421 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
421 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ Issue #5 $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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Contents:
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What is Slack?
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PsychoSlackPoem
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Native American Slack
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The Church of the Small Boy
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Dobbshead Offer
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Undercover Subgenius: Rev. Robert Tilton
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Kultural Kriticism Korner
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"Bob"'s Diet Tips
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RTP Slack Update
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For more info, send all your money to:
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
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PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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..and yes, this IS the clench that is responsible for covering the
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Free Expression Tunnel at NCSU with millions of Dobbsheads...
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>
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>Hope I'm not insulting anyone, but what is SLACK?
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>Did I cause any of it through this post?
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>
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>Bob
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If you were BoB and not just Bob, you wouldn't need to ask the question. But
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the opportunity to rant on Slack is irresistable...
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What is Slack?
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Slack is the universal substance of true divinity, it is grace, baraka, free
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time, having more food than you need. Slack is the state of security where
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nothing anyone says could possibly insult you. Slack is the sound of one hand
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giving the finger to the Con in all its manifestations. He who has Slack
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can have any mood he desires, or no mood at all. The slackful person is
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indifferent to the presence or absence of possessions of all types.
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You cannot buy or sell slack, but money can be converted into slack if you
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have the proper attitude. If you need to ask what the proper attitude is,
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you do not have Slack and cannot convert money into it. You can have slack
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without money, again with the proper attitude.
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Superficial imitators, those who do not have slack but covet it, will tell you
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all sorts of things about it, usually the most boring manifestation is that
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they ask you to send them money. The truly slackful person would not accept
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money from people stupid enough to send it to them.
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It is actually possible to configure a dorm or other room to maximize its
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slack-attractiveness, but this task cannot be done according to surface
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evaluations of how cool, sexual, rebellious, or kitschy each individual item
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may or may not be according to temporary, youth-culture standards. The
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arrangement of the items in the room, and their composition, is more important
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than any socio-cultural connotations of those objects.
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If you believe any of this, and try to act on it, you have no slack. The
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holder of true slack is totally indifferent to what slackless people say about
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slack, or about anything else. Slack is bullshit, in contrast to the Con and
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its minions, who are all horseshit-based.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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It matters not that the police of thought
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Are breathing down my back.
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They will back down, for I act like a clown
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And fool them all with slack.
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"What's all the fuss? He's ridiculous."
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The Men In Black shall intone.
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I'll scamper and drool. I'll play the fool,
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And I'll keep my mind my own.
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In plain sight I'll hide. I'll let them feel pride
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Believing the've taken my Sallack.
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But as I cavort, I'll have my own sport
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And stab them in their fat backs.
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Hide in plain sight.
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No one cares what the clowns do.
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(Until they pull out the knives, but then it's too late.)
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Oh all this talk about pinks and cons. Makes me wonder how history could have
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been different if the Native Americans of North America know about "Bob". Out
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on the old long and lonesome praire it must have been a snap to spot the Pinks.
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I heard a story about one Brave who had SLACK whether he or anybody
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else knew it. After his traditional way of life was destroyed he took to
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hanging out on the Main Street (TM) of Pinksville. By playing dumb, he made
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his living. When folks new to the West came to town, the first thing
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they heard about was the indian who was so stoopid that he didn't know the
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value of money; if you offered him a dime and a nickel, but only told him he
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could take one, he would take the nickel, because it was bigger. Finally, one
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of the Brave's friends said to him, "now lookee here, you know a dime is
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worth more than a nickel, so why do you take the nickel?" And the Brave
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answered, "Because if I took the dime, they wouldn't do it any more".
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Now hear this:
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The Church of The Small Boy lives! BoB is with us and is living
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on our Fridge Door, guarded by the Red-Double-Decker Bus fridge-magnet
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the fire-engine magnet, and The Pocket Anarchist.
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We *ARE* BoB's true disciples in London, accept no other and send
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US all of your money NOW! You CAN be saved from the forces of PINK!
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Accept SLACK! SLACK FLOWS IN LONDON AT LAST! Nasty Americans, send
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US YOUR SLACK! Post it to us HERE and NOW! Your soul can be saved!
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We shall return.
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-----------
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Disclaimer: "Bluebell Railway!"
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mail: the address at the top, epsilon@cix.uucp
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-----------
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----------------------------------------------------------
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For a limitted time we are proud to offer you this once in a
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lifetime chance to "own" "Bob"!!
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Thats right! Now you can be the envey of those around you by
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having "Bob" in your very own home, dorm, apt. or even right in your
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hip pocket.
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This special product will bring good-luck, spirtural-fulfillment,
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and above all, dramatically increased sexual powers!
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And this is how: Send me 1(one) U.S. dollar and a SASE and
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I will send you a B&W "scanned" "Bobs-head" suitable for framing,
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displaying, or lining your cat's litterbox.
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For 1(one) dollar and the price of a stamp you will receive:
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2 (two) 11 X 17 inch (huge!) "Dobbs-heads"
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3 (three) 81/2 X 11 inch (still real big!) "Dobbs-heads"
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These reproductions are of the highest quality and are waiting for you!
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And, for a limitted time, if you also send a 5 1/4 or 3 1/2 inch
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diskette (unformatted!) I will also send you the TIFF file of "Bob"
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so you can make your own posters, go into busness for yourself, and
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make millions!
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YES! All this and extra SLACK! for only 1(one) dollar.
