textfiles/music/songs-x4.txt

  WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR!                          SONGS-X4.TXT
                        -Ioseph of Locksley and countless others!
                        -tune: "Celito Lindo"

        A limerick packs laughs anatomical
        Into space that is quite economical
        But the good ones we've seen
        So seldom are clean
        And the clean ones so seldom are comical!        (T)

        (Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai!
                  I am drunker than you are
                  So sing me another verse
                  That's worse than the other verse
                  And waltz me around again, Hrothgar!      (I)

        A blue ribbon was quite a surprise
        To a Scotsman in his native guise
        "I don't know where you've been,
        Whether good, or in sin....
        But I'm glad that you won the first prize!"     (I)

        While Titian was mixing rose madder
        He espied a nude girl on a ladder
        Her position, to Titian
        Suggested coition
        So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er!       (T)

        A wanton young lady from Wembly
        Reproached for not acting quite primly
        Answered "Heavens above!"
        "I know sex is not love!"
        "But it's such an attractive facsimile!"       (T)

        There once was a knight from the West
        Who thought he was the very best
        But the ladies just chaffed
        And pointed and laughed
        And never put him to the test!             (U)

        A Celt, with a grin, softly said
        As he killed all his enemies dead
        "These trophies so gory
        Are my marks of glory,
        It's my enemies giving me head!"                (I)

        There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr
        Who committed a dreadful faux pas
        She loosened a stay
        In her decollette
        Exposing her je ne sais quoi!             (T)

        There once was an old man of Lyme
        Who married three wives at a time
        When asked: "Why a third?"
        He replied: "One's absurd!"
        "And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"         (T)           

                       

2
        The Revel lasts all of the night
        Lords and ladies in finery bedight
        The music doth swell
        The dancers look well
        Once they learn their left foot from their right!    (E)

        There once was a knight from the Middle
        Who wanted to learn how to diddle
        In the East, at his ease,
        He caught a disease:
        And now he can't even piddle!                (I)

        A randy young man from Caid
        Was discovered spreading his seed
        In horses and dogs,
        In owls and in frogs,
        And in two or three slow-moving Swedes!      (I)

        At least if you're in the Dark Horde
        You will never sit 'round being bored
        Our ladies, and wives.
        Tend to carry sharp knives....
        First get their permission, my lord!         (U)

        A lusty old Duke, at Estrella
        Was behaving in ways I won't say-a
        In his BVDs
        Duct-taped to a tree
        He woke up the very next day-a!              (I)
 
        Address all unknowns as gentle
        Treat ladies as tho' sacramental
        Unless their bare arms,
        Loose behavior, and charms
        Proclaim that their favours are rentals!     (E)

        Don't ever drink Caidan Blue
        It'll getcha as nothing else do!
        A pirate one day
        Drank two, so they say,
        Just look at that boy gork and spew!         (I)

        There once was a young knight from Kent
        Whose thing was so long that it bent!
        To save himself trouble
        He'd put it in double,
        And instead of coming, he went!              (T)

        The trouble with list'ning to Yang
        Was that every damned song the man sang
        Was either illicit,
        immoral, explicit,
        Or in lower Mongolian slang!                 (E)

        There was a young lady named Banker
        Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor!
        She awoke in dismay
        When she heard someone say:
        "Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!"      (U)

3
        A serious thought for today
        Is one that may cause dismay:
        Just what are the forces
        That bring little horses
        If all the big horses say "Neigh?"           (U)

        There was a young man from Racine
        Who invented a "Doing Machine"
        Concave and convex
        It could "do" either sex,
        But oh, what a bastard to clean!             (T)

        There was a young couple named Kelly
        Who walked around belly-to-belly
        Because, in their haste,
        They used library paste
        Instead of petroleum jelly!                  (T)

        At the Revel last night down in Crewe
        I found a large mouse in the stew
        Said the waiter "Don't shout,
        And wave it about,
        Or the King will be wanting one, too!"       (T)

