237 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
237 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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Liber Call Me AL
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vel vel, now.
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sub figura skating
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"The Book of the In-Laws"
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1. Tag! You're It!
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2. Things get rough from here on out; show not this chapter to thy friends.
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Speling is flunked; all was not taught. It's a Hawk! It's a Higher
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Plane! It's PA-RA-KEET!
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3. Now first, let's get it straight that, as Gods go, I am one bad-ass dude.
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I will kick their asses.
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4. Choose ye an island! (I recommend the Atolls of Tahiti.)
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5. Fortify it with eight vitamins and iron! (From this shall wonder be
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bred.)
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6. Fill it with all kinds of crap!
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7. I will give you a fire engine.
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8. With it ye shall hose down the people, and none shall stand before you.
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9. Run away! Sneak around behind them! Shoot them in the back! This is the
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law of the Battle of Cowardice: we shall practice in my back yard.
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10. Get the Souvenir Postcard of Cairo itself; set it in thy photo album - the
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one with the dirty pictures of Egyptian children and camels - and it shall
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be your Keepsake for ever. It shall not fade, or at least not much, for
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miraculous four-color printing shall adhere to it eternally. Toss it in
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the bottom of your underwear drawer and forget about the damned thing.
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11. Save this portion for your records! I forbid argument. I forbid
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questions. Hell, I forbid going to the bathroom! I will make it easy for
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you to mess up your house and to destroy your home town. Thou shalt have
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danger and trouble; thy weight is 195 pounds. Bar-B-Que is with thee.
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Worship me with gin and tonic; worship me with scotch & with water! Let
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women threaten me with sharp objects; thou knowest I love it. Let beer
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flow to my glass. Step on anyone who gets in the way; mine is a modest
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proposal!
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12 Mutilate cattle, little and big, in remote areas of Wyoming: after, a
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c***d [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF THE O.T.O LEGAL FUND].
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13. Ha! I didn't say "Simon Magus says!"
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14. I'll get around to it, so be patient. Yeah? And your wife, too!
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15. Be careful what you wish for - I may give it to you. Hell, I may anyway.
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16. No contract, explicit or implicit, is hereby established between the party
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of the first part, the entity ?Who-Vast! (hereafter EW), and the party of
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the second part, the Master 999 (hereafter M999). EW assumes no liability
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for damages caused by or consequent to use, misuse, abuse, or disuse of
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Liber Call Me AL (hereafter "Nancy") by M999. M999 assumes full
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responsibility for promulgation, commentary, and routine maintenance of
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"Nancy", and for all civil or criminal actions pertaining to or caused by
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"Nancy" or related material. Your state may not permit exclusion of
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prophetic liability for channeled, inspired, or extraterrestrial
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communications. In this case, state law supersedes the Logos of the Aeon.
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17. Don't worry; fear neither tax auditors, nor auto mechanics, nor weird
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fuzzy things you find late at night under your bed, nor anything. Money
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fear not, but rather the lack of it; nor laughter of the folk folly - with
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a religion like this you're in for a lot of it. Nuts are your snack as
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you drink your Lite; and I am the force that bends your arm.
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18. You know all that stuff in Chapter 2 about mugging the weak and the poor?
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Well, do that, but this time wear steel-toed boots.
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19. The postcard they shall call the Souvenir of Cairo; count its name on thy
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fingers, and it shall be unto thee as, um, 5.
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20. But WHY??? Because of the fall of Because, you little brat. Now go play
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on the freeway.
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21. Redecorate thy temple with genuine oil paintings from the GALLERY ART SHOW
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at the Cairo Hilton! Seascapes, clowns, Elvis on velvet, generic farm
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buildings, and waterfalls are only a few of the many ORIGINAL ARTWORKS
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available at ridiculously low prices for a LIMITED TIME! Sofa size,
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portrait size, and our special TEMPLE SIZE paintings are all AVAILABLE
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NOW!
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22. Buy a whole set, to carry thy Decorating Theme. I am the visible Object
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of Worship, if you know what's good for you. It's my Aeon, and I'll scry
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if I want to. The others can just wait their turns; for you and your wife
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are they, and the winners of the Prophecy Clearing House Giveaway. What
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is this? Ask Ed McMahon.
