200 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
200 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
From: Ammond Shadowcraft
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To: All Msg #18, 10-Dec-89 20:52edt
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Subject: Test Those Christians
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TEST THOSE CHRISTIANS:
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A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian.
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The Event
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There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption occurred.
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"Hi, are you Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do for you?" "I'm
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Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a couple minutes of your time." Being the nice guy
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that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It seems Hezikah is a Born Again
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Christian with a mission from God. He told me how he believed that Jesus was
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his personal Lord and Savior, how his life had been changed for the better,
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how he spoke in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The rumor in the
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office is that you're a witch." "It's true," I answered. "How can that be," he
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retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going to hell." And off we went...
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The Question
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So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy
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people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these people everywhere.
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You just can't get away from them. They are in the office, swinging through
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the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the beach and parading in
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that crowded john. Just when you get home for a private, intimate interlude
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with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian.
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What the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude
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on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I
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presume that like me you are a non-believer too we can have a little fun.
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Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's
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clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15
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and "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or,
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Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false prophets
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and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible,
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even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24
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John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits,
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whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the
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world." 1st John 4:1
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There are many different types of Christian you know. And they all
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claim to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which?
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After all we want the real thing, a True Christian, not a demon from hell
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disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do. We
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want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the
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disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a
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little help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see these
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Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they can't deviate from
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the model too much and hope to get to the heavenly entertainment park. Jesus,
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their role model has stated...
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"Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says
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to me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me
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in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by your name and by your name cast
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out demons, and by your name do many mighty works? And I will profess to them,
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I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil." Matt 7:22-23
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So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will
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make it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven.
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True Christians tell me that only 10 percent of those who claim to be True
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Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It seems they
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are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000
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condos-in-paradise. Now God knows how much real estate He has and how much it
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costs. Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some. Otherwise
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garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution covers the crystal
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walls and the sewers back up. Yech!
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As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they
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look serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they own property?
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Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't want the testee to
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suspect our motives.
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Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation
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starts let the testee know just where you stand. You don't want to be duped.
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You want to talk to a true Christian. None other than a true Christian will
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do.
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Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do
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they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them
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how much they love Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do
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they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness, etc. of the
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Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23?
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Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this
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we won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do they
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believe that it is the Word of God? Is it infallible? Is the Bible as
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appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer is yes,
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even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order.
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The Money Test
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Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral
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absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first performance test that we
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can enjoy.
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"Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy
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goods ask not again." Luke 6:30
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"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee
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turn not thou away." Matt. 5:42
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Luke 6:35 sums it all up...
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"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing;
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and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he
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is kind toward the unthankful and evil."
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True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should
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give them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and
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personal events. In your next testing session, when you hear the True
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Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon which they stand, go for
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the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run benefit
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the True Christian.
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Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them
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show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want their
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credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no money, ask for an article
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of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys? Do they have a big
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cross with them? Ask for it.
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When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask
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again. Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's exactly what
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they are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness. They aren't a True
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Christian.
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Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on
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their back and the cross too, we get to have more fun...
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The Swill Test
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Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their
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obsessive traits is to compare their past performance with the actions of
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those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord? Do they follow Jesus
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closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start with the
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serious tests.
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In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the
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commandments to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast
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out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status as a True Christian.
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Again let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will be
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allowed.
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"And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they
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shall cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up
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serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall in no wise hurt them;
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they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16:17-18
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On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the
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bag. Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues?
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Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed?
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If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It
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should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high
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heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in
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storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from
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sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can
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pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our
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unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou
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shalt not test God" respond by saying that
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you are testing them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they
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don't chug-the-jug you can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a
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fraud. Send them away.
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A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink
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is toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they drink the potion
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they take the test of their own free will.
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Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late
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addition' not found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you
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previously that the Bible is the word of God and is infallible. What happened?
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Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian; they are
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frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs.
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Conclusion
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As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True
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Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible.
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Now being a Christian is ok. But being a Bibliolater is a form of mental
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illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their problem when
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they interrupt your day.
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I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are
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the most exciting. Please feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes
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and performance tests. You may find some that are just a much fun as these.
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Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft
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Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article
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providing the article is complete, and with the author's name and copyright
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notice fully intact.
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---
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* Origin: SMARTNet - Silly Origin Lines 'R' Us (Opus 1:128/23)
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