109 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
109 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
File: Jehovah's Witlesses
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Uploaded by: Copymaniac
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Downloaded: 12
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File size: 5234 characters
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Dealing with Jehovah's Witlesses.
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Saturday morning, 10 AM. I'm quietly conducting a Q-scan on this very board
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when the doorbell rings. Leaving the Mac, I go into the hall and look out.
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There is a middle-aged black lady standing at the front door with a bible in
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her hand.
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Jehovah' Witlesses.
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OBOY!
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I leap into action. Quickly donning a camo jacket, black beret and dark
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sunglasses, and grabbing my battery-powered MP5k water machine pistol, I run
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to the front door. They're still there. Good. I fling open the door.
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Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
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JW: Good morning, sir-
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Me: I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT MY SOUL! WELL, IT'S TOO LATE, DO YOU HEAR?
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I'VE ALREADY SOLD IT!!!!!(manaiacal laughter)
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JW: But-
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I slam the door, and pick up the mail. Looking up, I see that the STARK FIST
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has obviously struck the poor woman; she's rooted to the spot. Laughing
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maniacally once again, I spray the door with water. With a gasp, she
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disappears.
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With any luck whatsoever, I'll never be plagued by those idiots again.
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I should mention the camo jacket was "Urban Camo" (various black, white and
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grey splotches). Alas, the MP5K water pistol is in Water Pistol Heaven after it
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dropped on the floor; however, I have a nice "Bullpup" model loosely based on a
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Lazer Tag StarLyte which is picking up the slack, as it were. Oh, yes: The
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above post originally apppeared on the Institute.
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A few basic principles to remember here:
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1) These are essentially decent (but woefully misguided and, in all
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probability, none too bright) people out to Spread The Word Of The Lord.
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Physical assault is right out of the question; even squirting water on them is
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RIGHT OUT. You will note in the 1988 encounter, I sprayed the front door, NOT
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the JW.
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2) If you're feeling masochistic, you MAY wish to attempt to reason with them
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and try to refute their arguments. This is easily as productive a use of time
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as pissing up a rope. They have their faith; their faith is strong; therefore,
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they are right and you are wrong. Don't bother.
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3) As with other organisms, JWs react in a Pavlovian manner to external
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stimuli. If you're polite to them (even to the extent of saying "Not
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interested, thank you" and firmly shutting the door), they have experienced a
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pleasant encounter with a fellow human being and, who knows, a future recruit.
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If, on the other hand, you walk up to the front door stark naked and invite
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them to a Black Mass in the basement, fondling your genitals all the while,
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chances are they will react with disgust and not bother you any more.
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4) A continuation of 1): As a rule, JWs tend not to be the Charismatic Saviour
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type. Once you've scared them off once, they tend not to return. In a way,
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this is disappointing, as I haven't had a chance to vent my spleen at a Jesoid
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in public since that day in 1988.
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With this in mind, here's a list of suggestions on dealing with JWs. With
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imagination, you can come up with more, I'm sure...All of these gambits assume
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you've been waken from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning, are somewhat unready
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to deal with strangers on short notice, have some means of ascertaining that
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you are in fact dealing with door-to-door religious fanatics and have prepared
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to one extent or another.
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1) The Paramilitary method. As described above. A good variation would
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have you coming to the front door munching on a large piece of meat
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impaled on a "Rambo" style knife. For extra effect, offer them some. The
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Paramilitary method can either be played screaming style or in a low, intense,
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"I just flew back from the Ho Chi Minh Trail and BOY, are my ARMS TIRED!!" sort
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of voice. Think Jack Nicholson.
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2) Out-rant them. Have a copy of the Book of the Sub-Genius handy. Read
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selected passages from the Economicon. Point out some of the more bizarre art
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and claim to have witnessed the Fighting Jesus tear himself OFF the cross and
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start beating the Romans over the HEAD with it.
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3) Open the front door bearing a boom box on your shoulder. For best effect,
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you should play Devo, "My Way" by Sid Vicious or "Go To Hell" by Alice Cooper.
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4) Invite them to an orgy (variation on 3), above). Same wardrobe.
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5) While physical assault is out, verbal abuse is perfectly acceptable. Dog
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them down the block shouting that they support Nazi terror in the Vatican, that
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a JW daycare center was shut down under suspicion of child abuse, that they're
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in league with both Lyndon Larouche AND the Queen of England to flood
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Kennebunkport, Newport AND Cape Cod with illicit heroin, Thorazine and
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adrenochrome...use your imagination.
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6) Using a pay phone and a false (but plausible) name (say, John R. Dobbs),
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call 911 and tell the operator there are people ringing doorbells and trying
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windows, doors and locked cars. The boys in blue will do the rest,
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particularly if you sound desperate.
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Like most other fanatics, JWs tend to regard adversity as spiritual exercise.
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I say, let's help them exercise their spirituality to the fullest and BEYOND.
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Major Matt "Hint for Hint 5): Think Radio Shack bullhorn. If you get one
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which plays music, program it for the Nazi or Communist anthems..."
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