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23. For perfume mix oil and vinegar and Thunderbird: then gasoline and
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styrofoam, and afterward soften and smooth down with rich dark beer.
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24. The best beer is of the Irish, Guiness; then beers of Germany, or imported
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from the Orient; then of Australia; then of Canada or Mexico; then some
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American pisswater, no matter the brand.
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25. This drink; of this make bread and eat 'til you pop. This hath also
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another use; let beer be laid in a shallow dish in the garden, with sticks
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propped up on its sides: it shall become full of snails and other things
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which have been ravaging your garden.
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26. These dispose of, reflecting on the karmic implications of drowning in
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beer.
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27. Also, these make good escargot if you want to catch them live and go to
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all that trouble.
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28. Also, ye shall reek of garlic.
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29. Furthermore, if you keep them in corn meal awhile, they're supposed to
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taste better. You try it first and let me know.
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30. My altar is of open brass work. Burn thereupon, and all the incense will
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fall through the openings and ruin your new carpet.
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31. You will meet a tall dark stranger who will piss on you.
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32. From gold forge extremely soft, yellowish steel!
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33. Be ready to run away or to hide!
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34. But your Townhouse shall endure throughout the centuries: though with dry
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rot and termites it be unsafe and condemned, yet an invisible house there
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lieth in a heap, and shall remain until the zoning laws change; when hell
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is frozen over and the national debt repaid. Another load of ready cash
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shall then be spent on New Age trash; another scandal-film shall bore us,
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titled "The Sex Life of Horus"; another Book shall be dictated to a
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Prophet overrated; another parody shall be prepared, another Breeze to
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pain; and we shall be still on the brink of the Volume II Magickal Link!
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35. The end of the word of Hia-wa-tha, alias Har-po-marx, alias Pa-Ra-Keet.
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36. Then, suddenly, the prophet said:
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37. I think I feel a song coming on -
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Why do hawks swoop down from the sky
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Every time she walks by?
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Just like me, they long to be
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Close to Nu.
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Why do buds open to the air
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From the Earth, everywhere?
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Just like me, they long to be
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Close to Nu.
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In the Aeon she appeared Archangels got together
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And they Willed to formulate a dream come true;
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So they scattered starlight for her body
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And eternal trees, the hair of Nu!
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38. Of course you feel light-headed; you have a hot sword stuck in your back.
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Pick Door Number 3, and I will establish your way, or you can trade it all
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for whatever is in this box. Oh, by the way, these are the adorations, so
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pay attention:
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Why do snakes coil around my heart
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Every time we're apart?
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Just like me, they long to be
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Close to Nu.
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39. All this and a sensational best-selling book about how you achieved
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communion with Aliens and a copy of this document forever - for in it is
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high acid content paper, and it won't last twenty years as is - and thy
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comment upon this Book of the In-Laws (I suggest "So what?") shall be
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Xeroxed expertly in four colors upon beautiful bond paper stolen from an
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office supply store; and to everyone that thou meetest, were it but to
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throw food and drink on them, it is the Law to give as good as you get.
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Remember, charity begins at AUMGN. Then they shall either shower thee
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with praise and fortune or set their dogs upon thee; care to guess the
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odds? Run away quickly.
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40. But what about the Comment? I don't got to show you no stinking Comment!
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41. Establish a legitimate business organization as a front; all must be done
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using at least two sets of books.
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42. The ordeals thou shalt overlook, being blind drunk. Accept everybody;
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you'll probably spot the traitors before they cause really catastrophic
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damage. I am Pa-Ra-Keet, and I am very good at getting my servant in
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trouble by giving him stupid orders like this. Success would be nice;
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fold not, spindle not, mutilate not, breathe shallowly, sit still! Them
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that seek to arrest thee, to beat thee up, might not even notice thee if
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thou art still and quiet enough. If this doesn't work, swift as a kicked
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puppy run away! Be thou yet more pitiful than he! Perhaps they shall
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have mercy upon thee. Lick their boots, roll over and play dead!
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43. Let the Beige Woman beware! If she lets up for one second I'll kick her
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ass. I will cancel her auto insurance; I will foreclose on her mortgage;
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I will audit her tax return; as a shrinking and despised credit risk shall
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she crawl through loan applications, and die a renter.
