166 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
166 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
The Interview
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WARNING: This story contains graphic scenes of talking heads,
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references to deviant (but extremely entertaining) sex acts, and
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references which certain humorless feminist (and other) types
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will hopefully find offensive.
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Cyndi walked into the mahogony office, the person in charge of wheeling
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visitors in on a hand cart being on break, and shook hands with
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Mr. Winternesse. "Good afternoon, Ms. Cannon," he said. "I'm
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glad you were able to come in and discuss our Executive Slave
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program. Your background is exactly what we look for in a
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candidate."
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"Thank you," she said. "I've heard very good things about the
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program from others who've been through it. All very successful
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people, I might add, and they swear that they owe it all to the
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Executive Slave program."
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"Yes. There's not another corporate program -- and I'm including
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the coop programs at even the top universities -- that provides
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the scope of ours. You'll get a solid grounding in all aspects
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of the business, along with earning an M.B.A., plus an
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unparalleled opportunity to develop the invaluable skill of
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executive ass-kissing."
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"I understand the program is very exclusive. What are my chances
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of getting in?"
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"Oh, excellent. In fact, we may have a superb opportunity for
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you. Our CEO, Mr. Windmill, will be needing a new executive
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slave within the next month. His current slave is graduating
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from the program and" -- his permanent smile dimmed a trifle --
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"taking a position as CFO with a rival firm. In any case, the
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CEO is heterosexual, and very partial to long dark hair and large
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breasts."
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"I wondered about that. Don't you have problems about sexual
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discrimination in this program?"
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"Not really. If we meet our EOE goals for executive positions,
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the numbers for the Executive Slave program work themselves out
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quite nicely. Although we do have a great deal of difficulty
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recruiting from certain minority groups."
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"I can imagine. So you think I have a good chance at being Mr.
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Windmill's Executive Slave?"
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"I should think so, although of course Mr. Windmill will make the
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final decision. Based on your background, it's virtually certain
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that you'll be accepted into the program if you want it. Mr.
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Windmill will choose from the available candidates, as will the
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other executives whose slaves are leaving. How much do you know
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about the requirements for the position?"
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"I've heard a good deal, but I'd like to hear it from you."
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"You know, of course, that this is an unpaid position?"
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"Yes. So I won't be a wage slave, at least."
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"No. Even so, we have five times as many candidates as we can
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accept."
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"I'm very flattered that you're considering me, then."
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"That's a very good attitude, but it isn't necessary to butter me
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up. Save it for Mr. Windmill. One of the things you'll learn in
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the program is how to know which ass to kiss. Now, as I say,
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there is no salary attached to the position, but your tuition
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to graduate business school will be paid by the company, and
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you'll be expected to receive your M.B.A. in two years, six
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months before the end of the program. Failure to complete
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your studies on time will result in punishment."
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"I've heard."
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"You'll notice that I don't reprimand you for interrupting. An
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Executive Slave may interrupt to ask a question or challenge a
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business decision at any time. But never, ever question or
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disobey a direct order."
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"I understand."
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"You will be given time to attend classes, but the rest of your
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time will be spent with Mr. Windmill (I'm assuming here that he
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accepts you.) Between homework and attending to Mr. Windmill
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business and personal needs, you are likely to have very, very
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little time to yourself."
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"I understand."
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"Do you? You will eat with him, sleep with him, shower with him,
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make love to him, go to meetings with him, take notes for him.
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If he takes a leak, you'll hold his penis for him."
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"Do I wipe his ass for him, too?"
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"No. There are some things a man must do for himself, although
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one or two of our executives may need help finding the spot. You
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will, however, check to make sure there's enough toilet paper.
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If he plays golf, you'll caddy for him. You'll act as his
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sounding board, stroke his ego, and help relieve his stress. Are
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you aware of what that may entail?"
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"I've heard things."
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"The CFO of our firm has a bullwhip hanging on the wall of her
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office. She uses it on her ES -- that's Executive Slave -- about
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once a week."
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"That was one of the things I'd heard."
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"Mr. Windmill prefers to administer spankings on the bare
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buttocks with a wooden spoon. You understand that you need not
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deserve a spanking in order to receive one? If the V.P. of
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Marketing deserves a good spanking -- and I can think of no one
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who would benefit more from one -- then you will get it, not he.
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One does not spank the executives of the corporation, however
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much they may deserve it."
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"I understand. I think I can handle it."
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"Excellent. We like to see highly motivated individuals in our
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organization. Now, as I was saying, you will spend virtually
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every hour of your time in the program with Mr. Windmill, except
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for what you spend in class. When he doesn't need you, you'll be
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chained to a desk outside his office, literally, with your books
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and a word processor."
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"I understand. Are there any other requirements?"
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"Well, under certain circumstances you may be required to meet
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with and entertain customers or creditors of the firm."
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"You mean to have sex with them?"
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"Certainly not. We don't do business that way. Your job would
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merely be to stall an irate customer, creditor or IRS auditor
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long enough for Mr. Windmill to get out of the office -- or out
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of town, if need be."
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"I see."
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"One more thing, and this is specific to the job as Mr.
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Windmill's ES. Mr. Windmill meets with the board of directors
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every quarter. You would be expected to attend along with him,
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of course, and to dress as provocatively as possible. You would
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take notes and make coffee and so on, but your primary reason for
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being there would be to distract the board members from -- why,
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Ms. Cannon, where on earth are you going?"
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"Look, I don't know what kind of bimbo you think you're dealing
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with here, but I don't make coffee for *anybody*."
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Slam. The end.
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DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are no one's. It's
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only a story, and should not be confused with a Harvard Business
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School Case Study. The company in question resembles nowhere
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I've ever worked, although most companies have one or two V.P.s
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who ought to be spanked.
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CLAIMER: Copyright 1991, Patrick D. Scannell
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