        There was a young lady named Greene
        Who grew so abnormally lean
        And flat and compressed
        That her back touched her chest
        And sideways, she couldn't be seen!          (T)

        A certain young man from An Tir
        Sat down, and cried in his beer,
        His lady, he said,
        Wore chain-mail to bed
        And it took off the hair round his peer      (I)

        There once was a knight from the Mists
        Who cockily entered the lists
        A Duke soon uncocked him,
        Dehorned and defrocked him,
        He got screwed, but never was kissed!        (I)

        If you kiss enough frogs, so they say,
        One might be a Prince, some fine day,
        But beware of the dude
        Who is uncouth, and lewd:
        He's a horny toad, and a bad lay!            (I)

        A certain young Herald so charming
        Had Arms that were very alarming:
        A maiden, displayed,
        On a bed, disarrayed,
        And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!"              (I)

        You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna
        You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah
        While you turn them quite green
        With your shieldwork supreme
        Look out for that left-hand katana!         (E)

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        The East, or the Mid, (It depends!)
        Remarks when the Horde condescends
        To march into place
        With sword, spear and mace:
        "Your friends? I thought they were our friends!"      (E)

        Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot
        They've never been peaceful and quiet
        We'd turn it to slag
        Mop it up with a rag
        Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it!          (U)

        A Meridian lady, they say.
        Was made a peculiar way:
        She took forty-two strokes
        And three dirty jokes
        And a gallon of mead every day!           (U)

        Ansteorra's a place in a rut
        Delighted to wallow in smut!
        They use dirty socks
        To cover their jocks
        And do, well, I mustn't say what!         (U)

        As I gazed at the heavens one night
        The cracks in the sky caused me fright!
        Pieces came down!
        Fell all over town!
        I guess Chicken Little was right!         (J)

        God's plan had a hopeful beginning
        But Man spoiled his chances by sinning
        We trust that the story
        Will end up in Glory
        But, at present, the Other side's winning....     (T)

        And now we have got to The End
        Of this song about Terrible Sin
        And if you've been bored
        I'm sorry, m'lord
        You should NEVER have let me begin!         (I)


        **************************************************************

        Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around
                            Again, Hrothgar":

        There was a young girl named Alice
        Who used dynamite for a phallus
        They found her vagina
        In South Carolina
        And her arse was just this side of Dallas!     (T)

        A rancid old hermit named Dave
        Kept a dead whore in a cave
        He said; "I admit,"
        "I'm a bit of a shit;"
        "But think of the money I save!"             (T)

5
        There was a young man from Nantucket
        Whose prick was so long he could suck it
        Said he, with a grin,
        As he wiped off his chin,
        "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"        (T)

        Now, Jon and Diana one day
        Founded the whole SCA
        At a Berkeley party
        That was very arty
        Now it's covered the whole USA!           (U)

        His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends)
        Remarks when the Dark Horde descends
        With chickens and goats,
        six Serbs and five Croats
        "My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!"       (E)

        There once was an old maid from Wooster
        Who thought that a man had seduced her
        When looking around, 
        She finally found:
        'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her!         (T)

        There was an old lady from Munich
        Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch
        At the height of her passion
        He slipped her a ration
        From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic!       (T)

        There once was a mighty stick-jock
        Who had holes down the length of his cock
        When he got an erection
        He'd play a selection
        From Johann Sebastian Bach!             (U)

        An attractive young lady named Myrtle
        Had quite an affair with a turtle
        What is more phenominal
        A swelling abdominal
        Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile!         (T)

        An unfortunate fellow named Chase
        Had an ass that was badly misplaced
        He showed indignation
        When investigation
        Proved that few persons shit thru their face!      (T)

        A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom
        Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom
        His mistress did shout
        As he pulled the thing out
        "De gustibus non disputandum!"                (U)

        There was a young maid from Madras
        Who had a magnificent ass
        Not pretty, and pink,
        As you probably think:
        It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!      (S)

