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Vol. 1 Issue 2
SPAM
The Official(Sort-Of) Newsletter
Of
The Spamian Movement Of The Discordian Society
Editor In Chief
And Founder
Robert I. Brayer(The Punisher!)
Impartial NON-SPAMIAN EDITOR:
Nick Andros
Within: A SPAMIAN PRAYER
----
EXORCISM OF A CABBAGE
----
COMMANDER CHAOS!
----
EXTRA- TWO RELIGIONS OF THE MONTHS!
----
And..MUCH MUCH MORE! Welcome to the SECOND Edition of The
Spamian Newsletter- The first gained almost nothing but good and
great comments so I have been encouraged to continue on, within
we have added several new staff writers including Deadheads and
Vlad The Impaler. Some of the features are extended/changed, we
still don't have much of a regional feedback though, the first
edition was sent out on the WWIVNet and as far as I have known
has garnered little or no comments. This is sort of a "double
issue", although it's not much bigger, it's like a May/June
thing, mostly due to CERTAIN PEOPLE, SKIPPING DEADLINES.. But,
everything is in now, and we can finally get this
thing out. We are also proud to welcome Nick Andros to our ranks,
Nick will provide, <hopefully>, a handy Non-Spamian, Objective
viewpoint, as we always encourage here at THE SPAMIAN MOVEMENT. A
letter was recently sent in, that, due to a clerical error we
have lost. By Thunder though. The gist is suggestions, and we are
happy to announce that these are being followed very much. For
instance, starting, hopefully within the next issue, there will
be three- YES THREE- Versions of this newsletter:
1) Straight Ascii- as we have now
2) ANSI- Online IBM Viewing.
3) VGA Loader, at the beginning neat text & effects with,
hopefully a REALLY neato intro screen. The first two are almost
definite, even the last is probable! Great. Now: AS ALWAYS:
ADDRESS ALL ARTICLES TO THE PUNISHER OR EVEN TO ANOTHER SPAMIAN
TO SEND TO ME! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET, CURRENTLY WE HAVE
MAYBE 2 ARTICLES TO WORK WITH TO START ISSUE 3, YOUR SUPPORT IN
THIS VENTURE AND IN COMMANDER CHAOS IS NEEDED! Thank You!
-The Management.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Interview with Spam lite.
By Nick Andros
In recent past we only had spam. The food of the multitudes,
Served upon plates along with scorching chinese food and luke
warm runny eggs. The United States Army feeds it to it's troops,
and it's troops sling it at enemies around the world. Spam is
feed to students around the nation and is commonly mistaken from
everything from Yul Brenner (actor) to hamburger meat. For the
most part Spam has become and integral part of the american
lifestyle. Spam was the past, present, and future of dining in
america.
Hence It was major news when Spam Lite made its first
appearance. Lighter they claim however, chocked full of that
wonderful taste texture and appearance as the original Spam with
only half the calories and twice the preservatives! In the
spirit of this new event the SPAMIAN NEWSLETTER
has arranged an interview with a can of Spam and Spam Lite!
REPORTER: What is Spam?
Spam: No comment.
REPORTER: Can it be said that Spam is a totally natural
food product made from only the most wholesome and purified
foods?
Spam: No comment.
Apparently the can of Spam on my desk is not interested in making
any statements at this time. So we asked some questions of a can
of Spam Lite.
REPORTER: What makes you so different from Spam?
Spam lite: No comment.
REPORTER: Are you and can it be said that Spam lite is a
totally natural food product made from only the most wholesome
and purified of food products? Yet made from lighter material.
Hence meat and animal byproducts made from lower caloried road
kill?
Spam Lite: No comment.
Recently we contacted the manufactures of Spam and Spam Lite to
ask them what the purpose of their product was and how it was
made. They declined to comment and suggested we talk to a can of
Spam or Spam Lite if we wished to know more.
REPORTER: What is the purpose of Spam and Spam Light?
Spam Lite: No comment.
Spam: No comment.
REPORTER: How exactly is Spam and Spam Light made?
Spam Light: No comment.
Spam: No comment.
REPORTER: What is the purpose of Spam and or Spam light?
Spam Lite: No comment.
Spam: NO comment.
