84 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
84 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
**************************************************************
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S P E C I A L O F F E R BY F.U.H.C.U. !!
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**************************************************************
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Hello, you disenfranchised folks out there in echoland! Tired
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of not getting the proper respect you only dreamed of deserving?
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Do you not even deserve any respect at all? Are you small, petty,
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jealous, mean, spiteful, capricious?
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Or are you a basically decent person? No matter...
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YOU...*regardless* of personality, integrity, or intelligence
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can be _THE ONE TRUE GOD_<tm> due to a special one-time offer by
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FUHCU (the Fed-Up to Here Corporation, Unltd.). Do you look upon
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members of the clergy with envy because of the loftiness their
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calling bestows upon them? You can have these people WORK FOR
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YOU! Do your bidding! Lie prostrate to you! Raise money for
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you and slaughter millions of innocent people in your name! [*]
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This special service offered by FUHCU is based on the amazing
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technology called Circular Reasoning <tm> which hermetically
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seals in evidence of one's divinity in a handy, self-contained,
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self-referential, easily portable (or suitable for framing)
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TEXT which is *cordless* as well. No need to plug it in to
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any outside source for complete operability!
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Your _Document of Godhood_ is lovingly crafted by a divinely in-
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spired scribe, complete with a limited (though extensive) library
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of obscurantist iconography and fonts to personalize your One True
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Godness <tm> from all other False Gods <tm>, then carefully
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shipped to you via netmail in .JPG format (or .GIF, though costs
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and curses by sysops increase) For an extra bonus to the first
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ten who apply, a *special clause* will be added to denounce all
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other One True Gods <tm> and mere demigods or members of panthea
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as Satan or a Dark Dualist Half of your choice...absolutely FREE
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OF CHARGE!
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This Document will establish that you, the One True God, have
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inspired the document which loudly, joyously proclaims that you
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are indeed the One True God <tm>. No need to muck around with mere
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demigod status, or content to be simply "a god"--you're Number
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One--not just The Big Kahuna, but the one who the Kahuna answers
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to! King of Kings! God of All Gods! Judge, Jury, Executioner!
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****************************************************************
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[*] NOT VOID WHERE PROHIBITED: This Document entitles you to
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all perks and privileges of being the One True God <tm> on
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Earth as it is in Heaven, but a gentle disclaimer must ac-
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company this advertisement which warns that:
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1) certain heathen nations who govern themselves according
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to the doctrine Separation of Church and State may hold
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you personally liable for any genocides, murders, or les-
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ser felonies and misdemeanors perpetrated by either you
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or an adherent to your faith who commits a crime in your
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name or according to you, God, speaking to them.
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2) other heathen nations who have foolishly cast their lot
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with theocracies established on impostor gods may attempt
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to justify trying you on grounds established within the
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bounds of their false religion. (Sorry Gods-to-be, but
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this document only establishes you're God--you and your
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followers will have to fight it out in the trenches with
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the heathen believers to convince them of their folly.)
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****************************************************************
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To take advantage of this WONDERFUL OFFER, simply fill out the
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form in the next post and send it via netmail to Robert Jackson
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at (1:390/87). You will receive a UUencoded .JPG file in return
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which will confer instant One True Godhood <tm> immediately upon
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UUdecoding and saving to your hard disk. You may print out copies
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of your Document for distribution to potential believers, but any
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subsequent alteration of the Document may hamper efforts to be
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perceived as infallible by skeptics and religion debunkers.
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****************************************************************
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Brought to you by FUHCU: "Hostile Takeovers and LBOs of All the
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World's Major Religions by the Year 2020!!"
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