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You cannot afford to pass this offer up. Act now...or pay latter!
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Louis B. Stein
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350 S. Graham St.
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Apt #3
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Pittsburgh, PA
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15232
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----------------------------------------------------------
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tm tm
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Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the
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single greatest source of slack known to mankind:
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Bob Tilton.
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Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG!
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Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and
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asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge:
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The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ ($$$ --> salvation)
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Three "miracle" prayer cloths
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A package of miracle anointing oil
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The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask
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5 large posters of Bob
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The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK)
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Several copies of their magazines and newspapers
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Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$
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...and lots more!
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Bob Tilton is a SubGenius.
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Here are a few reasons why:
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1) He rips off pinks for a living
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2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of
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tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND
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THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink
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Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me!
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Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk
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with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..."
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3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!)
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4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm...
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5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that
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looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except
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it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled,
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"Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar?
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If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read
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your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information."
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You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your
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phone number, though. Do it, or kill me.
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I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but
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something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of
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Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it:
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"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way
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you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the
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same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives
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must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church
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obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton
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God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!)
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-St. Mog the Unholy
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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"`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT
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IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES"
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-Book of the SubGenius, p. 39
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"Take your foot off the brake!"
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-Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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----------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Kultural Kriticism Korner
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Ever notice that most breakfast cereal campaigns, especially those
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targeted at the young, are based on torment and suffering? Here
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are some examples:
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Trix: The Trix Rabbit is in an eternal existential dilemma,
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his existence centered around a substance that generations of smiling,
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rosy-cheeked Calvinist children deny him, intoning the mantra
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'Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!'
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Lucky Charms: Here, the character is the eternal bearer of the
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desired commodity, but this only makes him fair game for all types
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of assaults on his life and liberty. Much like Prometheus, Lucky
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the Leprechaun is tortured for the gifts he bears.
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Cocoa Puffs: The Cocoa Puffs Bird is, quite simply, the moral
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equivalent of a recovering alcoholic. Of course, the armies of
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[white anglo-saxon] children are always tempting him with the
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substance he plainly both wants to and needs to avoid at all costs.
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Those who wonder why otherwise reasonable adults will try to serve
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drinks to a known alcoholic need look no further than this modern
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morality play.
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Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles: The Pebbles cereals are presented as
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so desirable that Barney Rubble will repeatedly, and with no apparent
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regrets, resort to fraud and theft against his best friend Fred
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Flintstone.
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Anyone needing to know why the young people of America seem to
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be amoral nihilists need only consider the moral lessons they get
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free with every box.
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T. Rev
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----------------------------------------------------------
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DIET TIPS
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1. Begin your diet by weighing yourself while wearing a parka, several
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hats, the ski outfit you haven't worn in years, construction boots,
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a codpiece, and thirty or forty rectal thermometers. Each week, wear
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one less thing when weighing yourself.
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2. Discontinue drinking carbonated beverages. Switch to products
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whose fizz has been created by the addition of helium.
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3. Start drinking.
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4. Always keep in mind that two of the fastest ways to lose excess
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weight are amputation and decapitation.
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5. Keep a picture of Roseanne Barr on your refrigerator. Play "special"
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rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during meal times.
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6. Install a superconducting maglev bathroom floor under your scale.
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7. Start smoking.
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8. Hang around with fat people. You won't lose weight this way, but
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you'll feel much better.
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9. Read "Diuretics" by L. Ron Hubbard.
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10. Eat whole grain foods, cottage cheese, and low calorie plain
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yoghurt. Throw up. Repeat indefinitely.
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----------------------------------------------------------
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In article <4811@helios.TAMU.EDU> jamie@stat.tamu.edu (James) writes:
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>I have no money.
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>I have no job.
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>I have no job openings found after a semester and a half of searching.
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>I have no ties.
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Congratulations on your achievement. Many of us spend many years *working* in
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order to attain such SLACKfullness.
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>i am lost
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Excremeditate on the pure white light of stupidity. Consult the Firesigns,
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especially the words of Barney *HONK*. I think we're all bozos on this bus.
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>i need slack
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It appears that you have attained the SLACK that is not SLACK. Or not. Or
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kill me. Or kill "Bob."
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>Where can I find slack?
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Send all of your remaining money to
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First Church of Kryste (Alchemist) and
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Discount House of Worship
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3021 Cornwallis Road
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Research Triangle Park, NC 27709
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Attention: Dobbshead Acolyte Putz
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you will receive SLACK in abundance. You will not receive SLACK in the return
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mail. You will, through the inexplicable and, in fact, unreturnable mystery
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of Fornicationalism, receive SLACK immediately upon inserting your post paid
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Izness Eply Nvelope into the mail. Put your hands on the mailbox. Say
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Hallelujah. Thank you. Give me a dollar.
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> alt.slack?
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>
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>no
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>i just tried that
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>there was no slack there
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Of course. It has all gone to PSUVM.
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>*sigh*
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spl
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--
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Steve Lamont, sciViGuy (919) 248-1120 EMail: spl@ncsc.org
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NCSC, Box 12732, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709
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"...though you may have the falcon yet we certainly have you."
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Dashiell Hammett, _The Maltese Falcon_
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
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@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
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@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
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@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
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@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
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@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
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@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
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@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
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@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
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@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
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@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
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@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ |
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@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+-
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@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
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@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
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@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
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@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to:
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@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
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@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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