162 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ MOO-COW â-1 ³
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
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Released By
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The Office Of The High Preest of MOO
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Floyd Gecko
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Proclamation â-1
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Carrot Divination
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Hi, and welcome to the exciting world of the MOO-COW Gamma series of High
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Preest revelations, proclamations, stipulations, exacerbations, and
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aggravations.
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In this proclamation, we will explore the wonderful new vision of the Carrot
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deck, as revealed to Floyd Gecko after a hideous tarot-MAO game (if you don't
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know, DON'T ASK)...
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Part One: Tarot/Carrot
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The MOOish peoples will shortly have long had a retroactive tradition of
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Carrot Divination, using the mystical system of the Carrot Deck, somewhat
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related
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to the Tarot Deck of many other peoples. As the Tarot Deck may be related to
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the
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Kabbalah, so may the Carrot Deck be related to the Kobbler. However, the
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Carrot Deck is far more sophisticated than the Tarot Deck, as it allows
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divination to proceed through the mind of the interpreter, a far more flexible
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device than a deck of cards. To wit, the reader simply makes up an
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explanation.
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Its structure is indicated below, as compared with that of the Tarot. It is
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clearly more sophisticated:
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Tarot Structure:
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Minor Arcana: 4 Suits with 14 cards each
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Major Arcana: 22 cards with meaning
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Suits: Cups, Swords, Disks, Wands
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Made Of: 1-10, Queen, Princess, Prince, Knight
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Carrot Structure:
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Short Arcana: 4 suits with 11 cards each
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Tall Arcana: 23 cards with no meaning
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Stoopid Arcana: 23 specific predictions
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Major Inana: 1 Carte Blanche, 1 green card, 2 greeting cards, 1 punch card,
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2 credit cards, 2 Jokers, 1 Batman
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Minor Inana: The 4« of Forks
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Suits: Cups, Knives, Plates, Spoons
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Made Of: 1, 6, 7, 8, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Doc
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Part Two: Doin' The Funky Carrot
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The correspondences of the Carrot Deck with the Tarot Deck are superficial
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at best. The Tarot Deck is composed of 78 meaningful cards, while the Carrot
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Deck is composed of 101 meaningless cards, into which the interpreter can read
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whatever is appropriate. Some readers may find that certain meanings instantly
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apply themselves to the cards, and start to use those. This is foolish: the
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Carrot Deck is completely meaningless and utterly useless as a divinatory tool.
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There are 46 cards not specified in the above listings, those of the Tall
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Arcana and Stupid Arcana. The Tall Arcana are based entirely on the Kobbler
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Koncept, and are grouped into five groups. They are as follows:
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Halfy Group: Happy, Sad, Confused, Alien.
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Olypmpics: Yes, No, Maybe, Summer, Winter
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Venn Group: 2A, 2B, Not-2B
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Pentagon: Anarchy, Bureaucracy, Peace, Nothing, Copyright
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Lumpy Group: Plaid, Paisley, Taco, Elvis, 401
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No Group: Unsociable
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In order to increase the precision of this deck (if not the accuracy), the
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Stoopid Arcana consists of 23 specific precictions, quotes, or commentaries,
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corresponding to fundamental emmanations from the Carrot Sphere. Thus, since
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there's no such thing as a Carrot Sphere, these predictions, if they come true,
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do so only by random chance: "Beware Brick Lobbing Beavers", "Gilligan's
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Island
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Rerun's On At 7:00", "That Idiot Behind You Has A Gun", "There Is A Loaded GNU
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Next Door", "There Are Squids Hiding In Your Underpants Drawer", "This Card Is
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Temporarily Out Of Order", "Never Mind, Too Late", "Elvis Will Pay You A Visit
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Soon", "Vote For Hellhound >101< In Whatever He Happens To Be Running For NOW",
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"Ah, Blow It Out Your Ear, Cinnamon Feet", "Quid Pro Quo", "Stop Asking Me
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Stupid
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Questions, You Goof", "There Is A Bomb In Your Piano", "Your Head Would Make A
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Good Paperweight", "Never Play Golf With A Lawnmower", "Contemplate Your
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Navel...
