textfiles/rpg/hygiene1996.txt

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              THE (MORE OR LESS) COMPLETE GUIDE TO HYGIENE

                     FOR FANTASY ROLE PLAYING GAMES


                 Even from the body's purity, the mind
                 Receives a secret, sympathetic aid.

                                             --- Thomson

                 Let thy mind's sweetness have its operation
                 upon thy body, clothes, and habitation.

                                             --- Herbert


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                           COPYRIGHT (C) 1996

     All trademarks of products, company names, logos, phrases, service
names, and/or slogans are trademarks of the respective companies,
artists, and/or individuals, where applicable.

     The following guide is the property of its author, who hereby
states that he retains the copyright except for where noted.  You may
distribute it at will, provided that nothing in the guide, this notice,
or any of the credits are altered in any way; and that you do not make
a profit from it.

     This document is not for sale and is made available for private
game use only.

                           *** DISCLAIMER ***

     All contents of this guide are presented for game purposes only.
Advice oriented information is not to be taken as legal consultation or
legal service, but as suggestions and examples of real-world or
hypothetical models. Always consult a lawyer for legal and lawful
guidance. The opinions and views contained in this guide reflect those
of the individual authors. The opinions, content, and organization of
this document are in no way connected with the faculty and staff of any
educational institute where this guide was found.

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                           TABLE OF CONTENTS


When Do Adventurers Go To The Bathroom?
Dirty Adventueres Aren't Lucky
Paladins And Cleanliness
The Dentist & Teeth: Smile When You Say That?
Spells
Clerics And Waste
State-Of-The-Art Waste Disposal
A Monster That Keeps The House Clean
Magic-Items
Even A Mage Does Laundry
Story Bbook Theater
Special Thanks












                                                       UPDATE: 01/01/96
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                WHEN DO ADVENTURERS GO TO THE BATHROOM?


     There are two forms of waste to consider with regard to standard
beings (i.e. humans, dwarves, elves, halflings, gnomes, etc.). These
forms are liquid and solid. When a person must excrete waste is depend
on Constitution and sex. Multiple the person's Constitution to the
multiplier from Table 1 to get the number of hours apart the person
goes to the bathroom.
     This rule assumes that the person is consuming a normal quantity
of food and drink. A dehydrated person or staving person will not be
producing waste as quickly. Furthermore, a person eating and drinking a
lot may go twice as much. Therefore, the GM should make appropriate
adjustments.
     A person may wish to go to the bathroom at a certain time. To do
this, a normal Constitution check is made. Females get a +1 modifier.
This check can be made once every three turn.
     Alternatively, a person may wish to postpone going to the
bathroom. To do this a normal Constitution check is made. Males get a
+1 modifier. This check can be made once every three turn. Of course,
there is some discomfort in this state and the character suffers the
following: -1 to hit, -1 Dexterity, -1 Strength, -2 on all saves.


Table 1: Multiplier

          Males     Females
Liquid    x .5       x .25
Solid     x .1       x .5


     Due to many hands-on experience of women, it was decided that
females usually go to the bathroom twice as much as males. For those
that disapprove of this, they can adjust the rules accordingly.

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                     DIRTY ADVENTURERS AREN'T LUCKY


     Sure adventurers are great heroes that trek through the lands
facing great challenges in monsters, dungeons, and deities. But
adventuring is a dirty job, and few tough adventurers have the desire
to bath on a regular basis. In fact, many wear the same yechy clothes
day after day. But does this have an effect on there adventures?
     For each day after the 1st day an adventurer goes unbathed, he/she
suffers the following cumulative effects:

     -2 comeliness

     -1 to charisma

     all creatures get +5% tracking bonus when searching for adventurer

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                        PALADINS AND CLEANLINESS


     Some GMs may allow paladins to have some special abilities with
regard to cleanliness. Below is a list of abilities. The GM may allow
the paladin to have only one ability OR allow the paladin to gain an
ability every 3 levels (one at 3rd level, one at 6th level, etc.).

Abilities:

     Paladin has an anti-dirt aura.

     Paladin gives off a natural flowery scent.

     Paladin does not need to "go" at all. Once a year, the paladin
     must make a system shock or explode from the boughs for 1d20
     points of damage.