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44. But let her do her Will by following my directions to the letter, never
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deviating from the exact path I have chosen for her! Let her act as I
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want her to act, dress the way I like her to dress!
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45. Then shall she be free; then I will be nice to her kids. She shall be
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happy, for I know what she really wants. With my perfect guidance she
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shall be Nuts, and eat Haddock.
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46. I am the Lord of the Top Forties; the Sixties tune in, turn on, and drop
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out; the Eighties worry about my prophecies more than Nostradamus.
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Failure is likely, running away your defense; go on with my speed, and
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hide until they leave!
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47. This book shall be a major motion picture, with subsequent comic book
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releases; but always with the illegible scrawls of my servant; for in the
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chance shape of the doodles in the margins are mysteries with which Freud
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would have a field day. Let him not seek to know these; but seventeen
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come later who shall use them as a wallpaper pattern. Then this ink stain
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is a mess; then this smeared line is a mess also. Buy a new pen, for
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God's sake. And SHAZAM. Blood tests shall prove it to be his kid,
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stunning the medical profession. Let him not push too hard, for only
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thusly could he fall off and possibly injure both himself and the goat.
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48 Now the mystery of the letters is done, and good riddance.
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49. I am in a secret word that you won't want your friends to read. Just tell
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them to stop at verse 48.
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50. Darn them! Darn, darn, darn! GOSH darn!
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51. Okay, here we go: With great big nasty sharp implements I gouge Jesus'
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eyes out. Anybody for a nice cheery burning cross on the front lawn?
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52. I offend another major world religion and make untold millions of
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additional enemies by fucking around with Mohammed's vision.
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53. Hell, let's go for it! I make appropriate rude and offensive comments
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about and desecrate the temples of Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Shintoists,
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Confucians, Taoists, Animists, various Native American religions, and -
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just so they won't feel left out - Marxists. There, now everybody in the
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world hates you. Isn't it nice to be noticed?
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54. Bah! Humbug! I crap on your spitulous creeds!
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55. Let's torture Mary to enrage the Catholics; let's criticize Nuns! This is
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getting fun!
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56. All just for the Hell of it!
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57. Just in case we've left anybody out, let's also despise Canadians and
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blondes and stupid people! We must have, what, something like 99.98% of
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the Earth's population covered by now?
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58. But the keen and the neato, the free and the brave, ye are brothers! All
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seven of you!
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59. So just to make sure you don't get bored, fight each other as well as the
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rest of humanity!
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60. There is no law beyond Do it, then wilt.
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61. There is an end to the word of the Head Honcho of the Aeon, but not yet,
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apparently.
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62. To me kiss up by getting clobbered over and over trying to implement all
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these silly instructions. If this is bliss, I think I'll take sorrow.
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63. The fool takes one look at this Book of the In-Laws, makes a rude comment,
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and resolves to wait for the movie.
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64. Let him come through the first ordeal, and it shall be to him as evidence
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submitted to support his lawsuit.
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65. Through the second, material for unknown rock groups to include in
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otherwise inane lyrics.
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66. Through the third, a source of dozens of pithy aphorisms with which to
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amaze one's friends and alarm one's family.
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67. Through the fourth, overly exalted and poorly understood material just
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waiting for a good parody.
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68. Yet to all it shall seem like a good excuse for doing whatever they wanted
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to do anyway.
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69. There is success just ahead, a light at the end of the tunnel; I promise
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the troops will be home by Crowleymas.
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70. I am the chicken-livered Lord of Silence and Hiding; I am afraid of the
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dark.
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71. Hey! You warriors over by the pillars! Your coffee break is almost over!
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72. I am the guy with the wand of Double Power, baby; the wand of the force of
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OY VEY - but my left hand is empty, for I crushed a beer can yesterday,
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and sprained my thumb.
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73. Paste the sheets from right to left and from top to bottom, then behold!
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A very large sheet of paper!
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74. There is a Secret in the name of PASADENA, hidden and foamy, just as the
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sun at midnight seldom gives you a good tan.
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75. How do you keep a Thelemite in suspense?
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THE END --
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Or Is It???
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Aargh. Huh? |