444 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
444 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ Issue #6 $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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Contents:
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FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!!
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Another Dobbs Sighting
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Dobbstown BBS
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The Jolly Green Trademark
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An Eschatological Laundry List
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Door-to-door Religion Salespeople
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Clench Info
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For more info, send all your money to:
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
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PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!!
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I was with my SO today, while she was purchasing some "feminine supplies"
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and she showed me the outside of a box of o.b. tampons that had "FREE K-Y
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Jelly!" Written on the side. Upon closer inspection, I saw the words "(When
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you call the toll-free # inside.)" Just below it. Being a sucker for
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toll-free numbers, I promptly ripped the box open, and found the little
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booklet entitled "Why K-Y Can be Your Tampon's Best Friend."
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Inside said wonderful little booklet, I found out why. :)
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Because if you dial this number:
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****************
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*1-800-526-3967*
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****************
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The people at Johnson & Johnson (makers of that find K-Y stuff)
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"will send you A FREE SAMPLE OF K-Y Personal Lubricant + .50 coupon toward
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your next purchase + an illustrated booklet on when and why to use K-Y."
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(Their words, not mine! :) )
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So, in case you missed that number, it's:
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****************
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*1-800-526-3967*
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****************
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That's:
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****************
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*1-800-526-3967*
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****************
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Don't delay! Call today!
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****************
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*1-800-526-3967*
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****************
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...And thank you for your support!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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YEEEEAHAAWW! And kiss my great horned lizard, the One Who Smokes
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and Walks was sighted in Buffalo on Friday! Us of the Faith and Lubrication
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were up on the roof, making 'frop sales and rude innuendos to Garth and Joe
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and Betty and Joe and Bill driving by on the Avenue of the One True Beetle,
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when we all fell dead from Radiation Burns, though later on it would be
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reported as "a freak episode of ball lightning". Then YEA! did we see below
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us a man, a great man walking down the street towards us, pipe with 'frop
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ablaze, and a smile to kill a rancher. Murmurs fell from the lips of the
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masses as he aproached. "No...it couldn't be Him...we've only heard tales,
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and no matter the FistNumber, he wouldn't be HERE...would he?" So the High
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Priest called down, ""Bob"!", and the head of the One Who Blows No Chunk
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turned up to look at us and said, "yes".
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"Is your name "Bob"?"
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"Yep."
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The air stood still, yet mountains wept.
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"Your name is *really* "Bob"? It's *really* You????"
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"Yep."
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And then he walked past the writhing heathens, and on his way...
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Nothing's been quite the same since Dobbs stopped by our temple,
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but nothin's gonna change the way I clean my ears.
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Rev. Capt. Devious (SuSpEcT dEvIcE)
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PS. Rev. 3.0: Kill me, you are blessed!
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---
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CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!!! v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take
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Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The
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qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Zowie. If you can call long-distance on someone else's bill, you might want to
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check this out...
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Exciting conversations! Titillating discussions with the opposite
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species! FREE Access. FREE Downloads. WIERD files. NO Call-Back
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Verification. NO ratios. Wow!
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Call...
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DoBBStown BBS!!!
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(407) 679-3624
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300/1200/2400 bps
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24 hours a day!!!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>>In Australia, they have the Big Pineapple, the Big Banana, a hotel
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>>shaped like a crocodile... but most tacky of all is the Big Merino,
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>>a huge, unpainted concrete *sheep* situated somewhere near Goulburn,
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>>NSW.
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>
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>It's what keeps the Jolly Green Giant jolly. What, you thought that's
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>why he kept Sprout around? Go wash your minds out with soap!
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Want to know what REALLY makes him Jolly? Read further.
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Have a weak stomach or are eating dinner? DON'T READ FURTHER!
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Tastlessness ahead... last warning!
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(C) 1991 James Parry
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THE JOLLY GREEN TRADEMARK
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The Jolly Green Giant was feeling jollier than usual tonight. He gulped
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down another six gallons of tomato vodka and reached for a refill. He
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downed it and looked over his Valley.