     Paladin urinates pure holy water.

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                          THE DENTIST & TEETH:

                        SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT?


     When a character reaches the young-adult age, he will have 30
teeth, and must check every year (10% accumulative) to grow the wisdom
teeth. When growing the new teeth, the character will have -1 "to hit"
due to pain for 2 weeks.
     Also, a character must check every month (5% accumulative) for
lost 1d4-1 teeth because of tooth-decay, being hit in the face to
often, etc.. The following constitution and racial modifiers apply:


TABLE: Constitution Modifiers

Constitution   Modifier (*)
   03            +3
 04-05           +2
 06-08           +1
 09-12            0
 13-15           -1
 16-17           -2
   18            -3


TABLE: Racial Modifiers

Race           Modifiers (*)
Elf              -3
Half-Elf         -2
Dwarf            -2
Halfling         -1
Gnome            -1
Human             0
Half-orc         +1
Half-ogre        +2
Orc              +2
Goblin           +3
Ogre             +4      except canines (-1)
Troll            +8      doesn't care, teeth will grow back


TABLE: Possible Living Conditions Modifiers

Condition      Modifier
clean            -2
brushes          -2
fibrous food     -1
heavy combat     +1
infected tooth   +2
tropics          +1
drinks a lot     +1
tongue pierced   +1
goopy food       +2
dirty            +2

(*) also accumulative.


     If a check fails, the toothache will begin and the character will
have -2 to hit until the tooth/teeth has/have been extracted, otherwise
the tooth/teeth will fall in 1d4 weeks.
     If the GM wishes, he have bad teeth effect a character's charisma.
-1 on charisma for every 10 teeth lost. -1 on comeliness for every 5
teeth lost. 01% accumulative chance of spell failure per teeth lost (up
to a maximum of 32%, of course).
     Unlike the real-world, the job of the dentist is performed by the
shaver (yes... the shaver). With the shaver being in charge of
dentistry, no wonder the population had bad teeth if any at all. A
shaver will only extract teeth, and does not handle dental care.
     Paladins will always have beauty and shinning teeth. Paladins
never make checks. On the other hand, barbarians must make twice as
many checks.
     Bards don't gain immunity like paladins because they aren't
magical in nature. Bards make checks like any other class. Bards do
have spells so the can possible enhance their smile this way (see
below).


Effects of Magic

     All Cure Wounds will only kill the pain for 1d4 days. Cure Disease
and Heal will cure the teeth/tooth, but previous lost teeth will not be
recovered. Regenerate will cure and restore all teeth.

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                                 SPELLS


LEVEL 1
Illusionary Teeth

LEVEL 2
Bud

LEVEL 3
Smash Teeth

LEVEL 4
Create Tooth



Illusionary Teeth (Illusion) Reversible

Level: 1
Range: 10 feet per level
Duration: 2 hours per level
Area of Effect: One mouth
Save: Negates

     This spell creates the illusion of a mouth full of healthy teeth.
The illusion is visual only, a toothless hag cannot click her teeth
together with this spell.
    The reverse of this spell, Lost Teeth, creates the illusion that
the recipient has many diseased and disgusting teeth, bleeding gums,
and many missing teeth. The victim's Charisma is reduced by one point,
and Comeliness (if used) drops by four points. A save vs. spells will
prevent this spell from taking effect.


Bud (Necromancy)

Level: 2
Range: 10 feet per level
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One tooth
Save: None

     Bud creates a new tooth bud under the gum of a willing creature. A
new, healthy tooth will grow from the tooth bud, but will inflict the
same penalties as a wisdom tooth while it does so. ("No pain, no
gain.")


Smash Teeth (Invocation)

Level: 3
Range: 15 feet per level
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One person
Save: Negates

     This spell allows a mage to knock out the teeth of a creature. If
the subject fails a save vs. spells, the subject has one tooth per
caster level knocked out with great force (and great pain). A
successful save means no teeth were lost.
     The material component is any heavy blunt object (a staff, mace,
brass knuckles, etc), and the somatic component is swinging the object.


