingly overlaid self images for a moment. I made do with sitting
down a while and thinking. I tried again and it seemed easier. I made
it across the room and caught my image in the mirror. I almost fell
over again. I stared into it deeply, so engrossed was I that I missed
the sound of the door.

"Wow!"
"Hi sis! How come you're out of bed. Get back in, doctors orders."
"Doctor of what?"
"Molecular Systems Technology, not really medical but not too far off
these days."
"How do I look?"
"Too good, too blonde, and too pleased with yourself. I'm really
happy for you, and madly jealous."
"Thanks, there's no need to be. You're the irresistible one remember.
It's all down to you in any case. What happens now?"
"You wait a while for your reflexes to catch up with the rest of you
and we go home. When I'm sure you're fine we send you back on the
longer trip."
"I hope I don't wake up soon, I love this dream!"
"Oi, cover yourself up." She pointed at the window and I saw one of
the techs peering in and gazing at me. I dived for the bed and ended up
under it.
"Reactions excellent, coordination terrible. Needs more work."
"Ouch!" I laughed so hard I banged my head.

Chapter 7 - Discovery

Extract - Personal Diary - Jane 24/10/98

I had been looking forward to the meal and he didn't disappoint me,
taking his usual pride in serving up things I've never heard of cooked
in exquisite ways. It was a real pity it hadn't worked out, we were
both too headstrong I suppose. I still care deeply for him and he is
kind to me, even while he is with another as is the case often these
days.

Soon after we had finished eating he took me over to the seating area
and we relaxed. I was soon unrelaxed when he made it clear that he
knew everything that had gone on.

"Jane really, I'm surprised at you."
"When did you find out?"
"Quite early on, your programs were very good but not undetectable."
"I suppose I should have expected it."
"Sooner or later you would have been found out. I can't decide
whether you were being selfish or altruistic.  It's rather unique to
help yourself out in this way. At least your motive seems to have been
kindness and concern for another. That is good."
"So what are you going to do?"

There was a long pause as he seemed to be searching for words and
weighing me up for bad news.

"Nothing, I have discovered some things you weren't aware of. I'm afraid
you can't send her back."
"But.."
"A strange disturbance in the other reality has occurred."
"What happened?"
"Spacetime pushed back, it found a gap in itself and closed it. She has
no life to return to."
"But we've done so many trips, nothing has ever ..."
"For short periods only, a day at most. Apparently it is not safe to be
away for long. Or perhaps there are other things at work. I hate to say
this but we are dabbling in things we don't really understand."
"What about her starting a new life back there?"
"I cannot allow that, it seems we have been given a warning we should
heed. Who knows what will happen if we don't?"
"All the same I ..."
"I have notified the Sector Council, she has been offered full
citizenship and will probably be able to adjust quite easily, it's
only one more transition after all. It may even work out for the
best."

End Extract.

After she'd left Zax brought up the document on the view screen again
and mused over it. A parochial historical record from the other
reality. September 1st 1994. Page 16. A small item noting a mysterious
violent death. Their 'police' were investigating. They would find no
culprit. The verdict would remain open but the file would be swiftly
closed.

He would see that neither woman returned to the other reality and found
out the horror that had happened to one of them there. He disliked
deception and concealment but sometimes it can prevent pain and he
would take the guilt on himself rather than see them in pain. They were
so much alike really, he had loved one of them and owed something to
both of them.

Chapter 8 - Stability

Well I've been here for some time now and it hasn't been too bad. I
spent a pretty good few months with my sister, getting used to my new
self.  I then decided I should make a start by myself and was
allocated somewhere to live.

Since then I've had a few lovers of various persuasions (now I know
what all the fuss about sex was about) made a good few friends and not
had too hard a time fitting in. It's taken a lot of mental effort to
get anywhere up to speed with some of the things I should have learnt
in school here.

Life is longer here and a little more relaxed than before, at least in
some ways. In other ways it's much harder, especially when alot of
your knowledge and outlook has suddenly become useless.

Planning is just starting for the first StarSearch expedition, in
about thirty years time the ship will leave orbit and I hope to be on
it, it will take more hard work than I ever thought I might be capable
of but determination has set in, my friends call it blind stubbornness.

Chapter 9 - Hope and Disturbance

I can't help wondering what happened back there. Sometimes I catch a
glimpse of myself and feel a strange shiver that disturbs me. Not so
much someone walking on my grave as breaking through it with a pickaxe
and raking over my bones.

But then as Zax says, human literature is full of those who make a
deal with the devil. There aren't that many of them who escape with
both their lives and their souls intact. I just hope I have.

I'm not dead yet, at least not here. Just don't let me wake up.

FIN