------------------------------------------------------------
Cthulhu Mythos
THE RELIGION OF THE MONTH= MAY
REPORT BY: Deadheads
More than once it has been brought to my attention, of
people muttering under there breath ,"For Now Our Religion's
Damned." Up until about three months ago, I believed that the
Cthulhu Mythos was just one of H.P. Lovecrafts inventions. This
all changed. I was in Canada around Quebec, hiking in the
mountains, when high above I heard a chanting. From what I could
make out the chanting said,"IA! IA! CTHULHU FHTAGN!" I quickly
recognized that from one of Lovecrafts stories. Why was it being
said in such a chaotic manner was beyond me. I journeyed higher
soon to discover a small cult. They had finished there sacrifice
of a can of spam. It was horrid, spam all over. It was a
misjustice to all. The cult members were singing a catchy tune
called The Lair Of The Great Cthulhu, which I quickly learned the
words to.
It went like this:
[Sung to the Chattanooga Choo-Choo]
Pardon me boy -
Is this the lair of Great Cthulhu?
In the city of slime,
Where it is night all the time.
Bob Hope never went
Along the road to Great Cthulhu,
And Triple-A has no maps,
And all the Tcho-tchos lay traps.
You'll see an ancient sunken city where the angles are all wrong.
You'll see the fourth dimension of you're there very long.
Come to the conventicle.
Bring along your pentacle;
Otherwise you'll be dragged of by a tentacle.
A mountain's in the middle, with a house on the peak:
A gnashin' and a thrashin' and a clackin' of beak.
Your soul will be lackin'
When you see that mighty kraken.
Oo-oo! Great Cthulhu's starting to speak.
So come on aboard,
Along the road to Great Cthulhu.
Wen-di-gos and dholes
Will make Big Macs of our souls.
Under the sea,
Down in the ancient city of R'lyeh,
In the lair of Great Cthluhu,
They'll suck your souls away!
(Great Cthulhu, Great Cthluhu-
Suck your soul!
Great Cthluhu, Great Cthulhu)
In the lair of Great Cthulhu,
They'll suck your soul away.
I realized then that they had a strong basis around this
religion. I decided to access my computer, and I found plenty of
information. The second time I tried to access information, the
computer blurted out, "Future Nodes Or Reading Denied." I did
have enough luckily to write this column. What I found out was
this. Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones, could travel from planet
to planet when the stars were right. Well they left Xoth
(There planet) and traveled to Earth. When they got here the
stars were not right, and they couldn't survive. The High Priest
Cthlulhu cast a spell over a continent called R'lyeh. There
Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones slept a deathless sleep. It was
said that they would influence weak minds through dreams driving
them insane. Once they were totally insane they would begin
to worship Cthluhu, waiting for that one day when they would
fulfill his wishes and raise him from his eternal sleep. Shifts
in the moons rotation around the Earth caused R'lyeh to sink to
the bottom of the ocean. There they wait. So if you ever have a
bad dream, or a nightmare that just keeps reoccurring in your
mind, remember Cthulhu. He is the one and only god.
Well I gotta go for now, the Coven is meeting in 10 minutes
and I can't miss the 6th annual Cthulhu Pot Luck dinner. Good
food's there. So I hope this helps you in your conversion
toward a worse life. See ya. Oh I almost forgot. Remember
this, "Cthulhu Saves, in case he's hungry later." For all those
voters out there WHY VOTE FOR THE LESSER EVIL CTHULHU '92
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Commander CHAOS- Column 2- The Revenge.
Yeah, We're into sequels these days, Aliens 3, Lethal
Weapon 3, and of course, COMMANDER CHAOS 2. I don't have much to
say, so let's get going on this first letter-
Dear Commander Chaos,
Hey, Commander, I need some advice. There has been like too much
work for me to do, and I am too stressed out to do all of it.
Actually, I feel like not doing any of it, but that would like
really lower my grades...
Nemesis
Dear Nemesis,
There is help my son, first you must meditate upon a chicken's
nostril for 30 days and 30 nights, then you must consult your
pineal gland, at which point take a left on 436 till you come to
the turnpike.
Luv, Commander Chaos
Dear Commander Chaos,
Here, within, it needs be asked your opinion of the new
product put out by Hormel--Spam Lite. Do you believe that this
product is a degradation towards the most Holy Spam? Do you
think that this product is inferior to the original,
Goddess-given Spam? Do you judge it wise for us Spamians to
indulge in the eating of, or purchasing of this product? For, I
would not wish to anger the Goddess by partaking of a forbidden
strain... and thereby, I ask for your advice, as you know the
ways of the Goddess better than I...