Create Tooth (Necromancy)

Level: 4
Range 10 feet per level
Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One tooth
Save: None

     Create Tooth instantly creates a new tooth, in the place of a
missing one. The tooth grows back instantly, without pain.
     The material component is either a tooth from a member of the same
race, or a tooth made out of gold or pearl.

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                           CLERICS AND WASTE


     Some clerics may cast Purify Food & Drink on waste. Well, this
spell can be cast on solid and liquid waste. If a character wants to
eat or drink this cleansed waste, then he/she must make a system shock
or vomit. No further attempts can be made to eat or drink it again.

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                    STATE-OF-THE-ART WASTE DISPOSAL


     "Yeah, waste disposal is my specialty. It's been my life for over
40 years. I've worked my way up from a young sewer cleaner to Master
Guildsman of The Sewers Union. I've seen just about everything with
regards to waste disposal. Some of it's fascinating, some of its
disgusting, but all of it serves a purpose: To Keep Our City Clean.
     A mark of a thoughtful architect is an adequate waste system. An
old saying in the Builders' Guild is 'Sure its nice on the outside, but
where do ya shit?'
     I've been in cities where there wasn't much of anything. People
would throw there waste into the street gutters and wait until the rain
washes it away. This form of waste disposal (if you can call it that)
is very primitive. Besides being gross, it is extremely dangerous.
Cities with poor waste disposal facilities end up with sickness,
illness, and plaques.
     Most cities have the standard sewer system of pipes, drains, and
cisterns where water flows through carrying waste to far away streams
and rivers. Unfortunately, this pollutes the waterways. Fortunate
cities have underground waterways where they can dump their load. The
only creatures that could be affected are the dreaded underworld
monsters (but who cares).
     I've seen a plumbing system used by elves in which a waterfall was
routed into a castle. Then the water goes through a magic water
purifier. Those elves are rich with magic.
     There is one lawful good city in which clerics purify the waste
before it is departed into open waterways. Supposedly, this works well
and is better than nothing, but I'm sure its expensive (monetary and
religiously).
     I once entered a town which was utterly filthy. It consisted
basically of one main street in which all rubbish and refuse was dumped
in the street... it stunk. A resident high level wizard got absolutely
fed up with it all one day, and designed, with the help of clerics with
create water spells and permanency spells 6 huge containers of water at
the top end of town. Early every morning, after the waste had been
thrown on the street, the containers would magically release their
water, causing a gigantic wave flowing down the street, cleaning it,
and carrying it out of the city and splashing into the nearby river. A
few lives were lost at first, but it soon just became routine.
     Speaking of nutty mages, one small village had this neat freak,
high level mage who believed his sole purpose in life was to
disintegrate garbage. He of course charged a fee to the city village
for his services, but it still was a interesting sanitation business (I
believe the name was "Waste Away").
     Some cities access great magical power and have there waste
deported through gates to the elemental planes of water, air, or fire.
The only problem is that an occasional unhappy visitor from an
elemental plane will come out of the gate to reek havoc.
     For personal waste systems, the norm is a latrine (hole in the
ground) that connects to the nearest sewer system. Latrines can be
found inside or outside; the latter being preferred because of the
smell. Some houses prefer chamber pots that can be used indiscreetly
inside and then dumped into the sewers. The best chamber pots are found
in the rich metropolitan areas. They actually teleport their acquired
waste products to the local sewers where it can be taken care of by
some lower class workers. The really expensive chamber pots have a
permanent disintegrate spell in it that disposes of waste properly.
     Many nasty things feed off of waste. Some brilliant people
cultivate the growth of these creatures as a means of waste disposal.
The use of oozes, slimes, and jellies is one of the most popular forms
of waste disposal; especially with the rich. Ochre jelly isn't very
popular because it has the ability to travel on walls and ceilings.
Ochre jelly is usually used in large subterranean areas where few
people move and total annihilation of everything everywhere is desired.
Gray ooze is more popular with toilets because it cannot climb walls
and give a user an unpleasant surprise. Care must be taken with gray
ooze because it tends to reproduce and gray ooze toilets must keep the
ooze at a safe level. Crystal ooze is more popular then gray ooze
because of its clear and thus "cleaner looking" color. Crystal ooze is
also home in water which allows the toilets to have a cleaner nature to
them.  However, the same precautions taken with gray ooze reproduction
are necessary with crystal ooze. Green slime is the least popular due
to its fast growth and dangerous being.
     A gelatinous cube is by far the most sheik waste disposal. Its
square shape is preferred over other jellies and oozes since the square
shape does not allow it to slither into other areas in which it is not
desired. A gelatinous cube is usually placed in a hole and kept from
moving while drains empty all waste onto it. Some places allow the cube
to roam in corridors beneath the dwelling where it can gather waste.
Even some communities have employed a cube to roam the sewer systems.
     Puddings are another interesting form of waste disposal. They are
more destructive than oozes, slimes, and jellies but they can live
easier in harsh climates. Thus, there value for waste disposal is
there.
     Many spells are useful in waste manipulation. Fire based spells
will break down waste, but will create terrible air pollution. Some
spells can turn the waste to stone, thereby giving a valuable natural
resource.
     Some waste disposal systems aren't what they seem to be. A few
times, I've come across a water weird hiding in the water. Plumbing
sure ain't what it used to be. However, I've come across valuable stuff
too. Toilets make excellent hiding places for treasure (kept in a
water-tight container). Whose going to search a toilet?
     Well, I hope you better understand waste disposal. I gotta go back
down to the underworld of THE SEWERS. See ya!"

