433 lines
16 KiB
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433 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
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******** C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S *********
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******* ********
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****** *N*E*W*S *******
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Contents:
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Official SLACK Test!!!
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Robert Tilton- SubGenius Exposed!!
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
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PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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THE PIPE-SUCKING, GUT-BLOWING ALL NEW NEW AND
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IMPROVED SLACK QUIZ #1
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This is a fairly medium-sized test based on the Purity Test. Unlike the
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Purity Test, which gauges purity (something we could care *less* about),
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this measures SLACK!
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*ISCLAIMER: This test gives results only roughly representative of the actual
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slack of a person. For the true results, you must learn to whiffread, and
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to learn that skill, you must SEND YOUR MONEY to the Church. Yes, folks,
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send that green right in. But first, send it to ME! Through E-MAIL! And
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I'll send it for you with my personal blessings. OR KILL ME!!!!
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Now that that's out of the way, .......
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PART ONE: MULTIPLE CHOICE
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(Answer to the best of your knowledge).
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1. The term 'SubGenius' means:
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a) Below the genius level
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b) A smart person in a U-boat.
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c) The level of classification immediately above subspecies
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d) Nothing.
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2. Which of the following is _not_ a valid SubG motto:
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a) Fuck `em if they can't take a joke!
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b) Joke `em if they can't take a fuck!
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c) Suck `em if they can't fake a toke!
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d) You're gonna burn in HELLFIRE for this blasphemy!
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3. The proper SubG disclaimer is:
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a) Or kill me
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b) Or nuke me
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c) Or make me write bad checks
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d) Or take all my money
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4. A SubGenius follows the word of:
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a) God
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b) Cod (as in "Hi, have a fish")
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c) "Bob"
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d) FUCK YOU pink boy, SubGenii follow *nobody*!
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5. The proper way to explain the Church to an uniformed (non-pink) person is:
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a) Give him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius
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b) SELL him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius
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c) Tell him/her, "It's a slack thing, you wouldn't understand"
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d) Rabid sexual encounters
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6. "Slack" is
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a) An excess of material
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b) Undefinable, by definition
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c) Definable, by undefinition
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d) This question is pink.
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7. "Nental Ife" is roughly similar to:
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a) The Soul
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b) The Heel
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c) The Odor-Eater[tm]
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d) Thrash bands from Philadelphia
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8. The "Third Nostril" is used for
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a) Producing excess phlegm
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b) Breathing underwater
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c) Whiffreading
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d) Weird sexual practices
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9. The "X-ists" are:
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a) In league with "Bob"
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b) In league with NHGH
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c) In the Major League, playing for the Cleveland Indians
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d) A comic book about mutants.
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10. The "Room of Excremeditation" is where you
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a) Read the Book of the SubGenius
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b) Export the *only* product most of us are really good at making
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c) Sleep
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d) Slack off
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11. The Pipe is
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a) What you smoke `Frop' in
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b) A phallic symbol
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c) What water goes through
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d) A UNIX feature
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12. We are all born with:
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a) Original sin
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b) Original slack
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c) Original fingerprints
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d) Original recipe
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13. A SubGenius must have
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a) Slack
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b) Sex
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c) Money
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d) Balls (or ovaries) of steel
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14. Slack will *not* bring you
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a) Luck
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b) Money
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c) Fame
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d) A personalized photo of Dan Quayle in drag
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15. Chapter 19 is
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a) After Chapter 18
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b) Before Chapter 20
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c) The location of the TRUTH about EVERYTHING
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d) A new bankruptcy provision
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16. NHGH is
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a) A terrible and largely unknown god
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b) A product division of Digital
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c) The sound one makes when strangled
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d) Yo' mamma!
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17. The proper way to explain the Church to a *pink* is:
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a) Ignore him/her
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b) Kill him/her
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c) Take his/her money
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d) Sodomize him/her
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18. The X-ists will come by way of
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a) Flying saucers
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b) Flying cups
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c) Greyhound
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d) Nebraska
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19. Money is the root
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a) of all evil
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b) of all enjoyment
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c) canal
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d) at an obscure internet site in Oklahoma
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20. Doktormusic is
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a) The theme song for a popular BBS science fiction show
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b) What physicians play in their waiting rooms (ugh!!)
