104 lines
5.5 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
5.5 KiB
Plaintext
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"The New Kids and Why We Hate Them."
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This is an essay demoting the promotion of The Kids tapes,
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clothing, posters, and other assorted useless articles. Upon analyzing
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the fans of the kids, we discovered they need help. We feel that they
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look to this group due to a lack of parental concern and attention in
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their family life. This would explaing why these sorry souls must seek
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outside attention and comfort from alumni of local colleges and
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universities. The five people in this so-called musical group represent
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a family. We have come to realize that they received their name because
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their parents would not allow them to leave the block. This is just one
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example of the family atmosphere of the group, and it is because of
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this atmosphere that so many troubled people turn to them after being
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rejected by their family.
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We fail to see how people can actually enjoy their concerts when
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they get over at 9:30 so they can be home by their bedtime. What
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really gets us is that it takes five to do the job of one. It would
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also seem that on some occasions they wear briefs that are several
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sizes too small, this would explain why their voices are so high.
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Although we are putting down the little brats we can't help but
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feel sorry for them. I mean, how's this for embarassment: A girl is
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putting the play on you at a concert, but what can you do when your
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mother is backstage because it's her turn to chaperone tonight?
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Another question of interest is how can anyone can idolize a group
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that has a milk break during the middle of their concert and naptime
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before their last song?
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This was going to be the part where we slam the way they pose, but
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we concluded the class could make up their own mind on that point. So
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at this point we would like to focus on the effects of the New
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Children's music on their loyal fans. After exhaustive research, we
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have been able to compile the following table:
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Effects of New Children on the Block on Listeners
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93% -- View Saturday cartoons
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67% -- View cartoons after school
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34% -- Can name all of Santa's reindeer
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21% -- Can name three or more of the Shirt Tails
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Even Bryant Gumbel, after only one meeting with the group, was
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reported to whistle the theme song to the Smurfs, but this has not been
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confirmed.
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WARNING: After extensive research, we have found that all New
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Children's albums contain subliminal messages ordering you to drink
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Ovaltine.
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Many people have several misconceptions about the New Children's
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group. One of the most common is that they're rich because they have
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chauffers when actually it's because they can't drive yet. Another is
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their clothing. It looks like it's an expensive style of their own when
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in all actuality, they just can't afford clothes without any holes in
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them on their allowance.
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Parents think these little boys are excellent examples for the
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youth of this country because they don't do drugs or alcohol. The
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actual truth is that they don't even know what these things are yet. We
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have also discovered an astonishing lack of even the most basic
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knowledge in the most important of all fields. World History.
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For example, when we asked them who Caesar was, three thought he
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was the owner of the Little Caesar's Pizza chain and the other two
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thought he held the patent to Caesar's salad. Next we asked them about
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the Inquisition. They thought it was the question and answer page in
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The National Enquirer. At this point, we wanted to get away from these
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kid asked for a closing statement. This is a direct quote.
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"We are glad we hit stardom and make lots of money. That got us out
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of poverty. Now if we can only get out puberty."
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Although we cannot explain why the Brats got so famous, we do feel
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it might have been because Joe has his picture on the Gerber baby food
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bottle.
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In closing we would like to stress the importance of defacing any
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and all New Kids' products and encourage the idolizing of any other
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group.
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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