                                             --- Miren Tihsecaf

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                  A MONSTER THAT KEEPS THE HOUSE CLEAN


Scrubble (Scrubbing) Bubbles

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any
FREQUENCY: Rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Any
INTELLIGENCE: Non- (0)
TREASURE: Nil
ALIGNMENT: Nil
NO. APPEARING: 1 (1-4)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (what'd ya think bubbles would be)
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 5
THAC0: 10
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: S-L (3'-8')
MORALE: Special
XP VALUE: 500

     Scrubble bubbles were created by a wizard who wanted to keep his
dungeon clean, but didn't want to work at it. Scrubble bubbles are
composed of groups of cell colonies that scurry around getting rid of
dirt and grime. They have the ability to analyze material structure
from a distance of up to 60 feet to determine if something is dirty.
They attack filth on sight, so weary adventurers better watch out.
     Scrubble Bubbles are immune to acid, cold, and poison. Lightening
bolts and blows from weapons divide them into smaller groups of
bubbles, each able to attack exactly as the original. Fire causes
double damage, as do magic missiles. They can be dissuaded with large
volumes of water.
     Scrubble bubbles can roam through cracks that are at least one
inch wide and can travel on ceilings and walls at the same speed as on
a level surface.

Combat: Scrubble Bubbles are more an annoyance than anything else, but
they can be painful. Upon encountering a creature like an adventurer,
Scrubble Bubbles will seep in though armor and CLEAN! The sensation is
not unlike being attacked with a million stiff toothbrushes that
inflicts the 1d4 points of abrasive damage.
     Scrubble Bubbles may also secrete a mild acid to get rid of tough
stains. If they use it on a living being, the creature will suffer 2d4
points of damage.

Habit/Society: They are usually found in closed passageways and rooms,
and roam about dungeons cleaning walls, floors, and furniture.

Ecology: They reproduce by fission. They adapted to live in a wide
variety of climates. Scrubble Bubbles starting with 11-30% of maximum
possible hit points are 3 feet to 4 feet in diameter; with 31-50% of
full hit points are 5 feet wide; with 51-70% of full hit points, 6 feet
wide; with 71-90% of full hit points, 7 feet wide; with 91-100% of full
hit points, 8 feet wide. If Scrubble Bubbles are split up so it becomes
less than 3 feet wide, it becomes thinner but retains its 3-foot
diameter.
     The only things Scrubble bubbles consume are water and soap.

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                              MAGIC-ITEMS


Breeches of the Wu Pi - These breeches appear as ordinary, drab,
everyday breeches. They are usually brown. However, they radiate a
faint magic dweomer. If an adventurer puts these on, nothing
immediately happens. If the wearer sits down, however, the breeches
erupt with a loud raspberry sound that continues for a full round. Any
person within a 10' radius of the sitting wearer (including the wearer)
will be struck with the urge to snigger, then laugh, then guffaw
exactly as if the spell Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter had
been cast. The breeches may be not be removed except with a Remove
Curse spell. Lacing may be done and undone normally to allow for bodily
functions.

