textfiles/occult/kons.fun

				  **

  A young and studious monk went his teacher and said, "Teach me all about the
Buddha nature." His teacher pushed him on the ground.  The next day the student
returned to his teacher, saying, "I am wiser today than yesterday.  Teach me
about the Buddha nature." The teacher clobbered him again.

  This went on for days until finally the young student could stand it no more.
He tearfully left the monastery and went back to his temple at home.  There he
told the chief monk what had happened.	The chief monk said, "You are really
stupid!  That monk was kinder to you than a grandmother!"

  The young student went back to the monastery, and found his teacher.	He threw
the teacher on the ground.  His teacher got up and said, "Now I will teach you
about the Buddha nature."

				  **

  One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net!  How will it
live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."

				  **

  A monk said to Joshu, "Your stone bridge is widely renowned, but coming here I
find only a heap of rocks."

  Joshu said, "You see only the stones and not the bridge."

  The monk said, "What is the bridge?"

  Joshu said, "What do you think we are walking on?"

				    **

  Some professors asked a monk to lecture to them on spiritual matters.  The
monk ascended a podium, struck it once with his stick, and descended.  The
academics were dumb-founded.  The monk asked them, "Do you understand what I
have told you?" One professor said, "I do not understand."

	The monk said, "I have concluded my lecture."

				     **

  A student said to the chief monk, "Help me to pacify my mind!"
  The chief monk said, "Bring your mind over here and I will pacify it."
  The student said, "But I don't know where my mind is!"
  The monk replied, "Then I have already pacified it."

				      **

  A monk said to Joshu, "I have just entered this monastery.  Please teach me."
  "Have you eaten your breakfast?" Joshu asked.
  "Yes, I have," replied the student.
  "Then you had better wash your bowl."

				      **

  A monk asked Nansen, "Is there any great spiritual teaching that has not been
preached to the people?"

	Nansen said, "There is."
	"What is the truth that has not been taught?"
	"Nothing," Nansen replied.

				     **

  A young monk asked his teacher, "What is the true spiritual nature of life?"
  His teacher picked up a bowl of water and threw it in the student's face,
saying "Go wash out your mouth!"

				     **

  If you meet a person on the path, do not greet him with words or silence.
  How will you greet him?

				     **

  A monk, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people, "If you call this a stick,
you fall into the trap of words, but if you do not call it a stick, you
contradict facts.  So what do you call it?"

  At that time a monk in the assembly came forth.  He snatched the stick, broke
it in two, and threw the pieces across the room.

				     **

  A monk sat with his three students.  He took out his fan and placed it in
front of him, saying, "Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is."

  The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket." The master poked him
with his stick.

  The second picked up the fan and fanned himself.  He too was rewarded with the
stick.

  The third opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it, and served it to his
teacher.  The teacher said, "Eat your cake."

				      **

  The chief monk at the monastery was looking for someone to replace him.  He
called the monks together and placed in front of them a water bottle.  He said,
"Without calling this a water bottle, tell me what it is."

  One monk said, "You couldn't call it a block of wood."

  Another poured himself a drink.

  Just then the cook walked into the room and kicked the water bottle over.  The
cook was made head of the monastery.

				       **

  Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream.  One said to the other, "I
wish I were a fish.  They are so happy." The other replied, "How do you know
whether fish are happy or not?	You're not a fish." The first said, "But you're
not me, so how do you know whether or not I know how fish feel?"

					 **

  The student Doko came to a Zen master, and said, "I am seeking the truth.  In
what state of mind should I train myself, so as to find it?"

  Said the master, "There is no mind, so you cannot put it in any state.  There
is no truth, so you cannot train yourself for it."

  "If there is no mind to train, and no truth to find, why do you have these
monks gather before you every day to study Zen and train themselves for this
study?"

  "But I haven't an inch of room here," said the master, "so how could the monks
gather?  I have no tongue, so how could I call them together or teach them?"

  "Oh, how can you talk like this?" said Doko.

  "But if I have no tongue to talk to others, how can I lie to you?"

  Then Doko said sadly, "I cannot follow you.  I cannot understand you."

  "I cannot understand myself," said the master.

				       **

  Joshu asked the teacher Nansen, "What is the True Way?"

  Nansen answered, "Every way is the true Way."

  Joshu asked, "Can I study it?"

  Nansen answered, "The more you study, the further from the Way."

  Joshu asked, "If I don't study it, how can I know it?"

  Nansen answered, "The Way does not belong to things seen:  nor to things
unseen.  It does not belong to things known:  nor to things unknown.  Do not
seek it, study it, or name it.	To find yourself on it, open yourself as wide as
the sky."

					**

  A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
  "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
  "Why do I not see it for myself?"
  "Because you are thinking of yourself."
  "What about you: do you see it?"
  "So long as you see double, saying 'I don't,' and 'you do,' and so on, your
   eyes are clouded," said the master.
  "When there is neither 'I' nor 'you,' can one see it?"
  "When there is neither 'I' nor 'you,' who is the one that wants to see it?"

					**

	Has a dog a Buddha-nature?
	This is the most serious question of all.
	If you say 'yes' or 'no'
	You lose your own Buddha-nature.

					 **

  Two monks went fishing in an electron river.	The first monk drew out his
network, and out flopped a hacker.  The second monk cried, "The poor hacker!
How can it live outside of the network?" The first monk said, "When you have
learned to live outside the network, then you will know."

				      **

   What is the vector which is orthogonal to itself?

				      **

  [ Here is a koan for you - I found it recently in Carl Jung's "Man and his
Symbols." ]

  A wandering monk saw on his travels a gigantic old oak tree standing in front
of the door of a monastery.  Under it sat the chief monk.  The traveler called
out to him, "This is a useless tree!  If you wanted to make a ship, it would
soon rot.  If you wanted to make tools, they would soon break.	You can't do
anything useful with this tree, and that's why it has become so old."

  The chief monk replied, "Keep your mouth shut!  What do you know about it?
You compare this tree to your cultivated trees; your orange, pear and apple
trees, and all others that bear fruit.	Even before they can ripen their fruit,
people attack and violate them.  Their branches are broken, their wings are
torn.  Their own gifts bring harm to them, and they cannot live out their
natural span.  If this tree had been useful in any way, would it have ever
reached this size?  You useless mortal man, what do you know about useless
trees?"