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c) A means of conveying the word of "Bob"
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d) Communist propaganda
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21. True Utopia is where
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a) Everyone is perfect
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b) Everyone is dead
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c) We can all make mistakes
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d) Dan Quayle goes on vacation
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22. Pinks have no
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a) Nental Ife
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b) Social Life
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c) Slackful Wife
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d) Butcher Knife
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23. The pink of Pinks is the color of
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a) A newborn baby's skin
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b) The negative essence of money (well, magenta at least)
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c) Conjunctivitis
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d) Toxic waste
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24. The luck plane is
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a) Influenced by slack
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b) A woodworking tool
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c) Parallel to the equator
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d) Taking off from gate 19 in ten minutes.
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25. The Skor is
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a) A candy bar
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b) Thirty-two to nothing in the sixth inning, and it looks like the
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Reds are really getting the better of the Mariners here today.
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c) Changable by instant replay rules
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d) The events that will occur
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26. SubGenii descended from
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a) Apes
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b) Yeti
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c) Abdominal Snowmen
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d) Mountains
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27. The Headquarters of the Church is in
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a) Dallas
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b) New York
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c) Mars
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d) Cleveland (makes you wonder where the Hindquarters of the Church is)
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28. In 1998,
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a) The X-ists will come
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b) Jesus will come
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c) Rocky LXVII will be out in theaters
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d) A Democrat will be elected President.
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29. `Frop' is
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a) an herb
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b) a spice
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c) a swear word
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d) A motorcycle gang
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30. Obo is
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a) An obscure Christian sect
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b) A television production company ("Sit, Obo, sit! Good dog! <ARF>")
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c) A musical instrument
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d) The Anti-Bob
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31. JHVH-1 is
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a) The serial number on an IBM 3270 control stream manual
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b) The first Jail House Varsity Hockey team
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c) Also known as "God"
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d) A music channel similar to MTV but for yuppies.
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32. If Jesus Christ came back today he'd be
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a) Driving a `57 Chevy
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b) In an X-ist spaceship
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c) Very, very old
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d) Very, very pissed
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TRUE-FALSE SECTION
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33. Connie is "Bob"'s wife (well one of them at least)
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34. The Con is a guy who hustles cars
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35. Pstench is noticed by people who can't pspell.
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36. "Bob" was once a salesman.
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37. "Bob" was once a salesman for IBM.
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38. "Bob" has slack.
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39. Rev. Stang has slack.
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40. Ted Kaldis has slack.
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41. The Church is a joke.
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42. The joke is on the Pinks.
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43. Yetisyny is a new food additive.
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44. God does not play dice with the Universe.
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45. God plays loaded dice with the Universe.
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46. Fnord refers to a land feature in scandanavian countries.
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47. "Bob" is a fan club.
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48. "Bob" is not a fan club.
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49. There is no question 49.
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50. This test is over.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Scoring: Multiple choice:
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1: a) 0 b) 0 c) 0 d) 2
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2: a) 0 b) 1 c) 1 d) 3
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3: a) 4 b) 2 c) 0 d) -2
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4: a) -1 b) -2 c) -3 d) 2
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5: a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 5
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6: a) -2 b) -3 c) -2 d) 9
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7: a) 3 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0.5
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8: a) -2 b) -2 c) -1 d) -3
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9: a) 3 b) -1 c) 2 d) 0
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10:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 1
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11:a) 2 b) -73 c) 1 d) 1
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12:a) -2 b) 4 c) 1 d) 1
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13:a) 3 b) 1 c) 0.5 d) 0.3
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14:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 5
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15:a) 2 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0
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16:a) 4 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0
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17:a) 5 b) 5 c) 5 d) 5
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18:a) 3 b) 2 c) 0 d) -5
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19:a) -2 b) -1 c) -2 d) -3
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20:a) 0 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0
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21:a) -1 b) 0 c) 3 d) 2
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22:a) 4 b) 3 c) 2 d) 1
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23:a) -1 b) 2 c) 1 d) 3
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24:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0.5
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25:a) 0 b) 7 c) 2 d) 3
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26:a) 0 b) 2 c) 0 d) 1
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27:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -2
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28:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -7
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29:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0
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30:a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 d) 4
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31:a) 0 b) 0 c) 2 d) 1
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32:a) 1 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3
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TRUE/FALSE:
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33: T) 3 F) 0
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34: T) 0 F) 1
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35: T) 0 F) 4
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36: T) 3 F) 0
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37: T) -2 F) 0
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38: T) 5 F) 0
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39: T) 3 F) 0
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40: T) -19.3 F) 1
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41: T) -7 F) 2
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42: T) 7 F) -2
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43: T) -2 F) 3
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44: T) 0 F) 0
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45: T) 3 F) 0
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46: T) -1 F) 2
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47: T) -3 F) 2
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48: T) -3 F) 3
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49: T) 3 F) -5
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50: T) -10 F) 7
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Now, total up your score. If the result is:
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-150 to -101: You are undoubtedly so f**king pink that you haven't
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had an original thought since you were born.