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Then Figure Out Why You Have One", "MOO", "The Price Of Linguini Noodles Will
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Go
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Up In The Near Future", "DUCK!", "DUCK!", "GOOSE!", "Your Elephant Will
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Spontaneously Combust In The Near Future", and, of course, "Burrito-12".
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Part Three: Deck Layout For Divination
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Lay out the deck thus: ÚÄÄÄ¿
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³
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ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ 15 ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿
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³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ 29 ³ ³ 6 ³ ³ ³ ³ ³
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³ 9 ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³26 ³
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³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ 14 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÃÄ´ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³
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ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄ´ ÃÄ¿ ³ 3 ³4³ 5 ³ ³ 23 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ
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ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³12«³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ 1 ³2³ ³ ÃÄ´ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ¿
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³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÀÄ´ ÃÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³
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³ 10³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³13 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ 30 ³ ³ 24 ³ ³27 ³
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³ ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³
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ÀÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÄ´ 19 ÃÄÄÄ¿ ÉÍÍÍ» ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÙ
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ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³12 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ ³ º º ³ 25 ³ ÚÄÄÄ¿
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³ ³ ³ ³ ÚÄ´ ÃÄ¿ ³18 ³ 20 ³ 22³ º7&8º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³
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³11 ³ ÀÄÄÄÙ ³1³16 ³7³ ³ ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ ³ º º ³28 ³
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³ ³ ÀÄ´ ÃÄÙ ÀÄÄÄ´ 21 ÃÄÄÄÙ ÈÍÍͼ ³ ³
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ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÙ
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Significance Of Positions:
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00001: The questioner
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00002: The questioner's life
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00003: The questioner's mother
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00004: The questioner's siblings (if any)
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00005: The questioner's father
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00006: The questioner's dog's previous owner's goldfish
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00007: The questioner's girlfriend/wife
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00008: The questioner's boyfriend/husband
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00009: The question being asked
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00010: The question not being asked
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00011: The question that would have been asked yesterday at the same time
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00012: The question the questioner REALLY wants the answer to
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0012«: The answer the querstioner wants to hear
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00013: The real answer to the question
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00014: The price of rice in China
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00015: The... Uhhh, well, actually none, it just looked good up there
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00016: The card on top
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00017: The card on bottom
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00018: The meaning of life
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00019: The tensile strength of cotton candy
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00020: The number of MOOists it takes to screw in a lightbulb
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00021: The number of angels which can dance on the point of a pin
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00022: The reason for death
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00023: The location of that thing you JUST CAN'T EVER SEEM TO FIND
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00024: The plot of the next movie the questioner will see
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00025: The average longevity of the questioner's potted plants
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00026: The questioner's sex life
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00027: The questioner's social life
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00028: The questioner should get a life
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00029: The questioner's opinion vis-a-vis King Kong's martyrdom
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00030: The ultimate truth of all reality. Really.
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Part Four: Interpreting A Carrot Reading
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Don't.
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Part Five: Carrot Designs
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The design on the back of the cards should be a picture of a carrot, held
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aloft among floating Knives, Spoons, Plates, and Cups, speared by a fork in the
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midst of a bright light emmanating from a real huge lightbulb. The pictures on
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the faces are left to deck designers and other assorted deckhands. The designs
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should reflect the underlying order and symmetry of the philosophy behind the
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deck. To wit, none. For this reason, the Carrot Deck has never actually been
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designed, in keeping with this principle. However, blasphemers and Gnu Popes
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may
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wish to create their own decks designs. There has already been a proposal for
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a Cyberspace Deck of the Carrot system, in which each card is replaced by a
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floppy disk with a .GIF image of the card on it in 2023x2023x23-bit colour.
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[1355670306.8264 by floyd.gecko #668 (neighbor of the beast)]
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