220 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
220 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
How to Get Laid
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by Leeanne Hayes
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It's worse than Russian roulette. How can you guys even predict scoring?
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The ones that look like they will, won't. The ones that look like they
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won't, will. The ones you'd wish you'd never met, offer to blow you when you
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haven't even asked. The aggressive ones scare the hell out of you by backing
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you into closets at parties and groping you while the guests look on in
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amusement.
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Cocktail waitresses can give you a million ideas on what doesn't work,
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bartenders can give you a million ideas on what does.
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What's a man to do? It doesn't appear in Amy Vanderbilt and even if it
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did, her advice probably wouldn't work either. The athletic club is no
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counseling center; you might as well go to Planned Parenthood. Christ, fellow
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jocks who probably haven't had a piece in months, expounding on secret trysts
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that never occurred. No guy is going to tell you HE ever failed. All you men
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get is unrealistic hype!-hints that don't make it. Hence, My Personal Guide
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For How to Get Laid.
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Tip 1. Know What Makes Them Weak. They all have a soft spot, somewhere,
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hidden behind that iron feminist demeanor. Women are always on the
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defensive so you won't reject them first. They feel you will no
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longer be interested if they act like they like you. Doesn't everyone
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always want what they can't have? They were taught to play "hard to
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get" from the time they were tots and cultivated the habit from
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watching you pursue girls who were indifferent to you. All women have
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a sentimental streak. But what works for one will not necessarily
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work for another.
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Tip 2. Act Nonchalant. This will cause them to think you date regularly and
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have sampled many different women, which will cause them to try
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harder to please you. Everyone wants to be respected. No one wants to
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be exploited. You can always exploit them later.
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Tip 3. Never Act Desperate. Don't appear at the door with a giant hard-on,
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get down on your knees claiming you only have one month to live or
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that you have prostate trouble and if you don't have intercourse, the
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urologist said your life will be in danger. Women are wise to this.
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They have heard every imaginable excuse. If you're going to bullshit
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them, you'd better be extremely creative.
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Tip 4. Don't Try Anything (at First). An excellent way to work your way into
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her pants is to go out with her a couple of times and don't try
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anything at all, even a goodnight kiss on the cheek. Every woman
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expects to be approached. They are hopeful and eager for it, even if
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they are going to reject you. Not trying is a sure winner. It drives
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them crazy. They'll call their girlfriends and their analysts and
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marvel in utter disbelief, "He didn't even try." How humiliating to
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have a man like you for your mind in this day of raw sexuality, where
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Gay Talese and Hugh Hefner are the most admired people of junior high
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school students. Wornen want to be desirable as well as
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intellectually stimulating. They want to be coveted like a Playboy
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centerfold but you lay a hand on them before they're ready and VA VA
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VOOM!!! They want to be lusted after, even if they hate you.
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Rejection bothers everyone, no matter what people say.
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Tip 5. Be Natural. I know it's hard to be natural in California but try.
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Don't drive up in a rented Bill Blass Continental, complete with a
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Pierre Cardin shirt and tie, Gucci shoes, Bijan scarf. Be unique but
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be yourself. Boring is better than bullshit. It seems that nowadays
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everything has a signature: jeans, purses, even condoms. Don't go
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overboard on appearance. Don't arrange items on the back seat of your
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car so you appear interesting, i.e. professional journals,
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intellectual books, athletic equipment, expensive cologne, etc. Bor
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looks like you hired a personality decorator. If Woody Allen tried to
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be George Hamilton, it would never work.
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Tip 6. Chemistry. A lot can be said about chemistry. You know the feeling.
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Once in a while chemistry will occur (she could even be ugly, but she
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sews her own clothes and has a quick wit). It doesn't matter where
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you take her, what you say, how you dress or dance, you shall
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overcome. Women know after five minutes if they are going to sleep
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with you, either that night or in the future. Predicting what a woman
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will do or how she will react is like trying to predict the weather,
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but it doesn't hurt to be ready, just in case (you know, clean
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sheets, maybe a bottle of champagne). Sometimes, during the course of
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an evening, they change their minds. I have known so many women who
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said, "I'd never sleep with him in a million years!" But as the
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evening wears on, they begin to weaken. Your charm and attractiveness
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come through and they decide to have sex with you after all. These
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sudden decisions can occur at any time (during the first course of a
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meal, at intermission, riding in the car).
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Tip 7. The Kamikaze Approach. Don't come on like a vocal, financial and
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intellectual hurricane. You know what I mean: In the first five
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minutes you boast how you became a millionaire, traveled the world,
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own houses in every country, got bored with jets, are sick of yachts,
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country clubs, polo, hotels and Club Med. A woman can tell if a man
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has money; it shows even if he never speaks. Don't ask them before
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the first cocktail if they'd like to go to San Francisco for the
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weekend. Firstly, if they say yes, you have nothing to work for. How
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impressionable she must be; this girl is definitely looking for a
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Sugar Daddy or a fast whirlwind weekend. You don't want freeloaders.
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Secondly, if she says yes in the first five minutes, how is she to
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know you're not Richard Speck? Too impulsive. Sex and lust should
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occur because of overwhelming tenderness, that crazy feeling that
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possesses you, not because, "I bought you dinner so you owe it to me"
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or "Well, we're both here, what the hell."