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"Ho, ho, hwuuuulllllllppppppp!!!!!!"
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A giant-sized stream of green vomit arced across the blue sky and landed
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on the Cauliflower In Real Cheese Sauce. It was ruined, rendered unfit
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for human consumption. So they relabeled it.
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-- K.
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.............................................................................
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James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer
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271 Dartmouth St. #3D, Boston, MA 02116 specializing in logo and
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(617) 262-3922 typeface design.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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An Eschatological Laundry List
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==-==============-=======-====
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(A partial register of the 927 eternal Truths)
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==-=======-========-==-===-===-=======-=======
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1. This is it!
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2. There are no hidden meanings.
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3. You can't get there from here, and besides, there's no place else to go.
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4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time.
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5. Nothing lasts.
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6. There is no way of getting all you want.
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7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
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8. You only get to keep what you give away.
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9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
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10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay
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off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
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11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
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12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
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13. You don't really control anything.
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14. You can't make anyone love you.
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15. No one else is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
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16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
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17. There are no great men.
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18. If you have a hero look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
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19. Everyone lies, cheats and pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly,
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I myself.)
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20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
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21. All of you is worth something, if you only own it.
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22. Progress is an illusion.
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23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed
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new problems.
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24. Yet, it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solutions.
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25. Childhood is a nightmare.
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26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-
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cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
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27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
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28. The most important things, each man must do for himself.
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29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
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30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much,
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but that is all there is.
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31. How strange, that so often it all seems worth it.
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32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial
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power, and partial knowledge.
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33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
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34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
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35. No excuses will be accepted.
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36. You can run, but you can't hide.
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37. It is most important to not run out of scapegoats.
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38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
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39. The only victory lies in surrender with ourselves.
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40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
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41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
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42. What do you know...for sure...anyway?
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43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again...
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Door-to-door religion salespeople (was Re: Some wicked ideas!)
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In article <3JUN91222640@acad3.alaska.edu> fsspr@acad3.alaska.edu writes:
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>Actually, this isn't about Brother Jed, but I do find neato ways to
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>annoy Mormon missionaries....
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>[story deleted for brevity's sake]
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This reminds me of something that happened to my friend Fred....
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He was living in a mobile home in Alaska. There was a knock on the
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door. "Hi. We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day
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Saints, and we'd like know if you'd like to discuss the Bible with us."
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It was a dull day, so he figured "Why not?" and let the two Mormons
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in, and proceeded to show them "proper hospitality."
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With a straight face, he asked them "Can I get you something? Maybe
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you'd like some coffee? Tea? Perhaps you'd like a Coke?"
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They of course declined, and the three had a friendly chat for about
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half an hour.
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There was another knock on the door. Fred answered, looked at the duo
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at the door. "Hi! We'd like to chat with you for a few minutes."
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Fred noticed copies of the "Watchtower" sticking out of their
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briefcases (read: they were Jehovah's Witnesses) and eagerly invited
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them in, saying "Come on in! I have two friends I'd like you to
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meet!"
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Fred says this is when he decided religion should be a spectator
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sport. The two pairs went at it for about half an hour, until Fred
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finally had to step in before they started exchanging blows.
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------
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Another Fred-and-door-to-door-fundies incident took place just a
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couple of weeks ago. He now lives in an apartment building in the San
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Francisco bay area.
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One of his neighbors warned him that a door-to-door Scientologist was
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coming around.
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Well, Fred and I sing in a music group, and he just happened to be
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working on one of the songs we were doing in our upcoming concert.
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As he was picking his part out on the guitar, the Scientologist came
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to the door and engaged him in conversation. The guy asked Fred what
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he was working on. Fred asked him if he wanted to hear it; the guy
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(of course) said "Yes!" Fred proceeded to sing, and only got through
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one verse before the guy started running away. The song:
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(to "Da Doo Ron Ron")
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He keeps on writing novels though his life is through
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Some folks say it shows what Dianetics do
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Yeah, his life is through
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Yeah, what Dianetics do
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Yeah, when I saw the name
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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He wrote before he founded Scientology
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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But soon he found religion makes bucks easily
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Scientology
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Makes bucks easily
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Yeah, Dianetics pays
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For L. Ron, Ron, Ron! For L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh yeah \
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L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (sung simultaneously 2x)
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! /
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Twenty-two best sellers and there's more to come!