Gel of Polishing - This gel comes in two forms: magical and non-
magical. The magical gel cures all damaged teeth, and prevents tooth
loss for one month, for each use. Deliberate extraction is not
prevented by the gel. Each vial contains 2d4 applications. Only one
application need be used each month.
     The non-magical version improves the character's chances of
keeping his/her teeth by 5% per check. One application must be used
every other day for the beneficial effects to take place. The cost per
vial is 30 gold pieces for 10 applications.

Jawbreaker - This cursed item tends to resemble any sweet item, like
cookies, pastries, but the most common form is some type of candy. When
chewed on, the Jawbreaker causes 1d6+1 teeth to be cracked, causing
double the amount of pain (double all penalties) until they are
extracted or fall out. The damaged teeth cannot be healed, but may be
regrown. Once the teeth are cracked, the Jawbreaker loses all magic,
and tastes like rancid meat.

Parchment of Mail-order Catalog - This is a rolled up piece of
parchment with obscure writing and (mayhem) pictures. Intended to be
used like toilet paper, this paper is covered with undecipherable
writings, and has the consistency of modern sandpaper (or what passes
for toilet paper at certain colleges). The person who uses it in the
normal way (and on himself) suffers 1 hp of damage and until it is
healed, must save vs. spells every time he sits down and every round
while sitting, or s/he will stand up. Using it on a non-willing subject
who is not tied down or an infant requires a to-hit roll at -10 (or
worse if the target is wearing armor), and anyone seeing you try this
will think you're a pervert.

Pearly Whites - Under casual inspection, these appear to be nothing
more than normal pearls, but perfectly spherical. If kept in contact
with exposed flesh for more than two rounds, or if they come in contact
with any kind of food or drink (excluding water), the pearls will
change into the crowns of teeth. If chewed on, the Pearly Whites will
replace one tooth per pearl. New teeth can be lost through normal
means. There will be 1d8+1 Pearly Whites found at any one time.

Scabbard of Godliness (sounds better than cleanliness) - A paladin was
fanatical about cleanliness (it's next to godliness you know) and hated
the mess that was made and the hassle he had to go through when
cleaning his blade after a particularly nasty battle. So he
commissioned a mage to create this.
     This is a scabbard which was constructed for a long sword. It is
more or less unremarkable, as most scabbards are, but will radiate
faint magic if detected. The scabbards power is this - any sword which
is sheathed within it comes out absolutely clean, shiny and spotless.
The scabbard magically removes blood, dirt, rust and any other muck.
     No doubt some players will think this would be great way to clean
up hundreds of years old weapons, which are rusted, pitted, etc.. But
remember, that the scabbard REMOVES the muck, so the rust is removed,
which may, in may cases, take away the only thing that was holding the
blade together.

Toilet of the Gods - A commode for the rich and famous. The most
stupendous commode you will ever encounter. Belongs only to the rich
and powerful, very immobile. First off, it has working plumbing. Also,
a full wet bar, a magazine rack with every periodical from the plane it
rests in, heavenly music filling the air, air freshener, and an
infinite amount of silken toilet paper. All solid waste matter turns to
gold when it hits the water, but retains texture and smell. Urine
changes color and smell to that of expensive wine.

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                        EVEN A MAGE DOES LAUNDRY


     Here is the laundry list of cantrips, of the most mysterious and
powerful secret magical college known as the Most Righteous Ceremony of
the Grand Lodge of Thirteen Stars and Kal-Gon's Scrubbing Bubbles Too
III, known (by those who dare) as the August College of Laundry Magics.
     These cantrips are somewhat dangerous if used as an offensive
weapon so GMs should be careful in giving them out. Remember there from
a powerful college of magic.
     There are two places that must be known before looking over the
cantrips. They are:

     Planar Gate to Dimension of Other Socks -- Little is known of this
dimension. Access to it is one of the most ardently desired prizes for
magical researchers, and while gates to this dimension have, on a few
occasions, opened spontaneously, little was learned except for the
absolute requirement for the traveler to this dimension to shield his
nose from the vile odor of a universe filled with moldy, unwashed Other
Socks, stiff with perspiration and toe-jam.