-A Concerned Spamian
(Enduro)
Dear Concerned,
The Official SPAMIAN standpoint on SPAM LITE is actually rather
unclear, The editor<and founder> has been concerned with several
other SPAMIAN issues as I recall, and has not made an official
statement on it yet, as we can ascertain, beginner, or new
SPAMIANS have been referred<perhaps in a derogatory nature?> To
Spam-Liteans. In my esteemed judgement, <and this may be a
stretch>, I would recommend SPAM LITE as a back up product only,
for conditions where SPAM is needed, but not available. I feel,
that since we don't know an official standpoint, we should
proceed to eat it, but cautiously, and only when we are lacking
in SPAM.
Luv, Commander Chaos
Dear Commander Chaos,
Do you think that Windows 3.1 is worth the upgrade?
Thunder
Dear Thunder,
It all depends on your memory. If you have one megabyte of
memory, then I would suggest a good salad, two megs, perhaps a
doorknob, but for an actual window, or even windows, it is
recommended you not only have 16 megs of memory, but a good
strong stomach.
Luv, Commander Chaos!
And that's all for now, we got the full quotient right here,
what you saw was all the letters we got! Now come on, we need a
lot more then that to be a good column! You like my advice! Admit
it! Please! Don't make me cry! Pleas- <The rest of this column
has been cut by the editor, as it is seen to be a senseless waste
of begging and pleading, CC will answer your questions, mail THE
PUNISHER>
-----------------------------------------------------------------
And now a brief excerpt from the SPAMIAN CHARTER-
The Kind-Of Scientific Method
Purpose= To wreck havoc on cabbages.[And preps]. Through the most
holy substance. [Spam]. Well, really, no purpose.
Problem= Cabbages in general.
Hypothesis= We can do it. Maybe. Sorta. Oh come on. Eat your SPAM
like a good Christian boy!
Observations= Spam is good. Eris is neato.
Procedure= 1. Chaos-Causing
4. Do not pass Go
-5. Remember The Maine.
37. Don't count past 10.
2. Continue beating egg whites for 30 seconds and
microwave on HIGH for 30 minutes.
Conclusion:Fnord. (Urp.) 'Scuse me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
SIBYLISM
RELIGION OF THE MONTH= JUNE
Report By: Vlad The Impaler:
The object of Sibylism is to acquire the most mods in the
Orlando area. The person to acquire the most mods takes over as
the current Episkapose or in this case the Sibyl. Being the
Sibyl, you must collect as many mods as possible before the
pressure of your followers trying to beat you out causes you to
have a mental breakdown and a strange love for sharp objects.
When you are finally committed (and believe me you will be) the
person with the second most mods inherits your collection, your
home, your money, Aurora Australis AND SPECTRALink, the title
Sibyl and the Studly Eric. As Sibyl you may not appear in public
as someone may catch on to the running facade. Recently there
was a shuffle of Sibyl's and the new one did not overdose on
Prozac to boost her intelligence so that she make take in the
vast amount of information generated by past Sibyl's. Unknowingly
she contradicted herself several times and there was an
uprising in the cult, Which was quickly checked by using her
supreme femininity to seduce her followers. Followers of Sibyl
are required to be male at the time they are recruited and though
transvestites are acceptable they may not switch sexes until they
become the current sibyl wherein it is required so that they may
mate with the studly eric with the hopes of one day creating a
prodigal son who will one day rule the world (ie. Hitler). This
is not an easy task however.. The past 12 sibyls have been found
to be sterile. Modern medical technology has not yet been able to
do a COMPLETE sex change, but with the combined intelligence of
the Studly eric (Otherwise known as Aquarius the 'C'
King) and the current Sibyl (Whose IQ's together add up to an
astonishing 132), who knows? Furthermore when a child is born it
is required to be killed if A) It is Female B) Has an IQ of under
180 C) Is less than 3' tall or 32 pounds D) Cannot overtake The
Current Sibyl and The Studly eric in melee' combat and Pinball
E) Cannot take in 60 gallons of gasoline without blowing up. The
survival of this child will be the end of Sibylism as we know it
and the beginning of the 4th Reich, but that is next month.
Other bonuses of being the Sibyl! 1) Get to use the Studly Eric
as a pawn to justify your actions.. Example : He's my life raft
and I'm drowning, he's my wrist and I'm his razor etc.. 2) Get to
say 'Just wanted to say Hi' 3) Get to sleep 25 hours a day 4) Get
to have complete mind control over your followers and 5) Get to
help GRANDMA! As a follower, You are required to talk harshly of
Sibyl behind her back and act as if nothing is wrong when you
talk to either her or a fellow follower, go on a tangent once a
month and tell her how unfair she is acting then quickly crumble
under her supreme control, treat Sibyl nicely and worship her
every step while aspiring to acquire as many mods as possible
so that you may become the next Sibyl. However, Sibylism is not
all just collecting mods, sometimes you'll have to take the time
to actually install one as to suggest you know 'C'. Everytime
you successfully install a mod you are awarded a star, which is
carved on your wrist with an Xacto knife.