6
        A bather, whose clothing was strewed
        By breezes, that left her quite nude
        Saw a man come along
        And, unless I am wrong,
        You expect the next line to be lewd!         (U)

        A habit obscene and unsavoury
        Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
        With maniacal howls
        He deflowers young owls
        Which he keeps in an underground aviary!      (T)

        There was a young harlot from Crewe
        Who filled her vagina with glue
        She said, with a grin,
        "If they pay to get in,
        They'll pay to get out of it, too!"         (S)

        There was a young lawyer named Rex
        Who was sadly deficient in sex
        Arraigned for exposure
        He said, with composure,
        "De minimus non curat lex!"         (U)

        There was an old lady of Tring
        Who, when somebody asked her to sing
        Replied, "Isn't it odd?
        I can never tell 'God
        Save The Weasle' from 'Pop Goes The King!"         (U)

        A young poet, whose name was McMahon
        Wrote verse that never would scan
        When they said, "But the thing
        Doesn't move with a swing,"
        He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words
                 into the last line as I possibly can!      (U)

        There once was a Duke from the West
        Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best
        He said," She is sweet,
        And gentle, and neat,
        But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!"      (I)

        There once was a man named Old Jossil
        Who found a most int'resting fossil
        He could tell by the bend
        And the knot in the end,
        T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle!            (T)

        There once was a man from Rangoon
        Who was born by the light of the moon
        He had not the luck
        To be born of a fuck
        But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon!          (T)

        There once was a man from Shambock
        Who played the bass viol with his cock
        With massive erections
        He rendered selections
        From Johann Sebastian Bach!                     (T)
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        There once was a girl from Milpitas
        Who had a great yen for coitus
        Her athletic friend
        Had an itch on the end,
        So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus!             (U)

        There once was a girl from Mobile
        Had a cunt made of crucible steel
        Her greatest sex-thrill
        Was a rotary drill
        And an off-center emery wheel!                  (U)

        A broken-down harlot named Truppe
        Was heard to confess, in her cups,
        "The height of my folly
        Was to diddle a Collie,
        But I got a nice prize for the pups!"         (T)

        There once was a man named Grost
        Who had an affair with a ghost
        He said, with a spasm,
        At the height of orgasm,
        "I think I can feel it, almost!"               (T)

        There once was a Corsair named Bates
        Who did the fandango, on skates;
        He fell on his cutlass
        Which rendered him nutless,
        And practically useless on dates!               (T)

        There was a young lady named Cager
        Who, as the result of a wager,
        Consented to fart
        The whole oboe part
        Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major!                 (U)

        There was a young lady from York
        Who was greatly adverse to the stork
        But no matter how firm,
        She feared no man's sperm,
        For she plugged it up first with a cork!         (U)
 
        There was an old Count from Svoboda
        Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
        So, with great savoir-faire,
        She stood on a chair,
        And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda!               (T)

        There was a young lady from Arden
        Who was blowing a man in a garden,
        He said, in a huff:
        "Do you swallow the stuff?"
        She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?"      (T)

        The lovely young Countess of Bole
        Had a sense of humor most droll
        To a masquerade ball
        She wore nothing at all,
        And backed in as a Parker House Roll!           (T)

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        There was a young man from old Sparta
        Who was a magnificent farta
        He could fart anything
        From "God Save the Queen,"
        To a solo from "La Traviata!"           (T)

        On the chest of a Countess named Gail
        Was tatooed the price of her tail,
        And on her behind,
        For the sake of the blind,
        Was the same information, in Braille!           (T)

        There was a young man from New Haven
        Who had an affair with a raven
        Said he, with a grin,
        As he wiped off his chin,
        "Nevermore!"                           (U)

        A fighter, while armoring up,
        Found a lady's brassiere in his cup.
        Since his jock strap was gone,
        He tied the thing on,
        Saying, "Wonder what's holding HER up?"  (M)