     Planar Gate to Dimension of Wire Hangers -- little is known of
this dimension. It *must* be extremely unpleasant judging from the
quantity of wire hangers which flee to our dimension from it.


                                Cantrips

Ancient Chinese Secret -- The veil of mystery which cloaks this cantrip
of legendary, godlike power from modern research has only parted enough
to reveal to magical historians the single magical word, "Kal-Gon",
which adorns the official secret name of this most mysterious of
magical orders. What does it mean?

Banish Other Sock -- Note: There are two sorts of socks, the Self Sock,
and the Other Sock. The difference is a mysterious one, but real
nonetheless. The Self Sock, A.K.A. Sock, is native to our universe, and
the Other Sock native to an Other universe. This cantrip known as
Banish Other Sock sends Other Socks back to the dimension from which
they came. It is believed that an awesome magical fumble in the misty
depths of ancient prehistory caused this mighty Curse to be cast
permanently upon our entire universe. Luckily, the spell has decayed
enough so that it does not always take effect immediately when one
obtains an Other Sock.  Still, the inevitable nature of this Great
Curse is beyond doubt.

Banish Wire Hanger -- This cantrip sends wire hangers back to the
dimension from which they came.

Bleach -- This cantrip covers laundry with a mild (not really) alkaline
solution which leaves it looking really white and clean, no matter what
color it started out. Any unfortunate person  wearing the laundry when
the spell takes effect will be similarly affected, with hair, skin, and
teeth turned as white as the pillsbury (tm) dough boy (tm), and eyes
and mucous membranes irritated to pink tenderness by the bleach, to the
tune of 1d6 noxious chemical (acid) damage.

Dry Clean -- This cantrip presses fine clothes and steams them with a
noxious chemical. Any schnook so unfortunate as to be wearing the
laundry when this happens takes 2d6 damage from being stamped flat by
an industrial strength mousetrap and save vs. poison or take an
additional 3d6 damage from the poisonous, noxious chemicals.

Hang Dry -- This cantrip snaps clothes dry and hangs them on a steel
core wire, securing them with hat pins and five pound alligator clips.
Any unfortunate so unlucky as to be wearing the affected laundry takes
2d6 from strangulation on the wire and 1d6 from being clamped and
pinned.

Launder -- This cantrip soaps, soaks, scrubs and spins clothes. Anyone
so unfortunate as to be wearing the affected laundry takes 1d6 damage
from abrasion and irritating detergents and is dizzy and nauseated for
20 - constitution rounds.

Press and Fold -- This cantrip presses and folds all clothing in the
area of effect. Any poor, unlucky slob caught within the targeted
laundry takes 4d6 damage from being smashed flat, scorched, and folded.

Remove Tough Stain (A.K.A. Shout it Out!) -- This cantrip drenches
laundry in detergent, scrubbing it with brushes and lava soap, then
covers with another layer of detergent and sprays it with a high
pressure stream of ice-cold water. Any unfortunate caught in the
laundry will take 2d6 damage from the irritating detergent and frigid
ice-water, will be left soaking wet, and make a Constitution check - 4
or catch the grippe.

Sort by Color -- This cantrip gathers laundry and sorts it into piles,
one pile for light clothes, one pile for brightly colored clothes, and
one pile for dark clothes. Anybody so unfortunate as to be wearing the
laundry at the time will be stripped and placed in the appropriate
color pile (colors if embarrassed, because he would be red).

Sort Socks -- This cantrip piles socks into two piles, one for Socks,
and one for Other Socks. In our universe, cursed by the vile curse of
Other Sock Banishment, the pile of Other Socks has a 75% chance of
being banished en masse. Any unfortunate caught wearing socks in the
area of effect will be stripped of one sock and left with another one.
There is a 50% chance that the Other Sock will be stripped from his
feet and a 50% chance that it is the sock that remains upon him. If
anyone should be so unlucky as to be wearing his Other Sock when it is
banished as a result of this spell, he will be sent to the Dimension of
Other Socks, there to die a most horrible death by asphyxiation and/or
poisoning (save vs poison, if you fail you die, if you save you fall
into a coma until rescued).

