textfiles/occult/dhroobs.txt

                         THE DHROOBS OF OZ
                                   by Roger Price
                                   copyright 1966 Roger Price

                             CHAPTER 1

        Isolated from the world of humans by the Deadly Desert, and 
protected by the powerful magic of its' Ruler, Ozma, the marvelous Land 
of Oz had existed since the beginning of time.  
        So when the Dhroobs first appeared before the gates of the 
Emerald City, shouting and carrying their home-made picket signs, it 
caused no alarm.  
        Only the Scarecrow, who had magic brains given him by the famous 
Wizard of Oz, seemed uneasy. He hurried to the Royal Palace to try to 
persuade the lovely Ozma that the Dhroobs were potentially dangerous.  
        "Everything is contagious," he said. "There is psychic contagion 
as well as physical contagion. The Bad drives out the good. Once the 
omelet has been burned, it is too late to drown the rooster." 
        Ozma's musical laugh rippled thru the Throne Room. "My dear, old 
friend," she said, "you may have brains, but, unlike the Tin Woodman, 
you have no heart. If these people from the Deadly desert wish to come 
to the Emerald City and share our life, we must make them welcome. They 
are, after all, creatures just like us." 
        "They are not like ME," said the Scarecrow. 
        "Should I drive you from Oz because you are stuffed with straw 
instead of flesh and blood?" 
        "Oh, no, no, no, no" said the Scarecrow nervously. "I'm as 
broadminded as the next Scarecrow. I have nothing against the Dhroobs 
because they are not colored." 
        The Dhroobs, it was true, were not colored. The people of Oz 
consisted of the Muchkins, who were blue, the Quadlings who were red, 
and the Winkies who were yellow. Centuries of living in the hot, desert 
land had, however, bleached the Dhroobs so that they were a grey, pasty 
white.  
        "What worries me," the Scarecrow said, "is....well....they're 
mortal."
        "So was dear Dorothy," said Ozma. "There is no harm in mortals.  
Besides, the Dhroobs are as they are because they were born in the 
deadly Desert, so it is not their fault....and it is well known that: 
Whatever there is an excuse for, does not exist." 
        "Glom!" said the Scarecrow, scratching his head and sifting a 
handful of straw onto the floor.  
        "Once the Dhroobs are given ADVANTAGES and are allowed to 
express themselves they will become Pussy Cats. They will love us 
because we are so good." 
        "Good," said the Scarecrow sententiously, "is a word we use to 
describe ourselves. Good is a self-serving concept. An objective Good 
pre-supposes an external Intelligence which controls us. Good is God: 
Good is.." 
        "Oh shut up, you animated mouse-nest!" said Ozma, stamping her 
tiny foot. "I'm running the country, and I say we let the Dhroobs in and 
that's that!  