        A lady who liked to brew mead
        Made a very strong potion indeed--
        When served at the War,
        It disabled twelve score,
        And the Midrealm was forced to concede!    (M)

        Hussein, a true servant of Allah,
        Converted some poor Viking fella
        Saying, "Take my advice,
        Seek the true Paradise--
        You know what they serve in Valhalla!"     (M)

        All the lady apes ran from King Kong
        For his dong was unspeakably long
        But a friendly giraffe
        Took his yard-and-a-half
        And ecstatically broke into song!          (S)

        A maiden who lived in Virginny
        Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny
        The hunting set chased her,
        Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
        For the pitch of her organ went tinny!     (S)

        There once was a young girl of Devon
        Who was raped in a garden by seven
        High Anglican priests -
        The lascivious beasts!
        Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.....!     (S)

        When a woman in strapless attire
        Found her breasts working higher and higher
        A guest, with great feeling,
        Exclaimed "How appealing!"
        "Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"       (S)

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        There was a young lady from Trent
        Who said that she knew what it meant
        When he asked her to dine
        Private room, lots of wine,
        She knew, oh, she knew...but she went!     (S)

        There was a young lady named Hitchin
        Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen
        Her mother said, "Rose,"
        "It's the crabs, I suppose..."
        She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!"    (S)

        There was a young man of St. James
        Who indulged in the jolliest games
        He lighted the rim
        Of his grandmother's quim
        And laughed as she pissed thru the flames!   (S)

        A fellow whose surname was Hunt
        Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt
        This versatile spout
        Could be turned inside out
        like a glove, and be used as a cunt!          (S)

        There was a young girl from Darjeeling
        Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
        There was never a sound
        For miles around
        Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling!     (S)

        A hermit who had an oasis
        Thought it the best of all places
        He could pray and be calm
        'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
        While the lice on his pecker ran races!       (S)

        The last time I dined with the King
        He did quite a curious thing:
        He sat on a stool
        And took out his tool,
        And said, "If I play, will you sing?"         (S)

        The gay young Duke of Buckingham
        Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
        Watching the stunts
        of the cunts and the punts,
        and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em!  (S)

        A mathematician named Ball
        Had a hexahedronical ball,
        And the cube of its' weight
        Times his pecker, plus eight,
        Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all!   (S)

        There was a young student of Trinity
        Who shattered his sister's virginity
        He buggered his brother,
        Had twins by his mother,
        And took double honours in Divinity!       (S)

10
        There was a young fellow named Scott
        Who took a girl out on his yacht
        But, too lazy to rape her,
        He made darts of brown paper,
        Which he languidly threw at her twat!      (S)

        There was a young lady from Exeter
        So pretty, that men craned their necks at her
        One went so far
        As to wave from his car
        The distinguishing mark of his sex at her!    (S)

        There was a young fellow named Kimble
        Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
        But fragile and slender
        And dainty and tender
        So he kept it enclosed in a thimble!         (S)

        An organist, playing at York,
        Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
        And, between obligattos,
        He'd munch at tomatoes
        To keep up his strength while at work!       (S)

        As the she-wolf and lioness feel
        For their cubs, so the Knight for his steel.
        When looking at such
        Ask leave ere you touch
        Or instead of seeing, you'll feel.           (C)

        Be still when a Bard holds the hall.
        Join the dancing or stand by the wall.
        Don't boast of your might
        Till you learn how to fight
        Or after or ever at all.                     (C)

        There once was a girl with a torso
        Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so!
        Her only complaint
        Was because Ink and Paint
        Gave each of her tits its own floor show!    (K)

       * note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song.......

    (T): Traditional   (U): Unknown source    (I): Ioseph of Locksley
    (E): East Kingdom Songbook     (S): Singapore Hash House Harriers    
    (J): John Benson  (M): Marian Greenleaf  (C): Cariadoc of The Bow      
    (K): Charlie Kellner
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