65 lines
3.1 KiB
Standard ML
65 lines
3.1 KiB
Standard ML
Date: Sat 15 Aug 87 09:44:42
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From: Geoff Gilpin
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To: All
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Subj: Read all about it!
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CONSTANCE CUMBY "CLEANSED" IN "HARMONIC CONVERGENCE"
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SPEAKS THROUGH "TRANCE CHANNEL"
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Acapulco, Mexico (EPA), Aug 18, 1987
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Spectators in this popular resort area were shocked yesterday when Funda-
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mentalist author Constance Cumby, known for her anti-"New Age" bestsellers
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"Rainbows from Hell" and "Hidden Dangers of the Care Bears," fell into a
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crevice filled with molten lava.
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Ms. Cumby had come to Acapulco to protest what she described as "harmonics and
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all other forms of humanism" and to organize a demonstration against the
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planting of crystals here by devotees of "New Age" beliefs. At the time of
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her death, Ms. Cumby was exhorting her audience to counter the "fiendish
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influence of rocks" by burying photographs of Nancy Reagan "and other heros of
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normalcy." She was brandishing what appeared to be a can of deodorant in the
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direction of the New Age believers when the mysterious crevice opened at Ms.
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Cumby's feet, swallowing her, several cartons of her books, and a rack
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displaying plush unicorns and Smurf dolls bearing labels such as "Belial" and
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"Ashtoreth." Eyewitnesses say that Ms. Cumby screamed "It's the rapture!"
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immediately before the fissure closed over her with a noise that several of
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them compared to belching.
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Ms. Cumby's death stirred controversy in both the New Age encampment and among
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her followers.
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"She really did get raptured," insisted Olivetta Beehive, a Milwaukee repre-
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sentative of Mary Kay Cosmetics, "even if she went down instead of up." But a
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member of the New Age group insisted that Ms. Cumby had not been raptured but
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"cleansed." To this claim, Ms. Beehive responded that "She didn't need to get
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cleansed. She was so clean already."
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The debate intensified approximately seven hours after Ms. Cumby's accident
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when one member of the New Age gathering, a self-styled "trance channeler"
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named Roland Twitchy, began speaking in a voice eerily like that of the late
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author.
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"His eyes go all blank. He even LOOKS like Constance," said one woman.
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In a session in which he assumed the identity of Ms. Cumby, Mr. Twitchy
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announced that she had become a convert to New Age beliefs. "It has all
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become clear to me now that I have attained the Fifth Bardo of Utter
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Mindlessness." Mr. Twitchy/Ms. Cumby attested to the pleasant nature of the
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afterlife. "It's nicer than Shopko here." The supposedly discorporate writer
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assured her former friends that all was well. "My guides have initiated me
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into est... or maybe it was TM."
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Mr. Twitchy revealed that, in a former life, Ms. Cumby had been a housewife in
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Atlantis. "My husband and I had a business selling solar heating units. It
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was just like Amway! It was a pyramid! A PYRAMID!! That's not a coincidence,
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you know."
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Since those early sessions, confusion has spread as several other people in
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Mexico have begun speaking in the voice of Constance Cumby. Mr. Twitchy says
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he will apply for a copyright.
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---
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* Origin: APPLEGATE - Appleton, Wisconsin. (414)738-1219 (Opus 1:139/630)
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