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-100 to -51: Go get a lobotomy. You'll do us all a favor.
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-50 to 1: When the X-ists come, don't bother waiting for a ride.
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0 to 49: You have a little bit of SubG in you, but not much.
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50 to 99: Smoke some 'frop and give me all your money. You
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aren't a SubGenius, but at least you can do the rest
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of us a favor.
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100 to 150: You are beginning to see the light, you just need
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your butt kicked a little more.
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151 to 170: You are either a) incapable of addition, in which
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case you're just like every other stupid fool to
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come out of the public school system, or b) cheating,
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in which case you've got more slack in you than any
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of the other poor schmucks who actually added up the
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score.
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I dunno, I printed it
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out and smoked it!: Congratulations, you have slack. Now give me your
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money anyway.
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If you actually bothered to add up the score, congratulations, in spite of
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anything said above, you are undeniably pink. And so is this posting. And
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that's because we all need our slack, and I can't afford to waste any on this
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damn system. So gimme slack, or gimme food, or kill me. Or not.
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| Bill White Internet: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu |
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| COOPER'S LAW: |
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| All machines are amplifiers. |
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-------------------------------------------
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Subject: Robert Tilton Ministries
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Organization: Knights of Christianity Against Legal Sex
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Holy hallelujah and fuckwad, Pee Dog!
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One of my Pink acquaintances pointed out a potential ShorDurPerSav for me.
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He said:
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"Have you watched Reverend Robert Tilton on television? He's the
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hottest up-and-coming T.V. evangelist anywhere. He doesn't even
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bother talking about goodness and such; his main point is that, if you
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are poor and send him in $1000 you don't have, God will deposit it
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your bank account right after you mail in the letter. He does all the
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wonderful gimmicks; he speaks in tongues, he asks the viewers to place
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their hands on the screen, "touching" his, and "feel the energy", and
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he brings in people who used to be poor who tell great stories of how
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they sent in money to Robert and suddenly found their lives
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overflowing with wealth."
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So of course I began watching Tilton every day and putting my hand on
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the screen along with Robert. I watched every fake tear, praised his
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weekly "miracles." But it wasn't until I received his prayer book in
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the mail that I learned that Robert is, praise "Bob", a SubGenius.
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Here's why:
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o He calls himself "Bob" exclusively. In fact, he doesn't even sign
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his name "Bob Tilton", just "Bob".
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o He understands that ripping off Pinks is the ideal way to make a living.
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o The mail I got from him today is too unbelievably SubG. I received:
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- "Life-Sized Poster of Me Praying the Prayer of Agreement With You"
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- "Anointing oil"
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- "Prayer of Agreement Seals"
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- "Complete Instructions on How to Receive Your Miracle"
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- "An Illustration of the Life-Changing Vision God Gave Me About The
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Prayer of Agreement and You"
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- A red miracle prayer cloth, made out of the cheapest fabric I've
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ever seen. He wants you to send it back, even.
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- Three "Miracle envelopes" (the one for week 1 is pink, by the way)
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- "much more!"
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o Some quotes from the material:
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- "This miracle package has been especially designed under God's
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anointing to meet your toughest miracle needs."
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- "Sign here and join me in faith for your miracle!"
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- "every day for the next 21 days...say out loud `I stand in agreement
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with you, Bob, and believe God for my miracle!'"
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- "God promises that the truths outlined within this miracle
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package will work for you if you are willing and obedient to act upon
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them. Get started today on your road to miracles in every area of
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your life! In Christ Jesus, Bob"
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- "Week #1: Bob, please pray over my urgent prayer requests during
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our 21-day miracle campaign."
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- "I'm not slack, saith the Lord, concerning My promises..."
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o And what's the address of the Robert Tilton Ministries? It's...
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P.O. Box 819000
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Dallas, TX 75381
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...right next to Dobbs!
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I urge all of you to send off for this free book/poster/oil/prayer
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cloth. For pure slack, this rivals the Stark Fist.
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Just write them at the above address, or call (214) 620-6200 and ask
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for Bob's free book. They'll ask you what they can help you pray for.
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Tell them you just got a raise and you aren't sure if the money should
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go to God or to a new car. But don't give them your phone number.
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Praise Dobbs! Praise Tilton! Praise free slack!
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-St. Mog the Unholy
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Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
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Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
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PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
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Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"
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