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Heaven only knows where they're a-comin' from
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Yeah, more books to come
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Yeah, who knows where from
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Yeah, this I've gotta see
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From L. Ron, Ron, Ron! From L. Ron, Ron, Ron!
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Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh yeah* \
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L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (sung simultaneously 4x)
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It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! /
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*optional ad-libbing done here
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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WHY NOT!
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NOW you can join the 13013th Clench of Dobbs Infiminite.
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Just take two big stacks of dollar bills, pee on one, and mail the other
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to:
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Anti-nuke Fnord-spams From Beyond Your Mothers Grave
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2500 Howell Branch Rd #353
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Winter Park, FL 32792
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--------
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The New STARK FIST OF REMOVAL magazine is STILL available...
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127 Mind-numbing pages of Slack published in breathtaking cheap newsprint
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that smudges and everything! Lot's o'dogma, short stories, artwork and
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Things to WANT and BUY. I got a hot copy from Pastor Buck Naked. You'll
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have to pay, net.pinks!
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$3.95 + $1 postage to:
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PO Box 140306
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Dallas, TX 75214
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Yiyiyiyiyiyiyi!
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-Reverend 3.0
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P.S. Coming soon: S.L.A.K.* patches to sew onto your favorite shit-kickin'
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outfit.
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(*Subgenius League of Ass Kickers)
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--------
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The latest issue of 3dpsnewS, the Official Newsletter of the 3 Dips Who
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Are God, is now available! One year ahead of schedule!
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Send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to:
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Cattfish
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915 W. Wisconsin Ave. #412
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Milwaukee, WI 53233-2373
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--------
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>>By the way, where may one who is seeking enlightenment find the scriptures
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>>of BoB and other literature of the CotSG?
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>
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>The WHOLLY post office box:
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>
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>The Church of the SubGenius
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>P.O.Box 140306
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>Dallas TX 75214
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>
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>$1 for a pamphlet, $20 for a church membership and ordainment, and
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>$10,000 will make you a POPE!
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Yea, verily, it will change your life! Why since I've become an
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Overman(tm) I've metamorphosed into a Major Mediacretin Personality (with
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Xtra Glitz), witnessed (first hand!) a major escalation in the quality *and*
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quantity of my sex life (are there *really* that many more 18-year-old
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pom pom girls around these days?) and have so much slack that I usually don't
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bother to post in alt.esperanto.and.computer.rants.
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Needless to say, I've also learned to pull the wool over my own eyes.
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And hers, too.
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One small corection, though: the $10k should be sent to the following
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address:
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"One Step Beyond"
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c/o KDHX-FM
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PO Box 63328
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St. Louis. Mo. 63163
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Thank you.
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Chuck, the Doge of South St. Louis
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Sundays, 3 to 6 pm on KDHX, 88.1 FM
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"Give me liberty or give me death" -- Patrick Henry
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"Give me slack or kill me" -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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Dioxinville Magical Mystery Clench of the Air, St. Louis
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I walked in to the Burger King the
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@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ other day, and told the woman at the
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@@@@@@ @@@@@@ register that I had misdialed Fiji.
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@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ She said she couldn't give me instant
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@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ credit. I said, "AT&T always did".
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@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ She blubbered, "But you're not dealing
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@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ with AT&T!" "Well I am NOW!" I said
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@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ as I stormed out the door. Then I
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ walked to the nearest pay phone,called
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ the operator and ordered a Whopper.
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ $ $ $ $ $
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ 1 3 0 1 3
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@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@
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@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
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@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
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@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ |
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@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+-
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@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
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@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
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@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
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@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ Pen up your Nose! No One is Safe!
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@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to:
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@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
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@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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