Structure of the Holy Quadriology.
Sibyl MOM Eric
\  /
/ \
/ \
= =
GRANDMA
MOM - Anything she says goes, the only one who can overrule the
Sibyl. Thus she is placed on the top, to symbolize COMPLETE rule.
GRANDMA - Has no real power, but can instill "fear of the MOM"
into the Sibyl. She is placed on the bottom to reflect this. If
the MOM is killed GRANDMA will NOT take over as MOM.
The Studly Eric - "Right hand man" to the current Sibyl. What he
suggests be done usually is carried out by the Sibyl. It is
rumored that TSE actually runs the cult and uses Sibyl as a
puppet, but this has not been proven.. Placed on the right side
of the cross for Symbolization purposes.
Sibyl - Current leader of the movement. Since most of the
population is right handed the left arm may be considered a sign
of weakness....
The Sibylix bears great resemblance to the Catholic
Crucifix, with two MINOR changes. A little happy face at the top
and two legs dangling from the bottom.
Squared happy face - Symbolizes that one can be happy even if a
dullard as long as it's among your own kind. The increased size
of a square happy face compared to the normal round one
symbolizes extraordinary brain power.. Personally, us here in
the Spamian/Discordian Society believe it has a double meaning...
one of which being highly inflated egos.
Two Dangling legs - Gripping nothing more than air, Sibylism has
no foundation as it's plagued with total chaos... The chaos is
masked so much and the brain washing so thorough that no one
notices.
The Ten Commandments of Sibylism
10. Thou shalt fall in love with the Sibyl and be nonchalantly
dumped the day before your scheduled date, from that point on you
will refer to Sibyl as a bitch (behind her back of course.)
9. Thou shalt become suicidal annually and dump on the Sibyl,
this softens the current one up for the "takeover"
8. Thou shalt keep the seat up while peeing
7. Thou shalt worship Buddha, for he is green and the Sibyl
likes green.
6. Thou shalt not tell the Sibyl of the Cult which functions
around her. For the minutes of brainwashing to erase this stuff
would have been wasted (Brainwashing does not come cheap this day
and age!)
5. Thou shalt use windows and NDOS as MS-DOS is Chaotic.
4. Thou shalt keep small animals in jars of alcohol to further
stress/gross out the Sibyl.
3. Thou shalt use green to type as that is Sibyl's color and it
will anger her.
2. This is the second commandment, the second commandment this
is.
...And the Number one Commandment...
1. THERE ISN'T ONE!!!
...just kidding...
1. Thou shalt call the Sibyl an airhead to her face, for this
corresponds with article 13, section 4.5, paragraph 2, sentence
3, words 1-6 - 9-15, in alphabetical order.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bone-Bite Inget with the Spamian prayer of the month:
Oh almighty spam, great lord over everything, your power
astonishes us, your ability to control the minds of us people is
phenomenal. Teach us, oh great one, your ways, those so
mysterious, that we might mold ourselves more like unto you.
Give us the strength to tread on, even whilst cabbages, such as
Killer, plague our very steps. Enlighten us with but a small
portion of your infinite wisdom, oh mighty one, that we might
better follow as you would have us. Bestow upon us the
chaoticism as is necessary for your work, even more if it is your
will, and the vitality to see it through.
Oh marvelous one, we, who are so inferior to you wish
nothing but to offer to you praises, to sing the great songs of
your glory, of crushing those against you. We only wish to aid
in your battle, and thusly give our lives to you, that you may do
as you wish, oh stalward one.
The power, we need, to destroy the heretic cabbages, give us
NOW, oh great lord. Allow us to proceed with our extermination
of the cabbages, and send us, lord....a great device, which
detects the infiltrating cabbage slime, AND annihilates them.
All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia!
All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia!
All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia!
----------------------------------------------------------------
"EXORCISM OF A CABBAGE"
Report By: DEICIDE
The phone call came at 12 noon, disturbing my sleep. She
was frantic, going on and on about her son. I was able to make
out something about her son worshipping some God of Chaos "Eric."
Immediately I devised that her son's body was occupied by a
cabbage, but I didn't tell her, not yet... I took down her
address, and said in a dazed tone "I'll be right over!" I
removed the patch from my arm replaced it with another and shut
off the multi-colored ceiling fan. On my way out I put on my
black trench coat, mirrored sun glasses and threw
some alka-seltzer to the pigeons.
