236 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
236 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
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What is the difference between...
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.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
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You can tune a lawnmower.
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.. A clarinet and an onion?
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Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
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.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
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The grip.
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.. An accordion and a trampoline?
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You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
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trampoline.
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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
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Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
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A: A drummer.
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Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ?
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A: The knocking always speeds up.
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Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
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A: They never know when to come in.
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Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
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A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
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better.
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Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
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A: Their personality.
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Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
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A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
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A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.
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Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves
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around his ass.
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What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
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A violin burns faster.
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Why is a violist like a terrorist?
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They both f**k up bowings.
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What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
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Terrorists have sympathisers.
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What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
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A dressmaker tucks up frills.
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What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
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You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
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a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
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to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
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killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
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kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
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A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
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askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
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loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
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seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
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crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
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The composition of a string quartet:
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1 good violinist
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1 bad violinist
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1 really bad violinist who became a violist
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1 cellist who hates all violinists.
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GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS
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ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes
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AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
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BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the
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restroom.
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CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
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CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
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CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
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CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
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CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
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CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or
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CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
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CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the
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ensemble.
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DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
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EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
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ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
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GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
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HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
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INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three
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kinds:
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Major Interval: A long time
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Minor Interval: A few bars
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Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again
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INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
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Middle Ages
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ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the
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other half
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MINNESINGER: A boy soprano
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MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it
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again. Also known as faking
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NEUMS: Renaissance midgets
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NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets
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ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"
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PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education
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ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts
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TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge
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LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
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SANCTA: Clausula's husband
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LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale
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DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys
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LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows
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VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai
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CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister
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MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded
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ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one
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PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire
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DUCTIA: Vire's organum
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MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line
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BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short
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TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all
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TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early
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LONGA: The time between visits with Vire
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PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai
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CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is
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not used
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DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet
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RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet
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SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet
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ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town
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ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists,
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cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper
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HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum
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QUAVER: Beginning viol class
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RACKETT: Capped reeds class
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RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi
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SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church
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SUPERTONIC: Schweppes
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TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to
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soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
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TROPE: A malevolent Neum
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TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts
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STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ
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AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer
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METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
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ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer
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RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had
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ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras
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Collected from: Dr. John Robison, USF College of Music
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