                             CHAPTER 2

        And so the Dhroobs were not only welcomed, but encouraged to 
come to the Emerald City.  
        Each one was greeted at the gate by Ozma, and all were given 
lovely homes with gardens and bathrooms. Exquisite clothing was made to 
their measure and fresh food was delivered daily to their doors.  
        "Oh, how those creatures must love me," exclaimed Ozma. "How 
happy they must be." 
        But, strangely, the Dhroobs were not happy. They were suspicious 
of the food delivered to their doors and would eat only hamburgers, 
pizzas and french fries cooked in rancid oil. The Oz food, they 
whispered, was Magic and part of a Plot.  
        They next complained that the Oz air - unlike the atmosphere of 
the Deadly Desert - was flat and had no kick to it. They began burning 
the clothes provided for them in small stoves, producing acrid clouds of 
noxious fumes with which they filled their homes.  
        Then they demanded that something be done about the un-natural 
silence in the city. A delegation called on Ozma. "Look, lady, ya better 
get onna ball," their Spokesman said, "First ya try to poison us, then 
ya try to strangle us, now ya try to drive us nuts. Gahdammit, we wanna 
little action.  We're fun people, ya know whadd I mean?" 
        So Ozma, using her most powerful magic, created thousands of 
tiny boxes from which constantly issued a dreadful cacaphony. These 
seemed to distract the younger Dhroobs, who walked about with the boxes 
pressed to their ears.  
        But the general dissatisfaction increased. "They're tryin' ta 
get us," the Dhroobs said. "They think because they're handsome and 
strong and generous and ambitious and smart and also immortal that 
they're better'n us. So we gotta get THEM." Several 100% Patriotic 
Societies were formed to combat anti-Dhroogisim and subversive Magic. 
The members marched thru the streets shouting for Justice and Freedom.  
        In an effort to finally appease her new subjects, Ozma sent 
Welfare Workers among them, making notes of all their complaints, and 
promising them whatever they wanted. Pink plastic hair-rollers were 
given to the Dhroob females. Grotesque toy weapons were given to the 
children. Comic books, and colored photographs of Ozma wearing no 
clothes were distributed by the ton.  When it was noticed that they were 
chipping the emeralds from the great wall and prying bricks from the 
golden streets, a weekly allowance of gold and jewels was given to each 
Dhroob, but this only caused more confusion and violence. The larger 
Dhroobs immediately attacked the weaker, took their jewels and gold, and 
buried them in their cellars.  
        In a short while, even the fabulous Treasury of Oz was depleted, 
and Ozma was forced to create more diamonds and emeralds, a task which 
put considerable strain on her already overtaxed powers of Magic.  

                           CHAPTER 3

        A year passed. The Dhroobs, who for the first time in their 
History had decent food and shelter, began to multiply at an increasing 
rate. In two years,they outnumbered the original inhabitants. Even more 
alarming was the fact that many of the Oz people were beginning to lose 
their brilliant color.  Slowly, one by one, they turned a fish-belly 
white. Their jaws became slack, they neglected to bathe, and in time, 
they too began to pry bricks from the streets and hide them.  
        The Patriotic Societies grew in number. The two most powerful 
were the "People's League for Freedom" and the "Committee of Peace-
loving Dhroobs for Democracy." 
        "The Imperialistic Criminal Exploiters must be driven from our 
City!" their Leaders said. Anyone who did not eat pizza, read comic 
books, wear rollers in their hair or who showed any sign of color other 
than dead-white was considered subversive and pro-Magic. These Oz-symps 
were tracked down, chopped into tiny pieces, and burned in the name of 
Justice and Freedom. Under no circumstances would citizens venture from 
their homes after dark.  
        The Standing Army, the soldiers-with-the-green-whiskers, had 
long ago been torn to bits by a Mob protesting Police Brutality. Ozma 
remained hidden in the one remaining tower of the Palace living on food 
flown in to her by the Gump. Jellia Jamb had been raped 116 times and 
H.M. Woggle-Bug, T.E. had been barbecued and eaten.  
        And over the entire city there hung the heavy cloud of poisonous 
smoke created by the Dhroobs' stoves.  
        Only the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman moved about. Protected by 
the Woodman's whirling axe, they kept working, trying to clear the 
debris from the streets and to bring Happiness and Culture to the 
Dhroobs. But the Magic which kept them both alive became daily weaker, 
and suddenly they both crumpled to the ground at the same time, never 
again to speak or move.  

                            CHAPTER 4

        As the years passed, the Dhroobs and their influence spread to 
every part of the Land of Oz. The sands of the Deadly Desert blew in and 
mingled with the soil of Oz, and eventually the land, and even the name 
itself were forgotten.  
        The Dhroobs, however, continued to multiply, and the Emerald 
City remains. Today it is called Los Angeles.  
        Ozma, being enchanted, still lives there. She is a lawyer, and 
works for the local chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union. The 
only remaining other creature from the ancient days is Ruggedo, the 
Gnome King, who is, of course, the Mayor.  

                      The Dhroobs of Oz
                   copyright 1966 Roger Price


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