108 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
_____________ ___________ ________ ________________
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/ /\/ _____ /\/ ___ \ / _____________/\
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/ ________/ / /\___/ / / /\__\ \ / /\____________\/
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/ /\_______\/ / / / / / / / / /\/ / / /______/\
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/ /_/_______/_/\ / / / / / /__/ / / / / //\_____\/
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/ ___________ | / / / / // __/ /__/ / / / /
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/ /\_______/ \/__/ / / / / \ \_\_\__\/___ / /_/______
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/_____/ / /__________/ /___/ / \____________//__________/\
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\_____\/ \__________\/\___\/ \___________\\__________\/
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p r e s e n t s
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H O W T O G E T L A I D O N T H E F I R S T D A T E
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Written by 808 STATE
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Uploaded - Raphael
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Edited - Raphael & 808 State
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One of the perpetual needs of the average male is sex, but sadly most women
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are reluctant to give in to this on the first date. This guide will tell
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you step by step, how to ensure that you get her into bed.
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THE DATE
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Take her to a restaurant, somewhere nice but cheap. I'd advice someplace
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close to home, because if all goes well, you will want to get her home as
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quickly as possible, before she escapes, err.. changes her mind.
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Dress for the occasion. Wear clothes that mask the real you, that being
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wear a suit, or something. You want to get her to believe that you are a
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gentlemen, as opposed to a sex crazed maniac, the latter being the real you.
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Take her flowers. Something so cheap, but such a powerful weapon. If you
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don't want to pay for some, steal them. Anyone can pull some flowers out
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of their nextdoor neighbour's yard.
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Preparation is the key to success, so before leaving, put the following in
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your car (just in case): A strong nylon rope, a balaclava, a sharp
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Wiltshire stay sharp filleting knife (preferably with a brown handle), a
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copy of "Solider of Fortune" magazine, and a walkman. It would also be a
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good idea to pack a large polythene bag as well, and maybe some bricks to
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match it.
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ON THE DATE
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Whilst on the date, you must be polite. Try and trick the bitch into
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believing that you are honest, kind, considerate of others, and a "new
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age" male. Get her believing this and you are half way there to getting the
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slag in the bag.
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Talk about things of culture, music, art, theatre. Don't talk about things
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like "The time you bit the head of your mother's budgie", "Or how you
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murdered a million tibetan monks, but we're excused because you were a
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freemason", or "How many men you killed in Vietnam". No, ladies don't like
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that sort of talk, despite the fact it is far more interesting. Tell them
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about how you are a fan of good music, and have a great record collection.
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Make sure you gear everything you say around their interests. If you find
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out that she is a fan of "The National Bulgarian Potplant Orchestra", tell
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her you have got all their albums at home, and maybe one day she could come
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over and have a look (at the records).
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Use humour, be funny and make her laugh. While she is laughing, you can
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order more drinks. The more intoxicated you get her, the better. Aim to
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have her vomiting bilious fluid by the end of the night and success is
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assured. Don't order beer, order expensive wines. Ladies like wine, and
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if you pour drinks at a 4:1 ratio, you should only be tipsy by the nights
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end.
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As the night progresses, slowly but steadily, start telling her how much
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you like her, and how much you have in common. Women love this sort of
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crap. Act like you mean it, and she will be putty in your sweaty hands.
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Don't go overboard though and start licking her feet, but pay her lots of
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subtle compliments.
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Towards the end of the night, tell how you would really like to see her
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again. By now, she should be totally pissed. If not, tell her anyway. It
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is now time to play the final card. Tell her that she is too pissed to
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drive, and so you'll take her home.
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Stop off at your house, and invite her inside for a coffee. Hopefully, she
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will accept, if not then it's time to get mean. Remember, fear and threats
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the greatest aphrodisiac. If she refuses, try and convince her with words.
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If words fail, lock the doors. Central locking is beaut for this. She will
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probably get scared and start screaming now. If not now, then she probably
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will when you begin to rape her. Take the nylon rope and tie her neck to the
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headrest. Do it tightly in a slipknot, so that the more she moves, the more
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she'll choke. Rip off her dress, and taking the knife in one hand hold it
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to her. Then get on top of her, and rape her. You should be able to take
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it from here.
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Once you're done and you've told her how good she was. Give a kiss, and
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tell her how much you'd like to see her, and maybe even her family, again.
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Then take the knife and kill her. Put her body in the bag and dump it
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somewhere, a good place being in X-Club, the nightclub in King Street
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Melbourne, because no-one ever goes there.
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If she decides to come into your home, you have won. Shut the door behind
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her, then take out the knife. It is your house, and you are a male, so it
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should be no problem to bash the fuck out of the bitch and then rape her.
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Aim to knock her unconscious, but not into a coma. In case you didn't know,
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a woman's cunt tenses up in a coma, and thus entry may be difficult.
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Once done, discard of her. A dead bitch is environmentally friendly, so
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have no hesitation in burying her someplace. Your backyard? Why not.
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