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Tip 8. Sport Fucking. If you are like a little boy in a candy store and must
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sample everyone, do so with decorum and hygiene. But sooner or later,
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this will become an exhausting, abominable way of life. You won't be
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able to remember what story you told to whom, or who you took to
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certain restaurants. You'll say things like, "We sure had an elegant
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meal at Ma Maison" to your Tuesday night companion. She will know
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perfectly well it was some other cupcake who was the recipient of
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that wonderful meal. This will really piss her off if you've been
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taking her to Denny's. The thing that offends me about sport fucking
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is that it's like having a second cup of coffee, as routine and
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commonplace as brushing your teeth. Sex should be special, always. If
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you need sex that much, jack off (you don't want the title of
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one-minute-wonder, anyway), or buy yourself an inflatable doll to
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practice with, or hire a prostitute. There is nothing wrong with
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zipless fucks, but I assume guys want "semi-meaningful"
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relationships, as well as sexually satisfying ones. Don't be the
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sexual Bruce Jenner on your block. Sooner or later you will get tired
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of the juggling, scheduling scene.
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Tip 9. (Don't Be) "The Professor of Desire & a Budding Dr. Masters." Even
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if you are a George Hamilton, don't verbalize about how you were
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interviewed for the Kinsey report because of your talent, how you
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study human sexuality, edited such books as The Joy of Sex, The
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Sensuous Man, and quarterlies like Human Sexuality. Don't admit you
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were asked to pose for Playgirl. It never hurts to keep a low
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profile. Good lovers need not boast. And big talkers don't
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necessarily make good lovers. All that hype can damage your psyche.
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Tip 10. Never Call Them Cunts. Speak about all past, present and future
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women with great admiration, affection, concern, and fondness, but
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not at great length. They will figure you have a wonderful
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relationship with your mother (even if you don't, lie) and love
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women in general. This means respect: Respect means action.
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Tip 11. Sympathy. Another way to get them really cranked up is that old line
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"I was hurt so deeply, I'll never fall in love again." Immediately
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they want to rehabilitate you, cook your dinner, clean up your
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house, work in your garden, spoil you. "I'll show him it can be
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different" they're thinking, wanting to smother your pain away with
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their breasts, stroking your face, deviously working on a new
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campaign to abolish your hurt.
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Tip 12. Macho Is Out! Don't brag about how you can't wait for hunting season
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to begin and that you race dragsters on the weekends. Personally, I
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find men who are sensitive to animals (especially cats) appealing.
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(I have three of them.) Goldfish don't make it. Birds maybe.
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Tip 13. Cheapness. Randy Newman can sing about "Short People" but nothing is
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more offensive to women than cheap men. God help the guy who brings
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a sack lunch and takes his date to the drive-in. Never mention the
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high cost of living before you give your order to the waiter. Never
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admit to not making your child support or alimony payments.
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Bra-burning feminists could become violent, visualizing your
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children praying for subsidized school lunches.
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Tip 14. "Fools Rush In." You remember that old song. Don't push. Be patient.
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Women are used to being "expected" to put out. They are on the
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defensive. One false move and they'll duke you. Be coy and they'll
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probably rape you. Then you'd better have the goods to deliver. Most
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women I know prefer genuine, even unattractive men to handsome
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bimbos. A relationship is like a tennis game!-you want to play with
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someone who hits better than you do, or at least as well. Likewise,
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most women want a man who is as smart as or smarter than they are.
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No one wants to go around with an uninformed, social klutz. You
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wouldn't. On the other hand, some women I know prefer weak men so
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they can push them around and dominate them.
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Tip 15. "Your Castle" shouldn't be overdone. It shouldn't look like Sexual
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Revolution Headquarters. No monogrammed wine bottles, beepers. Don't
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have the answering service call you repeatedly to make you appear
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popular. No penicillin bottles in plain sight. Your shampoo should
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not be Kwell.
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Tip 16. Your Profession. Don't play the part; don't come over with a
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stethoscope draped around your neck or a slide rule in your hip
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pocket. Never take her to your office so she can see you've "made
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it." This process produces the reverse; by showing them, you are
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trying to reassure yourself. Besides, it's so pompous.
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Tip 17. Welfare Fucks. These are the girls you owe it to but can't seem to
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get it up for and dread having to do so.... We all have people to
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whom we owe fucking. People that have been overly generous, helpful
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and kind because they genuinely wanted to help you. People who went
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out of their way to assist you when the chips were down and asked
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nothing in return. (See, asking nothing in return makes you want to
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reward them out of guilt.) But beware . . . you don't screw your
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friends; this can't help but change the comfortable relationship you
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share now. And inevitably, the reason for this close, fond
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friendship is the absence of sex. Always wondering makes it more
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fun. Never do anything unless it feels right.
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Tip 18. Those Angry Libbers. Feminists can be so trying. Everything you say
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can and will be used against you. Everything you say is wrong,
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sexist. Don't tell them they look nice or they'll accuse you of
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using them for sex symbols. Be ambivalent. Tell them you think Bella
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Abzug is beautiful, you make less money than they do for the same
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job, and you love to make coffee in the morning and deliver it to
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co-workers.
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Tip 19. Too Close for Comfort. You know who they are, the people you've
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known for some time and have always been attracted to; business
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associates, people you've been curious about. A note of caution! Be
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careful. What happens if something serious develops? This could be
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difficult to explain to your steady. Perhaps the Too Close for
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Comforts are the unions that should take place, but think twice. If
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you hate each other someday, you might really be sorry you fulfilled
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your lustful desire.
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In closing: What can I say? Some of us will do anything after an elegant
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meal and a bottle of wine. The more we drink, the mellower we get. The more
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money a man spends, the more we extend our affections.
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Remember, excitement comes in many forms. We're nervous too. We would put
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out to all of you except there is a rumor going around that nice girls
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don't and if she does, she won't be respected.
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But who wants to be respected? You can't get an orgasm from respect. We want
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to fuck as much as you do, but it's up to you to convince each of us that
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you're a great lover and worth fucking.
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