249 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
249 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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THE CHURCH OF
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BEAVER CLEAVER
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(OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS)
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THE FOUNDING AND DOCTRINE
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"I THUNK ABOUT IT"
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THE
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CHURCH OF
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BEAVER CLEAVER
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A Modern evolutionary synthesis of religious and political thought
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as imbodied in
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WARD CLEAVER
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and the interpersonal relationships of the Cleaver household
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THE ETERNAL TRIAD
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made up of
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WALLY, BEAVER and EDDIE
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BEAVER
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WALLY |________________\ EDDIE
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The
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Supreme Duo
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made up of
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WARD & JUNE
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THE VISION OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE
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On the evening of January 9th, 1981, The two Elders of the CHURCH OF
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BEAVER CLEAVER, Rev. Elvon Prezton and Rev. Solomon Bombay, at that
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time two misguided and lazy mugs, were watching Wrestling on cable T.V.
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and drinking coffee. Just as the American Dream, DUSTY RHOADES was
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discussing in vivid and glowing terms his next opponent with nationally
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syndicated wrestling commentator GORDON SOLLIE, the set went blank and
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started to emit a bright cobalt blue beam of light. The two Elders were
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held transfixed in the ray and astrally transported into the circuits of the
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Quasar television where they met with the Prophet LARRY MONDELLO inside
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a bogus silicon chip.
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In the elapsed earth time of 2 minutes, the Prophet showed the Elders
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every episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER including some rare outtakes and
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imparted both Esoteric and the Exoteric philosophy of WARD. The prophet
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Larry also revealed the HIDDEN SECRET which is known on earth only by the
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Elders and can be only hinted at presently because of certain worldwide
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preparations to be made before the time is right for unveiling.
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The Elders found themselves in front of the television with an extremely
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unpleasent case of sunburn. Although only two minutes had passsed by the
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clock, they had actually been with the Prophet for 6 years. The Elders
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finoshed watching Wrestling and began to disassemble the television in
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search of the chip. Needless to say the chipo was never found and they
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couldn't put the set back together, so they bought a new one at a Motel
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furnishing sale. Late that night the Elders drew up the charter of the
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CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER.
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DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTIONS
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OF THE
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SUPREME DUO
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WARD is the paternal eity. He is the head of the household and is in
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charge of creating and controlling the social and moral reality constructs.
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His complementary partner is JUNE, the matriarchal deity. JUNE functions
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to help maintain the structure of reality and through her intuitive powers
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spots potential trouble spots. WARD and JUNE are two seperate beings that
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act as one. They each have certian qualities that the other is lacking and
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through this combination they have achieved a state of balance.
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The SUPREME DUO is represented by two interlocking circles. The circle
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by it's very nature indicates a complete or whole cycle, or more precisely,
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the linear expositi9on of an infinite event. The two circles are each shown
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as possessing a polarity. The shaded areas are where the polarities are
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integrated and actually become greater than the sume of the two seperate
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components.
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This shaded area (the INTEGRATED POLARITY ELEMENT) is the secret
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power zone of the SUPREME DUO.
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It must be pointed out that there are FIVE conceptual deities and
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therefore in accordance with the esoteric law of FIVES.
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DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTION
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of the
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ETERNAL TRIAD
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The Eternal Traid should be pictured as a right triangle. The BEAVER is
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placed in the uppermost angle point. Beaver is the embodiment of the pure
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man or innocent pure being. In the lower 45 degree angle point is placed
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EDDIE HASKELL. Eddies role is that of the deceiver, the tempter and in a
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deeper sense, the essence of evil. Located in the final angle point is
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WALLY. WALLY acts as a mediator between BEAVER and EDDIE. Because of
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his close relationship with both, he holds a deep understanding of the
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intrinsic nature of the BEAVER and EDDIE archetlypes. In the role of older
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brother his duty is to guide the BEAVER to do the right thing in the face of
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tempation. In the role of best friend his duty to be both advisor and
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socializing factor to EDDIE. The mathematical formula of the ETERNAL
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TRIAD is BEAVER 45 degree plus EDDIE 45 degrees equals WALLY 90
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degrees (45 + 45 = 90) This is not to imply that WALLY is in any way
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superior to BEAVER or EDDIE but is a matter for a deeper level of
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consideration.
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THE DOCTRINAL LOGO
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OF
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THE CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER
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The symbolic representation of the SUPREME DUO is two interlocking
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circles and should be rightly placed above the triangularization of the
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ETERNAL TRIAD.
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DO YOU BELIEVE IN PROSPERITY???
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WHAT HAPPENED TO
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THE AMERICAN SPIRIT??
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DO YOU REMEMBER MORALS??
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The CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER answers question to todays problems
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with it's declaration of the creed;
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"I BELIEVE IN THE BEAVE"
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BEAVER AND UFO'S!!
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-ELECTROMAGNETIC BRAIN SCANS-
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WHO REALLY SHOT J.F.K.???
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WHAT DID WARD REALLY DO IN W.W.2 ??
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c 1982 C.O.B.C.
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