Upon my arrival, I grabbed the Principia and stepped from
the Volkswagon my vehicle into the middle of the avenue where I
was attracted by many quick moving turtles. As the turtles would
run by they would scream taunts like "FREAK!", "ASSHOLE", "GET
OFF OF THE ROAD, YOU GOT A DEATHWISH OR SOMETHING!!" I was not
evidently welcome among the turtles, but yet I yearned to be
friends with them, to ride upon their majestic backs and caress
their smooth shells... BUT, that is not the subject at hand...
the boy.. must be saved.. I took flight from the avenue,
landing face first on the Mirtz's front door step...
Blood Streaming down my face, I rang the front door
bell.. Ethyl "My God your hurt what happened to your head", "A
mere flesh wound", Extending my hand "Cole Slaw, Slayer of
Cabbage, at your service ma'am." Trailing blood across the floor
I headed toward the kitchen. As I opened the Opening the
refridgerator I found myself staring into the maw of the
nastiest, meanest, ugliest, etc.. etc.. cabbage I had
ever seen! It's eyes glowing and mouth drooling, it called me by
name "Father Impala, I've waited two long hours for you to
arrive.. I shall enjoy this" "Enjoy what? And please stop
drooling on this nice woman's floor." "I shall enjoy mutilating
you, cell by cell." "That could be very time consuming." "Organ
by Organ?" "That might work, but may I suggest limb by limb?"
"Very well, let's get this over with..." "However, I failed to
mention, I am an exercisor of cabbi!!" and with that I started
my aerobics routine. I began with 5 minutes of low impact, then
went into some vigorous workout routines, after 2 minutes
of that the cabbage was sufficiently subdued. I could not get
any information from the cabbage (Not surprising, they are
EXTREMELY stubborn), so doing my very best Jordon imitation I
leaped into the air ready to slam the cabbage into the garbage
disposal, but caught my hair in the fan and landed on my chin,
nearly severing my tounge. SOMEHOW the cabbage landed in the
disposal, and Ethyl flipped it on, "Coleslaw." She handed me a
pepsi and I asked in a demanding tone "Where's Junior?" She
pointed to the second level of the house. As evidenced by
previous events today, I felt my flying ability was somewhat
hampered by the "Metaphysical Transgravitational Pull Of The
Earth's Molten Core On My Reeboks" or "MTPOTEMCOMR" for short. I
decided to use the stairs, only to realize as I arrived at the
foot that...
And now for this NBC Newsbrief...
RICH BI-SEXUAL FOUND DEAD IN NEARBY POOL
<Sustained applause> And now back to our story...
they were carpeted! At the top of the stairs stood a child not
more than 8, he was a pale green, and his hair had been replaced
by leaves of cabbage.. I walked towards him slowly, luring him
towards me with a "Nestle's Crunch Bar(tm)." As the child
reached out to grab it, I tripped him down the stairs, his neck
broken two or three ways the cabbage was dead and so was he. I
rejoiced and popped open a SPAM, the mother cried and called me a
"murderer." "I did what had to be done, and nothing more. Can I
have my money now?" "NO!" "Sure?" "YES!" "Please?" "NO!"
"Pretty Please" "NO! NO!" "Pretty Please with Sugar on top?"
"NO! YOU KILLED MY SON!" "Bitch." <muffled gun shot>
-=-
How Spam Gave Me The Power of Foresight
By: Guybrush Threepwood
I was sitting in school during a party for the class. One of the
people there brought a meat substance that I was not familiar
with. When it was extracted from the can a strange oozing juice
rolled down it's sides. I asked what the meat substance was nd
was told...SPAM. I was reluctant at first to taste it, but
everyone else was. The person serving the SPAM cut a thin square
piece and slid it onto a cracker. I took it very slowly as not to
let the SPAM slide off of the cracker. I...um....I ate it. And to
my surprise.... it was good. It was more than good. It was great.
I ate more and more until it was all gone. When we were all done
eating, the person who brought the SPAM took the can and hammered
it out into a flat piece of metal. He proceeded to wear it upon
his neck. I left the party and was feeling strange. I didn't know
it but the SPAM was giving me some strange powers. I had the
power of foresight. I was talking on the phone and my friend said
to hold. When he came back I told him who it was, I didn't even
know that person. I must talk to the Episkapose tomorrow and get
some advice on who my newfound powers can be used to the good of
the Spamian Movement.
--==----
NEXT ISSUE WILL HAVE 3 VERSIONS AND MUCH MORE ! LOOK FOR IT!

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