Starch -- This cantrip covers laundry with a noxious chemical solution,
and pounds it with 16 ton weights, leaving it flat and stiff as a steel
plate. Any unlucky stiff so misfortune as to be wearing the laundry
will take 4d6 damage from being crushed by large, heavy objects, and
will be left unable to move because of joint-lock and overall
stiffness.

Summon Other Sock -- This cantrip summons the matching Other Sock to a
Sock from the dimension in which Other Socks reside. Anyone currently
wearing the summoned Other Sock will also be summoned as a side effect
of this powerful ritual.

Summon Wire Hanger -- This cantrip summons a wire hanger from the
terrible dimension in which they dwell. A backfire with this spell,
similar to the Great Curse of Banishment of the Other Sock, is believed
to be the second Great Curse of our universe.

Take Out the Laundry -- Upon completion of this short ritual several
skinny demonic figures materialize and stuff all the laundry in the
area of effect into large canvas laundry bags. They then give the
master one ticket per bag and require a payment of three "bucks" per
bag (successful bargaining will bring this down to two and a half
"bucks" per bag). Any poor slobs caught in the area of effect are
stuffed into bags, one person per bag, taking 1d6 of pummeling damage,
and must roll versus constitution or fall unconscious from the lack of
air. They will wake up later in the local hospital unable to remember
"wha'appen'?"

Tumble Dry -- This cantrip spins clothes while slapping them against
large, flat stones and blasting them with air as hot as a steel
furnace. Furs and other fine clothing will be ruined by this treatment,
as will anyone still wearing the affected clothes, who takes 2d6 damage
from the intense heat and large, flat stones.

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                           STORY BOOK THEATER


     I have a character who is an elven swanmay. Because she moves
faster than the rest of the party when in swan form, she was the first
to reach an evil cleric who was attempting to resurrect a dead dragon.
He was painting holy symbols on the skull. Desperate to disrupt the
casting as quickly as possible without getting too close, I told the GM
that Sasha would fly over the skull and pee on it to ruin the paint
(Gross, but it was the fastest thing I could think of and our GM
doesn't allow debates).

                                             --- Randi at I.U.

     Cleanliness was a really big thing with one group I played in many
years ago. This was just a minor quirk of that particular party until
one gaming session when a thunderstorm started. Quickly thinking, we
decided this was a great opportunity to clean up - we'd been out for
several weeks and hadn't had a good bath for a while. So off went the
duds (we were an all female group - actually all females playing too!)
and we commenced cleaning. We took our time, so the GM rolled for a
random encounter. Whoa! A half-dozen bore beetles! Boy were we trashed!
We all survived, but we were certainly more careful and when and where
we took our showers!

                                             --- Vicki <Morgaine>

     The only time I've ever come across a toilet in an adventure was
in an Ogre chief's castle. It consisted of a wooden bench placed upon
the edge of a deep pit, at the bottom of which was a green slime which
absorbed the waste.
     However, this was in reality a trap. The Chief had a trusted guard
hidden in a secret closet opposite the seat. If anyone crossed the
Chief then he would tell the guard. Then when that person next used the
device the guard would pull a lever, the bench would hinge back and
slam into the pit wall pitching the poor unfortunate victim 60 ft. down
into the pit as fodder for the green slime.
 If the victim managed to hang on to the bench somehow then the guard
would venture out and clobber them until he fell. The Chief's shaman
kept the slime at bay with the occasional fireball or two to keep it
nice and small.

                                             --- Steve, Darkheart

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                             SPECIAL THANKS


Morgan Blackheart the Chaotic for his Breeches of the Wu Pi.

Gordon Burditt for his Parchment of Mail-order Catalog.

Joe Delisle for his items: Gel of Polishing, Pearly Whites, Jawbreaker.
Also, the dentist spells in the spell section.

Sethan Dreagothe for his dentist modifiers.

Carlos Fernando for the section entitled "The Dentist & Teeth: Smile
When You Say That?"

High Imperceptor Tyrus Hellbane for a small edition to the fictional
story about waste disposal.

Loren Miller for the laundry section.

Elf Sternberg for his Elf's GameBook from which I took the idea of
Scrubbing Bubbles and modified into my own 2nd edition monster.

Brian Palmer for his Toilet of the Gods.

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